UPJOKE
cerealmaizegrainricebreadflourryewheat berrydurumcornfruitbarleyspeltsorghumwheat flour

I took a picture of a wheat field today...

It came out pretty grainy.

Where do grains of wheat sleep?

In a breadroom

What do you call a hockey player in a wheat field when it’s raining?

Grayne Wetzky

A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear...

Ahh Migraines!

I recently found out that wheat in Alabama

is actually in-bread

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

Why do I always get a headache when I eat the wheat I grew?

Because it's my grain

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

### A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.

A blonde is in a wheat field attempting to row a small boat.


Another two blondes drive past and see her struggling.


The driver says “look at that idiot! She gives smart blondes like us a bad name!” ...

What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc]

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat

My-grain

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

Stalin goes to a local wheat farm to see how things are going.

"Mr. Stalin, we have so many wheat bags, that, if piled on top of each other, could reach god himself!" The farmer told Stalin gleefully.

"But god doesn't exist", Stalin Replied.

"Exactly", said the farmer. "neither does the wheat."

A Turkish farmer, Hodja, goes to the mill to get his wheat ground to flour. While he's waiting in line he starts dipping his hand into the sack of the man in front of him and moving handfulls of wheat to his own sack.

The man turns and catches him: "Hodja! What are you doing stealing my wheat!"

Hodja, embarrassed, starts rolling his eyes and jittering: "Huh? What? I don't even know what I'm doing because I'm just craaaaaazy!"

The man says "if you're so crazy, how come you're only putting my grain in...

The person who discovered wheat intolerance has died.

The family has requested, NO FLOURS.

Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.

They send a few truckloads of wheat with the note: "That's how many we're coming!"

A few days later the trucks return full of flour with the note: "And that's how we're sending you back"

A Texan visits Australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.”

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his he...

Why do Hillbillies like wheat

Because it's inbred.

[OC] What did the farmer say after getting a headache from people stealing his wheat

Migraines!

What's a pigs favorite type of bread?

*Wheat wheat wheat wheat wheat . . .*

Two cows walk into a barn and start arguing about who gets the wheat

Now they got beef

As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches

My doctor said it's my grains

What do you call 18 year old wheat?

Barley legal.

A man was arrested while running in a wheat field.

.

.

He was charged for going against the grain.

How did the cow feel walking through a field of wheat?

Udderly tickled.

Isn’t it the Germans who love playing wheat games?

I hear them talk about Gluten Tag all the time!

What did one German wheat farmer say to the other German wheat farmer?

Gluten tag

When I eat wheat it gives me a headache. Oddly, it doesn’t if the wheat belongs to someone else.

It’s just migraine

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Have you seen the movie about the astronaut who has to grow fields of wheat using only his piss?

It's called "Urine For A World Of Grain".

Did you hear about the guy who got a headache after stealing wheat from my farm?

He got my grain

You can't just decide to be a wheat farmer...

...you have to be bread for it.

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The beer sommelier

A guy walks into a bar and brags to the barman, that he can recognize any beer by its taste. The make a bet and the barman starts to put forwards glasses.

— Oh, that’s easy. Budweiser.

— That’s wheat Paulaner.

— Hmmm, that’s trickier. That’s an IPA by Minhas Craft

The bar...

Why did the farmer start growing wheat?

Because he was tired of Hall and Oats.

(Joke from brother while watching Stranger Things and hearing 80s music hits.)

A gang made up of domesticated wheat, barley and hops plants are reported to have been looting and rioting all over the country

Police say they are farmed and dangerous.

I bought some Shredded wheat, but I think it's a bit of a con.

It's no more muscular than regular wheat.

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A long, long time ago, a boy asks his father how we acquire our names.

The father replies "Well some people are named after what they do. John Butcher is a butcher, Michael Baker is a baker. Now, me, I do many things around town for many people. I help the wood workers, but they don't call me Bill Carpenter, do they? No. I help on the wheat fields, but they don't call ...

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

Why did the wheat become misshapen?

It was inbread

A sea of wheat

A blonde was driving down a road when she saw another blonde in a boat trying to row through a sea of wheat. She gets out of her car and yells "Hey! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! And if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

I should start a store that sells wheat and beans.

It would be called "Gluten And Tootin"

How are Joeffrey Baratheon and wheat related?

They're both in-bread.

gluten free whole wheat spaghetti

its inpastabowl

What do you call a stupid grain?

A half wheat!

Blond in Wheat

Two blondes drive through the middle of Kansas, surrounded entirely by wheat fields.

One blonde riding shotgun says, "Look over there!" They see another blonde in scuba gear who is acting like she's swimming through the wheat.

The blonde driving says, "It's girls like that who give us ...

Why didn't Bono sell any wheat bread at his bakery?

Cuz it's all rye, it's all rye, it's all rye.

The Illiterate Farmer

A group of learned professors chose to spend a relaxing vacation at a remote farm - far from the maddening crowd of the city they lived in.

Their host was a simple farmer who had never seen the inside of a school.

The professors were astonished to see the order and discipline by which ...

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

Un deux trois quatre cinq six sept ACHOO!

Sorry, I have a wheat allergy.

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

Why is wheat a hillbilly grain? X/post from r/funny

Because its inbread

After the Little Rascals Buckwheat converted to Islam...

He is now known as Kareem of Wheat

Buckwheat grew up to be a Muslim

He changed his name to Kareem Wheat

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

What brand of cereal is the strongest??

Mini Wheats, because they’re shredded.

What do you call a bread delivery service

Uber wheats

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

A long, long time ago, I used to be a farmer.

I used to grow wheat and the quality of my product was second to none. I was famous all over the world for my unmatched wheat harvest.

Everything was going fine, until this one day.

In the middle of a pitch black night, my most bitter rival stole all of my wheat. None of it left on the...

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

There was once an incorrigible punster.

No matter the situation her'd have a groaner ready. One day, served a simple dinner of buns and water, he quipped: "The bun is the lowest form of wheat."

His friends were so tired that they decided to come up with a situation that he could not turn into a pun. They took him to visit an orpha...

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A group of horses walks into a juice bar...

"What'll it be for ya?"

The first horse replies "wheat grass"

The barista says "that's not on the menu"

The second says "wheat grass, it's on the board"

The barista: of course you eat grass, you're horses. But I'm telling you we don't serve grass."

Sensing some ...

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The Russian President:

At a KHL game: Vladimir Rutin

At a gun range: Vladimir Shutin

Imitating an owl: Vladimir Hutin

With a wheat harvest: Vladimir Gultin

Looking Amphibious: Vladimir Newtin

Rioting and stealing shit: Vladimir Lutin

Bungling a ground ball: Vladimir Butin
...

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Father and his 5 year old Son are walking on their farm together...

The dad steps in dog poo and yells "SHIT!"


The son asks, "Daddy, what does shit mean?"


The father answers, panicking as he doesn't want to set a bad example, "Its another word for doormat"


The son is convinced and the dad breathes a sigh of relief.


Later...

Chicken! Run!

A man has been suffering from a rare delusion: he considered himself to be a grain of wheat, and was therefore mortally afraid of the chickens.

He has eventually been hospitalized and treated for about a year. At his annual check-up, the attending asked this guy if he was still considering hi...

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What do vegans call jerking off?

Beating their wheat.

The hard of hearing stoner...

got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

What is Jonathan joestars favorite sandwich?

Hamon whole wheat.

A Blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another Blonde...

... in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the girl for a while.

When she could not stand it any more she called out to the Blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in th...

A child who loved tractors (sorry if it’s a repost, haven’t seen it yet)

There was a young boy born to a family of farmers, his name was Ryan.

From a very early age he was amazed by all the machinery on his farm, but especially the tractors, his father owned four, each unique to their tasks. The large red one for the tonnes of wheat, the slightly smaller green one...

The Jumpers

The Jumpers

Three guys, an Italian guy, an American guy, and a Polish guy were working construction together on a high rise. Everyday at lunch, they would sit and eat together on an I-Beam, high above the city. Italian guy opens his lunch and says, "Man, I'm tired of getting the same meatball...

Apple pie and coffee

A Russian man has been taught a phrase by his friend so that he can order food at the local restaurant.

Each day on his lunch break he goes to the same place and orders “ah pull pi and cough yeh”

One day he asks his friend to please teach him something else because he is so tired of ...

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Story of McQuinn

An old Scottish man is sitting in a pub and drinking whiskey. He takes a sip and says: "Look, what a magnificent windmill. I built it all by myself, carried all the rocks together by myself. Till this day it grinds wheat for the village, but nobody calls me the Windmill builder McQuinn."
He proc...

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While driving a blonde woman was listening to the radio...

The hosts were telling blonde jokes, so while frustrated because of how blondes are perceived she sees another blonde in a boat rowing in the middle of a wheat field.

She gets off of her car red with anger and starts yelling at the other woman:
-You dumb bitch, women like you are the reaso...

A Texan goes to Australia for vacation...

... while there, he takes a tour with a local guide. While driving around the guide points out a large wheat field. "In Texas, we have wheat fields twice as large!" They then drive past a herd of cattle. "Our long horns are at least twice that large in Texas!" the Texan drawls. The guide is becoming...

A woman is shopping at a grocery store.

She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're...

What type of cereal goes to the gym twice a day?

Shredded wheat.

I wish I could pin this joke on a 4-year-old, I'm so sorry

A successful American farmer makes a trip to Poland and visits a Polish farm...

The American asks, "How much of what I can see is your land?" The Pole replies, "Oh from the edge of that wheat field over there, to that river over there. And what about your farmland?"

"Oh let me tell you," the American begins to boast, "My farmland is so big, I could get in my car in the m...

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A farmer selling his peaches

A farmer knocks on the door and an attractive woman answers the door in skimpy lingerie.
"Hello Ma'am, would you like to buy some peaches?"

As she leans on the door frame she asks; "are they as soft as these?" while she touches her breasts. "Or are they as round as this?" as she touches h...

The Dalai Lama walks into a Subway...

Greetings, Sandwich Artist!

*Hello, sir. How can I help you today? *

I'd like a Chicken, Bacon Ranch sandwich. Footlong on Honey Wheat.

*Would you like that toasted? *

Yes, please.

*(Worker places sandwich in oven, pulling it out as it finishes the toasting) So ho...

Stalin visits a farm

One day, Joseph Stalin visits an agricultural collective. And so....

Stalin: Comrade, how much wheat do you have?

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, we have enough wheat to reach God!

Stalin: Comrade, as a Marxist, you know that there is no God!

Farmer: Comrade Stalin, as a Marxist...

During a drought, a farmer remembers hearing about a native tribe who's rain dance is said to work every time...

so the next day he gets in his pickup and heads out to visit the tribes chief.

When he gets there he asks if the tribe would be able to preform a rain dance for him.

"Yes, we can call the spirits of water with our dance, but first I must gather the tribe, and my son is two states away ...

Did you know that 90% of all dog in South Korea are inbred?

Most commonly it's whole wheat or rye

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

What's more inbred than English monarchs?

Wheat.

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Little boy walks by a farmer

Little boy goes walking by a farmer carrying some chicken wire.
"whatcha doin with that chickenwire?"
Says the farmer.
"gonna catch me some chickens!"
Says the little boy.
"you can't catch chickens with chickenwire."
Says the farmer.
The little boy just walks on.
At...

An old blonde joke I was told years ago.

A blond driving down a rural road sees a wheat field and notices something strange, another blonde that appears to be swimming.

She pulls over, stands at the field and yells, "Excuse me what are you doing?". The other one replies, "I heard about the these amber waves of grain in a song and w...

Two Scotsmen are sitting on a hill.

They are drinking some beer and reminiscing about their youth.

"Macalister, look at our town, I've built a third of those building, so many would be homeless without my work, but do they call me Shamus the builder?"

"No Shamus they don't." Replied his friend.

So they sit on the...

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