A farmer had a problem; His hogs were not mating. At the feed store he ran into the local veterinarian and

asked for advice. The vet said, “Farmer Heffelfinger here had that same issue and managed to resolve it himself by artificial insemination”.
The farmer, not knowing exactly what that term meant asked how he will know if it has worked.
“Well, they’l be real sleepy the next day”.
Back on t...

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Be cautious of what you wish for and be kind

A bear was chasing a rabbit through the forest.

They ran into a clearing and the bear chased the rabbit around a giant redwood tree where, as luck would have it, a genie lived.

The genie got so tired of the noise they were making that finally he came out and told them both that he woul...

An eccentric billionaire's beloved pet hog was very ill...

...and his private vet was away so he had to find a last minute specialist. Vets from around the world sent word that they would come to his aid right away, jumping at the chance to look at the animal, thereby winning the rich old man's admiration and the huge bill that would come from top notch car...

I went to this guy's house and there were neck garments with hogs on everywhere.

The place was a pigs tie.

How to weigh a pig

A farmer is out in the field with his client, who is there to buy a pig, as they are walking along the client asks him, "how much does this pig weigh?"

The farmer pulls the pig out, puts his tail in his mouth and says, "she's 245 pounds easy."

Astonished, the client thinks he's being f...

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle....

Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a "For sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquiries about it with the owner "Th...

What do you get when you mix a hog and a hand grenade?

Bacon bits.

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A priest finds a dead hog in a ditch by the wayside...

Figuring the poor animal has been killed by a careless driver, he calls up the police for someone to come pick up the carcass.

The officer on the other end, not without humor, chucklingly mentions that he thought it was the church's own business to take care of the dead.

"Yes indeed, ...

What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Why are pigs the worst drivers ever?

Because they hog the damn road.

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

What did the buddhist say when he went to the hog dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

I got in a fight with a guy at the park because he was hogging the playground equipment.

He took a swing.

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The Leprechaun Joke

A man went to a pub on St. Patrick's Day to have some drinks with his mates. After a while, the man needed to relieve himself, so he went to use the restroom.

The restroom was quite small and only had two urinals, one of which was being used by what appeared to be a little person. The man beg...

What do you call an albino hog with autism?

Pigmentally Challenged

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There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog.

They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs behind and feed him for a month before the fair.

The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they ...

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

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It was the first session of a packed literary festival.

As was his wont, one particular writer hogged the mic and was refusing to let go.

A seasoned festival-attendee, who had borne the torture of said writer nobly over several festivals, had come prepared this time: with a dozen rotten eggs.

When the writer took a deep breath to launch int...

What’s the most common STD in Harry Potter?

Hog Warts

What do you call a book case hogging all the books?

Shelf-ish

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

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The Party

After his divorce, Jeff rented a cabin in Montana for the summer to write his first novel. He got up each morning, made coffee, and would go outside and sit by a stream before going back in and writing all day. One August afternoon he was startled by a knock on the door.

“Hey,” said the man....

I was wakened at 3am by a crashing noise...

I went down the stairs, cricket bat in hand, only to come face to face with an intruder stepping through my front door. He was armed with a crowbar but a swift crack of the willow round his head dropped him and he was spark out for enough time for me to grab a short length of rope. After hog-tying h...

A 9-1-1 operator in the deep South picks up the phone

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Oh my God, it's my wife - she done been gored by a hog, she's bleedin' some real bad! Send help!"

"Calm down sir, and tell me where you are"

"I'm at 560 Eucalyptus Drive"

"Can you spell that for me, sir?"

"U... er... E, U... er... ...

Harry Potter finally got to sleep with Hermione but he had some regrets

He got hog warts

A travelling salesman was driving down a back road...

...when he saw a man in overalls, standing in an orchard, holding something that looked quite heavy up next to an apple tree. He decided to pull over and see what was going on.

He climbed over a fence and, as he got nearer, he realized that a farmer was holding a huge pig up about shoulder h...

Three blondes are walking through a forest

...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks."
The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves."
The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm s...

"What a terrible boyfriend!",

an old man said to his wife. A young straight couple was passing by their window in the rain, with the man hogging the umbrella.

"Yeah?" replied the wife, "Well, at least he gets his woman wet!"

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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

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What’s the number one sexually transmitted disease among wizardry students?

Hog warts.

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In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued...

Your momma so fat, the only people that will sleep with her are bikers....

They're used to riding hogs.

What do you call a pig that gets stuck in a bush?

A hedge hog.

An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

The farmer asked, "Is your Dad home?"

The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

The farmer said, "Well, is your Mother here?"

The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with Dad."

The farmer said, "How about your brother, H...

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There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.

Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels

Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?

Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.

Biker: Wel...

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

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Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly.

Time for chores? Same thing.

Lunch time? Same thing.

Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing.

"Dammit, Boy!" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unl...

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A father and his son

A father and his son were working in the yard one day and the son grabs a chicken wire and starts to leave. His dad stops him and asks, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?"

The son replied, "I'm gonna catch some chickens."

The father said, "That's not how that works."

...

My wife came back home from the hairdresser's. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation.



'So, you think I look like a bulldog!' she wept.

I laughed to myself.

'No! You need to get your ears tested!' I replied.

'Oh...' she began to smile.

'I said you look like a bald hog,' I added.

One day a chicken and a pig were having a conversation

The chicken suggests the two should start a restaurant.

The pig is intrigued by the idea and says, “That sounds great. I’m an entrepreneurial type of hog. I’m sick of working for the farmer. But what are we going to call the restaurant?”

The chicken thinks. Then scratches and pecks at ...

Hunting by the Tracks

3 friends are out camping and hunting together. A blonde, brunette, and a redhead. They take turns going out hunting while the other two tend the camp. First the Brunette goes out hunting. She creeps off into the woods and a short while later comes back with a deer dragging behind her.

"Wo...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

[Long] A man lives near the edge of a forest with his wife.

The wife is a very kind woman. Every now and then she would find an injured animal in her backyard, and she would waste no time bringing it into their home and taking care of it until it recovers. The man doesn't mind the animals, just as long as they don't bother him.

However, during the wi...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

Here we see the majestic Woodchuck, also known as a Groundhog which begs the question

How much ground would a ground hog hog if a ground hog could hog ground?

How can you tell that ghosts are women?

They hog all the sheets

Scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research...

The scientists Watson and Crick take a break from their research and take a vacation on their friend's farm. On their first day there, Watson and Crick take a walk around the farm. First, they notice pigs oinking like crazy when they realize the truck that takes them to market has pulled up. Next, t...

Why are Wayne and Garth banned from playgrounds?

They hog the Schwing set.

What do you call a pig with no legs?

Ground Hog! Happy Groundhog's Day!

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Farmers and their Pig

Old, long winded, and immature. But, I always laugh at it

Three farmers had been competing at the state fair for several years now for the biggest pig contest. Each year though all three farmers would lose to a pig from another county. So, Farmer John calls farmer Brown and Farmer Dan over to...

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Martian Sex

For an experiment on the effects of deep space travel on romantic relationships, NASA sends a married couple to explore Mars.

After the couple lands on Mars they begin exploring the surface. To their surprise they bump into a pair of Martians. The Martians looked just humans, except they're g...

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