A few puns make me numb

But math puns make me number

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of thesauruses crashed yesterday

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

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[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in.

Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day?

Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I t...

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A woman goes to church for confession...

A perfect 10/10, one of the most beautiful women in the world.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“What sins will you be confessing today, my child?”

“I cheated on my husband with another man.”

The priest, still a virgin at age 58, loses all sense of decency as an ide...

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A team of Nazi spies parachutes in Britain during WW2.

They're all well-trained, they know their mission, they have their legends. But when they're still above the ocean, suddenly a terrible thunderstorm hits them. The hurricane scatters them, some of them smash into the cliffs, others hit the waves and drown. Only one last spy, by sheer luck or miracle...

What fashionable shoes do ninjas wear to the anesthesiologist?

Numb Chucks.

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A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

What do you call a guy who sits on a block of dry ice?

Numb nuts.

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Two men waiting at the gates

“2 men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the 1st guy “
How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the 2nd man. "You get the shakes, and...

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American P. O. W

At the end of the cold war their was an American Prisoner Of War still being held at a Russian military camp, The Russian commander walks up to the American and says "Your in luck my American friend for the war has ended." I am a fair commander but you have killed several of my men, I will however g...

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Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women

Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is.
"Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says.
"Wow! And that works?" Mike asks.
"Every time" Dave replies. So later tha...

Reading all these jokes makes me go numb...

But reading mathematics-related jokes makes me go number

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A college professor noted that one of his students, Dave, started getting lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret. Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome op...

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A man is driving through the desert when suddenly his car breaks down

He has no idea how to fix it and is in the middle of nowhere. Under the scorching heat of the sun, hours pass by and his hopes start fading away.

All of a sudden, a grey horse appears from nowhere.

\- What's up, pal? says the horse. Can I help you?

The man is baffled. Where is ...

Erotica and then some

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
<...

One large woodland creature that can’t feel pain, four large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, three large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain, seven large woodland creatures that can’t feel pain.

I know there is a joke here somewhere, but it seems like just a bunch of random numb bears to me.

How long can you hold your breath for?

"Longer than you can last in bed!" my beautiful, blonde girlfriend proudly declared.

"You're on!" I replied.

That night we both plopped onto the bed and began screwing. My girlfriend closed her mouth and pinched her nose as she rode on top of me. Meanwhile, I tried thinking of the mo...

I gave my parrot Lidocaine....

The doctor says his days are numb bird.

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 A...

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

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A man goes to a hypnotist.

“I want to forget my ex-wife”

The hypnotist is like “OK then. I’ll see what I can do”

Next day the man goes to a psychologist.

“I think I was abducted by aliens. I don’t remember anything but I feel humiliated and empty, my penis is all numb and I even think they took my money”

I once met an anesthesiologist for a brain surgeon.

They said the pay was great, but the work was mind numbing.

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Voices

A man worked his whole adult life on an assembly line. Day in, day out, same boring thing. Then one day in the middle of his mind numbing shift he hears a little voice whisper: "*Quit your job, sell your house and belongings, take the money,go to Vegas."* He was startled, but shook it off and went...

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.

1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

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I want sex that feels as good as taking a dump....

It last half an hour, my legs are numb, and I can still browse Reddit.

A horse wanted to start a band.

It has always been a dream of his, the horse. He always fantasized about the day he’d sell out avenues with his talented bandmates. He thought to himself, “today, I will make my dream come true. No more waiting around.” Only problem is, he doesn’t know how to play any instrument, though he did have ...

There was boy named Billy and he wasn't very smart

He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.

One day Billy's mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete...

If you are afraid of gaining weight

...then just take a shot of liquor before dinner.

Alcohol can easily numb your sense of fear.

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I feel sorry for anus numbing cream.

It has to deal with sensitive arseholes all the time.

My first time...

He was much older than me, and very experienced it seemed.
I was afraid.
“Lie down”, he said, “and open up”.
I did what he said, even though I didn’t want to.
Then he put it in.
“Please, no!” I wanted to say, but couldn’t, cause suddenly he had his whole hand in my mouth.
It ...

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Here I sit broken hearted, came to shit...

... and started playing on my phone until my legs went numb.

What did the Cookie Monster say after eating all the anesthia at the dentist's office?

"NUMB NUM NUMB NUM NUMB NUM"

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

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A woman goes to a plastic surgeon,

A woman goes to the plastic surgeon and she's very nervous. The surgeon says "Would you mind if I numb your breasts?" The woman meekly replies that that would be favourable.

Surgeon says "Numnumnumnum!"


- credit goes to Robin Williams in *Bicentennial Man*

A man is tanning at a nudist beach...

And a young girl who was playing with the seagulls ran up to him. Pointing to his nether regions she asked what that was and why lots of the people have them. The man not wanting to explain the reproductive system to some little girl said that it is his pet bird, pointing to his genitalia he said th...

A mountain man went to the dentist.

The dentist said "You've got a really badly infected tooth that I'm going to have to pull. I'll give you a shot and when you're numb I'll pull the tooth."

The mountain man replied "Don't worry about the shot, I can take the pain. Just pull it outa there."

So the dentist dug and tugge...

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A man goes to the dentist...

A man went to the dentist to have a tooth extracted.
The dentist gets him seated and says " Ok, just a little novocaine and we can get started.
The man says " Oh doc, I'm not so great with needles, I can't do that..."
"Ok, how about a mask? Can I use that to put you under?"
"No D...

My kinda Dr.

a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she t...

A young teenaged girl has her first trip to the gynecologist...

She gets taken to the examination room and the nurse tells her to strip down, put the gown on, sit in the chair and put her legs in the stirrups. The girl is a bit overwhelmed, but she complies.

A few minutes later, the doctor comes in, takes a quick glance at the girl's chart and then sits d...

A conversation between a psychologist and an anaesthetist was described as .....

..... mind numbing.

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(NSFW) A woman goes to her gynecologist for an examination.

The gyn is examining her vagina and thinks to himself this is the most beautiful vagina he's ever seen.

He tells her he has to probe deeper and will need to numb her. She, of course, agrees.

He begins licking her vagina and says, "Num, num, num."

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What's the difference between a homeless man's testicle and a shot of lidocaine in the ass?

One is a bum nut and the other is a numb butt

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

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A woman meets her friend in heaven

She says Marge!! I didn't know you died! What Happened?"
"I froze to death"
"Oh my God! Was it horrible?"
"Not really I guess...I got real cold, got the shivers, then went numb. I just drifted off. But what about you? I didn't know you died"
"Yeah.crazy thing. I knew my husband was cheat...

A drunk man has a tooth ache...

...he goes to the local pub, and asks for a drink, saying that one of his tooth hurts, and wants to numb the pain.
After one drink, he tells the barman his tooth still hurts, and asks for another drink.
Then again, after his second drink, he continues to express his pain, so the barman serves...

What's the difference between PHP and PCP?

One makes you:

* feel numb
* see things that aren't there
* panicked and paranoid
* feel loss of control over your actions.


The other is a synthetic drug.

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"The Bar Challenge"

A man walks into a bar, there are several $100 bills taped to the cabinet. After a few drinks, he asks the bartender about the bills.

"Those? That's our Bar Challenge. You pony up $100, complete 3 tasks, and all the money is yours."

The man asks, "What are the 3 tasks?"

"Well...

So three men are stranded in the jungle...

A tribe of cannibals captures them. The chief says he will grant them one last thing before they are eaten. The first man asks for a woman to pleasure him. So the chief brings one of his daughters to pleasure the man. Then the tribe skins him, eats him, and uses his skin for a canoe. The second man ...

A gynecologist is preparing to leave for the day...

when his nurse stops him.

"Doctor, we just had a walk-in, would you mind seeing her?"

The doctor steps into the exam room to find the most staggeringly gorgeous woman he has ever seen. After staring for several seconds he collects himself and asks her to please lie back, saying, "Befor...

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A man goes to the dentist...

A man goes to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. As he's laying in the chair for the operation, the dentist pulls out a needle to numb him.

The man says, "No man, I deathly afraid of needles."

So the dentist pulls out the gas to put him under.

The man says, "please don't, I'm...

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A cheapskate walks into a dentist office.....

"What's the problem?" asks the dentist. "I got a bad tooth that needs to be pulled." replied the cheapskate. "Well for $200 I can put you under and pull the tooth, you won't feel a thing." says the dentist. "Nah, that's way to much money, what else you got?"
"Well for $150 I can give you a numbin...

"What are you doing?" the patient asked his dentist...

...as he was about to numb him for the procedure. "Little prick with a needle," the dentist replied. The patient says, "No, I asked what you were doing, not who you were."

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Two guys and a snake ....

This is a true story.
Two good friends, Jerry and Ralph, were out walking in the desert one day when Jerry goes off behind a cactus to take a leak. While he's draining his bladder a snake leaps up and bites him on the end of his dick. Ralph on hearing Jerry's scream runs over and says, "What ha...

What do you get if you put morphine on your toast?

Crumfortably Numb!

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It's Robyn's first time at the gyno....

She is terribly nervous and her doctor can tell right away. He introduces himself and mentions that he sees she is nervous. He then asks if she would like to be numbed down there to make it more comfortable for her.

She agrees to be numbed so he sticks his face in her pussy saying "num, num, ...

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