What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

Sir, you've got a very rare disease

Me: "How rare?"

Doctor: "You pick the name"

Due to the global pandemic disease, which spreads quickly and is potential fatal, many cities have canceled the St. Patrick's day parade.

Columbus Day celebrations will continue as scheduled

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China

There's also the Wu Ping cough.

What disease do Nationalist people get ?

Pro-state Cancer.

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.

If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease...

Would that make him a dead man Walken?

Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill?

It's catching.

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease

On her deathbed, she says to Bob:

"I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes."

"Don’t worry," Bob assured her.

"She is a lot taller."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese se...

What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say?

What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say?

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

My Friends don't worry about any skin disease.

Snakes have the ability to change it after sometime.

Justin Bieber is currently battling Lyme disease.

If the corona virus spreads and he contracts it, he may be the first person with Conora-with-Lyme disease.

When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

What goes with the Coronavirus?

Lyme Disease

Edit : Thanks For All The Awards!

A man goes to the doctor and after the exam the doctor says, “I have some bad news. You have a fatal disease.”

The man says, “Oh my God! Doc, how long have I got?”

The doctor replies, “10.”

The man cries, “I don’t understand…. Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?”

To which the Doctor replies, “Nine… eight… seven….”

When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.

Can't say the same about Bieber though.

What do you call a convict with a debilitating skin disease?

A Leper Con

I don't understand why some people think obesity is a disease,

The only thing obese people and a disease have in common is that they are both easy to catch.

What do you call somebody with a skin disease trying to make you believe they have a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?

A leper-con

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor. He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.

When she went in, she explained that she was sing...

Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.

Me: Is it contagious?

Doctor: Is what contagious?

I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

My doctor told me that I have an autoimmune disease.

That explains why I have been trying to kill myself.

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

What is the most prevalent disease in the Harry Potter Universe?

Hogwarts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

What disease do all comedians have?

Sillyacts

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse/half human doctor.

This makes him the centaur for disease control.

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.

I was shaken by the news!

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal.

Are you guys talking about water-borne diseases?

Because I would like to joindis talk.

I may have Alzheimer’s disease

... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Growing up I was told that masturbation couldn't give diseases

But I guess that's not true because my computer shut down from viruses.

Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"

Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this 17 year old boy gets diagnosed with a terminal disease.....

The doctor tells the parents that he only have 3 days left to live, so the parents planned on making it the best 3 days of his life. Being their only child the wanted the best for him. they went to his favorite restaurant, went to the movies and went to an amusement park.
They rent a very expens...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mad Cow Disease

A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow disease.


Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?


The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a Cow only once a year?"

...

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

How are chicken diseases transmitted?

Bockteria!

I thought I had a good joke about a contagious disease but I was wrong.

It didn't go viral.

An coronavirus walks into a bar.

The Bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases here"

The virus replies, "Well, you’re not a very good host.’”

What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

What disease do you catch running in the jungle?

10k Fever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cattle are standing in a field

One says to the other, "I'm getting awfully worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around, what about you?"

The other replies, ***"You wanna say that my face, you fucking piece of shit?!"***

My buddy was trying to quit smoking...

...so I decided to help him out by making smoking seem terrible. I told him how smelly he was afterwards. I told him all the health statistics I'd read. I showed him pictures of diseased lungs. I think I finally got through to him when I soaked his cigarettes in gasoline. He was thrilled with me, I ...

When Mad cow disease was going around, noone knew what to do.

It was utter madness.

I went to my doctor because I had severe chest pain that wasn't going away

I freaked out when he couldn't figure out what it was and ended up referring me to a cardiologist.

The cardiologist ran some labs and scans and told me to wait for the results in his office.

I was relieved when the doctor came back with the results with a huge smile on his face.
...

I saw two diseases drinking some soda

It was Hep C and Ebola sharing a Pepsi cola

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

I'm just a man with Corona Virus looking for a girl to complete me

Hopefully she has "Lyme Disease"

”So they made playing video games a disease”

“WHO?”
“Yes.”

- Did you hear the World Health Organization is calling the Coronavirus a pandemic?

- WHO?
- The World Health Organization
- Yes
- Yes, what?
- WHO Is the World Health Organization
- The people in charge of global disease and health issues
- Who
- The people out there trying to prevent outbreaks
- Who
- The doctors and scientists working on a solution!

What do you call a racist with celiac’s disease?

Black toast intolerant.

How do you spread the Furry disease?

By using pathOwOgens.

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER do...

You know what would go great with Coronavirus?

Lyme's Disease.

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a boner with venereal disease?

firewood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

Some guy told me some jokes about contagious diseases

But I didn’t get any of them.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

How do Germans with Celiac disease great each other?

Gluten Tag

“Doc, all my 5 kids want to be valets when they grow up!”

Doctor: WOW! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To my girlfriend, I love you so much I'd die for you if necessary, I'd walk across a desert for you,

I'd stick my dick in a cactus for you, I'd have sex with a disease filled hooker for you and in fact I did so I hope you appreciate it.

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dentist, doing his first extraction on a patient was nervous

When he got the molar out, his hand shook, he lost his grip on the instrument, and the tooth dropped into patient's throat

Dentist: Sorry, you are outside my specialty now, you should see laryngologist (throat specialist)

By the time patient went to laryngologist, tooth had worked its ...

What can get disease and will never live past 4?

A guinea pig you vaccine loving autist!


Btw I’m pro vax just thought this was funny.

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease.

“I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.”



“Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.”



“And that’s not all,” the father continues. “I think I...

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,

was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her ...

There is one horrible disease vaccines have caused.

Anti-vaxxers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.

Have you heard of this new zombie like disease, stricking moses and deers? Hollywood is already on it.

Nightmare on elk street.

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

Why did the blind woman die from an easily curable disease?

She never went to see a doctor.

Did you hear about the rapper who infected everyone with an autoimmune disease?

It was a lupus fiasco.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get if you have sex with a bird?

Chirpies.

It's a canarial disease, fortunately it's tweetable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it cures salmon?

I know a good joke about bacterial disease

But I dont want to spread it

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.