I tried to attach a trailer to my truck without the proper equipment.

It went off without a hitch.

Got attached by zombies but they didn't hurt me.

Fortunately, they were looking for brains.

Asked surgeon to re-attach my arm.

He said he couldn’t remember.

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984

Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.

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My buddy sent me some pornographic films in an email attachment.

Sigh *unzips*

What do you call a nose that’s not attached to a body?

Nobody knows!

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens, called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

Any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roost...

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My penis fell off and I forgot how to attach it.

But then I remembered.

A brunette and two blondes were hanging on a rope that was attached to a helicopter...

They were hanging on for dear life. However, they were told that the rope was going to break soon and that it could only support two people at this rate.

The two blondes started arguing about who should let go of the rope. The brunette didn't speak for most of the argument, but suddenly thoug...

What happens when you attach stew to a blimp?

Soup rise!

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

I used to know how to attach severed limbs back on a torso.

But I just can’t remember anymore.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

I attached all my watches together to make a belt...

It was a Waist of time..

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

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I can't sleep at night because I keep hearing my therapist telling me I have attachment issues

I really need to soundproof my basement

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

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The Grammar of F***

Transitive Verb: "I want you to fuck me until I can't walk."

Intransitive Verb: "We fucked until my dick fell off."

Phrasal Verb: "I'm going to royally fuck you up."

Noun: "That guy is such a dumb fuck."

Pronoun: "Look who fuck-face over there brought to the party."
...

I find it hard to talk openly about the holes in my hands and feet

Just feels likes there’s a lot of stigmata attached

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Two guys working at a sawmill....

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incred...

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Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory?

The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?

She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

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Professional Gun For Hire

There is a well-known assassin that charges $10,000 per bullet. A man discreetly approaches him at a local bar and asks, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yes!" says the assassin.

"What if you miss?"

The assassin smugly looks at the man. "I don't miss!"

"I...

Dating life

If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached.

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A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

Why don't lightsabers have picatinny rails?

Jedi aren't allowed to have attachments.

My friend found an old broken puppet and he said I can have it

No strings attached

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

A man is out jogging

And man is out jogging and he sees a kid approaching in the distance.

As they get closer, the man can see the kid is in a little red wagon and is getting pulled by a dog.

As they get even closer, the man can see the kid has a fireman's helmet on.

Just as they were about to pass,...

I had to return my Buddhist vacuum...

It came with no attachments.

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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Tampax are releasing a tampon with tinsel attached to it....

It's for the Christmas period

I just learned that “fan” is short for “fanatic”.

.
.
.
.
.
I guess that explains why my ceiling fan is so attached.

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition.

Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, ...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

I never understood people's fanatic attachment to their clothes..

..it's just sew material.

Bull auction.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ........

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

because attachments are forbidden

What's the problem with being gifted cobwebs?

There's always strings attached.

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If you attach a dildo to a tree,

Did you just give it a transplant, or is it now a trans-plant?

What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

Fishing with Bubba

One day a local went in to the sheriff and told him that Bubba was breaking the law when he went fishing. The sheriff called the game warden and sent him to investigate.

The game warden found Bubba at the convenience store packing ice into his beer cooler with a boat attached to his truck....

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

BDSM really isn't good for one night stands...

There's usually strings attached.

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

"You realize there is a steering wheel attached to your crotch right?"

The pirate says:
"ARRRRR, AND THEY DRIVIN ME NUTS!"

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I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

A four foot tall man visits the local bordello...

when he gets there. he's immediately greeted with laughter and scorn by the ladies of the night, who giggled and laughed at the very thought of sleeping with him.



Finally, the madam had enough. The man had money, and his money was just as good as anyone else's. So she took him by th...

A teacher shows the class a picture of a tomcat...

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard and proceeds to ask the class

“Can you tell me how the tail is attached to the cat?”

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers,

“By fur Miss?”

The teacher replies

“Not quite right Mary, but a good try.”<...

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

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Don't you hate it when people attach little steering wheels to their penises?

It drives me nuts.

Tired of the modern world, a businessman visited a monastery to seek a simpler life

Entering the monastery, he saw monks in simple robes practicing their meditations and tending to the grounds.

"Ahh," he thought, "here is a life free from distraction!"

But walking into the study halls, he discovered monks staring into laptops. In the wings, he saw monks typing on iPa...

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

You are allowed to send e-mails to people in prison

As long as you don't attach a file

Scientists were studying rams

They had three rams in their lab. Each ram had a leather collar, and attached to each collar was a tag identifying them as A, B and C.

One of the researchers brought a large gourd from the supply closet and placed it on the head of Ram A. Nothing happened. After five minutes he removed the g...

I'm tired of explaining to my spiritual Guru how E-mails work.

He can't just understand what attachments are!

If you cry when you cut an onion, here’s a tip:

Don’t get emotionally attached

I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together.

The story was riveting.

His holiness the Dalai Lama

Sent an email to Xi Jinping.

Xi Jinping opened the email and clicked on the attachment.

It was malware and the Party's computer system crashed.

Xi Jinping got on the phone and angrily demanded an answer from His Holiness.

"With attachment, comes suffering", said the Dalai...

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Little Billy comes home and asks his dad...

"Daddy, one of the boys at school called me a 'cunt'! What does that mean?"

His dad says, "wait until mommy goes to bed, and then I'll show you."

A few hours pass, and sure enough mom has gone to bed and fallen asleep. Billy's dad comes into his room and wakes him up. They go into the ...

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants...

The barkeep says "I have no problem serving pirates, but I gotta ask...what's with the steering wheel?"

The pirate looks at him and says "Arr, it be drivin me nuts..."

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

There was a terrorist with a bomb attached to his bowels.

He had explosive diarrhea.

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.

Yesterday I went in for my yearly dental exam.

I had forgotten my dentist had retired last year so I was a little surprised to see a new dentist waiting for me who, come to find out, had just graduated from dental school in russia. After exchanging greetings I sat down and he began his exam. As he was working I casually looked over at his wall d...

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

Long ago, in a faraway land, there was a traveller.

He wanted to sell a goat, but no one wanted it. He travelled far and wide to see if anyone wanted it.

One day, he reached a small town in the desert. Before he entered the town, he decided to take a nap under a tree, and tied up his goat nearby.

On waking up a few hours later, he found...

My girlfriend is really attached to me

She's basically my right arm

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Number one reason not to have sex with puppets?

... there's always strings attached.

(I know, I'm sorry, I'll see myself out, bye now)

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[NSFW] What did Robocop say when they gave him a penis attachment?

"Dead or alive, you're cumming with me"

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I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..."

It's just clique bate.

Mike Pence walks into a bar with a fly on his head.

The bartender says, “Hey you, you can’t come in here with that attached to you, it spreads disease and I run a clean establishment.”

The fly says, “I’m so sorry, but it’s stuck to my feet.”

I gave a speech on attaching wooden planks

I nailed it

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Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

A man enters the emergency room with a duck attached to his head. Everybody is astonished, people can’t believe what they are seeing. The doctor is amazed, after a few minutes the doctor asks: what happened here?

I don’t know, answers the duck. Everything started with a bit of pain in my foot

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A 8 year old girl walks up to her mother

Girl: "Ma what balls can you not play with?"
Mother: "What do you mean?"
Girl: "I will give you a hint. It is attached to the body but you cannot kick them or punch them."
Mother: Looks around and sweats nervously, "The balls attached to a penis?"
Girl: "No ma eyeballs!"

One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar

. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference.
After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
Considerin...

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What did the spider say after it had sex?

No Strings attached.

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
...

A man walks into doctor's office with a duck attached to his head.

"Oh my god!" - exclaims the doctors in surprise - "How did this happen?".

- "I'm not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot" - replies the duck.

Unfortunately a large population of the East Coast of the US are attaching sleds to their backs.

Now it's all going down hill rather quickly.

Brown bears vs Grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

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African Penis Growth Technique

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when

each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a

weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches lo...

Jumping with a rope can either be fun or sad.

It all depends on where the rope is attached.

I shouldn’t have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues.

There were no strings attached.

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One Friday morning, Akshit Singh lost his dear pet cat.

He frantically searched around the neighborhood, looking for his precious Bala. He tried to search under dumpsters, he asked his neighbors if they'd seen Bala wandering around recently, and he set cat food and water outside in hopes of attracting Bala back to his house.



Much to his d...

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