Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive.

Luckily my older brother told me about it.

What disease goes best with the coronavirus?

Lyme disease

What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease?

A mover and a shaker

Y’all heard of that new disease called Delicious?

It’s a perfect mix between Coronavirus and Lyme disease

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

I've got this horrible disease where I constantly tell airport jokes.

The doctor told me it's terminal.

I bought a car recently that was infected with disease

Now I have car owner virus.

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bono is between songs at a concert in Scotland and goes into his humanitarian pitch...and says, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies of disease or starvation"...

He puts the mic down on the stage and claps once...then stands completely straight up and still. A hush falls over the crowd. You can hear a pin drop.

Five seconds later...he claps again...then stands still. Five seconds later...he claps again and stands solemnly erect. This continues f...

Two Jersey cows are in a field under a tree. The 1st cow says to the 2nd “Hey George have you heard about mad cow disease? They say it makes us cows go crazy and then they fall over dead!"

George replies "Well it's a damn good thing I‘m a helicopter!”

“I’m sorry,” the doctor says, “you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “Will that cure me?” the patient asks.

“Well, no,” the doctor replies, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”

My na always told that a great disease would be coming

Guess she had a 2020 vision

Two cows were discussing the Mad cow disease outbreak.

'it could affect us cows badly.' says the first cow.

'Im not a cow,' says the second cow, ' I'm a helicopter.'

Center for Disease Control Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your collea...

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

Sir, you've got a very rare disease

Me: "How rare?"

Doctor: "You pick the name"

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?

Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

What disease do Nationalist people get ?

Pro-state Cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

Welp we got ourselves a new disease...

But suddenly a bunch of disorders don’t count as disorders anymore:
- OCD cleanliness
- agoraphobia
- antisocial personality

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress?

One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.

Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China

There's also the Wu Ping cough.

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease...

Would that make him a dead man Walken?

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease

On her deathbed, she says to Bob:

"I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes."

"Don’t worry," Bob assured her.

"She is a lot taller."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese se...

What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say?

What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say?

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

My Friends don't worry about any skin disease.

Snakes have the ability to change it after sometime.

Justin Bieber is currently battling Lyme disease.

If the corona virus spreads and he contracts it, he may be the first person with Conora-with-Lyme disease.

A man goes to the doctor and after the exam the doctor says, “I have some bad news. You have a fatal disease.”

The man says, “Oh my God! Doc, how long have I got?”

The doctor replies, “10.”

The man cries, “I don’t understand…. Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?”

To which the Doctor replies, “Nine… eight… seven….”

What do you call a convict with a debilitating skin disease?

A Leper Con

When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.

Can't say the same about Bieber though.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

I don't understand why some people think obesity is a disease,

The only thing obese people and a disease have in common is that they are both easy to catch.

Yo mama's so fat...

... she caught a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave her ten years to live.

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.

Me: Is it contagious?

Doctor: Is what contagious?

Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field...

One cow says to the other, "The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried"

The other cow looks over and says ," I'm not worried at all..... I'm a helicopter....."

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could dea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor. He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.

When she went in, she explained that she was sing...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.



"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Pati...

I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute-glass bowl sitt...

What disease do all comedians have?

Sillyacts

What is the most prevalent disease in the Harry Potter Universe?

Hogwarts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

GMOs are one thing, but I was worried my sandwich meat had a genetic disease...

You know, cause it was in bread.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?

Doctor: Take her for long walk and le...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends encounter a genie

The Genie is extremely grateful to the three friends for releasing him from his dormant stage and offers three wishes to each man.

The first one says "I want to have enough money that I don't have to work another day in my life." As soon as he finished, his phone beeped saying he had $10 Mil ...

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

I may have Alzheimer’s disease

... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Are you guys talking about water-borne diseases?

Because I would like to joindis talk.

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Growing up I was told that masturbation couldn't give diseases

But I guess that's not true because my computer shut down from viruses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mad Cow Disease

A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow disease.


Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?


The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a Cow only once a year?"

...

My doctor told me I injured my eye by staring at my computer screen for too long.

I guess I have a terminal disease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

Hear about the popular disease?

It went Viral!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WWII Army Major walks into the medical wing.

He approaches the first bunk

Major: Why are you here Soldier?

Soldier: Syphilis Sir!

Major: How are they treating it Soldier?

Soldier: 5 minutes a day with a wire brush Sir!

Major: What is your ambition Soldier?

Soldier: To get back to the front lines Sir!<...

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

A guy goes to the doctor needing blood for his disease, the doctor sadly tells him there is only one blood type available for him and they are all out. The patient, worried asks if he is going to survive. The doctor says he isn’t sure, the patient asks isn’t there anything I can do?

The doctor looks around the room then whispers, “you can steal b positive”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this 17 year old boy gets diagnosed with a terminal disease.....

The doctor tells the parents that he only have 3 days left to live, so the parents planned on making it the best 3 days of his life. Being their only child the wanted the best for him. they went to his favorite restaurant, went to the movies and went to an amusement park.
They rent a very expens...

How are chicken diseases transmitted?

Bockteria!

I have read that symptoms of the Covid19 virus can include loss of smell and taste. Well I don't know about your sense of smell....

But judging by your hair and clothes I think you might've had this disease for quite some time.

A doctor walks into one of his patients room. He says: “Unfortunately, I have some bad news.”

“What is it?”, the patient replies with a concerned look on his face.

The doctor replies with: “I’m afraid you have Parkinsons disease.”

The patient, shocked by this news replies: “Oh my god, I’m literally shaking.”

A long time ago, in the middle east

There was a town where everyone worshipped many gods. But one day, a young boy arrived from afar, claiming to be a prophet sent by Allah. He told them to convert to Islam, or else they would receive divine punishment.

Naturally, the townspeople rejected his words, and they executed him in pub...

When Mad cow disease was going around, noone knew what to do.

It was utter madness.

What disease do you catch running in the jungle?

10k Fever.

I saw two diseases drinking some soda

It was Hep C and Ebola sharing a Pepsi cola

”So they made playing video games a disease”

“WHO?”
“Yes.”

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

A man calls his doctor because he suspects he has Corona

They discuss his symptoms and conclude that he indeed has the disease.

Doctor: you will need to start the 3P diet.

Man: the 3P diet? What's that?

Doctor: pizza, pancakes, and panini

Man: but doctor, why?

Doctor: because they fit under the door

How do you spread the Furry disease?

By using pathOwOgens.

Picture This: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live in and around the mouths of Alpacas.

Global Chaos Ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca-lip-tick wasteland.

Stolen from r/dadjokes from u/habsfan1112

What do you call a racist with celiac’s disease?

Black toast intolerant.

Anyone who subscribes to r/Jokes should be tested for Coronavirus

One of the symptoms of the disease is having no taste.

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

Scientists have just found the cure to COVID-19

They call it cyanide.

*It also cures all other diseases.*

Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"

Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

Gee, I wonder if SARS-CoV-2 mutated to the point where it could infect birds...

I guess you could call the disease it causes "CO*R*VID-19," eh?

My friend is so stupid

I took a cab to his house and he was all worried I was going to get the coronavirus. I told him not to worry. I have auto immune disease.

Why should you never kiss a canary?

You'll get Chirpies. A verified canarial disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

Some guy told me some jokes about contagious diseases

But I didn’t get any of them.

How do Germans with Celiac disease great each other?

Gluten Tag

A guy goes to the doctor, feeling slightly unwell.

He goes in and asks the doctor if he can do some tests to see what it is.

The doctor comes back 10 minutes later and says, "Good news: you have a rare disease. Bad news, you have a rare disease."

The guy asks,"So what is it? What's the disease called?"

The doctor says,"Your choi...

A limerick about my life right now

I might soon be resting in clover,

At the end of my days as a rover.

But I'm still not appeased

Whether I've got disease,

Or just that I'm really hungover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father ladies and gentlemen...

So, when we were younger we used to run a single line off the back of one of the snowmobiles, put a splitter on her with two lengths of ski rope about 25' long, gear up with helmets and suits, and throw two guys on on those flying saucers, (you know, like the ones on National Lampoon's Vacation) and...

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