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Autopsy Jokes

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

The autopsy report came back from the inmate who hung himself in his cell

He had the Epstein-behindBarrs virus

What's an autopsy?

It's the only medical procedure where the patient has a 100% chance of not dying.

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

I was out for a quick ride when a large bird of prey dropped dead right in front of me, throwing me clear off my bicycle.

Shocked, confused, and a little banged up, I decided to take the dead raptor to a vet. Autopsy revealed it had suffered from a myocardial infarction likely caused by severe hypertension.

As the vet put it, I’d fallen victim to an ill eagle arrest.

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Did you hear about the guy that died aftet masturbating?

The autopsy said he died from a stroke...

[At an autopsy] Doctor 1: You know, I have been practicing my ventriloquism.

Doctor 2: Now is definitely not a good time.

Corpse: Aw, come on!

Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...

One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"

The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".

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A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking...

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

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Autopsy Professor

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.
Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics.

First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus ...

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My wife hates me for having sex with her sister

I got home the other day from work and my wife says "you fucking son of a bitch" and asked what I had done.

Wife: You had sex with my sister you asshole!

Me: Look honey I got into my office in work and there she was lying naked on the table, what should I have done?

Wife: The a...

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Whats the first thing you do after sex?

Finish the autopsy while reminding myself that one moment of weakness does not make me a bad vet.

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Dr. Watson is performing an autopsy. Holmes ask if he’s found the cause of death.

Watson: It would appear the decedent had a bowel obstruction. It caused a rupture in the intestinal wall, creating a septic condition and ultimately, death.

Holmes: Wait, John, are you saying he died of...

Watson: No Shit, Sherlock.

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During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

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My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"

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There were two pathologists performing an autopsy

The first one said "You shoulda seen the old granny we got in last night, she was nearly 80 and had a cunt like a pickle"

The other one then said "Wow, did it really look like a pickle?"

"No, but it sure tasted like one"

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A young apprentice flukes his exams and gets to do his first autopsy.

He walks to his supervisor. "er, excuse me.."
"What is it ?"
"Umm, it's Mrs Pratt, there's something wrong.."
"Well come on man, spit it out"
"There's a um, a b-big shrimp stuck in her er, vagina"
His supervisor turns around and stares at him.
"um, a a, s-super shrimp, r-right in t...

We were about to observe our first autopsy in medical school, and my friend asked me, “What do you think it’ll be like?”

I said, “Remains to be seen.”

Attorney General Barr released a summary of Jeffrey Epstein's autopsy findings...

They found no evidence of contusion.

Autopsy shows Michael Jackson died from food poisoning....

they found a 12 year old wiener stuck in his throat.

What did the lead coroner do when he and the other coroners were asked to perform an autopsy?

He cracked open a cold one with the boys.

Conversation with a twist…

— How dare you sleep with her?!
—> She was naked! What else was I supposed to do?!
— The autopsy!
—> Don’t tell me what to do!
— You are the worst vet!

A barrister questions the coroner during a trial

Barrister: So Mr Tolbol was dead prior to the commencement of the autopsy?

Coroner: Very much so.

Barrister: How did you know he was dead?

Coroner: His brain was in a jar on another table.

Barrister: Okay, but even with the brain removed, was it possible he could still be...

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

Man: Doctor, is it serious?!

Doctor: Oh my God, stop the autopsy!!

A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...

The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.

She was lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?

The AUTOPSY. The goddam AUTOPSY.

A hypochondriac goes to his doctor

Hypochondriac: Doctor, I have no idea what’s wrong with me but I’m in pain everywhere on my body. My stomach hurts. My bones and joints hurt. I’m always nauseous. I always have a splitting headache. I’ve come to you for years and you keep telling me there’s nothing wrong but I FEEL like there is som...

A man was found dead in his apartment. His friends claimed he died because he bet that he could eat $500

The autopsy concludes that, indeed, he put his money where his mouth was

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A man is caught naked at work by his co-worker.

"I can't believe this! Are you having sex with her?", his coworker exclaimed.


"She was just lying there naked. What was I supposed to do?", the man replied.


"The autopsy, you fucking moron!"


"Hey - don't tell me how to do my job!"


"You are the worst vet I'...

Two men are talking to each other

M1: I can not believe you slept with her!

M2:What was I supposed to do she was just laying there naked!

M1:The autopsy!!!

M2:Ohh

M1:You are the worst vet I know

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My coworkers are mad that I had sex with the naked girl I found in my office.

Apparently I "should've just performed the autopsy."

Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer

...her autopsy results revealed.

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A coroner comes home from work and sets his lunchbox down, laughing to himself...

"Wow!" he tells his wife. "You should have seen this autopsy I did today! The guy must have had a schlong at least 11 inches long and fat as a beer can! I've never seen anything so..."

He trails off as his wife bursts out sobbing. "Oh no!" she says. "Fred's dead!"

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

Coroner's Report

Coroner: Report complete.


Police: What was the cause of death?


Coroner: The cause of death was that I sliced him open and performed an autopsy.

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Anatomy class...

A anatomy teacher teaches his students during an autopsy... he says:

“There are two main traits, a good surgeon must have... first is, nothing can disgust him!”

He proceeds to stick his finger in the corpses asshole, pulls it out and sucks on it... Half the students start throwing up....

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How I lost my job

Boss “Why the fuck did you sleep with her”

Me “Well she was just lying there naked, what was I supposed to do?”

Boss “A fucking autopsy”

Me “Oh right”

Boss “You are never welcome in this fucking vet again!”

Me “oh fuck you”

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So there's a serial killer on the loose...

There's a serial killer on the loose in a pretty big city in Southern California. This killer has been at large for some time and has a particularity sadistic method of murdering his victims, he kills them by making thousands of tiny cuts all over their bodies until they pass out from pain and die o...

Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun...

... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy

The man who invented the Kinder Surprise had died.

The pathologist who does his autopsy is in for a treat.

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A man comes home from work and his wife is very angry.

His wife says, "YOU SLEPT WITH MY SISTER!?!"

The man says, "Well she was sitting there, nude, lying down, so I thought it would ok and fine."

The wife then says "You were supposed to be doing an autopsy."

I once worked in a pathology lab...

...but I was asked to leave after one of my reports said "cause of death: autopsy:"

I found out I'm a necrophiliac.

How, you ask? I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff.

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A teacher and his students are in the Anatomy class.

It's the first class of the semester, and everyone is eager to learn.

The professor starts "The first thing one has to do to become a good doctor is to be a good observant. The second one is to never, ever feel disgusted by anything."

After this observation, the teacher leads the stud...

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A field guide to corpses

there was a professor at a school that taught morticians how to do their thing during an autopsy. The professor had a pretty slack bunch of students this time and decided to give them a test while they were around the corpse they had to practice on. he told them that to tell in the field how long a ...

The Police are looking into George Michaels' death.

When the press asked if an autopsy would be performed, the coroner was quoted as saying: "Well I guess it would be nice, if I could touch his body."

A patient complained to his doctor...

"I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then you'll see that I was right."

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The coroner's first day

Jack gets a job as a coroner in his local precinct, assisting the head coroner.


He starts prepping his first subject for autopsy, when he notices a cork in the corpse's behind. Putting on his gloves and grabbing an evidence bag, he slowly removes the cork and suddenly a song starts bursti...

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Morgue Joke

So this elderly coroner and his new assistant are in the morgue when a body comes in. The coroner turns to his assistant and asks. "Are you ready, son?"

"Absolutely!" Says the assistant.

The doctor uncovers the body and the first thing the assistant notices is it's huge penis, the bigg...

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Bubba and his two assholes

Bubba dies in a fiery car crash. His body is taken to the morgue to have an autopsy. The mortician asks his two friend to come to the morgue. He asks his first friend to come in and identify the body. His first friend asks the mortician to turn the body over and spread his butt cheeks. "No that is n...

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day...

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Sex with your friends wife

A man walks up to his friend as says "Hey man, why did you have sex with my wife?" His friend replies "Well, I walked into my office, and she was laying on the table,naked, lookin' hot as hell... what did you expect me to do?"
"Ughh, I don't know, maybe the autopsy?!"

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The Girlfriend Joke

Now, I need to caveat the beginning of this joke with some information. I'm a solid six-outta-ten, a real average looking guy. Never been too smooth wirth the ladies but whaddaya do, never been lonely neither.
So, one day I come home from work, I live in a little apartment complex, and I see acro...

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A valuable life lesson.

So, be me. A cowardly 6/10. Move into a new neighborhood and have 1+1-2=0 friends. Mowing the lawn when a dog runs up to me. Girl comes after dog, easily a 9/10. Help her get her dog back, introduce myself. Become good friends. Begin dating.

New girl moves in, around a 7/10. Introduce self to...

The love story of 6 and 9

Sit children, and let me tell you the tale of a guy who was caught in a predicament.

One day a guy was mowing his lawn. He was about a 6, so let's call him that. 6 was mowing his lawn until a dog came running down the street. 6 chased the dog until he caught him. He turned around and saw that...

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