This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?


What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

What’s one of the worst crimes a cow can commit?


Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

-Edit: Thank you kind stranger. My first gold!

What’s the difference between vegans and cows?

We eat cows.

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter: What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics department and the immediate revocation of your grant funding!

Imagine a cow with twelve teets...

Sound silly, dozentit?

I just lost 33.3% of my Cow


I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

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What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

Why don't cows wear shoes?

Because they lactose

(Lack toes)

Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other, “What do you think about this mad cow disease?”
“What do I care?” says the other. “I’m a helicopter.”

What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?

A milk dud or an udder failure?

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A farmer is tired of milking his cows,

So one day, when he sees an advertisement for an automatic cow milker, he immediately orders it.

Two weeks later, when his wife is out buying groceries, the package arrives. The farmer, feeling very horny, opens it up, immediately sticks his dick into it, and turns it on.

The orgasm he...

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

What do you get when you pamper a cow

Spoiled milk

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Yo mama!!!

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?


Why does the cow wear a bell?

Because the horn isn't working.

How do you get dragon milk?

Find a cow with no back legs

My 4 year old cane up with this one. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lack toes.

What's a coward?

Mooooooooooo! Get it? A "cow-word"! Damn, I suck.

What type of car does a cowboy drive?

A Haudi

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

You marry her.

My cows ate all my weed plants

The steaks have never been higher.

When Mad cow disease was going around, noone knew what to do.

It was utter madness.

What did the coach say to the cows?

Now get out there and give me 2%

What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground beef

Q. What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

A. Lean beef.

Q. What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A. Your mom.

You know cows..

They're out standing in their field.

A farmer bought a breeding cow from the market.

It was a purebred and the farmer was very happy with the purchase. But when he took the cow to the bull for mating, the cow would just sit on its rump and not let the bull mount her.

The farmer was understandably upset, so he took the cow to the vet. After listening about the problem, the vet...

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what did the sexy brown chicken say to the sexy brown cow?


What do cows do when they're ill?

Listen to Moo-sick.

What do you get when you feed a cow marijuana?

High steaks.

Why do regular & meditating Cows hate each other?

Regular cows go "MOOOOO" and Meditating Cows go "OOOOOM"

Who’s gonna win the cow weed smoking competition?

I’m not sure.... but the steaks are high

A man buys a cow at a market in Minsk

It's a nice, big cow that gives lots of milk. After a while, the man decides that he wants to breed the cow, so he brings the cow to his bull. As soon as the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow steps out of the way! Every time the bull tries, the cow moves just slightly, and the bull fails.


Why did the cow go to the spa?

She really needed a good rej-hoove-ination!

White cow, black cow

A man was hiking through the mountains with his family when they met a cowman with two cows. They approach him

"Good morning my friend. My children have never seen a cow in their life, may we get near?"

"Yeah, to the white cow" he answers.

"What about the black one?" Asks the f...

What do you call a cow that's drank too much coffee?


Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows....

My first job was working in a slaughterhouse stunning cows...

Not bad looking sheep either...

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I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

Why are cows scared of cars?

They're afraid they might end up on the grill.

What does the farmer say to the cows at night?

It's pasture bedtime.

What happens when you put a cow in an elevator?

You're raising the stake.

Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Why did the cow jump up and down

To make a milkshake

Did you hear about the farmer who couldn’t milk cows...

He was an udder failure.

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

A farmer got injured milking a young cow

He strained his calf

I was driving down the road and this lady was riding her bike. I yelled out the window, "Cow!"

She turned around and flipped me off!
2 seconds later she ran right into that cow.

Why do cows never work in restaurants?

They hate getting tipped

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

The cow

A cow sits on a roof and knits spinach. A toast flies past and says: Fishing is prohibited here.
The cow: I do not care how much the strawberries cost, I'm here by bike anyway.

Why did the farmer lose the race with his cow through the town square?

Because you can't beat your meat in public.

What does a Spanish cow say after eating grass?


A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

The Horse, the Cow and the Pig.

There once was a barn with 3 best friends who happened to be a Horse, a Pig, and a Cow.

They are together listening to the radio through the window of the barn and the Horse hears am the guitar and he says “ hey I really love the guitar, you know what I’m gonna learn it”, so he goes off and l...

What does the Chinese cowboy say?


Pig says oink, cow says moo. What does hostile takeover pigeon say?


What do you call a cow with no legs?

It's still a cow, but if it's a flying cow, it becomes a high steaks situation.

My friend didn't know the difference between Minced Beef and Minced Cow...

I explained to him that beef mince is a tasty food, but the cow mince is where you find the best jokes.

Why is it hard for cows to stand on two feet like humans?

Because they lack-toes...

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you should never turn your back on family.

Did you hear about the cow that went to the tannery just because the other cows told him to?

At least he looked good; he was easily suede.

What do you call a cow that mows lawns?

A lawn Moo-er

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

Cow jokes, if you're in the mooOoood....

What do you call a cow with two short legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

Why did the cow get an award?

It was out standing in the field.

What do you call a cow after an abortion?

I once met a German cow...

...he was a hamburger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of titties do cows have?

Cheese Nips.

What does it smell like when a cow farts?


The black and the brown cow

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flum...

A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows.

He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bu...

How did the cow feel walking through a field of wheat?

Udderly tickled.

Why couldn’t the expectant mother cow run?

It didn’t have calves.

What do you call a person who looks after cows?

It's not shepherd, it's coward

A mathematician, a scientist, and an economist walk past a field of cows.

The mathematician says "Those cows are brown on this side."

The scientist says "Those are brown cows."

The economist wrinkles his brow, nods, and says "All cows are brown."

A cow gives birth to 4 cavles, and one day her oldest comes up and asks "Mother, why was I names 'Lotus'

The mother replies saying "Because when you were born, a lotus petal fell on your head". The next day, the mothers second oldest came up and asked why they were called Rose, and the mother replies "Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were born". Her third child asked why they were named ...

A cow was taken out of the farm...


Why didn’t the cow cross the road

The chicken said “don’t do it man you’ll never here the end of it”

What do you call it when a cow gets an abortion?


This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

My buddy in the other room said I have too many cows.

That's what I overherd.

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

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