A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Walking past a farm, I saw a sign that said: 'Duck, eggs'.

I thought: "That's a funny place for a comma" -then it hit me.

Whats the difference between a dairy farm and a McDonalds.

You’ll get arrested if you try to milk the cows at McDonalds.

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm

He's their CIEIO

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride. The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"

He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

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At kindergarten. Teacher: What new sounds you heard at the farm today? Kid 1: Moo. Kid 2: Oink. Kid 3: Quack...

Kid 4: get the fuck off my truck!

The farm animals got amnesia...

Cow: What noise do I make, Mr?

Me: Mooooo!

Pig: And what noise do I make?

Me: Oink Oink!

Cat: What about me?

Me: Ow.

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Sunnyvale Farms - PEACHES ANY FLAVOR (long)

A traveling salesman was driving into a new town and prospect, when he passes a sign that says “ Sunnyvale Farms! Peaches, any flavor”. Upon reading the sign, he thinks to himself “These rednecks are some seriously dumb folks. A peach is a peach! What’s that “any flavor” BS about?

So, over th...

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A chicken farmer goes to the swap meet in the morning to buy a new rooster for his farm.

He finds a very impressive cock and buys it. He brings the rooster home and before lunch time, that darn rooster had screwed every chicken on the farm. The farmer couldn't believe it. After lunch, that rooster had gone and screwed every chicken on the farm again.

As the sun was about to s...

What do you call a psychopathic farm?

A hos-till farm

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I have a dairy farm

I have a dairy farm I named Dairy Air.

Now it’s the butt of every joke.

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Life is like a farm

Gives you a ton of shit to deal with

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

Which farming is useless and looked down by everyone?

Karma Farming

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

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A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm,

'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?' said the owner. 'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf, 'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', say...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a fi...

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?
The other says,
“I’m a big metal fan.”

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I am finally living my dream. I bought land in Kissimmee Florida and opened my own donkey farm!

If you are in the area, stop by and see me at the Kissimmee Ass Ranch!

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[NSFW] A farmer got a new rooster for his farm.

Once arrived in the farm, the rooster immediately took off to chase after the chickens in the barn.

Without pause and little sleep for the rooster, the farmer eventually found him laying dead on the open field three days later.

The farmer huffs at him: "Kinda served you right, y'know...

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

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A teacher asked the kids what sounds they heard on the field trip to the farm...

Bobby said, "MOO!!!"

Lisa said "OINK"

Tommy said "GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!!"

The internet connection in my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

What’s the difference between an islamic hide out and an Afghan pine nut farm?

I don’t know, I just fly the drones.

A farm boy went on a date...

The next day after the date, while he was baling hay, one of his friends told him that the girl he went out with thought he was too shy, and should have made a move on her. He looked at his buddy and said, "Tell her to meet me by the rockpile tonight. I'll be a little bolder.

Farming vegetables can get hectic at times,

lettuce romaine calm.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy

The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

What do you call a farm hand who can't stop laughing?

A jolly rancher.

I work on a lettuce farm in Arizona...

Last week an FDA team showed up and shut us down on the back of reports that our produce was making people sick. After weeks of exhaustive investigation they found that the fence around our farm perimeter contained extremely toxic amounts of the chemical element Rhenium, and as the fenceposts aged t...

Why was the internet slow at the Chinese marijuana Farm?

Because it is run with a high Ping.

What do you call a person who used to be a fan of farm machinery?

An ex-tractor fan

How do you seduce a farm girl?

A tractor.

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3 men go to a bug farm

3 men get drunk one night and break into a Bug Farm. They start smashing away at the signs and windows, before each settling on an enclosure to destroy, killing every insect they find there.

The beam from a flashlight illuminates them all mid-destruction, and an enormous security guard appreh...

Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.

A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly t...

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Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for rescued farm animals, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for animals when children in Syria are dying of hunger?

Activist: Hello, we are collecting money for children in Syria, would you like to donate?

Human: How dare you asking help for children in Syria, when children in our country are dying of hunger?
...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

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A farmer strolls over to visit his neighbor, and finds him dancing, naked, in the barn in front of the farm equipment.

The farmer gasps, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

His neighbor replies, "Well, me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"

"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.

"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
...

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

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What are the two sexiest animals on a farm?

Brown chicken brown cow

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

OH NO NO NO NO

# Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

# On the appointed day, the inspector turne...

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off...

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A poor Irish family lives on a farm...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the d...

Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies." Betty Goat responds, "Hell no. No baby goats for me..."

"I'm not kidding."

I just inherited a dairy farm

I dont like it but I'm going to milk it for all its worth!!!

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The DEA search an old man's farm.

A DEA agent rolls up to a farm and speaks to the old farmer: "Sir we have received an anonymous tip off that you may be storing illegal drugs on your property. I have a warrant here to search your entire farm."

The farmer replies: "This is outrageous! I'm just a poor old man trying to earn a ...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

The farm

An old farmer was continuously digging up and replanting a fence post out by the road. He does this for several days until a young kid from next door comes over and asks him why he continues planting the same post over and over. The farmer looks at the kid then points to the sign above the entry t...

Two boll weevils grew up on a farm in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and, amazingly, became a famous actor...

The other stayed behind and never amounted to much.

I guess you could say he was the lesser of two weevils.

I'm a farm boy

When my wife was in labor I said, ” I'm not nervous. I've seen this a bunch of times with cows!"

Yesterday I was working on the farm when I saw a bunch of chickens just strutting around...

It was like poultry in motion.

What's Ed doing in a farm?

Ed Sheeran the sheep.

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A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he shoul...

A ciclist who just started a farming business needs to harvest his crops, what does he do?

He buys sickles

A man goes to a farm to purchase the most pregnant looking goat

Long story short that kids is how I met your mother

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A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and was told his first assignment was to write a human interest story. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to ...

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A student walked up to his psychology class's professor after class day

Student: I don't really get what happened today. Can you re-explain deductive reasoning to me?

Teacher: Alright, I'll show you an example. So you're from a farming family. Do you own a tractor

Student: Yeah I do

Teacher: Okay so from that I can tell that you own a reasonably bi...

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An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm

So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.

The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad."
...

A Hindu, Jewish Rabbi, and Mormon Evangelist are lost.

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

I talked with some old hippies at an organic farm the other day

They were just standing in the middle of their field, watching the tiny shoots of the newly growing vegetables emerge from the earth. And I asked them what they were watching. They replied: “This is the dawning of the age of asparagus, age of asparagus”

A boy lives on a farm

His mother says to feed the farm animals or he will not get breakfast. He pretends to feed the animals and returns, expecting breakfast. His mom gives him a bowl of dry cereal. The boy asks his mom why. She says “You did not care for the animals, so you cannot have the products of the animals. ...

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A businessman stops at a farm for the night

During a long road trip, a businessman spots a farm with a sign out front advertising rooms to rent for the night. The businessman decides to stop for the night.

The farmer shows the man to his room and says "I hope you don't mind getting up early, as I have three roosters who all crow about ...

I don’t know what to say. Someone stole all the fruit from my farm in Georgia.

I’m peachless.

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A young man wants a job at his local farm

"Why do you want to work here?" Asks the farmer. "I understand the language of your animals." In disbelieve the farmer takes him to the cow. "Muuuh" "So, what did she say?" "You should cut your nails, it hurts when you milk her." The farmer looks at his nails. "You may be right, but thats pure coin...

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

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The horse and the chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some...

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3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.

A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.

They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.

The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.

"who goes there!? Get off my far...

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

A farmer counted 196 cows in his farm

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm

He knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yerpa home?" The farmer asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." <...

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A teacher is going over farming tools with an inner-city class who'd never seen them.

"Children, does anybody know what this is?"

Little girl puts up her hand. "That's a rake!"

"Very good, Sally. And who knows what this is?"

Little boy puts up his hand. "That's a shovel!"

"Very good, Timmy. It's a shovel. And what about this one?"

Children stare at ...

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300

Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;

“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”
“Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already...”
“Ok then, give me the dead donke...

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in th...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villager that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to dimi...

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land

It was a very heavy bird den

Did you hear about the guy who got a headache after stealing wheat from my farm?

He got my grain

Why was the handsome farmer given the "Best in 'Grass' " award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

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Did you work on a chicken farm?

Because your pretty good at raising cocks

I'm glad I'm not a farm animal.

If I was, I'd be in a baaaaaaa'd mooooooo'd

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a large hole in the ground.

The first hunter says to the other, "That looks really deep. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how far it goes."

To find out how deep it really is, the hunters toss some nearby pebbles into the hole and try to listen for when the pebbles hit the bottom. None of the pebbles make a sou...

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

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On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. ...

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

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A kindergarten class comes back from a trip to the farm.

The teacher asks the kids, "So, what sounds did we hear at the farm today?"

Little Sally: "Moooooo"

Little Billy: "Baaaaaa"

Little Timmy: "Quack, Quack"

Little Johnny: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TRACTOR, YOU LITTLE CUNT!!!!"

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Did you grow up on a chicken farm?

Cause you sure know how to raise a cock.

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3 vacuum sellers are making their way towards a nearby farm

The three walk past a beautiful young girl, the farmers daughter, and go straight for the front door. They knock and the farmer opens up. They ask would he be interested in buying a vacuum. The farmer ponders for a moment and agrees to buy a vacuum, but on one condition. They don't try to flirt with...

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A man in overalls sits down at a bar

A man in overalls sits down at a bar and orders a glass of champagne. The lady next to him says to him: "not to many people come in here wearing overalls and orders a glass of champagne."



The man says, "I'm a chicken farmer and today I'm celebrating." The lady said "What a coincidenc...

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Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

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[NSFW] The rooster decided to enroll in a foreign language class down on the farm...

Should I learn to speak horse, or cow, he wondered. Or pig? Finally, he decided he would learn to speak turkey.

When he came home from class, however he was crying. Mama hen asked him, " did something happen at school today?"

"Yes Mama, I had to file a sexual harassment claim against m...

A fat man went to a fat farm

The staff told him, “there are three kinds of services, 200 dollars, 500 dollars and 1000 dollars respectively.”

The fat man paid 200 dollars. He was led to a very large room. There was nothing but a bikini beauty in the room. She said:”Try to catch me. If you catch me, I will make love with...

Two of the cows on our farm will not produce milk

We called the one Milk Dud and the other an Udder Failure

journalist to farmer : how many cows do you have in your farm ?

farmer : two cows one white and one black

journalist : what do they eat ?

farmer : the white or the black ?

journalist : white

farmer : grass

journalist : and black ?!!

farmer : also grass

journalist : where are you keeping them ?

farmer : t...

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

What type of math can farm animals do?

Cowculus

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Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued w...

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place to pick up chicks.

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