UPJOKE
south islandaustraliawellingtonnorth islandaucklandcountrykiwipacific oceanbarbadossamoavanuatubelizepalaunaurumauritius

A New Zealand Joke

A Maori Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital , so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside

'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doc; "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was ta...

A New Zealand man wants to have lots of kids.

"Would you have a baby with me?" he asks his wife.

"Of course!"

"Would you have two with me?" he asks.

After a pause, she says "Yeah that sounds like a good number."

"How about four? Would you have four with me?"

She thinks harder this time. "I suppose four wouldn'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a friend of mine from New Zealand how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting, but he fell asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a walk in New Zealand…

Along the way he comes across a Kiwi farmer. He stops and greets the farmer with a hearty ‘hello’ and the farmer returns his greeting.

The man looks down at the farmers dog and asks the farmer if he can have a chat to the dog.
Perplexed, the farmer responds: ‘ Sure, but the dog doesn’t ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Fijian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when a New Zealand tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him...

The Fijian politely ignored the New Zealander, who, never the less started up a conversation.

The New Zealander snapped his gum and said, "You Fijian folks eat the whole bread?"

The Fijian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian goes to new Zealand

An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

What is the difference between New Zealand and the United States?

In New Zealand the sheep have four legs

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

An Aussie walks up to a New Zealander

and asks: is that your dog?

Kiwi: "Yep."

Aussie: "Mind if I speak to him?"

Kiwi: "Dog don’t talk bro."

Aussie: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Aussie: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great...

What do you call a bumble-bee from New Zealand?

Pollen-esian

How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?

Rather enjoyable

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

Why are New Zealand horses so fast?

Because they've seen what they do to the sheep.

A friend from New Zealand

I had a friend from New Zealand, he grew up on a farm surrounded by cattle and livestock, since i grew up on a farm too, he and I bonded over shared experiences all the time. but one day, my friend approaches me after getting back from the paddock "Ey mate I think you need to shear ya sheep bro" he ...

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

Nothing ever happens in New Zealand…

It hippens.

How do you tell the difference between an Australian and a New Zealander?

One's got a smooth pair down under and the other has some hairy kiwis.

New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No wonder New Zealand's population is so small

They manage to pull out last minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Welshman is visiting New Zealand and finds a sheep farm

He sees some sheep in the field and hops the fence. As he walks up to one of the sheep, he sees the farmer walking up.

While slapping the butt of one of the sheep, he asks the farmer what the locals think of a little romance with the animals?

The farmer looks at him disgusted and says:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had no idea how serious stealing sheep in new zealand was.

Until i got charged for sex trafficing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do New Zealanders and cult leaders have in common?

They fuck a bunch of sheep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Eskimo goes to New Zealand on a holiday

He hires a car to drive around but barely 100km into the journey his car breaks down ,he gets it towed to a mechanic on advice from the rental place, the mechanic pops the hood and says
“I see your problem here looks like you’ve blown a seal”, and the Eskimo replies angrily “at least I don’t fuc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Little bit racist] why do New Zealanders...

Have insomnia? Because every time they start counting sheep they get too horny to sleep.

What do you call a New Zealander with 500 girlfriends?

A shepherd......... Or a pimp.

You decide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man from New Zealand walks into a restaurant and sits down

Lucky bastard.

A joke about the New Zealand accent.

An Australian tourist visits New Zealand. He decides to go a small town to take in the lush, rural landscape.

He sees a New Zealand farmer walking down the street, carrying a sheep under his arm. Curious the Australian asks, "Are you going to shear that sheep?"

The Kiwi farmer responds...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew walks into a New Zealand bar

The bartender says, "Hey bro."

The Jew replies, "How did you know?"

A new Zealand joke

Why do New Zealand race horses run faster than other race horses?

They saw what happened to the sheep

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."

Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."

The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn't Jesus born in New Zealand?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The World's Best Ethnic Joke.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, am Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Columbian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a L...

What is a New Zealander’s favorite book?

50 Shades of Graze

I was seated next to my ex and her family on my flight to New Zealand

Auckland!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The myth about everyone in New Zealand fucking sheep is false!

Some of us aren't at the age of consent.

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

A New Zealander is walking down the road with a sheep under each arm...

A local man spots him and asks 'Are you shearing?'

To which he says 'No, I'm gonna sleep with both of them '.

What's a New Zealander's favorite car?

The Kia Ora.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if the wool in your socks came from New Zealand?

They've already got cum stains before you open the package.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Classic NZ joke.

An Australian gets off the plane after touching down in New Zealand, first thing he sees is a Kiwi absolutely ramming a sheep up the arse.

Disgusted, the Australian tries to offer some advice, "Mate, where I'm from, we shear our sheep."

The kiwi bleats back, "Shear my sheep?! I ain't s...

What is the difference between New Zealand and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse has more Covid 19 cases than New Zealand.

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with ewe..

A Texan cattle rancher was in New Zealand

and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of the South Island. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Kiwi a question. The conversation went thus:

Texan - “So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to...

Why do New Zealanders always do well at rowing?

Because it combines the two things they are best at,
sitting down,
and going backward....

What did the Rabbi from New Zealand say?

Hey Bro

(Read in your best Kiwi accent)

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

Why do they wear skirts in New Zealand?

Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand?

A community centre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand

An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.

He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hour...

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

The leaders of New Zealand, Taiwan and Vietnam walk into the White House..

Just kidding

Why Lord of The Rings was shot in New Zealand?

Because there are no Two Towers in U.S.A.

What did the New Zealander say to the Jew?

Hebrew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Zealander sheep shearer gets a job in Australia.

At the lunch break of his first day in the shearing shed, he drops his dacks, pulls his cock out, grabs a sheep and starts fucking it. The Australians look at him, roll their eyes, shake their heads and mutter, "Bloody Kiwis."

Then one old bloke approaches him and says, "Mate, you're suppo...

I was showing an Aussie mate around the back blocks of New Zealand’s fabulous South Island.

We came across a ewe with its head caught in a fence. Not one to waste an opportunity, I got in behind and did the business (as you do). The I turned to the Aussie and said, “OK, mate, it’s your turn.”

So he got down and stuck his head in the fence!

A South African, New Zealander, Barbadian and an Irish Man walk into a bar

and win the Cricket World Cup for England

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the New Zealand naval officer say to his crew?

All hands on dick....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Zealander and an Australian are walking through a paddock

and they come across a sheep stuck with it's head stuck in a fence. The Aussie turns to the Kiwi.

"Do you think we should help him?"

The Kiwi, not one to turn down easy prey, pulls his pants down in one smooth motion and takes the sheep from behind amidst a plethora of protesting bleet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian on holiday in New Zealand sees a farmer crouched over the rear of a sheep.

"Are you shearing that sheep?" He asks.

"Fuck of cunt I'm not sharing it with anyone, especially an Aussie" the Kiwi replies.

Suspicious loss

An outpouring of love at the loss of the Queen of England. But, over a dozen countries including Canada, Australia and New Zealand lost their heads of state yesterday and nobody even bats an eye. This is extremely suspicious.

An Australian ventriloquist visits NZ

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid...

What’s a male Jewish New Zealanders pronouns?

He/Brew

A chimpanzee has opened a brothel in New Zealand

And says that he accepts all customers and don't discriminate, because his workers are all Pan.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand when...

he happened to glance over a fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The shocked Aussie climbed the fence and walked over to the fellow. "You know, mate," he pointedly remarked, "back home we shear those."

The New Zealander looked at the intruder defiantly and said, "I'm not bloody s...

What do you call a bachelor from New Zealand? Two Thirds

Because of the recurring SIX

A bad uber driver drove from New Zealand to Australia.

He got two stars.

How do men in New Zealand address their women?

"Hey! Ewe!"

Sheeps

3 sheep farmers, an Australian and a New Zealander and a Welshman are in a bar having a drink and chatting.

The Welshman asks the other two in what position they have relations with their sheep if needs become desperate.

The Kiwi says "Well, I'll grab a sheep by the back legs like a wh...

Kiwis, Trevor and Jeanette, are walking down a street in Bondi in Sydney.

Trevor happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said "Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair".


Trevor says to his pal, "Jeanette, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could mak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia.

...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.

The sheik steps forward and announces: "Because it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy in Australia with a small dick

A New Zealand tourist

An Australian is taking a walk in New Zealand...

when he looks into the field beside the path and sees a Kiwi farmer having his way with a sheep. He is a little shocked, so he walks over and tells the farmer "You know mate, in Australia we shear sheep."
The Kiwi farmer looks up at him and exclaims "Not here in New Zeelund bro, I ain't shearing...

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "Wha...

After Israel threatened to take the Security Council vote as an act of war, the New Zealand Ambassador called Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu....

...Picking up the phone, he spoke "Hebrew."

Say what you will about George W Bush, but he wouldn't have stood for North Korean aggression...

He'd have invaded New Zealand by now...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man from New Zealand was showing his friend from Australia the countryside

After a couple of hours of driving they come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence, the Kiwi man being the sheepshagger he is gets to work and quickly finishes.
The Aussie overcomes his shock and laughs to the Kiwi

“Hah, mind if I have a go mate?”

“Yeah man go hard” resp...

To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous.

You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

Donald Trump...

-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.