UPJOKE
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My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

I was having trouble with my internet connection at the farm, so I moved my modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

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Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

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Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

What is the difference between Trump and reality?

Putin had connections with only one of them.

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

What film has the best connection?

Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

What do you call the connection between a family of Force users?

The Force Kin.

"Windows was unable to establish a network connection"

"would you like to go online to find further assistance?"

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

To all my techie, nerdy, geeky compatriots out there:

I got a date. Connection on port 443. Ok. Whatever path I took... it all ended in 403.

Me and my brother have quite the connection together

We're siamese twins



Note: I am actually not a siamese twin

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection?

"internyet!"

Why was the president who freed the slaves also a great businessman?

He had a lot of Abraham LinkedIn connections.

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How to write a funny joke:

Now, everyone always says timing is important; we'll get to that, the timing is usually in the punchline.

First you need a premise - it can be simple. A ball. That's the focus.

Some of you are already chuckling because your immature sense of humor has made its own connections with the ...

Here's a joke about a terrible cable car operator

So there was this man who had only one ambition in his life: he wanted to live in San Francisco and drive cable cars. So he moved there, and studied, and took a test to become a cable car driver. He failed. Studied some more, took the test again. Again he failed. Finally, on the third attempt, he pa...

I've always had a deep connection with mirrors

I see a lot of myself in them

There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection.

I guess you could call that Jet Lag.

There’s always been a familiar connection I get in the shade of my succulent collection...

Aloe darkness, my old friend.

Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection?

Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".

My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection

So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in."


True stories can be jokes too..

I have an unpredictable connection with my tap.

It's a hot and cold relationship.

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

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You never told me about that hot date...

A man comes home to see his roommate sitting in the dining room drinking coffee.

"Hey man, you never told me about that hot date you had a little while back! What happened?"

The man suddenly bursts out crying and runs off to his room slamming the door behind him.

The roommate th...

Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates

And St. Peter says, "We're pretty full, so we're making people pass additional tests. I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he's only letting in people who have a connection to Jets." All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim step...

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?

A wyrmhole.

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

My internet connection is just like my Ex-Girlfriend

Unstable

My internet connection and my diet are missing one thing in common...

Fiber

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection.

The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult ab...

What do women and dogs have in common?

They both know how to fake an emotional connection for free food

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

What do you call a Chinese man with a bad internet connection?

Hi Ping

A man was enjoying an evening stroll on the beach...

...when he came upon a group of four women building a fire. When they saw him one said, "This is a private ceremony. No men allowed!" The man apologized and turned around and went back the way he came, but curiousity got the best of him.

As soon as he was out of sight he went into the nearby...

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The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, y...

Did you hear that Donald Trump's new hair will cause riots due to its connection to satanic rituals?

If he confirms the change, they'll be hell toupee.

I'll show myself out.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

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Where Is The Connection?

A Middle-Aged Man Had An Obsession With Women’s Breasts.

So He Went To A Psychologist And Told The Doctor About His Problem.
“I Am Going To Do Word Association” Explained The Doctor – “I Am Going To Say A Word, And You Will Say The First Thing That Come To Your Mind”

Doctor: “Orange...

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