In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it.

This is because windows no longer supports Flash.

My wife just left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

I can complete a Rubik's Cube without touching it

Perk of being colour blind

Do you know what you can hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

This girl in my museum studies class said she likes touching old things.

I want to make this a good semester for her.

What's the name of that painting in the louvre that you get arrested for touching?

I can't quite put my finger on it.

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Mr. Smith walks into the bathroom to find an armless army vet struggling at the urinals.

Seeing the poor vet in distress and acknowledging what he must have sacrificed for their country Smith offers to undo his zipper for him.

"Thank you so much young man" the vet says. "I know this is a lot to ask but could you also hold it for me so I don't make a mess of myself"

Relucta...

A plane malfunctioned and went for a nosedive mid-flight, but it just bounced after touching the ground.

Boeing.

Touching it softly

Touch it softly, put two fingers inside, if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's real wet and rub up and down.

Yup, that's how you wash a cup.

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

CDC now says that covid-19 isn't easily spread through surface touching

100 bucks says it's just so casinos can open

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A woman peers into her bedroom mirror and sighs, deeply.

Her husband quickly asks what the issue is, concerned. She turns around, facing him, “I’m not who I used to be. My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated and my crows feet are deepen more and more by the day! My collar bones are undefined and my arms are flappy. My beh...

A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk the...

A man travelled to the future to see how he died.

Past man followed himself through the timeline (without being noticed) to find the day he died.

He then followed himself around town to see how he died.

First, future man went to the bank. He withdrew some money and got on his way.

Next, he got on a train to get somewhere else....

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A Man Walks Into a Car Dealership

A man walks into a car dealership and sees the car of his dreams.

He walks up to it, and gives it the whole over/under but can't find a price listed anywhere on it.

He runs his hands along the door and when he does, he accidentally lets out a loud fart. He looks around quickly to see i...

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A touching story my father told me when I was a lad,

So I was walking down the street one afternoon and a particularly dirty, broken down, beat up, sorry looking, shabby homeless man asked me for money,

I says, "why if I gave you money, surely you'll just spend it on booze!" I says!

He says, " no sir! I quit drinking years ago!"

....

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

Two friends were out golfing one morning.

One of them is just getting ready to tee off when he notices a funeral processing passing on the street adjacent to the golf course.
He stops mid swing, drops his club and takes off his hat, then begins to say a prayer. Once the procession passes, he puts his hat back on, picks up his club and is...

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A spoon and a string

A man was eating in a restaurant and notice every waiter has a spoon in their pocket. The man asks one waiter and he says

We have it because there is a study that 7 out of 10 times it's the spoon that falls to the floor.

After the waiter says that a spoon falls to the floor and they ...

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

The man with no arms and legs had truly a touching moment at the hospital.

The doctors re-membered him on his birthday!

A blind person is touching sandpaper and ask...

who wrote this nonsense?

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Hey, do you know that feeling of touching a girl's boob?

Yeah, neither do I.

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