Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

What do astronauts use when they're cold?

A space heater

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

I’ve decided to quit smoking cold turkey

I only smoke cigarettes now

If you’re cold you should stand in the corner.

It’s usually about 90 degrees

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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It was autumn, and Indians on a reserve asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.



A few days later, as a practical...

The greatest devastation from the Cold War ...

is that most Americans believe it was an actual war.

My girlfriend is too cold and she's not budging...

how can I get her out the freezer?

I'd crack open a cold one, but...

The hospital won't let me back in after last time.

A blonde in Russia is buying a coat to protect herself from the cold in winter.

The salesman gets the best winter coat for her size and gives it to her for her to try it. The blonde puts the coat on, goes out and waits for two minutes to see if it works well. Then she says, "Oh there is no need to get a coat anymore, the weather got warm!"

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My pony caught a cold

He’s a little hoarse

I was so late to the cannibal banquet

They just gave me a cold shoulder

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Me: I’m afraid of the cold

Therapist: I see

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist chill out!

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

What language do people with colds speak?

Phlegmish

A Cold Case had been reopened after 23 years looking for the Burton strangler

The police chief said "Quasimodo is one of our best detectives he's always got an hunch and he wouldn't back down"

I listened to a song about the common cold...

It's very catchy.

A man was murdered with a frozen rock.

The police eventually caught the stone cold killer.

How would you describe a dog that is cold and distant?

Awoof

What do you cover yourself with at night that can keep you hot and cold?

A bipolar blanket

What do necrophiliacs and beer lovers have in common?

They both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What's green, slimey, cold, long and smells like pork?

Kermits fingers

What is the state that has the most colds?

Mass-ACHOO-setts

How do you know when it’s cold outside?

Politicians have their hands in their own pockets

A man travelling across Europe catches a nasty cold

While resting at a hotel in Madrid, a man realizes hes sick and needs to go to the hospital. He quickly walks to the hotel's check-in desk and asks where the nearest hospital is, as he didnt really know what to call or where to go.

The hotel clerk says to the man: "No worries, sir. We shall ...

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What do you call a prostitute out in the freezing cold?

A frostitute!

During the cold war

The USSR had an epidemic of unplanned pregnancies, so they unwillfuly asked the US for aid since they dudnt had the technology to produce good condoms. They didn't wanted to look weak so they asked for 1 billion 11 inch condoms. The Americans got their request and didn't wanted to look weak either, ...

What did the RNA do when it got cold?

It put its codon.

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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

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Why do men always give their jackets to their women when they are cold?

Who wants a blowjob from a woman who is shaking with her teeth?

Back during the Cold War, the CIA, FBI and KGB decide to have a contest...

To prove they are the best secret service in the world, they'll have to find a rabbit in a forest.



CIA go first. After 24 hours, they get out of the forest and announce that they listened to every conversation in the forest, checked for strange lights in the sky, overthrew the King S...

-273.1500°C is really cold.

But for some people it is just OK.

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

A red cross worker is cold calling people for donations

A Red Cross worker is cold calling people for donations and comes across a lawyer where records shows he makes $500k+ a year and hasn’t made a single charitable donation. So the Red Cross worker calls the lawyer and asks if he’d like to donate. The lawyer says “no “,thank you.” The Red Cross worker ...

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot. You can always catch a cold

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Wife: "Honey my butt is so cold."

Me: *touchs her butt* "Ooooh like Siberia!"

Wife: "It's that cold?"

Me: "No, it's that big!"

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

What do you call pasta with a cold?

Macaroni and sneeze

Was told to me by my 3 year old

Why is President Donald Trump never cold?

He dodges the draft.

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A guy is enjoying a nice cold beer in a bar when out of nowhere...

A clearly drunk old man walks over and says to him "Hey boy! Guess what! I saw your little sister naked! Wotcha gonna do about it pussy?"

The guy says "Nothing. Go and sit down and leave me alone."

10 minutes later the old man comes back and says "Oy young fella! I once touched your Gr...

What should you do if it gets too cold inside your pancreas?

Install some insulination.

Why do they have the A/C on so cold in hospitals?

To keep the vegetables nice and cool.

Cold War Dog Fight

During the Cold War, the Soviets and the Americans decided that nuclear brinkmanship was not sustainable. So they agreed to settle the question of world hegemony once and for all with a good old-fashioned dog fight - the parties had one year to prepare.

The top scientist of both nations worke...

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

A husband and wife decided to go to Florida to escape the snow and cold in Minnesota.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel and sent an email to wife after he arrived. However, he accidental...

What does Jon Snow do when he gets cold?

He snuggles up to da-near-es Targaryen.

How cold is the coldest country in South America?

I don't know but it's probably very Chile.

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.

A story about cold water

I visited my papaw who lives in a cabin in the woods after he was widowed. I planned to stay for a few days.
The first day he made dinner, as I was going to make my plate, I noticed my dish was dirty.
I asked papaw "do you have any clean dishes around?"
"No, that's about as good as cold ...

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

The super bowl is this weekend, don't forget to bring a jacket because it's supposed to get cold.

Luckily, there shouldn't be any Brees though.

A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

Why did the computer got cold?

Because it forgot to close *Windows*

A Kiwi and an Aussie are fishing one afternoon and have a couple of cold beers

After a while the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?" The Aussie after a great deal of thought, says, "I don't know about related, but it su...

I felt sorry for a very cold man and I invited him into my house to spend the night.

And what did he do? Peed all over my floor and left without saying a damn word!

If you see this guy, don't let him in. He's very pale, heavyset but his arms look like two sticks. Has two black eyes, smokes a corn cob pipe and wears a red scarf and a black top hat..

What happens when Smaug gets a cold and coughs up a hobbit?

He becomes Dragon Ball Wheeze.

My mother was feeling cold

so now I'm wearing a sweater.

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

It's so cold outside...

even the ATM shows minus.

Two monkeys sit in a bath

One monkey says: "OOOH OOOH AAAH AAAH AAH OOH"

The other monkey then says: "Well put some cold water in then."

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It is a cold, foggy night, and several passengers are in a bus, driving along little lanes through the countryside.

Suddenly, the bus swerves violently. The passengers are irritated. A young man who was woken up by the bus's swerving says: "What happened?"

"Mist," the bus driver says, dismissively.

The young man thinks that yes, it is harder to drive in fog, and falls back asleep thinking nothin...

Why was the stadium so cold?

Because there were a lot of fans

Whis is R. Kelly excited by all this cold weather?

He kept hearing it was gonna be in the teens

Argentina is surprisingly cold at this time of the year.

It’s bordering on Chile

Kid: why’s the food so cold and bland?

Dad: because your mom put her heart and soul into it!

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