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A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

I attached all my watches together to make a belt...

It was a Waist of time..

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What's the difference between a pile of women's underwear with dildos attached and the entire BLM movement?

Well one's a bunch of fuckin' knickers...

What happens when you attach stew to a blimp?

Soup rise!

I used to know how to attach severed limbs back on a torso.

But I just can’t remember anymore.

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My penis fell off and I forgot how to attach it.

But then I remembered.

I'm not very good at DIY but I managed to attach a piece of wood to another piece of wood.

Nailed it.

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

My girlfriend told me she prefers No Strings Attached.

And then the removed my parachute midair b

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it.

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

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Tampax are releasing a tampon with tinsel attached to it....

It's for the Christmas period

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

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So there’s this farm. On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

So there’s this farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the ...

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

Brown bears vs Grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.

Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.

One night, a man and a woman meet at a bar

. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference.
After about an hour, the man says to the
woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."
Considerin...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the test papers and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a not...

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

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Twelve monks were about to be ordained

Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of puri...

I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.

I was in shambles.

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”

“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.

Which email attains enlightenment ?

The one which has no attachments !

A pirate walked into a bar

And had the wheel of his ship attached to the front of his pants.

The bartender asked him: “what’s up with the wheel attached to your crotch?”

The pirate replied: “Arrr... it’s driving me nuts”

A man working at a plane manufacturer goes to his supervisor with a problem

“Sir, I think someone here isn’t attaching the wings. I’ve seen several planes with only one wing,” the man tells his supervisor. “I think it might be Joe.”

His supervisor looks alarmed and replies, “Well that won’t fly!”

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.
...

I never understood people's fanatic attachment to their clothes..

..it's just sew material.

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

Is it ok for monks to use email?

As long as they don't have attachments.

I was not very disappointed when I lost my AirPods.

It was No Strings Attached anyways.

The Rusky and the Kraut

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (a...

What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

Alot of people cry when they cut onions

Trick is: Just try not to get too emotionally attached.

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I wanted to make my cock longer so I had 5 toes surgically attached.

It still looks the same length but now it feels like a foot!

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

Why do pirates only have one type of weapon attached to their ship?

Because the other weapons are non-canon.

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man writing to his insurance

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bric...

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My life is a lot like a piranha attached to a boomerang.

No matter what I do, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

"You realize there is a steering wheel attached to your crotch right?"

The pirate says:
"ARRRRR, AND THEY DRIVIN ME NUTS!"

An elderly man hears a knock at the door and goes to answer.

When he opens the door he sees that it is the local sheriff and says "How may I help you?" The sheriff asks if he is Marvin Johnson married to Louise Johnson. He says that he is and the sheriff says to him "Well I've got some bad news, some good news and some really good news. Which would you lik...

Buddhism is opposed to our always-on, technologically driven lives.

It’s not the emails that are the problem. It’s the attachments.

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Does anyone wanna buy some used tampons?

No strings attached

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If you attach a dildo to a tree,

Did you just give it a transplant, or is it now a trans-plant?

State Fair

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'





My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and s...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

What did the amputee chemist say as he attached his new leg?

Neon.

There was a terrorist with a bomb attached to his bowels.

He had explosive diarrhea.

A monk was checking his emails.

A woman saw this and looked at him weirdly,
Soon she approached him and asked
"is it okay for monks to use emails?"
The monk said "Ofcourse its okay for Monks to use Emails,
As long as there are no attachments"

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Cure for snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he
will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog ...

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Don't you hate it when people attach little steering wheels to their penises?

It drives me nuts.

A woman goes out boating one day...

A woman takes the boat out one afternoon, but does not come back. The next day, her husband answers a knock at the door to two grim-faced State Troopers.

"Good afternoon sir, regarding your wife we have some bad news, good news, and really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
...

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Modern Day Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.


His horse has already died of thirst.


He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards a...

My wife asked if I would donate my kidney to her if she ever needed it. I said I would but there's strings attached.

..and veins and arteries.

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

Two conjoined twins, attached by the face, have successfully been separated today.

Since the operation they've done nothing but argue.

Having once been so close, they no longer see eye to eye.

I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together.

The story was riveting.

I befriended a stone, but it fell into the river

A shame, really. I was attached to that stone.

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I need new pals. So I was at my locker before class with all the stuff I like in front of me, attached to yarn. "What're you doing?" asks the Principal. "Fishing for a new friend group. This is stuff Im into they may like." I said. "You cant leave this stuff laying here." He says. So I say "Why..."

It's just clique bate.

I gave a speech on attaching wooden planks

I nailed it

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[NSFW] What did Robocop say when they gave him a penis attachment?

"Dead or alive, you're cumming with me"

DOCTOR: whats the problem?

**ME:** My right leg is missing.

**DOCTOR:** No problemo

**ME:**

**DOCTOR:** Great success, we’ve attached your leg.

**ME:** My left leg is missing now.

**DOCTOR:** No problemo

My girlfriend is really attached to me

She's basically my right arm

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Did you hear Tampax is donating slightly defective tampons to charities?

No strings attached

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.

She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different ton...

My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together. But I could not open the file ..

I have trouble with emotional attachments

I bought a Buddhist vacuum cleaner.

It's free of all attachments.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

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Tarzan was swinging through the jungle high in the canopy and his vine breaks....

He fell hitting jagged branches and thorns for about a hundred feet or so and slammed into the ground below wounded and dying.

A few hours later a witch doctor comes across him and decides to drag his lifeless body to his hut to try to help him. The witch Dr. examines Tarzan and sees that dur...

In a chemistry lab, there's a bottle of methanol on the table with a note attached "don't drink it, you will go blind"...

The next day the bottle is half empty and someone added to the note: "I will risk one eye".

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Why do tampons have strings attached?

So you can floss after you eat.


Alt ending: So the crabs can bungee jump.

Disciple: O Master! Is it OK for a monk to use e-mail?

Master: Sure, as long as there are no attachments!

Unfortunately a large population of the East Coast of the US are attaching sleds to their backs.

Now it's all going down hill rather quickly.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

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A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

A man walks into doctor's office with a duck attached to his head.

"Oh my god!" - exclaims the doctors in surprise - "How did this happen?".

- "I'm not sure exactly, but it all started a few month ago with a small growth on my foot" - replies the duck.

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

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Old Buddy Hackett Joke

In a terrible accident a wealthy businessman had his penis torn off. Because of his immense wealth when it came time to repair the area he had the surgeon attach an elephant trunk in place of his penis. He was quite pleased with this and soon his life got back to normal.

The gentleman was at...

I miss my umbilical cord..

I grew attached to it.

I called my boss and told him I couldn't make it to work today because the wind had blown leaves onto my car in the night.



"So? Just wipe them off." he said.



"Well, they're still attached to the tree." I replied.

I was pumping some iron in the gym yesterday,

when the trainer pointed out that the hole in the weights was supposed to be for attaching them to a bar.

Don't step on a duck

St. Peter is assisting applicants to heaven three at a time. He's leading the latest trio around, showing them the best clouds, where to get the best harps, best wing cleaning service etc.

One guy has a complaint, though. "What's with all these ducks? They're everywhere and getting underfoo...

One-night stands are great with drummers

As opposed to guitarists, there's no strings attached.

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

Why are branches attached to trees?

Because they stick

My newborn son made such a fuss when the doctor cut his umbilical cord.

It seems he had really grown attached to it.

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Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.

"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?

“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you hav...

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