Cow Jokes

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

I yelled "Cow!"

I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike. She gave me the finger. Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. The...

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two impor...

Mr. Fenwood owns a cow, but has nowhere to pasture her . . .

. . . So he talks to his neighbor, Mr. Potter, and cuts a deal to pasture his cow in Potter's field for $200 per month. Months go by and the cow is happy, but Fenwood hasn't paid Potter anything.

After 10 months, Potter goes to Fenwood to sort things out.

"Listen, you owe me $2000 an...

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

What do you call a group of deaf cows

Not herd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM

You have 2...

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

What do you call a cow spying on another cow?

A steak out

A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone's cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God's name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks, "Will you take the cow, then, Father?"

The priest says, "No my son, I cannot accept."

The con...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a tie and a cow’s tail?

The tail covers the entire asshole

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?

The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I’m a helicopter!

What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

What is another name for a cow's fart?

Dairy air from a derriere.

The cow boys watch....

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testi...

Reddit is secretly run by cows, and I can prove it!

[remooved]

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What do cows like to do in their spare time?"

Go to the moovies.

So, what is their favourite genre?

Moosicals.

Also, who is their favourite Italian dictator?

Moosolini.

And what's their favourite food?

(After they inevitably say some "moo" pun, reply in your dryest, most serious voice)

... No, co...

I've never tried cow tipping before.

How much do you usually pay them?

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

where do you find a cow with no legs?

>!\--right where you left it.!<

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

What do you call a cow who is severely mentally ill?

Udderly Insane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.

Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.

"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My favorite joke I was told as a child.

After a cow gives birth...

...is she then de-calf-enated?

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decaffeinated

What do evil cows say?

Moo ha ha.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows

How does a farmer count cows?

On a cowculater :D:D
(ya its crap)

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

Three cows were playing poker while smoking weed

The steaks were high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The black cow and the white cow.

A man goes hiking and he sees a farmer with two cows, one is black and the other is white. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him "What do you feed the cows?" The farmer asks "The black one or the white one?".
"The black one" says the man.
"I feed it grass."
"What about the white one...

What do the cows do when they're bored ?

Go to the moovies

Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"

Because it's a cow word.

----

I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chic...

What do you call a cow having an affair with a camel?

A drama dairy! :D

One cow says to another

"I was artificially inseminated this morning." The second cow replies, "No way, I don't believe you."
The first says, "It's true, no bull."

Why did the cow join Anonymous?

She wanted to be legiondairy.

The Italian mobster Johnny Bones killed a cow.

He killed the cow in a rice field with two porcelain garden gnomes.
Local news headline- "First Known Case of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack"

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interview with a cow

Some guy just came along and pulled on my tits!

How dairy!

What did the cow say to the other cow that was standing in its way?

Mooooooooooooooove.

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

My pastor told this during a sermon once and it still kills me

Two fellas are walking in the woods one day when they come upon a gigantic hole, so big and deep that they can't see the bottom of it. Naturally, their curiosity gets the best of them and they start looking for things to throw in the hole. They find sticks and rocks and throw them in but never hear ...

They say cows kill more people than sharks.

I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

Did you know that cows are actually aliens?

They come from the mooooooon

A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

A cow walks into a milk bar.

and no one uddered a word

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk!

How do cows forgive each other?

They turn the udder cheek.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

A cow walks into a bar...

The bartender says "sorry you can't come in, we don't want any beef here"

What's a cow's favourite Beatles song?

Hay Chewed

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

What do you call a cow in high heels and tiara?

Dairy Queen

What does an evil cow say after it does something evil?

“Moo hahaha…Moo hahaha”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom asked if I was OK with hamburgers for dinner, and I felt bad for the cows.

I said "I at least don't want to eat the *nice* cows. Is there a way to only eat the assholes?" She replied "Hot dogs it is!"

How do you hide a cow?

You Cow-Moo-flage it.

What do you call a male cow who is taking a nap?

A bull dozer

I bought a brand new car and put a cow in it

Yes I beefed it up.

Bad cows, bad cows,

whatcha gonna moo?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow walks up to a man

"Hey man" the cow says "What the fuck?!" says the man "A talking cow?!' The cow laughs and says "bet you've never seen a talking cow before have you!" The man is shocked and says "well what else can you do?" the cow says "lots of things, here I will show you" the cow walks over to a phone box, pulls...

My friend doesn't know how to milk a cow

he's udderly ignorant

I never understood the term "cash cow"..

Sounds like utter non-cents to me.

Did you hear about the cow who spent all day every day in the gym?

It was pretty beefed up

Two bulls are in a field staring at a new cow

One says to the other “I haven’t seen herbivore”

Why is 'reverse cow girl' not allowed in Alabama?

Because you shouldn't turn your back on family

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

What did the momma cow say to her baby cows?

It’s pasture bedtime

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

Milk that cow..

(Its just a Joke) Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

What happened to the cow that refused to become steaks?

She was grounded.

Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.

Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.

However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:

I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow d...

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.

Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.

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