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Justice is a dish best served cold

Because if it was served warm, it would be justwater

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Why do guys always give their jacket to girls when they’re cold?

Because no one wants a blowjob from a girl when her teeth are chattering.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

What do you call a Vampire with a bad cold?

Nosferachoo!

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

I used to think that revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I learned it means "getting back at someone".

It's really cold outside

Don't worry, it's an inside joke.

I have tried to quit cold turkey; but...

It is just so tasty!

I always thought I hated sitting on cold toilet seats

Until I sat on a warm one

A chemist fell into a cold chamber at -459.67° F.

He was 0K.

What do pedophile vampires do to relax?

Crack open a boy with the cold ones.

I don't care about your opinion, left will always be cozy and warm and right will always be cold and bitter

That's how the sink works

If you're cold, just go stand in the corner.

It's 90 degrees there.

It’s so cold outside

I saw a politician walking around with his hands in his own pockets

Why are hospitals and clinics always kept cold?

To keep the vegetables fresh.

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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The FBI Needed a Stone Cold Killer

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what ...

I made a video about having a cold

I didn't expect it to go viral

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It's very cold one night...

A little bird is sitting in a tree trying to get some sleep but overnight it gets very cold and the little bird freezes. Unable to use his wings, he drops out of the tree and falls to the ground below.



A nearby cow hears the thud and wanders over to investigate. Seeing the frozen ...

Chris: “this water isn’t warm, or cold”

Luke: “what should we call it?”

Chris: “how about Chriswarm”

Luke: “I have a better idea”

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.

Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

Cold War Era Joke: This Russian dude had a talking parrot. A very special parrot who loved cursing the regime, and the Communist party leaders. One day, hard knocks on the door, "KGB, open up!". The guy hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB searches the apartment and cannot find the parrot.

The KGB agents give the guy a warning. Once they leave, he runs to the freezer takes out the shivering bird and hugs it and tells the parrot to curse the revolution. The parrot is mum. "Com'on curse Brezhniev , curse the KGB. The parrot looks at the guy and says "I've just been to Siberia! I'm not t...

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.

They're normally around 90 degrees.

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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?

Dad: Because your *mother* put her heart and soul into it.

Why is God’s house always cold?

Because he can’t close a door without opening a window.

What does a Dutchman do when he's cold?

He sits by the heater.

What does he do when he's very cold?

He turns the heater on.

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It was autumn, and Indians on a reserve asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.



A few days later, as a practical...

A blonde in Russia is buying a coat to protect herself from the cold in winter.

The salesman gets the best winter coat for her size and gives it to her for her to try it. The blonde puts the coat on, goes out and waits for two minutes to see if it works well. Then she says, "Oh there is no need to get a coat anymore, the weather got warm!"

I’ve decided to quit smoking cold turkey

I only smoke cigarettes now

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Me: I’m afraid of the cold

Therapist: I see

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist chill out!

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

The greatest devastation from the Cold War ...

is that most Americans believe it was an actual war.

My girlfriend is too cold and she's not budging...

how can I get her out the freezer?

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

I'd crack open a cold one, but...

The hospital won't let me back in after last time.

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

What language do people with colds speak?

Phlegmish

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My pony caught a cold

He’s a little hoarse

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

My wife threw a pack of turkey and a lighter in the cart and my God the temptation was strong...

It was just last week that I quit smoking cold turkey

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

I listened to a song about the common cold...

It's very catchy.

During the cold war

The USSR had an epidemic of unplanned pregnancies, so they unwillfuly asked the US for aid since they dudnt had the technology to produce good condoms. They didn't wanted to look weak so they asked for 1 billion 11 inch condoms. The Americans got their request and didn't wanted to look weak either, ...

How would you describe a dog that is cold and distant?

Awoof

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

What's green, slimey, cold, long and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘d...

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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

What do you cover yourself with at night that can keep you hot and cold?

A bipolar blanket

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3 guya are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp...

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." ...

What is the state that has the most colds?

Mass-ACHOO-setts

What did the RNA do when it got cold?

It put its codon.

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What do you call a prostitute out in the freezing cold?

A frostitute!

-273.1500°C is really cold.

But for some people it is just OK.

A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations

A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker ...

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

What does a redditor say when someone sneezes on him

Edit: thank you for the cold kind stranger!

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"

I said "Cold War Russia."

Why are prisons so cold?

to serve just ice.

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Wife: "Honey my butt is so cold."

Me: *touchs her butt* "Ooooh like Siberia!"

Wife: "It's that cold?"

Me: "No, it's that big!"

A man travelling across Europe catches a nasty cold

While resting at a hotel in Madrid, a man realizes hes sick and needs to go to the hospital. He quickly walks to the hotel's check-in desk and asks where the nearest hospital is, as he didnt really know what to call or where to go.

The hotel clerk says to the man: "No worries, sir. We shall ...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

Let's Pretend

At one night, a priest and a nun decided to get out of the convent together. They were looking for somewhere to pass the night, until they found a little hut, which only had a double bed and a wardrobe with some blankets. The priest asked the nun:

\- Should we sleep here?

\- Yes - the ...

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot. You can always catch a cold

What do you call pasta with a cold?

Macaroni and sneeze

Was told to me by my 3 year old

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.



CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King S...

What does a cannibal get when he arrives late to dinner?

The cold shoulder.

I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

External:- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student:- I will open the window.

External :- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

A story about cold water

I visited my papaw who lives in a cabin in the woods after he was widowed. I planned to stay for a few days.
The first day he made dinner, as I was going to make my plate, I noticed my dish was dirty.
I asked papaw "do you have any clean dishes around?"
"No, that's about as good as cold ...

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A guy is enjoying a nice cold beer in a bar when out of nowhere...

A clearly drunk old man walks over and says to him "Hey boy! Guess what! I saw your little sister naked! Wotcha gonna do about it pussy?"

The guy says "Nothing. Go and sit down and leave me alone."

10 minutes later the old man comes back and says "Oy young fella! I once touched your Gr...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

What does Jon Snow do when he gets cold?

He snuggles up to da-near-es Targaryen.

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I once had a small part in a porn movie.

It was cold that day.

What should you do if it gets too cold inside your pancreas?

Install some insulination.

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

A husband and wife decided to go to Florida to escape the snow and cold in Minnesota.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel and sent an email to wife after he arrived. However, he accidental...

The phone rings....

A man answers: "Hello?"


"*cough, cough, achoo*"


"Who is this?"


"*cough, achoo, cough, cough*"


The man slams down the phone. "Damn cold calls."

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

Why was the necrophiliac depressed?

His lovers were always giving him the cold shoulder.

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