UPJOKE
fastenaffixbindtieappendlinkbondfixateyokesequesterconnectfixtetherglueinsert

Attach Jokes

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.















*I'll fetch my coat of arms*
upvote downvote report

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

I threw a boomerang with some RAM attached to it

It really brought back memories
upvote downvote report

I bought a book today about how to attach permanent metal fasteners.

It’s riveting.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I spent many hours trying to attach a faucet to a donkey.

I tapped that ass all night.

Asked surgeon to re-attach my arm.

He said he couldn’t remember.
upvote downvote report

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.

He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
The pirate replies, "Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"
upvote downvote report

Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached

They could be from your parents
upvote downvote report

I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, so I immediately reported him to the authorities...

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis fell off and I forgot how to attach it.

But then I remembered.

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.
upvote downvote report

What did the popcorn kernel say when it found itself attached to another kernel?

I'm a little corn-fused.
upvote downvote report

What happens when you attach stew to a blimp?

Soup rise!
upvote downvote report

I tried to attach a trailer to my truck without the proper equipment.

It went off without a hitch.
upvote downvote report

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused
upvote downvote report

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist : your problem seems to be over attachment, a tendency to fall in love very quickly without regards of other person's feeling.

Me : please don't talk like this, baby doll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a robotic penis that attaches between my forearm and my fingers.

It seems quite futurewristdick.

I attached all of my watches together to make a belt ...

***... as it turns out, it was a waist of time!***
upvote downvote report

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.
upvote downvote report

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.
upvote downvote report

I’ve invented a biro with a bell attachment.

Patent pen ding.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suspected her wife to cheat on him while he was at work.

A man suspected his wife to cheat on him while he was at work. He told his best friend about it.

*- I could place a hidden camera in the bedroom, but I don't want to spend that much money...*
*- Well, there's an easy and cheap way to be sure: attach a spoon under your mattress, and place...

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.
upvote downvote report

My wife attached a Clapper to her bedside lamp...

Now when she bangs me, it looks like a strobe light.
upvote downvote report

Scientists attached cameras to dogs, to learn more about their life.

Turns out: 10% of time - dog trying to get rid from camera and rest of time - it run away from scientists.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I should have guessed getting eyes surgically attached to my asshole was a bad idea.

But hind sight is 20/20.

A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...
upvote downvote report

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday, Bill”
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984

Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.
upvote downvote report

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b
upvote downvote report

What do you call a nose that’s not attached to a body?

Nobody knows!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…"

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best frien...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't you hate it when people attach little steering wheels to their penises?

It drives me nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tampax are releasing a tampon with tinsel attached to it....

It's for the Christmas period

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it

I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached
upvote downvote report

My girlfriend is really attached to me

She's basically my right arm
upvote downvote report

A pirate has a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

As he walks down the street someone notices and asks "Doesn't that hurt?"

The pirate replies, "Arr, it drives me nuts."
upvote downvote report

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hiking in China

He walked up a beautiful mountain for hours until it was nearly night. Then he saw an old stone house, two stories high, beautiful but very old work.
He knocked on the door and an old Chinese man opened.
"Hello good sir, I know I am a stranger, but it is getting dark and I don't want to hike ...

I was told that you catch more fish if you put maggots in your mouth for 5m before attaching them to your rod. Is this true?

I await your replies with baited breath.
upvote downvote report

What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician
upvote downvote report

I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together.

The story was riveting.
upvote downvote report

I gave a speech on attaching wooden planks

I nailed it
upvote downvote report

A brunette and two blondes were hanging on a rope that was attached to a helicopter...

They were hanging on for dear life. However, they were told that the rope was going to break soon and that it could only support two people at this rate.

The two blondes started arguing about who should let go of the rope. The brunette didn't speak for most of the argument, but suddenly thoug...
upvote downvote report

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...
upvote downvote report

Why are branches attached to trees?

Because they stick
upvote downvote report

The psychiatrist was excited to receive a wicker attache.

He always wanted a basket case.
upvote downvote report

There was a terrorist with a bomb attached to his bowels.

He had explosive diarrhea.
upvote downvote report

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.
upvote downvote report

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life is a lot like a piranha attached to a boomerang.

No matter what I do, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.
upvote downvote report

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What did Robocop say when they gave him a penis attachment?

"Dead or alive, you're cumming with me"

What do you call a Taiwanese dog with a camera attached to its head?

A GouPro
upvote downvote report

“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
upvote downvote report

What is an overly attached girlfriend's favorite TV show?

Bae-watch.
upvote downvote report

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...
upvote downvote report

A man walks into doctor's office with a duck attached to his head.

"Oh my god!" - exclaims the doctors in surprise - "How did this happen?".

- "I'm not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot" - replies the duck.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants...

The barkeep says "I have no problem serving pirates, but I gotta ask...what's with the steering wheel?"

The pirate looks at him and says "Arr, it be drivin me nuts..."
upvote downvote report

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.
upvote downvote report

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...
upvote downvote report

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are a...
upvote downvote report

What's something a dentist can say but a gynecologist cannot?

I'm a dentist.


EDIT: Do not read the comments they are not very appropriate.

EDIT 2: Okay people seem to be making a different type of joke to my prompt so I've decided to attach an alternate version: >!I'm not a gynecologist.!<

EDIT 3: This post wouldn't have had to b...
upvote downvote report

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis is small

But I’m pretty attached to it.

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a drill with a dildo attached to the end and watching golf have in common?

They both bore the fuck out of you!

In a chemistry lab, there's a bottle of methanol on the table with a note attached "don't drink it, you will go blind"...

The next day the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye".
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

My stapler broke while stapling my marriage prenup agreement.

I have attachment issues.
upvote downvote report

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information