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A priest finds a dead hog in a ditch by the wayside...

Figuring the poor animal has been killed by a careless driver, he calls up the police for someone to come pick up the carcass.

The officer on the other end, not without humor, chucklingly mentions that he thought it was the church's own business to take care of the dead.

"Yes indeed, ...

I went to this guy's house and there were neck garments with hogs on everywhere.

The place was a pigs tie.

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A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

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What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

Why was the pig forced to sleep on the floor?

He was hogging the bed!

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

What do you get when you mix a hog and a hand grenade?

Bacon bits.

One day a chicken and a pig were having a conversation

The chicken suggests the two should start a restaurant.

The pig is intrigued by the idea and says, “That sounds great. I’m an entrepreneurial type of hog. I’m sick of working for the farmer. But what are we going to call the restaurant?”

The chicken thinks. Then scratches and pecks at ...

My wife came back home from the hairdresser's. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation.



'So, you think I look like a bulldog!' she wept.

I laughed to myself.

'No! You need to get your ears tested!' I replied.

'Oh...' she began to smile.

'I said you look like a bald hog,' I added.

Hunting by the Tracks

3 friends are out camping and hunting together. A blonde, brunette, and a redhead. They take turns going out hunting while the other two tend the camp. First the Brunette goes out hunting. She creeps off into the woods and a short while later comes back with a deer dragging behind her.

"Wo...

Why is working at a Pork Sausage factory the worst job?

Because every day is Ground Hog day.

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm

He knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yerpa home?" The farmer asked. 

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." <...

What Is the Difference Between Stabbing a Man and Killing a Hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt

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There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.

Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels

Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?

Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.

Biker: Wel...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground

The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No, you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure."
They were still arguing when...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

Here we see the majestic Woodchuck, also known as a Groundhog which begs the question

How much ground would a ground hog hog if a ground hog could hog ground?

Ties

This is a funny my wife said to one of her professors in vet school:

Prof: This is my favorite tie it has almost every type of cow on it.

Wife: You should get one with pigs on it then you'd have a hog tie.

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

How can you tell that ghosts are women?

They hog all the sheets

What do you call an albino hog with autism?

Pigmentally Challenged

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There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog.

They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs behind and feed him for a month before the fair.

The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they ...

What do you call a pig that gets stuck in a bush?

A hedge hog.

What did the buddhist say when he went to the hog dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

[Long] A man lives near the edge of a forest with his wife.

The wife is a very kind woman. Every now and then she would find an injured animal in her backyard, and she would waste no time bringing it into their home and taking care of it until it recovers. The man doesn't mind the animals, just as long as they don't bother him.

However, during the wi...

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A father and his son

A father and his son were working in the yard one day and the son grabs a chicken wire and starts to leave. His dad stops him and asks, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?"

The son replied, "I'm gonna catch some chickens."

The father said, "That's not how that works."

...

What do you call a pig with no legs?

Ground Hog! Happy Groundhog's Day!

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

What do you call a book case hogging all the books?

Shelf-ish

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What happened when Harry Potter had sex with a pig?

He got hog warts.

Scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research...

The scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research and take a vacation on their friend's farm. On their first day there, Watson and Crick take a walk around the farm. First, they notice pigs oinking like crazy when they realize the truck that takes them to market has pulled up. Next, t...

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In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued...

Why are Wayne and Garth banned from playgrounds?

They hog the Schwing set.

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