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Attach Jokes

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.















*I'll fetch my coat of arms*

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.

He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
The pirate replies, "Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"

I threw a boomerang with some RAM attached to it

It really brought back memories

What did the popcorn kernel say when it found itself attached to another kernel?

I'm a little corn-fused.

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday, Bill”

I bought a book today about how to attach permanent metal fasteners.

It’s riveting.

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

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I spent many hours trying to attach a faucet to a donkey.

I tapped that ass all night.

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Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

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focus

Two poor country girls are broke and decide to do some nude modeling. Cherylynn has posed for the photographer before so she knows the process.

The photog invites them into his studio and offers them a drink. Darlene,being nervous, asks Cherylynn "whass that there in that jug?". The reply is ...

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

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I bought a robotic penis that attaches between my forearm and my fingers.

It seems quite futurewristdick.

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...

Gift That Keeps Giving

A guys wife tells him she really wants to learn to Ocean Kayak. He tries to tell her that she must take lessons and will have to buy expensive equipment.  She explains it is her life long dream, so he supports her fully.

A few months later,  she is ready for her first Ocean Kayak experience...

I attached all of my watches together to make a belt ...

***... as it turns out, it was a waist of time!***

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
...

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

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I should have guessed getting eyes surgically attached to my asshole was a bad idea.

But hind sight is 20/20.

I was told that you catch more fish if you put maggots in your mouth for 5m before attaching them to your rod. Is this true?

I await your replies with baited breath.

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My penis fell off and I forgot how to attach it.

But then I remembered.

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

Asked surgeon to re-attach my arm.

He said he couldn’t remember.

I tried to attach a trailer to my truck without the proper equipment.

It went off without a hitch.

Why did the Buddha quit gmail?

Because of the attachments.

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My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

What happens when you attach stew to a blimp?

Soup rise!

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble….with emotional attachments.

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

Scientists attached cameras to dogs, to learn more about their life.

Turns out: 10% of time - dog trying to get rid from camera and rest of time - it run away from scientists.

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.

I’ve invented a biro with a bell attachment.

Patent pen ding.

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

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A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

When I die I want to be buried in two coffins attached side by side.

That way I can comfortably turn over in my grave.

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert.

He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and says to Shaun "ah, that would have been the Camel Leg Thief, you ca...

What do you call a nose that’s not attached to a body?

Nobody knows!

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984

Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

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If you attach a dildo to a tree,

Did you just give it a transplant, or is it now a trans-plant?

A girl wants to be a comedian when she grows up.

Her parents are sad she doesn't want to carry on the family farm, but they encourage their daughter to follow her dreams. She's too shy to tell people her puns in person, so she figures out how to share them another way.

The girl takes a bunch of her father's old pasture fence posts and pound...

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

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Don't you hate it when people attach little steering wheels to their penises?

It drives me nuts.

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

A brunette and two blondes were hanging on a rope that was attached to a helicopter...

They were hanging on for dear life. However, they were told that the rope was going to break soon and that it could only support two people at this rate.

The two blondes started arguing about who should let go of the rope. The brunette didn't speak for most of the argument, but suddenly thoug...

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

Do You Know How I Know I Have A Buddhist Vacuum Cleaner?

It doesn't have any attachments

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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together.

The story was riveting.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

I never understood people's fanatic attachment to their clothes..

..it's just sew material.

A man with no arms and no legs always had a dream of becoming a firefighter.

His mother didn’t want to crush his dreams but she knew he would never be accepted. She let him set up an interview so he could be let down slowly. Surprisingly, she picked him up and he gave her the news that he got the job. She was shocked. On his first day of work, she wanted to check in on him s...

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

Competitive kite flying was a lot of fun but I eventually had to quit.

Too many strings attached.

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Voodoo Dick

There once was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of a flirtatious sort, and so he thought to find something to keep her occupied while he was away. So he went to a sex store to find something special for his wife. He asked the old man in the shop...

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Tampax are releasing a tampon with tinsel attached to it....

It's for the Christmas period

What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

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I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

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Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

My girlfriend is really attached to me

She's basically my right arm

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

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All about stress

Tits - natural anti-stress balls! The irony is that they come attached to the most effective thing to create stress!

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

A man walks into doctor's office with a duck attached to his head.

"Oh my god!" - exclaims the doctors in surprise - "How did this happen?".

- "I'm not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot" - replies the duck.

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[NSFW] What did Robocop say when they gave him a penis attachment?

"Dead or alive, you're cumming with me"

There was a terrorist with a bomb attached to his bowels.

He had explosive diarrhea.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants...

The barkeep says "I have no problem serving pirates, but I gotta ask...what's with the steering wheel?"

The pirate looks at him and says "Arr, it be drivin me nuts..."

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I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..."

It's just clique bate.

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NSFW - Did you hear about the little boy who was born without eyelids? They took the skin from his circumcision and surgically attached it to his eyes!

But now the poor kid is cock-eyed.

I gave a speech on attaching wooden planks

I nailed it

The psychiatrist was excited to receive a wicker attache.

He always wanted a basket case.

A man enters the emergency room with a duck attached to his head. Everybody is astonished, people can’t believe what they are seeing. The doctor is amazed, after a few minutes the doctor asks: what happened here?

I don’t know, answers the duck. Everything started with a bit of pain in my foot

What's something a dentist can say but a gynecologist cannot?

I'm a dentist.


EDIT: Do not read the comments they are not very appropriate.

EDIT 2: Okay people seem to be making a different type of joke to my prompt so I've decided to attach an alternate version: >!I'm not a gynecologist.!<

EDIT 3: This post wouldn't have had to b...

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What's worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?

Having high voltage electrodes attached to your testicles and being flogged senseless with a knotted rope.

Sawmill Accident (long)

Paddy and Mick are two friends working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick...

Fun fact: It is confirmed that monks are allowed to use email.

Just as long as there are no attachments.

Why are branches attached to trees?

Because they stick

History Professor

A History Professor is welcoming a fresh intake of undergraduates and decides it is worth having a little fun to settle down the nervous young adults.

He looks at the register to see which students are in his class this semester.

“Do we have a Miss Butcher here?” He asks and a hand i...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

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What does a drill with a dildo attached to the end and watching golf have in common?

They both bore the fuck out of you!

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