When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

Sir, you've got a very rare disease

Me: "How rare?"

Doctor: "You pick the name"

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a boner with venereal disease?

firewood

”So they made playing video games a disease”

“WHO?”
“Yes.”

I got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

**The doctor says it’s terminal.**

When Mad cow disease was going around, noone knew what to do.

It was utter madness.

How do you spread the Furry disease?

By using pathOwOgens.

Some guy told me some jokes about contagious diseases

But I didn’t get any of them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators?

Gatoraids

Jokes about Lyme disease

Really get me ticked.

How do Germans with Celiac disease great each other?

Gluten Tag

Two cows are in a field and one says to the other "I'm kind of worried about this Mad Cow disease, are you?

The second cow replies "Nah I'm not worried about it. I'm a helicopter"

What do you call a disease that only ginger people get?

Gingervitis

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease.

“I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.”



“Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.”



“And that’s not all,” the father continues. “I think I...

Did you hear about the rapper who infected everyone with an autoimmune disease?

It was a lupus fiasco.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

There is one horrible disease vaccines have caused.

Anti-vaxxers

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

HIV is a quite common disease

According to the statistics "One of Two and a half men gets it"

Why are you not allowed to keep eagles that have a disease?

Because they are ill-eagle.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

Why did the blind woman die from an easily curable disease?

She never went to see a doctor.

What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a bull gets the Mad cow disease?

He does some weird bullshit.

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

I know a good joke about bacterial disease

But I dont want to spread it

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

A man goes to the doctor and finds out he has Addison’s disease

The man says, “I’ve never heard of this before. Is it serious?”

The doctor replies, “JFK actually had Addison’s disease, and well, it didn’t kill him”

Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it cures salmon?

Did you hear about the mad cow disease outbreak?

It was udder pandemonium

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.
His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it ag...

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

What are the three best things about Alzheimer's disease?

1. You can make new friends every day.
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3. You can make new friends every day.

My Doctor said, "Alcoholism is a disease."

My bartender said, "Get your shots here."

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

Mad Cow Disease has been found to be transmitted to calves when being breastfed

It's udder insanity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachery Disease

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all...

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."...

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had a rare disease that required his buttox to be removed

I was told after his surgery he got his ass handed to him

Bill and Hillary Clinton are eating dinner in a town where there has been a recent outbreak of Mad Cow disease.

When the waiter comes to take their order, Bill asks for a steak.

“But sir, what about the Mad Cow?” the waiter asks, concerned.

“Don’t worry,” Bill replies, “she’ll order for herself.”

Which disease is most tragic for a mime?

Gesticular cancer.

What do you get when you mix Tourette's and Lyme disease?

Verbal ticks.

I recently came down with Matthew Mcconaughey's disease

Don't worry, I'm alright alright alright now.

My friend has a disease that makes him afraid of sunlight.

I don’t know why, but he’s really in the dark about it.

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

What do you call a Disease which is #1 in Trending?

A Viral Disease.

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

Why did the knife have a genetic disease?

It was in bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who died from a sexual disease?

Gone-orrhea

Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpes.

It's a canerial disease.

It's untweetable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with heart disease suspected his wife was cheating on him...

So he came home from work early one day to find the door locked so he unlocked it and walked in, all he found was his wife and laying in bed naked.

He lit his cigarette and took a look out the window to see a young man running out of the door pulling his pants up, the man picks up the mini fr...

Obesity is a disease that runs in the family

'Cause nobody runs in the family

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

A person has been infected by a disease that has made him unable to see well in dimly lit areas with his right eye.

The doctor proposes he receives a rod transplant in his right eye immediately and tells the surgeons.

Directly after the surgery, the patient asks the doctor, ‘Doctor, the surgery didn’t work, I am now unable to see anything and I even set off metal detectors accidentally.’

The doctor ...

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old

What's the most exciting thing about Alzheimer's disease?

Answers:
- You can hide your own Easter eggs
- Everything
- To get to the other side
- You meet new people everyday
- what's the most exciting thing about Alzheimer's disease

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

Preventing transmittable diseases.

Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while sh...

Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne...

But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne

More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease

They start making strange noises all the time and don't suck any more

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.