Why do cows have hooves and not feet?

Because they lactose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

where do you find a cow with no legs

right where u left it

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom

Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

Where did I take a cow on a date?

To the moooovies.

Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks has never been higher.

A cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows,

I replied 'Of course, that'll be 20 cows'

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of bullshit !

Where do you find a cow that doesn't have any legs

Right where you left it. It isn't going anywhere.



(You thought this was going to be a "ground beef" joke, didn't you?)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's two cows talking in a field.

The first one says, "Did you hear the farmer just bought a new tractor?" The second cow is about to reply when a dog walks up and says, "What's up, ladies?"

The first cow says "Holy shit! A talking dog!"

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

Two cows are standing in a field.

One of them says, "There's been rumors going around about a 'Mad Cow Disease.' Do you think it's real?"

The other cow says, "I don't care! I'm a helicopter!"

Why shouldn't cows smoke weed?

Because the steaks would be too high

What is at the back of a cow and front of a women?

Letter 'w'

Why Do You Never See Camels Going To School With Cows?

Because they don't want to put up with that drama dairy.

(My wife came up with this, don't hate me.)

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What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin' off!

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards….

The steaks were pretty high.

Where does the King of Cows live?

In the Cattle

What do you call a cow who's bratty on Christmas?

Ungulateful!

How'd the farmer find his lost cow?

He tractor down.

Two cows are grazing together.

The first looks over to the second and asks, “Did you hear about the recent outbreak of Mad Cow disease?”


The second continues his grazing, unconcerned. “Why should I care? I’m a helicopter!”

how does a cow wash its mouth??

using a moo-thwash.

sorry. if you did nto like it..
i got this idea while i was .... showering.. thought to share with you all.

Did you know: the cows with the sweetest, most delectable milk have a unique defensive mechanism?

Horns!

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a hand job in a cow pasture?

A beef jerky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 mothers are talking: a hen, a cow, and a bitch

They’re bragging about how important they are to humanity.

The hen says “I give people eggs, the most popular breakfast ever, and when I die I can feed a family for a night.”

The cow says “that’s nothing, my milk gets drank at any meal, humans make it into yogurt and all sorts of bak...

Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.

Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?

Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.

Cow is climbing up the tree..

Crow asks her -" Cow for f sake! Why are climbing on that tree?"

Cow - I want to eat some apples.

Crow - What? That's a pine!! It doesn't grow apples!

Cow - It's ok i took some apples with me.

Where do cows go on weekends??

To the ....



Moooooooovies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cows are standing in a field.

One of them says moooo.

The other one says, you bastard! I was just about to say that!

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef


Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Stake

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

How do cows shade their room?

They use beef curtains

What did the Spanish cow say to the other cow when it wiped the grass off its rear?

Grassy-ass

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

A farm was bombed and only one cow survived.

All the udders died.

What sort of moovies do cows like to watch?

Moosicals

What does a cow say?

What does a buck tooth cow say?
Moof.

What does a cow with no lips say?
oooo.

What does a buck tooth cow with no lips say?
Kill me now.

The kind of joke that should have been invented by a six year old, but instead by me, a thirtysomething: What kind of fungus grows on a cow?

a mooooshroom

(I don't know if I can actually claim credit as an inventor of this joke, but I've never heard it anywhere)

A cow was climbing up a tree

Squirrel: Why are you climbing the tree?

Cow: I want to eat a couple of apples

squirrel: But, this is an oak

Cow: Don't worry, I'm bringing a few along

Why did the cow wear a bell around its neck?

Because her horns didn't work.

Bad cows, bad cows,

whatcha gonna moo?!

Where do Cow Farts come from?

The Dairy Air.

What do you call a cow that can’t feel pain?

A c

Why was the cow in therapy?

Because of his low moooooood

What kind of poker do stoned cows play?

High steaks.

What do you get when you milk a stone cow?

A stiff drink.

Why does a cow have hooves?

They lac-tose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer can't get his cows to mate.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

What happened when the brown chicken met the brown cow?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt?

10

What do you call a sea cow in Seattle?

A sea-cattle.





I'm so sorry for the cringe...

The owner of a large cow farm walks into his barn

He sees that almost 80 of his cows have been packed tightly into the barn and the whole place smells of marijuana. He looks around at several of his farm hands who are smoking and shocked asks, "What are you doing?! OSHA is on their way for an inspection right now!"

One answered, "We know, ...

What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered?

Little miss Steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later He built a wall with barbed wires on top.

A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.

Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.

The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.
The consultant explained: "First of all.. stand 60 feet ...

what is the difference between a sad ghost and an angry cow?

one boos sadly the other moos madly

Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs?

It's a long tail.

farmer: how many cows got out?

**me:** seventeen

**farmer:** round 'em up

**me:** ok twenty

How do cows say “I love you”?

With a s-mooooo-ch!

How do you call a drug dealing cow?

A narcow

What do you call a ship carrying dairy cows?

A Galleon of Milk

A little boy walked up to the farmer watching over cows in his field.

Boy:wow! Would you look at that bunch of cows!

Farmer: Herd

Boy: Heard of what?

Farmer: Herd of cows

Boy: Of course I’ve heard of cows

Farmer: No, a cow herd

Boy: what do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.

(No punchline but my dad u...

Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

In honor of 420.

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

What do you cvall it when a cow wanders into a beauty contest?

Miss Steak

A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar

The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers? Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent.

It's Being Called An Udder Shame.

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

Driving down a country road I pointed to a flock of cows...

Son: Herd of cows, dad.

Me: Well of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there!

What do you call a black and white cow?

Moo-latto

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

Two cows walk into a barn

"man i hate this farm", said the first one.
"mood", mooed the second cow.

The finals of any sport World Cup is like cows on an airplane.

The steaks have never been higher.

A lawyer, A rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk...

...Are driving together on Route 66. It's beginning to get dark and they are wishing for a place to stop but there isn't a town for miles. Then they spot an old farmhouse and decide to ask. The farmer meets them at the door and listens to their request. He says that he would be glad to let them stay...

Why don't couples do reverse cow girl in Alabama?

You don't turn your back on family

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows?

Every udder day

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

A cow and a cat are chatting in a field...

...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.

The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."

And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."

I’ve never tipped a cow.

But, then again, I’ve never had one serve me drinks or a meal.

Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow?

Because it’s In defence of bull!

How do you tell if a cow is male or female?

If you are alive after trying to milk it, it’s female

Calling your wife a “cow” won’t encourage her to lose weight.

Heifer go to the gym

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

There's a technique in theoretical physics that models complex systems as spherical cows.

The Your Mom approach.

My cow saves every scap of usable material.

He's recyclebull

Cows are amazing

Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.

He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

Whats the difference between a cow and a car?

I don't have a car

What do you call the world's tallest cow ?

I can't tell you: The Steaks are too high

Once upon a time, Spanish galleon was sent to rescue some farmers and their cows in a settlement...

...they arrived on schedule and picked up the farmers and their cows, which took up half of the cargo hold. As the journey continued, they miked the cows, eventually filling up the remainder of the hold with various dairy products.

Finally, they reached their destination, but before they wer...

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

I donated to a group trying to make all cows go extinct.

It’s a no bull cause.

What do you call a slightly injured Cow?

Ow.

What do you say to a cow that does somewhat decent on an exam?

Medium well done.

Side joke: It made very few mis steaks

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