The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

I told my daughter, "Go to bed. The cows are in the field."

Puzzled, she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I told her, "That means it's pasture bedtime!"

A farm was bombed and only one cow survived.

All the udders died.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef


Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Stake

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off

Why was the cow in therapy?

Because of his low moooooood

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

The owner of a large cow farm walks into his barn

He sees that almost 80 of his cows have been packed tightly into the barn and the whole place smells of marijuana. He looks around at several of his farm hands who are smoking and shocked asks, "What are you doing?! OSHA is on their way for an inspection right now!"

One answered, "We know, ...

A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards....

That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.

What do you call a sea cow in Seattle?

A sea-cattle.





I'm so sorry for the cringe...

Bad cows, bad cows,

whatcha gonna moo?!

What do you call a cow that can’t feel pain?

A c

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer can't get his cows to mate.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

What happened when the brown chicken met the brown cow?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

Where do Cow Farts come from?

The Dairy Air.

what is the difference between a sad ghost and an angry cow?

one boos sadly the other moos madly

The other day a farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows

I said yeah - that's 20 cows.

Did you hear the story about the cow that appears to have 5 legs?

It's a long tail.

there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt?

10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later He built a wall with barbed wires on top.

A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.

Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.

The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.
The consultant explained: "First of all.. stand 60 feet ...

Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

In honor of 420.

What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered?

Little miss Steak.

Two cows walk into a barn

"man i hate this farm", said the first one.
"mood", mooed the second cow.

A Pig, a Cow, and a Horse walk into a bar

The bartender says “ shall I start a tab, fellas? “ the Pig says “ Aye “, the Cow says “ Aye “, the Horse says “ Neigh “.

What do you call a ship carrying dairy cows?

A Galleon of Milk

How do you call a drug dealing cow?

A narcow

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers? Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent.

It's Being Called An Udder Shame.

What do you get when you mix a duck and a cow?

Milk and quackers

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

How do cows say “I love you”?

With a s-mooooo-ch!

A little boy walked up to the farmer watching over cows in his field.

Boy:wow! Would you look at that bunch of cows!

Farmer: Herd

Boy: Heard of what?

Farmer: Herd of cows

Boy: Of course I’ve heard of cows

Farmer: No, a cow herd

Boy: what do I care what a cow heard? I got no secrets from a cow.

(No punchline but my dad u...

A cow was recently given the badge of bravery.

Her actions proved she was no cow-ard.

farmer: how many cows got out?

**me:** seventeen

**farmer:** round 'em up

**me:** ok twenty

Worried about when cows start smoking marijuana

The steaks just can't get any higher.

The finals of any sport World Cup is like cows on an airplane.

The steaks have never been higher.

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

Driving down a country road I pointed to a flock of cows...

Son: Herd of cows, dad.

Me: Well of course I've heard of cows, there's a whole flock of them over there!

Why do cows wear bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

The only joke I know.

How does a cow introduce his wife...?

He says, "meat patty".

I am very sorry.

Edit: it makes sense that my only popular post is a dad joke. I've never received any awards before so thank you everyone, this is insane.

Also, I understand everyone is upset about the cow vs b...

What do you call a black and white cow?

Moo-latto

What did the cow say to the butcher?

Stop it, Or we'll have beef

Why can’t you ever justify something wrong done by a male cow?

Because it’s In defence of bull!

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

Why don't couples do reverse cow girl in Alabama?

You don't turn your back on family

Two cows are standing in a field...

Two cows are standing in a field,
One turns to the other and says, “Did you hear about the Mad Cow Disease going around the farm?”
The other cow responds, “Good thing I’m a helicopter.”

How do you tell if a cow is male or female?

If you are alive after trying to milk it, it’s female

I’ve never tipped a cow.

But, then again, I’ve never had one serve me drinks or a meal.

How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows?

Every udder day

There's a technique in theoretical physics that models complex systems as spherical cows.

The Your Mom approach.

A cow and a cat are chatting in a field...

...and ultimately don't quite come to agreement on the topic of discussion.

The cat walks off smarmily and says, "Well, see you later, prime rib."

And the cow replies, "Yep, see you later, Kung Pao Chicken."

My cow saves every scap of usable material.

He's recyclebull

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

Once upon a time, Spanish galleon was sent to rescue some farmers and their cows in a settlement...

...they arrived on schedule and picked up the farmers and their cows, which took up half of the cargo hold. As the journey continued, they miked the cows, eventually filling up the remainder of the hold with various dairy products.

Finally, they reached their destination, but before they wer...

Mr Palmer was given the cow farmer of the year award today.

He said "this is the first time I've had a pat on the back"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Why do cows have hooves

Instead of feet? They lactose

I donated to a group trying to make all cows go extinct.

It’s a no bull cause.

What do you say to a cow that does somewhat decent on an exam?

Medium well done.

Side joke: It made very few mis steaks

Whats the difference between a cow and a car?

I don't have a car

What do you call the world's tallest cow ?

I can't tell you: The Steaks are too high

Cows are amazing

Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

Why did the farmer let his cows graze on marijuana plants?

He liked high steaks.

Irish Cow Joke

There is an old dirt farm family who have nothing of value in this world but their milk cow. Now this was z good milk cow, which gave good high quality milk which they were able to sell and get along, so the family was actually very content. Well one day the father gets up early to milk the cow, as ...

What do you call a slightly injured Cow?

Ow.

What is the favorite school of magic for cow wizards?

Moodoo

A young cow runs crying to her mom...

A young cow runs crying to her mom...

"Momma, a bull came down to mate with me!"

Momma: "No need to cry my child. It's perfectly natural."

"But momma he insisted on sucking on my teats because it gets him in the mood!"

"He did What? How dairy!"

Where do baby cows eat dinner?

**In a calfeteria.**

(Told to me by my 5 year old granddaughter)

Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready?

It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back

What did Donald Trump say to the cow?

Fake moos!

A woman wakes up under a cow

She says: "one at a time boys"

One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines.

It tasted offal.

What do Catholic cows do on Fridays?

Chew their cod.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

Cow or bull?

A farmer learned on his first day how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull... "This milk tastes funny"

Why was the cow scared

Because its life was at steak!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

How do you know you've mistaken a bull for a cow?

The taste of the milk.

How do you address the queen of cows?

Your moojesty.

The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging.

I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

Took me 4 times the usual to milk a cow today.

He only had one udder, which was strange.

What do you call it when you’re milking a cow, and the milk goes everywhere but in the bucket?

Udder chaos

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

Invisible Cow

How can you make a cow invisible?

Camooflage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow...

...w/ no legs? Ground beef.

...w/ 1 leg? Stake.

...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.

...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.

...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy.

...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.

...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.

...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.

...w/ a twitch? B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There has been some speculation as to whether male cows defecate.

As you can see... That's bullshit.

My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor Irish family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I saw a cow spontaneously catch on fire the other day

Guess you could call it a rare experience

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person that sells cow poop?

An entre-manure

How do dyslexic cows organise their time?

With a dairy

I have a decent joke about a cow but it’s pretty offensive so I’ll probably need to take it down

[remooooooved]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do cows look so depressed after being milked?

Well if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn't shag you, you`d be pissed off too!

What do you call an Epic Cow?

Legend Dairy

What do healthy cows eat for breakfast?

Mooesli

The once was a poor Irish farming family.

Their soil was so poor they mainly grew dirt. They also had a milk cow and what a cow it was. It gave a lot of milk and excellent milk it was. The family sold the milk to buy food and that's what kept them going.

One day the father came outside and saw the milk cow was dead. Not knowing what ...

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence?

It was udder destruction

Never tell a cow a joke

It’ll just go in through one ear and out through the udders.

Why couldn’t the cow get a pedicure?

Because he lactose

What did the cow do when it ate a fish?

It chewed the cod

Two cowboys are riding the range on a bitterly cold day when one of them vaults out of the saddle and picks up a piece of a frozen cow pat.

He rubs it on his mouth for a moment and then throws it away. As he remounts, his pard gives him an odd look, so he grunts "Chapped lips".

"I see," says his pard. "That helps 'em heal, does it?"

"Nope," says the first cowboy, "but it sure stops me lickin' them."

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