The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy...

So I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable Wi-Fi!

What connection does Reddit have to the real world?

Recycling. Reuse, Reuse, and Reuse.

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

My internet connection and my diet are missing one thing in common...

Fiber

I have an unpredictable connection with my tap.

It's a hot and cold relationship.

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?

A wyrmhole.

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

Mueller: Please tell me why you have so many suspicious Russian connections.

Trump: I have a perfectly treasonable explanation!

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection?

Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.

My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection

So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in."


True stories can be jokes too..

My internet connection is just like my Ex-Girlfriend

Unstable

I've always had a deep connection with mirrors

I see a lot of myself in them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Penises are like internet connections

Having a big pipe is great, but it doesn't do you much good if you don't have any uptime.

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the connection between the Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper?

They both travel around Uranus looking for Klingons.

What do you call a Chinese man with a bad internet connection?

Hi Ping

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection.

The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult ab...

I don’t think the relationship with my phone is working out

We have no connection outside the house

How did the fish get high?

He’s got a connection for really good seaweed.

A couple decides to spend a vacation in a Caribbean beach, in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago, but due to work problems, the woman could not travel with her husband, so she would catch him in few days.

When the man arrived at the hotel, he saw there was a computer with Internet connection in the room. So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife but, he made a mistake in a letter and without realizing he sent it to another address ... The e-mail is received by a widow who had just arrived from her ...

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:


`Error: failed to establish connection with server. `

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

Attention Nerds!

It would be so much easier if humans came with an error message just like computers do.
Imagine sitting in a restaurant and failing miserably at flirting with the waitress.
"Warning! Error establishing connection with the Server"

Why do you get an error when you look for today's date?

Because your internet connection sucks.

Did you hear that Donald Trump's new hair will cause riots due to its connection to satanic rituals?

If he confirms the change, they'll be hell toupee.

I'll show myself out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, y...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

Why did the unicorn cross the road?

To make the rainbow connection!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

Girl, are you my WiFi?

Because I’m not getting a connection.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

A sailor is newly arrived in port

and, of course, goes looking for female companionship. He makes a connection in a bar and they go back to her place, and just as they're starting to get hot and heavy she says "By the way, this will be $300, OK?". He reaches for his wallet and hands over the money with a slightly sour expression, th...

The Chinese Workman

An Australian man comes to Oregon during the great gold rush knowing of a location where tons of gold has yet to be discovered. Keeping it as secretive as possible, he comes alone and needs to hire help as he arrives. He heads to the local bar where many of the miners spend their evenings. He has ma...

If driving your car is too expensive,

we in germany got some good connections for cheap gas.

Inmate escapes prison

Johnny had been in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison. Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison. After ten ye...

My flight was delayed from birds striking against the airliner.

Wtf birds, just do your job. What are they even paying you for??? I got a connection to make.

Music Joke

Beethoven was my favorite composer ever, I felt a personal connection to him, so I set out to dig up his grave. I walked over to the cemetery in which he was buried, and started digging. I pulled out the casket and opened the top. I was shocked when I saw his decaying body sitting upright erasing hi...

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a lightbulb.

One Jeremy! One! We've changed our entire lives, took on lower paying jobs. Spent years and time on therapy and pills and connections so you can have a normal life. So change the damn lightbulb Jeremey. CHANGE THE DAMN LIGHTBULB...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met an asexual today and asked him how the hell he could not like sex

“Oh no,” he replied, “Sex is great! It’s the closest you can be with someone, the ultimate connection with the person you love most.”

“Well, why are you asexual, then?” I asked

“I love sex,” he said. “It’s just having it with other people that ruins it.”

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A politician, priest and scout duo are in a crashing plane....

There are only 2 parachutes left and they are arguing who gets them

Politician: I'm an important man with connections I can help alot of people

Priest: I help people of all ages with all sorts of problems. I can't help alot if people too

Scout: We are only children and have my w...

Chegg Serial Killer

(I originally posted this on /r/JokeShop, and am still very open to improvements.)

I messed up badly, and I want to share my story.

A few years ago, I was offered a dream job at my school's career fair. Great company, great pay, great benefits, just great all around. There was only one...

A guy walks in to an appliance store

And the salesman immediately approaches him saying:

"Sir, would you be interested in a 4K Super smart tv with a voice remote, connection to youtube,netflix and social sites and instant access to thousands of channels around the world"

"Okay... For how much?"

"ONLY 5 dollars" - S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American went on a business trip to Japan.

An American went on a business trip to Japan. He arrives with a few free days to spare and so decides to go out for a few drinks. While out he meets a local and although they do not speak the same language they both feel an instant connection and head home to spend the night together. As soon as ...

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."

The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."

The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste r...

A man breaks down on a country road in Ireland and hears a voice.

He opens opens his bonnet/hood and looks at the engine. He knows nothing about cars and has no hope of fixing it, then he hears a voice "Check the alternator"....Where the hell did that voice come from, he looks round and leaning over a gate is a huge white horse looking at him "Check the alternator...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John was stuttering his whole life

He went to all the specialist that existed since he was a child. They tried everything possible but nobody could help him.

He started a new job and his coworker told him about this genius doctor that has not met a condition he couldn't fix. Desperate John decides to give this doctor a final ...

On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:

-What’s your name?

-Angela Benz, sir.

-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?

-Yes, sir. A very close one.

-How close?
...

I business man decides to open a bar in small town in Texas...

It was quiet little town where lot of people were god fearing and church going folk.

His bar began construction on a new building on the same street as one of the town churches (one of twelve) to increase their business. The local Baptist church among other god fearing folk of course were sho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A swear word confession.

A guy went to the church for a confession, he got there and started talking to the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, I said fuck comcast"
Priest said that it's ok and to tell him what happened.
The guy said "well i was chatting online with this chick and she sent me her pic, she ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Solving a problem

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or se...

Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?

Hello, would you like to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I'd like to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'll tell you a TCP joke.
OK, I'll hear a TCP joke.
Are you ready to hear a TCP joke?
Yes, I am ready to hear a TCP joke.
OK, I'm about to send the TCP joke. It will last 10 seconds, it has two characte...

So I told Hitler about 9/11

I told him about the carnage and the aftermath, and how the state of America was changed forever, but he was confused.

So, I told him about the backstory, and how Bin Laden began to plan this in the 90s, but he was still confused.

Then, I told him about the numerous connections and the...

In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church

The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The engineers were discussing God's profession

The mechanical engineer said, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at your joints and muscle connections."
The electrical engineer said, "I believe God must be an electrical engineer because your brain, nerves, electrical impulses and shit, just take a look at neurons. No doubt there."
Fi...

I'm in a serious relationship with my WIFI

You could say we have a strong connection.

Did you hear how historically accurate CoD WWII is?

They made sure all players experienced WWII the way it happened. Soldiers were always quickscoping, lagging and most importantly, losing connection to the host. Sledgehammer Games even rented WWII era servers to ensure we had a truly immersive experience

A town has banned music, and a monastery has popped up dedicated to worship in chorus.

The town's police were at the gates of the monastery every night, however the brother of the town's mayor was part of the monks, and used his connection to his brother to stop the police from interrupting their choral ceremonies.

After a year long stalemate, a man named Hugh came to the town,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

13 reasons why

Hannah: Can I have your wifi password?

Random person: Nah, sorry connection is shit as it is.

Hannah: Welcome to your tape.

A blond girl walks in to a restaurant

While she was there, she met a man who worked as a server. They both fell in love at first sight. At the end of his shift, the girl Safari and the server met up and decided to start dating. Both were passionate about their relationship. After a while, they decided to get married. To make sure that t...

I had this phone conversation the other day.

Me: “Consider this: like, right now, as we speak, there are human beings, like you and me, living in outer space. How crazy it is that we, as the human race, have collectively gathered the resources and technology required to haul dozens of tons of materials, entire habitats, up 350 thousand kilomet...

There was a boy who grew up in San Francisco and he absolutely loved watching the street cars going up and down the streets.

His goal, when he grew up was to eventually drive those things. Before he even graduated high school, he applied to the street car driving school. He got accepted and once he graduated high school he headed off to training. After months of classes and tests, he was off to his first day of work as an...

I had to fire my receptionist today.

There was just no connection.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the Redditor who's wife gave birth to twins?

When he was handed the first to be delivered he looked into his new son's eyes and formed an instant connection. The emotions were overwhelming. The resemblance to himself was striking. All his selfish thoughts melted away. At that moment he realised that his life was so much greater for now he was ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The pope is in Mexico visiting. He lowers the partition and kindly asks if he can drive.....

Driver: Excuse me your excellency?

Pope: I said, would you mind if I drive today?

Driver: B..bu...but, sir I will most certainly loose my job if I did that.

Pope: In all these years I have never driven. I used to enjoy driving so very much. I promise, you will not loose your...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I searched up why incest porn has become so popular this year.

Apparently Alabama just recently got internet connection.

Life support issues

Last night I was in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Half of men in America watch porn everyday.

The other half are waiting for Comcast to fix their internet connection.

The Old Man's Physical......

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''
And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, ...

Dorothy is stuck in Oz

Apparently magical footwear can't solve all of your problems. So she stays put.

Decades go by, and technology advances. Dorothy, realizing that things get boring without witches trying to murder you, gets a laptop.

She installs Internet Explorer, and the connection is terrible. Doroth...

Early to Bed and Early to Rise proves that .

The Person has no Internet Connection...;-p

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So how's the sex life?

Two fellows are catching up over a pint. Neither one of them are in the best of shape.

The older fellow says, "Well now that you've been married a few years, how is the sex life?"

The younger fellow says, "The wife calls me Vin Diesel when we are in the sack."

The older fellow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A UK businessman returns from Japan...

after spending a few weeks out there trying to gain some new clients and drum up new business.

During his trip he had some serious down time and got busy with a few of the local girls. One in particular seemed extremely satisfied during their encounter. She didn't speak a word of English but ...