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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

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What happens when a bull gets the Mad cow disease?

He does some weird bullshit.

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

- You will have to be strong, sir. The results indicate that you have a very strong case of Roberts’s disease.

- oh, my. is it bad?
- we still don’t know, mr. Roberts.

What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

Did you hear about the mad cow disease outbreak?

It was udder pandemonium

2 cows were talking and one says, "Hey, have you heard about this mad cow disease?"

And the other one says, "Why are you asking me? I'm a helicopter."

What type of disease does Fonzie have?


I know a good joke about bacterial disease

But I dont want to spread it

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

A man goes to the doctor and finds out he has Addison’s disease

The man says, “I’ve never heard of this before. Is it serious?”

The doctor replies, “JFK actually had Addison’s disease, and well, it didn’t kill him”

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Two Conspiracy Theorists Die... they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it cures salmon?

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.
His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it ag...

Only anti-vaxxers kids will get this


Mad Cow Disease has been found to be transmitted to calves when being breastfed

It's udder insanity

Doctor said that there was good news and bad news.

The bad news is, I have a terminal disease. The good news is I have a disease named after me.

What are the three best things about Alzheimer's disease?

1. You can make new friends every day.
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3. You can make new friends every day.

My Doctor said, "Alcoholism is a disease."

My bartender said, "Get your shots here."

What do you get when you mix Tourette's and Lyme disease?

Verbal ticks.

My friend told me a joke about some noncommunicable disease..

But I didn't get it.

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

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A man had a rare disease that required his buttox to be removed

I was told after his surgery he got his ass handed to him

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ed Zachery Disease

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are eating dinner in a town where there has been a recent outbreak of Mad Cow disease.

When the waiter comes to take their order, Bill asks for a steak.

“But sir, what about the Mad Cow?” the waiter asks, concerned.

“Don’t worry,” Bill replies, “she’ll order for herself.”

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."...

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

If dating had a batting average.

I'd have Lou Gehrig's disease.

Which disease is most tragic for a mime?

Gesticular cancer.

What do you call a Disease which is #1 in Trending?

A Viral Disease.

What disease did Captain Hook fear most?

Jock itch

I recently came down with Matthew Mcconaughey's disease

Don't worry, I'm alright alright alright now.

Obesity is a disease that runs in the family

'Cause nobody runs in the family

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What do you call someone who died from a sexual disease?


Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

Why did the knife have a genetic disease?

It was in bread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with heart disease suspected his wife was cheating on him...

So he came home from work early one day to find the door locked so he unlocked it and walked in, all he found was his wife and laying in bed naked.

He lit his cigarette and took a look out the window to see a young man running out of the door pulling his pants up, the man picks up the mini fr...

Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpes.

It's a canerial disease.

It's untweetable.

Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

Preventing transmittable diseases.

Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while sh...

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease

They start making strange noises all the time and don't suck any more

Doctor, I think I have Tom Jones disease

Dr: it’s not unusual...

I made a YouTube video on diseases...

It went viral.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's Disease?

You meet so many new people.

Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne...

But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne

Q: What do you call a rock band with heart disease?

A: The Strokes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What disease do you have if you're great at making cocktails, but terrible at stealing tambourines?


"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

Terrible diseases...

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car.

She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the name of the disease that gives you a lot of assholes?


Which disease is least prevalent in Africa?


Did you hear about the guy with Lyme disease?

Yeah... he's ticked.

Yesterday, my grandpa bought a book called "how to prevent Alzheimer's disease"

He bought one today, too.

Nixon's disease

The First Lady starts having trouble in her lady areas, so she visits the gynecologist.

The gynecologist takes her into the exam room and asks her what she's having trouble with, and she notes an itching sensation.

So the doctor looks under a magnifying loupe and sees that she has a ca...

Have you heard about the girl with a hereditary disease that gives her diarrhea?

It runs in her jeans.

Is necrophilia a funereal disease?

I'm dying to know.

Doctors are reporting a new disease affecting commuters in New York.

It only appears to be affecting drivers traveling in groups through the Lincoln Holland Tunnels. The symptoms are pain in the hands and wrists.

Doctors are calling it Car Pool Tunnel syndrome.

A man gets a call from his doctor

The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"

The man says "Give me the good news first doc"

The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"

"Doctor, Doctor I think I have a disease" said the Lemon

"I'm so sorry to tell you this", replies the doctor, "You've got Lemonaids."

Arthritis is the cruelest disease of all. It makes a lot of your parts stiff

except the one you want.

Laziness is a disease....

What, you've never heard of To Rest Syndrome?

What kind of disease can you get from learning?

Training aids.

A doctor says to his patient, "I am afraid you have cancer and Alzheimer's disease."

The patient replies, "That sucks, but at least I don't have cancer!"

Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having

Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic

Dammit Otto, you have lupus

One of those doesn't sound right

RIP Mitch Hedberg

What does the man with celiac's disease say when he talks about his continued love of bread products?

I'm a gluten for punishment.

What's a neckbeard's favourite disease?


What do you call a disease that paralyzes half of a chickens face?

Bells Poultry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, Interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow Disease...

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what Causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?
The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull Screws a Cow only once a year?"

Lady : (embarrassed) "Well, that's a piece of valuable info,but
what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Dise...