A man is at his wife’s funeral

and a woman asks him if she can say a word.

He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’.

The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.

What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?

There‘s one less drunk.

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."



The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."



Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a ...

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, c...

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.


He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"


But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.


When s...

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What do you say after sex at a funeral?

Good mourning!

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

My friend wants me to sing at his funeral.

He wants people to know there are worse things than death.

The inventor of the throat lozenge has died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral...

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Paying Respects

Two construction workers, Bill and Andy, were doing some maintenance on the side of the road when a funeral procession approached. Bill ceased working, laid down his shovel, removed his hardhat and looked on solemnly as the hearse passed by. Andy took notice and said "That's real kind of you Bill,...

A casket fell out of a Funeral Car and rolled down a hill and into a Chemist

The man inside gets out and says ''Have you got anything to stop my Coffin''

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What would be the best Thanos quote to say during a funeral and sex?

I'm sorry, little one

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s Funeral?

Nothing.

I got in trouble for sniffing my grandma's panties.

I still can't believe they kicked me out of the funeral too.

A Man's wife dies and at the funeral...

He is standing beside the coffin giving a speach about how much he loved her, thinking about all the good times they had together. When he was done he started to walk off, only to notice that he was pitching a tent big enough to house. His family is shocked and they all gasp, to which he replies
...

An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.

“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord f...

The best name for a bar

My In laws funeral

If my grandmother found out how much money i spent on her funeral...

...she'd be spinning in her ditch.

A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.

The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or rel...

A doctor, an accountant and an attorney all go to a funeral

At the funeral they see people putting money in the casket. So when the doctor steps up, he pulls out $100 and puts it in. Then the accountant steps up, and he puts in $100 as well. The lawyer steps up, pockets the $200 the two men previously deposited, and writes the dead man a check for $300.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices that there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

What’s it called when someone gets an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearingthem or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...



A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal"

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I tend to get boners at funerals.

Guess you could call it “mourning wood”.

What did the Chinese guy's family say after he didn't cry at his own fathers funeral?

Unbereavable...

Arranging a funeral for my boss is turning out to be more difficult than I thought.

He keeps asking what we are doing.

I told my family that there should be plenty of bongs and blunts at my funeral.

It’ll be a true wake and bake.

What do you get when you combine a wedding and a funeral?

Two funerals

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There was once a woman who held a funeral for her boob after a mastectomy

The tombstone said "Breast In Peace"

Got kicked out of a funeral today

My mourning wood was showing

A man's father died but couldn't make to his father's funeral...

But the man wanted to give his father the best funeral possible.

After the funeral he gets the bill about a month later totalling $16,000. He pays the bills immediately and goes on his way.

Untill about a month later he gets another bill for $85. He just shrugs it off and pays it thi...

There was a car accident involving a funeral procession, yesterday. One person dead.

Luckily it was a fender-bender and no one was hurt.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing

...except at a funeral

Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?

He isn’t a mourning person

A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

Why was everyone sad at the atheist’s funeral?

He was all dressed up with nowhere to go!

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Parking officers funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the parking officers funeral, A voice from inside screams " I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters

"Too fucking late pal, already done the paperwork."

Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.

The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”

the...

This funeral I went to today was so boring

One person was sleeping literally the entire time

I once told a joke at a funeral

No one laughed but one guy was dead

Did you hear kim jung-un doesnt cry at any funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable

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Things you can say both during sex and a funeral

This would be much better if u were alive

Hey! Vsauce, Michael here.. What is.... a joke?

There are dozens of people reading this joke at any one time. And some will upvote, most will downvote, and some will comment about, well, anything.... and everything. But why are they here?

You see, most people on r/Jokes have never actually laughed at a joke on this sub. They expect someon...

I'm just back from my friend's funeral. He died after a tennis ball hit his head...

It was a beautiful service, to be fair...

I have to get up early tomorrow for a funeral.

I'm not really a mourning person.

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

What is the difference between a Russian funeral and a Russian wedding?

At the start of a funeral there's already one person who has drunk themselves to death.

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?"
She says: "Please do."
The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."
The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."





Edit: thank you for the WONDERFUL cascade of follow on jokes below. Hilarious


Edit 2: First Gold. Cheers mate🥂

Joe killed a man, and then went to the man’s funeral as a VIP.

The investigation later found it was suicide.

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The Funeral Procession

A man leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second horse was a solitary man walk...

An electrical engineer is at his grandpa's funeral

His parents never told him how his grandpa had passed, so he walks around the funeral party asking for clues.
"He was at the gym" said one friend, but grandpa had a strong body and heart thought the grandson.
"It was in the bathroom," said a cousin quietly, but he would say no more.
"It was...

I was at the funeral of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.

Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."

Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."

Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"

A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.

"Because the market is dead, son"

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife

She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.

One day while in the field, Frank's wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.
Suddenly, Frank's old donkey kick...

There's a funeral...

The minister gives the eulogy. When he finishes, he says, "The widow has asked if anyone would like to share a word."

A man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The widow replies, "Thank you! That means a lot."

My wife doesnt like me greeting people at a funeral

Good mourning.

What song was performed at Geralt Of Rivia's funeral?

Ding Dong The Witcher's Dead

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral

I'm a choir starter

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Why was there only 2 pallbearers at XXXTENTACION’s funeral?

There’s only 2 handles on a trash can

Johnny died. The same day Jimmy died. Johnny’s wife brought his suit to the funeral home. Jimmy’s wife brought his motorcycle jacket to the funeral home. The funeral director was getting ready to roll Johnny out to the viewing when his wife realized that Johnny was not wearing his suit, But instead…

... was wearing a motorcycle jacket. The funeral director apologized and said he take care of it.

The funeral director rolled Johnny back to the back room and within two minutes brought him back dressed in a suit.

His wife was amazed. “How did you change the suit so quickly?” She asked...

Two lions spoke at a funeral...

First lion sighed and said: "I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."

Second lion nodded and bowed his head: "Yes, may they rest in peace. Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!"

The heart shaped wreath at the funeral of a a cardiologist

makes one wonder for the funeral of a gynaecologist.

A smartphone user is browsing Reddit at a funeral. He asks the priest sitting next to him, "do you have the wifi password"? Looking at him in disgust the priest exclaims, "Respect the dead"!

The smartphone user replies, "all lowercase"?

What is more disappointing than a funeral?

Maroon 5 dancing on the money they made through Stephen Hillenburg's death.

Where cant someone tell a joke ?

Funerals and weddings

Funerals because laughing at dead people is wrong.

Weddings because losing a friend is a tradegy.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

A Necrophile attended the 9am funeral of his beloved wife.

Talk about morning wood.

You know what they say about going to a funeral

If you’re dyslexic it’s real fun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an old man's funeral ,his grandson walked up to say his word.

"He was a great man" ,

"he was a great electrician ass well " he said,

I still remember his last words as he was replacing a light bulb,

he said to me "Stop shaking the ladder u dump fuck".

I was at a funeral and someone came up to me asking for permission to say a word at the front.

I said of course and he stood to say one word, ‘*plethora*’. I said "*Thank you, it means a lot*"

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

A trucker died in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at the funeral.

“He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash.”

I had my limbo rope stolen while at a funeral

It’s amazing how low some people will go.

I was the most poorly dressed pallbearer at my father's funeral

I really let my dad down

I made funeral arrangements for my friend who was a barista.

First stop is the creamertorium.

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

What does a Irishman say when he arrives at a funeral?

Top of the mourning to ya

A little Tap on the Driver's Shoulder By the Passenger.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’...

New announcement about Stan Lee's funeral

It will feature a cameo appearance by Stan Lee.

I want bagpipes at my funeral.

So I don’t have to listen to them.

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