UPJOKE
milkbeefcattleudderlivestockmanurebisonvealyakoxleatherungulateheiferbovinebullfighting

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bicycle and she gave me the middle finger.

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

What do you call a cow with...

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak
What do you call a cow with no legs lying in a hole? Fil
What do you call a cow with no legs lying next to a hole? Dug
What do you call a cow wit...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry her

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call a cow in a tornado?

\-A **milkshake**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bunch of cows masterbating?

Beef Stroganoff

Why dont cows run backwards?

They prefer to woc

What did the cow say to the bull?

I'm not in the mooood.

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

What type of milk do you get from a dwarf cow?

Condensed milk.

What's the difference between a cow and a crucifixion?

You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.

Did you guys hear about the cows that were out in the field, smoking weed, playing poker, and drinking whiskey?

The steaks were high

A group of cows

A group of cows are enjoying drinks and chewing the cud at a local bar.

A horse walks through the door and looks around, seeming a little out of place.

One of the cows, who had already had a few too many, calls out, “Hey fella, why the lo-“

But the bartender cuts him off.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

I heard that NASA is going to send cows into space soon.

The steaks have never been higher.

A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Where do virtual cows store milk?

The random access mammary

Why do gamblers feed their cows edibles?

Because they like it when the steaks are high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.

What’s a cow’s favorite drink ?

Smooooooothie

Everyone knows the Russians sent a dog to space, but lesser known is the mission where they sent a cow.

The mission went terribly and everyone involved, including the cow was sworn to secrecy. He was a cows-moo-not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow walks up to a man

"Hey man" the cow says "What the fuck?!" says the man "A talking cow?!' The cow laughs and says "bet you've never seen a talking cow before have you!" The man is shocked and says "well what else can you do?" the cow says "lots of things, here I will show you" the cow walks over to a phone box, pulls...

How do you count cows?

With a cow-culator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dead Cow and the Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly conti...

Why don't they bury dead cows?

It would be a big missed steak

Mad cows…

…are just in a bad mooed.

A Farmer and the Interviewer

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 liters per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 liters per day.



Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
...

What happened to the first cow to travel through time?

They either went to the future or the pasture.

What's a cow's favorite astral object?

The mooooooooooooooooon

What do you call a group of Jewish cows?

Filet Minyan

Sometimes cows are moved by plane and while they have the technology, the cows are never airdropped in.

Because the steaks are too high.

What makes cows so good?

They are outstanding in their field.

Men say 'why buy the whole cow just for some milk?" Women say...

"why buy the whole pig just for a little sausage?"

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

I was driving home from work down the highway, when I spotted a cow with 12 udders..

Sounds funny, doesn’t tit?

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

Milk cows have hooves at the end of their legs. Not feet, like you and me.

They lactose.

- What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck ?

Milk and quackers

What do you call a cow that just gave birth

De-caffeinated

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

Studies show that cows produce more milk...

when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of "in one ear, and out the udder".

What does milking a cow smell like?

Dairy Air

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a tie and a cow’s tail?

The tail covers the entire asshole

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

What do you call a cow that can't feel pain?

A c

What do evil cows say?

Moo ha ha.

From my 7 y/o: What do you call a cow that can't moo yet?

n0000000b!

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lactose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

What do you call a cow into BDSM?

What do you call a cow into BDSM? Whipped cream

What school do fancy cows go to?

\>!Wag-U!<

What does a cow see with a telescope?

Mooooooooon.

Farmer Giles asks his youngest son to take the cow over to the bull on the other side of the village. After a short time the vicar spots the boy struggling with the cow making his way past the church ....

'Are you alright?' Asks the vicar

'Yes vicar' says the boy, I'm taking the cow to the bull

'Oh dear' says the vicar, concerned to see a small child in charge of such a beast 'Couldn't your father or I help instead?'

'Not really' says the boy 'It has to be the bull'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

The cow Elsa

A wealthy farmer is away from home for a business meeting shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night. The calling number is that of his country estate!

Caller: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died."

Farme...

where do you find a cow with no legs

right where u left it

How do you get 500 old cows in to a barn?

Put up a Bingo sign.

Ole buys a new cow

Sven asks Ole "how's dat new cow?" Great he replies except when I pull her teat she farts. Did you get her from North Dakota? I did, how did you know? "My wife's from there!"

I don't think that milk comes from cows

My friends say I'm just in udder disbelief

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

A farmer had to leave the farm for the day and a guy was coming to inseminate a cow.

The farmer goes to his less than brilliant son and tells him the man is coming to inseminate a cow. The boy looks at him bewildered and says "I'll never remember which one Pa, there are too many." So the farmer drives a nail in the wall behind the cow's stanchion.

A couple hours later the m...

Why were the aliens watching the cows?

They were on a steak-out.

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

There were two cows in a field.

One said "moo", the other one said "I was going to say that!"

Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf!

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.



"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.



"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communica...

What happened when the cows escaped from the paddock?

Udder Chaos!

Collecting Name Jokes

I know there are a whole bunch of these but I only remember a few, please post any you think of!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your pool? Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs...

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?

The cow’s got the udder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

---

---

But if you fuck it youre going to jail

How did a cow know the date?

He read a moospaper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

Milk that cow..

(Its just a Joke) Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time...

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

Why did the cow travel to the moon?

To checkout the Milky Way.

Is that cow from Minsk?

A small village in Russia had a cow that was able to produce enough milk for the village. She produced like a machine, until one day she started producing less and less. Realizing that her production was going to cease, the villagers asked their Rabbi for advice.

"You should go to the place ...

What do you call a cow that you sit on but it’s super painful?

A couch.

Where do you find a cow that doesn't have any legs

Right where you left it. It isn't going anywhere.



(You thought this was going to be a "ground beef" joke, didn't you?)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed

Suddenly, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man,

"Oh No! That must be my husband!"

The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy...

A cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows,

I replied 'Of course, that'll be 20 cows'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

and we saw dogs mating. She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?" I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram knew when the ewe is ready for sex?"

I replied: "It's nature. He can smell she is ready."

We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating with the cow.

My ...

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?

I have no idea, but I wouldn’t try milking it.

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a cow?

An animal in a...
baaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooood.

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