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Dead Person Jokes

Every dead person on the Everest used to be a highly motivated person,

But, they weren't able to just get a bit higher.

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

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What’s the worst thing about having sex with a dead person?......

Getting caught

What did the dead person say the skeleton...

"You're a numbskull."

What do you call a letter from a dead person?

A diagram.

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What do a dead person and a boat have in common?

The wake comes after they pass.

Happened IRL We were at the cemetery. Talking about a dead person who got cremated. My dad said: I don't want to hear about you doing this to me!

I answered: You won't...

I've always wanted to be the best dead person ever

But the competition is stiff.

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

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An avid golfer

A guy played golf every Saturday for 45 years. His goal was to break par. He came close a few times but never even got to par let alone under par.

One Saturday he was in the zone. At the 18th joke he’s even par. The 18th is a par 5 all he needs is a birdie. He hits his tee shot right down th...

A man is mortally wounded on a plane

The flight attendant asks "Is there a doctor on this plane?"

A woman nods and follows the flight attendant. She quickly announces the man is dead.

My dad whispers to me "That should have been you"

I tell my dad that I am a doctor of philosophy, not medicine

My dad respon...

What does a pirate and a necrophiliac have in common?

They both want to get their hands on a dead person’s booty

I Currently Teach a Class about Suicide

First Semester has been good so far, I Single Handedly Prevented the entire class from having suicidal thoughts or actually going through with it.

I Promised the class that I would do a suicide demonstration to show the perspective of a dead person. Ill be posting my experience in a few minut...

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(NSFW) Sex and feelings

A man was brought before a Judge and was charged with NECROPHILIA.(having sex with a dead person). The Judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"...

What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?

The coffin has the dead person on the inside.



(Disclaimer: I'm a violist. Fellow bratsche players, please don't take offense.)

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Old man is lying on his deathbed

He has 3 daughters that all are married. He tells them to call their husbands because he has last wish and he needs them.

When they come, he speaks to them: "It is a long time tradition in this family to put $1000 in a coffin of a dead person, because that grants him good life in another wor...

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A field guide to corpses

there was a professor at a school that taught morticians how to do their thing during an autopsy. The professor had a pretty slack bunch of students this time and decided to give them a test while they were around the corpse they had to practice on. he told them that to tell in the field how long a ...

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