How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

There are two kinds of lawyers in the afterlife...

Those who are in hell, and, those who are very, very good...

..At their job.

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?

If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.

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Afterlife

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’...

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

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Join Islam and you’ll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you’ll get Haiti.

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When my wife was close to death she assured me if there was an afterlife she would somehow let me know.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and she passed away. About a month had passed when I was awoken by a cold blast and the shadowy ghost of my wife appeared in front of me,

"It's all true, " she said to me, "heaven is here, my love, I'm here, my mum is here, my dad is here, and when you pass yo...

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

In the afterlife, what do people celebrate?

Their Urniversary.

So a priest walks up to an atheist and says afterlife.

The atheist stares and says I don't get it.

The priest says I know.

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Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews...

Two brothers die at the same time and go to the afterlife...

One brother was sent to hell and the other meets St Peter at the pearly gates.
He tells St Peter he was concerned about his brother and wanted to be sure he was OK.
St Peter grants him a vision.... through the vision he can see his brother and he is living IT UP! He has two girls (one on each ...

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

Wham!

Heard this one today. Two baseball players get to talking about the afterlife...

...and they decide that who ever dies first has to come back and tell the other one if there's baseball in heaven.

So one of them dies, and he holds up the bargain and comes back:

"I'm baaack to teelll the secret of the afterlife... I have good news and I have bad news....."

"Go...

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Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideo...

If ball is life, where is the afterlife?

Ballhalla

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Osama Bin Laden's afterlife...

After he was killed by Seal Team Six, Osama Bin Laden immediately found himself in a large room filled with fat middle aged men wearing strange costumes.

As he looked around he saw a gigantic sign that said "Welcome fellow Trekies."

Confused by his surroundings, Osama wanted to get out...

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A pants-shitting offer from the afterlife

Saint Peter was right outside heaven's gate, sitting on his little wooden desk. In front of him, there was a queue of freshly arrived souls waiting to be approved into heaven.

Saint Peter saw a man on the queue who was particularly upset; grunting and throwing fist on the air. When he got to ...

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How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

Three women at the Stairway to Heaven

Three women(brunette, redhead, blonde) all die, and find themselves at the foot of the Stairway to Heaven.

They are visited by an angel, who says, “For each step on the Stairway you take, you will hear a joke. If you do not laugh, you may continue; however, if you DO laugh, you must stop and...

There was a man who had worked all his life and saved all of his money...

He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money to the afterlife.

So he go...

What was the suicide bomber greeted by in the afterlife?

A group of 40 other suicide bombers.

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

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XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swift’s Spotify streaming record.

even in the afterlife, he’s still beating women.

I think I just found out what the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke ACTUALLY meant.

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”
“To get to the other side.”

Maybe the “other side” meant the afterlife, meaning that when the chicken was crossing the road, it probably got ran over by a car.

The joke was that you were supposed to take the punchline very literally at first, b...

Bill and Larry both loved baseball.

They loved it as kids, they loved it as adults, and they loved it in their old age. One day, Larry asked Bill, "Do you think they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bill said, "I imagine they do. But whichever one of us dies first, he should tell the other whether that's true."

"How are we goin...

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week

Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.

The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessin...

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3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

A Scotsman, a Frenchman and a Nigerian all die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter: you each get to ask me one demand and if I can't make your demand come true, I will send you back to earth for a second chance. If I do make your demand, you're headed to the afterlife...

Scotsman: I want you to give me all the scotch whiskey in the world right now...

St. P...

Once upon a time there were two youths in love

Once upon a time there were two youths in love. They met in grade school and instantly knew that they would be married and be with each other forever. Their families became close friends and as they grew older it became more and more obvious to everyone that they were destined to be together.
...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

Three men die and go to heaven...

God is waiting for them and asks them to answer a question, as that will decide what kind of car they get to drive.

God asks the men, How long were you married?

Man 1: 20 years
God: Amazing, and how many times did you cheat on your wife?
Man 1: Umm... 5 times...
God : Okay,...

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I've come back like we agreed

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

“Rita! Rita!...

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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.

A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"

The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirt...

A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ...

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A Chinese man dies and goes to hell

He arrives in time for Hell orientation. As he walks into the orientation room, he looks around and finds an empty seat and sits down. The orientation staff woman starts off the meeting with a roll-call:

"Do we have Mr. Johnson present?"

"Here," says a man.

"Mr. Smith?"
...

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7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

Albert Einstein's final words

Lying on his death bed at Princeton Hospital in New Jersey, Einstein starts to write letters to his family, friends and work colleagues.

The first letter writes: "To my children, know that I am ready to die. I have lived a good and meaningful life and I wish to fade into what comes next eleg...

A Zebra dies and goes to heaven.

He's greeted by Saint Pete at the Pearly Gates

"Hello Zebra, welcome to heaven!" Says Peter.

"Oh wow", exclaims the Zebra.

"Yes, it's quite magnificent" , replies Peter, "as is the custom here, if you had any unanswered questions about your life, now is the time to ask them."...

Two Star Wars super-fanboys who hated The Last Jedi die and are at the gates of heaven

St Peter is there and tells them that before entering the afterlife, they may ask God himself one single question that He will answer truthfully for them.

"All the secrets of the Universe, past present and future are all available to you. Ask, and He will answer."

They whisper with ea...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

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Three men are confronted by the grim reaper [NSFW]

The grim reaper says to the three men, "I will spare your lives if you can each collect 12 pieces of fruit for me." All three men go their separate ways, and a few minutes later guy 1 comes back with 12 oranges.


The grim reaper says "before I can spare your life, you must complete one fin...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

A man dies and goes to heaven...

Here's one I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been on here before. Works better if read aloud.

John finds himself in heaven after dying in a car accident. He sees nothing but a golden ladder ahead of him and a sign telling him to climb it. He begins to climb, up through a layer of clouds....

Man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening.

St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them.

Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife.

Next a room of Bu...

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

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Three men are captured by a cannibal tribe

They are taken before the tribe leader, who tells them that they are to perform a trial, and if they succeed, they will not be eaten. All three are sent into the jungle with two tribesmen to pick a food item, then return to camp.

The first one returns with an apple. He is told that if he ca...

A politician dies and goes to heaven...

He is greeted by St. Peter who tells him there is a new system in the afterlife. You can spend one day in heaven and one day in hell, and afterwords you can decide where you want to spend eternity.

The politician say, "ok, let's try this out."

So he spends the day in heaven, praying ...

TIL The chicken crossing the road jokes real meaning

To get to the other side was also a comment on the afterlife, as in the "other side" as in knowing he'd die crossing the road. I'm 37, heard this joke so many times, and not once put this together till now. /mind blown

3 friends die and go to heaven...

Three friends are on a road trip and crash a die. At the gates of St. Peter the first on is called up by St. Peter. St. Peter tell the first friend, John, "You cheated on your wife 12 times?" John admits this. "John is then handed keys to a Honda." John asks Peter what they keys are for and he repli...

Heaven and hell

A man dies and goes to see Saint Peter knocks on the pearly gates. Saint Peter greets the man and goes through his papers. “Huh, he says, that’s interesting. It turns out that you have had just as many virtues as vices in your life, so I guess I will leave it up to you, whether you want to go to hea...

So it's Sunday in Ireland...

The priest says that the day's theme for mass is the afterlife. Wanting to gauge the opinions of the congregation, he asks everyone who believes in ghosts to raise their hands. About half the congregation raises their hands.


Next, he asks those with their hands raised if they've ever spo...

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I treat my body like a temple.

I fill it with crap for the afterlife...

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3 guys wash up onto a beach...

Many days after their plane crashed into the ocean. They are almost immediately aggresively approached by the indigenous population and surrounded. The chief appears and tells them he will let them live if they can pass his test, but first each person must go into the jungle and find 10 pieces of ...

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3 Men's Afterlives

Three men get into a horrible car accident, and all three die together. As they are waiting in limbo, they start talking about the Afterlife. As it turns out, one man is Muslim, one man is Buddhist, the last is Christian.

The Muslim says, "I'm going to enjoy my 40 virgins until my wife shows ...

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Three guys are lost in a jungle

They run into a group of cannibals and out of fear, ask if there is anything they can do to avoid getting eaten. The leader of the cannibal group says, "Bring us back 10 pieces of a certain type of fruit. If you do, we will not only let you live, but tell you how to get out of the jungle and to safe...

This one is special to me. My grandfather was a jokester all his life. About a month after he died, I had a lucid dream where I was talking to him, and imagined him telling me one last joke:

Me: "Pop pop, what is the afterlife like?"

Him: "It's hot."

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A politican dies

But just as in life so in death, and the divine powers don't really know where to put the guy, is he a good guy or bad guy?
So St. Pete and Lucifer decide to show the deceased what they can offer him in the afterlife.

First it is downstairs, the gates of Hell open, and there's booze, naked...

A preacher and a NYC taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter takes the NY taxi driver first. Giving him a golden cloak, a mahogany staff, and lead him to the nicest part of Heaven. The preacher smirked to himself thinking he was in for an even better afterlife, for after all, the other guy was just a taxi driver. When Saint Peter handed him a silv...

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