The 95+ Best Cold Jokes

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

Two Canadians End up in Hell...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan...

Someone just called me, sneezed and hung up.

God, I hate cold callers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

almost forgot it was my cake day! here's my favorite joke. it's not about cake

On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse s...

Oldie, but Goldie...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classic from Barry Cryer

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding...

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch cold

"Waiter, my soup is cold!" "It's gazpacho"

"Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"

An old couple goes out for lunch.

They order one burger, one small fry, and one drink. The man gets an extra cup and pours half of the drink into the other cup, gets a plastic knife and cuts the burger in half, and dumps out the fries and divides them.

I noticed and asked if they needed a few bucks to buy another meal. The o...

Y'all know what amazes me the most? A thermosbottle.

In the summer, if you pour a cold drink into it, it keeps it cold. In winter, if you pour hot tea it keeps it warm.

Like, how the hell does the bottle know, when it's summer and when it's winter?

Two bears are walking along.

The little bear says "What kind of bears are we Mommy?"

Mommy says "We are Polar Bears my son."

So they keep walking a little bit and the little bear asks "Are you sure I don't have some Grizzly Bear in me?"

Mommy says "No. We are pure Polar Bears."

So they walk a while ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Uranus - These a re all true BTW

Uranus is full of gas.
Uranus smells like farts.
Uranus craps diamonds.
Uranus is a cold, cold place.
NASA flew by Uranus and snapped lots of pics.
Uranus is huge.
We can see Uranus with the naked eye.
Uranus is bleeding is an actual astrological (not astronomical...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

...short story..

Last night I was watching an old Stalone / Banderas / Moore movie - Assassins, where Julianne Moore is telling a nice and old story that is worth following...

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so c...

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

Two eggs, a bagel, and a sausage walk into a bar. “Bartender, my friends and I would like a cold one,” says one of the eggs.

“Sorry,” the barman replies. “We don’t serve breakfast.”

My wife always complains about how cold the living room is when watching TV.

I told her to sit in the corner as its always 90 degrees.

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The suspicious Soviet.

In the heat of the Cold war, the American C.I.A decides to send one of their best spy in Soviet Russia. The spy speak perfect Russians and learn the culture and history of the Russians.

Upon arrival in Moscow, the spies takes photography of nuclear implant, he follows Soviets politician throu...

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.

At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.

One asks, "...

Tim, Tom, and Long John were taking a walk across a bridge.

About half-way across, the three men decided to stop and take a leak off the side of the bridge.

While they were relieving themselves, Tim notices, "That water is pretty far down there!"

Tom wonders aloud, "I wonder how cold that water is."

John says, "It is co...

So, I found proof of the Second Coming of Jesus on a ancient piece of fabric….

Now I gotta wash my hands, and take a cold shower.

They told me to go cold turkey...

So now I'm chilling in Istanbul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and a couple of the guys were having a beer and laughing about how stupid our wives are.

Ted said, "Mine's the stupidest. She goes out shopping and she comes back with a pair of jodhpurs and a riding crop, and she's never been on a horse in her life."

Jack said, "Mine's stupider than that. She goes out shopping and she comes back with a sailor's jersey and cap and a pair of deck ...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

What does a swimming pool and a dead body have in common?

They are both cold when you first get in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a nun are driving home from a seminary...

... when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. It's getting late and so they have to spend the night at an inn. The priest says "I don't think the Lord will mind us sharing a room Sister, I'll take the couch, you can have the bed." She agrees and they go to bed. Later in the middle of the ...

A Winnipeg man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."

The man says, "No problem. I'm from Winnipeg."

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then...

Every morning this week my girlfriend and I have been getting all hot and sweaty in the shower.

Cold handle's broken. Plumber'll be here Tuesday.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter.

So this young kid goes out to solicit donations for Jehovah’s witnesses.

It’s dark and cold and the rain is coming down in buckets. He sees a house with the lights on and runs up the driveway and knocks on the door. Half a minute later the owner opens the door and the young fellow informs him who he is.

“Well don’t stand out there in the rain. Come on in and dry ...

Sven and Ole go to hell

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple are driving home from a party one night, and they run over a badger..

They pull over, and realize the badger is still breathing but it's injured and freezing cold. The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up while we drive home." The wife replies "But it's all wet, and it smells disgusting!"

The husband says "Plug his fucking nose then!"

What do you eat when you’re cold and angry?

A BRRRR GRRRRR.

A cop is waiting outside the bar at closing time

He knows its easy pickings for DUI's as the bar closes. Sure enough, right at 2am, a man stumbles out to his car. The cop watches as he fumbles to get his keys out, struggles to unlock and open the door, and drops the keys repeatedly before finally getting them in the ignition and starting the car...

A man goes into a restaurant.

He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter, 'Waiter, come taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup?'

He says, 'Taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?'

The man says, 'W...

Death of a drug dealer

A drug dealer was shot in cold blood for simply saying,

"We don't have that. Is Pepsi okay?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winter

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Artificial Intelligence & Counter Intelligence

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.

Google: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees. Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse.

She is just 12 minutes ...

You can keep your beer cold with the same stuff that makes it clear

Isinglass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pony goes into a pharmacy and asks for some throat lozenges.

The pharmacist asks, "Do you have a cold?".

The pony replies, "No. I'm just a little hoarse."

With all the coffee jokes lately, I've realized something...

My coffee is just like my wife.

Ice cold, with no cream in it.

Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland...

A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland and he stops on a pub to get a drink. And the only people in there is a bartender and an old men nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes: "You see this bar? I ...

Say what you like about Boko Haram,

but you've got to admit, 'Whiter Shade of Pale' was a stone cold classic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

Get up at 5:00AM every day

90 minutes of cardio

Take a cold shower

Journal

Schedule out your day

Dad owns Fortune 500 company

Meditate

What do a wife and an old car have in common?

It’s hard to get them to turn over on a cold morning

PSA: If you have been a cold drink on a hot day…

…you may be entitled to condensation

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

I was watching a show that started with this person opening a freezer chest.

It was a cold opener.

Why did the Inventor of sandals take back his claim for a patent?

He got cold feet

My wife keeps getting mad at me for eating leftovers straight from the fridge.

I told her that it's really hard to quit cold turkey.

They worked hard to uncover the masked Refrigerator thief

But the case went cold

So do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit?

"So do you use Celsius or Fahrenheit?"

"I use Melvin."

"You mean Kelvin?"

"Nah mate. Melvin. YO MELVIN! IS IT COLD OUTSIDE!?"

Cold

A man woke up early and kissed his wife good morning and goodbye. He made a thermos of coffee and a thermos of hot soup as his car warmed up in the driveway. He packed his fishing gear and proceeded to drive out to the lake for some ice fishing.

As he drove down the road he realized ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I feel so cold using the computer.

Because I opened too many windows.

A salesman was looking for a house to sell his vacuum cleaner in a new territory

He found the first house and knocked at it's door

A woman answered the knock but before she could say anything,the man rushed into the house and dumped a pile of garbage there

"Ma'am" the man said in his best salespitch "if this vacuum cleaner doesn't work wonders in cleaning u...

Two monkeys are in bath

The first monkey says: Oe-aa-ie-aa-oe.
The second monkey says: Shall I add some cold water?

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos.

The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos!"
"What's it do?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's t...

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civiliz...

My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.

Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after...

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

What do you call a dollar frozen in a block of ice?

Cold hard cash.

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn't dressed for church.

"Why aren't you dressed for church?"

"Simple. I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'll give you three pretty good reasons why I'm not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It's ju...

My wife asked me to get out of the house because I can’t stop singing Christmas songs.

I said, “But Baby, it’s cold outside.”

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

Odessa. A Jewish Mother stands on the balcony and shouts:

– Arkasha! Home!

The son shouts back:

– Am I cold?

– No! You’re hungry!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Monkeys were in the process of getting into a bath, and one said to the other "ooo aa oo eee ooo ee oo"

And the other one said "put some fucking cold in then!"

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune ...

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home ...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

Moms Recipe for Iced Coffee

Have Kids.
Make Coffee.
Forget you made coffee.
Put it in the microwave.
Forget you put it in the microwave.
_*DRINK IT COLD*_

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

My wife left a note on the fridge...

"This is not working, I'm going to my mom’s house."

I opened the fridge door, the light was on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?

I’m not saying it’s cold outside, but…

I had to take a chisel along when I walked the dog to free him from a fire hydrant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Postman

Walter the mail carrier was delivering mail and a few packages to Mrs. Petersen, a gorgeous housewife, right before Christmas. Mrs. Petersen was stunning and always had a kind word, unlike her arrogant prick of a husband. It was a cold morning, and as Walter was dropping off her mail, Mrs. Petersen ...

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men give their jacket to women when its cold ?

Because no guy wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth.

I’m Quitting Wild Turkey

Cold Turkey

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

I work at a funeral home and just got my drinking buddies a job helping to clean the place up…

…Now I can crack open a cold one with the boys everyday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker goes into a truck stop...

And takes a seat next to a colleague. They chat about their routes and generally shoot the breeze for a while, until a woman passes by them and goes into the bathroom.

As she comes out, the second trucker mutters "tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman, in shock, whirls around an...

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up.

I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists say

Scientists say that regular masturbation can help fight off the common cold.

That's great news because I've run out of tissues.

A guy showed up late to a Cannibal dinner

He was given the Cold Shoulder

When the singer from DragonForce came down with a cold...

He was hit with inspiration for their new hit song.

Through the Fire and Phlegm

Why is space so cold?

Because we have all the space heaters down here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping cabin on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a cabin, they went to bed, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, they were both still wide awake and they both knew it.

He said: "I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet under you...

Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?

They don't want their nuts to freeze off.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.