Herd Jokes - 58 Hilarious Herd Jokes

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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.

The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second cowboy not t...

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What does you call a herd of masturbating cows?

Beef Strokingoff.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Two cows on a hill. One cow ask the other, have you herd of the mad cow disease?

The other cow says, yeah, but why do I care? I’m a helicopter!

A rancher is trying to sell his herd of bovines...

He is showing a prospective buyer the herd. The buyer notices that the males appear to be having issues with their sense of balance and comments on this to the rancher. Before the rancher can reply, one of the male bovines responds, "It's OK. We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

I just finished the book my friend gifted me on herd mentality.

But I haven't read the reviews yet so I don't know if I like it.

a herd of cows broke into a Colorado weed farm

Police and animal control are on scene and the steaks are high

What did Donald Trump say when he saw a herd of plastic antelope?

FAKE GNU'S!

What do you call a stampeding herd of Llama?

THE ALPACALYPSE

Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd?

What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

My cows started grazing on the hidden marijuana patch. I might have to cull the herd.

The steaks have never been higher.

A group of cows? A herd.

A group of crows? A murder.
A group of guys called Richard? A bag.

A herd of sheep walks into a bar.

One of the sheep says "A round of beers, please."

The bartender says "Okay, so that's one, two, three, four.... five..... six.......

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz........."

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We might eventually get herd immunity

But what about hoard immunity?

“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

“You herd me.”

My father was killed by a herd of pigs.

The coroner labeled his death a sooie-cide

I was helping a farmer herd his sheep.

He asked me "How many sheep do I have in the field?"

I said "45 sheep"

The farmer says "Great! Round em up!"

"You have 50 sheep."

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.

Two men are organizing a herd of deer.
Seeing as the had 26 deer, they decided to label each one with a letter of the alphabet. As they’re herding them into an enclosure, they realize they only had 25.

“One of them’s missing,” said the first man.

“Oh dear.”

What happened to Batman and Robin when a herd of elephants trampled over them ?

They became Flatman and Ribbon...

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I herd that a bunch of cows were fed laxatives by mistake.

Turns out it was a big load of bullshit.

What do sheep call the oldest patriarch of the herd?

The pasture prime.

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?

A Melon Collie

My dad grew up herding sheep in Germany

He was a German shepherd.

Did you hear about the farmer that called his herd of pigs and ended up being trampled?

Was the first report of sooey-cide in the whole state.

Confucius say to quiet the herd

One must shut the flock up

Herds of wild horses roam the banks of narrow Norwegian inlets.

The majestic Fjord Mustangs.

A sheep dog herds his sheep...

The farmer asks the dog, *"Are my sheep ready?"*

The dog answers, *"Yep, all 30 of them!"*

*"Wait...I only counted 26,"* replies the farmer.

The dog tells the farmer, *"Yeah, that's because I rounded them up!"*

A flock of seagulls, a herd of sheep, a murder of crows...

An Insurrection of Republicans

A herd of cattle got into a cannabis farm and began to graze...

When asked how serious the situation was, the owner responded, "the steaks have never been higher!"

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A missionary deep in the heart of Africa is tending his herd of sheeps when suddenly

the very angry village chief approaches with his little albino daughter in his hand and yells with fury: "Priest! Look at daughter! You are the only white man within a 1000 miles, I know you have had sex with one of my wives!"
The missionary, a bit anxious, says with calm: "No no no, I can assur...

Twelve of Jesus's closest followers have been accused of slaughtering a herd of cattle.

Police are treating it as apostle bull murder.

An elderly herd of hearing woman goes to the doctor for her annual check up.

As the doctor is listening to her lungs , he says - Big Breaths.

The lady giggles and says - oh young man , you should have seen them when I was young.

cow herd holding a meeting to trap poachers.....

cow head: moo moo moo moo moo moo moo.

cow herd: moo moo moo

all nodded in unison: a pen.

A herd of elk charged an unsuspecting group of tourists

They don't take cash

They tried to warn us, it's finally happening, minorities herding white people into camps.

Here in Oregon we call them "music festivals"

A German Shepherd and a Sheep are out on a date...

German Shepherd: "What do you mean I'm too controlling?!"

Sheep: "You herd me."

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Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm.

Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.

SH1:Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!

SH2: What about the sheep?!?

SH1: Fuck the sheep!!!!

SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied

Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji

A blonde girl...

...wants to know what life is like as a brunette girl, so she goes to the hairdresser and has her hair died brown.

Eager to show the world her newly acquired intelligence, she goes on a walk and meets a shepherd. She walks towards him and says:

"if i can guess how many sheep you have...

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A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of obnoxious jerks. The wife says "Relatives of yours?"

The husband says "Yep, in-laws."

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

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I came home from shopping today...

to find my wife and her two fat mates eating doritos on the couch, I mumbled under my breath "fat fucking cows" she said "what did you just say?!" I replied "you herd"

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...

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With Age Comes Wisdom

Two bulls, a father and son, are standing on top of a hill, looking down at the herd or cattle below. The younger bull turns to his father and says "Hey Pops, we should run down this hill and fuck some of those cows!"

The older bull shakes his head. "No, son," he says, "we should *walk* dow...

Did you hear about the farmer?

Apparently he was tending to his sheep, but something must’ve spooked them as they started stampeding.
Poor farmer died of a herd attack.

What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo?

The attorney charges more.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

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A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart.

So she dyes her hair brunette and goes out for a challenge.
She finds a shepherd with a big herd,
and asks him if she can guess the number of sheep in the first try and if she guesses right she could keep one of the sheep.
The shepherd agrees. After a good look at the herd she thinks and te...

What would you rather be stamped on by a herd of elephants or an angry woman in high heels...

At least the elephants you could reason with

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."

Noah being ...

"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Herd."

"What was that?"

"Herd of cows..."

"Well of course I've heard of cows."

There's a whole flock of them right over there!"

I have this good Shepherd joke I want to tell you all.

Stop me if you've herded before.

The Bull

"I recently spent thousands buying a young bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and
wouldn't even look at a cows. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very hea...

One of the only jokes I know

What a cute bunch of cows!

It's not a bunch, it's a herd

Heard of what?

Herd of cows

Well, duh, of course I've heard of cows!

No, a cow herd

What do I care what a cow heard?

Sorry if it's lame

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