As my dear departed mother used to say: "Hooray, hooray, the first of may!...."
"Outdoor screwing starts today!" (She actually did teach me that. I was an adult but still.)
An elderly widower remarries after many years with his recently departed wife
On their wedding night, the old man and his much younger bride decide to consummate the new marrige.
Knowing that it might be an emotional time for her husband, she begins undressing him slowly.
As they're about to climb into bed to get down to business, she looks up at his face, and...
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For ...
The genie told me I could have dinner with any five people from history, living or dead, so I chose Abraham Lincoln, John Dillinger, the Zodiac Killer, Marilyn Monroe, and my dear departed grandfather.
The genie said," You could choose five".
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
A jihadist was preparing himself for his mission, when suddenly he's facing the image of his dearly departed comrad
"Ahmad! How is paradise?"
"Abdul, don't go through with the mission, it is not the paradise we were promised!"
"How is that possible? How could that be? Did you get the 72 virgins?"
"Yes, and that's the problem, Abdul... think about what kind of women dies a virgin."
Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are you three going to travel on only one ticket?", one of the accountants asks.
"Watch and you would see", answers one of the engineers.
They all board the tr...
When all the animals left the ark, Noah gave them instructions as they departed:
To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"
A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"
"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.
Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!" ...
If you get pulled off before the planes even departed
Do you still get to join the mile high club?
Funeral home mishap
A grieving family arrives at the funeral home just ahead of the wake for their dear departed husband/father. They are taken in the back to see body before the event, and are disappointed to see that he is not in his favorite blue pinstripe suit, but in a tan suit. Then, they are horrified to notice...
On a tiny island between Italy and Greece,
Maria and Nico were young, in love, and engaged to be married. On the night before they were to be wed, Maria’s mother sat her down to have “The Talk”. Knowing Nico’s Greek heritage, she counseled her daughter:
“Maria, mia bella figlia, if Nico ever asks you to turn over, you must say NO! Nic...
This joke may contain profanity. 🤔
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama need...