Grain Jokes - 88 Hilarious Grain Jokes

Where do grains of wheat sleep?

In a breadroom

What do you call a musician who carries grain for living?

Hall n' oates.

What did the grain of dust say when i turned on the vacuum?

This sucks!

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

What do you call a stupid grain?

A half wheat!

Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist?

Hall'n Oates

What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc]

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

What do you call the single grain of corn on the tree?

Acorn

What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

Grains

What do you call a grain murderer?

A Cereal Killer

Two Grains of Sand...

Two grains of sand go on a trip to the beach. One says to the other, “Jesus, it’s crowded here!”

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Why does Darth Vader prefer coarse-grain pepper?

He hates it when it's high ground.

Why doth Abraham not bringeth his grain to the spelling bee?

For it was already spelt.

I was thinking of making puns about grain...

But most people can *barley* stand it.

Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, "*Rye* did you do this?" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

How did the Jewish man make grain into beer?

Hebrew

Why did the guy who can't spell very well get excited when he read about the new law that was passed allowing increased grain exports from women-owned companies?

Because they were barley legal.

what did the grain of salt say to the doctor?

Doc I think I tore NACL

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

What do Vegan Zombies Crave?

GRAINS !!!!

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make..

..the ultimate sack of rice."

My law firm specializes in grain futures contracts.

Barley Legal

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

It is a little known fact that the Dutch pioneered genetic engineering.

Back in the 80s they had genetically engineered a strain of grain that ended up making musical tones when the wind blew across it.

They trade marked it as Holland Oats.

The United Nations refused to recognize the trade mark, saying "I can't go for that, no can do."

What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?

Some Somalian has been up all night puking.

In Hollywood, all facts are supposed to be taken with a grain of...

Coke

A friend told me he started selling artisan home-distilled fermented grain mash on etsy...

I replied, "Sounds like a whiskey buisness."

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat

My-grain

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Guy goes to a therapist. He says, "Doc, I live in constant fear that I'm a grain of corn and there's a giant chicken out there who wants to eat me."

Doctor says, "That's obviously absurd."

The doctor works with the man over the course of three years to finally convince him that he's not a grain of corn that a giant chicken wants to eat.

Finally cured, the man leaves. He's back the next day. The doctor says, "Why are you back."
...

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the d...

Did you hear the rumor about the cereal factory takeover?

Take it with a grain assault.

Why is wheat a hillbilly grain? X/post from r/funny

Because its inbread

On the chicken farm

A farmer who produced free range eggs gave a visitor a tour.

"And in this corner, the hens take some of the grain that we give them and put it in that old water dish, where it ferments and becomes a kind of primitive beer."

The visitor replied "Wow! Chicken brewers! I wonder if it's mo...

Two blondes went out deer hunting...

...and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck.

An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll...

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

Once there is a Family Mom, Snow Flake, Grain of sand and Cinder block

Snow Flake asks her mom "Mom why did you call me Snow Flake?"
And her mom replies " Because when you were born a snow flake fell on your forehead."
Then Grain of sand asks "Mom why did you call me Grain of sand?"
And then mom replies " Because when you were born a grain of sand fell on your...

I got in the way at the silo when they were pouring grain.

I got all wheat.

A man finds some copper and zinc

A man is out walking one day when he finds some copper and zinc, knowing these are used to make coins he takes them to the government to see what he can get.

There he sits down with a representative of the US mint and says I have here half a grain of copper and 30 grains of zinc, how many ...

My doctor said I need to cut back my sodium intake...

...but I tend to take everything he says with a grain of salt.

I would make a bread joke but...

Would would I *GRAIN* from it?

A farmer visits the doctor...

A farmer goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, whenever I plough my fields I get a terrible headache"

The doctor says: "It's a migraine"

The farmer replies: "No it's my grain and why are you talking in an Italian accent?"

I'm a greedy farmer who gets really bad headaches

They're my grains

A Turkish farmer, Hodja, goes to the mill to get his wheat ground to flour. While he's waiting in line he starts dipping his hand into the sack of the man in front of him and moving handfulls of wheat to his own sack.

The man turns and catches him: "Hodja! What are you doing stealing my wheat!"

Hodja, embarrassed, starts rolling his eyes and jittering: "Huh? What? I don't even know what I'm doing because I'm just craaaaaazy!"

The man says "if you're so crazy, how come you're only putting my grain in...

Why do I always get a headache when I eat the wheat I grew?

Because it's my grain

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

Chicken! Run!

A man has been suffering from a rare delusion: he considered himself to be a grain of wheat, and was therefore mortally afraid of the chickens.

He has eventually been hospitalized and treated for about a year. At his annual check-up, the attending asked this guy if he was still considering hi...

It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.

“Why do you have a wooden leg?”

The Pirate Captain replied.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.

The boy then asked.

“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”
...

Call me crazy, but I think if someone tells you how they feel they should also be required to provide you with a common food seasoning.

That's just my opinion though, so take it with a grain of salt.

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Maria had 3 children, snowflake, sand, and brick.

One day snowflake goes to her mom and asks her: Mom, why am I called snowflake? Then the mother replies: Because when you were born, a snowflake fell on your head. The next day goes Sand and asks: Mom, why am I called Sand? And the mother replies: Because when you were born, a small grain of sand f...

who decided to call it ‘gluten free’…

and not ‘against the grain’?

I was gonna tell you a joke about sodium.

But you’ll only take it for half a grain of salt.

Once there was a young boy

around 8 years old, who lived in a village at the bottom of a hill. On top of the hill was a temple where monks lived. One day, he heard a strange sound coming from the top of the hill. Curious, he walks up the hill and knocks on the giant doors at the front of the temple. The head monk answers the ...

Two farmers are arguing over their produce.

Farmer 1-"That's my grain!"
Farmer 2-"No that's my grain!"

A third farmer a bit aways walks in

Farmer 3-"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other"

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

A child asks why their name is...

A mother and father are going through baby photos with their three children when the first child looks up to his mother and asks...

"Momma, why did you call me Sand?"

And the mother replies, "Well, we named you Sand because when you were born a grain of sand landed on your forehead"...

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A man runs out of gas while driving through rural Iowa...

His cell phone dead, he walks along the highway until he finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door, and an old farmer offers to fuel up his car after they finish dinner, which he kindly invites him to.

While enjoying his meatloaf and company of the farmer and his wife, the man looks out the wi...

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

A man walks into the doctor's office and says 'Doctor, I have this terrible fear that I'm going to be eaten by a chicken.'

I feel like a grain of corn trapped in a man's body.'

The doctor says 'Don't worry, we can help you.'

Months go by and after many therapies the doctor says 'We've done everything we could to help you and now I can safely say that you don't feel like a grain anymore.'

The man s...

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Have you seen the movie about the astronaut who has to grow fields of wheat using only his piss?

It's called "Urine For A World Of Grain".

I told the corn he wasn't fat, just a little husky.

He didn't know how to take the compliment tho I guess it went against the grain.

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

A man walks into an eye doctor…..

……..he says hello to the doctor, and the doctor says the same. The doctor asks the man if he’d like to hear a joke. The man says yes. “Why does the phone wears glasses?” The doctor asked. The man shakes his head in confusion. The doctor continues, “because he doesn’t have any contacts”. The man frus...

Swedish Computer Terms

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

Why did the skeptic suffer from high blood pressure?

He was taking everything with a grain of salt.

As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches

My doctor said it's my grains

A Tragic Story...

Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a bushel of grains that could have become whiskey, but didn’t.

A man was arrested while running in a wheat field.

.

.

He was charged for going against the grain.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

Donald Trump announced plans to stop subsidizing the corn industry

He's making America grain again.

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

The internet is a scary place. It's dangerous to go alone! Take this

.

(It's a grain of salt)

Did you hear about the guy who got a headache after stealing wheat from my farm?

He got my grain

If at first you don't succeed...

Try a grain.

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Need your eggs fertilized this Easter?

I've got a cock for that. Just needs grains 2x a day.

Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

A mans car breaks down near a monastery.

Greeted by monks, they offer him shelter for the night and to fix his car. While sleeping in the spare bedroom, he hears a knock on the wall

*Thud*

He asked them the next day while they treated him to breakfast in bed. What was the knock?

"We can't tell you, you're not a monk."<...

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant.

An Israeli, a Brit, a Russian, a Vietnamese, and an American are sitting in a restaurant. A reporter comes by and asks, "Excuse me, but can I get your opinion on the recent grain shortage in the third world?" The Brit asks: "What's a 'shortage'?" The Vietnamese asks: "What's 'grain'?" The Russian as...

I got accused of stealing Sodium Chloride today.

I took it with a Grain of Salt.

[OC] A farmer was wandering around the ranch

He stopped at regular intervals along his wire fence, mumbling to himself.

"Hey Howard, what's up?" His neighbor cruised by on a pickup truck.

"Bill, there's something wrong with my fence." He points to the vertical piece of wood which held up the wire.

"This is exactly identi...

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