A New Zealand Joke

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "...

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A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was ta...

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An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

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An Eskimo goes to New Zealand on a holiday

He hires a car to drive around but barely 100km into the journey his car breaks down ,he gets it towed to a mechanic on advice from the rental place, the mechanic pops the hood and says
“I see your problem here looks like you’ve blown a seal”, and the Eskimo replies angrily “at least I don’t fuc...

A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:

Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to...

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A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

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A Jew walks into a New Zealand bar

The bartender says, "Hey bro."

The Jew replies, "How did you know?"

A chimpanzee has opened a brothel in New Zealand

And says that he accepts all customers and don't discriminate, because his workers are all Pan.

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

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A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.






>!baaaaaaa!<

What did the New Zealand statue say to the other NZ statue?

'Stat chu bro?

I recently travelled to New Zealand. Everyone there really likes pointing out your religion...

...they kept calling me 'Hebrew'.

A New Zealand man wants to have lots of kids.

"Would you have a baby with me?" he asks his wife.

"Of course!"

"Would you have two with me?" he asks.

After a pause, she says "Yeah that sounds like a good number."

"How about four? Would you have four with me?"

She thinks harder this time. "I suppose four wouldn'...

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I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting, but he fell asleep.

I was showing an Aussie mate around the back blocks of New Zealand’s fabulous South Island.

We came across a ewe with its head caught in a fence. Not one to waste an opportunity, I got in behind and did the business (as you do). The I turned to the Aussie and said, “OK, mate, it’s your turn.”

So he got down and stuck his head in the fence!

A New Zealander is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm...

A local man spots him and asks 'Are you shearing?'

To which he says 'No, I'm gonna sleep with both of them '.

How does a New Zealander find sheep in tall grass?

Delightful

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."

Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."

The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr....

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with a ewe..

Where do New Zealanders bury lobsided people?

Asymmetry

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

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[Little bit racist] why do New Zealanders...

Have insomnia? Because every time they start counting sheep they get too horny to sleep.

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Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

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How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand?

They've already got cum stains before you open the package.

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An Australian had visited New Zealand

An Australian had visited New Zealand and he was telling his mates about it. He told them about how he visited the Hokitika Wild Food Festival, where they celebrate game food, like venison and wild boar, and unusual foods like roasted crickets and snails.

Mate 1: "So, what was the weirdest th...

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand when...

he happened to glance over a fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The shocked Aussie climbed the fence and walked over to the fellow. "You know, mate," he pointedly remarked, "back home we shear those."

The New Zealander looked at the intruder defiantly and said, "I'm not bloody s...

A South African, New Zealander, Barbadian and an Irish Man walk into a bar

and win the Cricket World Cup for England

Why do New Zealanders always do well at rowing?

Because it combines the two things they are best at,
sitting down,
and going backward....

What did the New Zealander say to the Jew?

Hebrew.

A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia.

He got two stars.

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A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the sex on the poor sheep.

Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes “your turn bro”, to which nat...

Why Lord of The Rings was shot in New Zealand?

Because there are no Two Towers in U.S.A.

Why do New Zealand horses run so fast?

They saw what they did to the sheep.

What did the Rabbi from New Zealand say?

Hey Bro

(Read in your best Kiwi accent)

Why do New Zealand farmers now wear kilts?

Because the sheep have gotten used to the sound of zippers

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What did the New Zealand naval officer say to his crew?

All hands on dick....

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A New Zealander and an Australian are walking through a paddock

and they come across a sheep stuck with it's head stuck in a fence. The Aussie turns to the Kiwi.

"Do you think we should help him?"

The Kiwi, not one to turn down easy prey, pulls his pants down in one smooth motion and takes the sheep from behind amidst a plethora of protesting bleet...

There are three kinds of people in New Zealand..

The racists, the big spiders, and the big racist spiders..

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NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand

An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.

He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hour...

What do you call a bachelor from New Zealand? Two Thirds

Because of the recurring SIX

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A New Zealander sheep shearer gets a job in Australia.

At the lunch break of his first day in the shearing shed, he drops his dacks, pulls his cock out, grabs a sheep and starts fucking it. The Australians look at him, roll their eyes, shake their heads and mutter, "Bloody Kiwis."

Then one old bloke approaches him and says, "Mate, you're suppo...

How do men in New Zealand address their women?

"Hey! Ewe!"

I am from New Zealand AMA

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?"

"Ya mean women?" asked the local fella. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks use ...

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand?

A community centre

What's a New Zealander's favorite car?

The Kia Ora.

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The sun is beating down and the.....

It's a slow day in a rural New Zealand Town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit:

On this particular day a rich tourist is driving through town, stops at the local motel and lays a $100 bill on the desk say...

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds

"Look Michael, look what I've made", said God. Archangel Michael looked pu...

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep...

Meat and wool.

(Exchange for Welshmen if need be)

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An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia.

...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.

The sheik steps forward and announces: "Because it...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

Kiwis

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".

Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We ...

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

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What do you call a guy in Australia with a small dick

A New Zealand tourist

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

The New Zealand Military

An Australian is taking a walk in New Zealand...

when he looks into the field beside the path and sees a Kiwi farmer having his way with a sheep. He is a little shocked, so he walks over and tells the farmer "You know mate, in Australia we shear sheep."
The Kiwi farmer looks up at him and exclaims "Not here in New Zeelund bro, I ain't shearing...

A New Zealander and his son

The mother of a New Zealand family passed away, leaving behind her husband and son. They were poor farmers and in order to give his son a better life, the father sent the son away to university.

It's been a year, and the son didn't contact his father even once. Two years, and still not a word...

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An Englishman, an Irishman,...

a Scotsman,a welshman, a Frenchman, a German, an Italian, a Swede, two Finns, a Norwegian, a Dane, a Greenlander, an Austrian, a Hungarian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Latvian, an Estonian, a Russian, a Turk, an Egyptian, a Palestinian, an Israeli, a Greek, a Macedonian, a Chinese guy, a Japanese guy,a ...

An Australian ventriloquist visits NZ

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid...

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Classic NZ joke.

An Australian gets off the plane after touching down in New Zealand, first thing he sees is a Kiwi absolutely ramming a sheep up the arse.

Disgusted, the Australian tries to offer some advice, "Mate, where I'm from, we shear our sheep."

The kiwi bleats back, "Shear my sheep?! I ain't s...

Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

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Sheep Shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

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Curing Prostate Cancer

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey!" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he h...

Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for North Korean aggression...

He'd have invaded New Zealand by now...

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A man is shipwrecked on an island

A man is sailing off the coast of Australia when a storm hits. He ends up shipwrecked on a little island.

There are just pastures and a few farms, so he goes up to one of the farms and asks if he can stay. A couple of grizzled old shepherds are there, and they give him lodging.

The ne...

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The Fence

Two New Zealand guys were walking through a paddock one day when they come to a fence.

Stuck in the fence is a sheep. Only its head is stuck and its body on the men's side of the fence.

Without think about it one of the men, John pulls down his trousers and fucks the sheep. When he's f...

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "Wha...

To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous.

You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

The Egg

I'm utterly opposed to any form of egg cracking on anyone's head and I totally condemn the act of the underage violent vigilante who cracked an egg on senators head. However with that being said what it highlights is the endless distribution and importing of eggs all around the world. Rising fear of...

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Sheep Shagging

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he asks an English farmer. "So, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very inte...

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Artificial Insemination

A New Zealand man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this mea...

Why do Gypsy's walk funny?

Because of their Crystal Balls

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A group of Australian students where discussing if Trump became president who would he nuke and what would be his motives.

One of the students brightly said "Well, he has no motive to nuke us, we fought in Nam with them and we would be considered allies."

Another student says,
"He has motive to nuke New Zealand though."

The other students are intrigued as to why.

He says,
"Well he hates goat ...

A joke for the Irish.

A man gets a job in a pub in a tiny village in the nack of nowhere in Ireland. On his first night there an old farmer comes in and asks for 3 pints of Guinness. The barman pulls the pints and watches him drink them slowly, one after the other. When he finishes he asks for another 3 pints. This goes ...

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