UPJOKE
milkbeefcattleudderlivestockmanurebisonvealyakoxleatherungulateheiferdomesticationbovine

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.

Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.

"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cows in a field

One says, "mooooooo"

The other says, "I was going to say that"

....to which the first responds, "fuck me, a talking cow!"

new milk cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.



The people did some research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,

they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

...

I've never tried cow tipping before.

How much do you usually pay them?

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

What do you call the milk from a Christened cow?

Pastorised milk.

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

What’s the difference between Jesus’ crucifixion and a cow?

You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.

Three cows were playing poker while smoking weed

The steaks were high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

Did you hear about the cow...

... that gave world class, 1st prize winning milk?

Yeah, it was legen-dairy.

what kind of pasta does a cow eat?

moodles

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

What do you get when a veterinarian fails to heal your sick cow?

Uncured Meat.

Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"

Because it's a cow word.

----

I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?

What do you call a group of scared cows?

Cowherds

What does a cow say when its cheering for its friends?

I’ll give you some encowregment.


Just an average joke by my sister.

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

Have you heard about the most famous cow in history?

It was Legen-Dairy

I have a bull that wouldn't breed with the other cows.

So I called the veterinarian and he gave me some pills for the bull. About 2 hours after giving the pills to the bull, he started breeding with all the cows, he even broke the fence and bred with the neighbors cows. I don't know what was in those pills, but they kind of taste like peppermint.

My cows started grazing on the hidden marijuana patch. I might have to cull the herd.

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow without legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow masturbating?

Beef stroganoff. (technically cows can't masturbate)

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bicycle and she gave me the middle finger.

Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.

I tried.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A visit from the ethics committee and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

What did the butcher say about the cow that got away?

Sounds like a missed steak...

Mad Cow Disease

One cow asked the another, "Have you heard of this mad cow disease? The news sounds so scary".

The other cow replied, "Doesn't bother me, man. I'm a helicopter".

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

The Cow Did

There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when they’d milk it they’d take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and ...

My neighbors cow had a abortion

Now she’s decalfinated

What Did the Farmer Say When the Cow Ate his Marijuana?

The steaks are high right now

My daughter came home from school yesterday and told us this joke: What do you get from a fat cow?

Homework.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow gets stolen from a family…

The mother cries to her three sons, “Boys! Some prick has stolen our cow!”

The first son says, “If it’s a prick, it must be someone from Randville”

The second son, “If it’s someone from Randville, they must be short”

The third son, “If it’s someone short from Randville, it must ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

How do you get a hundred cows into a hall?

Put a Bingo sign front of it.

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

(My 4 year old finds this absolutely hilarious) Why was the cow wearing headphones?

So he can listen to mooosic!

Why didn’t the cow make it to the sale barn on time?

Hereford broke down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like Father Like Son.

A joke my dad wrote to me in one of his letters while he was in prison:





A farm boy gets up early one morning and finds himself very
hungry. So he hurries downstairs to get his breakfast.

When he reaches the kitchen, he finds his mom already there.
"Not so fas...

Why did the new guy put cows on a forklift?

Because his supervisor told him they are “raising the stakes”

What do you call a cow with...

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak

What do you call a cow with no legs lying in a hole? Fil

What do you call a cow with no legs lying next to a hole? Dug

What d...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow walks up to a man

"Hey man" the cow says "What the fuck?!" says the man "A talking cow?!' The cow laughs and says "bet you've never seen a talking cow before have you!" The man is shocked and says "well what else can you do?" the cow says "lots of things, here I will show you" the cow walks over to a phone box, pulls...

What type of milk do you get from a dwarf cow?

Condensed milk.

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of the bull Pete the Ballsack and the cow Mary the Untouchable

Once upon a time, there was this bull named Pete the Ballsack. Pete the Ballsack was this alpha bull and could have any cow he wanted. All except one. The one that always seemed to get away was Mary the Untouchable. To Pete the Ballsack's defence, she was kept in a barbed-wire fence encasement, so i...

What do you call a cow in a tornado?

\-A **milkshake**

OC - What's the binge show of choice for chubby pre-med cows

Graze Anatomy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old bull and a young bull are standing on top of a hill overlooking the grazing area. The young one says, "Why don't we run down there a fuck a cow?"

The old bull replies, "Why don't we walk down, and fuck them all?"

Q: What does a selfish cow say?

A: Meeeeee

How do you turn a fox into a cow?

Marry her

Did you all see the new scary about the killer cow?

It was horror-bull.

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dead Cow and the Mermaid

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly conti...

How do you count cows?

With a cow-culator

What did the cow say to the bull?

I'm not in the mooood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

A group of cows

A group of cows are enjoying drinks and chewing the cud at a local bar.

A horse walks through the door and looks around, seeming a little out of place.

One of the cows, who had already had a few too many, calls out, “Hey fella, why the lo-“

But the bartender cuts him off.
...

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

What’s a cow’s favorite drink ?

Smooooooothie

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

- What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck ?

Milk and quackers

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

Men say 'why buy the whole cow just for some milk?" Women say...

"why buy the whole pig just for a little sausage?"

What happened to the first cow to travel through time?

They either went to the future or the pasture.

Why do gamblers feed their cows edibles?

Because they like it when the steaks are high

Mad cows…

…are just in a bad mooed.

What do evil cows say?

Moo ha ha.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth

De-caffeinated

What's a cow's favorite astral object?

The mooooooooooooooooon

Everyone knows the Russians sent a dog to space, but lesser known is the mission where they sent a cow.

The mission went terribly and everyone involved, including the cow was sworn to secrecy. He was a cows-moo-not.

What makes cows so good?

They are outstanding in their field.

Why don't they bury dead cows?

It would be a big missed steak

One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to dea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Studies show that cows produce more milk...

when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of "in one ear, and out the udder".

From my 7 y/o: What do you call a cow that can't moo yet?

n0000000b!

Where do virtual cows store milk?

The random access mammary

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

What does milking a cow smell like?

Dairy Air

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

I was driving home from work down the highway, when I spotted a cow with 12 udders..

Sounds funny, doesn’t tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a tie and a cow’s tail?

The tail covers the entire asshole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Sometimes cows are moved by plane and while they have the technology, the cows are never airdropped in.

Because the steaks are too high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city slicker retires to the country...

Following a successful career on Wall St, Jim buys some land out in Nebraska to live a simpler life.

He has some of the land cleared and a huge, brand new ranch built.

Construction crews finish up, landscapers complete the final touches, and he moves the family in.

The next morn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother and son are traveling together on the Northern Pacific railroad.

The boy says, "Mommy, if big cows can have little cows and big horses can have little horses and big people can have little people, then why can't big trains have little trains?"

"That's a good question. You should ask the engineer that question."

So the boy goes all the way up to the ...

Farmer Giles asks his youngest son to take the cow over to the bull on the other side of the village. After a short time the vicar spots the boy struggling with the cow making his way past the church ....

'Are you alright?' Asks the vicar

'Yes vicar' says the boy, I'm taking the cow to the bull

'Oh dear' says the vicar, concerned to see a small child in charge of such a beast 'Couldn't your father or I help instead?'

'Not really' says the boy 'It has to be the bull'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

The cow Elsa

A wealthy farmer is away from home for a business meeting shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night. The calling number is that of his country estate!

Caller: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died."

Farme...

Milk that cow..

(Its just a Joke) Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.