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A blonde woman asks a dairy farmer to sell her 40 gallons of milk.

“Certainly, ma’am. Might I ask why you need so much milk?”

The blonde replies: “I’m going to take a bath in it...”

“Ok... no problem” he says. “Do you want it pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my boobs.” She responds. “I can splash it above my eyes.”

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My father owns a bakery and a dairy farm.

It's his bread and butter.

How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?

Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

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What do a prostitute and a Vegan dairy farmer have in common?

They both make a living milking nuts.

I was thinking about making a dairy joke

But that would have been a bit too cheesy...

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You’ll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

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I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts and I'm vegan. What can I get?

**Waiter:** The fuck outta here.

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I have a dairy farm

I have a dairy farm I named Dairy Air.

Now it’s the butt of every joke.

Why is it risky for kids with dairy allergies to attend Christmas Eve church services?

There's a whey in the manger.

What did Hagrid say to Tinkerbell when she started working at Dairy Queen?

You're a Blizzard fairy!

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy

The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

I found a church where they include dairy with communion.

They call it "Cheeses of Nazareth"

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.

A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly t...

I just inherited a dairy farm

I dont like it but I'm going to milk it for all its worth!!!

Some kid just threw a bottle of milk and a block of cheese at me.

How dairy!

What is Thanos' favorite dairy product?

Half and Half

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic

The mechanic tells the penguin it'll be about 30min to diagnose. The penguin decides to go across the street to Dairy Queen. Gets a sundae. Eats the sundae using his flippers like any penguin would... He waddles back across the street to the mechanic's shop. The mechanic says "OH, well it looks...

My new girlfriend told me she doesn’t eat dairy products.

I said “No whey!”

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What do you call a lactose intolerant pornstar...

A non-dairy creamer.

I finally found a recipe that is gluten free, fat free, dairy free and contains no sugar.

It’s a breath of fresh air.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a White Russian.

"This tastes a little funny," the guy complains. "Has your dairy gone off?" The irritated bartender grabs the carton of milk and checks the expiration date stamped on the side. "It says here that it doesn't expire until this coming Friday," the bartender says. "That means my milk has a date for Vale...

What do you get when you cross a joke with a celestial Greek dairy product?

Apollo cheese for the punchline.

What do you call a girl who makes a lot of breast milk?

Dairy Queen

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

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A drunk man goes to Dairy Queen.

He walks up to the counter and says to the attendant "I'll have a (hic) banana split, with peanuts."

The attendant realizes he's drunk and rudely asks "sir, do you want your nuts crushed?"

The drunk without missing a beat says, "Hell no, do you want your titty twisted off?!?"

Two dairy farmers are walking through the creamery when suddenly one of them slips and falls in a large vat of milk...

...the other one yells angrily, "get out of there, it's pasteurized!"

And the farmer in the vat shouts back, "no it's not......It's only just past my waist!"

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A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.

So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.

It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him w...

My friends told me I could never milk a unicorn

After searching for 30 years, I finally found one, and milked it.

It was Legend Dairy

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

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A thief walked into a shop

I saw a thief walk into a shop and steal milk and butter.

How dairy

Smartphones are a lot like dairy cows...

They become more valuable with increased mammary space.

What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?

A drama dairy.




\[My brother answered "A male one", which might be funnier.\]

"Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy."

"No whey, man."

My hayfever makes me sneeze like my dairy intolerance makes me fart.

I hate my analogies.

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

What do you call an Arab who built his wealth by selling dairy products?

A milk-sheikh

Where does a cow fart come from?

The dairy air

I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen.

I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers?

Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent. It's being called an udder shame.

Vegans don't beat their meat

They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?

Because they lactose.

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

Why did the dairy farmer decide not to start growing weed near the cows?

The steaks would be too high

Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?

He didn't work well with udders.

Did you hear about the terrorist attack on the dairy / cow farm?

It was an udder disaster.

Finally found out why dairy cows lose their balance so easily

They lactose

I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant with my friend Sara.

She had recently been diagnosed lactose intolerant, and hadn't eaten dairy in months, so I was a little surprised she wanted to eat there.

Before the server could even ask if we wanted an appetizer, Sara blurted out "I haven't had cheese in forever. Bring us a cheese dip, and don't even bothe...

My vegetarian girlfriend started a diet where she has cut out gluten, dairy, and preservatives.

It’s not all that bad though, because recently she’s been eating more nuts.

What do you call a dairy cow that doesn't produce milk?

An udder failure

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That milkman just called me a fat bitch!

How dairy!

A farmer notices his dairy cows aren't producing as much milk as they used to.

So the farmer decides to sell them to the butcher in town. The farmer and the butcher exchange plesantries and start to discuss prices for both cows. The butcher notices a strange smell and asks the farmer if he smells it too. The farmer says that on his way over with the cows his back started to ac...

Would you believe my protein powder is dairy free?

No whey!

What do you call mythical cheese?

Legend dairy

Did you know you can't go into a Kosher kitchen if you're having an argument with dairy?

Because then you would be having beef with cheese.

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Dairy product truck clashed and everything inside went flying out.

That's when I saw butter fly.

Once lived a man with his mother, who dreamt of buying a car everyday.

But those were hard times. Money was scarce. Jobs weren't easy to get. So, he applied to work as a worker in a dairy factory, coz who doesn't want to have milk, but soon realised with his monthly wages, it'll take him 10 years to save enough money for the car.

Next, he applied in a newspaper ...

A Chinese dairy company offered an American couple a tour of China...

A Chinese dairy company offered an American couple a tour of China. The conditions were quite simple: the couple had to wear and use merchandise from the dairy company and that they had to stay with the company's marketing team throughout the tour. Of course, the couple accepted the offer.

Up...

An Arab prince acquires a dairy farm

He's known far and wide as the Milk Sheikh

Why is Dairy Queen always in a bad mood?

Because she's married to Mister Softee.

I just found out they made a heart-shaped dairy-lovers pizza

Too cheesy for me though

Have you heard about the troupe of actors who supported themselves by making and selling camel milk cheese?

The called themselves the Drama Dairy.

So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...

They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.

The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.

The psychologist then says that if the walls were...

Why do French men enjoy the Wisconsin country side?

They love that Dairy Air!

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and...

Just watched the news and a guy in the UK proposed to his wife with the ring on the udder of a cow.

How dairy.

How do you keep a vegan from eating all your dairy?

Invite two of them.

What do you get when you cross a dairy farmer with someone who moulds and fires clay?

A dairy potter.

What does it smell like when a cow farts?

Dairy-air

A dairy farmer runs into his neighbor at the feed store...

"How's everything going?" the neighbor asks.

"Not too bad" the farmer replies, "but a couple of of my cows have had terrible flatulence lately; the smell is almost too much to bear."

The neighbor laughs, "I know what you mean. A few years ago one of my horses had the very same problem...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

I was in the supermarket the other day

My mum sent me in to get the essentials bread, milk etc.

So I got the bread, sugar, fruit and I made my way done to the milk aisle.

But I saw this old man, throwing cheese and milk everywhere.

I thought, how dairy...

An evangelical dairy farmer stopped by my house on Sunday

He wanted to talk about Cheeses.

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