The 100+ Best Short Jokes

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?

If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi is short for Obi-Wan, what is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.

You gotta hand it to short people.

Because they can't reach it on their own.

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The wife came up with this: what's short, bald and tries to enter places it doesn't belong?

Yeah, I know, I went with my dick first too, but apparently this was just another Putin joke.

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

T-shirt is actually short for "tyrannosaurus shirt"

Because of the short arms.

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.

We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet".
I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"

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A man on a train is sitting across a gorgeous young lady, with tight short skirt on (NSFW)

She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully apologizes, and promises that it will not happen again.
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The man w...

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"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely" I said.

Why is "Dick" short for Richard?

Genetics

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

Two women are chatting at work [short joke]

Two women are chatting at work.

The first woman says, “my husband surprised me with flowers last night. You know what that means, I’m going to have to spend the entire weekend with my legs in the air….”

Her coworker replies, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”

What happened to the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

A joke as told by my grandpa, circa 1985. He was about 75 at the time and his dad taught this to him: Two brick layers were building a wall when they came up a brick short

Get it? A brick short!

Ok ok, most people don't get that joke. Here's a bonus joke:

A man and woman are sitting on a trolley car, she has an annoying yappy dog and he's smoking a cigar.

"Can you put out that nasty cigar?!"

"Can you make that rat shut up?"

The old ...

A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...

I was going to short the stock of OceanGate .

Too late now, it couldn’t get any lower.

Dave Grohl’s kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we’re one short.

Dave Grohl: I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!

The amount of short people with anger issues has always striken me as weird

Specially considering that they are the ones that should be more down to earth

I was doing a study on whether women are open to dating short guys

The 2 most common resposes were

1. Who are you
2. How did you get in my house

How many people with short-term memory loss does it take to...

I'm sorry, where was I?

After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.

I said "well that's a little ex stream"

"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

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...short story..

Last night I was watching an old Stalone / Banderas / Moore movie - Assassins, where Julianne Moore is telling a nice and old story that is worth following...

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so c...

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

As a general rule, I never make fun of short people.

They have it hard enough putting food on the table.

"Hey, aren't you a poetic metric characterized by a short syllable followed by a long, stressed syllable?"

"iamb"

Men call short women "petite". What do women call short men?

Um, yeh, they don't call.

Source: I'm not a tall man.

Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.

He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

What do short people hate drinking?

Top-shelf liquor.

It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....

It’s night.

Have you every heard the battle cry of a Klingon short order cook?

Perhaps today is a good day to fry!

Paddy and Mick take a short cut home across a farmers field

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"

Shortly after creating them, God is introducing Adam and Eve to The Garden.

"These are the trees and bushes that bear fruit for you to eat. These are the bodies of water, for you to drink from. These are the animals, for you to name. And this is the forbidden fruit, which you must never eat."

"And what's that?" says Eve, pointing to something on her left.

"Oh ...

My friend is called Art so i asked his father what is Art short for?

His dad said it's because he has little legs

A wife waits outside the doctors office while her husband is in there with him. After a short time, he comes out, crying....

Wife - "Honey, what's wrong?"

Husband - "The doc told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life!"

Wife - "Well, that's not so bad, I thought it was something much worse!"

Husband - "He only gave me three of them...."

The new Australian short-sleeved, marsupial shirts are REALLY good! In fact, you could say they have a high level of…..

Koala-t

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A short one

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

A man is standing in his front yard, drinking a beer in his boxer shorts…

His wife is mowing the lawn while he stands there doing nothing. The neighbor catches a sight of this and yells out, “you’re standing there drinking a beer while your wife mows the lawn?! You should be hung!!”
The man hollers back, “I Am!”

Did you know that the U.S. Constitution protects the right to wear a short-sleeved shirt?

It says "the right to bare arms shall not be infringed."

(credit to my dad for this one)

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

Another short joke from Sunny

Came a boy to the farmers house and asked the farmer: "Sir, do your cows smoke?"The farmer replyed: "no usually they dont" Then the boy scratched his nose and said: "well i guess your barn is on fire then"

A short, but funny one

A 103 year old man lay dying in his hospital bed and asks his wife “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?

His wife crying uncontrollably answers “Yes”

He asks “Whose is it?”

His wife replies “Yours”

A. Schwarzenegger has it long, Brad Pitt short, Madonna does not have it and the Pope does not use it. What is it?

A surname.

What do you call a convention of short Irishmen with leprosy?

Lepercon

A friend of mine worked at a production line for a toy factory, producing Dracula dolls. Shortly before Halloween, demand was high, but he only had one colleague.

So he had to make every second Count.

I'm starting a business to teach short people maths.

It's called, "Making The Little Things Count."

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I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle...

...here is my... other handle? *HOLY SHIT*, I'M A SUGAR BOWL!

A plane is sitting at the terminal and is supposed to leave shortly

Departure seems to be taking ages, and the passengers are growing restless. Eventually a staff member says on the PA system:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay to your journey today. During preflight checks the pilot wasn't happy with the noise coming from the left engine, so w...

What do you call a short person waving at you?

Microwave

What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?

Sparky

what do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants

As a girl, I really enjoy having my hair short.

Because now the only thing I can let down is my parents.

Arnold's got a long one, Brad's got a short one, and the Pope doesn't use his...

I'm talking about their last names, you pervert!

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What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

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(Short) Dirty Joke

Police have issued a city-wide statement:

"Approximately an hour ago two thieves ran off with multiple pounds of Viagra"

They say to keep an eye out for two hardened criminals...

An elderly couple see a doctor about how to deal with their short term memory loss.

The doctor says to help them remember certain things they should write it down on a piece of paper. One night the couple is watching TV, when the husband starts walking to the kitchen. His wife asks "Can you bring me some strawberries?"

"Sure."

"Aren't you going to write it down so you...

What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, cuz he's not quite an ese

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all it takes is one short space...

And the therapist has become the rapist.

What is long, hard, and thick when it goes in but short, soft, and thin when it comes out?

Bubble gum.

Why is Martin Short?

So he can lick Steve Martin’s tall boy without bending over.

Now that there are YouTube shorts does that make all the other videos longs?

Or Pants?

A guy approaches a beautiful young woman in a short dress at the jukebox.

“Wow. Great thong.”

She pours her drink on him and walks away.

“I’m thorry, was it thomething I thaid??!!”

Short lawyer jokes

Why wouldn't a snake bite a lawyer?

\- Professional code of ethics

When do you know a lawyer is lying?

\- When the lawyer's lips are moving

Why state A has more lawyers and state B has more toxic waste dump sites?

\- State B got to chose first

A short love story

A man and woman who had never met before and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and a bit uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the ...

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ME: honey WHY are you putting talcum powder in my shorts????

WIFE: it’s not talcum powder it’s Miracle Grow

Short message telegram

In days past, pre- phones and faxes and emails, a group of young ladies went on a picnic.

Unfortunately, the picnic was cut short as one of their group, Anna, sat down on an anthill and was rushed to hospital (Accident and Emergency in the UK).

Her friends needed to inform Anna's paren...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

My friend just had a baby and named him Miles. I told him I'm going to call him kilometer for short.

True story.
Actually he said he was going to call him half mile. Idk who won.

My army of bugs is crippled. All my soldiers are much too short to be good fighters, and I require more bread to feed them.

I lack toast and taller ants.

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.

The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

Took a short cut through the cemetery last week

I saw four pall bearers with a coffin on their shoulder walking along a row of headstones. Didn't take much notice and carried on. An hour later on my way back I took the short cut again and they were still there, walking up and down.

I thought to myself, those men have lost the plot.

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2 short and cute NSFW Jokes

1st -
Question: How does Herman Melville (from Moby Dick) finish off all of his sex stories?

Answer: ||"And there she blows!"||

2nd -
Question: Why does the gas station attendant have a long lasting relationship with his girlfriend?

Answer: ||Cause he always knows how ...

I just heard that they are making new tvs for people with short attention spans.

its gonna have 20x as many pixels as 4k.

It's called 80HD.

I saw my short friend yesterday, and I asked him "what's up?"

He turned to me with a sad look on his face and said "everything"

[nsfw] Three guys were hiking and took a short-cut across a farmer's field, where the found a pig stuck halfway through a fence.

"I wish that was my Nancy, my girl friend" said the guy from Florida.
" I wish that was my cousin Mary-Lou" said the guy from Georgia
"I wish it was dark out" said the guy from Alabama

A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off...

"Thank you for flying with us this morning.

The weather is....."

Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!"

A ghostly silence reigned.

He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the inci...

Farmer Giles asks his youngest son to take the cow over to the bull on the other side of the village. After a short time the vicar spots the boy struggling with the cow making his way past the church ....

'Are you alright?' Asks the vicar

'Yes vicar' says the boy, I'm taking the cow to the bull

'Oh dear' says the vicar, concerned to see a small child in charge of such a beast 'Couldn't your father or I help instead?'

'Not really' says the boy 'It has to be the bull'

Life is short, get desert.

(then it'll be shorter)

Edit:
Err ... dessert. always gets me!

A short joke to cheer you up

Jeff told his friend: "I was named after my father."

His friend said: "But his name is John."
"Yes", Jeff said. "He was named that years before I was even born".

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