UPJOKE
viruscancersyndromeinfectionsymptomillnessmalarialeprosymalignancyepidemicacuteinfluenzachronicdiabetestuberculosis

Disease Jokes

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.
upvote downvote report

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

What's the worst disease combination to have?

Alzheimer and Diarrhea. You don't know where to run
upvote downvote report

My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked?

He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"
upvote downvote report

Sir, you've got a very rare disease

Me: "How rare?"

Doctor: "You pick the name"
upvote downvote report

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.
upvote downvote report

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
upvote downvote report

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...
upvote downvote report

Doctor: "Alcoholism is a disease."

Bartender: "Get your shots here."
upvote downvote report

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.
upvote downvote report

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.
upvote downvote report

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
upvote downvote report

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
upvote downvote report

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...
upvote downvote report

A weird disease

An old women visits a doctor and says, " Doctor, I have a weird disease, I FART... But for some reason there is no smell or sound. I just farted now but as you can see... no sound.. no smell..nothing".


So doctor gives some medicines and asks her to visit after a week.


After a w...
upvote downvote report

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary disease

A woman sees her Chinese love doctor, Dr. Chen, after she hasn't been able to find a date for over two years.

The woman says, "Dr. Chen, I'm desperate. I can't find a date for the life of me! Can you check if there is anything wrong with me?"

Dr. Chen replies in his thick Chinese accen...

Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?

The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I’m a helicopter!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with Gloria Gaynor disease...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Until the doc told me that I will survive.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."
upvote downvote report

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".
upvote downvote report

What do you call one of the Irish wee folk with a bad skin disease?

A Leper-chaun
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.
upvote downvote report

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.
upvote downvote report

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.
upvote downvote report

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.
upvote downvote report

I have a skin disease called psoriasis

It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.
upvote downvote report

What do you call someone who identifies disease by reading about symptoms on Google?

Google Doc
upvote downvote report

Two Diseases

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.


Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!
upvote downvote report

I’ve got a disease that keeps transforming me into capital cities…..

It’s starting to Hanoi me now.
upvote downvote report

My veterinarian says my dog has an absolutely adorable disease.

She has a cute pancreatitis.

*Update:* This is somewhat real. My dog went into the dog hospital last night. She's doing a little better today and she will probably make it. I had to joke because this is a tough ride to take without it.

*Update* My dog is home now. She's we...
upvote downvote report

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it
upvote downvote report

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.
upvote downvote report

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"
upvote downvote report

I met someone with Parkinson's disease.

He was great at shaking hands.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow with parkinson's disease?

Beef jerky

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.
upvote downvote report

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
upvote downvote report

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.
upvote downvote report

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
upvote downvote report

What goes with the Coronavirus?

Lyme Disease

Edit : Thanks For All The Awards!
upvote downvote report

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, in the fifteenth Century B.C., there lived a pharaoh.

And that pharaoh once got a sexually transmitted disease.

All the best medics of Egypt tried to cure him, but all have failed. Until one day, an old man told him that in one oasis to the west, there is an old sect of priests who know many secrets of medicine.

Quickly, the pharaoh order...

Is alcoholism a disease?

I don't know, but it's certainly an ale-ment!
upvote downvote report

Why is diarrhoea, an inherited disease?

Because it runs in your jeans!
upvote downvote report

Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...

...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".

One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

Simpness has spread like a disease...

luckily, I don’t show no simp-toms.
upvote downvote report

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.
upvote downvote report

What disease can you catch by eating too many potatoes?

Tuberculosis
upvote downvote report

(Long joke) A man is dying of a rare disease...

This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live.

A Make-A-Wi...
upvote downvote report

The doctor diagnosed me with “Unable to be taken seriously” disease.

I asked how I should tell my family.

He laughed and said that was a good joke.
upvote downvote report

Call me racist as much as you want, but South of the border is a sea of violence corruption disease and hate I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole.

I'm just lucky I live in Suriname.
upvote downvote report

A man tells his doctor "I'm sure I have liver disease".

"That's ridiculous" said the doctor. "You'd never know if you have liver disease, there's no discomfort of any kind".

"Exactly!" says the man "Those are my precise symptoms!"
upvote downvote report

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.
upvote downvote report

What do a person with celiac disease and a person teaching French have in common?

To them, bread is pain

Credit to my girlfriend
upvote downvote report

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
upvote downvote report

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...
upvote downvote report

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.
upvote downvote report

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...
upvote downvote report

Wanna hear a joke about my alzheimer's disease?

Wanna hear a joke about my alzheimer's disease?
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mad Cow Disease

A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow disease.


Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?


The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a Cow only once a year?"

...

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor. He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.

When she went in, she explained that she was sing...

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

What disease are anti-vax kids immune to?

Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.
upvote downvote report

How do you live with a terminal disease?

You don't.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a disease coming from China?

Kung-Pow Sicken.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

Mad cow disease

Two cows were talking over the fence bordering their farms.

The first cow said "Have you heard about this mad cow disease, it's spreading really fast."

The second cow responded "What do I care? I'm a helicopter."
upvote downvote report

Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have?

Hypochondria
upvote downvote report

Center for Disease Control Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your collea...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachery Disease

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all...

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)
upvote downvote report

Do you know about the rapper that had an autoimmune disease?

Lupus Fiasco
upvote downvote report

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.
upvote downvote report

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

Of course not. Your heart will last as long as you live.
upvote downvote report

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights
upvote downvote report

Have you heard about the girl with a hereditary disease that gives her diarrhea?

It runs in her jeans.
upvote downvote report

Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old
upvote downvote report

A man with the 'Rona disease

A man with the 'Rona disease
Threw caution and care to the breeze
No mask with his kin
He did them all in
With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.
upvote downvote report

I may have Alzheimer’s disease

... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!
upvote downvote report

Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it cures salmon?
upvote downvote report

The kremlin just announced that the president has got a rare disease that turns people into things from Canada

This announcement was made by Vladimir Poutine
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.
upvote downvote report

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.
upvote downvote report

TIL that a herpetologist studies diseased snakes, not diseased snakes

I've never put my pants back on that fast in my life
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

Hear about the popular disease?

It went Viral!
upvote downvote report

Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease

On her deathbed, she says to Bob:

"I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes."

"Don’t worry," Bob assured her.

"She is a lot taller."
upvote downvote report

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)
upvote downvote report

I don’t like diseases.

I avoid diseases like the plague.
upvote downvote report

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.
upvote downvote report

What disease do all comedians have?

Sillyacts
upvote downvote report

Doctor: Mr. Stephens,I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rare disease.

Mr. Stephens: How rare?

Doctor: Would you prefer Stephens Disease or Greg Stephen's Disease for the name?
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom Jones' Disease

A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, Pussycat?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name...

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to her doctor

A woman goes to her doctor and says " I have psittacosis of the pussy ". He says " That's impossible! It's a disease that parrots suffer from".
She insists that she has psittacosis and wants to be examined. He duly does so and says "As I said, you don't have psittacosis, but I can see that you ha...

What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.
upvote downvote report

How are chicken diseases transmitted?

Bockteria!
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information