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Disease Jokes

My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. "What's it called," I asked?

He replied, "What do you want it to be called?"

What do you call a disease with many followers

Influenza

My veterinarian says my dog has an absolutely adorable disease.

She has a cute pancreatitis.

*Update:* This is somewhat real. My dog went into the dog hospital last night. She's doing a little better today and she will probably make it. I had to joke because this is a tough ride to take without it.

*Update* My dog is home now. She's we...

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?

The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I’m a helicopter!

What's the worst combination of diseases you can have?

Alzheimer's and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, especially when you can't remember why you're running.

I've got this terrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

My Doctor tells me it's terminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fuck diseases

Or as my doctor told me to call them, STIs

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

What do you call someone who identifies disease by reading about symptoms on Google?

Google Doc

I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"

I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After Covid it seems everyone forgot this sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

Life

Doctor: "Alcoholism is a disease."

Bartender: "Get your shots here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

A doctor walked in to see a patient. “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The patient say, “What’s the good news?”

Doctor, “They’re going to name a disease after you.”

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

What disease can you catch by eating too many potatoes?

Tuberculosis

A pair of cows were talking in the field..

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.

What do a person with celiac disease and a person teaching French have in common?

To them, bread is pain

Credit to my girlfriend

The kremlin just announced that the president has got a rare disease that turns people into things from Canada

This announcement was made by Vladimir Poutine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm happy to say I am now free of all sexually transmitted diseases..

They are now called sexually transmitted infections.

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.

I have a skin disease called psoriasis

It really only flares up on my legs and feet and using dandruff shampoo helps clear it up or at least soften it. So I guess you could say I use head and shoulders for my knees and toes.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

A man with Celiac disease willingly ate an entire loaf of bread.

He was a gluten for punishment.

My dad handed down to me a hereditary disease that causes diarrhea all the time.

It runs in the jeans.

A weird disease

An old women visits a doctor and says, " Doctor, I have a weird disease, I FART... But for some reason there is no smell or sound. I just farted now but as you can see... no sound.. no smell..nothing".


So doctor gives some medicines and asks her to visit after a week.


After a w...

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

a blonde desperately wanted to win the lottery.

So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery.

The next morning the blonde woke up and she didn't win. So she prayed to God again asking to win the lottery. She reasoned that she'll use the money to do a lot of good and cure all diseases in the world.

The next ...

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The president was touring a local hospital one day.

And as he’s going room to room, he sees a man furiously masterbating. He shockingly asks the doctor touting with him why this patient is doing this with the door wide open.

The doctor replies that the man has a disease where his testicles refill so fast that if he doesn’t ejaculate every hou...

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It"s called Chirpes.

It's one of those canarial diseases.

I hear it's untweetable.

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car.

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was on his motorcycle when a car pulled out in front of him. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was crossing the street when a car hi...

A man tells his doctor "I'm sure I have liver disease".

"That's ridiculous" said the doctor. "You'd never know if you have liver disease, there's no discomfort of any kind".

"Exactly!" says the man "Those are my precise symptoms!"

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Warning: Dark Humor Ahead "A cure?"

A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results:

Doc: Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal.

Jim: Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?

Doc: Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special...

Several nuns in a convent contract a venereal disease...

...So the Mother Superior calls a general meeting, and announces "There are cases of gonorrhea in our midst".

One of the nuns whispers to the nun next to her, "That's nice, I'm getting sick of the Cabernet".

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

Doctor: Well sir, I have some bad news... You have a very rare disease.

Parient: How rare is it?

Doctor: You get to pick a name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Drunk and a priest

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a ...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter is in Jerusalem interviewing a rabbi at the Wailing Wall

He asks the rabbi what he prays for.

The rabbi says, “I pray that the Jews and the Muslims can learn to get along and love each other. I pray to have all disease eradicated and for no one to starve. I pray that one day the world may live in peace.”

“That’s beautiful,” the reporter says...

How do Germans with celiac disease greet each other?

Gluten Morgen!

A man goes to discuss his test results with his doctor.

The doctor enters and tells the man, "I have good news and bad news."

The man asks to hear the good news first.

"You're going to have a disease named after you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow with parkinson's disease?

Beef jerky

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

I met someone with Parkinson's disease.

He was great at shaking hands.

Have you heard of that new bird disease?

Corvid-19?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“You see, doc, ever since I got that disease from sex, I’ve been deathly scared of it,” said the man.

After some thought, the doctor responded. “Sounds like PTSTD.”

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes (badumm tss)

Two Diseases

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that you have cancer. You also have Alzheimer's disease.


Patient: Well at least I don't have cancer!

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

So a man becomes sick with a disease that causes him to turn multiple colors, and fall asleep for an indefinite amount of time.

His family takes him to a hospital after he has not woken up after a few days, with the hospital being absolutely confused on what condition this man is in. One day one of the head doctors come in to update the family on the unconscious, rainbow man's condition.

"Doctor, do you have any news ...

Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine.

This makes him the centaur for disease control.

Do you know about the rapper that had an autoimmune disease?

Lupus Fiasco

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

What do you call a gathering of people with skin disease in Ireland.

A Leper-Con

Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have?

Hypochondria

What disease goes best with the coronavirus?

Lyme disease

Woman: Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me. All my sons want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Looks like you have Parking Sons Disease.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

Simpness has spread like a disease...

luckily, I don’t show no simp-toms.

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What disease can be transferred by cumming in someone’s ear

Hearing AIDS

Doctor: Mr. Stephens,I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rare disease.

Mr. Stephens: How rare?

Doctor: Would you prefer Stephens Disease or Greg Stephen's Disease for the name?

What disease are anti-vax kids immune to?

Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.

What do you call a disease coming from China?

Kung-Pow Sicken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

Despite my wife having celiac's disease, she keeps on eating bread...

You could say she's a gluten for punishment.

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a little person genius and a venereal disease?

One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

I am obsessed with bugs that give people Lyme Disease.

I might even be atickted to it.

A guy who is sick goes to the doctor

The doctor says you have what we call "Tom Jones disease."

The patient says "Oh my God! I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"

The doctor says "It's not unusual."

What is the coolest disease to die from?

Hypothermia

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

[OC] A genie grants a man his first two wishes, and the man was so upset with how the wishes turned out, that for his third wish, he wished that the genie would go to hell.

The genie arrives in hell, and the Devil is surprised. "We've never had a genie down here before!" the Devil exclaims.

The genie says, "Well, I guess you're my new master, would you care to make your first wish?"

The Devil gets very excited, and quickly replies, "YES! I've been dreamin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two people make a bet..

Long
(this is a translation from another language)
In the Royal court of King Akbar, there were two exceptionally skilled men, Birbal known for his wits, and Tansen known for being the best singer.
So one day Birbal was bragging about how smart he was, then Tansen challenged Birbal that if...

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

What is the worst combination of 2 diseases simultaneously?

Diarrhea and Alzheimer's. You’re running, but you don’t know where to!

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