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Barn Jokes

I was making a mocha in the barn

when I spilled some hot chocolate mix. I used my fingers to turn the mess into a rough picture of my pet rooster.

Shortly thereafter, the rooster himself strolled by, looked at my sketch and made a cocoa doodle too.

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If you’ve never seen a weathervane on the roof of a barn, it’s a device designed to tell the farmer the wind direction.

And very often, the top of it is a metal rooster (or a cock, if you prefer).

And do you know why they put a cock on a weathervane?

Because if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

*thanks to George Carlin*

One day while a cowboy was building a barn.....

he lost his favorite book. A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth. The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not exactly,” said the horse. “Your name is written inside.”

"Did you know your son lit the barn on fire!?!"

You mean "arson"?

I was having trouble with my internet connection at the farm, so I moved my modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

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A horse is hanging out in a barn watching MTV.

He sees a guy on stage playing the guitar and says, "I want to learn the guitar!" So he calls up a music teacher and tells him he wants to learn the guitar. Only problem is, he's a horse. Music teacher says "no problem, come on in and I'll teach you guitar." Horse goes to see the music teacher and l...

A friend of mine has nocturnal birds of prey nesting in his barn.

I'm getting owl-ly updates.

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

A farmer installed a modem in his barn

I guess you could say he has stable internet now

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

Why didn’t the cow make it to the sale barn on time?

Hereford broke down.

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car that breaks down in the countryside one evening.

They walk to a nearby farm and the farmer tells them it’s too late for a tow truck but he has only two extra beds and one of them will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, “I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” But minutes later he returns and knocks on the door and says, “There is a cow in the...

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Larry walks in on his friend stripping inside a barn….

“Barry what the hell are you doing”

“ well Larry, I went to a therapist and she said to do something sexy to a tractor “

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

A farmer was sitting in his barn. After a long day he was admiring his work.

Farmer: I love my job

Sheep: Yeah cause all you do is boss us all day

The farmer not believing what just happened

Farmer: What did you just say..!?

Sheep: You herd us.

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

How do you get 500 old cows in to a barn?

Put up a Bingo sign.

What does the actor who plays Bucky Barnes have in commom with his overzealous supporters?

They're all Sebastian stans.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

A farmer asked his trusty sheepdog to go out and collect all the sheep and put them in the barn for the night.

Oh course the loyal pup went and did just as he was asked.

He came back and told the farmer that all 100 sheep were safe in the barn.

Confused, the farmer said "But I only have 97 sheep."

The pup says "I know, I rounded them up."

how do you alarm a barn?

You can't, it's stable!

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Like Father Like Son.

A joke my dad wrote to me in one of his letters while he was in prison:





A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very
hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.

When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there.
"Not so fas...

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A dog says hey to a cat in a barn

The cat says hey back.

The pig chimes in, saying hey to the cat and dog.

The chicken bucks her salutation the same way.

The horse: And y'all ain't fuckin sharing?

Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"

Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

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A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

So this city blonde goes to a barn

She asks the farmer: “Excuse me, why does that cow have no horns?”.

The farmer, being quite the expert on the matter, explained to her with great detail:

“Well m’am, there’s many reasons why some cows don’t have horns. Some breeds don’t have horns. For example: Angus cows don’t have ...

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

Swedish Computer Terms



|Term|Definition|
|:-|:-|
|Log On:|Makin' da vood stove hotter!!|
|Log Off:|Don't add no more vood!!|
|Monitor:|Keepin' an eye on da vood!!|
|Download:|Gettin' da vood off da truck!!|
|Mega Hertz:|Ven yer not careful gettin' da firevood!!|
|Floppy Disc:|Vat yew get from ...

I'm Thor!

One day, while looking upon the world from his perch high upon Valhalla, Thor is starting to feel his oats. To put it more bluntly, it's been a while since he's been laid.

He jumps down to earth and sees a comely farm girl. No words are spoken-- he just sweeps her off her feet and they make w...

The owner of a large cow farm walks into his barn

He sees that almost 80 of his cows have been packed tightly into the barn and the whole place smells of marijuana. He looks around at several of his farm hands who are smoking and shocked asks, "What are you doing?! OSHA is on their way for an inspection right now!"

One answered, "We know, ...

A horse walks into a barn

A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

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An English man, An Irish man, and a welsh man are hiding in a barn from a nazi officer

The English man tells the Irish man and the welsh man to hide in burlap sacks and they all hide in the sacks

The Nazi officer walks into the barn and kicks the first sack and the English man yells “Meow” and the nazi officer says “Must be a cat”

The officer walks to the second sack k...

Two cows walk into a barn

"man i hate this farm", said the first one.
"mood", mooed the second cow.

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

My friend said i couldnt hit the broadside of a barn.

I didnt mean to hit the dog!

*Staring at a barn full of feed*

Me: That's alot of feed.

Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.

Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.

The Farmer's Mirror

An old farmer was in at the market and saw a very nicely framed mirror. Having never seen such a thing in his life, he was completely enamored with it and had to purchase it.
After he had, he felt foolish for spending such a large sum for it and hid it in the hay loft. Everyday he would sneak ou...

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So there's a farmer in his barn yard with a bull and a cow...

The farmer wants the bull to get his cow pregnant with a calf. The bull however is not interested in that at all and just wants to eat grass all day. The farmer gets the bright idea to try to get the bull feeling frisky himself. He takes his hand and shoves it into the cow's vagina. He then pulls it...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second id...

Thank god for Barnes & Noble

Said Doctors Without Borders

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A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside

The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he’s stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble ...

Two cows walk into a barn and start arguing about who gets the wheat

Now they got beef

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go to the barn and feed the animals before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed. "I saw what you did! You get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow ...

3 guys fall asleep in a barn

.And when they woke up in the morning, the guy on the right says " I just had the best dream last night, I dreamt I was being given a handjob!"

The guy on the left then said "really? I also dreamed I was being given a handjob!"

The guy who slept on the middle then says I dreamt that I ...

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

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A farmer strolls over to visit his neighbor, and finds him dancing, naked, in the barn in front of the farm equipment.

The farmer gasps, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

His neighbor replies, "Well, me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

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Redneck Mary is working in the barn...

Her husband, Jack is staring at her as she's leaning over to pick up stuff.

Jack got horny and asked Mary - Mary why are you not wearing any panties?
To which mary replied - Oh I'm wearing a black skirt, how do you see that I'm not wearing any panties?

Jack, pointing at the floor...

Did you hear about the crazy man who thought he was a barn?

He's stable now.

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Virgin Mary had just given birth to her child in a barn

The three wisemen are coming to visit and bring gifts. The first one walks into the barn and hands Mary a present. The second one does the same and Mary thanks them both. As the third one was trying to walk into the barn, he stubbed his toe on the doorframe and yelled "Jesus Christ!" to which Mary r...

My Horse got sick after being out on the pasture. So our Vet said to bring him into the barn.

He's in a stable condition now.

My neighbor has a 15 acre farm, he breeds dogs to do work on them. He grows cantaloupe, and come harvest time the dogs sniff out the ripe ones and bring them back to the barn.

He says the breed are Melon Collies

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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

The pig with wooden legs

A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.

One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind. A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain ...

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

Two cows are standing in a barn.

Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

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A farmer's son is on his way back from the market one day.

As he passes by farmer Jon's house, he sees the barn burning to the ground. Excited to share the news with his father and impress him, he rushes home to tell him. "Pa, pa! You'll never guess what I saw today passing farmer Jon's house!" The father replies " His barn burned down. Heard it on my radio...

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 6 pm...

until I'm removed by security.

There are 2 chickens in a barn, one says: "tok, tok, tok, tok, tok".

The other replies: "are you tokking to me"?

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Three dudes sneak into a barn

So, three dudes sneak into a barn, and they're forced to sleep on the same haystack.
The morning after, the dude on the left says, "I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob!"
The dude on the right says, "Holy shit, I had the same dream!" The dude in the middle goes,"I dreamt that I ...

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Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.

A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing.


As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town. Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard a...

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.

They are assless chaps.

Billy saw the barn was ablaze, sprinted down the street, burst into a bar room full of gunslingers and shouted "Fire! Fire!"

And they did.

Another short joke from Sunny

Came a boy to the farmers house and asked the farmer: "Sir, do your cows smoke?"The farmer replyed: "no usually they dont" Then the boy scratched his nose and said: "well i guess your barn is on fire then"

The Cow Did

There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when they’d milk it they’d take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and ...

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

A farmer walks into his barn with a bucket.

He starts milking his cow, while a pesky fly continues to buzz around the cows head. Suddenly the fly goes straight in to the cows ear. The farmer doesn't think much of it, just continues milking, when suddenly it shoots out into the bucket. The farmer, freaked out, exclaimed "it went in one ear and...

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde were all in a car driving down an empty road that stretched for miles alongside a farm.

“Drive faster!” Entices the Redhead.

The car picks up speed.

“Fassterrr!!” Demanding the Blonde...

I plan to run power out to my barn.

I’d like to have plumbing as well but that may just be a pipe dream.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

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Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly.

Time for chores? Same thing.

Lunch time? Same thing.

Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing.

"Dammit, Boy!" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unl...

3 men are repairing a barn roof when the ladder gets knocked over

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie are all up on a barn roof doing repairs when a strong gust of wind blows their ladder away. The barn is in the middle of nowhere so they might have to wait days before someone passes by to save them.

They all begin looking for a way down but the only t...

Why did the man work in a barn for his whole life?

Because it was a stable career.

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

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When your fly is unzipped, I’ve realized why people say, “your barn door is open”.

It’s because your cock might escape.

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The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn... [NSFW]

The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn. They break down the barn door, and find a young couple with a sleepy-looking Shetland pony. With one hand, the woman is holding a huge bong and blowing marijuana smoke in the pony's face. With her other hand, she is vigorously stroking...

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up and asks “tell me, Watson, what do you observe?”

Watson replies “it is a clear, cloudless sky. To the east I see the constellation of Orion whereby I can trail the handle of the plough pointing to Polaris, the North Star. As my eyes adjust to ...

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An Observant Farmer, And A Protective Father

One day, Farmer John was tilling his outer most field. The mid-day sun was beating down something fierce, so he decided to shut down his tractor and take a break. Just as he's getting off his tractor to head up to the house for a glass of water, he notices his eldest daughter, Lily, run into his bar...

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A man and his friends go duck hunting.

They’re sitting in a duck blind and huge flock flies over them. One of his friends yells “FIRE!”

The man takes his shotgun and hits a duck, but it lands on the roof of a barn. The man walks over to retrieve his duck and is met with a grumpy farmer.

The man says, “Hey me and my buddies...

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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when,

Through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forw...

What? were you born in a barn?

If you mean like Jesus. Then yes!

I’m trying to build a barn and keep running into problems.

I just can’t find a stable solution.

TIL Donald Trump personally built the barn for his daughters horses, and apparently he did a better job than most professional barn raisers do.

Guess you could say that makes him a stable Genius.

Years ago, I was a big city boy preaching in a small country town.

I wanted to learn everything "country" so that I could fit in. As I was
searching for Widow Jones' farm, I got lost on the back roads.
I saw a farmer walking into his barn so I stopped for directions.
He was just beginning to milk his cow but took time out to tell me
how to get to the J...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

What do you call a milk barn thief?

A creaminal

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.


The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

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There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...

This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore.

"That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no prob...

What does an Italian cow say when he gets an extra delivery of hay to the barn?

That's amorehay!

The three wise men walk into a barn...

...and see Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus. Joseph asks why they are disturbing them as his wife had just given birth and needed rest. The first wise man said "I have brought gold for the child."

Joseph thanked him but ask that they leave. Then the second wise man said "I have brought frankincen...

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A man is driving down the highway at 60 mph when a three legged chicken passes right by him.

In shock, he decides to follow the chicken down this dirt road. He sees the chicken run onto this farm and into barn. The man gets out of his car and goes to the front door to speak with the farmer.

“Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but I was driving down the highway doing atleast 60 mph when I...

My girlfriend noticed an exceptionally large Barnes and Noble last night

“It’s so big, it’s got two stories!”

Her dad turned and said “I think they’ve got more than that”

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A man was walking home drunk

and he decides to take a short cut over a field. In the far end he notices some flashing lights coming from a barn house.

As he gets closer he looks through the window, and to his surprise sees a man in a T-shirt dancing while slowly taking off his overalls.

Drunk as he is, he opens ...

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Barnes and Noble was trying to save money, so they started hiring chickens at their checkout stands.

It started out working pretty well. They were having a sale, and a guy brings two books up to the chicken cashier.

"Book, book! Buck buck buck!" said the chicken. The man paid him $3.



Then a guy brings up five books. The chicken looked a little worried, took a deep breat...

I got an anti-gravity book at barnes and noble today.

it's impossible to put down.

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Redneck Barn Building

Two rednecks were nailing siding onto a new barn. Brad was running the hammer, Ralph was handing him nails. As Ralph would grab a handful of nails from the bucket, he kept flicking half of them onto the ground. Brad turned around and yelled

"RALPH why the hell are ya throwing perfectly good ...

Aino and Toivo were working on a barn roof one day...

Aino and Toivo were working on a barn roof one day when the wind happened to knock over their ladder. Being a few stories up they had no easy way to get down, save for a large pile of manure. Anio tells Toivo he will jump first and yell up how deep it is, to make sure its safe. A few seconds later T...

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Two rednecks, a brother and a sister, are sitting in their barn...

As it goes in redneck families, they start to have sex. Shortly into the act, the sister says to her brother, "Wow, you fuck just like papa." The brother responds: "Yeah, that's what momma told me."

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