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Widow at the funeral

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper...

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

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What is something you can say at both a funeral and during sex?

I’m sorry, were you close?

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

I'm opening a funeral parlor for people of no specific faith

I'm calling it "Die Agnostic Services."

What's one thing you shouldn't say at your boss's funeral?

Who's thinking outside the box now, Kyle?

A young widow goes to the funeral parlour to plan her husband's funeral

She met with the mortician who asked her how she wants the body dressed.

"He always looked so good in blue. I want him to be buried in a blue suit."

This posed a problem as he had been delivered to the funeral parlour in the black suit he was wearing when he died. However, the wife was...

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Why did Bilbo have a boner at his own funeral?

Because old Hobbits die hard.

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After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to relieve myself.

So I walked up to the coffin and screamed, "Why were you such a bitch!?"

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What is the sentence you can say after funeral and after sex?

She didn't suffer for too long,

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him
in the black suit that he's wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and
gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes ...

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An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."



The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."



Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a ...

What's the worst thing to do after a funeral?

Wake up.

At my funeral I want to invite everyone I ever did a group project with in school.

This way, if they lower my casket or fail to show up, they can let me down one last time.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. 

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The p...

At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

at a funeral

The scene is a funeral wake. Several people have given moving tributes to the deceased, and now the grieving widow asks if anybody else would like to add anything. A man stands up.

‘May I say a word?’ he asks.

‘Of course,’ says the widow.

‘Plethora,’ says the man.

‘Thank ...

"The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director.

"And that includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

A priest is offering his condolences to a recently widowed man at his wife's funeral...

Priest :"I'm very sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do for you?"

Widower: "Can you give me the WiFi password for this place?"

Priest: "You realise we're about to bury your wife?"

Widower: "is that all lower case?"

What will be heard the most at Jerry Spinger’s funeral?

“Bury! Bury! Bury!”

A woman is sitting by her late husbands grave after the funeral

A man walks up and asks the woman “may I say a word” the woman looks at with with tears in her eyes and says “you may” the man looks down at the grave and says “abundant” the woman smiles at him and says “thanks, that means a lot”

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

what's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

There's one less drunk at the funeral.

( I love my Irish friends, don't kill me)

What is the Funeral Director's favourite drink?

He can't start his day without his *Mourning Coffee*.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral?

Nothing.

If you don't come to my funeral...

...I ain't coming to yours.

I went to a funeral featuring a comedian

Everyone was hysterical

What do you give at an egg collector's funeral?

An oology

Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”

Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.”

Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.”
...

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walk...

The Funeral

All the guests are gathered at old Tom’s funeral. The eulogy has been read, and the officiant asks if any of the guests would like to say anything.

After what seemed to be an eternity of silence, a lone hand raises at the back of the chapel. It’s Tom’s best buddy, Bill. The officiant signals...

Why didn't the widow attend the 9am funeral?

She wasn't a mourning person

It's so frustrating that Costco has the best prices on funeral plans.

The service is great and all, but I don't need 3 caskets!

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Funeral director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage."

Mechanic says, "I'm sorry sir I don't think I can help, It's because of all the dead weight in the back."

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Things you can say both during sex and a funeral

This would be much better if u were alive

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

An elderly couple is leaving a funeral…

The funeral director stops them on the way out and says, “How old are you?”
The man replies that they’re 97 and 95.
The funeral Director says, “Hardly worth going home is it?”

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Two lovers of a recently deceased woman, both named Jack, attended her funeral.

They did not know about each other, nor the woman’s apparent penchant for lovers named Jack. They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. Upon meeting and talking, at the reception, they realized they had both been played. Both...

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am...

I'm not really a mourning person.

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I once travelled the Trans-Sahara Highway in an old funeral coach with all of the badges removed.

I suppose you could say I've been through the desert in a hearse with no name.

This just in (Royal funeral update)

The royal family are apparently deciding between a flat headstone or a Phillips headstone. Ok I'll show myself out.

I went to the guy who wrote the hokey pokeys funeral the other day. It became even more sad when they couldn’t get him in his casket.

They put his left foot in…

I’m a funeral home director

People are always dying to get my attention

I work at a funeral home and just got my drinking buddies a job helping to clean the place up…

…Now I can crack open a cold one with the boys everyday

Did Schrodinger have an open-casket funeral?

You know, just to be sure?

\[Credit to my brother\]

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My wife is yelling at me for having a boner at her mothers funeral

My response, “I can’t help it, it’s mourning wood”

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

The mortician agrees and thanks...

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

What did the mushroom’s wife say at his funeral?

What a shame, he was a fungi.

What is even sadder than a funeral?

An eral. It is like a funeral but with no fun.

A man dies in the widow orders a wreath for the funeral

She opts for simple "Rest in Peace" writing on the ribbon but then after a while she starts thinking that it's too short. So she calls the wreath maker and orders "Please add "I'll see you in Heaven" if there is space left." Happy with herself she hangs up. Then at the funeral she sees the wreath wi...

How did the funeral home make so much money?

They had the market coronered

Black suit, blue suit

A man dies and when he is taken to the funeral home, his widow is told they have a number of nice black suits to dress him in.

The widow tells the director that he always looked good in blue. Would it be possible to dress him in a blue suit?

The director says yes, but it will add to th...

My friend told me to sing at his funeral.

He wants people to know there's something worse then death.

Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough

She keeps asking what I’m doing

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

Gertrude was a very devout woman who had 17 children

One day her husband passed away and Gertrude remarried the next month and had 19 children with her second husband.

After several years her second husband died and she passed away herself some months afterwards.

During the funeral the priest finished the service with the words “they are...

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[Serious] I need help finding a joke for my mother's funeral

It was one of her favorite jokes but I can't remember the build up. It was something like....someone asked the virgin mary if she was proud of Jesus and since she was a Jewish mom she answered "you know, I really vanted he should be a doctor"

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The funeral procession.

I used to go fishing with a feller. Wesley, his name was. Miserable bastard, but he loved to fish. He and I would go out all the time. But one day, we were river fishing... when we see a funeral procession going over a bridge and, out of the blue, Wesley stands up, takes off his hat, bows his head. ...

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Why did Shaq cry at Kobe’s funeral?

Because he finally saw Kobe pass.

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A woman sees a funeral procession

The hearse is driving slowly, followed by a dog, and then behind the dog is a woman dressed in black, and then line of several dozen women.

The woman watches silently as the procession goes on and on. Finally she asks the last woman in line, "Who is it that passed?"

"Well," the woman ...

Funeral home mishap

A grieving family arrives at the funeral home just ahead of the wake for their dear departed husband/father. They are taken in the back to see body before the event, and are disappointed to see that he is not in his favorite blue pinstripe suit, but in a tan suit. Then, they are horrified to notice...

A woman was smiling during her husband's funeral.

Her best friend said to her " It's good that you're remembering your happy moments together during fairewell ''. The wife said '' No, it's just this is the only time in my life I'm sure where he's going ''.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

My grandafather's funeral is today.

I hope everyone likes my yuleogy.

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An odd funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is...

Funeral

Emily died last week after she fell in the lake.

It's a shame she never learned how to swim.

We brought a life preserver to her funeral.

It's what she would have wanted.

The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.

There was no coffin at the funeral

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.

A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."

When asked why the...

what can you say at a funeral and a harrasment hearing?

"we are here today because this person touched us in some way"

Tom goes to a funeral

So one day, Tom, who is a villager, receives a letter from his good friend Harry who lives in the city. The letter says that Tom's father died while in the city and he should come for the funeral. Tom is heartbroken and shaken due to the news, but he has to go anyway.

He arrives at the funera...

I just got back from my mates funeral

He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball

It was a lovely service

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A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam

He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.

At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.

The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.

Finally, the rabbi ge...

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Why was there only 2 pallbearers at XXXTENTACION’s funeral?

There’s only 2 handles on a trash can

"Hey Yoda, Why did 5 go to 6's funeral?"

"Because 6, 7 8."

A man is making funeral arrangements...

He goes to the funeral director and plans his father's funeral very promptly. He tells the funeral director to make this a fancy funeral and to get the best of the best.

The funeral director writes up a quote and gives it to the man. The man pays in cash right then right there.

The fun...

Funerals are like family reunions

minus one

The Mafia Don's Funeral

The Mafia don of a city dies. His family hold a public funeral allowing friends family and enemies to come and pay their respects.

They take it in turns to come up take a handful of earth to scatter and say a few words. The chief of police takes a handful, scatters it then turns away crying.<...

Funeral is very expensive....

I still can’t afford to die.

Did you hear about the funeral for the mashed up chickpea?

It was a posthumous celebration

Why should I attend my friend’s funeral?

They’re not going to attend mine.

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Why was the corpse late for the funeral?

They had to rehearse on the way.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children...

The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.

The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.

That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the fun...

Why don’t British people cry at funerals?

They are used to Casual Teas

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