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After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

What does a necrophiliac get whenever he goes to a funeral?

Mourning wood.

At a funeral, a man asks the widow if he may say a word

The widow replies of course.

The man stands up and says "Plethora".

The widow responds "Thanks, that means a lot".

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

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What is appropriate to say at a funeral and during sex?

"sorry, were you close?"

Why shouldn't you invest in funeral homes?

It's a dying industry

An old woman is talking with a relative at her 4th husband's funeral

She says to the relative "he was a good man" the relative nodded she then said ya know I've been married for the 4th time and this is the last, the relative asked "what were your other husband's like" the woman said "my first husband was a banker, he was a hard working man". The relative asks "what ...

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Why did Shaq cry at Kobe’s funeral?

Because he finally saw Kobe pass.

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

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A plumber is working on draining a septic tank when he falls in the poop and is drowned when the pipe sucks him under. At his funeral, the minister stands up and says:

We are gathered here today to remember our friend, the plumber, >!who was killed in the line of doody.!<

A man goes to a funeral

A man goes to a funeral.
He asks the widow if he may say a word.
The widow nods and says "Of course, please do".
The man clears his throat and says "Bargain".
The widow sheds a tear, puts her hand on his shoulder and replies "Thanks. That means a great deal."

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Why was the corpse late for the funeral?

They had to rehearse on the way.

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

My mother broke down crying when I gave the eulogy at my sister's funeral

I didn't think my ventriloquism was *that* bad

A funeral home director was meeting with a grieving widow

The funeral director was showing the widow the final touches they had done to her husband's corpse before the funeral the next day.

As the director was showing her the way they had put the finishing touches on and dressed up the deceased, the widow burst into tears.

The director,...

Why did Draco Malfoy's funeral service take place outside?

Because he hated grief indoors.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”



The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

I got fired from my job at the funeral parlor.

My boss thought "smoking or non smoking?" was an inappropriate way to ask if they wanted cremation.

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An odd funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is...

Did you know that politicians pay almost nothing for their funerals?

It's an old morticians secret. You just give them an enema and put them in a shoe box.

Why do they play bagpipes at funerals?

Because no living person wants to hear them

What will they play at the queen’s funeral?

Royalty free music

A man is making funeral arrangements...

He goes to the funeral director and plans his father's funeral very promptly. He tells the funeral director to make this a fancy funeral and to get the best of the best.

The funeral director writes up a quote and gives it to the man. The man pays in cash right then right there.

The fun...

Why do funerals always happen before noon?

It's the perfect time in the mourning

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. (NSFW)

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her seco...

Bob, Fred and Joe are at the funeral of one of their friends and it gets them thinking about what they'd like people to say about the three of them at their funerals

Bob: When people are looking at me in my coffin at my funeral I want them to say, 'he was caring, he was kind, he was compassionate, he always had time for people, he made everyone feel welcome.'

Fred: When people are looking at me in my coffin at my funeral I want them to say, 'he was a devo...

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

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The funeral procession.

I used to go fishing with a feller. Wesley, his name was. Miserable bastard, but he loved to fish. He and I would go out all the time. But one day, we were river fishing... when we see a funeral procession going over a bridge and, out of the blue, Wesley stands up, takes off his hat, bows his head. ...

Why are there only two pallbearers at a politician's funeral?

There are only 2 handles on a trash can

Tom goes to a funeral

So one day, Tom, who is a villager, receives a letter from his good friend Harry who lives in the city. The letter says that Tom's father died while in the city and he should come for the funeral. Tom is heartbroken and shaken due to the news, but he has to go anyway.

He arrives at the funera...

Sad after the funeral of a friend, my wife and I ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up.

The feel-good session ended when I read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.”

Why don’t night owls ever cry at funerals?

They just aren’t mourning people

A woman marries a narcissist

There was a woman who married a man who never thought of anyone other than himself. His favorite thing to do was to complain about his wife to anyone who would hear. One day he went out with a mule and started complaining about his wife to the mule. The mule was so annoyed by his complaining that it...

How do you greet people at a funeral?

"Good mourning!"

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a few words?"

"No, go right ahead", the woman replies.

The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "being alive", and sits back down.

"Thanks", the woman says, "he would have liked that".

This just in (Royal funeral update)

The royal family are apparently deciding between a flat headstone or a Phillips headstone. Ok I'll show myself out.

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

'I'm sorry' and 'My bad' means the same thing.

Unless you're at a funeral.

Why should I attend my friend’s funeral?

They’re not going to attend mine.

What is even sadder than a funeral?

An eral. It is like a funeral but with no fun.

I'm going to an open casket funeral later, and I'm not sure if I'll enjoy it or not...

Remains to be seen.

Funeral is very expensive....

I still can’t afford to die.

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral,

a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

What did Kermit say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing!

*At my boss's funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

"Who's thinking outside the box now Karin?"

A man is at his wife’s funeral.

During the service, one woman politely asked if she could say some words about the man’s wife, and the man said “Sure, go ahead.”

As the woman came up to the microphone, she softly said the word “Plethora” and went back to sit down in her chair.

The man said “That was a beautiful set o...

Why isn't Sterling invited to funerals?

People are worried he may dive in the box

I missed my grandfather's funeral today because I slept in.

I'm not a mourning person.

Someone in the funeral asks for the Wi-Fi password

"You should respect the dead"

"All together and lower case?"

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He hesitantly approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She sa...

Did Schrodinger have an open-casket funeral?

You know, just to be sure?

\[Credit to my brother\]

Roger was a simple man but everyone in town knew him.

For many decades he worked alone at his picture framing store, Abbott's Framing, which was on Main St. and he would often sit outside on a chair, chatting with many of the locals. One day old Roger passed away and they held his funeral under a big oak tree with a large framed picture of him sporting...

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

A new widow is talking to the funeral director

She says, "Lying over there is my John, God rest his soul. And he's laid out in his favorite brown suit. I kept my promise to send him here with that suit, but he looks awful in brown."

"Here's $200. I want you to get him a blue suit for the viewing and funeral."

The undertaker says he...

Did you hear about the funeral that took place before lunch?

Some would say it was in the mourning.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

There's one less drunk person at the funeral.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

What did the English priest say when he had a funeral for an Italian cook?

He pasta way.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

I hate how funerals are at 9.00am.

I'm not really a mourning person.

I saw a funeral parlour closing it’s doors forever today…

I guess it’s a dying business

Did you hear about who went to DMX’s funeral?

There was Brenda, LaTisha (uh), Linda, Felicia (okay)
Dawn, LeShaun, Ines, and Alicia (ooh)
Theresa, Monica, Sharron, Nicki (uh-huh)
Lisa, Veronica, Karen, Vicky (damn)
Cookie, well I met her in a ice cream parlor (aight?)
Tonya, Dianne, Lori and Carla (okay)
Marina (uh) Selena (uh...

Dark humor!

My older relatives at wedding always used to say "you'll be next!" Although they stopped after I started saying to them at funerals.

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

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A passenger in a cab leaned over and tapped the driver’s shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed in panic, swerved, lost control of the car and drove over the pavement stopping inches short of driving through a restaurant.



There was stunned silence in the car for a few seconds and then the driver said, “I am sorry. You really scared the daylights out of me.”...

The Superbowl ticket

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes his seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field!


About halfway through the first quarter Bob...

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At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON”

The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”

A father passes away and his son is arranging the funeral.

He talks to the mortician about his father’s remains.

The son says, “I know we don’t have much money, but I want the best for my father. Please do what you can.”

A week after the funeral, the mortician presents the son with a bill for fifty dollars. Thinking it to be very reasonable, t...

My funeral is going to be a casual Satanic one...

A loose affair (Lucifer) if you will.

So I saw a funeral service driving behind an old couple the other day

Talk about same day delivery

A man cheats on his wife

A man cheats on his wife named Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

What did the necromancer say at the funeral

Hi there
I'm Bob the necromancer and today I am going to be doing a unboxing video

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A man’s dog dies

A man’s dog dies, he had been his only companion for years.

So he goes to the nearest Catholic Church and asks for a funeral mass.

The priest said my son I can’t give a mass for a dog. The pope would excommunicate me!

The man replies he’s been my companion for 18 years. I saw th...

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

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Joke from old Czechoslovakia, translated for you

I was a CEO of big company. I was driving corporate Tatra 613. Every morning, coffee was brewed by sexy secretary assistant. One day, they asked me to contribute 5000 crowns for the funeral of the member of Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5000 crowns I will burry the while ...

I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.

It's hard to come up with an original erection joke. The competition is stiff.

Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

I chose a glass coffin for my father's funeral, but I'm not sure the family will appreciate it.

Remains to be seen.

An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

The Clintons at President Reagan’s funeral

I don’t know if any of you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you might’ve noticed Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

Reagan, who never missed the opportunity for a good one-liner, raised his head out of the casket and said “I see the Clintons are finally slee...

Do you know why you should be wearing white on a funeral?

\#ffffff

I was recently asked to say a few words at a friend’s funeral.

I stood up at the podium, looked at my friend’s family and friends, and said “2,000 pounds.”

I then made my way back to my seat.

My friends’ wife stood up and said, with tears in her eyes, “Thank you, that means a ton.”

I'm getting tired of these targeted ads. I just saw one for funeral services ffs!

That's the last thing I need!

My 5th grade class took a field trip to a funeral home - the director told us this joke

Why do you always have an extra chair at a funeral?

For rigor mortis to set in.

Seriously....the funeral director told this joke to a bunch of 11 year olds.

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.

Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough payment for the dog's funeral?" The preacher relied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog wa...

[Funeral at church] Me: What’s the wifi password? Priest: Please behave yourself

Me: All lower cases??

Schwartz dies and they bring his body to the funeral home...

The mortician undresses the body, only to discover Schwartz had the biggest pecker he’d ever seen in his life. He can’t wait to tell his wife- but would she ever believe him? In a flash he cuts it off and places it in a gallon size jar with some embalming fluid.
He gets home, calls for his wife ...

A joke my dad told me today

Two old fishermen are fishing under a bridge. A funeral procession passes over the bridge. One of the old fishermen stands up, takes his hat off and bows his head.

The second old fisherman says “Wow, that was really respectful of you to do.”

The first old fisherman says “Thanks, it’s t...

I was asked to deliver a eulogy at a funeral that is scheduled for 5:00am.

I had to decline. I'm not much of a mourning person.

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

Go to other people's funerals

Otherwise they won't go to yours.

An elderly couple are making their funeral arrangements.

They get to choose what is engraved on each other's headstones.
Husband says, "Here lies Karen. Quiet at last"
Wife says, "Here lies Kevin, stiff at last"

Why do men wear black to weddings as well as to funerals?

Because they loose a friend on both occasions.

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. [Long]

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. The priest says, "I have something I need to confess. Before he died, your husband gave me an envelope with $250,000 in it and requested I place it in the casket with him. I know he was rich and loved his money, so I swore t...

Ted had been on his phone constantly at every funeral he had been to.

It was quite disrespectful of him. So at this most recent one, I told him: “I think you’re addicted.”

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My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral

My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”

I had the Funeral March set as the ringtone for when my mother-in-law rang my phone.

It worked seamlessly until she rang me by mistake when she was in our house.

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

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Knock Knock

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Grandad

shit stop the funeral he's alive!

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

How did they fund four weddings and a funeral?

A Huge Grant

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Priest and his Donkey

A young priest wanted to raise money for his church, and seeing that there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However , at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the priest ended up buying a donkey.

The priest fig...

Why did the funeral director fail his driving test?

He kept on undertaking!

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

Starbucks has starting to offer free drinks during funerals

They acknowledged the need for mourning coffees

Told my Grandpa’s favorite joke at his funeral and it helped cheer some sad eyes..... What happened when the parsley workers went on strike?

Their wages were garnished.

A woman is sitting at her husbands funeral listening to the eulogies

She turned to the man next to her and asked if he would say a few words.

“Certainly”, he says and walks up to the mic

“A few words” the man says before sitting back down

“That’s exactly what I needed to hear” says the woman.

A man sitting behind her leans forward and ask...

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A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

Going to a baseball game is like going to a funeral

Sure you came to show your support but halfway through you’re hoping they bury this thing soon so you can get out of there.

I was at my father in laws funeral...

when my mother in law walked by.

"I just want to tell you about a place where people park their cars" I said.

"Thank you" She said. "That really means a lot"

A man and a Dog, and the extremely unusual funeral...

A man and his wife are walking down the town main street. They are arguing, as they always do, about the efficiency of wearing masks during the pandemic.

However, they have to stop because of a funeral procession that is actively going on. The procession was extremely unusual... Everyone is w...

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If you don't come to my funeral, I'm not going to yours. Simple as that.

tit for tat.

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