The 105+ Best Disease Jokes

My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked?

He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Sir, you've got a very rare disease

Me: "How rare?"

Doctor: "You pick the name"

What's the worst disease combination to have?

Alzheimer and Diarrhea. You don't know where to run

Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?

The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I’m a helicopter!

Doctor: "Alcoholism is a disease."

Bartender: "Get your shots here."

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the masturbating guy with heart disease?

I heard he died of a stroke.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

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I've just been diagnosed with Gloria Gaynor disease...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Until the doc told me that I will survive.

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After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

What do you call someone who identifies disease by reading about symptoms on Google?

Google Doc

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Fuck diseases

Or as my doctor told me to call them, STIs

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive...

It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

Call me racist as much as you want, but South of the border is a sea of violence corruption disease and hate I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole.

I'm just lucky I live in Suriname.

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Ed Zachary disease

A woman sees her Chinese love doctor, Dr. Chen, after she hasn't been able to find a date for over two years.

The woman says, "Dr. Chen, I'm desperate. I can't find a date for the life of me! Can you check if there is anything wrong with me?"

Dr. Chen replies in his thick Chinese accen...

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

My veterinarian says my dog has an absolutely adorable disease.

She has a cute pancreatitis.

*Update:* This is somewhat real. My dog went into the dog hospital last night. She's doing a little better today and she will probably make it. I had to joke because this is a tough ride to take without it.

*Update* My dog is home now. She's we...

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.

A weird disease

An old women visits a doctor and says, " Doctor, I have a weird disease, I FART... But for some reason there is no smell or sound. I just farted now but as you can see... no sound.. no smell..nothing".

So doctor gives some medicines and asks her to visit after a week.

After a w...

I’ve got a disease that keeps transforming me into capital cities…..

It’s starting to Hanoi me now.

What do you call a fraudster with a skin disease?

A leper con.

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

I have a skin disease called psoriasis

It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.

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What do you call a cow with parkinson's disease?

Beef jerky

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

What do a person with celiac disease and a person teaching French have in common?

To them, bread is pain

Credit to my girlfriend

What disease can you catch by eating too many potatoes?

Tuberculosis

The kremlin just announced that the president has got a rare disease that turns people into things from Canada

This announcement was made by Vladimir Poutine

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.

A man tells his doctor "I'm sure I have liver disease".

"That's ridiculous" said the doctor. "You'd never know if you have liver disease, there's no discomfort of any kind".

"Exactly!" says the man "Those are my precise symptoms!"

Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...

...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".

One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".

I met someone with Parkinson's disease.

He was great at shaking hands.

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?

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What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

Two Diseases

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.

Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!

(Long joke) A man is dying of a rare disease...

This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live.

A Make-A-Wi...

So a man becomes sick with a disease that causes him to turn multiple colors, and fall asleep for an indefinite amount of time.

His family takes him to a hospital after he has not woken up after a few days, with the hospital being absolutely confused on what condition this man is in. One day one of the head doctors come in to update the family on the unconscious, rainbow man's condition.

"Doctor, do you have any news ...

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

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“You see, doc, ever since I got that disease from sex, I’ve been deathly scared of it,” said the man.

After some thought, the doctor responded. “Sounds like PTSTD.”

What’s Seth Rogen’s most feared disease?

Arthritis. He really worries about his joints

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A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

Do you know about the rapper that had an autoimmune disease?

Lupus Fiasco

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

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"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

Simpness has spread like a disease...

luckily, I don’t show no simp-toms.

What disease goes best with the coronavirus?

Lyme disease

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What disease can be transferred by cumming in someone’s ear

Hearing AIDS

Doctor: Mr. Stephens,I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rare disease.

Mr. Stephens: How rare?

Doctor: Would you prefer Stephens Disease or Greg Stephen's Disease for the name?

What do you call a disease coming from China?

Kung-Pow Sicken.

Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have?

Hypochondria

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

Is alcoholism a disease?

I don't know, but it's certainly an ale-ment!

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

What disease are anti-vax kids immune to?

Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.

How do you live with a terminal disease?

You don't.

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

Of course not. Your heart will last as long as you live.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a little person genius and a venereal disease?

One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

What is the worst combination of 2 diseases simultaneously?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer's. You’re running, but you don’t know where to!

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it cures salmon?

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

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