UPJOKE
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Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

How do you get a hundred cows into a hall?

Put a Bingo sign front of it.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

A pair of cows were talking in the field.

One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

Why did the new guy put cows on a forklift?

Because his supervisor told him they are “raising the stakes”

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

2 Cows in a feild.. one says "what do you think of that mad cow disease?"

The other replies "I dunno, it doesn't effect me, I'm a duck"

OC - What's the binge show of choice for chubby pre-med cows

Graze Anatomy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bunch of cows masterbating?

Beef Stroganoff

What do you call it when some dead cows smoke weed and play poker?

High steaks

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

Why dont cows run backwards?

They prefer to woc

A group of cows

A group of cows are enjoying drinks and chewing the cud at a local bar.

A horse walks through the door and looks around, seeming a little out of place.

One of the cows, who had already had a few too many, calls out, “Hey fella, why the lo-“

But the bartender cuts him off.
...

Did you guys hear about the cows that were out in the field, smoking weed, playing poker, and drinking whiskey?

The steaks were high

How do you count cows?

With a cow-culator

I heard that NASA is going to send cows into space soon.

The steaks have never been higher.

Where do virtual cows store milk?

The random access mammary

Why do gamblers feed their cows edibles?

Because they like it when the steaks are high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

What do you call a group of Jewish cows?

Filet Minyan

Mad cows…

…are just in a bad mooed.

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Two cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see....

Why don't they bury dead cows?

It would be a big missed steak

What makes cows so good?

They are outstanding in their field.

Sometimes cows are moved by plane and while they have the technology, the cows are never airdropped in.

Because the steaks are too high.

What do evil cows say?

Moo ha ha.

Studies show that cows produce more milk...

when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of "in one ear, and out the udder".

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

I don't think that milk comes from cows

My friends say I'm just in udder disbelief

What school do fancy cows go to?

\>!Wag-U!<

A rancher went out to round up his 297 cows

He ended up with 300.

Everyone knows the Russians sent a dog to space, but lesser known is the mission where they sent a cow.

The mission went terribly and everyone involved, including the cow was sworn to secrecy. He was a cows-moo-not.

How do cows meditate?

oooooooooM

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

There were two cows in a field.

One said "moo", the other one said "I was going to say that!"

What do you call a very serious farm with milk cows?

A drama-dairy.

Why were the aliens watching the cows?

They were on a steak-out.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

ze mad cow disease

On a land full of grass, two cows were walking together.

Cow 1: Have you heard of the mad cow disease going around?

Cow 2: Yes, I'm so happy I'm a penguin.

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

What happened when the cows escaped from the paddock?

Udder Chaos!

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Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

---

---

But if you fuck it youre going to jail

A cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows,

I replied 'Of course, that'll be 20 cows'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer's son is on his way back from the market one day.

As he passes by farmer Jon's house, he sees the barn burning to the ground. Excited to share the news with his father and impress him, he rushes home to tell him. "Pa, pa! You'll never guess what I saw today passing farmer Jon's house!" The father replies " His barn burned down. Heard it on my radio...

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

A farmer went out to the field and found one his cows had gone cross-eyed

The cow could hardly walk and kept bumping into things. Fearing it might hurt itself, he called his vet to come have a look at the cow. The vet took one look at the cow and told the farmer "I've seen this before. You stand up there in front and watch her eyes." The vet took out a section of hose, pu...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Two cows are standing in a field.

One of them says, "There's been rumors going around about a 'Mad Cow Disease.' Do you think it's real?"

The other cow says, "I don't care! I'm a helicopter!"

Did you know: the cows with the sweetest, most delectable milk have a unique defensive mechanism?

Horns!

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I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg

Thats a ton of bullshit !

Why do farmers put bells on their cows?

Because their horns don’t work.

(From my 6yo who loves her new joke book.)

Where do cows go to get a chest massage?

Huddersfield

farmer: how many cows got out?

**me:** seventeen

**farmer:** round 'em up

**me:** ok twenty

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