UPJOKE
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Numb Jokes

A man goes to the doctor, complaining about numbness in his arm.

The doctor prescribes him a bottle of pills.

"Tomorrow morning, take 1 pill from this bottle. The day after that, take 2 pills, then 3 the next day and so on." The doctor tells the man.

Several days later, the man comes back panicking.

"Doctor, you gotta help me! I took twice as...

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A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

While most puns make me feel numb...

...Math puns make me feel number.

Maths make me feel numb

But divisibility by 2 makes me even number.

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Why is a Manchester United footballer like a man with a numb dick?

They both just can't finish.

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

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I feel sorry for anus numbing cream.

It has to deal with sensitive arseholes all the time.

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

What do you call a drink that will make you feel numb from the neck down?

A guillotini.

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

A clinic was trialling a new, cheap way to numb a patient for surgery.

The new method involved blunt force trauma to the patient's head.

The strategy was such a success that people would line up around the block to receive the new anaesthetic.

A man asked the doctor what the line was for.

The doctor replied "that's the punchline."

Did you hear about the guru who refused to let the dentist use Novocain to numb his mouth?

The guru said he wanted to transcend dental medication

I'm not saying I live in a rough area.

But I apply numbing cream every time I leave the house.

Truck wreck

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astou...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

Why do anesthesiologists have you count backwards from 100 when they put you under?

Because numb is good but number is better.

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

I went to my new male Gynecologist and he said to spread my legs so that he could numb it down there. So he went down and went

numnumnumnumnumnum

What do you call two idiots in a blizzard?

Numb and Number.

A skydiving instructor tells his student, "After jumping off the plane, count to ten and pull your parachute."

"W-w-what w-w-was th-th-that n-n-numb-b-ber ag-g-gain?"

"Two."

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A deaf couple was in bed...

A deaf couple was in bed, preparing to be intimate. The wife asked her husband if he was feeling kinky. He asked her why, and she described a sexual act she had recently learned about. She explained how she would wear a strap-on and stand on the side of the bed, holding his feet high in the air unti...

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

Tonight I'm planning to watch the movie where Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels play two math students

Numb and Number

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I once met a guy named Charlie who pulled chicks left and right...

I asked him "how do you have so many girls?" and he mentioned that they always come back to him.

"My secret, is before having sex, I'll whip out my dick and bang it against the fridge. That way it gets numb and I last longer making my woman feel good."

So that night I went home to my w...

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3 Choices...

A man dies, and finds himself in a plain-looking hallway. After a couple seconds, Satan appears in a puff of smoke.

"Hey there. Welcome to hell. It's not like the stereotypes or the movies, though. There's no fire or anything like that. Basically, the way it works I'll show you 3 rooms. After...

Seven ate six

After seven ate six, it thought to itself, "After I ate nine my mouth felt numb, but this time it's even number".

What fashionable shoes do ninjas wear to the anesthesiologist?

Numb Chucks.

What did the Cookie Monster say after eating all the anesthia at the dentist's office?

"NUMB NUM NUMB NUM NUMB NUM"

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The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

I used to have a job working for a anesthesiologist

I really hated that job, left me feeling numb

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I want sex that feels as good as taking a dump....

It last half an hour, my legs are numb, and I can still browse Reddit.

What do you call two quadriplegics that are both named Charles?

A pair of numb Chucks.

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Jon is having "stamina" trouble with his wife.

So one night, he asks his good friend Billy for advice.

"Billy, I just can't stay hard. I come too soon. I don't know what to do."

"Once you're hard, slam your dick on the dresser a few times. It'll be so numb, you won't feel a thing, and will go for hours!"

Jon gets hard just...

I had my first one night stand today.

My legs are starting to go numb. Does anyone have a chair for me to sit on?

Woah, Today My Head ‘Fell Asleep’ Like Your Arms & Legs Do Sometimes

It was mind numbing.

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

I gave my parrot Lidocaine....

The doctor says his days are numb bird.

If you are afraid of gaining weight

...then just take a shot of liquor before dinner.

Alcohol can easily numb your sense of fear.

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A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

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A man goes to a hypnotist.

“I want to forget my ex-wife”

The hypnotist is like “OK then. I’ll see what I can do”

Next day the man goes to a psychologist.

“I think I was abducted by aliens. I don’t remember anything but I feel humiliated and empty, my penis is all numb and I even think they took my money”

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

I once met an anesthesiologist for a brain surgeon.

They said the pay was great, but the work was mind numbing.

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What's the difference between a homeless man's testicle and a shot of lidocaine in the ass?

One is a bum nut and the other is a numb butt

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A woman goes to a plastic surgeon,

A woman goes to the plastic surgeon and she's very nervous. The surgeon says "Would you mind if I numb your breasts?" The woman meekly replies that that would be favourable.

Surgeon says "Numnumnumnum!"


- credit goes to Robin Williams in *Bicentennial Man*

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The Dental Appt.

>A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot."No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
>
>The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of ha...

What's the difference between PHP and PCP?

One makes you:

* feel numb
* see things that aren't there
* panicked and paranoid
* feel loss of control over your actions.


The other is a synthetic drug.

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It's Robyn's first time at the gyno....

She is terribly nervous and her doctor can tell right away. He introduces himself and mentions that he sees she is nervous. He then asks if she would like to be numbed down there to make it more comfortable for her.

She agrees to be numbed so he sticks his face in her pussy saying "num, num, ...

A conversation between a psychologist and an anaesthetist was described as .....

..... mind numbing.

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(NSFW) A woman goes to her gynecologist for an examination.

The gyn is examining her vagina and thinks to himself this is the most beautiful vagina he's ever seen.

He tells her he has to probe deeper and will need to numb her. She, of course, agrees.

He begins licking her vagina and says, "Num, num, num."

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A moth walks into a podiatriats office

The podiatrist says, "What seems to be the problem today?"

Moth says, "What seems to be the problem? Where do I begin?!

"I slave away all day at a job I hate and barely bring home enough to pay the bills. I'm going to have to get a second job just to keep the lights on. I don't even kn...

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A cheapskate walks into a dentist office.....

"What's the problem?" asks the dentist. "I got a bad tooth that needs to be pulled." replied the cheapskate. "Well for $200 I can put you under and pull the tooth, you won't feel a thing." says the dentist. "Nah, that's way to much money, what else you got?"
"Well for $150 I can give you a numbin...

A man and his wife walked quickly into a dentist's office.

A man and his wife walked quickly into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull t...

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A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time.

Her legs are up in the stirrups and she looks very nervous. The doctor says, "You look nervous. Would you like me to numb you down there before the exam?"

She's relieved and says "Yes, please."

The doc puts his head between her legs and goes num, num, num.

Me: Well i've never been able to call any place home

Me: Well i've never been able to call any place home.I guess it's just that i never really develop an emotional attachment to things.It's been a while since i felt anything but crushing numbness.We're all going to be dead so soon.

Interviewer: Sir i just asked where you live.

"What are you doing?" the patient asked his dentist...

...as he was about to numb him for the procedure. "Little prick with a needle," the dentist replied. The patient says, "No, I asked what you were doing, not who you were."

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A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is ...

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A woman meets her friend in heaven

She says Marge!! I didn't know you died! What Happened?"
"I froze to death"
"Oh my God! Was it horrible?"
"Not really I guess...I got real cold, got the shivers, then went numb. I just drifted off. But what about you? I didn't know you died"
"Yeah.crazy thing. I knew my husband was cheat...

A woman goes to the gynecologist for the first time...

She is extremely nervous waiting for her turn. The doctor asks her to come in to the consultation room and to lie down, but the woman is still trembling with fear. The doctor starts the consultation and notices that the woman is still very uncomfortable, so he stops for a bit and asks the lady, "If ...

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