I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Doctor: Well sir, I have some bad news... You have a very rare disease.

Parient: How rare is it?

Doctor: You get to pick a name.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Hey, what was the name of that one disease where you forget things?

I keep forgetting what it's called.

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

A weird disease

An old women visits a doctor and says, " Doctor, I have a weird disease, I FART... But for some reason there is no smell or sound. I just farted now but as you can see... no sound.. no smell..nothing".


So doctor gives some medicines and asks her to visit after a week.


After a w...

I've heard people say that smoking will give me diseases

But what they don't know is it cures salmon!

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

Do you know about the rapper that had an autoimmune disease?

Lupus Fiasco

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

Doctor: Mr. Stephens,I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rare disease.

Mr. Stephens: How rare?

Doctor: Would you prefer Stephens Disease or Greg Stephen's Disease for the name?

I met someone with Parkinson's disease.

He was great at shaking hands.

How do you live with a terminal disease?

You don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Doctor, doctor . . . All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

**Doctor:** " Sounds like a really bad case of *parking sons disease* "

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow with parkinson's disease?

Beef jerky

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

People say smoking will give you diseases

But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!

(Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a little person genius and a venereal disease?

One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?”

The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

Two cows are standing in a field.

One of them says, "There's been rumors going around about a 'Mad Cow Disease.' Do you think it's real?"

The other cow says, "I don't care! I'm a helicopter!"

Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have?

Hypochondria

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

Celiac disease was discovered first in France

They know that bread is pain

Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Is alcoholism a disease?

I don't know, but it's certainly an ale-ment!

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What disease can be transferred by cumming in someone’s ear

Hearing AIDS

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

What is the worst combination of 2 diseases simultaneously?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer's. You’re running, but you don’t know where to!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a welsh man was asked if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000$

the welsh man said "sure but under three conditions."

first, the sheep shouldn't have any diseases obviously

secondly, I don't want anyone i know to hear about this

and finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you

Two cows are grazing together.

The first looks over to the second and asks, “Did you hear about the recent outbreak of Mad Cow disease?”


The second continues his grazing, unconcerned. “Why should I care? I’m a helicopter!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

Erectile dysfunction

Is one disease that’s hard to beat.

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

Simpness has spread like a disease...

luckily, I don’t show no simp-toms.

What disease goes best with the coronavirus?

Lyme disease

What's the disease, which only vaccinated kids get?

Adulthood

What disease are anti-vax kids immune to?

Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.

What do you call it when the people of Westeros have an incurable disease?

Game of Crohn's

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.

What is the coolest disease to die from?

Hypothermia

As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive.

Luckily my older brother told me about it.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

The Chinese President dies of a chronic disease. How does his wife feel?

Xi's Jinping with joy.

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

Of course not. Your heart will last as long as you live.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease?

A mover and a shaker

Y’all heard of that new disease called Delicious?

It’s a perfect mix between Coronavirus and Lyme disease

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

A man with the 'Rona disease

A man with the 'Rona disease
Threw caution and care to the breeze
No mask with his kin
He did them all in
With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is worried his wife is very ill.

So he takes her to the doctor. The doc runs batteries of tests, looking at every system in her body, and finally comes out to talk to the very worried man in his waiting room.

"Sir, I think we're narrowed down your wife's condition to two possibilities. She either has a serious venereal disea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators?

Gatoraids

What kind of disease did the airport have?

A terminal illness.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?

Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees...

Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China

There's also the Wu Ping cough.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor says, “you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “Will that cure me?” the patient asks.

“Well, no,” the doctor replies, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”

My na always told that a great disease would be coming

Guess she had a 2020 vision

Two Jersey cows are in a field under a tree. The 1st cow says to the 2nd “Hey George have you heard about mad cow disease? They say it makes us cows go crazy and then they fall over dead!"

George replies "Well it's a damn good thing I‘m a helicopter!”

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill?

It's catching.

Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease

On her deathbed, she says to Bob:

"I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes."

"Don’t worry," Bob assured her.

"She is a lot taller."

What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress?

One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.

Center for Disease Control Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your collea...

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.

Me: Is it contagious?

Doctor: Is what contagious?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

What do you call a convict with a debilitating skin disease?

A Leper Con

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease...

Would that make him a dead man Walken?

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

I don't understand why some people think obesity is a disease,

The only thing obese people and a disease have in common is that they are both easy to catch.

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

A man goes to the doctor and after the exam the doctor says, “I have some bad news. You have a fatal disease.”

The man says, “Oh my God! Doc, how long have I got?”

The doctor replies, “10.”

The man cries, “I don’t understand…. Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?”

To which the Doctor replies, “Nine… eight… seven….”

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

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