A prison did a study on inmate morale by building them a fully accessible library

**It had its prose and cons.**

*modified joke, original idea by* /u/Cybersad3021

How do trees access Reddit?

They “log” on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

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Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Hackers took over our system and won't give us back access to our files until we tell them how good looking they are.

It's a handsomeware attack.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

How did the lumberjack gain access into the tree?

He hacked his way through.

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

Hundreds of thousands of people throughout history could have died from eating apples daily…

…due to not having access to a Dr when they needed one.

In WWII, Hungary had finally declared war on the USA. An envoy is sent to the US embassy, where they handed over the formal declaration, after which the following conversation took place:

\- What is your form of government?

\-Kingdom.

\-Who's your king?

\- We don't have a king, but a regent.

\- Okay, then who's the regent?

\- Admiral Miklós Horthy.

\- Admiral? So do you have access to the ocean?

\- No.

\- Okay. Do you...

A German and a Swiss went to have a meeting together after invading France

The German asked "Why does Switzerland has a Naval Department? You guys are a landlocked country? You dont have access to the sea"

The Swiss then reply "Why does Germany has a Ministry of Justice?"

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

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Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

Dr. Frankenstein finally became popular enough in his own right to gain unlimited access to cemeteries and morgues for his creations.

I guess to the Victor goes the spoils.

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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

So, Richard Feynman applies for a job...

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don’t think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here’s the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They’re not...

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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

One Bill Gates' divorce

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams. On the Sur...

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

I created an AI that analyzed everything submitted to /r/Jokes over the past year, then I had it write its own joke. Here is that joke.

EXC_BAD_ACCESS (code=1, address=0x0)

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I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'



To your wallet.

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

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A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

Bill and Melinda started out as an Office romance

But his PowerPoint didn't Excel. So she denied him Access without a Word. Outlook not good.

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

What do you call a Monk who has an access to a door?

Monkey.

Why do so many redditors claim to be someone they're not when their entire post history is so easily accessible?

As a trans mtf ex-cop who also lost my arm in Afghanistan and whose husband just left me for some woman who is dying of cancer, I find it incredibly insulting. I've been through so much to make where I am right now. (I was abandoned as an infant in Russia in 1962. I grew up on the streets and when I...

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

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With greater access to the internet around the globe, more and more people are watching porn.

What is this world coming to?

Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

I guess it's because they don't have access to black magic...

The American school system is a lot like an EA game...

It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.

Why can’t early access developers ever have children?

They can never finish.

What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

Why do Karens like to press ctrl alt delete?

Because from there they can access the task manager

Net neutrality is overrated. I can still access all the sites.

Besides, most of them are the same anyway, always showing only 404 and the like.

I have no empathy for those with read-only access

It's my Write Privilege

Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

Looks like I'm going away for a while without internet access

tell my wifi love her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that can hold information for short periods of time?

Random Access Mammory.

I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.

79 million people are without access to drinkable water

Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

As I began to panic, I became increasingly warmer and very thirsty.

With no access to water, I knew that I had no choice but to do what Bear Grylls would do in this situation and drink my own urine.

It tasted better than I thought it would and to be honest, it really did refresh me.

Although I did get some funny looks from the others who had been stuck...

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

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Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Daniel...

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