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Cold Jokes

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

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Is this winter gonna be cold?

The Indians on the Aamjiwnaang First Nation reservation in Grand Bend asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was go...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civiliz...

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

My ex's cooking was cold and bland.

Clearly, she put her heart and soul into it.

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Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

It was so cold in D.C. today...

that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

"Waiter, my soup is cold!" "It's gazpacho"

"Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"

Dad, I'm cold..

Dad : Go stand in the corner son.

Son: why?

Dad: because its 90 degrees

Cold turkey

Alcoholic 1: Do you think I should quit cold turkey?

Alcoholic 2: You should! I quit cold turkey 10 years ago, from that time I only eat it hot or at least warm!

Why don't ants catch colds?

They have tiny anty bodies.

What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?

A Ham-Brrr-Grrr.


I made this joke when I was 11. I remember being super proud lol.

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch cold.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

Cold

A man woke up early and kissed his wife good morning and goodbye. He made a thermos of coffee and a thermos of hot soup as his car warmed up in the driveway. He packed his fishing gear and proceeded to drive out to the lake for some ice fishing.

As he drove down the road he realized ...

Why was the book freezing cold?

It lost its jacket!

Why was it called the Cold War?

Because of all the Icy-BMs!

What does a spy do in cold weather?

Goes under cover.

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

LPT: If you ever get cold and don't have a sweater, stand in a corner for a few minutes; they're usually about 90 degrees.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

What do you eat when you’re cold and angry?

A BRRRR GRRRRR.

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy.

So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to...

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Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

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Cold

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest iglo...

They told me to go cold turkey...

So now I'm chilling in Istanbul.

Why was the computer cold?

Because it left its Windows open!

Starting a small group for cooks who speedily make stereotypical cold baked flans.

The Quick Cliché Quiche Clique Competition. Coming soon.

Why didn't The Black Pearl get cold and drafty on cold winter nights at sea?

Because pirate ships have a very high Arrrrrr value.

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Hot and cold sex

After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man.. "After I have sex with my wife, I
am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with h...

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Just a really bad spell of weather.

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A little bird was dying on a cold snowy field.

A cow was passing by and dropped some dung on it. The dung wormed the bird and it felt nice and warm so the bird started to sing with joy. A passing cat heard the singing of the bird. The cat found the bird and got it out of the dung. Then it ate the bird.

The moral of the story:
Not eve...

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter.

Why is space so cold?

Because we have all the space heaters down here.

I feel so cold using the computer.

Because I opened too many windows.

What does Pennsylvania wear to protect itself from the cold sea?

New Jersey.

*dipping my toe into water* "Ooo that's much too cold!"

Girlfriend: "Waiter, I'd like a separate jug please."

Where should you go in the room if you’re feeling cold?

The corner—they’re usually 90 degrees.

Who makes cold brew coffee?

A Brrrrrista.

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cold lips

There once was a young apprentice shepard learning the ropes of his job at an old remote farm in the mountains. The old shepard took the young apprentice under his wing. "Looky here rook, you're going to be staying alone for the night at the farm. We've had problems with the wolves before, but if th...

My girlfriend asked me to get her a cold drink.

Apparently cough syrup wasn't what she was after...

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

I’m not saying it’s cold outside, but…

I had to take a chisel along when I walked the dog to free him from a fire hydrant.

You can keep your beer cold with the same stuff that makes it clear

Isinglass

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

What did the rain say when it was too cold

What the hail

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

A Ronald Reagan cold War joke

An American,Polish and Russian dog were sitting together.

The American dog started talking : it is great living in America you can bark all day in the fields and at night you get a big beefy peice of meat.

The polish dog asked : what is meat ?

The Russian dog asked : what is bar...

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Cold hands

A young man picks up his girlfriend on a very cold winter day in his fathers sleigh. They go for a ride on a trail though the forest.

After they travel a few miles, the boy abruptly stops the horse and says, "my hands are so cold." 

The girl says "put them between my legs and I'll wa...

Cold Turkey

Guy buys a parrot and when he gets home, he discovers that it won’t stop cussing.

After a few days of embarrassment and covering his kids’ ears, he threatens the parrot.

“I’m gonna send you to go live in the freezer if you don’t clean up your act!”

The parrot: “F*** off, A**ho...

My wife always complains about how cold the living room is when watching TV.

I told her to sit in the corner as its always 90 degrees.

My thermos flask keeps my hot drinks hot, cold drinks cold

But how does it know?

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

PSA: If you have been a cold drink on a hot day…

…you may be entitled to condensation

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A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Why did the Cold War end?

Global warming started.

When the singer from DragonForce came down with a cold...

He was hit with inspiration for their new hit song.

Through the Fire and Phlegm

Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens a...

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How cold will it get tonight, I asked my wife

She said that it was going to get to 28 degrees or colder and we should cover up all the plants and get ready for the growing season to be done. I said the forecast was wrong and it wasn't going to get that cold. Right after I said that, though, the door crashed open and a white-haired old man charg...

God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it's like...

For a guy to catch a cold....

During Cold War, Mossad, CIA and KGB argue which is the best secret service.

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k...

How do I eat my food when I have a cold?

I - I - I - CHHHEEEWWWWWWW!!

You can take my fireworks from my cold dead fingers.

One is over there, another is there.

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?

They don't want their nuts to freeze off.

Give a man a jacket and he will never be cold.

Teach a man to jack it and he will never leave the house.

My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon

It never really took off.

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Can Cold Water Wash Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfathe...

How do you know when it’s really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

What did the water say to the cold?

You make me so hard!

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Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

Dated a Greek god, now I have cold sores

Thanks a lot, Herpules

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Cold night and walk through a graveyard

It was a cold night and I already missed my bus, so now I had a long walk home.

But I remembered there was a shortcut which passed through a graveyard. I was a bit scared to take this shortcut but gathered all my courage and thought that in the daytime many people take this shortcut so why no...

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell.

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, yo...

What do you call pasta with a cold?

Macaroni and sneeze

Was told to me by my 3 year old

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

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On a snowy, cold winter day...

On a snowy, cold winter day, a priest decides to go visit his brother. Because the path is all snowy, it takes him much longer than he expected.

It was already pitch dark when he sees a light... He decides to follow it and when he comes to it, there is a monastery full of nuns. He knocks and ...

-273.1500°C is really cold.

But for some people it is just OK.

My dad gave up smoking cold turkey for new years. He’s doing better now but…

…he’s still coughing up feathers.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

Cracking open a cold one.

What did the cabinet maker do when he got cold?

He cupboard himself

A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations

A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker ...

A friend recommended contrast hot / cold shower

So I tried it. Don't see any health benefits yet but I have become easier to peel.

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Why do Americans serve their beer cold?

So you can tell it from piss.

What is faster Hot or cold?

Hot because you can catch a cold

(my teacher made this joke, and he isn't on reddit so I felt the impulse to share it)

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