This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

Headline: Dead Cat Discovered on Mars

Looks like Curiosity kiiled the cat.

Where does a dead cat go?

Purr-gatory.

What do you call a bunch of dead cats on the side of the road?

Litter.

How do you make a dead cat float?

Use one can of root beer and two scoops of dead cat.

What do you call it when your doctor tells you to take your dead cat to a Taxidermist

a refurral.

What’s the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead cat on the street?

There were skidmarks in front of the cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a

car...



... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heise...

I have the reflexes of a cat

Before you comment, please remember, a dead cat is still technically a cat!

Laws of physics vs the law

Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the t...

Schroedinger is driving along in his car...

...When he is suddenly pulled over by the police whereupon they ask him to open his trunk.

The cop comes to the drivers side

Cop:”Sir where you aware there is a dead cat in your trunk?”

Schroedinger: “Well he certainly is now!”

No Pleasing Women

My girlfriend's cat died, so I got her one just like it. Now she's locked me out of the house and is yelling "What am I supposed to do with two dead cats?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The kindergartener who pissed in a cats ear

This little kindergartener runs into school and yells “Miss! Miss! There’s a dead cat outside!”
And she goes “well how do you know it’s dead?”
And he goes “well I pissed in it’s ear and it didn’t move so it must be dead.”
And she goes into shock, “Oh my god! You did what? You pissed in the ...

Dead Cat

A rich businessman goes on holiday .While he is away his butler sends him a message saying “Cats dead”.

Distraught at the death of his beloved pet the man returns home and berates the butler for being so callous.

“You should break bad news gently” says the businessman .“If I had been ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend was grieving the loss of her pet cat so I decided to give her a cat exactly the same as hers

Instead of thanking me, she just screamed in my face “what the fuck am i supposed to do with 2 dead cats!?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Tale of a Mental Ward

A sadist, zoophile, murderer, necrophile, pyromaniac, and masochist are in a mental ward together, talking to each other in order.

"I know what we should do, let's torture a cat!" said the sadist.

"After torturing the cat, let's fuck it!" said the zoophile.

"Torture it, fuck it,...

A little girl's cat died.

A little girl's cat died. She loved the cat very much, and so when it died, she was devastated beyond belief. Her mother and her take the cat to the backyard so they could have a funeral for it. The little girl is in tears as they bury her cat.



"Don't worry, sweetie," says the mom in...

Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway

maybe going to a seminar, when they get pulled over by the CHP. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look"...

I have views on my hot neighbour but she’s a cat person.

And this morning, my dog came with the cat in its mouth, dead of course.
I was horrified and realised I had to fix this if I ever want to hit her.
So I went to all the kennels in the shire to find the exact same cat.
Finally found it and put the dead cat’s collar on it. Send it back ...

My little sister's cat died...

...she cried telling me she needs another identical one. I got her one today, but i don't know why she needs another dead cat.

There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........

when one says to the other. "Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"

The second guy says "No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty." So his buddy says "Suit yourself." And goes to town eatin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke I'm sure you've heard it before.

So Heisenberg, Schrodinger, and Ohm are in a car driving down the freeway when a cop pulls them over. The cop comes to the window and asks,

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No but I know exactly where I am."

"You were doing 120mph in a 60mph zone!" Say...

Schrödinger is in a car...

...and gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop, after writing a ticket, notices a peculiar smell and asks to check for the source. After looking under the car, glancing over at the backseat and popping the trunk, he rushes over.
Cop: "Sir! Did you know you have a dead cat in your trunk?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Descartes are driving, and get pulled over.

Heisenberg is in the driver's seat, the officer asks "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Roy Rogers and the mountain lion

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight wh...

Schrödinger gets pulled over by a cop...

When the officer walks up to the window and asks Schrödinger for his license and registration, the psychologist seems to be a little off. Not sure if Schrödinger is drunk and/or on drugs, the officer asks him to step out of the car so he can perform a sobriety test. Schrödinger passes with flying co...

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving down the highway...

After they pass mile marker 16, a state trooper pulls them over for speeding. The trooper goes up to the window and sees Heisenberg behind the wheel.

Trooper: "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going when you passed that mile marker?"
Heisenberg: "Well I certainly don't know now ...

A cop pulls Schrodinger over off of the highway...

... The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks up to Schrodinger's car. He says to Schrodinger, "Hey, don't you work at the university around here?" Schrodinger replies "why, yes." The cop asks Schrodinger "I know the university is pretty rowdy and likes to party. Do you mind if I look around your ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian fresh off the boat walks into a Bar

He is carrying a bucket of shit,a dead cat and he has a pistol in his waist.He walks up to the bar and takes a seat.with a thick Russian accent he says to the Bartender " Give me a beer".the bartender does.The Russian slammed the beer back,than he pulls the pistol and puts one round into the bucket ...

One fine day, in the middle of the night...

*This is a humours verse I've known since I was a kid. I don't know where it came from, and my googling has failed me. If anyone else knows the origin, that would be great!*

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

Two dead men, got up to fight,

One lame man, rang up to call an...

I woke up today and I thought, today I would tell my colleagues a joke

about schrodinger's dead cat.

Then I thought maybe, I will tell a joke about schrodinger's alive cat.

So I decided not to go to office today.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.