Received a christmas card todah, inside there was nothing but grains of rice.

It was from Uncle Ben.

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy...

I replied, "Sounds like a whiskey buisness."

I was thinking of making puns about grain...

But most people can *barley* stand it.

​

Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, "*Rye* did you do this?" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry

What do you call the single grain of corn on the tree?

Acorn

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

I always take life with a grain of salt

plus a slice of lemon...

...and a shot of tequila.

How did the Jewish man make grain into beer?

Hebrew

A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make..

..the ultimate sack of rice."

In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of...

Coke

I got in the way at the silo when they were pouring grain.

I got all wheat.

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?

Some Somalian has been up all night puking.

What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?

A riceist.

(It sounds better when you say it aloud)

If u stand in the pouring grain....

Your gonna get all wheat!

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

IT REALLY BREAKS MY HEART....

This event earlier this day reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his ca...

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

A mans car breaks down near a monastery.

Greeted by monks, they offer him shelter for the night and to fix his car. While sleeping in the spare bedroom, he hears a knock on the wall

*Thud*

He asked them the next day while they treated him to breakfast in bed. What was the knock?

"We can't tell you, you're not a monk."<...

A hunter walks into a bar

A hunter walks into a bar and says, "I'm the best hunter there ever was. You hand me a hide, I'll tell you what animal it came from, what killed it, and I'll do it blindfolded."
The bartender blindfolds him and hands him an animal skin. He handles it for a few minutes, and then he says, "Bear."...

Two blondes went out deer hunting...

...and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll...

My doctor says I should cut back on sodium

...but I dunno, I take everything she says with a grain of salt.

A man walks into the doctor's office and says 'Doctor, I have this terrible fear that I'm going to be eaten by a chicken.'

I feel like a grain of corn trapped in a man's body.'

The doctor says 'Don't worry, we can help you.'

Months go by and after many therapies the doctor says 'We've done everything we could to help you and now I can safely say that you don't feel like a grain anymore.'

The man s...

What does a vegan zombie eats?

Grains.

What do you call bread from heaven?

100% holy grain

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

A child asks why their name is...

A mother and father are going through baby photos with their three children when the first child looks up to his mother and asks...

"Momma, why did you call me Sand?"

And the mother replies, "Well, we named you Sand because when you were born a grain of sand landed on your forehead"...

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the d...

What is worse than a pebble in your shoe?

A grain of sand in the condom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time...

A man was driving through a rural countryside when his car got a flat. The only building within miles was a monestary. He walked up the steps, knocked on the huge wooden doors, and explained his situation to the monks. The monks were more than helpful. They sent a message to the nearest road station...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Maria had 3 children, snowflake, sand, and brick.

One day snowflake goes to her mom and asks her: Mom, why am I called snowflake? Then the mother replies: Because when you were born, a snowflake fell on your head. The next day goes Sand and asks: Mom, why am I called Sand? And the mother replies: Because when you were born, a small grain of sand f...

I used to have a girlfriend who, whenever she had a bad headache, would go into the cupboard, find my oats I'd normally eat for breakfast and then throw them in the garbage.

Apparently she couldn't cope with my grains.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 20 year old man visited his 100 year old grandmother

The 20 year old asked what was her secret to living so long.
His grandmother replied, "I will tell you if you do one thing for me, tell me how grains of sand on every beach in the entire world!"
The 20 year old planning to travel the world took this challenge and set off counting every grain ...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

The small European country of Germania

Few people know the rich history of the small European country of Germania. It was an all-male country, and females were barred entry. Any female found within its borders would be sentenced to prison for life. The men reproduced outside the country, and were only allowed to bring their male offsprin...

If at first you don't succeed...

Try a grain.

A man was driving home from work when his car broke down in front of a monastery... [LONG]

He knocked on the door and a monk answered. The man said “Mr. monk sir, my car has broken down.” So the monks fixed up his car, fed him, and gave him a place to sleep. At around midnight the man woke up to a deep ominous noise, and it made it hard for him to fall asleep, but he eventually did. When ...

A man’s car breaks down on a dim lot road in the middle of no where.

He calls a mechanic to come but he won’t be able to get to him till the next morning and it’s getting quite cold. He gets out his car and starts walking down the road to see if he can find anyone to help him. About 5 minutes down the road he finds a monastery with some monks in. They invite him in a...

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 men are wandering trough a desert.

3 men are wandering lost and hungry through a desert.
They've all but given up hope to make it out alive when they stumble upon a golden lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up and start rubbing the sand off of it. As the last grain of sand falls off the lamp a magical genie appears and with ...

I got accused of stealing Sodium Chloride today.

I took it with a Grain of Salt.

What it the most popular food in the world?

I think it's salt but you should take it with a grain of salt.
-- (Be gentle I made it up...)

When you go off gluten...

...you really go against the grain!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asked her students...

A teacher asked her 4th grade students a question every Thursday afternoon at the end of the day saying if they got it right they would not need to come to school Friday.

The first week she asks "how many stars in the galaxy?" No students had the answer.

The next week she asks"how many...

The Monk's Secret

A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere one night. He sees a sign that says "Monastery 1 mile" and decides maybe they'll let him stay for a night or two while he figures out where to get the car fixed. He goes inside and the monks feed him dinner and let him stay the night. All night the ma...

A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa...

His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the wi...

Ever heard about the bread theif that always has a headache?

He's got my grains.

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay t...

I take ice...

with a grain of salt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went on vacation to Thailand once...

...unfortunately something went wrong with the booking of the hotel. His room (and any room for that matter) wouldn't be available until tomorrow. The receptionist told the man that if he asked nicely he might be permitted to stay one night in the local temple along with the monks. So the man made h...

Farmer meets with Banker annually

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year's output to plan out expenses for the year.

When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing's wrong, had ...

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

Some of the jokes on this sub are selling me wheat,

They're giving me my grain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

What's the difference between LSD, and the church of LDS?

One to take with a sugar cube, the other you take with a grain of salt.

You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education.

I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom...

She announces to the class that on Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who gives the right answer can skip school on Monday.

So, on the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are at the beach?" Well, the kids looked at one another, but no one had the answ...

There Was Small City Known For Its Dumb People

After being mocked for generations for having the dumbest people around, the city decides to do an open invitation for tourists to come and visit so that they can see for themselves that the rumors are only a myth.

People from all over the world come. Mayors of other cities, even some foreign...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Farmer goes to market

A poor country farmer needed to get grain for his cow, so he decided to take a rooster and a hen to the local market for trade. He got on his donkey, and his wife handed him the poultry, one held tightly in each of his arms. The donkey was stubborn, but a few scratches behind the ears by his wife go...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A millennial shows up at an employment agency.

He goes: "Hi, I'm looking for a job, and despite the stereotype, I'm willing to do anything and start from the bottom.

The agent goes "well, there's a farm that needs help with loading some grain sacks."

"Ah, well, that sounds very tiring, and it probably involves being in the sun or t...

An old blonde joke I was told years ago.

A blond driving down a rural road sees a wheat field and notices something strange, another blonde that appears to be swimming.

She pulls over, stands at the field and yells, "Excuse me what are you doing?". The other one replies, "I heard about the these amber waves of grain in a song and w...

Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia

Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN

Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS

Communist China:
SEND BELTS

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Poor Pig Farmer

Once a man passed by a pig farm and asked the farmer what he fed them. The farmer responded, "I just give them left-overs and whatever edible garbage they can eat". The man said "I'm sorry, Mr. Farmer, I belong to the animal humane society and you should not be feeding them that". The man slapped th...

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant...

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?"

The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?"

The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?"<...

I hate cereal killers

they go against the grain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few one liners from over the years

If you can't be kind, at least be vague

Before the invented baseballs, how did they measure hail

Rehab is for quitters

If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't go to yours

I've got three wonderful children. 60% isn't too bad

If your not part of t...

Why did the man who stole my crops take aspirin?

Because he had my grains

Satan Visits Three Men on a Boat

Note: This works with any race or ethnic background, but I will tell it as I first heard it.



There are three men on a boat. A Macedonian, a Bulgarian, and an Albanian. Mr. Satan shows up and tells them that he will kill them if they can't throw something he can't find into the ocean....