What's E.T. short for?

He's only got little legs

Why are short people always sad?

They cant reach happiness

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

I love short people

They are the most down to earth human beings

What do you call a mom who is short?

A mini-mum

I'm starting a charity to teach short people maths

It's called, "Making the little things count"

I used to hate how short my new haircut was.

But then it grew on me.

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

When a short person waves at you...

It’s a microwave.

Why do short girls roll their eyes when someone makes fun of them?

They don't. That's just them trying to look up to see who's talking about them.

Elon Musk is reported to have written a short joke on his Crew Dragon rocket

I guess the real joke will be in the comets.

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

What do you call a physicist who's really short?

A micro Newton.

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

After a short eternity of waiting for the couple to finally leave the last parking place, I was getting annoyed.

While I was about to start honking my horn and using my best vocabulary, my friend beside me was cool as a cucumber. After another five minutes of waiting, I just had to ask why the normally hot tempered man was so calm.

"It's simple. I'm assuming they are Catholic and just don't have any e...

Your essays should be like a girls skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

Wanna hear two short jokes and a long one?

Joke. Joke.



OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Listen, because I won't tell you again - I'm suffering from short-term memory loss.

Ah, and one more thing - I'm suffering from short term memory loss.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Short Story

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.

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Here’s a short, funny story:

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese,...

Does length matter? Short answer: no.

Long answer: yes.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

Short snake

The short snake is late . When will he arrive, I do not know, but he won't be long.

If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?

"friends"

Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?”

He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly”

Scientists found the most short-living things...

...when they checked my reddit post history

I have plans to start a business reading poetry and short stories to the imprisoned

I call it Prose and Cons

I met a short guy today

He was really down-to-earth.

Stupid joke in description, too short to split into title and desc

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

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A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick,

but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…

Mostly because his name is Steve…

What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, because they're not a full ese yet

I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth

He asked me, what’s Beth short for?
I thought it was really rude, she’s only three

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TP is currently in short supply, and I just squandered 3 squares

on a ghost shit.
Thanks for nothing, asshole.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

Due to COVID concerns, short-lived games of Major League Baseball spring training were cancelled...

right off the bat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

A short survey

When the quarantine ends you will:

A) gain 20 kg

B) become pregnant

C) become an alcoholic

I just started a short book on the history of luminance.

It's a little light reading.

What do you call a very short, inner-city man who accurately keeps time?

a metro-gnome

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

Gotta hand it to babies...

...because their short, stupid little arms can't reach anything

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, no head, and no torso? (Sorry if it's short.)

*Dick*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.

After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.

"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.

The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.

Kim stares at him. The ducks start ...

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will ...

I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and i asked him "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No I'm German, how did you know my name was Walter?"

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Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contest in a girl's college: Write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a girl named Virginia. They called her virgin for short...

But not for long!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

No matter how much you ask, I can't give you a guy in green shorts and a floppy hat

This sub doesn't allow for posting Links.

What did the circuit say when it short-circuited?

I couldn’t resist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter and her boyfriend went to their room

Shortly after I heard "Baby baby oh! And I rushed towards the room. Thank god I said to myself as they were just having sex and not listening to Justin Beiber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shortness

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

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Before it starts

After dinner an old man sat down in front of the tv and yells to his wife "hey can you bring me a beer before it starts?"

The wife dutifully brings him a beer. In a short time the man has finished the drink and promptly yells "bring me another beer before it starts"

The wife brings hi...

A musician sees a pile of short cats

He says: "Hey, a staccato!"

Some think T. rex’s never clap because their arms are so short.

I think it’s because they’re extinct.

A sinful engineer dies and goes to hell

The first thing he notices is how hot it is, so he builds an air conditioner. He then proceeded to build more and more over time and thanks to this engineer, Hell is completely air conditioned and has a booming economy in a few years. One day, God decides to check on Hell and is baffled at how much ...

Nightie night!!

A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw i...

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

Why won't I go short of toasted sandwiches in hell?

Because Beelzebub has a Breville put aside for me

It's Thanksgiving today. Long story short it's where Americans give thanks to the English for inventing them.

You're welcome.

A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God

Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment.


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his w...

A group of blonde girls overhear a guy saying that all blondes are dumb

So one of the girls says: "no we're not, we'll prove it!"

The guy: "Ok what's 3 + 2?"

One of the blondes: "7"

After a short silence the rest of the blondes start asking for a second chance.

The guy: "ok you get a second chance, what's 2+4?"

One of the blondes: "6"<...

A man was walking with his three year old daughter.

As they were walking, the man bumped into one of his high school friends.

'I've not seen you in ages! And this is my daughter Beth!'

"And what's Beth short for?'

'She's only three.'

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumcisionist?

He got the sack.

To make a long story short,

Summarize.

Trump's is short, and Arnold Schwarzenegger's is long; Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope is not supposed to use his. Of course I'm talking about...

... their last name.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A short love story

A man and women who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and
fell asleep quickly, he in the up...

I asked my friend if he knew why Life was short.

He said "Probably genetics; both of his parents are dwarfs."

Kevin Hart is so short...

He goes up on his wife!

I like daggers

They're short and straight to the point

A farmer had three sons.

One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'l...

I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.

"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

(Short dad joke)

A study shows that 5/4 people admit their bad at fractions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend got a butt implant...

Shortly after the operation, she starting getting calls from all these modeling agencies and she was even featured in the new Drake music video that aired on MTV.


I called her to say congratulations, and she asked me how I found out...


I just s...

Some people didn’t remember the plot of the short story The Lottery (By Shirley Jackson)

But when they did, it hit them like a rock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE GIFT

*trust me its too long to be worth reading.*

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

A cowboy gets captured by Indians...

So a cowboy gets captured by indians. The indian chief comes up to him and says "ok, we're going to kill you, but I'll grant you three request before we do". The cowboy says "ok, first I'd like to talk to my horse. The chief thinks this is weird but says yes.

The cowboy whispers in his hors...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding ...

A blonde in a short skirt is going up a flight of stairs

Behind her a man leans in to look under her skirt and smiles.

Outraged, the blonde yells "You sir, are no gentleman!"

Calmly, the man answers " And you madam, are not a blonde."

What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.




I’ll let myself out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE BLONDE COWBOY

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
Cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun,
And his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like
This?'

T...

What did the farmer say when he was invited on a short-notice trip?

Alpaca bag

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

The CEO and the Envelopes

A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new CEO wa...

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizoph...

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

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