UPJOKE
milkbeefcattleudderlivestockmanurebisonvealyakoxleatherungulateheiferbovinebullfighting

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

What do you get if you cross a cow with an octopus?

An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...



The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. The...

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back

What’s the difference between Jesus’ crucifixion and a cow?

You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97

So he rounded them up.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

What do you call a group of deaf cows

Not herd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two impor...

I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2...

Reddit is secretly run by cows, and I can prove it!

[remooved]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

The cow boys watch....

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dead Cow

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three
sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of
the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow waslying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibl...

What do the cows do when they're bored ?

Go to the moovies

What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy?

You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

I've never tried cow tipping before.

How much do you usually pay them?

Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?

The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I’m a helicopter!

Why did the cows stop smoking weed

Because it got to the point where the steaks were too high !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My favorite joke I was told as a child.

What do you call a cow that gets an abortion?

Decaffeinated

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they.... lactose.....

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.

Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.

"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

What do you call a cow that gives no milk?

An udder failure.

What does an evil cow say after it does something evil?

“Moo hahaha…Moo hahaha”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cows in a field

One says, "mooooooo"

The other says, "I was going to say that"

....to which the first responds, "fuck me, a talking cow!"

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

If a cow laughs,

Does milk come out of her nose?

What do you call a cow in high heels and tiara?

Dairy Queen

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"

Because it's a cow word.

----

I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?

How did the cow feel after giving birth?

Decaffeinated.

Cow Jokes

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chic...

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows

How does a farmer count cows?

On a cowculater :D:D
(ya its crap)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interview with a cow

Some guy just came along and pulled on my tits!

How dairy!

A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

What happened to the cow that refused to become steaks?

She was grounded.

Why do cows have cowbells?

Because their horns don’t work!

What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

How do cows forgive each other?

They turn the udder cheek.

What's a cow's favourite Beatles song?

Hay Chewed

A cow walks into a bar...

The bartender says "sorry you can't come in, we don't want any beef here"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farmer in his barn yard with a bull and a cow...

The farmer wants the bull to get his cow pregnant with a calf. The bull however is not interested in that at all and just wants to eat grass all day. The farmer gets the bright idea to try to get the bull feeling frisky himself. He takes his hand and shoves it into the cow's vagina. He then pulls it...

What do you call a cow that gets sent to the slaughterhouse by accident?

Miss Steak

What did the cow say to the other cow that was standing in its way?

Mooooooooooooooove.

Why is 'reverse cow girl' not allowed in Alabama?

Because you shouldn't turn your back on family

Why don’t cows wear high heels?

Because they lactose.

I was nervous the first time I gave a cow, weed

The steaks were high

If The Lion King was a cow movie instead, what would their leader be called?

Moofasa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The black cow and the white cow.

A man goes hiking and he sees a farmer with two cows, one is black and the other is white. The man walks up to the farmer and asks him "What do you feed the cows?" The farmer asks "The black one or the white one?".
"The black one" says the man.
"I feed it grass."
"What about the white one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

A cow, a goat, and a pig were trying to cross a river one late afternoon

Unfortunately, the river is home to a big mean alligator with a voracious appetite.

"We have no choice but to cross the river anyways, or we will starve on this side." says the cow and she crosses the river. Miraculously, she was unharmed. The gator only looks at her with indifference and let...

The temple of the giant sea cow has recently been rebuilt

Faith in huge manatee restored

what do you call a cow that's recently given birth?

Decaffinated

When I was a kid, I loved milk so much that I said I was going to marry a cow

Took me a good few years to realise why my father used to tell me, “You probably will...”

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

Today SpaceX announced plans to launch several Guernsey cows into low earth orbit

They shall be known as "The Herd Shot Round The World."

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow walks up to a man

"Hey man" the cow says "What the fuck?!" says the man "A talking cow?!' The cow laughs and says "bet you've never seen a talking cow before have you!" The man is shocked and says "well what else can you do?" the cow says "lots of things, here I will show you" the cow walks over to a phone box, pulls...

What did the farting cow say to the farmer who fed him?

Gassy Ass

How does the lipless cow do it?

Ooooooooooooooooooooo!

TIL cow tipping is an urban myth.

Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

What did the anxious cow say to themself to keep moving forward.

It's just one step in front of the udder.

What does a cow say when its cheering for its friends?

I’ll give you some encowregment.


Just an average joke by my sister.

Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<

Have you heard about the most famous cow in history?

It was Legen-Dairy

Cow for sale

An old farmer in serious financial trouble put an ad selling a cow for $500.

Another farmer went to see it and they agreed to deliver the cow the next day, paying in advance.

However, the next day the buyer came and old farmer said:

I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The cow d...

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

Milk that cow..

(Its just a Joke) Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.