UPJOKE
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Short Jokes

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."
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If Ani is short for Anakin and Obi is short for Obi-Wan, what is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper.
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What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship
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My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.
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Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.
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You gotta hand it to short people.

Because they can't reach it on their own.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

So if “Ani” is short for Anakin, and “Ben” is short for Obi-Wan... and “Fives” is short for CT-27-5555... and “Artoo” is short for R2D2... and “Chewie” is short for Chewbacca... What is Luke short for?

A stormtrooper
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If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.
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What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs
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If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss,

what does smoking marijuana do?
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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea
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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a la...
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I went to Disneyland and asked what “Mickey” was short for

They said “because he’s a mouse.”
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T-shirt is actually short for "tyrannosaurus shirt"

Because of the short arms.
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My mum suffers with short term memory loss

Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
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I don’t make jokes about short people

They’re beneath me
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Two women are chatting at work [short joke]

Two women are chatting at work.


The first woman says, “my husband surprised me with flowers last night. You know what that means, I’m going to have to spend the entire weekend with my legs in the air….”


Her coworker replies, “why don’t you just buy a vase?”
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Why are blonde jokes so short?

So men can remember them.
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The wife came up with this: what's short, bald and tries to enter places it doesn't belong?

Yeah, I know, I went with my dick first too, but apparently this was just another Putin joke.

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
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Funniest short joke

A three year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum," he asked. "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet!" she replied.

Why is "Dick" short for Richard?

Genetics
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I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms...

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait," I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Just then, I realized I h...
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Men call short women "petite". What do women call short men?

Um, yeh, they don't call.

Source: I'm not a tall man.
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Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.
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Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?
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Arnold Schwarzenegger and his friends are acting in a short film about classical pianists and musicians. One of friends says "I'll play Beethoven", another says "I'll be Mozart." In the end, Arnold says

I'll be Bach
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Melvin capital was caught with their pants down by the short squeeze

but it seems the SEC didn’t like seeing a full debriefing
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A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
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Short chefs may not have Napoleon Complexes...

But they sure have complex Napoleons.
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What happened to the short sighted circumciser?

He got the sack.
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I have a question for short people.

What are your future goals and how are you able to reach them?
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I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet".
I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"

What do you call a very short, inner-city man who accurately keeps time?

a metro-gnome
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What do you call a beaker that didn't fall short?

A graduated cylinder.
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You know, being short is great.

You'll always have someone to look up to.
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...short story..

Last night I was watching an old Stalone / Banderas / Moore movie - Assassins, where Julianne Moore is telling a nice and old story that is worth following...

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so c...

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

Well, I just got a very bitter complaint that the polo mallet I sold on ebay was too short

I told him to get off his high horse
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A man on a train is sitting across a gorgeous young lady, with tight short skirt on (NSFW)

She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully apologizes, and promises that it will not happen again.
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The man w...

"Life is way too short to be taken seriously."

An anti-vaxxer said to her kid.
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A short one

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, ...

Alex Trebek died shortly after Sean Connery.

He had to hurry and get to heaven before Connery found his Mother.
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I was going to short the stock of OceanGate .

Too late now, it couldn’t get any lower.
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A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.

He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.

"This is an outrage!"

The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.

"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 thi...
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The amount of short people with anger issues has always striken me as weird

Specially considering that they are the ones that should be more down to earth
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When a short person says “nice hair” to you...

Quickly check your zipper
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"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
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Wrote a short poem.

I dug.

You dug.

She dug.

He dug.


I know it's not very good but it's pretty deep.
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What do short people hate drinking?

Top-shelf liquor.
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Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...
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Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.
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A short, but funny one

A 103 year old man lay dying in his hospital bed and asks his wife “Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?

His wife crying uncontrollably answers “Yes”

He asks “Whose is it?”

His wife replies “Yours”
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Another short joke from Sunny

Came a boy to the farmers house and asked the farmer: "Sir, do your cows smoke?"The farmer replyed: "no usually they dont" Then the boy scratched his nose and said: "well i guess your barn is on fire then"
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(Short) Dirty Joke

Police have issued a city-wide statement:

"Approximately an hour ago two thieves ran off with multiple pounds of Viagra"

They say to keep an eye out for two hardened criminals...

Why is Martin Short?

So he can lick Steve Martin’s tall boy without bending over.
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As a general rule, I never make fun of short people.

They have it hard enough putting food on the table.
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How many people with short-term memory loss does it take to...

I'm sorry, where was I?
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After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.

I said "well that's a little ex stream"
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Short lawyer jokes

Why wouldn't a snake bite a lawyer?

\- Professional code of ethics



When do you know a lawyer is lying?

\- When the lawyer's lips are moving



Why state A has more lawyers and state B has more toxic waste dump sites?

\- State B got to chose first
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"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked.

"You ask nicely" I said.

Short message telegram

In days past, pre- phones and faxes and emails, a group of young ladies went on a picnic.

Unfortunately, the picnic was cut short as one of their group, Anna, sat down on an anthill and was rushed to hospital (Accident and Emergency in the UK).

Her friends needed to inform Anna's paren...
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I was doing a study on whether women are open to dating short guys

The 2 most common resposes were

1. Who are you
2. How did you get in my house
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A short love story

A man and woman who had never met before and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and a bit uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the ...
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My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.
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What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.
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what do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants
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short joke

**Every Wife Is A Mistress For Her Husband.**

**Miss For One Hour**

**And**
**.**
**.**
**.**
**.**
**Stress For The Remaining 23 Hours.**
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Short answer; No.

Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo
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I love short bread.

It's a shame, I heard they're not making it any longer.
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Great legs

The wife and I were in town shopping and as we came out of a store, three attractive young women aged between 18 and 20 walked by wearing tiny cropped tops and short short skirts. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic long toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you...
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Dave Grohl’s kid: Dad, these cakes you made for the school fundraiser are great, but we’re one short.

Dave Grohl: I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFECTION TO MAKE!
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Paddy and Mick take a short cut home across a farmers field

Paddy: "Ahhh, Mick look: there's a flock of Cows in the next field"

Mick says: "Herd of Cows, Paddy... Herd of Cows"

Mildly infuriated, Paddy replies:

"Of course I've heard of Cows, Mick: there's a bloody flock of them in the next field!!"
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My favorite short joke

I used to be into a lot of BDSM, Beastiality, Necrophelia, until I realized I was just beating a dead horse

Life is short, get desert.

(then it'll be shorter)



Edit:
Err ... dessert. always gets me!
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Yo momma so short...

You can see her feet on her driver's license
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all it takes is one short space...

And the therapist has become the rapist.

What do you call a short Mexican?

A paragraph, cuz he's not quite an ese
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Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...
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Shortly after creating them, God is introducing Adam and Eve to The Garden.

"These are the trees and bushes that bear fruit for you to eat. These are the bodies of water, for you to drink from. These are the animals, for you to name. And this is the forbidden fruit, which you must never eat."

"And what's that?" says Eve, pointing to something on her left.

"Oh ...
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I'm starting a business to teach short people maths.

It's called, "Making The Little Things Count."
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2 short and cute NSFW Jokes

1st -
Question: How does Herman Melville (from Moby Dick) finish off all of his sex stories?

Answer: ||"And there she blows!"||


2nd -
Question: Why does the gas station attendant have a long lasting relationship with his girlfriend?

Answer: ||Cause he always knows how ...

As a girl, I really enjoy having my hair short.

Because now the only thing I can let down is my parents.
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If Alkohol negatively affects short-term memory,

then what does alcohol do?
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Short but Sweet.

A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Brit walk into a pub.

The landlord sees them from behind the bar and asks, "Is this a joke?"
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Life is so short...

You never know when it's gonna-
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Have you every heard the battle cry of a Klingon short order cook?

Perhaps today is a good day to fry!
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Short and sweet cannibal joke

Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore... I ate the last one yesterday
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What do you call a short person waving at you?

Microwave
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What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

Short slighted gynecologist

What short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?


They both have wet noses....
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A Handful of Short Math Jokes

1. How do mathematician's scold their children?

* “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

2. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 A.M. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematici...
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Don’t buy Ukrainian boxer shorts...

...Chernobyl fallout.





(*has to be read in a British accent*)
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They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all?

A swinger.
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Pythagoras only took short cuts

He got into many arguments explaining that this route was apart of a perfect tangent.
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What do you call a convention of short Irishmen with leprosy?

Lepercon
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A short joke to cheer you up

Jeff told his friend: "I was named after my father."

His friend said: "But his name is John."
"Yes", Jeff said. "He was named that years before I was even born".
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What's Tim short for?

He was just born that way.
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Short short joke

I'm not saying my parents were too strict or unreasonable but the second my umbilical cord was cut after birth I had to go to my room and think about what I had done.
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What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?

Sparky
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A short joke for my cakeday

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says "uno, dos..." poof. He disappeared without a tres.
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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

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I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle...

...here is my... other handle? *HOLY SHIT*, I'M A SUGAR BOWL!

What is "relative to a short sleep?"

A napkin.



Sorry.
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My friend is called Art so i asked his father what is Art short for?

His dad said it's because he has little legs
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"Hey, aren't you a poetic metric characterized by a short syllable followed by a long, stressed syllable?"

"iamb"
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