What's a coward?

Mooooooooooo! Get it? A "cow-word"! Damn, I suck.

I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

-Edit: Thank you kind stranger. My first gold!

One cow asks another cow, “Are you afraid of mad cow disease?”

The other cow says, “Why should I be? I’m a helicopter.”

What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

What do you call a strong cow?

Mooscular

Why don’t cows wear shoes?

Because they lactose

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

**your mom**

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

It's still a cow, but if it's a flying cow, it becomes a high steaks situation.

Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows....

A man buys a cow at a market in Minsk

It's a nice, big cow that gives lots of milk. After a while, the man decides that he wants to breed the cow, so he brings the cow to his bull. As soon as the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow steps out of the way! Every time the bull tries, the cow moves just slightly, and the bull fails.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

You marry it.

My friend didn't know the difference between Minced Beef and Minced Cow...

I explained to him that beef mince is a tasty food, but the cow mince is where you find the best jokes.

What does the Chinese cowboy say?

Yeehao

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on family.

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

What do you call it when a cow gets an abortion?

Decalf.

Did you hear about the cow that went to the tannery just because the other cows told him to?

At least he looked good; he was easily suede.

A cow gives birth to 4 cavles, and one day her oldest comes up and asks "Mother, why was I names 'Lotus'

The mother replies saying "Because when you were born, a lotus petal fell on your head". The next day, the mothers second oldest came up and asked why they were called Rose, and the mother replies "Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were born". Her third child asked why they were named ...

If a cow is unable to produce milk...

Is it an udder failure?

Why did the farmer lose the race with his cow through the town square?

Because you can't beat your meat in public.

Two cows are in a field and one says to the other "I'm kind of worried about this Mad Cow disease, are you?

The second cow replies "Nah I'm not worried about it. I'm a helicopter"

A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

Why don’t Mexican cows have a sense of humor?

Because, de yoke is always on them!

What do you call a person who looks after cows?

It's not shepherd, it's coward

The black and the brown cow

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flum...

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

Why did the cow cross the road?

Who knows why your momma does anything.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the sexy brown chicken say to the sexy brown cow?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

Why didn’t the cow cross the road

The chicken said “don’t do it man you’ll never here the end of it”

My buddy in the other room said I have too many cows.

That's what I overherd.

Cow jokes, if you're in the mooOoood....

What do you call a cow with two short legs?


Lean beef.

​

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

​

Why did the cow get an award?

It was out standing in the field.

​

What do you call a cow...

A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows.

He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bu...

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

This mad cow thought he was a wolf, wanted some steak, and started chewing on his old friends

It was cow-nibble-ism

My cow just got artificially inseminated.

No bull.

How do you keep little cows quiet so their mummy can sleep in on Mother’s Day?

Use the Mooote function on their horns

What does it smell like when a cow farts?

Dairy-air

I asked a cattle rancher if he knew any good cow jokes

but he totally butchered them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cows stood in a field...

The first one said "MooooOOOOoooo"
The second one said "You bastard, I was gonna say that!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a bunch of masturbating cows?

Beef circle jerky

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two cows are standing in a field...

One cow turns to the other and says "Daisy, are you worried about catching this 'Mad Cow' disease that's been going around?"

The other cow replies "Don't be so stupid Buttercup! I can't catch it because I'm a helicopter!"

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic Aunt Linda.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

What is the difference between the War on Drugs and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 50 years. (Nixon declared it in 1971)

Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears. He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.

I was at a j...

What is a cow's favorite horror movie?

How It's Made: Hamburgers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Russian farmer caught one of his cows masturbating. He slaughtered it and used the meat to invent a new dish.

He called it Beef Strokinoff.

I saw a multicolored sea cow get hit by a boat

Oh the Hue Manatee!

What do you call a male cow who is taking a nap?

A bull dozer

Two cows were talking in a paddock.

One cow said to the other, "what do you think about this mad cow disease?"

The other cow replied, "what would I care? I'm a tractor."

How do you get 500 old cows in barn?

Put up a bingo sign.

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off...

What was the cow who was knighted called?

Sirloin

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!



Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣

And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!

Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

What does one cow says to other.

Mooooooo......

Cows moo

Cows moo. Remember this.

Knock knock

Whos there

Owl

Owl who?

Yes they do.


Knock knock

Whos there?

Cow

Cow who?

We just went over this! Owls who, cows moo!

How tall does a cow have to be for its milk to be safe to drink?

Pasteurize

A farmer accidentally let his cows graze on his weed field

Dinner that night was high steaks

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

A cow walks into a milk bar.

and no one uddered a word

A farmer is walking to the barn one day to milk the cow...

On his way he passes a small pond on his property, where he hears giggles and splashes.

Upon coming closer he finds several young beautiful women skinny dipping and they all cry out as they see him and jump in, saying “we’re not coming out until you leave !”

“Suit yourself” the farme...

what do you see in a cows nose?

moooooogers

What do young male Spanish cows call each other?

Moo-chachos

Did you hear about the cow that cried wolf?

Fake Moos!

What do cows do on weekends ?

They go to the moo-vies.

What kind of magic do cows believe in?

MOODOO!

Little Billy...

...walks through the village with a cow.

The priest sees him and asks: "Billy, where are you going with that cow?"

"To the bull.", Billy replies.

The priest looks shocked: "What? Why doesn't your father do that?"

Billy with disgust: "Nope, this is always done by the bull....

How do you know when you can trust a cow?

When you have udder confidence in it.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime?

Dairy tales!

Steer clear if you don't like cow puns

Why are cows the most forgiving animals?
Because forgiveness is bovine.
Alternatively: because they're always ready to turn the udder cheek.

Why is it best to hug a cow right after it eats?
Because then it's extra cuddly.

I knew this guy whose favorite thing was to cover a ...

How do you count cows?

With a COW CULATOR

Sorry, I’ll shut up now.

Did you hear about that diaster that killed all those sea cows?

Oh the hu-manatee!

What car does a cow drive?

A cattliac!!

I like my waiters like I like my cows.

Tipped

What do you call it when a cow saves your life?

Bovine intervention.

A baby cow walks up to a mom cow and says

"Mommy,why is my name rose",the mom says "because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head".a 2nd cow asks "why is my name lily?" the mom says "because a Lilly fell on your head when you were born".a third cow comes over and says "dur glu fo dur.".the mom then says "shut up cinder block!"

Why were the 100 cows suddenly with just 92?

They lactate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why dont cows ever win baking contests?

Their pies taste like shit.

What sounds does a micro cow make?

mu

Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could lea...

What’s the difference between a fat cow and your mother?

People will actually eat the cow.

What is it called when you put a cow in an elevator?

Raising the steaks!

What did the father cow say to his daughter, when she came home late yet again?

You are an UDDER disappointment to this family young lady!

(I hit the spoiler on my last post, so just decided to remake it, sorry for the double post).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been told male cows don't deficate

I think that's bullshit

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"