UPJOKE
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If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

I think all inmates should have access to SMS messaging...

Con-text is important.

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

“Me and my fellow wheelchair users are appalled this congress voted down the wheelchair accessibility bill,” the senator exclaimed.

“We will not stand for this.”

A group of 40-year-old blokes who were having a reunion discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should mee...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

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Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

Where do virtual cows store milk?

The random access mammary

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Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

A zookeeper is giving a chemist a tour of the zoo.

The zookeeper gestures at a fancy new building proudly and says to the scientist "This is our replacement 'Pachyderm Palace'. It's newly built, and is not fully accessible, so it's only in use on Tuesdays."

The chemist says "Ah, so it's a periodic stable for the elephants."

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Hackers took over our system and won't give us back access to our files until we tell them how good looking they are.

It's a handsomeware attack.

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A young Japanese man was fleeing war

He ended in front of a Buddhist temple. He was granted access to this beautiful place and after a few weeks he saw the oldest high priest planting a tree.
He asked the old priest what is he doing. Priest said that the tree would cast a cooling shadow in the midst of the hottest summer when fully...

Where do vegetables go on vacation?

Anywhere with wheelchair accessibility.

How did the lumberjack gain access into the tree?

He hacked his way through.

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Pornhub has announced they will be giving Italians under quarantine due to covid 19 free premium access

Talk about coming together when things get hard.

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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

Dr. Frankenstein finally became popular enough in his own right to gain unlimited access to cemeteries and morgues for his creations.

I guess to the Victor goes the spoils.

The only way to access the contents in a bottle...

Is to decapitate it.

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

I'm really worried about the Facebook hack.

The thought of random strangers having access to my personal details creeps me out.

In WWII, Hungary had finally declared war on the USA. An envoy is sent to the US embassy, where they handed over the formal declaration, after which the following conversation took place:

\- What is your form of government?

\-Kingdom.

\-Who's your king?

\- We don't have a king, but a regent.

\- Okay, then who's the regent?

\- Admiral Miklós Horthy.

\- Admiral? So do you have access to the ocean?

\- No.

\- Okay. Do you...

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Easily accessible porn is causing increased cases of erectile dysfunction in younger populations...

Its a growing problem.

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'



To your wallet.

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Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

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A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

Hundreds of thousands of people throughout history could have died from eating apples daily…

…due to not having access to a Dr when they needed one.

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

A German and a Swiss went to have a meeting together after invading France

The German asked "Why does Switzerland has a Naval Department? You guys are a landlocked country? You dont have access to the sea"

The Swiss then reply "Why does Germany has a Ministry of Justice?"

Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Astronaut Anne McClain was accused of identity theft and accessing private finance records while onboard the International Space Station....

I'm not sure what the gravity of situation is, but how off earth did she find the space to pull that off.

I put a padlock on the refrigerator and superglued the key to the bottom of my big toe making it difficult to access the food.

I’m on the Key Toe Diet!

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

Why do so many redditors claim to be someone they're not when their entire post history is so easily accessible?

As a trans mtf ex-cop who also lost my arm in Afghanistan and whose husband just left me for some woman who is dying of cancer, I find it incredibly insulting. I've been through so much to make where I am right now. (I was abandoned as an infant in Russia in 1962. I grew up on the streets and when I...

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With greater access to the internet around the globe, more and more people are watching porn.

What is this world coming to?

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A love story

A Love Story


Micro was a real time user and a dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time sharing.

One evening Micro arrived home just as the sun was crashing. He had parked his Motorola ...

I created an AI that analyzed everything submitted to /r/Jokes over the past year, then I had it write its own joke. Here is that joke.

EXC_BAD_ACCESS (code=1, address=0x0)

Why can’t early access developers ever have children?

They can never finish.

Three European contrabass players were denied access to USA at a New York airport...

...they couldn't let contraband trough customs.

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

So, Richard Feynman applies for a job...

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don’t think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here’s the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They’re not...

One Bill Gates' divorce

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams. On the Sur...

Net neutrality is overrated. I can still access all the sites.

Besides, most of them are the same anyway, always showing only 404 and the like.

Frank, Ron, and Steve, all avid golfers, die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates…

Saint Peter says “Behind these gates is the most beautiful golf course you could ever imagine, all you need is a set of clubs.”

Saint Peter turns to Frank and asks, “How many times did you cheat on your spouse?” Frank, ashamed of himself, answers “About a dozen times.”

“Tsk tsk” mumbl...

Looks like I'm going away for a while without internet access

tell my wifi love her.

Mad cows

Two cows are standing in a field on a sunny day. The grass sways in waves from the summer breeze; a bumblebee slowly meanders across the meadow. One cow turns to the other.
Cow one: you know, I’m really struggling. I simply can’t shake this anxiety.
Cow two: (looking at his companion with a l...

Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

I have no empathy for those with read-only access

It's my Write Privilege

I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

79 million people are without access to drinkable water

Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

Bill and Melinda started out as an Office romance

But his PowerPoint didn't Excel. So she denied him Access without a Word. Outlook not good.

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

Why do Karens like to press ctrl alt delete?

Because from there they can access the task manager

The American school system is a lot like an EA game...

It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.

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