One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”

The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a disease sexually transmitted through alligators?

Gatoraids

Sir, you've got a very rare disease

Me: "How rare?"

Doctor: "You pick the name"

My doctor said i have an auto-immune disease.

So can anybody suggest a good manual car?

Did you hear about the rapper who infected everyone with an autoimmune disease?

It was a lupus fiasco.

What disease is ravaging canada?

hepatitis eh

What disease does an unvaccinated astronaut get?

Appolio

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cleetus had a embarrassing disease

So he went to the doctor:

" Sho doc, I have this scratchy in me parts and I was thinking you may have some midicin to you know get thi old junk back on health"

The doctor examined him and diagnosed with an STD, he gave him some suppositories

" Alright Mr thoothill, this supposi...

What do you call a pig with a skin disease?

Hogwarts..

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Two cows are sitting in the field when one says, “Hey man, I’ve been hearing of bad stuff lately. Are you worried about this ‘mad cow disease’?”

The other cow starts to spin around with his hooves extended out and says, “Not me, pal. I’m a helicopter.”

HIV is a quite common disease

According to the statistics "One of Two and a half men gets it"

Why did the blind woman die from an easily curable disease?

She never went to see a doctor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Similar to Lou Gehrig's disease

So a woman walks into an Asian doctor's office and says and can't get a date, the doctor says "take all of your clothes off, crawl to the mirror at the back of the room, then back"

She's pissed but and does it anyways, the doctor says "ohhhh, uh huh..." once she hit the mirror and turned back...

Why are you not allowed to keep eagles that have a disease?

Because they are ill-eagle.

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

What’s religious Alzheimer’s Disease?

It’s when you forget everything but the guilt.

People say smoking will give you diseases.

What they don't know is that it cures salmon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens when a bull gets the Mad cow disease?

He does some weird bullshit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ed Zachary disease

A lady visits her doctor (Asian) and tells him she just can't get any sex.

The doctor tells her to take off all of her clothes and crawl from one side of the room and back

The lady thinks "this is pretty odd, but he's the doctor..." Strips down, and begins to crawl

As she reach...

What type of disease does Fonzie have?

Eeeyyyyyds!

A woman is suffering from a rare disease, so her doctor prescribes her Testosterone,

two pills a day. She is a little skeptical but she takes it nonetheless.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. The doctor asks her how she is feeling.

She responds, “Oh I’m quite alright, however I am noticing a bit of hair growth...”

The doctor then reassur...

What disease is running rampant in the Catholic Church?

Porkin' sons.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Conspiracy Theorists Die...

...as they stand before God waiting to be judged, God tells them that they each may ask him one question they have always wanted to be answered and he would answer it.

One of the conspiracy theorists steps forward and asks “who was REALLY behind 9/11?”

Before God can answer, the seco...

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

- You will have to be strong, sir. The results indicate that you have a very strong case of Roberts’s disease.

- oh, my. is it bad?
- we still don’t know, mr. Roberts.

I'd rather die than having Alzeheimer's disease.

I'd rather die than having Alzheimer's disease.

My sister was diagnosed with a terminal disease affecting the lungs...

The doctor said she only had 5 more years to live. Her last wish before she died was to go to Berkeley University. I thought it over for a while and said “To Berk You Go Sis!”

A warning to people with kidney disease.

Urine trouble.

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

Did you hear about the mad cow disease outbreak?

It was udder pandemonium

A man goes to the doctor and finds out he has Addison’s disease

The man says, “I’ve never heard of this before. Is it serious?”

The doctor replies, “JFK actually had Addison’s disease, and well, it didn’t kill him”

Everyone tells you that smoking causes disease

But do they tell you that it cures salmon?

The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!

Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.

After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live.
His wife tearfully says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget." They make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob asks his wife, "Can we do it ag...

I know a good joke about bacterial disease

But I dont want to spread it

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

What are the three best things about Alzheimer's disease?

1. You can make new friends every day.
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.
3. You can make new friends every day.

My Doctor said, "Alcoholism is a disease."

My bartender said, "Get your shots here."

My friend told me a joke about some noncommunicable disease..

But I didn't get it.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

What do you get when you mix Tourette's and Lyme disease?

Verbal ticks.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

Childhood Diseases

As the couple gets into bed for the first time the man tells the woman, “I've had some illnesses when I was young that has left me with some slight physical deformities, so please don't laugh.” He pulls down his trousers and his knees are severely deformed. He looks at the woman and says, “I had kne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man had a rare disease that required his buttox to be removed

I was told after his surgery he got his ass handed to him

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ed Zachery Disease

There once was a very distraught woman, who was upset because she had not had a date in quite some time. She decided she would seek the medical expertise of Dr. Kayoto, the very well-known Japanese sex therapist. After stepping into his office and explaining her problem, he asked her to take off all...

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

Bill and Hillary Clinton are eating dinner in a town where there has been a recent outbreak of Mad Cow disease.

When the waiter comes to take their order, Bill asks for a steak.

“But sir, what about the Mad Cow?” the waiter asks, concerned.

“Don’t worry,” Bill replies, “she’ll order for herself.”

Which disease is most tragic for a mime?

Gesticular cancer.

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

I recently came down with Matthew Mcconaughey's disease

Don't worry, I'm alright alright alright now.

What disease did Captain Hook fear most?

Jock itch

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."...

What do you call a Disease which is #1 in Trending?

A Viral Disease.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call someone who died from a sexual disease?

Gone-orrhea

If you could save a child from a horrible disease and a lifetime of misery, or have a light saber...

what color would you pick?

Obesity is a disease that runs in the family

'Cause nobody runs in the family

Why did the knife have a genetic disease?

It was in bread.

My anorexic friends try to convince me they have a very serious disease...

But their arguments don't seem to carry much weight.

What's the most exciting thing about Alzheimer's disease?

Answers:
- You can hide your own Easter eggs
- Everything
- To get to the other side
- You meet new people everyday
- what's the most exciting thing about Alzheimer's disease

A person has been infected by a disease that has made him unable to see well in dimly lit areas with his right eye.

The doctor proposes he receives a rod transplant in his right eye immediately and tells the surgeons.

Directly after the surgery, the patient asks the doctor, ‘Doctor, the surgery didn’t work, I am now unable to see anything and I even set off metal detectors accidentally.’

The doctor ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s great about dating a girl with Benjamin buttons disease

You get the senior citizen discount when you take her out. And her pussy gets a little tighter each day.

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

Have you heard the disease you get from kissing birds?

It's called Chirpes.

It's a canerial disease.

It's untweetable.

Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with heart disease suspected his wife was cheating on him...

So he came home from work early one day to find the door locked so he unlocked it and walked in, all he found was his wife and laying in bed naked.

He lit his cigarette and took a look out the window to see a young man running out of the door pulling his pants up, the man picks up the mini fr...

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."

"My minds made up." I insisted.

"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

Preventing transmittable diseases.

Miss Beatrice,
the church organist,
was in her eighties
and had never married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while sh...

Proventative measures for preventing disease from biting insects

Don't bite them.

More and more married women are being diagnosed with aged vacuum disease

They start making strange noises all the time and don't suck any more

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Doctor, I think I have Tom Jones disease

Dr: it’s not unusual...

Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne...

But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What disease do you have if you're great at making cocktails, but terrible at stealing tambourines?

Parkinsons

My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car.

She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!

Terrible diseases...

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals defor...

I made a YouTube video on diseases...

It went viral.

Which disease is least prevalent in Africa?

Obesity

Yesterday, my grandpa bought a book called "how to prevent Alzheimer's disease"

He bought one today, too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the name of the disease that gives you a lot of assholes?

Reddit

Did you hear about the guy with Lyme disease?

Yeah... he's ticked.

A man gets a call from his doctor

The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"

The man says "Give me the good news first doc"

The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"