This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical aftertho...

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.

​

CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthre...

What should you do if you're cold?

Sit in the corner! They're usually 90 degrees!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

It was so cold in D.C. today…

…that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

The people who say that pathologists are “cold and unfeeling,” have it backwards . . . .

It’s their patients who are unfeeling and cold.

-273.1500°C is really cold.

But for some people it is just OK.

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both love cracking open a cold one.

If you ever get cold,

Just stand in a corner for a bit. They’re usually around 90 degrees.

A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations

A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot. You can always catch a cold

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is enjoying a nice cold beer in a bar when out of nowhere...

A clearly drunk old man walks over and says to him "Hey boy! Guess what! I saw your little sister naked! Wotcha gonna do about it pussy?"

The guy says "Nothing. Go and sit down and leave me alone."

10 minutes later the old man comes back and says "Oy young fella! I once touched your Gr...

Why is President Donald Trump never cold?

He dodges the draft.

I decided to stop smoking cold turkey...

...and put it on my sandwiches instead.

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

What does Jon Snow do when he gets cold?

He snuggles up to da-near-es Targaryen.

Why do they have the A/C on so cold in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables nice and cool.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A paralyzed man says to his friend, “Go upstairs and get my shoes. My feet are cold”

The friend goes upstairs and sees the paralyzed man’s two sexy 17 year old daughters.

He says, “Your father sent me up here to have sex with you.”

One of the girls replies, “That couldn’t possibly be true!”

The man says “I’ll prove it” and then yells towards the stairs, “Both of...

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

How cold is the coldest country in South America?

I don't know but it's probably very Chile.

What should you do if it gets too cold inside your pancreas?

Install some insulination.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

A husband and wife decided to go to Florida to escape the snow and cold in Minnesota.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel and sent an email to wife after he arrived. However, he accidental...

What do you call pasta with a cold?

Macaroni and sneeze

Was told to me by my 3 year old

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

What do you call a cold hippo?

Hippothermia.

What happens when Smaug gets a cold and coughs up a hobbit?

He becomes Dragon Ball Wheeze.

A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: "Honey my butt is so cold."

Me: *touchs her butt* "Ooooh like Siberia!"

Wife: "It's that cold?"

Me: "No, it's that big!"

Two monkeys sit in a bath

One monkey says: "OOOH OOOH AAAH AAAH AAH OOH"

The other monkey then says: "Well put some cold water in then."

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

Why did the computer got cold?

Because it forgot to close *Windows*

Did you hear about the lizard in the news?

He murdered someone in cold blood

A story about cold water

I visited my papaw who lives in a cabin in the woods after he was widowed. I planned to stay for a few days.
The first day he made dinner, as I was going to make my plate, I noticed my dish was dirty.
I asked papaw "do you have any clean dishes around?"
"No, that's about as good as cold ...

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it su...

How can you tell when it's a cold day in Juarez?

Everyone is having brrritos for lunch.

It's so cold outside...

even the ATM shows minus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

My mother was feeling cold

so now I'm wearing a sweater.

Whis is R. Kelly excited by all this cold weather?

He kept hearing it was gonna be in the teens

Why was the stadium so cold?

Because there were a lot of fans

My friends say that my sudden urges to crack open a cold one is becoming a problem.

I just don't see the issue with necrophilia.

Today's performance of Hamilton in Chicago was cancelled due to the cold.

Once again, Brrr killed Hamilton.

I felt sorry for a very cold man and I invited him into my house to spend the night.

And what did he do? Peed all over my floor and left without saying a damn word!

If you see this guy, don't let him in. He's very pale, heavyset but his arms look like two sticks. Has two black eyes, smokes a corn cob pipe and wears a red scarf and a black top hat..

What did the paraplegic track event and the Cold War have in common?

They were both an arms race.

Argentina is surprisingly cold at this time of the year.

It’s bordering on Chile

Its so cold outside today

I was mugged by a guy using a water pistol.

It’s so cold up North right now...

...that they are telling Wal-Mart shoppers to wear at least two pairs of pajamas.

It was so cold last night that I had to cut open my tauntaun to sleep.

Unfortunately that only got me luke warm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Since it’s so cold, my Ex has been trying to hookup with me again.

Just as predicted it’s a polar whoretxt.

"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid.

"Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

I like my girlfriend like I like my cold.

I wish my cold would leave me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cold Ones -NSFW

A nun walks out after school to catch two alter boys with their dicks in the snow.

The nun asks, “what are you boys doing?!”

They reply, “The Priest said he wanted a few cold ones after work.”

One night in Baghdad, an American, an Englishman and an Iraqi were sitting, chilling with cold beer in a night bar.

The American took his glass, drank the beer, threw the glass into the air, pulled his pistol, shot the glass, commenting that they have such cheap glasses in America that they do not have to drink from the same one twice.

The Englishman, impressed, grabs his glass and does the same thing as ...

Kid: why’s the food so cold and bland?

Dad: because your mom put her heart and soul into it!

Why is hot friendlier than cold?

Because heat waves but cold snaps.

Whats white and cold and if it fell off a tree it would kill you?

A fridge.

What do you call a cold jalapeño?

A chili pepper!

They’re taking “Baby It’s Cold Outside” off off of the radio for being offensive?

But I can’t help to think about all those poor children that lost their grandmothers in tragic reindeer accidents.

With a grim look on his face, my doctor told me I had onomatopoeia. Breaking in to a cold sweat, I gasped, “What’s that?!”

He whispered, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

Why is spring water always freezing cold?

Because if it were any warmer, it'd be summer water.

How did the Cold War end?

Global Warming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a cold hot dog?

A chilly Willy

It's so cold I can....

see my farts!

"Do you have some cold beer mate?"

"Like my ex-wife's heart."

"You could have just said that you don't have any."

During the Cold War, there was an East German couple who were outside one evening when it was lightly precipitating...

They got into an argument, the man claiming it was raining, and the woman claiming it was snowing.

During the heat of the argument, they spotted a well known local official walking past.

The wife exclaimed, "We will ask Brother Rudolph for the official word from the Party!"
...

Who is Bill Nye when he has a cold?

The Sinus Guy!

My son said all he wanted for Christmas was "cold-hard cash."

So I froze his bank account.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they're cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Corey was feeling very cold during his entire life.

One day he died and went to Heaven. Meeting St. Peter at the Heaven’s Gate Corey asks him.

\- St Peter, I was freezing all of my life and was dreaming about how warm it would be in Hell if I could get there. Can you please send me to Hell so I would get some warm?

\- You’ve spent quite...

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work.

And that’s how I learned he was a necrophiliac.

Are you cold?

Come sit in the corner. It's 90º.

That's an acute joke.

No, it's right.

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

On a cold winter day....

....31st December 2009, the employees of a company received the following message "While the company recognises your invaluable services, we are sorry to inform that we would be able to pay your salaries only next year". Shocked on seeing this, the employees contacted the salary section of the finan...

Cracking open a cold one with the boys sounded like a lot of fun,

until we pulled up to the morgue.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click herefor more information.