The owner of a large cow farm walks into his barn

He sees that almost 80 of his cows have been packed tightly into the barn and the whole place smells of marijuana. He looks around at several of his farm hands who are smoking and shocked asks, "What are you doing?! OSHA is on their way for an inspection right now!"

One answered, "We know, ...

Johnny would get in to trouble, but no matter how bad things got, he would always return to the barn to pray to Jesus...

... He was a barn again Christian....

Two cows walk into a barn

"man i hate this farm", said the first one.
"mood", mooed the second cow.

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

Thank god for Barnes & Noble

Said Doctors Without Borders

The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

A blonde, a brunette and a red-head are running from the police, and so they head into a farmer’s barn down the street

They open the doors and all hop into potato sacks, and wait.

The Police come in, to see the sacks laying on the ground. The Police officer kicks the first bag, and the redhead goes “MEOW MEOW” “Hm. Must be a cat”. He goes to the second sack and kicks it and the brunette goes “Woof Woof” “Hm....

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

*Staring at a barn full of feed*

Me: That's alot of feed.

Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.

Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat

My friend said i couldnt hit the broadside of a barn.

I didnt mean to hit the dog!

So this city blonde goes to a barn

She asks the farmer: “Excuse me, why does that cow have no horns?”.

The farmer, being quite the expert on the matter, explained to her with great detail:

“Well m’am, there’s many reasons why some cows don’t have horns. Some breeds don’t have horns. For example: Angus cows don’t have ...

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car suddenly breaks-down. They set out to find help, and come to a farmhouse. When they knock on the door, the farmer explains that he has only two beds, and one of the three has to sleep in the barn with the animals.

The three quickly agree. The Rabbi says he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi leaves, there's a knock on the bedroom door. It's the Rabbi, exclaiming, "I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the s...

If a rooster layed an egg on top of a barn which way would the egg roll?

No where, roosters don't lay eggs

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second id...

Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"

Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

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A farmer passing by his neighbours barn saw a strange sight inside

The farmer peered inside the barn door and there was his neighbour dancing around and taking off his clothes in front of an old John Deere. He knocks on the barn door, walks in and asks him why he’s stripping and dancing in his barn. The neighbour says that him and his wife have been having trouble ...

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

A traveling salesman was driving through the countryside when his car broke down.

Without phone service, he walked a couple miles to a farm house where he knocked on the door.

The old farmer answered and the salesman told him of his situation.

The farmer says. "It's getting late, but your welcome to spend the night. We'll call the tow truck in the morning.
<...

Never get on a horse that let itself out of the barn.

It's unstable.

A horse walks into a barn.

The barntender says, "Hey, why the wrong place?"

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

The once was a poor Irish farming family.

Their soil was so poor they mainly grew dirt. They also had a milk cow and what a cow it was. It gave a lot of milk and excellent milk it was. The family sold the milk to buy food and that's what kept them going.

One day the father came outside and saw the milk cow was dead. Not knowing what ...

Did you hear about the crazy man who thought he was a barn?

He's stable now.

Two farmers are sitting in a bar, feeling sad.

"I've had a horrible week," said Farmer Brown. "My tractor broke last week, and I have tried to buy a new one, but no one is selling a tractor at a reasonable price."

"Let me tell you something that happened yesterday," said Farmer Gray. "Yesterday I went into my barn to milk the meanest cow ...

My Horse got sick after being out on the pasture. So our Vet said to bring him into the barn.

He's in a stable condition now.

I'll be at Barnes and Noble signing books

from 7pm EST, until whenever security catches me and kicks me out

Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof...

when the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpe...

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Virgin Mary had just given birth to her child in a barn

The three wisemen are coming to visit and bring gifts. The first one walks into the barn and hands Mary a present. The second one does the same and Mary thanks them both. As the third one was trying to walk into the barn, he stubbed his toe on the doorframe and yelled "Jesus Christ!" to which Mary r...

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

There are three people running from the cops. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and one was a blonde.

Eventually, they find a barn and try to hide from the police.

The brunette decides to hide in a haystack, the redhead decides to hide in a horse trough, and the blonde decides to hide in a bunch of potato sacks.

When the police come by the haystack, they hear a rustle.

"What was...

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A Jew, a Muslim, and a Jehovah's Witness were driving through the countryside when their car broke down.

The only house in the vicinity was an old farmhouse, so they decided to stay there for the night.

"I'm so sorry," said the farmer. "The bed in the guest room only has room for two people." So he volunteered the Jew to sleep in the barn.

Five minutes later, the farmer heard a knock on t...

Three guys have been travelling through mountains for a week.

They were desperate for some rest on a comfy bed. Later on during the night they came across an old house. They knocked on the door and an old man answered. They explained their situation to the old man, the old man agreed but said that he only had one bed in the barn and that they would have to sha...

Billy saw the barn was ablaze, sprinted down the street, burst into a bar room full of gunslingers and shouted "Fire! Fire!"

And they did.

Two cows walk into a barn and start arguing about who gets the wheat

Now they got beef

The perfect guy

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Graham!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Graham Barnes. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, ...

My neighbor has a 15 acre farm, he breeds dogs to do work on them. He grows cantaloupe, and come harvest time the dogs sniff out the ripe ones and bring them back to the barn.

He says the breed are Melon Collies

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.

They are assless chaps.

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

Why is a barn so noisy?

Because cows have horns!

Another Traveling Salesman Joke

Back at the beginning of 1930, there was a traveling salesman who vowed to sell his product in every state in the country. He started in Maine and worked his way across all the northern states. He was so good at selling that he never had to pay for a hotel room. He always could talk people into putt...

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I'm dating a farmer girl

I fucked her ass, I enjoyed it but the barn was pretty cold. I guess I'll try fucking her next time.

What's an Amish's favorite kind of raisin?

A Barn Raisin'!

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A farmer strolls over to visit his neighbor, and finds him dancing, naked, in the barn in front of the farm equipment.

The farmer gasps, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

His neighbor replies, "Well, me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Jokes my grandpa told me when I was a kid.

A man goes duck hunting and spends two days without seeing a duck. On the third day he finally sees one and shoots it. The duck wounded tries to fly away. It lands in a farmer's yard, hits the barn roof, and falls off.
The hunter tries to sneak over the fence. As he gets close to the duck, he se...

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

3 guys fall asleep in a barn

.And when they woke up in the morning, the guy on the right says " I just had the best dream last night, I dreamt I was being given a handjob!"

The guy on the left then said "really? I also dreamed I was being given a handjob!"

The guy who slept on the middle then says I dreamt that I ...

another golfer

So a guy is playing golf with his wife. They\`re on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods.

He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. It\`s in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Lis...

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

How do you get 500 old cows in barn?

Put up a bingo sign.

A blonde a brunette and a redhead rob a bank

They’re in the middle of nowhere running from the police when they come across a barn with all the lights off. They decide to lay low in the barn for the night and wait for the heat to cool down. The farmer hears a commotion and decides to go down to investigate. The three women hear him coming and ...

There are 2 chickens in a barn, one says: "tok, tok, tok, tok, tok".

The other replies: "are you tokking to me"?

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As Farmer Brown approached his neighbor’s barn, he saw Farmer Jones serenading a tractor with songs and compliments. “What are you doing?” Farmer Brown demanded. Farmer Jones replied, “My wife and I have been having marital difficulties and the marital counselor said I needed to do something..."

"...sexy to a tractor.”

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

The Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of rsums he found four people who were equally qualified. An American, an Indian, a European and a Nigerian.He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers w...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

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Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn.

A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, so Dad decides to see what they are doing.


As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town. Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard a...

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Early in the morning, Pa found Junior out behind the barn with his overalls around his ankles, pulling wildly.

Time for chores? Same thing.

Lunch time? Same thing.

Slop the hogs, milk the cows, chop firewood, pump water? Same thing.

"Dammit, Boy!" Pa took him around to the other farms. Smith, two plots over, had a daughter Junior's age. Smith had eight daughters and was glad to unl...

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An Australian farmer walks out of a barn with two sheep under his arms

The farmer’s assistant says “ya shearin’?”

He replies “Nah, I’m gonna fuck em both myself”

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A horse at a barn sees a music video...

...and decides he wants to play the guitar so he calls a local music shop: "Hey, I'm a horse but I want to play the guitar. Do you think you can help me?" Shop owner replies: "Sure, come on over, we'll get you a guitar and teach you how to play it." So the horse spends weeks and weeks learning how t...

Three women escape from a prison and take refuge in an old barn.

The barn is almost empty, except for three old wooden barrels. The police are closing in on them, so they decide they will each hide in a barrel.

After a while the police arrive and start to search the barn. A police office kicks the fist barrel, with a brunette woman inside.

“Meooooow...

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This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

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My mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm go...

To save money my girlfriend and I sold our house and now live with our horses in their barn area.

Ir was tough at first but it's been a stable relationship.

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A farmer has a big problem with an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a local veterinarian.

The veterinarian tells him there is a experimental option to show the bull some hardcore porn.

The farmer says he knows this sounds silly but he has nothing to lose and is willing to try a...

I plan to run power out to my barn.

I’d like to have plumbing as well but that may just be a pipe dream.

If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 6 pm...

until I'm removed by security.

Why did the man work in a barn for his whole life?

Because it was a stable career.

What? were you born in a barn?

If you mean like Jesus. Then yes!

[LONG] Three Robbers Are Making a Getaway.

Having escaped the museum with a Van Gogh, a Monet, and a Picasso, they toss them into their rucksack and get out of there. As they begin driving off, the police arrive on the scene and pursue them for 12 miles. Their car runs out of fuel and they break down behind a barn. Grabbing the paintings, th...

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

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Farmer Joe decides to go down the road to visit his friend Eb.

When he arrives at Eb's farm he hears music coming from Eb's barn.

Going to take a look Joe finds Eb dancing naked around his John Deer!

Taking a step back Joe asks Eb what the heck he's doing?

Eb explains, "Well to be honest me and my woman's been having problems in the bedroom...

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So there's a farmer in his barn yard with a bull and a cow...

The farmer wants the bull to get his cow pregnant with a calf. The bull however is not interested in that at all and just wants to eat grass all day. The farmer gets the bright idea to try to get the bull feeling frisky himself. He takes his hand and shoves it into the cow's vagina. He then pulls it...

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Three dudes sneak into a barn

So, three dudes sneak into a barn, and they're forced to sleep on the same haystack.
The morning after, the dude on the left says, "I had a dream that I was getting the best handjob!"
The dude on the right says, "Holy shit, I had the same dream!" The dude in the middle goes,"I dreamt that I ...

A man & his wife are golfing...

He takes his shot and it slices waaaay over into the neighbor’s farm & lands right in front of the barn. He’s irritated because he knows he’ll lose a stroke just to get the ball back on the fairway.

His wife gets an idea though. “Hey, I’ll tell you what; I can hold the barn door open for...

Irish Cow Joke

There is an old dirt farm family who have nothing of value in this world but their milk cow. Now this was z good milk cow, which gave good high quality milk which they were able to sell and get along, so the family was actually very content. Well one day the father gets up early to milk the cow, as ...

Two cows are standing in a barn.

Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

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Henry and Harriet where reminiscing about their 25yr marriage on their anniversary.

Suddenly Henry breaks down and begins sobbing uncontrollably. Shocked to see her husband showing such emotion she tries to console him.

"Talk to me Sweetheart. What's wrong?"

"Well, remember that day your Pa caught us in the barn having sex?"

"Oh my yes!"

"Remember what h...

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When your fly is unzipped, I’ve realized why people say, “your barn door is open”.

It’s because your cock might escape.

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

3 men are repairing a barn roof when the ladder gets knocked over

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Newfie are all up on a barn roof doing repairs when a strong gust of wind blows their ladder away. The barn is in the middle of nowhere so they might have to wait days before someone passes by to save them.

They all begin looking for a way down but the only t...

I was trying to milk a goat once...

One evening, I was going to milk a goat in the barn. As I started, the goat tried to kick me by her back leg. So I took a rope and tied her leg to one of the wooden poles in the barn.

I tried to continue, but she tried to kick me by the other back leg, so I took another rope and tied it to t...

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A man was walking home drunk

and he decides to take a short cut over a field. In the far end he notices some flashing lights coming from a barn house.

As he gets closer he looks through the window, and to his surprise sees a man in a T-shirt dancing while slowly taking off his overalls.

Drunk as he is, he opens ...

My girlfriend noticed an exceptionally large Barnes and Noble last night

“It’s so big, it’s got two stories!”

Her dad turned and said “I think they’ve got more than that”

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The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn... [NSFW]

The fire department gets a call about smoke coming from a barn. They break down the barn door, and find a young couple with a sleepy-looking Shetland pony. With one hand, the woman is holding a huge bong and blowing marijuana smoke in the pony's face. With her other hand, she is vigorously stroking...

Why are barns the most welcoming building?

They're full of hey

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Cletus is passing by Billy Bob 's hay barn one day when,

Through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow
and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently
slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the
left. He then hunches his shoulders forw...

Bug in the Barn

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udde...

I’m trying to build a barn and keep running into problems.

I just can’t find a stable solution.

TIL Donald Trump personally built the barn for his daughters horses, and apparently he did a better job than most professional barn raisers do.

Guess you could say that makes him a stable Genius.

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

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Barnes and Noble was trying to save money, so they started hiring chickens at their checkout stands.

It started out working pretty well. They were having a sale, and a guy brings two books up to the chicken cashier.

"Book, book! Buck buck buck!" said the chicken. The man paid him $3.



Then a guy brings up five books. The chicken looked a little worried, took a deep breat...

What do you call a milk barn thief?

A creaminal

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

The three wise men walk into a barn...

...and see Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus. Joseph asks why they are disturbing them as his wife had just given birth and needed rest. The first wise man said "I have brought gold for the child."

Joseph thanked him but ask that they leave. Then the second wise man said "I have brought frankincen...

What does an Italian cow say when he gets an extra delivery of hay to the barn?

That's amorehay!

One farmer asks another

\- "Are your cows smokers?"

\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"

\- "Then your barn is on fire."

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.

Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
...

18 Beautiful Women (long)

Three guys get lost hiking and stumble upon a farm with three barns and decide to spend the night. They agree to sleep in separate barns.

The first barn has 18 sheep, the second barn has 18 cows, and the third barn has 18 beautiful women. The guys draw straws and select their barn to sleep i...

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An alien couple land their spaceship in a farmer's field



They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if it's ok to swap spouses for the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.



The male alien takes the ...

I got an anti-gravity book at barnes and noble today.

it's impossible to put down.

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There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...

This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore.

"That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no prob...

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A famer was in need of shit for his fields

Shit really helped his crops grow. He put the word out and soon the three neighboring farmers arrived to help.

But this farmer was brought up right, and knew you never took something for nothing.

The first guy offered a nice truckload of shit. The farmer offered him some plank boards...

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman - all commandos, are parachuting into Germany in WW2.

They land in a field and are spotted by a German soldier who gives pursuit. Their only hiding spot a nearby barn.

They run into the barn looking for somewhere to hide and can only see 3 hem...

An Australian ventriloquist is visiting Afghanistan.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.


He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"


Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."


Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how'...

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