I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

My last few relationships have drained the life from me.

I'm something of a tick magnet.

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A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

Earth meets Water, and sees that he’s feeling a bit low, so he asks, “hey Water, why is your head in the sewer?” to which Water responds,

“I dunno, I guess I’m a wee bit drained”

About 6 months ago I got a promotion

So naturally I wanted to celebrate. On my way home I grabbed a handle of captain and a litre of cola. I invited my friend Frank to have a few drinks with me. We ordered a pizza, played some Mariokart, got drunk and passed out. Nothing crazy.

The next morning Frank was still there (he usually ...

A barbarian warrior is captured by the enemy

He was taken before the leader, and told that he had one opportunity for life: he must survive four trials by ordeal.

The first was to walk barefoot across a trench filled with hot coals.

The second, to drink a full quart of the most powerful spirit.

Third, he had to enter a ca...

Bad tooth NSFW

[Warning: NSFW content, long story]

A man walks into a new bar his friends told him about and they decided to check out together. He goes up to the bartender to give a description of his friends and ask him if he's seen them, but before he gets the question off he sees his friends on the far ...

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The old farmer and his dear friend went to the market.

The market was full of various stalls stocked with agricultural goods & wares. Whilst browsing the plentiful market the old farmer couldn’t help but notice a busty blonde lady and he stared at her longingly.

“Corrr!” Whispered the old farmer to his pal. “I’ll pay a pretty penny to get me...

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min ...

Dracula checks into a hotel in New York City, calls rooms service and asks for an Italian busboy to bring him a pizza. The busboy arrives, Dracula bites him in the neck, sucks every last drop of blood out of him and throws him out of the window...

The corpse of the busboy hits a homeless guy, who is sleeping in the alley below.

When Dracula does this two more times, the man finally gets fed up, goes to the police and when they ask him what his complaint is, he screams, "Drained wops keep falling on my head!"

Turns out Trump just got confused

He made the swamp great again and drained America.

Dracula checked into a hotel, called room service, and ordered an Italian.

A strange order, but room service sent up an Italian waiter. When he got to the room, Dracula jumped him, drank all his blood, and threw the body out the window. The body fell on a drunk on the sidewalk below who just sat there, staring at it, then resumed his drinking.

A little while lat...

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sheep problem

A farmer wonders why his sheep aren’t reproducing.

He visits a Veterinary who says every morning the farmer must pile the sheep into his truck, take them to the top of the local mountain and fuck each one. The Vet says to check on the sheep the next morning and if they’re lying in the tree sh...

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

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The story of a man and his pregnant wife

My wife is prego, but we like to get kinky anyway. One night things begin to get particularly saucy - I'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights. It's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period, I look up at her glassy, jarred facial expres...

Terrible Math Joke

A plane takes off from Warsaw about midday with a full passenger load. Before take-off, the pilot himself had run through all of the safety and pre-flight checks and everything had fit the bill, so he felt pretty confident about this flight. The weather was perfect, the passengers were happy, but af...

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Dracula in Italy

Count Dracula, fed up with the miserable weather in Transylvania, decides to take a holiday, so he packs up his coffin and capes and heads to Rome for a long weekend.
Upon arriving at his hotel the concierge greets him and asks if has a reservation.
"Yessss," replies the Count. "I am Dracula,...

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The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

Why's the sink depressed?

It's been feeling drained

An Engineer goes to heaven

An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter. "Welcome to Heaven. Come right in. We can always use another engineer".

But the engineer does his due diligence and asks to see both Heaven and Hell before deciding where he wants to spend eternity. Heaven is n...

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

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The new pope visits a small church.

Upon hearing the news that the new pope would be visiting his small parish Father O'Leary decided to something special for the dinner. The morning of Pope Francis' arrival he went down to the docks and found a young member of his congregation and said, "I would like to help honor the new pope by con...

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The doctor is sat in his office one day & asks the nurse/secretary to send in the next patient.....

.........In walks Mr. Jones, closes the door behind him, sits down & the doctor immediately notices that he looks totally physically drained & hasn't had a decent nights sleep for weeks......

"Ok, so how can I help you Mr. Jones?"

"Well, it's like this doc, I have a hyperactive...

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Calling In Sick

Today I called in to work, "Hi, I'm not feeling well today, fatigued, drained, tired, stressed. I'll be staying in bed, so I won't be coming to work today"

The boss says, "You know, I really need you here today, extra work came in today. When I feel overworked, I go to my wife and we have wil...

My wife was looking tired after giving blood

I asked if she felt drained...

Two vampires go on vacation

I read [this vampire joke](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2qph5b/one_of_the_funniest_vampire_jokes/) and it reminded me of one I heard many years ago.

---

Two vampires were out for a stroll in Transylvania.

"You know, I have been getting sick of eating the same thing ev...

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A South African, an Australian and an Englishman are all having a drink

The Englishman and South African both drink from Pint Glasses, the Australian from a bottle.

The South African, upon draining his glass, drops in back down on the bar, pulls out a pistol, and shoots the glass.

"In South Africa, there is so much sand that I never drink from the same gla...

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A group of tourists are backpacking around Scotland...

They stop in a small town to rest for the day and find the local pub. They are all students of history so they ask the bartender about the history of the town.

"Oh, ye'll be wantin' teh speak teh Ol' Angus in the corner," the barkeep says. "He practically built the whole village himself!"
...

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