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Have you seen the movie about the astronaut who has to grow fields of wheat using only his piss?

It's called "Urine For A World Of Grain".

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A man is driving down the road....

.....and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unli...

A man has 3 children: “Sandy”, “Snowy” and “Bricky”.

One night he is watching television, Snowy approaches him and ask: “Why is my name snowy?”

The father replies: “Because when you were born, a little snow flake posed on your head and your mother though it was beautiful”

The other day, Sandy approaches his dad and asks him: “Why is my n...

A man was arrested while running in a wheat field.

.

.

He was charged for going against the grain.

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Found this on AskReddit

A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens. Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken ...

Adultery and grains of rice

In a European country, in the 1930's, a man and a woman just got married. As they want to avoid any argument, they decide to ignore any cheating. But, as a confession, each time they have an affair, they have to put a grain of rice into a box. The two boxes would be opened in their old days.

...

Once there is a Family Mom, Snow Flake, Grain of sand and Cinder block

Snow Flake asks her mom "Mom why did you call me Snow Flake?"
And her mom replies " Because when you were born a snow flake fell on your forehead."
Then Grain of sand asks "Mom why did you call me Grain of sand?"
And then mom replies " Because when you were born a grain of sand fell on your...

Two farmers are arguing over their produce.

Farmer 1-"That's my grain!"
Farmer 2-"No that's my grain!"

A third farmer a bit aways walks in

Farmer 3-"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other"

What do vegan zombies eat?

Grains

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Little Johnny

One day a teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that every Friday she will ask a question to the class and whoever answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" needl...

A man is walking in a storm, alone and lost. He then comes upon a Monastery.

Having no place to go, the poor man approaches the wooden desolate door of the old Monastery and knocks upon the door. The door opens to a rather withered old Monk, who greets the man. “I am the Head Monk of this monastery. Can I help you?” The man asks for refuge overnight and is taken up into the ...

I am a vegetarian!!

I just let the cows and chickens eat the grains and green stuff first before I eat them.

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3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.

A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.

They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.

The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.

"who goes there!? Get off my far...

I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky.

He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain.

A man's car breaks down in the middle of a snow storm

While searching for help he finds a temple. The man knocks on the door and an old monk comes and greets him

Man: Hay can you please help, my car broke down in the middle of the snow storm

Monk: Yes of course please come in

The man enters the temple and is given food, water and a...

I would make a bread joke but...

Would would I *GRAIN* from it?

Did you hear about the guy who got a headache after stealing wheat from my farm?

He got my grain

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

Received a christmas card todah, inside there was nothing but grains of rice.

It was from Uncle Ben.

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Need your eggs fertilized this Easter?

I've got a cock for that. Just needs grains 2x a day.

A hunter walks into a bar

A hunter walks into a bar and says, "I'm the best hunter there ever was. You hand me a hide, I'll tell you what animal it came from, what killed it, and I'll do it blindfolded."
The bartender blindfolds him and hands him an animal skin. He handles it for a few minutes, and then he says, "Bear."...

What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

A man walks into the doctor's office and says 'Doctor, I have this terrible fear that I'm going to be eaten by a chicken.'

I feel like a grain of corn trapped in a man's body.'

The doctor says 'Don't worry, we can help you.'

Months go by and after many therapies the doctor says 'We've done everything we could to help you and now I can safely say that you don't feel like a grain anymore.'

The man s...

A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy...

I replied, "Sounds like a whiskey buisness."

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

A mans car breaks down near a monastery.

Greeted by monks, they offer him shelter for the night and to fix his car. While sleeping in the spare bedroom, he hears a knock on the wall

*Thud*

He asked them the next day while they treated him to breakfast in bed. What was the knock?

"We can't tell you, you're not a monk."<...

My doctor says I should cut back on sodium

...but I dunno, I take everything she says with a grain of salt.

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

Two blondes went out deer hunting...

...and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll...

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Once upon a time...

A man was driving through a rural countryside when his car got a flat. The only building within miles was a monestary. He walked up the steps, knocked on the huge wooden doors, and explained his situation to the monks. The monks were more than helpful. They sent a message to the nearest road station...

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make..

..the ultimate sack of rice."

I always take life with a grain of salt

plus a slice of lemon...

...and a shot of tequila.

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of...

Coke

What is worse than a pebble in your shoe?

A grain of sand in the condom.

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

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A 20 year old man visited his 100 year old grandmother

The 20 year old asked what was her secret to living so long.
His grandmother replied, "I will tell you if you do one thing for me, tell me how grains of sand on every beach in the entire world!"
The 20 year old planning to travel the world took this challenge and set off counting every grain ...

What do you call the single grain of corn on the tree?

Acorn

I was thinking of making puns about grain...

But most people can *barley* stand it.



Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, "*Rye* did you do this?" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

If at first you don't succeed...

Try a grain.

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the d...

How did the Jewish man make grain into beer?

Hebrew

A man was driving home from work when his car broke down in front of a monastery... [LONG]

He knocked on the door and a monk answered. The man said “Mr. monk sir, my car has broken down.” So the monks fixed up his car, fed him, and gave him a place to sleep. At around midnight the man woke up to a deep ominous noise, and it made it hard for him to fall asleep, but he eventually did. When ...

I used to have a girlfriend who, whenever she had a bad headache, would go into the cupboard, find my oats I'd normally eat for breakfast and then throw them in the garbage.

Apparently she couldn't cope with my grains.

A child asks why their name is...

A mother and father are going through baby photos with their three children when the first child looks up to his mother and asks...

"Momma, why did you call me Sand?"

And the mother replies, "Well, we named you Sand because when you were born a grain of sand landed on your forehead"...

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3 men are wandering trough a desert.

3 men are wandering lost and hungry through a desert.
They've all but given up hope to make it out alive when they stumble upon a golden lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up and start rubbing the sand off of it. As the last grain of sand falls off the lamp a magical genie appears and with ...

A man’s car breaks down on a dim lot road in the middle of no where.

He calls a mechanic to come but he won’t be able to get to him till the next morning and it’s getting quite cold. He gets out his car and starts walking down the road to see if he can find anyone to help him. About 5 minutes down the road he finds a monastery with some monks in. They invite him in a...

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa...

His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the wi...

What it the most popular food in the world?

I think it's salt but you should take it with a grain of salt.
-- (Be gentle I made it up...)

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A teacher asked her students...

A teacher asked her 4th grade students a question every Thursday afternoon at the end of the day saying if they got it right they would not need to come to school Friday.

The first week she asks "how many stars in the galaxy?" No students had the answer.

The next week she asks"how many...

The Wong Brothers

In ancient China lived the Wong brothers, three wise men who studied the arts of magic. Wong Wan could create beautiful tapestries with the tiniest bit of thread, and Wong Tsu could miraculously make crops grow in barren soil. Wong Lee, however, was much more sinister than his brothers. His magic co...

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

I got accused of stealing Sodium Chloride today.

I took it with a Grain of Salt.

When you go off gluten...

...you really go against the grain!

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One Wednesday, a teacher says to her students,

"Whoever can answer this next question correctly can go home for the day." Naturally the entire class sits up and pays attention at the possibility of skipping the whole day, particularly the class nerd.

She slams her hand on the desk for emphasis and says, "How many drops of water are ther...

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay t...

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A man went on vacation to Thailand once...

...unfortunately something went wrong with the booking of the hotel. His room (and any room for that matter) wouldn't be available until tomorrow. The receptionist told the man that if he asked nicely he might be permitted to stay one night in the local temple along with the monks. So the man made h...

Ever heard about the bread theif that always has a headache?

He's got my grains.

Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

Donald Trump announced plans to stop subsidizing the corn industry

He's making America grain again.

Farmer meets with Banker annually

The Farmer has to meet with the banker, talk about the crops for the year, talk about grain prices, and try to forecast the year's output to plan out expenses for the year.

When the banker arrives at the farm he notices a very tame and friendly pig, running around as if nothing's wrong, had ...

I take ice...

with a grain of salt

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Geologists may not always get along, but when the schist hits the fan...

Its coarse-grained, metamorphic layers can be split into thin irregular plates from the impact.

You know, I'm really glad Ben Carson didn't end up being Secretary of Education.

I really didn't want our kids learning that the food pyramid was built to store grain.

What's the difference between LSD, and the church of LDS?

One to take with a sugar cube, the other you take with a grain of salt.

There Was Small City Known For Its Dumb People

After being mocked for generations for having the dumbest people around, the city decides to do an open invitation for tourists to come and visit so that they can see for themselves that the rumors are only a myth.

People from all over the world come. Mayors of other cities, even some foreign...

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Farmer goes to market

A poor country farmer needed to get grain for his cow, so he decided to take a rooster and a hen to the local market for trade. He got on his donkey, and his wife handed him the poultry, one held tightly in each of his arms. The donkey was stubborn, but a few scratches behind the ears by his wife go...

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A millennial shows up at an employment agency.

He goes: "Hi, I'm looking for a job, and despite the stereotype, I'm willing to do anything and start from the bottom.

The agent goes "well, there's a farm that needs help with loading some grain sacks."

"Ah, well, that sounds very tiring, and it probably involves being in the sun or t...

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