The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy...

So I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable Wi-Fi!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

I don’t know what to say. Someone stole all the fruit from my farm in Georgia.

I’m peachless.

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off...

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

How do you seduce a farm girl?

A tractor.

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of animals live on the sexy farm?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you grow up on a chicken farm?

Cause you sure know how to raise a cock.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm. One of them turns to ask the other, "What kind of music are you into?"

The other replies, "I'm a big metal fan."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm...

Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey.

When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, " did something happen at school today?"

"Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against m...

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in th...

Slogan for a cattle farm that's struggling to survive after being pressured by big pharma

We're doing rBST.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm

So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.

The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kindergarten class comes back from a trip to the farm.

The teacher asks the kids, "So, what sounds did we hear at the farm today?"

Little Sally: "Moooooo"

Little Billy: "Baaaaaa"

Little Timmy: "Quack, Quack"

Little Johnny: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TRACTOR, YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!"

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day?

Amish you.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

Two of the cows on our farm will not produce milk

We called the one Milk Dud and the other an Udder Failure

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I’m the CIEIO

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

journalist to farmer : how many cows do you have in your farm ?

farmer : two cows one white and one black

journalist : what do they eat ?

farmer : the white or the black ?

journalist : white

farmer : grass

journalist : and black ?!!

farmer : also grass

journalist : where are you keeping them ?

farmer : t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. ...

Boll weevils are detrimental to cotton crops. If you had to have boll weevils on your farm, which do you want, a big weevil or a little weevil?

The little weevil, because you always want the *lesser of two weevils.*

​

My botany professor just told us this.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

A family of moles lived on a farm.

One morning, they wake up to the smell of fresh hot pancakes. The papa mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The baby mole tries to stick his head up out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the o...

A fat man went to a fat farm

The staff told him, “there are three kinds of services, 200 dollars, 500 dollars and 1000 dollars respectively.”

The fat man paid 200 dollars. He was led to a very large room. There was nothing but a bikini beauty in the room. She said:”Try to catch me. If you catch me, I will make love with...

What do you call a farm vehicle that is exceptional at finding the right angle?

A pro-tractor

My friend and I can't agree on what his job title at the rabbit farm actually is, he calls himself a processor while I say he is a butcher...

... Either way, he is just splitting hares.

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, has owned a farm for several years.

Ron had a large pond in the back. It was perfectly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and to look it over. He grabbed a fi...

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

A farmer walks into a farm supply store...

...and says to an employee, "You know, when I bought my farm it had a coop for chickens but I've never had any. I think I'd like to start raising some so what do I need?"

The employee walks him over to the area with the chicken supplies and gets him started with bedding for the coop, heat la...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Andy and Joey at a collective farm

Andy takes Joey to collective farm to get him some job. Andy takes in consideration that Joey is not of the brightest, so he talks to his friend, who appears to be chief of the farm. "Look, you will have to give the easiest job to this Joey, since he's a best friend of mine."

"Don't you worry...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor Irish family lives on a farm...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the d...

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse

Both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared
for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go
get the farmer for help!


Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
far...

On a hot, windless day the president was out touring a new wind farm. Frustrated by the lack of good video footage, the president knocks on the base of a turbine and asks, “Why won’t this thing spin for me?”

“Oh, its not a huge fan.” The developer explained.

A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

Irish animal rights activists have broken into a turkey farm.

They say they are going to release thousands of turkeys into the wild...

as soon as they’ve defrosted

My father told me that 65% of the lentils they farm go to Asia.

I asked him if they were ori-lentils.

A man decides he wants to run a farm

A man decides he wants to run a farm.

He goes to the farm store, and orders 300 baby chicks from the manager.

The next week, he comes back and orders 300 more chicks. The store just thinks that his farm is doing well, and sells them to him.

Again, the next week, the man comes in...

Did you hear the one about the cow farm on the White Cliffs of Dover?

You should have, It’s a ledge end dairy place

(From my grandfather)A man from the city goes to work on a farm

He helps the farmer with the harvesting and is riding the tractor around the big field while the farmer is working at one place. Everytime the man passes the farmer he greets him with a simple ''Hey''. This goes on for a little while, until the end of the day.

The farmer walks up to the man ...

An american farmer visits Germany

In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer.

​

"Are you a farmer?" he asks the man.

​

"Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies.

&#x200B...

What do a farm and hospital have in common?

Too many vegetables for one person to take care of.

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place to pick up chicks.

Every time I visit my Uncle’s farm I think the sheep are pointing and laughing at me when I’m not looking..

Are ewe kidding me

Little Susie spent the summer holidays on a pony farm in the Cotswolds

Back home, she asked,

"We all live together just like the animals, don't we, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"So I'm just like a little foal?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"And you, Mummy, you're practically the beautiful mare?"

...

Old MacDonald has became the owner of a bunch of new farms......

He has now became the CEIEIO

There once was an apple farm...

...which was ran by an old farmer, his daughter, and a hired hand. One day the daughter and the hired hand were working in the cider mill when one of the cider vats became clogged. The hired hand put on a long rubber glove and set to work un-clogging it. Just then, he received a phone call from the ...

A guy is visiting his cousins farm, getting the tour and such, sees a 3 legged pig.....

What’s with the pig with 3 legs?Ahh, that’s Jake and he is one special pig says the farmer cousin. I was out plowing with the tractor, got to close to the ditch and rolled it over on me. Jake broke out of his pen and ran out to the tractor where he proceeded to dig me out from under it, dragged me...

The Pepper Farm

A man was driving through the countryside when he happened upon a sprawling farm, covered as far as the eye could see in brightly colored variants of peppers. Astounded at the vastness and variety, the man turned up the driveway and made his way to the pepper stand where stood an older woman, presum...

A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny's class were talking about animals on farms

"What kind of sound does a cow make?" the teacher asked.

Sarah raises her hand and after being called on says "A cow goes moo!"

"Very good Sarah. Who can tell me what sound a sheep makes?"

Billy raises his hand and after being called on says "A sheep goes baa!"

"Excellent...

When I brought up to someone that I was starting a fruit farm he thought I was extremely non-masculine

He sent a lot of mixed messages when he told me to Grow a Pear

There are five cows on a farm, one momma cow and four baby calves.

The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, “Momma, why is my name Rose?” The mommy cow replies, “Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.”


The next calf comes up and asks, “Momma, why is my name Lily?” The mother replies, “Because honey, a lily petal fell on your ...

Barry worked on a farm

He was absolutely obsessed with farm machinery, particularly tractors. He loved working on them, driving them, ploughing with them, and at the end of the day cleaning them.

His room was filled with tractor posters, he often completed puzzles of tractors, built and painted small model tractors...

If I ever make a weed farm...

It'll be called "The Pottery"

If you have two hundred chickens, you have a poultry farm.

If you have two chickens, you have a paltry farm.

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, "Those hives are pretty close to the road."

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone.

The bu...

What did the farmer say about his hot pepper farm in the mountains?

It's a little chilly.

I recently got a job at a Vegetable farm.

It's hard work, but the celery's nice.

Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.

The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.

He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!

"Must be a cat." He moves on.

Kicks the second sack: Woof! Wo...

Why did the cows have to flee the farm's cannabis field?

Because the steaks were high when the pigs rolled in...

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It''s so hard to enjoy the simple country games we enjoyed as rednecks in today's society. Take, for instance, catching a greased pig. We got arrested for it even though we were on our own farm and not hurtin' nobody.

For you city slickers that have never had to slaughter farm animals the 'sport' came from a bunch of bored farm boys told to slaughter a pig for bacon, ham, chops, etc...

Everyone today is used to going to the store and not havint' actually see their food killed, so these overly sensitive peo...

A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.

"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.

"But there is no God" counters the official.

"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

I was at the farm with my friend when we chanced upon a cow with multiple gunshot wound

My friend looked up and said "holy cow"

One day on the farm...

Little Susannah walked outside and saw a chicken was lying on its back with it's legs up in the air. When she brought this to her father's attention, he explained to her the chicken passed away, and went to bury it.

Later that night Susannah came to her father and asked "Why was the chicken ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny was sent to his grandparents farm to spend the summer.

The first morning, grandpa was having coffee and reading his paper when he saw Johnny walking by him with a roll of chicken wire.

“What are you doing with that chicken wire?”

“I’m going to catch some chickens!” Johnny replied.

“You can’t catch no chickens with that chicken wir...

Farm Boy

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.


A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.


"No, they went to town."


"How about your brother, Howa...

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm.

The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arri...

A Welsh policeman heard a commotion at a nearby farm and went to investigate.

He walked into the barn to see the farmer making love to a sheep.

"Bloody hell, Farmer Greg! Don'tcha know that's wrong?"

The farmer looked up at the policeman and said, "If loving ewe is wrong, I don't wanna be right!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dairy farmer decided to boost productivity on his farm so he ordered a high-tech milking machine.

As his wife was out of town when it was delivered, he decided to test it on himself first and see if it gave him any pleasure.

So he inserted his penis into the machine, turned it on, and everything else was automatic.

It didn't take long before he realized the equipment provided him w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you guys hear about the new dildo farm that opened the other week?

It got invaded by squatters!

A Blonde is driving through rural farm country and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield...

She pulls to the side of the road and yells "Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the boat stops rowing and stands up. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to work!"

Puzzled the blonde in the car gets out and walks to the side of the road and yells, "You k...

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Growing up on a farm I learned pig’s orgasm could last 30 minutes

I could always feel they were faking it

Stalin visits a farm

One day, Joseph Stalin visits an agricultural collective. And so....

Stalin: Comrade, how much wheat do you have?

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, we have enough wheat to reach God!

Stalin: Comrade, as a Marxist, you know that there is no God!

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, as a Marxist...

A police officer goes to a farm with a search warrant...

He shows the farmer the search warrant and tells him that he has the order to search for something unusual on the farm.

The farmer is confused and asks him: "Why here on my farm? Did something happen?"

The police officer just answers: "I am not allowed to tell you but I am allowed to s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The local Reddit farm ran out of chickens one day..

Cause they kept crossing the fucking road.

Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, “Everything we raise here is organic.”

I hope so! Because I’m not eating a chicken made of rocks.

What's the worst smell at a cow farm?

The dairy air

A boy on a farm goes to the kitchen one morning.

His mother refuses to serve breakfast until after he's done his chores. So he tends to the cow, and then kicks the cow. He tends to the chicken, and kicks the chicken. He tends to the pig, and kicks the pig.
When he goes back to the kitchen, he's handed a bowl of dry cereal and a small plate of t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Went to work on a farm in Scotland. One my first night there, I was trying to fit in with the rest of the help.

They told me that one their break, they all take turns fucking the sheep. I didn't want to fuck any sheep, but I really wanted to fit in. First break, I swallow my pride, find a sheep, pull down my pants, and start at it. I turn around and see all the Scotsman at the farm laughing at me. Trying ...

Donald Trump visits an elementary school...

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One li...

Why was the farmer so worried when his cows started smoking weed and bet his whole farm playing blackjack?

Because the steaks are high!

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets on a farm?

The potatoes have eyes and the corn have ears.

If Snapchat has taught me anything ....

.... it's that a lot of today's teens look better as farm animals.

Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off of his wife?

He fired them.

There was a bad storm that broke the chicken coop causing a farmer to lose a few chickens.

After the storm he asked his farmhand how many chickens were left.

“16 chickens, sir.”

“Alright, round them up, please.”

“20 chickens, sir.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer comes out to his shed to find a man humping his farm equipment

The farmer asks the man “what the hell are you doing son? The man replies “I’ve been having troubles with my wife and my therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor.”

Old McDonald had a farm...

2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man wants to start a farm...

One day a man decided to start a farm. So he walked down the road until he came to a farm and asked, "Do you have any chickens?"

The farmer replies "Yes, but we dont call them that around here. 'Round here we call 'em Pullets". He buys the "pullet"

So the farmer goes down the road and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jim made millions making and selling microbrew beer, and retires very rich on a farm away from the city...

...he happily lives alone for about 8 months when his closest neighbor, Mr. Johannsen, knocks on his door one evening in November.

"HELLO JIM, WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT A HOLIDAY PARTY I'M HAVING"

"Hey great, Mr. Johannsen, it's about time I get out and meet some people."

"WELL, ...

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...