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Afterlife Jokes

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:

\- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.

She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.

\- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.

\- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill ho...

The Afterlife

Our local cemetery reported problems with kids going into the cemetery at night to take flowers off graves so they can sell them on street corners the next morning. I have a hard time believing this, but I did see a kid selling flowers this morning with a sign that said "reincarnations, $10.00"

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Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews...

My dad died, and I wanted to talk to him in the afterlife.

So I went to a woman who could speak with the dead. I told her my situation, and described my dad. She went into a trance and, after a few moments, said "I'm communing with your father."

Then she smiled, so I punched her.

"What did you do that for?!" she demanded, shocked.

"It's...

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

What does a "muscle buff" do in the afterlife?

Deadlifts.

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?

It's called Pasta Way.

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Call from the Afterlife

Bill and Ted are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.

Ted dies. Bill doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Ted.

‘So there is an afterlife! W...

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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideo...

(OC) A Killer Dies, And Meets His Victim In The Afterlife...

The killer stares awkwardly at the victim, the victim stares back. Unsure what to do, the killer finally says, "Well... This feels pretty tense."

The victim replies, "Oh, we're past tense."

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Hitler, Stalin, and Napolean are complaining in the afterlife...

Hitler whines "if I had Russian oil, I would have flattened Moscow."

Stalin replies "if I had the German Lufftwaffe, I would have taken over all of Europe."

Then Napolean says "if I had Russian and German propaganda nobody would know I had lost."

Not a knee-slapper, but it's pro...

An Anti-Vaxer goes to the afterlife...

An Anti-Vaxer goes and arrives at the gates of heaven. Upon meeting God, she asks him a question.

"Do vaccines really work?"

God replied simply with, "Yes."

The Anti-Vaxer mumbled to herself, "The lies do spread that far..."

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the g...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

There are two kinds of lawyers in the afterlife...

Those who are in hell, and, those who are very, very good...

..At their job.

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In the afterlife, Dictators are lining up in heavens gate to be judged

St. Peter: Ok Stalin, you're next!

Stalin: It's ok Hitler, you can go first!

(After Hitler)

St. Peter: ok,next!

Stalin: Go ahead Saddam!

( after Saddam )

St. Peter: ok,next!

Stalin: Go ahead Marcos!

St. Peter: what's wrong with him?

Mar...

Two guys meet in the afterlife

Two guys meet in the afterlife, the first one asked the second.

- Hey buddy what did you die from?

- I was frozen to death and you?

- I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I got home early to catch them in the act but when I got there, she was alone, I looked all over the ...

People ask whether I’ll make cheese in my afterlife. I tell them,

“There’s no whey in hell.”

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Osama Bin Laden's afterlife...

After he was killed by Seal Team Six, Osama Bin Laden immediately found himself in a large room filled with fat middle aged men wearing strange costumes.

As he looked around he saw a gigantic sign that said "Welcome fellow Trekies."

Confused by his surroundings, Osama wanted to get out...

Is there an afterlife?

I sure as hell don't know.

People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,

I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.

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I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

So a priest walks up to an atheist and says afterlife.

The atheist stares and says I don't get it.

The priest says I know.

Two brothers die at the same time and go to the afterlife...

One brother was sent to hell and the other meets St Peter at the pearly gates.
He tells St Peter he was concerned about his brother and wanted to be sure he was OK.
St Peter grants him a vision.... through the vision he can see his brother and he is living IT UP! He has two girls (one on each ...

A young couple dies in a car wreck on the way to their wedding.

They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very lon...

3 men are in the afterlife…

And god says to them, “Ok the only rule is that you can’t step on a duck on your first day or you will be punished. If you go the whole day without stepping on a duck then you will be rewarded” The three men thinks it is a simple challenge, but as they enter the gates the ground was covered in ducks...

2 women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.

Emma turns to Jane and says "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"

Jane replies with "I burnt to death."

Emma, shocked, responds with "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"

Jane answers with "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"...

In the afterlife, what do people celebrate?

Their Urniversary.

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

A bunch of American veterans decided to become communist in the afterlife

Better dead then red

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A pants-shitting offer from the afterlife

Saint Peter was right outside heaven's gate, sitting on his little wooden desk. In front of him, there was a queue of freshly arrived souls waiting to be approved into heaven.

Saint Peter saw a man on the queue who was particularly upset; grunting and throwing fist on the air. When he got to ...

What was the suicide bomber greeted by in the afterlife?

A group of 40 other suicide bombers.

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When my wife was close to death she assured me if there was an afterlife she would somehow let me know.

Anyway, the inevitable happened and she passed away. About a month had passed when I was awoken by a cold blast and the shadowy ghost of my wife appeared in front of me,

"It's all true, " she said to me, "heaven is here, my love, I'm here, my mum is here, my dad is here, and when you pass yo...

Ancient Egyptians who worked to preserve the Pharaoh for the afterlife are known for having being very good businessmen. In fact, they even invented what we know today as the "return policy."

It was know back then as the "mummy back guarantee..."

My Dad told me this one so I apologize in advance

A doberman, a golden retriever and a cat enter the afterlife

God asks the golden retriever to tell him about himself, the dog says “I’ve been very loyal to my master,” God says,”That’s wonderful why don’t you take the seat on my right,”

God asks the Doberman to tell him about himself, ...

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Join Islam and you’ll get seventy virgins in the afterlife

Join Oxfam and you’ll get Haiti.

Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?

If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

If ball is life, where is the afterlife?

Ballhalla

A Scotsman, a Frenchman and a Nigerian all die and meet St Peter at the pearly gates...

St. Peter: you each get to ask me one demand and if I can't make your demand come true, I will send you back to earth for a second chance. If I do make your demand, you're headed to the afterlife...

Scotsman: I want you to give me all the scotch whiskey in the world right now...

St. P...

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

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A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

There has never been a ghost sighting in Finland

All the ghosts who died there went on to the afterlife due to them having no un-Finnish-ed business.

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

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7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

Man dies and goes to heaven, filled with rooms he hears a party behind each door is happening.

St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them.

Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife.

Next a room of Bu...

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A man dies and goes to heaven...

Here's one I heard a while ago, not sure if it's been on here before. Works better if read aloud.

John finds himself in heaven after dying in a car accident. He sees nothing but a golden ladder ahead of him and a sign telling him to climb it. He begins to climb, up through a layer of clouds....

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The fridge joke

The afterlife is too full. The guard at the gates is advised to not letting anyone in without a good story.

First guy arrives.

Guard: "I will only let you in If your story is good enough."

The guy says: "Alright then. After I got home from work early, I found my wife lying nake...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

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3 Souls We Walking Towards the gates of afterlife.. The soul in the middle asked to the soul on his left, "How Did You die?",

'I was painting the walls of the 14th floor of an apartment, i slipped and fell, but somehow while falling i got hold of the railings of the balcony 2 floors below. I was so relieved, as i was trying to pull myself up a mad guy from the floor above yelled at me and pushed down a wardrobe over me, so...

What's grey and comes in pints?

Elephants

(Credit: "Afterlife" by Ricky Gervais)

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3 tribesmen were about to get punished

3 tribesmen were about to get punished. The chief told them to bring 10 fruits from their crops.

The first one brought 10 apples. The chief then said that those 10 apples would be inserted in his asshole. If he manages to not show any reaction when all the apples get inserted, he gets to live...

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How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

Karens husband dies...

Karens husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts her husband.

Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Are you happy in afterlife?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Is it better than your life on earth?

...

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3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

Temel and Dursun love playing football

Temel and Dursun love playing football. One day when they were contemplating about the afterlife, Temel asks Dursun: “Do you think there is football in Heaven?” and Dursun answers “I don’t know but whoever goes there first, will let the other know OK?“. So they agree and a few years down the line Du...

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Two best friends make a deal.

The one of them who die first will visit the second one to tell him about the afterworld. And one day a few years later friend 1 died.

When friend 2 found out, he stayed up late every following night, remembering the promise. And finally on the midnight of the third night a weak voice is hear...

God Will Save Me

A heavy rain began to fall onto a small town. Townspeople were instructed to evacuate as it was believed the rain would not stop and floods were coming.

One man refused to leave. A van pulled up in front of the house and emergency personnel instructed the man to evacuate as the rain became he...

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Three men are confronted by the grim reaper [NSFW]

The grim reaper says to the three men, "I will spare your lives if you can each collect 12 pieces of fruit for me." All three men go their separate ways, and a few minutes later guy 1 comes back with 12 oranges.


The grim reaper says "before I can spare your life, you must complete one fin...

This Egyptian bird was giving me trouble...

...talking about life and death and the afterlife, threatening me and demanding sacrifices.

When I'd had enough I yelled: "Begone, Thoth!"

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

Ghosts.

I don't know when it comes to ghosts and the afterlife, I like to think I'm open minded, maybe there something in it, maybe there isn't.

Actually I recently attended a seance. The psychic who ran it told us she was delighted with the way her business was going. Absolutely booked up solid. ...

TIL The chicken crossing the road jokes real meaning

To get to the other side was also a comment on the afterlife, as in the "other side" as in knowing he'd die crossing the road. I'm 37, heard this joke so many times, and not once put this together till now. /mind blown

Three women at the Stairway to Heaven

Three women(brunette, redhead, blonde) all die, and find themselves at the foot of the Stairway to Heaven.

They are visited by an angel, who says, “For each step on the Stairway you take, you will hear a joke. If you do not laugh, you may continue; however, if you DO laugh, you must stop and...

A man is dying. He goes to his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

Terrified he won't have any money in the afterlife, he leaves each of them $10,000 in cash on the solemn promise they'll put the money in his coffin when he dies.

Afterward, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer wind up in the same limo together.

After an awkward silence, the priest sa...

A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.

A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"

The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirt...

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I treat my body like a temple.

I fill it with crap for the afterlife...

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

I was visiting a Buddhist temple last week

Just for a tour, when I got there, there was a temple and a small market outside.

The place was amazing, so I decided to go and have a look at the small market outside it. When I got there, I noticed a small piece of paper on the floor, and it had a barcode on it and it read "One free blessin...

The Ladder To Success

A man died and awoken in an empty plain. There was nothing but a ladder in front of him and nothing else in sight, so he started climbing. After a minute or so, he reaches a hatch, he opens it and there is lying a middle age woman. She said "Come lie with me or keep climbing to success". The man wit...

Three men die and go to heaven...

God is waiting for them and asks them to answer a question, as that will decide what kind of car they get to drive.

God asks the men, How long were you married?

Man 1: 20 years
God: Amazing, and how many times did you cheat on your wife?
Man 1: Umm... 5 times...
God : Okay,...

Bill and Larry both loved baseball.

They loved it as kids, they loved it as adults, and they loved it in their old age. One day, Larry asked Bill, "Do you think they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bill said, "I imagine they do. But whichever one of us dies first, he should tell the other whether that's true."

"How are we goin...

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Three tourists are caught by natives on an island.

The chief of the tribe tells the three to bring back three of the same fruit.

After foraging, two of the three return with apples and blueberries.

The chief then tells the two to fit the fruits up their bum hole or they would be killed.

The first with the apples tries his best,...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

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A man goes to hell

.. and is met by Lucifer at the Hell's Gates. Lucifer asks the man whether he wants to go to the Regular Hell or try the Student Hell. The man replies, "*Naah, I've had enough of that shit when I was a student, send me to the Regular Hell*". So he is sent to the Regular Hell. It looks okay and is mo...

This one is special to me. My grandfather was a jokester all his life. About a month after he died, I had a lucid dream where I was talking to him, and imagined him telling me one last joke:

Me: "Pop pop, what is the afterlife like?"

Him: "It's hot."

A man dies and goes to heaven

Because he always helped everyone St.Peter says he could have his afterlife wherever he wants.
First they go to the place where the people are who had been neither bad nor good. They watch movies and eat sweets.
After that they go to hell. Here the people are having a lot of fun. Famous musici...

A Native American dies

A young Native American awakens in a meadow filled with lush grass tons of animals an overall paradise. Not sure where he is he wanders for a while. Suddenly he is approached by a man. The boy asks the man where he is. The man replies, "Well you died and this is the afterlife i am your deity". The b...

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