The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see....

What do you call a sneaky cow?

Invisibull.

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

What do you call a cow...

...with 2 legs?
Lean Beef.
...with no legs?
Ground beef.
...with no legs burried halfway in the dirt?
Steak.

What do evil cows say?

Moo ha ha.

There were two cows in a field.

One said "moo", the other one said "I was going to say that!"

A pair of cows...

... were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

---

---

But if you fuck it youre going to jail

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

An investor wishes to purchase a cow

An investor wishes to purchase a cow from a farmer. When he visits the farm, the investor finds the farmer along with 2 cows- One black, one brown. The investor begins to ask the farmer about the cows.

"So how often do you feed them?"

"The black one? Or the brown one?" asks the farmer....

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

How do you count cows?

With a cowculator.

What happened when the cows escaped from the paddock?

Udder Chaos!

What do cows and legs have in common?

They both have calves.

What did the scared cow say before being murdered?

**This is terror bull**

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

where do you find a cow with no legs

right where u left it

A bunch of cows where playing poker while smoking weed

... the steaks were high

Is that cow from Minsk?

A small village in Russia had a cow that was able to produce enough milk for the village. She produced like a machine, until one day she started producing less and less. Realizing that her production was going to cease, the villagers asked their Rabbi for advice.

"You should go to the place ...

When the cow jumped over the moon...

Never have the steaks been so high.

Why did the cow travel to the moon?

To checkout the Milky Way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

How did a cow know the date?

He read a moospaper.

Where do cows go to get a chest massage?

Huddersfield

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?

The cow’s got the udder.

What did the angry cow say to her calf?

It's pasture bedtime!

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf!

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

What do you call the meat from a cow that died in a helicopter crash?

Kobe beef.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between cow shit and bull shit?

I was telling my mate a story about how I found 2 identical piles of dried shit. So, I picked one of them up and tossed it in the air. It went 5 metres high before almost landing on my head. I then threw the other one up, 5 metres, 10, 20, it just wouldn't come down. And you know what my mate said ...

What do you call a cow that you sit on but it’s super painful?

A couch.

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

A cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows,

I replied 'Of course, that'll be 20 cows'

Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks has never been higher.

Where do you find a cow that doesn't have any legs

Right where you left it. It isn't going anywhere.



(You thought this was going to be a "ground beef" joke, didn't you?)

What type of Covid are cows most susceptible to?

The Mu variant.

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a cow?

An animal in a...
baaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of bullshit !

How much Spanish did the cow know?

Muuuuucho!

What's the worst that could happen to an heretic cow ?

Being burned to the steak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a sign outside a farm offering free male cow waste

That's Bullshit, I thought to myself.

Two cows are standing in a field.

One of them says, "There's been rumors going around about a 'Mad Cow Disease.' Do you think it's real?"

The other cow says, "I don't care! I'm a helicopter!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's two cows talking in a field.

The first one says, "Did you hear the farmer just bought a new tractor?" The second cow is about to reply when a dog walks up and says, "What's up, ladies?"

The first cow says "Holy shit! A talking dog!"

Why wouldn’t the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on marijuana instead of actual grass?

The steaks were too high.

Why Do You Never See Camels Going To School With Cows?

Because they don't want to put up with that drama dairy.

(My wife came up with this, don't hate me.)

Two cows are grazing together.

The first looks over to the second and asks, “Did you hear about the recent outbreak of Mad Cow disease?”


The second continues his grazing, unconcerned. “Why should I care? I’m a helicopter!”

How tall are baby cows?

About calf height

What is at the back of a cow and front of a women?

Letter 'w'

How does the cow own the dance floor at barnyard parties?

He's got the moos like Jagger.

Dad -- Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.

Daughter -- What's that got to do with anything?

Dad -- That means it's pasture bed time.

how does a cow wash its mouth??

using a moo-thwash.

sorry. if you did nto like it..
i got this idea while i was .... showering.. thought to share with you all.

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

How'd the farmer find his lost cow?

He tractor down.

Where does the King of Cows live?

In the Cattle

Did you know: the cows with the sweetest, most delectable milk have a unique defensive mechanism?

Horns!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a hand job in a cow pasture?

A beef jerky.

What do you call a cow who's bratty on Christmas?

Ungulateful!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With Age Comes Wisdom

Two bulls, a father and son, are standing on top of a hill, looking down at the herd or cattle below. The younger bull turns to his father and says "Hey Pops, we should run down this hill and fuck some of those cows!"

The older bull shakes his head. "No, son," he says, "we should *walk* dow...

Cow is climbing up the tree..

Crow asks her -" Cow for f sake! Why are climbing on that tree?"

Cow - I want to eat some apples.

Crow - What? That's a pine!! It doesn't grow apples!

Cow - It's ok i took some apples with me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 mothers are talking: a hen, a cow, and a bitch

They’re bragging about how important they are to humanity.

The hen says “I give people eggs, the most popular breakfast ever, and when I die I can feed a family for a night.”

The cow says “that’s nothing, my milk gets drank at any meal, humans make it into yogurt and all sorts of bak...

A farm was bombed and only one cow survived.

All the udders died.

How do cows shade their room?

They use beef curtains

Did you know that cows are some of the world’s best dancers?

They’ve got all the moves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman...

What did the Spanish cow say to the other cow when it wiped the grass off its rear?

Grassy-ass

Bad cows, bad cows,

whatcha gonna moo?!

What does a cow say?

What does a buck tooth cow say?
Moof.

What does a cow with no lips say?
oooo.

What does a buck tooth cow with no lips say?
Kill me now.

A cow was climbing up a tree

Squirrel: Why are you climbing the tree?

Cow: I want to eat a couple of apples

squirrel: But, this is an oak

Cow: Don't worry, I'm bringing a few along

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

The kind of joke that should have been invented by a six year old, but instead by me, a thirtysomething: What kind of fungus grows on a cow?

a mooooshroom

(I don't know if I can actually claim credit as an inventor of this joke, but I've never heard it anywhere)

What sort of moovies do cows like to watch?

Moosicals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

A rabbi, a hindu and a lawyer go to work on a farm...

When it comes time to sleep, the farmer says he has only two beds available, so one of them will have to sleep in the barn.

The hindu is humble and goes out to sleep in the barn. Five minutes later there's a knock on the farmer's door, it's the hindu. He says there's a cow in the barn and it...

On the first day...

...God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And Go...

Where do Cow Farts come from?

The Dairy Air.

Why was the cow in therapy?

Because of his low moooooood

there were 30 cows and 28 chicken. how many didnt?

10

farmer: how many cows got out?

**me:** seventeen

**farmer:** round 'em up

**me:** ok twenty

What happened when the brown chicken met the brown cow?

Brown-chicken-brown-cow

Why did the cow wear a bell around its neck?

Because her horns didn't work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer can't get his cows to mate.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

What do you get when you milk a stone cow?

A stiff drink.

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

Why did the cows go to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

In honor of 420.

What did mr and mrs Cow name their calf who they sent away to be slaughtered?

Little miss Steak.

What do you call a sea cow in Seattle?

A sea-cattle.





I'm so sorry for the cringe...

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

what is the difference between a sad ghost and an angry cow?

one boos sadly the other moos madly

Why does a cow have hooves?

They lac-tose

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.