Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows....

What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic Aunt Linda.

What is the difference between the War on Drugs and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 50 years. (Nixon declared it in 1971)

A blonde was touring a farm...

...and asked the farmer, "Why doesn't that cow over there have horns?"

"There are many reasons why a cow doesn't have horns," began the farmer. "Some cows are bred to be hornless. On some cows, the horns come in later. Sometimes, the horns are removed. And on some cows, the horns fall off...

What does a butcher call a cow on a hill?

High Steaks

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

What do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef

What do you call a cow with 1 leg?
A steak

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
your mom :)

Why Shouldn't Cows Smoke Weed?

Because the steaks would be too high.

How do you get 500 old cows in barn?

Put up a bingo sign.

How do cows stay up to date?

They read the moos-paper lmao

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

What does one cow says to other.

Mooooooo......

What kind of magic do cows believe in?

MOODOO!

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

Did you hear about the cow that cried wolf?

Fake Moos!

Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears. He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.

I was at a j...

A cow walks into a milk bar.

and no one uddered a word

How do you know when you can trust a cow?

When you have udder confidence in it.

Cow land

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

How do you count cows?

With a COW CULATOR

Sorry, I’ll shut up now.

Steer clear if you don't like cow puns

Why are cows the most forgiving animals?
Because forgiveness is bovine.
Alternatively: because they're always ready to turn the udder cheek.

Why is it best to hug a cow right after it eats?
Because then it's extra cuddly.

I knew this guy whose favorite thing was to cover a ...

A baby cow walks up to a mom cow and says

"Mommy,why is my name rose",the mom says "because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head".a 2nd cow asks "why is my name lily?" the mom says "because a Lilly fell on your head when you were born".a third cow comes over and says "dur glu fo dur.".the mom then says "shut up cinder block!"

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!



Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣

And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!

Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why dont cows ever win baking contests?

Their pies taste like shit.

What do you call it when a cow saves your life?

Bovine intervention.

What car does a cow drive?

A cattliac!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

there once was a poor farmer family, they had only one cow.

there once was a poor farmer family, they had only one cow that provided milk, and a well behind the house.
one morning the family wakes up to find the cow dead, the whole family gets sad.
that night the farmer goes to the well and starts crying and mourning, now who would provide milk for...

I like my waiters like I like my cows.

Tipped

What is it called when you put a cow in an elevator?

Raising the steaks!

So if a cow doesn't produce milk...

Is it considered a milk dud or a udder failure

Why were the 100 cows suddenly with just 92?

They lactate

What’s the difference between a fat cow and your mother?

People will actually eat the cow.

What did the father cow say to his daughter, when she came home late yet again?

You are an UDDER disappointment to this family young lady!

(I hit the spoiler on my last post, so just decided to remake it, sorry for the double post).

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The family cow

A poor family had a cow. When the time came they were going to sell it and have money to prosper with. It was going to be worth a lot. But until then they replied on the milk.

One day the farmer woke up and seen the cow was mutilated. Blood and guts everywhere. He freaked out knowing that thi...

Chatting with my favorite four year old, we came up with this one: How do cows get their furniture from one house to another?

A mooing van

Did you hear about that diaster that killed all those sea cows?

Oh the hu-manatee!

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

Mating Bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. As they start heading down the alley that had all the bulls, they come up to the first bull's stall and the sign in the stall read: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year. You could lea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been told male cows don't deficate

I think that's bullshit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A business man saw a brown cow and black cow

He then saw a farmer tending the cows.

**Business Man:** Hey you, do you know the owners of these cows?

**Farmer:** Which one? The black or the brown?

**Business Man:** The brown one.

**Farmer:** Yes I know.

**Business Man:** How about the black one?

**Farme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.

I thought to myself, “that’s kind of a crapshoot.”

What did the one cow say to the one who forgot to shave?

Nice moostache.

A herd of cows were standing in a field of marijuana.

The steaks have never been so high.

journalist to farmer : how many cows do you have in your farm ?

farmer : two cows one white and one black

journalist : what do they eat ?

farmer : the white or the black ?

journalist : white

farmer : grass

journalist : and black ?!!

farmer : also grass

journalist : where are you keeping them ?

farmer : t...

Why are the cow, whale and ant best friends?

Because they form cow-whale-ant bond

A rancher thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 98.

So he rounded them up.

If a cat goes meow and a cow goes moo, what does the dog say?

Ed...ward..

An interviewer was interviewing a farmer about his livestock when he noticed two cows.

Interviewer: how much milk do those cows produce?

Farmer: oh the brown one can produce about 6 gallons a day.

Interviewer: and the other one?

Farmer: oh the black one produces the same.

Interviewer: okay and what do you feed them?

Farmer: I feed the brown one grass...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens when a bull gets the Mad cow disease?

He does some weird bullshit.

Science: cowfarts cause climate change. Vegetarians: I'll have what the cows are eating.

Science: cowfarts cause climate change.

Vegetarians: I'll have what the cows are eating.

I bought a cow last week...

The old farmer who sold her to disclosed that only 3 out of the 6 teats produced milk. I brought home and went to milking only to find that he lied and not a single teat produced milk! It was an udder failure.

Where's a Cows Favorite Place to Sit?

The Cowch!

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows?

[remooved]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get if you cross Shaggy with a cow

No one crosses Shaggy and lives

Sorry thats a dead meme

I'm not gonna lie, my girlfriend is a cow. But there's something intriguing about her...

She moos in mysterious ways

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three cow boys

Three cow boys were sitting around a campfire telling their manly stories, first cow boy said,” I must be the toughest cowboy of them all, I once wrestled an angry bull into submission.” Second cowboy said,” that’s nothin, I once but a rattle snake’s head off and drank the venom.” The third cowboy s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

What’s a cow called when it eats another cow?

An American

What do you call a young male cow?

a cowboy

What's a cow's favorite party game?

Moosical chairs.

What did the tortilla say to the depressed cow?

Wanna taco ‘bout it?

Two farmers were looking at their new born cows

And one turns to the other and said “we need to raise the steaks”

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

Did y’all know that my hometown has award winning cows?

They’re out standing in their field!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Irishman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Irish cow.”
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s a Scottish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath”.

I thought about reposting a cow joke...

But what's the point? I see it here every udder day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Susan the cow

Susan the cow was just in the meadow grazing, when she heard the sound of bells. Panicking she starts running towards the barn, where shes met by more ringing of bells. Looking around Susan sees Garet the bull and all his heifers. They all had fancy bells on that make delightful noises at ever movem...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend told me yesterday that if you eat cow feces you grow an immunity to cancer

But that's bull shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

What would a cow wear if it joined the army?

Ca-moooo-flage

A pig, a cow, and a chicken walk into a barbecue.

The End

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Milk The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows...

What did the Zombie cow say?

I want to eat your *grainss*

Did you hear about the mad cow disease outbreak?

It was udder pandemonium

What's a cows favorite activity?

Watching moovies.

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

Humans used to ride cows and bulls into battle before horses were domesticated

It wasn't very good, they were udderly defeated

The milk cow (loooong and NSFW)

There’s this little farm in Ireland- dirt farm, really- but they’ve got the best milk cow in the world.

One day, the farmer comes out and sees his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do, so he hangs himself in the barn, which is sad.

His wife comes out and sees her husband dead,...

A cattle transporter was moving a bus full of baby cows. He tried to make them sit still but they kept rotating.

I guess the veals on the bus go round and round.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the Farmer talks to them

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two import...

What do you call a cow that isn't brave?

A COWard(sorry)

Two bulls were in a field when a new cow was released from the pen.

"Who is the new cow?" Asked one.

"Never seen herbivore." Said the other.

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction.

Two cows are chillin in a barn and one says...

"Are you afraid of that mad cow disease?" Cow #2 responds "Why the f*ck would I care, I'm a squirrel"

Hey Billy, do any of your cows smoke?

Because if not, then your cowshed is burning.