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Have you ever seen a man who was murdered by a jigsaw?

They always look puzzled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a guy gets murdered during sex?

Die Hard

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

Do you know why the clam murdered the oyster?

Shellfish reasons

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

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An Older woman got pulled over for speeding:

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for ...

Celebrity Murder

Dwayne Johnson was murdered in a hotel room he was staying at. Police were called as soon as the body was discovered, and they did some investigating.

An officer knocked on the door of someone living one floor down. He asked the man who answered if he heard anything unusual above him, but he ...

All of the staff at the CoCo pops factory were murdered last night

They say it was the work of a Cereal Killer.

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

Recently a man murdered his wife of 40 years by poisoning a glass of orange juice.

I guess its, not the first time OJ has killed a woman.

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

A priest had 3 people at confession

He went to Guy 1 and asked: **“What sin did you commit?’**

Guy 1 responded: **“I murdered someone.”**

The priest responded **“Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”**

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked: **“What sin did you commit?’**
<...

What did the scared cow say before being murdered?

**This is terror bull**

Police raided a tautology club.

They found a fatally murdered body of a dead corpse.

messed up movie

Me:Dude,you should see the movie i watched yesterday.It is messed up.


Friend:Well whats it about?


Me:Its about a guy whose wife is brutally murdered,leaving his son physically disabled and in a twisted turn of events his son gets kidnapped and he has to find his sons kidnap...

My mom had two conjoined sisters and both of their names were Andra. When they were murdered, I gave up joking.

And mourned my double entendres.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

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Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

A man hires a dyslexic hitman and comes home to find his tabby, Mittens, murdered.

Understandably upset he calls the hitman to find out what happened.


“What the hell did I pay you for? My wife is still here and now our little pet is dead. Did you even read my instructions?”


“What are you talking about I did exactly as…Ohhhhh. I thought you wanted me to off t...

The men who murdered Jesus

They never crossed a man they didn't want to kill.

There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

I reached into the washing machine to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered.

It was a casual T.

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it’s starting to become a domino effect.

What do you call it when a business man gets murdered by luggage

A suitcase

What do you call a fish that murdered someone?

Gill-ty

Captain Crunch, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and the Lucky Charms Elf were all murdered last night...

It seems it might have been a cerial killer

My parents were murdered

And the detective was a duck
Luckily he quacked the case in the end

Maurice and Sadie were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary by having a meal at a restaurant with their friends.

Maurice looked unhappy, so his best friend Michael, a solicitor, asked him what was wrong.

"Do you remember on our fifth anniversary I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?"

"Yes," answered Michael, "I said you would get twenty years in jail."

"Well," said Maurice, "I...

A cartoonist was murdered in his apartment last night.

The details are sketchy.

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