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My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked?

He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.

Doctor: "Alcoholism is a disease."

Bartender: "Get your shots here."

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After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

I have a skin disease called psoriasis

It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.

A man is admitted to the hospital with an unknown, highly contagious disease.

Unable to figure out what it is, the doctors quarantine him until they can figure out what it.

At meal time, the man receives a piece of naan bread under the door. He thought that was strange, but nonetheless at it, as he was quite hungry.

At supper, a waffle is slid under the door. Ag...

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

A man tells his doctor "I'm sure I have liver disease".

"That's ridiculous" said the doctor. "You'd never know if you have liver disease, there's no discomfort of any kind".

"Exactly!" says the man "Those are my precise symptoms!"

What do you call a disease with many followers

Influenza

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...

...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".

One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Doctor: Well sir, I have some bad news... You have a very rare disease.

Parient: How rare is it?

Doctor: You get to pick a name.

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“You see, doc, ever since I got that disease from sex, I’ve been deathly scared of it,” said the man.

After some thought, the doctor responded. “Sounds like PTSTD.”

Two Diseases

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.


Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!

A weird disease

An old women visits a doctor and says, " Doctor, I have a weird disease, I FART... But for some reason there is no smell or sound. I just farted now but as you can see... no sound.. no smell..nothing".


So doctor gives some medicines and asks her to visit after a week.


After a w...

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

How do Germans with celiac disease greet each other?

Gluten Morgen!

Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff

except the one you want.

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

What’s Seth Rogen’s most feared disease?

Arthritis. He really worries about his joints

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?

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The day the penis asked for a raise.

The Day the Penis Asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the

following reasons: do physical labor. I work in great depths. I plunge head-first into everything I do. I do not get week ends or public holidays off. I work in a damp, dark environment, with ver...

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Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

I've heard people say that smoking will give me diseases

But what they don't know is it cures salmon!

I'm ashamed of myself for the dad joke I made today.

Coworker was talking about a Joe Rogan episode with Jim Miller where they talked about Lyme Disease.

We continued the conversation and at the end I said "I guess the kids have tik tok and we have tick talk." I don't know how to feel after that one. Had to share somewhere.

I met someone with Parkinson's disease.

He was great at shaking hands.

Holy Cow!

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

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What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

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What do you call a cow with parkinson's disease?

Beef jerky

Do you know about the rapper that had an autoimmune disease?

Lupus Fiasco

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

Doctor: Mr. Stephens,I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rare disease.

Mr. Stephens: How rare?

Doctor: Would you prefer Stephens Disease or Greg Stephen's Disease for the name?

Man goes to the doctor

Man goes to the doctor for tests and the doctor comes back and says I have good news and bad news. Which one do you want to hear first?

The man opts for the good news.

Doc says, “we’re naming a new disease after you”.

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?”

The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

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A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

How do you live with a terminal disease?

You don't.

What's the difference between Chuck E. Cheese and Russia?

One is a dark, dank hole, lead by a flea infested disease carrying incontinent rodent giving cheap prizes for worthless tokens.

The other sells pizza to children

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have?

Hypochondria

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Is alcoholism a disease?

I don't know, but it's certainly an ale-ment!

Celiac disease was discovered first in France

They know that bread is pain

Simpness has spread like a disease...

luckily, I don’t show no simp-toms.

What disease goes best with the coronavirus?

Lyme disease

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What disease can be transferred by cumming in someone’s ear

Hearing AIDS

What disease are anti-vax kids immune to?

Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.

What do you call a disease coming from China?

Kung-Pow Sicken.

I’ve always loved farming, and farmers are some of the most loving people.

There has always been an innate desire in me, and I believe in all humans, to begin farming at some level. From being outside to doing labor where your mind can wander into different places, I love it.

I have never considered myself a big animal person, but I’ve fallen in love with horses, s...

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

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"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

(Last one for the night) - Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow turns and says "Hey have you heard about the mad cow disease going around?" and the second cow responds...

"No, luckily I'm a helicopter."

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What's the difference between a little person genius and a venereal disease?

One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.

What happens when you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies

It's a canarial disease

There's no tweetment

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

A medical student

A medical student walks into his favorite local bar and orders a beer. "I've finally decided what my practice will specialize in," the student tells the bartender. "It will be in the study and treatment of the diseases and disorders of the Adam's apple." "Is there some sort of fancy medical name for...

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

What is the coolest disease to die from?

Hypothermia

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

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A Man is suffering from a disease

He gets himself checked from all the famous doctors in the city. None of them understood the problem. Then finally one doctor understands it and calls the man for an appointment. The man visits the doctor with his wife. So the doctor chose to talk with the wife first, he asks the man to wait outside...

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

Why did the disabled driver had difficulty getting his Honda between the two stationary Toyotas?

He had Parallel Parkinson's disease.

Jacob, age 92, and Beth, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a chemist. Jacob suggests they go in.


Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"...
The pharmacist answers "Yes".


Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
...

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A small boy

named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother hone...

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

Of course not. Your heart will last as long as you live.

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

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You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

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I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease?

A mover and a shaker

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Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

A man with the 'Rona disease

A man with the 'Rona disease
Threw caution and care to the breeze
No mask with his kin
He did them all in
With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.

Y’all heard of that new disease called Delicious?

It’s a perfect mix between Coronavirus and Lyme disease

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The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

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