Hog Jokes - 59 Hilarious Hog Jokes

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

What do you get when you consume an undercooked female hog?

Sow-monella

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

What do you call an albino hog with autism?

Pigmentally Challenged

A Missouri Farmer

A Missouri farmer in his pickup drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

*"Is your Dad home?"* the farmer asked.

*"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."*

Persistent, the farmer asks the boy *"Well, is your Mother here?"*

*...

What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.

What did the buddhist say when he went to the hog dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

I went to this guy's house and there were neck garments with hogs on everywhere.

The place was a pigs tie.

A farmer had a problem; His hogs were not mating. At the feed store he ran into the local veterinarian and

asked for advice. The vet said, “Farmer Heffelfinger here had that same issue and managed to resolve it himself by artificial insemination”.
The farmer, not knowing exactly what that term meant asked how he will know if it has worked.
“Well, they’l be real sleepy the next day”.
Back on t...

What do you get when you mix a hog and a hand grenade?

Bacon bits.

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A priest finds a dead hog in a ditch by the wayside...

Figuring the poor animal has been killed by a careless driver, he calls up the police for someone to come pick up the carcass.

The officer on the other end, not without humor, chucklingly mentions that he thought it was the church's own business to take care of the dead.

"Yes indeed, ...

What do you call a book case hogging all the books?

Shelf-ish

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There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog.

They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs behind and feed him for a month before the fair.

The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they ...

I now know why Groundhog Day is important.

It's literally an emerge and see.

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

She call me sonic

The way I edge my hog

During Cold War, Mossad, CIA and KGB argue which is the best secret service.

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k...

Jeremy Clarkson on the farm.

After a disastrous first year on the farm Jeremy Clarkson hatches a new plan and gets ten sows and a hog to make lots of piglets.
He calls the vet and asks for any help and what to look for. The old vet tells him if the hog has been successful the sows will be asleep on their backs with all for ...

Why should you eat pork sausage on February 2nd?

Because it is ground hog day.

What is the difference between a sausage in a bun and Pacman?

One's a hotdog and the other's a dot hog.

What is the most prevalent STI wizards and witches get?

Hog warts.

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Mortician.

A mortician was going about his typical day of embalming and what not, when he came across a client that had the biggest male member he had ever seen. Even by porn standards his hog was huge. So the mortician decides he needs to preserve this monstrosity of man meat because this definitely has to be...

Why are pigs the worst drivers?

Because they always hog the road.

Joke from my 5yr old.

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A father and his son

A father and his son were working in the yard one day and the son grabs a chicken wire and starts to leave. His dad stops him and asks, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?"

The son replied, "I'm gonna catch some chickens."

The father said, "That's not how that works."

...

Why did Harry Potter bring his pig to the vet?

Because it had hog warts

A guy is driving somewhere in Tennessee

He is riding along and a hog runs into the street and gets hit. The man is shocked, so he gets out and calls the police.

"Hi I need to report that I just hit a pig in the road." He says nervously, unsure of what to do. The other person on the phone asks for the location and he gives it to the...

Here we see the majestic Woodchuck, also known as a Groundhog which begs the question

How much ground would a ground hog hog if a ground hog could hog ground?

Three blondes are walking through a forest

when they spot tracks on the ground.
The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."

The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."

The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I...

What do you call a pig that gets stuck in a bush?

A hedge hog.

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

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What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

A 9-1-1 operator in the deep South picks up the phone

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Oh my God, it's my wife - she done been gored by a hog, she's bleedin' some real bad! Send help!"

"Calm down sir, and tell me where you are"

"I'm at 560 Eucalyptus Drive"

"Can you spell that for me, sir?"

"U... er... E, U... er... ...

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Be cautious of what you wish for and be kind

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he woul...

How can you tell that ghosts are women?

They hog all the sheets

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

A farmer takes his pigs to the breeder

A farmer one day decides he’d like to multiply his pigs but only has two sows, so he takes them to a farm a ways away with some impressive hogs to breed them with.

He gets there on the first day and after the deed is done he asks the other farmer “Say, how will I know it worked” to which the...

Hunting by the Tracks

3 friends are out camping and hunting together. A blonde, brunette, and a redhead. They take turns going out hunting while the other two tend the camp. First the Brunette goes out hunting. She creeps off into the woods and a short while later comes back with a deer dragging behind her.

"Wo...

"What a terrible boyfriend!",

an old man said to his wife. A young straight couple was passing by their window in the rain, with the man hogging the umbrella.

"Yeah?" replied the wife, "Well, at least he gets his woman wet!"

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There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.

Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels

Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?

Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.

Biker: Wel...

I was wakened at 3am by a crashing noise...

I went down the stairs, cricket bat in hand, only to come face to face with an intruder stepping through my front door. He was armed with a crowbar but a swift crack of the willow round his head dropped him and he was spark out for enough time for me to grab a short length of rope. After hog-tying h...

Ties

This is a funny my wife said to one of her professors in vet school:

Prof: This is my favorite tie it has almost every type of cow on it.

Wife: You should get one with pigs on it then you'd have a hog tie.

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

What do you call a pig with no legs?

Ground Hog! Happy Groundhog's Day!

One day a chicken and a pig were having a conversation

The chicken suggests the two should start a restaurant.

The pig is intrigued by the idea and says, “That sounds great. I’m an entrepreneurial type of hog. I’m sick of working for the farmer. But what are we going to call the restaurant?”

The chicken thinks. Then scratches and pecks at ...

Why are Wayne and Garth banned from playgrounds?

They hog the Schwing set.

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

Scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research...

The scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research and take a vacation on their friend's farm. On their first day there, Watson and Crick take a walk around the farm. First, they notice pigs oinking like crazy when they realize the truck that takes them to market has pulled up. Next, t...

[Long] A man lives near the edge of a forest with his wife.

The wife is a very kind woman. Every now and then she would find an injured animal in her backyard, and she would waste no time bringing it into their home and taking care of it until it recovers. The man doesn't mind the animals, just as long as they don't bother him.

However, during the wi...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

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Martian Sex

For an experiment on the effects of deep space travel on romantic relationships, NASA sends a married couple to explore Mars.

After the couple lands on Mars they begin exploring the surface. To their surprise they bump into a pair of Martians. The Martians looked just humans, except they're g...

A travelling salesman was driving down a back road...

...when he saw a man in overalls, standing in an orchard, holding something that looked quite heavy up next to an apple tree. He decided to pull over and see what was going on.

He climbed over a fence and, as he got nearer, he realized that a farmer was holding a huge pig up about shoulder h...

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The Party

After his divorce, Jeff rented a cabin in Montana for the summer to write his first novel. He got up each morning, made coffee, and would go outside and sit by a stream before going back in and writing all day. One August afternoon he was startled by a knock on the door.

“Hey,” said the man....

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

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Barbara Walters and the Indian tribe

Barbara Walters was doing a commentary on "The Customs of the
American Indian". After a tour of the Reservation which she was on
she wondered why the difference in the number of feathers in their
head dresses.

She asked a brave, who had but one feather in his head dress
and ...

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Farmers and their Pig

Old, long winded, and immature. But, I always laugh at it

Three farmers had been competing at the state fair for several years now for the biggest pig contest. Each year though all three farmers would lose to a pig from another county. So, Farmer John calls farmer Brown and Farmer Dan over to...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

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