The 94+ Best Dairy Jokes

What do you call a wizard who specializes in dairy based magic?

A lactomancer.

If Cinderella had been a dairy maid she would have been called...

Mozzarella!

You hear about the kid who lost the spelling bee on the word "dairy"?

...I told him there's no use crying over misspelled milk.

I tried to eat dairy free for a month, but it only worked at my Mom's house.

Everywhere else, they charge for it.

Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<

Dear dairy:

I have dislexya.

I was waking down the street today and a man attacked me with milk and cheese

How dairy!

Milk production on a dairy farm has slowed down…

Management needs to figure out what’s going wrong, so they hire three consultants. A psychologist, an engineer, and a physicist.

The psychologist spends a few days wandering the fields before returning to the farmer and saying “The cows are stressed tf out. Give them a window for natural ligh...

Two dairy farmers are in a bar talking shop.

Dairy farmer 1: I’ve discovered a method of making cheese that results in 100% curds.

Dairy farmer 2: no whey!

An old man shuffled into a dairy bar

He got slowly and painfully up onto a stool. He ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?” “No, arthritis.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got into a street fight with the dairy cartel...

...Being lactose intolerant, I immediately knew shit was about to go down.

What did they call the arab dairy farmer who became the chief?

A milk sheikh

Figured I had 6 min for my cake day, and for some reason that was the joke that popped in my head

Today i got some milk

And i actually went back home. But my son drank it all. How dairy!?

What the the dairy farmer say to the Mandalorian?

This is the whey.

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy tracked down his long lost father and arranged to meet him at a dairy queen.

He got there and they started to hit it off.

Everything was going really well, they were bonding and getting to know each other.

Then my buddy’s dad explained how he lost both his feet during the war.

My buddy lost his shit, went crazy, started throwing things and was thrown o...

I saw a guy pour a pint of milk out on the floor the other day,

I thought, how dairy!

I am opening a bar that only serves milk stouts

I am calling it Brew Dairymore

A young blind man is staring vacantly at the dairy aisle at the grocers.

A staff member comes up and asks if she can help him.

“Yes, ma’am. Can you tell me what milk is?” She seems perplexed but answers “well, milk is a white drink.”

“Ahh, now I know what a drink is… but what is white?” The woman is further unsure of the whole situation but thinks and says ...

A Dairy Farmer got into the healthy Oat Milk business.

He *barley* made ends meet.

A guy limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

The attendant began to make it for him and said "Crushed nuts?" And the guy said, No, I just have a bad knee."

Supermarket franchise moves into small town

A big, nationwide operating grocery franchise opened a store in a small, rural town in the midwest. Since there was only a local farmers store across the street, the manager decided to bankrupt the local store and monopolize on the town. So he approached potential customers at the door of the local...

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper!

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

What is the dairy farmer’s favorite Disney movie?

Moo-ana

Got fired from my new job at the dairy factory for making 1% milk the wrong way...

...instead of following the directions exactly, I just skimmed them.

The lobby of my local Dairy Queen was closed due to short staff.

They should've hired taller employees

(Joke brought to you by my 9yo sister)

What do you call a ship carrying dairy cows?

A Galleon of Milk

Met my first Mandalorian today

He was a Wisconsin dairy farmer, took me on a tour of a Mando dairy. First, he showed me the snack curd-making facility, then pointed and said,

“This is the whey.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: “what God has joined let no man put asunder.” The groom interrupted: “what’s asunder?”

The preacher said “apart.” The farmer said “a part of what?” “Apart from your wife” said the now frustrated minister. The groom said “shit! I already got a part from her.”

Dairy Queen should have had a Harry Potter promotion.

You're a blizzard Dairy.

Why are dairy farmers non-monogamous?

They see udders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

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A blonde woman asks a dairy farmer to sell her 40 gallons of milk.

“Certainly, ma’am. Might I ask why you need so much milk?”

The blonde replies: “I’m going to take a bath in it...”

“Ok... no problem” he says. “Do you want it pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my boobs.” She responds. “I can splash it above my eyes.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happen at after you go to Jack in the box, Dairy Queen and Burger King?

You take a royal flush.

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers? Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent.

It's Being Called An Udder Shame.

What did the dairy farmers say when they saw godzilla?

Muenster!!!

What do you get when you cross a rock'n'roller with a triangle of cheese spread?

DairyLea Lewis

It is really tough being a dairy farmer.

You make money by the skim of your teat!

Did you hear about the cow...

... that gave world class, 1st prize winning milk?

Yeah, it was legen-dairy.

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You’ll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

Dear Dairy,

Stop telling everyone I'm dyslexic every time I write you these letters!

-Joe

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

How do you call the greatest milk ever produced?

Legendairy

What do they call the side effects of lactose intolerance in France?

Smelly derriere (dairy air)

I just inherited a dairy farm

I dont like it but I'm going to milk it for all its worth!!!

My new girlfriend told me she doesn’t eat dairy products.

I said “No whey!”

Have you heard about the most famous cow in history?

It was Legen-Dairy

I was thinking about making a dairy joke

But that would have been a bit too cheesy...

What did Hagrid say to Tinkerbell when she started working at Dairy Queen?

You're a Blizzard fairy!

Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer

Not your dairy insect

An ant was walking around when it found a 5inch ant of his very same species:

- Why are youso big, it asked
- I drink a lot of milk

"Lactose in taller ant"

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy

The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a prostitute and a Vegan dairy farmer have in common?

They both make a living milking nuts.

What are milk farmers attracted to?

A nice dairy air.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father owns a bakery and a dairy farm.

It's his bread and butter.

Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?

Because they lactose.

What is Thanos' favorite dairy product?

Half and Half

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart...

... We are supposed to be shelf isolating!

Today marks 4 weeks of isolation. Been running 2.5 miles a day, drinking 2 gallons of water, cut out ALL meat, sugar, dairy and flour. I feel great! Zero alcohol, a healthy vegan diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 30 minute home workout each day.

I have no idea who originally posted this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy & paste!

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

Why wasn't the milk invited to the dairy party?

It was too basic.

"Hey bro, so I just got diagnosed with a dairy allergy."

"No whey, man."

I found a church where they include dairy with communion.

They call it "Cheeses of Nazareth"

I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen.

I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a dairy farm

I have a dairy farm I named Dairy Air.

Now it’s the butt of every joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.

So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.

It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts and I'm vegan. What can I get?

**Waiter:** The fuck outta here.

Did you hear about the farmer that failed dairy farming school?

He didn't work well with udders.

Jane and Agent Six went shopping at the supermarket in silence.

As they strolled past the dairy section, Agent Six noticed that they had an interesting sale, "Buy between 1 and 3 eggs for only $5." He turns to Jane and says "What an odd deal, do you have any idea what that's about? I know we needed some more to replace the ones my Partner ate yesterday, but I'm ...

Why is it risky for kids with dairy allergies to attend Christmas Eve church services?

There's a whey in the manger.

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

A Sliced Dairy Product

There was once a man named Ani. Ani was a long-time comedian. He had been running both a YouTube and a Twitter account for an entire decade, and did stand-up in bars and comedy clubs. Everywhere he went, he was showered with praise for his originality and dedication. On one 17th of August, however, ...

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.

A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk man goes to Dairy Queen.

He walks up to the counter and says to the attendant "I'll have a (hic) banana split, with peanuts."

The attendant realizes he's drunk and rudely asks "sir, do you want your nuts crushed?"

The drunk without missing a beat says, "Hell no, do you want your titty twisted off?!?"

Why did the dairy farmer decide not to start growing weed near the cows?

The steaks would be too high

Old man drinks milk and gets gas.

He has a problem with his dairy air.

So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...

They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.

The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.

The psychologist then says that if the walls were...

I just found out they made a heart-shaped dairy-lovers pizza

Too cheesy for me though

My hayfever makes me sneeze like my dairy intolerance makes me fart.

I hate my analogies.

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

What do you get when you cross a joke with a celestial Greek dairy product?

Apollo cheese for the punchline.

Two dairy farmers are walking through the creamery when suddenly one of them slips and falls in a large vat of milk...

...the other one yells angrily, "get out of there, it's pasteurized!"

And the farmer in the vat shouts back, "no it's not......It's only just past my waist!"

Did you hear about the terrorist attack on the dairy / cow farm?

It was an udder disaster.

A farmer notices his dairy cows aren't producing as much milk as they used to.

So the farmer decides to sell them to the butcher in town. The farmer and the butcher exchange plesantries and start to discuss prices for both cows. The butcher notices a strange smell and asks the farmer if he smells it too. The farmer says that on his way over with the cows his back started to ac...

Why is Dairy Queen always in a bad mood?

Because she's married to Mister Softee.

My vegetarian girlfriend started a diet where she has cut out gluten, dairy, and preservatives.

It’s not all that bad though, because recently she’s been eating more nuts.

Did you know you can't go into a Kosher kitchen if you're having an argument with dairy?

Because then you would be having beef with cheese.

Finally found out why dairy cows lose their balance so easily

They lactose

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