UPJOKE

Dead People Jokes

Why can't dead people catch COVID-19?

because they're six feet under.

Found a shirt that says, “I see dead people”

But I can’t wear it because it only fits mediums

What's the difference between people on Reddit and dead people?

Dead people had lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Apparently not 17, cause my basement is still dark.

What do you call someone who tells jokes to dead people?

Stand-Up Comedium

Dead peoples favorite time of day...

Morning

Why do we call dead people 'late'?

Dude, they aren't coming.

Dead people reward

What do dead people get as a reward?

Atrophy

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

Did you hear about the child who could talk to dead people but no one would listen to him?

He was a small medium who was largely ignored.

Where do dead people buy their cigarettes?

At the coroner store.

Everytime I eat fast food I can talk to dead people...

Maybe I should quit ordering the medium fries.

I can talk to dead people. Literraly.

well, they can't really reply but ...

Why don’t psychics shake gifts from dead people?

They can only feel their presents

Doctor, you have to help me! I see dead people...

Doctor: For the last time, you work in a morgue!

What does Mario use to talk to dead people?

A Luigi Board

It was believed that Helen Keller could see dead people and read people’s minds.

She had the fourth sense

A recent study has found that 90% of dead people don't breathe.

The other 10% didn't respond to the survey.

My father made this joke and now that I’m older I appreciate it more:

Driving by cemeteries he’d ask “how many dead people do you think are in there?”

I’d guess: “maybe a hundred” or whatever

He’d say: “*All* of them”

My co-worker always tells me: "I see dead people"

And I always tell him: "Shut up, Steven, we're morticians."

What do Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Ate dead people.

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

An airplane crashes onto an old cemetery

The police reports over 3.500 dead people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked, "What's the most awkward thing you've said during an orgasm?"

I thought for a second and said, "Probably...You're better than my girlfriend."

"Wow," he laughed, "What did she say?"

I said, "Nothing, dead people don't talk."

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

Did you hear about Haley Joel Osment being cast in the Titanic remake?

The most iconic line will be Icy Dead People.

An Austrian archaeological team has recovered the bodies of several perfectly preserved neolithic hunters from within a mountain glacier. When asked for comment, American actor, Haley Joel Osment said:

Icy dead people.

There were two types of people in the Soviet Union

People who supported the Communist Party and dead people.

What did Hailey Joel Osmont say when climbing mt everest?

Icy dead people

I’m starting a cryogenics business. It’s called...

Icy Dead People.

I think my TV may be possessed. Today I saw the Three Stooges and Ronald Reagan on it.

Its channeling dead people.

I like how every stranger stays still when I take their picture

I guess dead people are useful for something.

Cemetery count

How many dead people are in a cemetery?

All of them

As a doctor I never make fun of unvaccinated kids.

I don’t like to joke about dead people.

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

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