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Burial Jokes

A friend of mine told me about his plan to sell burial plots to rich Egyptians.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me.

Risky Burial

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."

The man thought about it and decided he wo...

What do you call a case of premature burial?

A grave mistake.

A doctor’s burial...

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate burial.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service .

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At t...

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.



Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies

Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

How do you enter an ancient Egyptian burial chamber?

You just give a Tutankhamen.

Yo mama was so fat

It takes a week to mow her burial plot.

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An atheist man married a devout Catholic woman.

The woman insisted they have a full catholic wedding, led by a priest and including the sacrament. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
Every Sunday the woman insisted they attend mass. The man loved her, so he capitulated.
When their children were born, the woman insisted on a Catholic c...

I saw an ad for burial plots

and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

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An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery

for an indigent man
with no family or friends. Not knowing where the
cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got
lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse
was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open
hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eatin...

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...

A man is attending the burial of his wife, who has just died.

When someone asks, 'Who is it who rests in peace here?', he answers, 'Me, now that I'm rid of her!'"

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

And repeat

...A man lost in the forest finds an old man living in a plane

He asks the old man for help. The old man then tells him "You're in luck! It took me 40 years, but I figured out how to get this plane back in the air."

Then suddenly, the old man fell to the ground and passed.

The m...

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very...

A man's father dies...

After the funeral and burial he wrote a check to pay for the entire service.

A month later he received a letter from the funeral parlor. He opened it and saw it was a bill for a hundred dollars.

They must have overlooked some detail he thought so he wrote a check and sent it back to th...

A bunch of politicians were on a road trip...

....when their bus rolled over into a ditch. The top collapsed and killed a number of them, leaving the rest to die of their injuries. A farmer was the first on the scene and of course called 911 to report the accident.

About 30 minutes later, the local sheriff rolled up with an ambulance to...

My local cemetery is working to resell mine and my wife’s burial plots to a new buyer...

We’re in grave danger

A woman walks into an embalming and burial service office

The depressed-looking woman goes up the embalmer and says, "My husband died a few days ago in a car crash. When he died, he was in a black suit. It would be very nice if you could change his suit into one that is blue after embalming him. Blue was his favorite color, so I hope you understand." The e...

A classic one:

Recently people are prefering cremation over burial
Guess they are thinking "Outside the box"

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.

Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

A man named Joke

Once upon a time in ancient times, there was a man named Joke. He lived a long and prosperous life, happily married to his wife and having three children.

In the culture that they lived in, most believed that when a person died, a new star was born in the sky for them. However, Joke did not ...

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Valentines Day is on Monday

Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.

I just learned my Great Great Uncle George was in the Navy.

They gave him a burial at sea but it was really difficult because the water kept falling out of the shovel.

A University poses the following question to the best student in each subject:

A train crashes on the border between France and Germany. Where do you bury the survivors?

The Phyics student replied saying that, since a border is a 2 dimentional object and humans are 3D, they would have to be buried in both France and Germany simultaneously.

The Law student stated ...

Grandma, you are 105 years old, what's the secret for such a long life?

"I don't have enough money for burial services."

A close friend of a doctor, a dentist, and a lawyer dies

At the funeral, the doctor says to his two friends, “Where I come from it is traditional to honor the deceased by placing money on him to take to the grave with his burial.” So the other two agree to do this.

The doctor goes up to the coffin and after paying his last respects, places a $100 b...

No present for your mother in law

At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother in law and she asks, "where's mine?"

He says, "I didn't get you anything this year."

Visibly upset, she asks why.

He says, "you never used what I got you last year."

She yells, " it was a burial plot!"

Jimmy Kennedy, creator of the Hokey Pokey, died today at the age of 94.

It was a difficult burial. They put his right arm in...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

Abortion humor everybody: Texas (and Indiana) tried to pass law that said miscarriages/abortions had to have burials. Listen to what that plan sounds like:

Flush.

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe

In the early 1800s three explorers are captured by a Native American tribe...A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Russian. They are all taken in front of the chief. The chief is furious that they trespassed on the scared ancestral burial land but says they would have one chance to redeem themselves. Nex...

My Chinese friend got really sick one day...

...and had to go to a hospital. I went to see him the next day, but he just kept whispering “Nǐ zhàn zài wǒ de guǎn” over and over – and then he died. I was very sad and googled his last message after the burial. Apparently, it means “You’re standing on my oxygen tube.”

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An American, a British, and a Japanese walk through a forest. [long]

They come across a sign that reads, "Indian Sacred Burial Ground." The Japanese man warns the others to turn back, but the others insist on continuing their journey through the burial ground.

Soon enough, the men fall into a trap set by the Indians. As they tumble down into a hole, the chief ...

Tom Hanks, age 103, is on his deathbed...

The doctor at his bedside tells his family: "There's not much we can do at this point.

The family turns to Tom and asks him, "What are your wishes for the funeral, Burial or Cremation?"

Tom Hanks slowly lifts up a finger and points it towards his own body and says his last words .......

A team of Swiss archaeologists discovered a new tomb in the middle of the Egyptian desert

They uncovered the tomb, and entered its dark cobweb-filled caverns. After digging and digging, they reached the center of the tomb, a burial chamber filled with treasures.

And at the center of the chamber, a sarcophagus made of pure gold. And once they opened it, they found an unnamed body, ...

Moving On (Original joke)

It's been tough with my wife gone. It took me a while but I decided it was time to give her a proper burial, and move on. She put up on hell of a fight but eventually I got her in the coffin.

Obama goes on vacation to South Carolina and goes for an ocean swim...

And begins to drown! A young lifeguard swims out and rescues him, pulling him back to shore.

"Thank you so much for saving me young lady. Please, tell me what I can do to repay you."

"Aw shucks, I don't need nuthin', sir, it's just ma job!" She says.

"Listen, I'm the President o...

AN ODD TALE

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

"There are dinosaur bones buried out back!", I told my kids.

It's not my fault we couldn't afford a proper burial for their grandmother.

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Zombies

Undertakers:

Tie the deceased's shoelaces together before burial.
That way, if there IS a zombie apocalypse, it'll be as funny as fuck.

Strange music

In Vienna, the great composer Mr. Beethoven had recently died and been buried in the city cemetery, with much mourning by the Viennese citizens.

A few nights after the burial, the town drunk is stumbling on his way home through the cemetery. All of a sudden he hears some very strange-soundin...

A man is making funeral arrangements...

He goes to the funeral director and plans his father's funeral very promptly. He tells the funeral director to make this a fancy funeral and to get the best of the best.

The funeral director writes up a quote and gives it to the man. The man pays in cash right then right there.

The fun...

Carrie and Cari

A Korean, Ohn Min-Jin, marries an American. They have identical twins and choosing to double down on similarities, they name them "Cari" and "Carrie". The sisters, as they age, are inseparable. As best friends, they even take vacations together.

On one trip, while at the airport, Cari wat...

Excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle

I’ve just been reading an excavation report of a cemetery inside a castle linked to a medieval siege. One of the burials was, from the skeletal analysis, a high status individual, but with the strange feature of having a skull embedded in the torso, this being of a lower status person. A careful rea...

Dad on Deathbed

[Deathbed]

Dad: Don't put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I'm never turning this life support off!

Dad: because that would be...a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

(credit: @arfmeasures )

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A mans wife passes away one day...

After a beautiful funeral sermon the pallbearers lift the casket and head towards the exit, starting the procession to the burial plot.

On the way out the exit the casket is accidentally banged against the door and a miracle happens. Casket pops open and the wife sits up. Turns out she was ju...

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

A rich old man died

His widow arrived at the funeral home to meet with the mortician. “Fortunately he was dressed in this fine black suit when he passed, perfect for his burial “ he said. “Yes” replied the widow “he does look good, but I’ve alway thought he looked best in blue”. From her purse she pulled a blank check ...

A guy noticed his friend was late for work...

"Where have you been?" he asked.

"To my mother-in-law's burial."

"Then why the scratches on your face?"

"She kept resisting, that old fart."

COOL HUSBAND :D :P :)

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem. Wife died there.

Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".

Man:"........ I'll take the body home!!!"

Priest:" Why the costly option?"

Man: " Jesus was buried ...

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I think we all know King Arthurs knights

But, there were also others, who choose to stay in the background, but played a huge part.

First, and formost, the guy who made the round table. Sir Confarence

On second place, there was a knight, who sadly lost his life before he was publicly dubbed, saving king Arthur in a surprise r...

The lawyer called his client overseas...

..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."

EDITED to improve flow as suggested by /u/emilskoda

Age Of innocence

“Mommy, my turtle’s dead,” Andrew sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head and said, “That’s all right. We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the backyard. After that, we’ll go out ...

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip

The hotel is one of the most resplendent hotels imaginable, a surprise as the man was expecting rather bland accommodation. As comes with such high standards, there is a computer in the man's room.

He decides to send an e-mail to his wife, but unfortunately typed in the wrong messaging addres...

An elderly man was lying on his death bed

and in his bank account had 300,000 dollars. Being a man that didn't trust wills and didn't want the government to get their hands on the money, he decides to call over his three most trusted people. He calls over his priest, his lawyer, and his doctor and gives them each 100,000 dollars. He then...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies.

The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.

The aides confer and tell the official that they will take ...

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An old man and woman were married for years...

...even though they hated each other.

When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: **“When I die, I will dig my way up out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the r...

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NSFW A man and a woman are making passionate love...

and the man dies of a heart attack.

The undertaker removes the body and prepares it for burial, the problem being that the erection that the guy had has not gone away, and unless something can be done, the coffin will need something like a periscope to accomodate the protruding organ. They p...

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A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife...

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when his wife died suddenly.

When making the arrangements, the undertaker said:

"It will cost £5,000 to send her home for burial or £50 to bury her here."

So the Scotsman said to send her home.

"But sir!",...

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2020 one-ish liners

2020 so far:
-Welp, I guess somebody finally fracked their way through the wrong Native burial site.

-You think 7 years bad luck for breaking a mirror is bad? You should see what happens when you let polar ice caps melt.

-Nobody’s trying to keep the Jews as slaves again are they? ‘...

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

11 jokes from the world's oldest joke book

1. A Student Dunce Goes Swimming

"A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he'll never get into water until he's really learned to swim."

2 An Intellectual Visits a Friend

"An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man...

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The Farmer and the Rooster LONG

A farmer has over 100 hens on his land, but not one rooster. He sees an ad in the local paper for "Stud Rooster, $50. Guaranteed or your money back", so he sends in the money. Two days later the crate arrives, and inside is the scrawniest rooster the farmer has ever seen.

The rooster looks...

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. [Long]

A priest, a doctor, and the deceased's widow are talking after the funeral. The priest says, "I have something I need to confess. Before he died, your husband gave me an envelope with $250,000 in it and requested I place it in the casket with him. I know he was rich and loved his money, so I swore t...

I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. ...

Black and Blue

A new widow, upon learning that her late husband had been dressed in a black suit for burial, told the funeral director she wanted a blue suit instead; it was his favorite color and she would pay extra for the change.

On the day of the funeral, there was her husband in his coffin with a form...

[Long] The Mysterious camp

There was a camp that was really mysterious. It was built on an Indian burial ground by a lake where a bunch of teens had drowned across from an abandoned insane asylum. Strange sounds could be heard at night, and campers would constantly go missing. Years later, after seeing strange flashes of ligh...

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

The only Greek joke I know....

So a Greek and a Czech are walking through the forest. They come across two bears, a male and a female. Before the men can react, the bears attack and eat the Czech. The Greek runs back to his village and gets all of the villagers and they grab their pitchforks and run back into the forest. The mob ...

Pat the Irish immigrant died in a freak mining accident...

...leaving Kathleen, his young wife, near mad with grief. After the burial, Kathleen's mother drew her aside, and took her in her arms, and rocked her as she wept, and tried to comfort her:

"But think on what a grand man he was, Kathleen! Weren't they all saying at the wake as that Pat was a ...

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A Jew and a Czech go camping

While on the trip they are attacked by two bears, one male and one female. The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then p...

King Arthur and his Knights met a pilgrim…

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table met a pilgrim who claimed he found the burial site of Joseph of Arimathea in Scotland. As quick as they could, they set out to track down the best clue to the location of the Holy Grail. It was a long hard ride, across fens and through forests.

O...

Three blondes die and go to Heaven.

Stop laughing, that's not the whole joke.

They're standing outside the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes out and says, "Welcome to Heaven. We've been having some problems with break-ins lately, so I just need you to answer one simple question, and you can get in to Heaven. What is Easter?"...

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A Gargoyle, A Jinn, and A Dark Shaman are hanging out in a cemetery...

A gargoyle a jinn and a dark shaman are hanging out in a cemetery, close to midnight.

The shaman turns to the jinn and says,
"I bet my soul against your eternal servitude, that I can raise more corpses freshly dead within the past 10 years, than you can steal the souls of the living by gra...

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Lizards

Lizard Birth

If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!


I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinn...

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