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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

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What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin off!

"There are Five Cows on a farm"...

One mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a ...

So a couple of farmers are standing around talking. One goes you know, "I had a bull who just wouldn't breed anything, so I took him to the vet and she gave me some pills to give to him. Well he bred all of my cows and jumped the fence and bred all of the neighbors cows!"

The other farmer looked at him and asked what kind of pills they were and the first one responds, "I don't know, but they kinda taste like mint."

Two cows are talking in the barn

Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?"

Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

Revoked funding and an angry letter from the Ethics Committee.

A farmer thought he had 198 cows in his pasture

but there were 200 when he rounded them up

What does the coronavirus do to jump to cows?

It moo-tates.

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

What did the cow say to the farmer?


I've learned a bunch of secrets about cows.

I heard them through the bo-vine.

How do farmers count their cows?

With a cowculator

A cow, a pig, and a chicken walk into a bar-b-q...

The end.

I have a question about cow tipping.

Is 15% enough?

A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property in the morning.

When he rounded them up, he had 50.

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What do you call a cow that masturbates?

Beef Stroganoff.


A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

My wife will complain about things until the cows come home.

At the moment she is complaining about how I lost all our cows.

Why did the cow cross the road?

To mooooove it.

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Our teacher had us bring cow manure for science.

Was the first time I gave a shit about assignments.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

My wife.

As I ate my hamburger I was told it’s mean to kill cows.

What am I supposed to do, eat them alive?

What do cows make?


Courtesy of my 8 year old son.

Why is it so risky for cows to smoke weed?

It’s a high steaks situation.

A cow with no legs is ground beef. A cow with 3 legs is lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your mom.

Why do cows wear bells?

Cause their horns don’t work.

Two cows were grazing in the meadow.

One cow said to the other "are you worried about mad cow disease"

The other cow says "why would I be worried about mad cow disease, I'm an airplane"

I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike

As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow.

I tried.

What do you call a cow that came from Krypton?

Super Moooon.

What do you call a cow who wears a burqha?

A Moo-slim

Did you hear about the cow that got stuck up in the tree?

The steaks were high.

I saw a really bulky cow yesterday...

I think it was on Steeroids.

[NSFW]What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow

You can't milk a cow for 19 years

A cowboy asked me if I can help him round up 18 cows...

I said, "Of course I can. That's 20 cows."

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Dad: Look, there's a flock of cows!

Kid: 'Herd'.

Dad: What?

Kid: 'Herd' of cows.

Dad: Of course I've heard of cows. There's a whole fuckin' flock of 'em right there!

What do you call it when a cow pleasures himself?

Some say MOOsterbation, but I’ve always been partial to Beef Strokinoff.

A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.

The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle.

They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years...

How did a cow do so well on his math test?

He did all the proper cowculations

First time posting, my gf wasn’t very impressed but hope you guys can find humour in this!!

Omg thank you for the silver I’ve never gotten one before. I’m totally bragging now lol

Which tastes better, sheep's milk or cow's milk?

My stepmother's.

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How do they decide which cows to use for beef jerky

They pick the bull.ies. (Joke my 11 year old son made up)

How does a cow kill itself?

With a moose

What do you get from a cow with parkinsons

Milk shakes

2 thieves are trying to smuggle a cow from the local farmer

They are both clearly struggling as the cow is tossing and turning while making many loud noises.

**Thief 1**: Why the hell is this cow struggling so much? I've been doing this for 20 years and this has never happened!

**Thief 2** : Will this damn cow shut up? I didn't sign up for thi...

When a cow becomes fat enough...

...its life is at steak!


A cow keeps coming to our old farm, I don't think she knows we mooved

What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?

It goes in one end and out the udder.

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a shark?

I don't know. But I would definitely not like milking it.

Same old cow

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......s...

What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?

>!An udder failure!<

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Whats a group of baby cows called?


What do you call a cow that's just given birth ?


Where do Russian cows go to gather moss?


What did the cow say to his wife when she blocked the tv?

Moooove over

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The cow died.

So the father gave the oldest son a bag of gold and sent him to the city to buy a new cow.

Off went the lad but on the road he met a beautiful fairy. She told him that if he manages to make her cum she will give him his weight in gold. But if he failed she will take all of his gold. The fella...

What do cows and horses light when celebrating Hanukkah?

A 'manure'-ah

What did the grateful cow tell when fed with grass?


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What did the cow say to the farmers wife when it was feeding time?

*Moo bitch, get out the hay*

Did you hear the one about the cow astronaut?

It's big news - she landed on the mooooon.

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A man goes hiking and he sees a farmer with two cows..

One is black and the other is white. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him "What do you feed the cows?" The farmer asks "The black one or the white one?". "The black one" says the man. "I feed it grass." "What about the white one then?" "I feed it grass too." The man nods "And where do the usu...

What’s a cows favorite place to go on vacation?


What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking

What's Devin Nunes favorite kind of cow?


Did you hear about the French cow that's plays rummy?

He's Le Gin Dairy.

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

A friend of mine said that he saw a large muscular cow with horns standing in a field.

I said it sounds like bull.

Your chances of getting killed by a cow are low, but never zero...

All it takes is one moostake

[NSFW] Right now only female cows can give milk...

but milk from male cows is coming!

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

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Cow Jokes

What do u call a cow with 4 legs? A cow

What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Tri-tip

What do u call a cow with 2 legs? Lean Meat

What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Steak

What do u call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

Why couldn't the cow be a waiter?

He was tipped too frequently

Where does the hairy farmer hide his cows ?

In his moo stash.

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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

Two cows are at the slaughter house, and one cow said to the other cow

Don’t be concerned but I think our lives are at steak

Hey Reddit, have you heard the one about the earthen cow?

Nevermind .. it's just another terra-bull joke.

What kind of magic do cows believe in?


Two cows are in a green grass field when one says to the other-

"You know even though pi is usually written upto only two digits after the decimal point it is actually infinite."

The other cow replies,”moo.”

Cows were blocking the road on my way home.

I told them to Moooooooove

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

Where does a cow fart come from?

The dairy air

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The white cow is ready for breeding

The white cow is ready for breeding and little Jimmy's dad explains that the white cow needs a visit from the bull and that the brown cow is too young so they will need to keep it separated until it gets older.

Two hours later Jimmy runs to his dad and says "the bull just fucked the brown c...

Little Johnny called mother in law a fat cow

Little Johnny called mother in law a fat cow during the dinner and got slapped upside the head by his father right away. But not hard. As was agreed

A thief stole a third of my cow.


What do fat cows give us?


Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns don't work!

(Credit to this old man that just told it to me.)

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Someone once told me that male cows can't poop...

I thought about it for a second before I realized; that's just bullshit

Did you hear about the farmer who left his gate open, causing his fattest cow to escape?

It was a huge missed steak

Why can’t an animal be both a cow and a bull?

They are mootually exclusive. (Sorry)

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A mama cow had three baby calves.

Her first calf, named Sunlight, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Sunlight?"

Her mom replied, "When you were born, a ray of sunlight landed on your head."

Her second calf, named Butterfly, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Butterfly?"

Her mo...

why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

it was the pot calling the cattle back

Two cows in a field. One turns to the other and says 'Bob, I've always wondered are you friesian?'

Bob thinks about it for a minute and replies 'No, I'm quite warm actually'

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction!

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A cow walks into a bar...

The bartender says "get the fuck out of here Karen!"

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The black cow and the white cow

A curious guy sees a farmer tending to two cows in his field.

Guy: Hey, what do you feed those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Grass.

Guy: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The white one...

I heard that my cow just got pregnant!

But it turns out that it was just a load of bull!

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

What did the cow say to a man standing on its way?


There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens, how many didn't?


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