I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

Why do cows wear bells?

Their horns don't work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef Jerkey

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet

Cause they lactose

What do you call a cow with four legs?

Just a cow.

What if it has three? Lean beef.

No legs? Ground beef.

Okay how about a cow with two leg? Your mom.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull?

They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)

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A cow walks into a bar...

The bartender says "get the fuck out of here Karen!"

A farmer had 196 cows across 4 fields.

When he rounded them up, he had 200.

Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns don't work!

(Credit to this old man that just told it to me.)

What kind of magic do cows believe in?


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Cow Jokes

What do u call a cow with 4 legs? A cow

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip

What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Meat

What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Steak

What do u call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

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There are 4 cows. 1 mom, 3 babies.

The first baby walks up to her and says, “ Mommy, why am I called Rose?” Mama says, “ Its because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head.” The second baby walks up and says, “Mommy, why is my name Lily?” Mama says, “ That is because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head.” Th...

What do you get when you cross a Cow with an Octopus?

An immediate withdrawal of your funding and a visit from the Ethics Committee.

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I was told that make cows can't defecate.

Well, that was bullshit.



Did you hear about the fly that entered a cow's ear and ended up in the milk pail the next morning?

It went into one ear and out the udder.

Cow without teats

udder nonsense

What do you call a female cow that can't produce milk?

A miss-steak

(Sorry this probably would do better in dad jokes)

What would a cow say if she hated something?


What is a cow's least favorite part of being a detective?

The steak-out.

Did you hear about the farmer who left his gate open, causing his fattest cow to escape?

It was a huge missed steak

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Someone once told me that male cows can't poop...

I thought about it for a second before I realized; that's just bullshit

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A mama cow had three baby calves.

Her first calf, named Sunlight, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Sunlight?"

Her mom replied, "When you were born, a ray of sunlight landed on your head."

Her second calf, named Butterfly, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Butterfly?"

Her mo...

The best milk cows have seven teats

Because they lactate.

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What do Indian Cows Produce?

Holy shit.

There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens, how many didn't?


A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.


How do cows do Maths?

They use a cowculator.

Today I learned that cows can't eat the round bales of hay.

Because they need to have a square meal.

Do you know about the invisible cow?

Apparently it’s never been seen, only herd

What do you call a cow species that can box?

Mike bisons.

What happened when the cow jumped over a fence?

It was an udder disaster!

My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

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The black cow and the white cow

A curious guy sees a farmer tending to two cows in his field.

Guy: Hey, what do you feed those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Grass.

Guy: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The white one...

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your ...

Why was the youtuber so good at handling cows?

Because he was used to milking content.

Why did the cow win the Nobel prize?

Because it was out standing in its field

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef, and why do people prefer ground beef?

...Because flying cows are hard to catch.

Two cows are talking to each other.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the delusional cow disease?
Coe 2: why the hell would I care? I'm a helicopter.

What do you call a group of cows in America?

The United Steaks of America

As a farmer, I started feeding my cows marijuana.

But, I had to sell them because the steaks were too high.

Did you hear about the cow that was shot for grazing in the marijuana patch?

The steaks have never been higher.

You are on the beach, you look in the distance and you see a rad-looking cow surfing on the waves. What does he say?


What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?

An udder failure.

What do you call a cow that everyone likes?


How does an evil cows laughter sound like?


Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep"

What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

What's a cow's favorite coffee?


This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off.

What do you call a cow on stilts?

A high-steaks gambol

On our farm, I don't milk the cows

It's done by the udder guy

What is a cow's favorite music genre?


Man 1: "driving down a highway" check out that flock of cows!

Man 2: flock?

Man 1: yeah? What's wrong?

Man 2: its herd

Man 1: herd?

Man 2: yeah, herd of cows

Man 1: of course I've heard of cows. Theres a flock of them over there!

In the beginning, God asked Adam to name the animals, so he began to invent names, “Lion, Tiger, Horse, Cow, Pig...” Then God said, “You must name the sea animals too.” Adam was exhausted, but he knew how important this was, so he continued...

“Sea lion, Tiger shark, Sea horse, Sea cow, Sea pig…”

What sound does an Australian cow make?


A farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows.

"Easy" I said.

"20 cows."

Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?


Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?


This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

What are the cow's cells made of?


How do you tell the difference between a guy cow and a girl cow?

Milk them both and the guy cow will smile

What do you call a cow with antlers?

A Moose.

(Credit to my 5 year old son. He makes dad so proud!)

How did Jack's mother find out he didn't sell the cow at the market?

He'd bean stalked.

Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

There were 19 cows in a pasture

A cowboy came by and asked me to help him round them up.

I said “sure”... “there’s about twenty”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of cow has two legs?

Your mom.

Sorry... But my 11 year old just told me this and I lost my shit.

Today, my friend went to gamble on cows.

I hope he wins, the steaks are high.

Two cows walk into a barn and start arguing about who gets the wheat

Now they got beef

What did the Italian farmer name his fascist cow?


What’s one of the worst crimes a cow can commit?


What did the male cow say to the attractive female cow?

You’ve got a nice dairyaire

What do you call a genetically engineered cow?

A mootant

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

Why don't cows wear shoes?

Because they lactose

(Lack toes)

It’s white, says moo but it’s not a cow

A sheep with a identity disorder

I just lost 33.3% of my Cow


This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mad Cow Disease

A Sexy Female TV reporter, with Big boobs, interviews a farmer, seeking the cause of Mad Cow disease.

Lady: Sir, we are here to get info on what causes Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea?

The farmer said, "Do you know that a Bull screws a Cow only once a year?"


What did the cow say to the other cow who entered the horse race?

It’s udderly impossible!

What do you call a cow with no feelings?

My ex wife!

(My dad told this and I laughed to hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Cow and a Woman?

A Cow can stand in a river, up to it's tits, without getting it's ass wet.

What’s the difference between vegans and cows?

We eat cows.

My 4 year old cane up with this one. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack toes.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?”
“What do I care?” says the other. “I’m a helicopter.”

Imagine a cow with twelve teets...

Sound silly, dozentit?

What is a cow emoji called?

An emooji.

Cows spend a lot of time on their feet.

I bet they have great calves.

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

What do you get when you pamper a cow

Spoiled milk

The accident

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is tired of milking his cows,

So one day, when he sees an advertisement for an automatic cow milker, he immediately orders it.

Two weeks later, when his wife is out buying groceries, the package arrives. The farmer, feeling very horny, opens it up, immediately sticks his dick into it, and turns it on.

The orgasm he...


A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.

The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says ...

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