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Touching Jokes

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Tender touching

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

"That feels so nice" he said. Then turned and asked her, "You seem to love doing that, but why?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine...

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

What do you do when a playground bully stands one inch away and say "I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you.."?

Hope that he pulls the army back to the Kremlin soon.

How to put 2 elephants in a jar without them touching each other?

You just put a third elephant between them.

When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread...

it's called gluten tag.


I'll show myself out.

Touching it softly

Touch it softly, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's real wet and rub up and down.

Yup, that's how you wash a cup.

A touching tale of a man and an elephant...

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply ...

What is the fastest way to become sober?

Touching your pockets and not feeling your phone.

What is it called when You read something that you don't quite understand but you know for sure that it's very touching?

Braille.

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

I can complete a Rubik's Cube without touching it

Perk of being colour blind

Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it.

This is because windows no longer supports Flash.

A blind person is touching sandpaper and ask...

who wrote this nonsense?

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...

Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

Why do you never hear about women touching kids?

Because there's no female priests

CDC now says that covid-19 isn't easily spread through surface touching

100 bucks says it's just so casinos can open

"A touching story"

One day a girl was walking from school... On the way home she saw a cat by the road lying dead.

The girl went and touched the cat to see if it would respond but there was no response.. She touched it again still no response... She then touched it again and again and again.

As i said it...

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How to hurt someone without touching them

Just say papercut on the dickhead...

This girl in my museum studies class said she likes touching old things.

I want to make this a good semester for her.

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

touching story

Once there was a happily married couple with a baby on the way. One morning the wife's water broke and they rushed off to the hospital. While there the doctors told them there was a new machine that was developed which telepathically transfers a certain percentage of pain to the father if they agre...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

THE TOUCHING STORY OF A CAT AND A BOY

One day a little boy left school. On his way home he saw a cat lying by the street as though it was dead. To satisfy his curiosity, the boy came close & touched the cat to see if it was dead or hurt.

He touched the first time and there was no response.

He then touched the cat ag...

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A touching story my father told me when I was a lad,

So I was walking down the street one afternoon and a particularly dirty, broken down, beat up, sorry looking, shabby homeless man asked me for money,

I says, "why if I gave you money, surely you'll just spend it on booze!" I says!

He says, " no sir! I quit drinking years ago!"

....

A touching Hollywood movie

The Harvey Weinstein Story

What's the name of that painting in the louvre that you get arrested for touching?

I can't quite put my finger on it.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

What do you call a cow touching its utters?

Beef stroganoff

Touching story

Very touching story ..

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Hameed" ..one day his mother went to check out how he is doing at ...

A touching tribute to Hugh Hefner

RIP Hugh Hefner - the man who taught a complete generation how to read a book with one hand!

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I bet you one dollar I can touch your tit without touching your clothes

fuck it, it's just one dollar

A plane malfunctioned and went for a nosedive mid-flight, but it just bounced after touching the ground.

Boeing.

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A touching love story...

A touching love story...

WIFE:
What would you do if i die?
Will you marry again?

Husband:
No...how can I think of marrying?

Wife-
Why not?
You would need company...for good and bad moments....please get married

Husband:
...oh baby..you are so s...

When on the phone and a woman says she is touching herself while talking to you, thats quite arousing.....

....but when a bloke says it he gets called a weirdo, and they stop you from using telephone banking :(

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A married couple and a single man are stranded on a deserted island after their cruise ship sinks. [Long] [NSFW]

After serveral weeks with no rescue, the married woman and the single guy grew fonder of each other. They wanted to hook up, but the husband was always close by on the small island. Their desire only grew, and they knew that they had to figure out a way to have sex.

One day the single guy cli...

A touching moment with Santa...

Little Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store.

Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas."

And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys."

Sa...

As a young boy I dreamt of touching the stars.

Then I met Kevin Spacey. :-(

A touching story of a boy and his cat

one day,a boy named Kevin found a cat in the streets. He touched the cat. Touched it again.

and again.

and again and again and again and again...

told you it was a touching story

You guys should try touching a live wire.

What happens next will shock you.

My girlfriend left me today because I have developed a pasta touching fetish.

I've been feeling Canneloni ever since. :'(

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A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

The man with no arms and legs had truly a touching moment at the hospital.

The doctors re-membered him on his birthday!

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