UPJOKE
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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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NSFW (Actual interaction between my wife and I) Wife: "Doesn't ejaculating alot increase your testosterone and lower your voice?"

Me: "Babe, if ejaculating lowered your voice, I'd have been Barry White by the time we met."

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A interaction between me and my GF

GF: What are those lights lights called? not the LGBTQ lights but....

Me: You... mean RGB lights?

Gf: Yes!! yes, those ones.

Both: \*laughter\*

GF: Don't call them that hahahah

Me: Nonono they're LGBTQ lights from now on.

Me: Oh yeah my computer has LGBTQ li...

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

What do you call someone who likes making friends and is always down for some social interaction?

A Socialist.

My insanely clean Canadian Bee Joke.

My bee joke I crafted myself:
*My Canadian Bee Joke*


My Aussie friend Deidre is an Apiarists. She works with bees. Actually she likes to be called Dee.

She was in Canada recently doing research at a university and she said she noticed that when she describes her interactions w...

There is no “free will.” Everything that happens, including human interaction, is deterministic...

I’m sorry, I just had to say that.

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What do you call a sexual interaction between two trans individuals?

A transaction.

This is the only good original joke I've made in my entire life, and that's not a joke!
Haven't seen this posted elsewhere before.

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90 percent of adults admitted to having some form of sexual interaction in the office.

I licked an envelope once.

What do you call a person who studies about the mechanics and interactions of poo?

A fecesist.

A blonde joke

A blonde woman goes to Walmart to buy a TV. She finds one that she can afford and a salesman comes over and she tells him that she's looking for a TV. He says, "Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes."
She gets mad and leaves. The next day she dyes her hair brunette and the same interaction happen...

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man

A Philosopher, a Physicist and a Common Man stand around a piece of fruit.

When asked what the fruit is, the philosopher says “We can never know what this piece of fruit truly is. We assume, through wisdom, that the form of the fruit is closest to our perceptions of the fruit”.

T...

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Just a prick...

An elephant is walking through the jungle and steps on a large thorn. He cries out! There is no way for him to pul it out... and every step, is a nightmare. After several failed attempts, he begins to cry in frustration.

A large ant is walking through the vicinity, and sees the pitiful eleph...

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3 men in a desert...

3 men had been crawling through the dry hot desert for 14 days and nights.
They were buggered, had enough.
One of them spotted a tree in the distance. Upon getting closer there was a house.
They jumped up and ran over.
It was the first civilisation they had seen for weeks.
And wh...

[Serious] Have any animals besides humans been shown to exhibit humor in their social interactions?

Looking for anyone with specific knowledge of this. Any zoolologists out there?

Microsoft should try making an optimistic and articulate robot that adjusts its responses based on interactions with the public.

They could call it Marco Rubio.

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

I like to keep a gun in my nightstand drawer just in case someone breaks in

That way I can shoot myself to avoid social interaction

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

Back when I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store as a stockboy.

One of the "long time fixtures" there was a homeless guy who would sit outside and ask for change. He was there every day, from opening of the store until closing, without fail.

Several months after I started, the owner decided to go in a new direction with the store and wanted to increase wo...

My girlfriend says I'm cheesy when I say I love her to much

So I asked her if I'm her snack that smiles back.

This is a real interaction and im very proud I came up with it on the spot.

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Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing h...

A postman and his wife are expecting their first child.

The big day comes, and it's a healthy baby girl. The new parents are overjoyed, but it's a lot of work. Dad helps out in every way he can; changing diapers, keeping the house clean, prepping and cooking meals (always being sure to make something ahead for if Mom gets hungry when he's not home), etc....

Work jokes

I work with a girl from India. This is a common interaction we have.

Her: Oh my god
Me: your god or mine?
Her: your god
Me: bloody hell jesus!

To which makes her laugh n makes the hospitality work go a bit better

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A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

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Johnny's class is getting ready for lunch

Johnny usually brings his lunch, but today he doesn't seem to have it and looks concerned. The teacher asks, "Johnny, is everything ok?"

Johnny replies, "well, my dad forgot to pack my damn lunch."

The teacher is taken aback, and says, "Johnny! What would your dad say if he heard you ...

Psychiatrists observe two patients at a mental institution...

Jack and Jill, the two patients, form an extremely strong bond. The relationship is helping both Jack and Jill cope with difficult social interactions. Jack and Jill make such progress, the doctors decide to observe them in various situations around the mental institution to see if they are ready ...

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A NYC Ad Exec has had enough...

So he buys five acres in Oklahoma to get away from it all and starts the ranch and farming life. He's been living there alone with no other human contact for seven months. One day, this mountain of a dude comes ambling up. He says, "I'm your next door neighbor, five miles down the road. There's goi...

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A hermit, a clown, and a witty comeback...

FULL DISCLOSURE: This is a shaggy dog story...

An old hermit has been living alone in the wilderness for many, many years. He decides that it is finally time to rejoin society. He sees in the local paper that the circus is coming to a nearby town and decides that a circus would be a wonderful...

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An English Man, An Irish Man, and a Scots Man all go to the beach...

As they walk along the sand they see a Mermaid laid up on the rocks, the waves crashing around her. They are all struck by her beauty but are initially scared to approach. The English Man finally does and strikes up a conversation. As they talk he realises she is totally inexperienced with human int...

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So I started therapy today...

Apparently I exaggerate my interactions with the opposite sex and the problem stems from narcissistic thoughts that all women want me.

Or at least that’s what my new girlfriend thinks.

A frog is arrested for murder...

Mr. Frog was arrested and sentenced to 30 years for murder. For 30 years he was stuck in a small cell. His interaction with the outside world was the guards and all these flies that would swarm through his cell window.

Every day the guards would check on Mr. Frog and bring him fresh water. Th...

Had the strangest experience at the dentist.

A few days ago, I was due to go to the dentist to get a filling. The doc and his team of assistants check it out and then asked the other tech to come over and get me some novacaine while they go to another patient. The other tech was way over on the other side of the room just kinda hanging out an...

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First Week (NSFW)

It was John's first day on the ship and he was visibly excited. He had dreamed for years of being accepted into the Navy and now his dreams were coming true. His Commanding Officer welcomed him aboard and began to show him around the ship.

John learned where he would be eating, sleeping, and ...

Two scientists are studying a nest of newly-hatched crows..

The new parents are doing what they can, and the three chicks are noisy and demanding.

One day, the scientists notice that one of the chicks isn't making noise anymore. They see he's making the motions, but no sound is coming from his beak.

The scientists decide to do something to try ...

A man in Moscow decides to take his own life.

He is tired of the constant ambivalence that permeates his daily interactions. He can no longer stand the contemptuous scorn of the plasticized women, the bullying bravado of dishonest men sneering from behind the tinted windows of their Mercedes-Benz.

Exhausted of hope, he walks the narrow ...

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A man was sick and tired of the city life, so he moved to the country side...

Years go by and nobody bothers him. Finally, one day, he heard a knock on his door.

Neighbor: "How are you doing, neighbor? I'm hosting a party and your presence there would be much appreciated!"

Man: "Cool! It's been years since I had human interaction. I'll come!"

Neighbor: "F...

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A Picket to Tittsburgh

I was at the local bus station to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. While I was in line to purchase my ticket, I noticed the woman working behind the counter was stunning and had enormous breasts. I have always clammed up whenever I speak to women, let alone a gorgeous woman with a great rack, so I silent...

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One day an atheist goes hunting in the woods

It's a very uneventful morning when he finally comes across the perfect shot. He loads his weapon, undoes the safety, and lines up his sight. To his surprise, all of a sudden a bear appears in his scope point blank. The bear pulls its claw back ready to slice the atheist open when he cries out, "oh ...

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A man moves out to the countryside.

A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.

While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.

The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.

These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until o...

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A man that was recently fired from his job and divorced decided to move to the mountains.....

He decided to live a secluded and solitary life in the most remote regions of the Appalachian Mountainous he could find. His first year was tougher than he expected especially during the winter months, but he faired well all things considered.

On a warm day during the following spring, he was...

As an introvert I’ve always wanted to star in a sitcom

Most of your social interaction occurs with the people you live with and lasts about 21 minutes a day.

For all of those Philosophy Majors out there

Philosophy Joke:

If an argument concludes a tree fall without human interaction in a forest for a stump to be made, and there are no lumberjack's in the forest to hear it, does it make it sound?

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A man who has been in the police force for 30 years

A man who has been in the police force for 30 years decides to retire. He is tired of seeing the worst of society and moves out into the wilderness, 20 miles away from the closest other human life. The only interaction with the world he has is the boy who brings him his paper and groceries twice a m...

Stopped for a beer on my way home from work...

Stopped for a beer on the way home and overheard this interaction

Female bartender: It's funny that you call it a squirt bottle instead of a spray bottle

Male bartender: Well all bottles can squirt... They just have to be comfortable with themselves...

Why are certain bears so attracted to each other?

Because they are polar bears (hence forming permanant dipole interactions)

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