Where do cow farts come from?

The dairy air.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs

Your mom

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef!

A cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

A cow with 2 legs?

YO MAMA

How do you know that steaks are only cut from male cows?

Because a steak cut from a female cow would be a miss steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

$5000 Dollar Cow

A couple were driving down the road one day when the man sees a sign advertising a cow for sale for $5000 dollars. Shocked he tells his wife he needs to go see why this cow is worth 5 grand.

When he gets to the farm he knocks on the farmers door and says, excuse me but I seen the sign on the...

Why are cows such great coworkers?

Because they’re out standing in their field.


My 8-year-old nephew said this joke today and he can’t stop laughing. I thought you all would enjoy it.

The Cow goes "Moooo". The Cat goes "Meow". The Pig goes "Oink".

The Dog goes "Ed-war....do"





(ik it's old but can't help it)

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

Why don't cows have any money?

Because farmers milk them dry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin' off!

Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

What do you get from a pampered cow?

*Spoiled milk*

now laugh

How do you call a Chinese cow thats connected to a computer network?

Moolan.

All of the cows on the farm networked all of their computers so they could stream the latest Disney film

They set up a moo LAN.

How does a cow feel?

sMOOth

I'd like to thank my inner 10 yr old for coming up with this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cow nsfw

Once upon a time there lived a family and their cow. One morning the mother woke up and saw the cow Laying on the ground dead and she said to herself“ if the cow is dead than I can’t sell here milk and if i can’t sell milk then I can’t feed my family so there is no point in living” and she hang her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

What do you call the cross between a bee and a cow?

Bumblebeef

Whenever my son puts on a cloak he starts running around like a male cow.

He's in cape a bull.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. The first bull growled, "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows!" The second bull snorted, "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows!"

The third grunted in agreement, "I've only been here a year and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows!"

Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.

At 4,70...

I just lost a third of my cow

ow

How do you tell the difference between a bull and a milk cow?

It is either one or the udder.

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

Why did the cow go to Hawaii?

To attend her first Mooau!

Do you know the difference between a mailbox and a cow?

If your answer was no, you had better not become a mailman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?


Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?


Man: The brown one.


Farmer: About a half gallon a day.


Man: And the black one?


Farmer: About a half gallon a day.


Man (looki...

What did the cow with no lips say?

Oooo

What’s the #1 use for cow hide in the world?

Holding cows together.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

So if a Chicken carries salmonella, and a Cow carries e-coli, what does a pig carry?

A gun, a badge, and a "get out of jail free" card.

Why do cows wear cowbells?

Because their horns don’t work.

Cow Booze

Q: What's a cow's favorite kind of liquor?
A: MOOnshine

Why don’t cows get Covid?

They are imooooooon.

A friend of mine is afraid of cows

He lives his life in udder fear.

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.

They're always raising the steaks.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

Why did the farmer wrap the cow around his body?

It was a jersey

A farmer has 3 bulls and 200 cows

One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows.

One day the farmer gets another bull.

The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium...

I heard a school of piranhas can skeletonize a cow in under 30 seconds.

That's pretty fishous!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow named bella was moved to a new pasture.

Grazing in the field next to her was a bull named Hannibal, an absolute unit of a specimen. Bella desired the big Hannibal greatly, but a barbed wire fence separated them.

" please Hannibal, mighty bull, leap across the fence to me!" Cried Bella
" I cannot!" Replied Hannibal sadly, " thi...

What do you call a racist cow and chicken?

The moo clucks klan

What do you call a cow that has gone dry?

A milk dud or a udder failure.

What kind of meat do you get from Minecraft cows?

Cornered Beef

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He browses through a cattlelog.

Why did the cow wear a neckerchief to the MMA fight?

It was mooey tie night.

What do you call a group of cows following a trend?

A Moovement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer loses his only cow and is now struggling to makes ends meet.

He has 3 sons who work with him in the fields. Let's call them A, B, and C with A being the oldest and C the youngest.

Later that night, unbeknownst to them, the father walks into the woods to commit suicide but he meets an Angel instead.

The Angel asks, "why are you crying, old man?"...

What's it called when you put a cow in a elevator?

Raising the steaks.

Did you hear about the two cows who got in fight?

They had beef.

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

One day on a farm, a man was accused of milking all the cows to keep the milk for himself.

When he was confronted about it he said, "What an utter lie."

What’s the difference between a cow and GTA V?

You can’t milk a cow for 7 years

What happens when a cow eats dynamite?

Well, its abominable.

Where can you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

Cow stumbles into pot field

The steaks have never been higher.

Credit to indian hills puns check them out they're great

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

What do you call a cow who travels with you and can make phone calls?

A moo-bile phone

Which cow needs to wear a bell?

The one whose horns don't work.

Two cows are grazing next to each other in a field...

One cow says to the other, "The news is so scary with all this talk of mad cow disease, it really has me worried"

The other cow looks over and says ," I'm not worried at all..... I'm a helicopter....."

I'd post a joke about a Cow but...

I'm sure you guys would Milk it in the comments.

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

What do cows give you?

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

How do cows greet each other in Germany?

Gluten tag.

What did the journalist say when he saw an obese sea cow explode?

Oh the huge manatee!

Why did the cows return to the Marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a rancher, I'm here to tell you that constipated male cows are THE most dangerous...

...no bullshit.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Disabled










I'm sorry, I know I'm a terrible person but I heard this and just had to share it.

A cow crossing a street sees a glove in ground. All ashamed and blushing goes:

Oh my god. Who's bra is this

NOTE: It's a dad joke but I didn't know how to make a #DadJoke label. So consider yourself warned.

Guy #1 I've never been good at counting cows.

Guy #2: Let me count .... hmmm .... 1341.

Guy #1: Wow! That is impressive. How did you do that?

Guy #2: Easy. I just count the legs and divide by 4.

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

If a veterinarian says a pregnant cow needs to have an abortion...

Does that mean he's ordering a de-calf?

A bunch of boys decide to go cow tipping...

They go up to the fence and they are all standing there. They all point out the closest cow and have one of the boys go tip it over. The cow falls over and they all laugh. They find another cow and another kid goes over, tips it, and they laugh.

One of the boys sees a fence a little ways awa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 cows in a field...

first one says "Mooooooo"

second ones says "You fucker - I was gonna say that"

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into an estate...

...call that animal house

What do you call an explosive cow in the winter?

An a-bomb-in-a-bull snowman!

What do cows do for fun?

Go to the moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooovies!

(Cringe on purpose)

Do you know what happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado?

It was an udder disaster.

A pegasus is a magic horse what is a magic cow?

A Fae-bull

Why does Isabelle hang on the neck of a cow?

Because she Isabelle

What does a cow use to do a big math?

A Cowculator.

A bull walked up to a cow and boasted that even without an udder he could produce more milk than her.

"How dairy! ? ", thought the cow.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Dead Cow and Vet School . . .

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to h...

Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

Two cows are standing in a field.

The first cow says to the second, “have you heard about this mad cow disease? It makes cows go crazy and then they die”.



The second cow replies, “good thing I‘m a helicopter.”

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? –

Laughing stock.

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

"It's pasture bedtime."

I used to be a work on a ranch that kept cows and bulls,

but the pay was udderly terribull.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much milk do these cows give?

Probably copy and paste from somewhere. Posted it on FB years ago. Always makes me laugh.

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interview...

"There are Five Cows on a farm"...

One mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde heard cows milk was good for your skin

She went to a farmer and asked for milk.

Farmer: Would you like it Pasteurized?

Blonde: No, up to my tits is fine.

What do two cows say in a meat shop?

I really enjoyed hanging with you.

As a kid, I was scared of cows

I was moortified.
That was a little cheesy.
Well I milked this one out as long as I cud.

Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"

Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows

I said, “Sure, that’s 20 cows.”

What did the cow say when she related to something?

Nothing, she just mood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fun animal fact: You can take a cow up the stairs but not down

Think of the poor bastard who found it out the hard way

There once were two cow farmers that absolutely hated each other.

I guess you could say they had major beef.

What is a cows dance steps called?

Moooooves

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

Two cows are in the middle of a field.

Cow 1: Have you heard about this new disease?

Cow 1: It's being called Mad Cow Disease, It could seriously affect us.

Cow 2: It won't affect me!

Cow 1: Why not?

Cow 2: Because I'm a helicopter!

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

Revoked funding and an angry letter from the Ethics Committee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of protesters have been using catapults to launch cow dung at recently erected wind turbines

They've missed every shot so far, but I have a feeling that if they manage to topple one it will be big news, and we'll all remember this day, saying,

"Where were you when the shit hit the fan?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a cow and a woman?

The cow can stand up to its tits in water and not get its cunt wet.

A farmer thought he had 198 cows in his pasture

but there were 200 when he rounded them up

I hear deformed cows aren't the best for yielding beef...

...but they are okay udderwise.

What do you get when a cow gets caught in an earthquake.

Milkshake.

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