A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of illegal weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he’s found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. “Well, possibly something biological and I don’t see any missiles but.. I C BMs.”

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Why did Adolf Hitler wear contacts?

Because he could Nazi.

Having worn contacts for the past few years, it’s become really easy to put them in.

So easy that I bet I could do it with my eyes closed.

A policeman was interviewing 3 guys who want to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh....

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

To the person who stole my glasses I will find you

I have contacts

Guy gets a job as a spy...

He's sent on his first mission, and told that the secret passphrase he has to give to contacts is, "The night-bird flies at dawn."

He's instructed to go to London, head to Piccadilly Circus, and speak to a guy in a purple fedora, busking. So he flies to London, goes to Piccadilly Circus, fin...

I always thought people wore contacts because it doesn't change your appearance...

... but when I look in the mirror and put on my contacts I always get uglier.

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Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

You have something ? I want the other.

A father regularly sends his son to the fruit/vegetable market. Every time the child goes to the market he asks the owner:

"Do you have tomatoes ?", the owner replies "yes". The child then asks him for a kilo of cucumber.

"Do you have apple ?", the owner replies "yes". The child then ...

Police stops a man and says, "You're supposed to be wearing glasses"

Man: I have contacts.

Policeman: I don't give a damn who you know.

Eye doctor: Have you been sleeping with your contacts?

She: No no, not all of them!

You know that feeling when an old flame contacts you out of the blue to tell you that you're a father?

Because it's rapidly becoming apparent to me.

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A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone

Now it's Hans-Free

My daughter refused to wear her contacts

I told her, "No daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"

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A man with no ears

A man with no ears is trying to find a news reporter for his news show.

The first guy walks in and the boss says, "'This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?" And the guy says, "'Well, shit! You got no ears, man!" So the boss yells, ·Get the f\*\...

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A man suddenly dies and is cremated...

The mortician not knowing what to do with the ashes contacts the man's last 3 lovers. All 3 were also men.

Upon arrival, the mortician take the 3 men into his office and asked, "please tell me what you would do with this man's ashes if I hand them over to you?"

The first man's says, "...

Shout out to WorstJokesEver.com

After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter… … from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it:

370HSSV 0773H

All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the me...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

I got a new phone, and lost all my contacts.

Thank god.

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

When he gets ill, and old man contacts a daughter he hasn't seen in years and convinces her to bring her family to meet him before he dies.

The woman and her son spend the better part of the day with him in the hospital, while her husband spends the day cleaning the old man's house and taking care of various logistical concerns.

When he arrives, he notices that while his wife is quite happy, their son looks miserable, so he pulls...

When I got eye contacts it really improved my social life

Now I can recognize people's faces

Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard

You just gotta eyeball it

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