TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Why is diarrhoea, an inherited disease?

Because it runs in your jeans!

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow with parkinson's disease?

Beef jerky

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

Two cows are grazing in a field: “You ever worry about Mad Cow Disease?”

The other cow goes- “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

Which disease hypochondriacs are sure that they don't have?

Hypochondria

Celiac disease was discovered first in France

They know that bread is pain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

We did it Reddit! For ONE GLORIOUS DAY, people of the world will put aside their differences! There'll be no hunger, no pain, no suffering! No war, no fighting! Peace will embrace us like a warm blanket! Sickness and disease will cease! So please welcome this momentous occasion....

February 30, 2021

What do you call it when the people of Westeros have an incurable disease?

Game of Crohn's

What do you call a disease coming from China?

Kung-Pow Sicken.

(Last one for the night) - Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow turns and says "Hey have you heard about the mad cow disease going around?" and the second cow responds...

"No, luckily I'm a helicopter."

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

I got rare disease

Doctor: You have got an extremely rare disease

Me: How rare?

Doc: You pick the name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What disease can be transferred by cumming in someone’s ear

Hearing AIDS

What's the disease, which only vaccinated kids get?

Adulthood

What disease are anti-vax kids immune to?

Adulthood. I hope this isn't taken.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sexy female TV reporter, with big boobs, interviews a farmer, asking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a cow only once a year?"

Lady: (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow dis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

Have you heard about the disease from kissing birds ?

It's called Chirpies.

It's a canarial disease.

It's untweetable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man is suffering from a disease

He gets himself checked from all the famous doctors in the city. None of them understood the problem. Then finally one doctor understands it and calls the man for an appointment. The man visits the doctor with his wife. So the doctor chose to talk with the wife first, he asks the man to wait outside...

A new disease in France turns people into bread.

French authorities are unable to contain the spread, and the disease begins to make its way through Europe and to the rest of the world.

It's a paindemic.

Reporter: "This local man is suffering with a disease that causes holes to suddenly appear on his body."

"Tonight, on the 6PM news, he opens up about his problem."

What is the coolest disease to die from?

Hypothermia

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

Simpness has spread like a disease...

luckily, I don’t show no simp-toms.

What disease goes best with the coronavirus?

Lyme disease

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

A have a horrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal,

(Told to me by my friend Dave)

Doctor: "I have some good news and some bad news."

Me: "Well, what's the good news?"

Doctor: "The good news is, we're going to name a disease after you. "

When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies?

Twobearculosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happened to Juan?!

There once was a man named Juan(65M), who was seeing this woman named Maria(60F)... every Saturday, they had a ritual. They would meet up at the local park, sit on the bench, and Maria would hold his penis. They enjoyed about a year of this relationship, before one Saturday, Juan failed to show.
...

People say smoking can cause diseases

But then how does it cure salmon?

The Chinese President dies of a chronic disease. How does his wife feel?

Xi's Jinping with joy.

Are you the Center Of Disease Control?

Cuz theres nothing flat about your curves.

(seriously we have a real problem this virus is getting worse)

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

You sure I don't have heart disease, doc?

Of course not. Your heart will last as long as you live.

Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.

Guy: How rare?

Doc: Really rare.

Guy: What’s it called?

Doc: You choose.

Man: Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The leaders of the free world gather to discuss the problems of a struggling nation

The French start: "The Age of Enlightenment started here. We'll help spread progressive ideas."

The Germans follow: "We have a very stable economy, we'll help lower national debt."

The Japanese join in: "Our scientist are the best in the world. We pledge to help battle the spreading di...

What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease?

A mover and a shaker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: All I’m saying is that vaccines are more dangerous then the diseases they prevent!

Husband: did you know that the skin your lips are made of is the same as your asshole?

Wife: What does that have to do with anything?!

Husband: Well, it explains why everything that comes out of your mouth is complete shit.

Y’all heard of that new disease called Delicious?

It’s a perfect mix between Coronavirus and Lyme disease

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Angus and Bridget (the honeymoon)

Angus and Bridget have been dating for a while and plan to marry, so Bridget decides it's time for so honesty. She tells Angus that as a child she was afflicted with a rare condition that left her with the breast of a child. Angus is taken a back by this but soon realizes he cares more for her then ...

What disease do you get from buying too many Toyotas?

Corollavirus.

Symptoms include fever, cough, really good gas mileage and you run for 250,000 miles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman couldn’t get a date and went to a doctor.

He couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so he sent her to another. She ended up going to several before one of them sent her to a Chinese doctor who was known to be able to diagnose anything.

When she went in, she explained that she was single, didn’t think she was too bad looking, but coul...

A man with the 'Rona disease

A man with the 'Rona disease
Threw caution and care to the breeze
No mask with his kin
He did them all in
With a sniffle a cough and a sneeze.

What do you call a doctor who is half-human, half-horse?

The Centaur for Disease Control and Prevention

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

Anti-vaxxers are heroes

They prevent diseases from going extinct.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

I don’t like diseases.

I avoid diseases like the plague.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Doctor comes to a patient with some bad news

Doctor: Your test results have returned and I'm afraid I have some bad news to tell-

Patient: I'm sick of you know-it-all doctors with your tests and treatments and drugs and diseases. I'm a proud practitioner of homeopathy, an astrologist, and an expert in horoscopes. Speak to me properly!...

What's the best part of having Alzheimer's disease?

You get to meet so many new people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

What kind of disease did the airport have?

A terminal illness.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the cure?

Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith. But let's try to stay focused.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

My na always told that a great disease would be coming

Guess she had a 2020 vision

“I’m sorry,” the doctor says, “you have rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “Will that cure me?” the patient asks.

“Well, no,” the doctor replies, “but it’s the only food that will fit under the door.”

Coronavirus came from Wuhan but it isn't the only disease to come from China

There's also the Wu Ping cough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes his wife of 35 years to the doctors office

His wife has not been acting herself lately and wanted to have her checked out. After a thorough work up by the doctor of his wife the doctor comes back into the lobby to speak with the husband.

Husband “What is it doc?”

Doctor “Well, we have narrowed it down to 1 of 2 diseases . It’...

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Western v Eastern medicine

A GI had caught a venereal disease while serving in overseas. His penis had become infected, red, and smelly.
The GI went to a doctor and he told him that amputation is the only option to cure it. Disillusioned the GI had a second opinion and was told again that amputation was the only option. <...

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees...

What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress?

One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.

Welp we got ourselves a new disease...

But suddenly a bunch of disorders don’t count as disorders anymore:
- OCD cleanliness
- agoraphobia
- antisocial personality

A Russian, a Texan, and a New Yorker walk into a restaurant in France

The hostess says “excuse me, due to a Mad Cow Disease there is a shortage of steak so we currently don’t have any.”

The Texan says “What’s a shortage?”

The Russian says “What’s a steak

The New Yorker says “What’s excuse me?”

Bob’s wife has an incurable, terminal disease

On her deathbed, she says to Bob:

"I don't mind if you remarry later, but I don't want the woman to put on my clothes."

"Don’t worry," Bob assured her.

"She is a lot taller."

What do you call the mythical creature that is half horse, half virologist?

The Centaur for disease control.

What goes well with Coronavirus?

Lime disease

^I'll ^^see ^^^myself ^^^^out

If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease...

Would that make him a dead man Walken?

What is the leading cause of liver disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh?

Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette’s

Now that’s gonna cause a lot of nervous tics

I’m a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.

It’s-a-me, Malario.

I don't understand why some people think obesity is a disease,

The only thing obese people and a disease have in common is that they are both easy to catch.

Hey did you hear about the gathering of St Patricks Day enthusiasts who all contracted a contagious skin disease?

Yeah they’re calling it Leper-con.

Disease are made of these...

Who am I to disagree? I've traveled the world now I'm quarantined, Every virus is looking for someone...

(Apologies to Annie Lennox and Dave Stewart)

What do you call a convict with a debilitating skin disease?

A Leper Con

A man goes to the doctor and after the exam the doctor says, “I have some bad news. You have a fatal disease.”

The man says, “Oh my God! Doc, how long have I got?”

The doctor replies, “10.”

The man cries, “I don’t understand…. Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?”

To which the Doctor replies, “Nine… eight… seven….”

Doctor: You have a disease that causes memory loss.

Me: Is it contagious?

Doctor: Is what contagious?

What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say?

What did the person with Alzheimer’s disease say?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators?

Gatoraids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

My next joke is called heart disease.

Statistically 2/3 of you won't get it.

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.

Can't say the same about Bieber though.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

South of the border is a sea of violence, hate, corruption, disease, and division I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

Cancer is a terrible disease

... but it grows on you

Thanksgiving will be extra special this year

Because people will be spreading diseases to each other, just like in the original.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what disease is really hard to beat?

Erectile dysfunction.

(This better be OC, I just thought of it as my pharmacist denied my viagra prescription)

I may have Alzheimer’s disease

... but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s disease!

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

What disease do all comedians have?

Sillyacts

I suffer from a heart disease that only afflicts liars.

IFib

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

What’s the best part about having Alzheimer’s disease?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

What is the most fearful disease for a fruit?

Lemon-AIDs

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

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