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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )

Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, t...

How does a tree access the internet?

It logs in

EA doesn't mean 'Early Access'

It means 'Easy Access'



To your wallet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put hidden cameras in every butter factory in the world and will sell access to them,

Some people just want to watch the world churn

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Little Timmy is given the homework: find the first four letters of the alphabet

Timmy didn't have internet access, so he asked his mother for the first letter. She was cooking an burned herself and screamed "oh fuck off." So Timmy wrote that down. Then he went to his father, who was watching darts, to ask for the second letter. He shouted "180!" So Timmy wrote that down. Then h...

If the Ku Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?

Because they don't have access to black magic.

Common sense is like dial-up internet access

It hasn’t been used in years

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

To all the Android users who just can't seem to gain administrator access to their devices on their own:

We're rooting for you!

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Starbucks announced they will soon block porn websites from their public access Wifi

Good thing all I need is that two-tailed mermaid.

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

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So I went to Japan on holiday,

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry...

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

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With greater access to the internet around the globe, more and more people are watching porn.

What is this world coming to?

In the ancient village of Gennemill, there lived the Trids...

The Trids were a happy folk, mostly due to their vast riches. They weren't known for being warriors, or for being artists, or for their architecture, but simply because they had the most gold, an entire mountain of it infact. But one day the powerful dragon, Sorial, swooped down on Gennemill and ove...

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

I have no empathy for those with read-only access

It's my Write Privilege

Net neutrality is overrated. I can still access all the sites.

Besides, most of them are the same anyway, always showing only 404 and the like.

Find out if Cambridge Analytica has access to your data...

But first, fill out this personality & psychological profile quiz to find out...

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

Why do so many redditors claim to be someone they're not when their entire post history is so easily accessible?

As a trans mtf ex-cop who also lost my arm in Afghanistan and whose husband just left me for some woman who is dying of cancer, I find it incredibly insulting. I've been through so much to make where I am right now. (I was abandoned as an infant in Russia in 1962. I grew up on the streets and when I...

Why can’t early access developers ever have children?

They can never finish.

What did the US say to the EU?

451 Unavailable

We recognize you are attempting to access this website from a country belonging to the European Economic Area (EEA) including the EU which enforces the general data protection regulation(GDPR) and therefore access cannot be granted at this time.

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

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"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

Electronic Arts, the games company, have had their lawyers in court stating that:

”There not loot boxes in our games, there surprise mechanics”.

Yeah right, that's like saying:

”It's not paedophilia its early access”.

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Counterstrike is actually the most progressive game

Because the terrorists get equal access to weapons and stand a chance of winning

Looks like I'm going away for a while without internet access

tell my wifi love her.

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Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

I know this guy who teaches people how to access the Dark Web, but if they're incompetent then he physically and psychologically abuses them

He's a Tor mentor.

I love my wife.

She just surprised me with a all-inclusive vacation to the Dominican Republic, and full access to the mini-bar! She even just got me a million dollar life insurance policy.

Hell Yeah!

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you; you have my Word. You’ve taken my one only good Outlook in life. Seriously though, how did you gain Access & why did you only leave OneNote?

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

The Russian government must be very rich

I read that you get blazing fast, uncensored, unlimited access across all of Russia to the Internyet.

What's a priest's favorite type of video game?

Early-access

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Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A doctor has a friend, who one day admits he has recently become a vampire...

Having been friends since childhood, the doctor does not immediately dismiss the vampire. Instead, he offers to help.

“I have access to the blood bank at the hospital. If I fudge a few numbers I can sneak some out to help keep you fed, without hurting anyone”

The vampire thanks him an...

Did you know some can talk to a food and it becomes salted

They just need to be 10 year olds that play fortnite and have access to their mum’s credit card

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

79 million people are without access to drinkable water

Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

The impossible wish

A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, “Great. So I want:   1. Lifelong access to any cinema,   2. I want to be 10 years younger and   3. I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first became an Ancap.....

>When I first became an Ancap, I was just an unemployed high schooler who had never worked a labor job in his entire life. I had that whole "welfare recipients are parasites, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, forcing people to subsidize your shitty life choices is morally wrong, nobody is...

I think I'm starting to see why it's a bad idea to give Trump access to nuclear launch codes...

He'll just fire them

What does EA truly stand for?

Early Access because all of their games are rushed and unfinished.

Forgot Password?

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.


Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up thei...

A Manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar

A manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar, full of bright ideas and cheerfulness. He calls a meeting of all of his employees and announces that his office door will be open, and he will be easily accessible for the rest of the week, and if there is ANYTHING an employee needs, now is the time t...

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

You need your parents permission to access the site...

A black guys walks into a bank...

... says "I'm looking for a job!"

The bank manager says, "Well, you're in luck! We have a position opening tomorrow that pays $48,000 a year and has access to a free car!"


The black guy says "You're joking."


The bank manager says "Well, you started it!"

A 100 married men go to hell

Here they meet the devil who gives them an option, either stand in the left row which grants them access to heaven.

Or stand in the right row where eternal torture awaits.

However, you can not stand in the left row if your wife was the boss in the relationship.

After a swift shu...

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Why do black people have horrible sense of humour?

They do not have access to Dad Jokes.

I tried to sue the Devil for cruel and unusual punishment

but I lost because, naturally, he had access to the best lawyers in the world.

A guy walks in to an appliance store

And the salesman immediately approaches him saying:

"Sir, would you be interested in a 4K Super smart tv with a voice remote, connection to youtube,netflix and social sites and instant access to thousands of channels around the world"

"Okay... For how much?"

"ONLY 5 dollars" - S...

Communists must love Tsunamis.

They take the homes of the wealthy and give poor people access to the beachfront.

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A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead visit an old wishing well.

"What are you going to wish for?" the blonde asks the other two.

The brunette and the redhead ponder for a minute, rather ashamed that they didn't think of something beforehand. The redhead looks around for inspiration. When her gaze lingers on the well, she makes up her mind. She fishes a co...

A porcupine walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender nods, and asks him for his ID. “But why?” Asked the porcupine

“It’s the law.” The bartender responded. “But why?” The porcupine asked again. “To keep children from being able to access alcohol.” The bartender responded, growing impatient with the porcupine. “But why?” The porcupine asked again. Annoyed, the bartender threw up his hands. “Why are you asking so ...

A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for ...

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