When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal.

I may have Alzheimer’s disease

... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

I thought I had a good joke about a contagious disease but I was wrong.

It didn't go viral.

Doctor: You have a rare disease.

Me: How rare?

Doctor: You get to name it.

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mad Cow Disease

A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow disease.


Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?


The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a Cow only once a year?"

...

People keep saying smoking gives you diseases....

But how can they say that if it cures salmon?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

What do you call a racist with celiac’s disease?

Black toast intolerant.

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

When Mad cow disease was going around, noone knew what to do.

It was utter madness.

I saw two diseases drinking some soda

It was Hep C and Ebola sharing a Pepsi cola

What disease do you catch running in the jungle?

10k Fever.

What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

”So they made playing video games a disease”

“WHO?”
“Yes.”

How do you spread the Furry disease?

By using pathOwOgens.

Some guy told me some jokes about contagious diseases

But I didn’t get any of them.

How do Germans with Celiac disease great each other?

Gluten Tag

Two cows are in a field and one says to the other "I'm kind of worried about this Mad Cow disease, are you?

The second cow replies "Nah I'm not worried about it. I'm a helicopter"

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

There is one horrible disease vaccines have caused.

Anti-vaxxers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

What can get disease and will never live past 4?

A guinea pig you vaccine loving autist!


Btw I’m pro vax just thought this was funny.

Did you hear about the rapper who infected everyone with an autoimmune disease?

It was a lupus fiasco.

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease.

“I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.”



“Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.”



“And that’s not all,” the father continues. “I think I...

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Why did the blind woman die from an easily curable disease?

She never went to see a doctor.

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

HIV is a quite common disease

According to the statistics "One of Two and a half men gets it"

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary disease

A lady visits her doctor (Asian) and tells him she just can't get any sex.

The doctor tells her to take off all of her clothes and crawl from one side of the room and back

The lady thinks "this is pretty odd, but he's the doctor..." Strips down, and begins to crawl

As she reach...

Why are you not allowed to keep eagles that have a disease?

Because they are ill-eagle.

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

I know a good joke about bacterial disease

But I dont want to spread it

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it cures salmon?

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.
His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it ag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a bull gets the Mad cow disease?

He does some weird bullshit.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

A man goes to the doctor and finds out he has Addison’s disease

The man says, “I’ve never heard of this before. Is it serious?”

The doctor replies, “JFK actually had Addison’s disease, and well, it didn’t kill him”

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

What are the three best things about Alzheimer's disease?

1. You can make new friends every day.
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3. You can make new friends every day.

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

Did you hear about the mad cow disease outbreak?

It was udder pandemonium

My Doctor said, "Alcoholism is a disease."

My bartender said, "Get your shots here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachery Disease

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all...

Mad Cow Disease has been found to be transmitted to calves when being breastfed

It's udder insanity

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."...

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a rare disease that required his buttox to be removed

I was told after his surgery he got his ass handed to him

Bill and Hillary Clinton are eating dinner in a town where there has been a recent outbreak of Mad Cow disease.

When the waiter comes to take their order, Bill asks for a steak.

“But sir, what about the Mad Cow?” the waiter asks, concerned.

“Don’t worry,” Bill replies, “she’ll order for herself.”

Which disease is most tragic for a mime?

Gesticular cancer.

Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old

I recently came down with Matthew Mcconaughey's disease

Don't worry, I'm alright alright alright now.

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

What disease did Captain Hook fear most?

Jock itch

Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpes.

It's a canerial disease.

It's untweetable.

What do you call a Disease which is #1 in Trending?

A Viral Disease.

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

Why did the knife have a genetic disease?

It was in bread.

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s great about dating a girl with Benjamin buttons disease

You get the senior citizen discount when you take her out. And her pussy gets a little tighter each day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who died from a sexual disease?

Gone-orrhea

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

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