Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”

Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.”

Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.”
...

What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!”

To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

A man goes to a funeral and walks up to the widow

Man: "May I say a word?"

Widow: "Of course"

Man: "Plethora"

Widow: "Thanks, that means a lot"

A man sat down next to a grieving widow at her husband's funeral.

He says to the widow, "Is it alright if I say a word?"

When the widow agreed, the man stood up and cleared his throat loudly.

"Plethora", the man said. He promptly sat back down.

The grieving widow told him, "Thank you, that means a lot."

I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am

I'm not really a mourning person.

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

"How old was your husband?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."

"So you're ninety-six," the undertaker said.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

What's the difference between and Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?

One less drunk...

Missed talking to my friends and family at my funeral

But you could say I was there in spirit

Why don't funeral homes hold surprise competitions?

They're always a dead giveaway.

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I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

I have the hardest time making it to funerals...

I've just never been a mourning person.

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What is read at a female dog’s funeral?

An obitchuary.

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Why was the porn star’s funeral so disappointing?

Nobody came

Funeral

While the rest of the world's leaders were notable for their absence it was nice to see that Robert Mugabe's funeral was attended by Justin Trudeau.

I think.

My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral.

Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral

A man leans into her and asks, "So you mind if I say a word?"
She replies, "No, go right ahead."
The man stands up, clears his throat and says, "Plethora" and sits back down.
"Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot."

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

I got up from my desk at work and said “I’m sorry, I have a funeral to attend”

My boss said, “I’m so sorry for your loss! Why are you still here?”

I said, “cause it’s not mine”

Did you know kim jung-un doesnt cry at funerals?

Hes un-bereaveable...

“You’re a funeral director? That must be quite the undertaking.”

Yes I make a killing!

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Today I overheard a group of funeral directors bragging about their cars.

Mostly they were arguing about who has the most hearse power.

I attended the funeral today of the man I hit with my car...

I can’t believe I said “I’ll miss him” to his survivors.

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral...

Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

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A husband of 50 years dies leaving his widow to prepare for his funeral. [NSFW]

The mortuary attendant calls the widow aside to consult her with an embarrassing problem. He hesitatingly explained that her husband died with an erection and the coffin would not shut. Without pause she told the attendant to cut off the member and stuff it up his anus.

Later during the wake,...

A Man's wife dies and at the funeral...

He is standing beside the coffin giving a speach about how much he loved her, thinking about all the good times they had together. When he was done he started to walk off, only to notice that he was pitching a tent big enough to house. His family is shocked and they all gasp, to which he replies
...

Would you go to someone’s funeral if they didn’t come to yours?

Well, would you?

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral.

A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, c...

A man is at the funeral of an old friend.

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."



The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."



Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a ...

A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral.

She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.


He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"


But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.


When s...

I was talking to a hot girl at my friends funeral

I got mourning wood

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A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...

The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???

The man quietly answers...

My wife is ...

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind
the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking
a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curio...

My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.

Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral?

In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.

I knew a successful businessman who decided to shut down everything and run a funeral parlor.

It was quite the undertaking.

My friend wants me to sing at his funeral.

He wants people to know there are worse things than death.

A widow is attending her husbands funeral.

The dead mans best friend leans over to the widow and asks.

“Can I say a word”

“I would greatly appreciate that“

“Plethora”

“Thank you, that means a lot”

Albert's wife, Ruth died. The day of her funeral, he showed up with a hot 21yo blonde.

Albert was ruthless

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What's something you can say during sex or at a funeral?

I'm sorry. Were you close?

Why did the nercophiliac-narcoleptic funeral director get fired?

Because he fell asleep in the job.

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What can you say both during sex and a funeral?

Hey, mom why is grandpa asleep?

What is a funeral director’s favorite game?

Formaldehyde and go seek

A man was planning a funeral for his deceased father.

“I want only the best for him.” He told the mortician
A month after the funeral, the man got a bill for $70. He paid it. The next month he got another bill for $70. He paid it. The is kept going on until the 5th month. He called the mortician and asked about the bill.
The mortician said, “Wel...

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

I told my family that there should be plenty of bongs and blunts at my funeral.

It’ll be a true wake and bake.

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

A casket fell out of a Funeral Car and rolled down a hill and into a Chemist

The man inside gets out and says ''Have you got anything to stop my Coffin''

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

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A Japanese teenager is mourning the death of his friends at a funeral

His grandpa, who was there with him, says “It’s been years since then.. mind if I say something?” The japanese guy says “Sure,”. The grandpa says “Za Warudo”.

“Thanks. That means the world to me”

Boy Joe's grandma's funeral sure was hard she looked so graceful and peaceful in that casket

It was all I could do to hide my mourning wood.

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What would be the best Thanos quote to say during a funeral and sex?

I'm sorry, little one

What do you wear to a Mexican funeral?

A somberero

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s Funeral?

Nothing.

A doctor, an accountant and an attorney all go to a funeral

At the funeral they see people putting money in the casket. So when the doctor steps up, he pulls out $100 and puts it in. Then the accountant steps up, and he puts in $100 as well. The lawyer steps up, pockets the $200 the two men previously deposited, and writes the dead man a check for $300.

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

Two Irishmen leave a funeral

One says to the other, "It was a beautiful ceremony." "Twas", says the other. First says, "When I pass, would you pour a bottle of good Irish whiskey over my grave?" "Of course", says the second, "but would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?"

If my grandmother found out how much money i spent on her funeral...

...she'd be spinning in her ditch.

"I went to my mother-in-law's funeral today."

"I bet you were glad when it was over."

"Yes," I replied. "But not so much the funeral."

An old woman passed away. Her 25 children attended the funeral.

The priest spoke of her extraordinary life.

“She married John and they had had 13 children before he passed. Then she remarried. She and her beloved Richard had 7 children. But he sadly died as well. But she married again and had 5 children with Michael. Now she is at rest. Thank you, Lord f...

What do you get when you combine a wedding and a funeral?

Two funerals

What did the Chinese guy's family say after he didn't cry at his own fathers funeral?

Unbereavable...

Why was everyone sad at the atheist’s funeral?

He was all dressed up with nowhere to go!

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There was once a woman who held a funeral for her boob after a mastectomy

The tombstone said "Breast In Peace"

The guy who created cough drops died last week.

There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

People were so upset at me during a funeral this morning....

Don't know why, not my fault I had mourning wood.

A man's father died but couldn't make to his father's funeral...

But the man wanted to give his father the best funeral possible.

After the funeral he gets the bill about a month later totalling $16,000. He pays the bills immediately and goes on his way.

Untill about a month later he gets another bill for $85. He just shrugs it off and pays it thi...

Arranging a funeral for my boss is turning out to be more difficult than I thought.

He keeps asking what we are doing.

There was a car accident involving a funeral procession, yesterday. One person dead.

Luckily it was a fender-bender and no one was hurt.

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Parking officers funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the parking officers funeral, A voice from inside screams " I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out!"

The vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air in through his teeth and mutters

"Too fucking late pal, already done the paperwork."

Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?

He isn’t a mourning person

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A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

“I’m sorry” and “my bad” bassicly mean the same thing

Unless your at a funeral

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Things you can say both during sex and a funeral

This would be much better if u were alive

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Why was there only 2 pallbearers at XXXTENTACION’s funeral?

There’s only 2 handles on a trash can

A man getting coffee sees a weird funeral ...

He sees a funeral with two caskets, about 20 feet back is a man with a pit bull, and then 20 more feet back a line of about 100 men.

The guy getting coffee was curious and walked up to the man with the pit bull and said,”I’m sorry to bother but who is in the first casket?”

the...

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated hillbilly type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .

Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?

One day, very tragically, Catf...

I'm just back from my friend's funeral. He died after a tennis ball hit his head...

It was a beautiful service, to be fair...

My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.

"Because the market is dead, son"

This funeral I went to today was so boring

One person was sleeping literally the entire time

There's a funeral...

The minister gives the eulogy. When he finishes, he says, "The widow has asked if anyone would like to share a word."

A man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The widow replies, "Thank you! That means a lot."

I was at the funeral of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.

Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."

Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."

Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

My wife doesnt like me greeting people at a funeral

Good mourning.

My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't helped that she was still weariness them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sisters funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child even more awkward than it already was...

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me: "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

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Priest told the congregation this joke today at mass.

A Lutheran and a Catholic are out golfing together near a valley. They are going about their own business when they notice a funeral procession at the bottom of the valley.


The Lutheran states "Oh, a funeral" and pays no more mind to it.


The Catholic, however, takes his hat of...

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

I've been asked to lead the singing at Keith Flint's funeral

I'm a choir starter

I am so very sad because tomorrow is my mother-in-laws funeral

and she's cancelled it.

Joe killed a man, and then went to the man’s funeral as a VIP.

The investigation later found it was suicide.

What song was performed at Geralt Of Rivia's funeral?

Ding Dong The Witcher's Dead

The owner of the local cinema died today

His funeral is on:

Monday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Tuesday 15:30, 17:15, 19:00

Wednesday 16:45, 18:30, 20:15

Thursday 16:00, 17:45, 19:30

What is more disappointing than a funeral?

Maroon 5 dancing on the money they made through Stephen Hillenburg's death.

An Undertaker just came home from work

Undertaker: Honey, I'm home. You won't believe the guy I prepared for the funeral today, He's got 9 inches long and 2 inches in diameter of.....

Wife: NOOOoooo! Jeffrey's dead!

Two lions spoke at a funeral...

First lion sighed and said: "I'm really sorry about the loss of your kids, bro..."

Second lion nodded and bowed his head: "Yes, may they rest in peace. Sometimes I blame myself, but they were so delicious!!"

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