Living Jokes - 74 Hilarious Living Jokes

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"If you could fuck anyone living or dead, what would you choose?"

"Anyone living, I suppose."

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China

He says he can't complain.

A policeman stops a car... Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

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Little Johnny is playing with his electric train set in the living room…

…and his mom is in the kitchen when she hears him say, “The train has arrived at the station. All you mother-fuckers getting off, get off and all you mother-fuckers getting on, get on.”

She immediately scolds him for the language and puts him in time-out for 30 minutes. He comes back afterwar...

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He mad...

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.

I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

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Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"...

I saw a homeless man living in a tire today, so I popped it

Now he lives in a flat

I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.

He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

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A TV crew went to interview the oldest man living in a small village

"Can you tell us what was the happiest moment you can remember?"

"That was when Mary Jones got lost on the hills over there. We organized a search party and when we found her we were so happy that we had a special celebration, everybody got drunk and all the men in the village fucked Mary Jon...

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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard.

His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison (strange ways) . The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be di...

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

There were 3 moles living in a hole...

One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so...

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Little Johnnie is in the living room playing with his train set…

when his mom overheard him in the kitchen yelling “alright you sonsabitches! Everyone headed westbound to Memphis, get your asses to platform number 9! And for all you motherfuckers going eastbound to Raleigh, head your big asses to platform number 10!”

Mom comes in fuming…

“JOHNNIE!! ...

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

I find it really hard to tell my friends what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

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What's the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?

They both get stoned after sex

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror

I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.
So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.
Pushed through the crowds shouting “let me through, let me through!”.
I finally managed to get to the front of the crow...

What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well the flag's a big plus.

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How do porn stars make a living?

Income.

One of my mates asked me, "If you could sleep with anyone living or anyone dead, who would it be?" ................

I said "Definitely somebody living"

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist so when they ask, "What do you do for a living?” I reply...

“Oh, you know…stuff!"

My date asked me why i was still living with my parents at 24 years of age?

I told her whose parents was i supposed to live with?

Oliver has been living the dream

Two old friends caught up for lunch. Jake and Oliver hadn't seen each other for over twenty years. "How have you been?" Oliver asked.
"I've been good" Jake said, ordering from the menu. "I'm married with two great kids. Work is a bit dull but it pays the bills. How about you, how have you been...

A young woman had a habit of doing naked gymnastics in the living room in the afternoon

One day she decided to try a a split, thereby creating a vacuum which sucked her firmly to the tile floor. In spite of all her attempts, she couldn't free herself and had to wait for her husband to come home.

When he got there, he pulled as hard as he could, too. But she remained completely s...

Living in China is pretty good!

I cant really complain.

I now sell dried fruit for a living

It’s my current job

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A man is sitting in his living room watching tv one night

when he hears a knock at the door. He answers and sees a snail on his front porch. The snail looks up at the man and says, “hey buddy, can I talk to you for a minute?”

The man snatches the snail up and flings him far out into the front yard. “Get the hell outta here!”

Three years later...

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

What do you do for a living?

During a blind date, the beautiful blonde girl asked the guy:
- “So what do you do for a living?”
He answered:
- “I hunt and kill aliens”
- “Wow! I thought aliens don’t exist!” She surprisingly responded
- He grinned and said “You are f—-ing welcome”

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

For 20 years my wife and I were living happy lives.

Then we met.

I should clean mirrors for a living.

It's a profession I see myself in.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago

Because he's still alive

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Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.

Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

We have a very nice Italian family living next door. The Razzis.

The only weird thing about them is the sheer amount of pictures of celebrities they have hanging on their wall.

All thanks to the Dad.

Papa Razzi.

So it's a sweet old couple happily living life.

One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-
old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

The husband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-o...

What do to call an army man living on a toilet

A loo tenant

For many years, Jack and Emily have been living together without being married.

One day, Emily says:

• Jack, this situation isn't working like this, let's get married already, she said.

Jack, quite calmly:

• Who would marry us at this age, Emily?

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An Arab guy living in the desert

Who is a specialist in hunting some rare type of birds for food, he usually catches a lot but since it was a rough season he would be blessed to even catch 1 bird, one day he got very lucky and caught 2,

As he was heading home, he encountered a stranger who was lost, the guy offered him to st...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

Did you hear about the baker living his best life?

He kneads to do more

The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

What do you call an American Italian living in Latvia?

Rigatoni

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

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On Christmas afternoon, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "W...

[OC] i just realized Dwayne Johnson was living above my appartment.

i was living under The Rock for a very long time.

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The cost of living has now become so expensive.....

....that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries.

I asked my friend in Greenland, what it's like living there.

He told me it's so great, he's on top of the World.

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.

The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.

Why is 10 always living in fear?

Because it is smack bang in the middle of 9/11

Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.

I drill wells for a living.

BORING

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A Jew living in Soviet Russia writes a letter to his relative in America.

*Roza, food is so expensive here, you won't believe it. A chicken costs 5 rubles. Can you imagine? 5 rubles for a chicken.*

The next day, he gets a visit from the KGB. The KGB officer tells him, "you must rewrite the letter. Tell them food is cheaper and of better quality than in America"
...

I love living near a university.

The women never get older.

A kid walks into the living room

And tells his dad, "Dad, I'm freezing!"

The dad says, not looking away from the TV, "Go stand in the corner."

The kid is surprised, what did he do wrong? "But why?"

The dad looks at his son and grins evilly. "The corner is 90 degrees!"

"DAD!"

What do you call someone that makes an honest living?

Broke.

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Two old men were talking at an assisted living facility

One man said "You know, I think my wife may be dead!"

The second man asked "Why would you think that?!"

"Well," said the first man "the sex is about the same but the laundry's piling up."

My wife always complains about how cold the living room is when watching TV.

I told her to sit in the corner as its always 90 degrees.

A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?''

He replies "He's a magician."

She asks "Is he good?"

He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago."

I used to make a living by circumcising elephants

The pays were lousy but the tips were huge!

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Tired of urban living

After years of the rat race, I found that I finally had enough saved to get away, as long as I did it thoughtfully. I wanted to be away from people, from cars, buildings, you name it. I didn't care if I didn't talk to anyone any more. With e-commerce so prevalent now, anything I needed could be deli...

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They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.

Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.

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