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Barley Jokes

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For years I’ve been looking for barley legal Jewish porn..

Turns out the proper term is, Yiddish and skittish.

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

A Dairy Farmer got into the healthy Oat Milk business.

He *barley* made ends meet.

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

Why did the guy who can't spell very well get excited when he read about the new law that was passed allowing increased grain exports from women-owned companies?

Because they were barley legal.

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I was in the pub the other night. (long)

and my friend Denzel comes rushing in he says "I need a favour". I said "what?"

he said "i got a young woman in the back of my van that I met in here, well she wants me to shag her, but me wife's just called and she's got me tea ready I have to go home"

"what you want me to do about i...

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My uncle gave me some really good advice last night...

Me: “Jim, I dropped my phone onto the kitchen floor yesterday. It seems to be working fine mostly, but it’s a little slower than usual. What should I do ?”

Jim: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Me: “Also, my wife has barley spoken a word to me lately, but we’ve been having non-stop...

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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

A bartender walks into a bar

The bartender says to the bartender

“Welcome to my bar fellow bartender, what can I get you? Some bar food perhaps?”

To which the bartender replied

“I’ll have a steak bar the barbecue sauce.” Said the bartender

The bartender, a little offended that the bartender barred t...

What do you call 18 year old wheat?

Barley legal.

I was thinking of making puns about grain...

But most people can *barley* stand it.



Yes, I know. That was pretty *corny*. You're probably thinking, "*Rye* did you do this?" I'm probably going too *farro* with this. I'm sorry

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

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An American, French and German soldiers end up in hell.

They are told that they will be given a second chance and all they have to do is go find and bring back the weapon they used to fight in the war with.

The German comes back first and brings back a pistol. He gets told that if he wants to go to heaven he has to shove it up his ass. So he star...

An out of state traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barley see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the gu...

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

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Signs...

The following are all signs that you are a drunk. They include, but are not limited to...

- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

- Your job interferes with your drinking.

- Your doctor finds traces...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

A short tale of Timmy

Timmy loved tractors. When he was growing up his room was covered in them. He had tractor wallpaper, a tractor bed, tractor sheets, tractor pillowcases and not to mention all of the tractor toys which he would lovingly play with every day.

On Timmy's 13th birthday his parents decided to take...

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