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Idle Jokes

I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my laptop if I leave it idle for 10 minutes...

It's my screen savior...

Husband Wife idle chat...

Husband says to his wife.

Husband: If I died would you date another man?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him move in to our house?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed?

Wife: Of course I would.

Husband: ...

What do you call a neighbourhood full of idle novelists?

Writer's block.

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

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Idle Hands

If idle hands are the devil's playthings, he really likes to jerk me off.

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You've heard this before. A few guys are drinking at a bar.

They start talking about getting home and they are concerned their wives will be upset about how late they get home.

First guy says, "I do what I can. I put the car in neutral at the driveway and coast in. I tiptoe inside and sneak into bed. But she still knows."

Second guy said, "I ...

Anyone who says

Idle hands are the devil’s plaything has clearly never been around a toddler. Those hands don’t stop moving and they cause all hell to break loose

Have you heard of the new Jason Bourne movie about his retirement?

It's called Bourne Idle.

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A lady brought her car into my shop the other day

It had a rough idle. I adjusted and cleaned the carburetor. Called the lady to come pick it up, and when she got there she asked what was going on. I said "shit in the carb". She said "how often do I need to do that?"

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You're Fired

There is a young man standing on the factory floor, appearing idle.

The CEO of the organisation sees him. He storms up and says, "tell me, what do you earn in a year?"

The young man responds "$1,000"

The CEO reaches into his wallet and pulls out $1,000. He hands it to the you...

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

...

I wanted to move a statue of a god

But it remained idle.

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

If I pray in traffic...

am I an idle worshipper?

What's the talent show where the contestants do basically nothing?

"American Idle"

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

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A husband dies and goes into limbo for judgement

While there he sees an angel who is the gatekeeper for the gate to heaven. At the gate, the angel says "You have done enough good deeds in your life for me to grant passage into heaven." "But first, I want you to spell out a word for me, and if you get it correct, I can let you enter." The man says ...

New Lawyer

After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was being ushered in our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the p...

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The United Kingdom and their wide variety of fucks.

Two men are at the bar, making some idle conversation. One of the men is a linguist, and decides to tell his friend an interesting story.

"Hey, man! Did you know that, in the UK, each country has its own version of 'fuck?'"

His friend replies, "I haven't heard of that before, man. What...

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast...

....when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.


An station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the...

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A young woman is at a party where she meets an older gentleman.

The two get to talking and eventually the topic of age comes up. The older gentleman says, "Well, I'm 57, but don't tell me how old you are just yet! See, I have this special ability where I can tell when a woman was born by feeling her breasts." Amazed by the bold claim, the young woman dismisse...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

Kids

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you....

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[att. Aesop] The Miller and His Son

A MILLER and his son were driving their Ass to a neighboring fair to sell him.

They had not gone far when they met with a troop of women collected round a well, talking and laughing. "Look there," cried one of them, "did you ever see such fellows, to be trudging along the road on foot when...

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Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

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