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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day:

The daughter said to her mother. “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied. “Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.” The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said. “My hands are freezing cold.”<...

On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now.”

What do you call cold Mexican food?

A Brrrr-rito.

Guess what I had for breakfast. Apologies if repost.

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I started playing COD Cold War yesterday and ended up playing online against a player called Hitler. He got so many kills but...

It was only because he was Kampfing.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Two cowboys are riding the range on a bitterly cold day when one of them vaults out of the saddle and picks up a piece of a frozen cow pat.

He rubs it on his mouth for a moment and then throws it away. As he remounts, his pard gives him an odd look, so he grunts "Chapped lips".

"I see," says his pard. "That helps 'em heal, does it?"

"Nope," says the first cowboy, "but it sure stops me lickin' them."

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the memb...

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Why do men give cold women their jackets?

No man wants a blowjob from a woman with chattering teeth

If a cow is cold, you get a milkshake. But what do you get when the cow is even colder?

A dead cow

What did the dictionary say when it got a cold?

I had thesaurus throat ever.....




I'll see myself out

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I have a cold sore... I knew I shouldn't have kissed that stripper on the lips.

Or on the mouth.

I quit cold turkey!

Now I only eat hot turkey. Reheat those leftovers people. Happy Thanksgiving!

The combination of legalized marijuana and Canadas cold winter brings us to a state of collective...

High-brrr-nation

What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat?

Shrivel me timber!

It's cold outside.

Give a man a jacket and he will stay warm for a day.
Teach a man to jacket and he will never leave his house.

Why is the letter B so cold?

Because it’s between the AC.

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A policeman is riding his motorcycle on a dark, lonely stretch of road on a freezing cold night.

He sees a fellow motorcyclist stopped on the side of the road. "What's the problem?" he says. "Bike wont run" So the cop dismounts and says, "Probably frozen carburettor, just pee on it"
Biker doesn't seem keen so the cop pulls out the meat-baton and gives the carbys a good spray. "There ya go ma...

I wish we cold stop idiots from being literate.

Then jokes like this would never happen.

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Justice is a dish best served cold

Cause otherwise it would be justwater

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

NASA is currently investigating why Mars used to be warm and wet and now dry and cold.

My guess is 5-10 years of marriage.

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

Cold War?

should've worn a jacket

I used to eat cold turkey all the time..

The only way I could stop was to taper off my intake gradually.

A masochist is a person who likes a cold shower in the morning...

So, they take a hot one.

This cop had just finished his shift one cold July evening and was sitting at home next to his wife.

"You won't believe what happened this evening, Hallie. In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."
"Really?" She says. "Tell me what happened."
"Man, I came across these two dudes down by the river. One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating firew...

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

At an international military convention during the Cold War,

various generals from around the world gathered to brag about their accomplishments. An American general stood up and proudly stated, "In the US military, all of our soldiers get 3000 calories a day and we can raise it to 5000 during periods of hard training."

A Soviet general, upon hearing ...

What is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, you can catch a cold.

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

The man who was always cold

Old Arab joke, hope it translates well

There once was a man who was always cold. No matter how many layers of clothes he wore, or how much heat he was exposed to, he would be shivering.
He was a good, pious man, so when he died, God took him up to Heaven. While the man was very appreciati...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

Three park rangers are walking together through a wintry forest when they come upon a tiny leprechaun, shivering in the cold.

The leprechaun asks the rangers for help escaping the snowy forest, and tells them that whoever can come up with the best and kindest way to transport him out of the forest, will be granted his pot of gold.

The first ranger offers him a limousine. “You will be in the lap of luxury as you are ...

During a severely cold winter long ago, a well-known American poet came up behind me and gnawed on my leg.

That was the only time I've ever encountered Frost bite.

The Cold War was so anticlimactic...

I mean, it was mostly just Stalin

A man goes to church by himself one Sunday, leaving his wife at home who had a cold.

Upon his return from church, his wife noticed that he had two black eyes. “What in the world happened to you??”

The man explained, sheepishly, “Well, we stood up for the first hymn and there in the pew in front of me was Sue Ellen. Don’t you know, she was wearing one of them dresses she wears...

What do you call a cold crocodile?

A refrigergator.

Why don't ants catch colds?

They have tiny anty bodies.

As I handed him my passport, the immigration officer stared at me with cold, dead eyes and mumbled, "I might not always agree with you, but..."

"I can see where you are coming from."

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

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This was a joke that I was told last year by my tour guide in Berlin about Cold War-era Russia.

Every morning, General Secretary Leonid Brezhnev would go out onto his balcony and stretch. He would look up at the sun, rising in the East and go, “Good morning, Sun. It is a beautiful day outside.”

The sun would reply, “Good morning, General Secretary! Thank you for admiring my work!”
...

Trump left hundreds of supporters stranded in the freezing cold last night

Which goes to show that even the biggest support can be turned blue

If you are ever cold just stand in a corner.

**They’re normally 90 degrees.**

What did the cold sore say at the brothel?

Her please

My boss stared at me coldly and grumbled, “You’re fired!" Dejected, I slowly placed my gun and badge on the table. Apparently, he wasn't finished because then he shouted...

“You’re a waiter, brah! Where did you get those!?"

“Hey, can you close the window, please? It’s cold outside.”

“Even if I close the window it’s still gonna be cold outside.”

In Minnesota, it gets so cold...

...that you can eat softserve directly from the udder!

A guy was paddling a small boat on a lake when it got very cold so he started a fire. He should have known better because ...

You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two men were kayaking down a cold river

They felt that if they didn’t do something soon, they’d freeze to death. So they decided to build a fire between them which ended up burning a hole through the vessel and sank it. This just goes to show you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

A couple is sitting on a bench in a cold winter night.

The man is putting his hand between the womans' legs.

-What are you doing?

-It's cold so I want to warm my hand.

-Aren't your ears cold as well?

My buddy takes his date's jacket to keep warm if it's cold...

And they say shivering is dead.

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’

The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

How do you know when it's cold outside?

When you go outside and see a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

Courtesy of my 5 year old: Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

To stop his coffin.

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A black man walks into a restaurant..

There is a huge sign on wall that says "Colored People Not Allowed."

The man takes a seat and a white man comes over in a hurry and says, " Excuse me son, we don't serve colored people in this restaurant. Im going to have to ask you to leave."

The black man smiles, looks at the white m...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he plls it off the hook it says ‟Please do not kill me! Spare my life and I will grant you all a wish!”

The German throws the fish back and says ‟I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty”, and immed...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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jack was sent to a military base in the middle of nowhere

after getting to know his fellow crewmates, he asked one of them: "so what do you guys do when you get frustrated?"

he replied: "well there's a tree west from here, and it has this hole that feels just like a tight pussy, it's really great"

jack thought to himself: "a tree? I'm not THA...

What happens when you add Cold hot sauce on Hot food?

you Chili things up.

A joke my friend told me (long)

Two Texans are hanging out in hell. One day, the devil walks up and says, "why are you two not burning?" The Texans reply, "We're from Texas, this feels great." So the devil goes and turns the heat wayyy up. There's no describing this heat. He returns to the Texans to find them still just hanging ou...

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the crash. How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"

"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself. As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "father, father I'm cold!" so the priest gets up a...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

How does a Russian refresh himself on a hot day?

With a Cold War

During a hot summer, a man goes through a McDonald's drive through and orders several cold drinks...

He repeats this process several times a day for a few days.
After the 4th day, a McDonald's manager decides to investigate why this man is buying so many drinks. He asks the man "why do you keep buying so many drinks when you could just go to a grocery store and get them cheaper?"

The man...

Me: *flips pillow to the cold side*

Everyone else at the funeral- :0

You know why the Cold War REALLY went on for so long?

Cause Russia kept Stalin.

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

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It was a cold Sunday...

It was a cold Sunday evening when the doorbell rang is Mrs O'Tooles house. When she answered the door, Seamus Glynn, her husbands co-worker at the brewery was stood on the doorstep.

‘Seamus, hello. Where’s my Patrick? He should have been home from work hours ago?’ The man sighed. ‘I’m sorry t...

An examiner is conducting a test...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test. The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student:- I will open the window.

Examiner :- Great, now suppose ...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

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Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow.

Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.

Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.

Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

What do you call a zoo where all the giraffes have colds?

Giraffe Sick Park

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

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Can Cold Water Clean Dishes

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia .

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs a...

When cheapskates get cold they all gather around the candle, but what do they do when they get real cold?

They light up the candle

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An Irishman walks into a pub.

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three ...

A man showed up late to the cannibal party

So they gave him the cold shoulder.

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

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Three woman we’re gossiping about their sex lives

'I noticed some time ago', said the first one about her boyfriend, 'that Tom's balls are cold while giving him a bj'.

'That's funny,' says the second one. 'I noticed the same thing with Peter's balls!'

The third one says: 'I never really paid attention to that. I'm gonna try it out wit...

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Training A Puppy

We brought home a new puppy on October 29. I told the family that the puppy has to be trained in one month. I said the family rule starting November 29 is that any piss or shit on the floor means a night outside.

Sure enough, I came home last night and found piss and shit on the floor. I knew...

I quit smoking cold turkey

And started putting it on my sandwiches instead.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

The annoying part of getting a cold

Have you ever noticed that when you have a cold your nostrils take turns between the working nostril and the blocked one?

It's annoying to have to fight over which one works.

I call this the "cold war."

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In a Store in US a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing right ...

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

A beautiful young woman who is very liberated, walks into a bar completely naked. She stands in front of the bartender and says "I'll take a cold beer!" The bartender serves her the beer and stares at her, not moving. "What's wrong?" she says "Haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

"Yes, many times!" the bartender replies
Then why do you look? the woman asks.
"I want to see where you're going to get the money to pay for the beer!"

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