Telephone Jokes - 93 Hilarious Telephone Jokes

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right...

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone...

He saw he had 10 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

A team of Swedes and a team of Norwegians are hired one day to put up telephone polls...

Their manager explains to them how to drive the poles into the ground, and leaves them to their work while he goes off to attend to other business. At the end of the day, he comes back to see what progress has been made. First, he sees that the Norwegian team has put up 15 poles.

"For a job w...

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

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A young private is on sentry duty one night in the guardhouse when the telephone rings

"ARE THERE MANY CARS ON THE OFFICER'S CAR PARK?" a voice bellows down the line?

The private looks at the car park and replies "Only that fat bastard General Jackson's car"

"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?" the voice shouts. "THIS IS GENERAL JACKSON!"

"And do you know who you'...

why did the crow land on the telephone pole?

He wanted to make a long distance caw

Three men applied to put up telephone poles.

The foreman sent them each out with a truck and 20 poles, telling them to come back after 8 hours.

The first man returns and says "I put up 12 poles."

The second man returns and says "I put up 15 poles."

The third man returns and says "I put up 3 poles."

"Three?" asks the...

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring

Steve, Bruce and Jed are working on a telephone tower, when Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Telephone

The boss pops his head out of his office and asks the secretary: “What’s up with all the shouting?”

“It’s the sales manager talking to the London office,” she explains.

“Why doesn’t he use the phone?”

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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Women are like telephones.

They love to be held.

They love to be talked to.

But, if you press the wrong button, you're disconnected.

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

What did the Older Telephone said to the Younger Telephone?

You're too young to be engaged

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My god. What's the good news?"

The...

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My wife wanted to have sex over the telephone.

I told her that the bed might be easier, though.

Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone.

Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.

a telephone call

A wife answers the phone.
Husband to wife: "How come you talked only 15 minutes?"
Wife: "It was wrong number."

I was talking to a coworker about how I remember using a rotary telephone. She said "Wow. You're dating yourself."

I looked down at my hand and replied "No. We're just friends with benefits.".

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The telephone at the antarctic research station is ringing.

A male voice on the other end of the line:

"Are their five-foot penguins?"

"No."

"Fuck. Then I just ran over a nun.

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A frog telephones a psychic hotline

and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

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Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

Why don't chickens own telephones?

They're afraid someone might wring them.

I’m really good at my new telephone job...

I think I’ve found my calling.

A salesman telephoned a household

and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She's not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

Th...

There were 3 crews that worked for a telephone pole company. A German crew, a Norwegian crew, and a Swedish crew.

The foreman told each crew to put in telephone poles for the day and left. At 5:00 PM he came back and asked each crew how many poles they put in.

The German crew tells him they put in 9 poles today.
"Good job, head on home" the foreman tells them.

The Norwegian crew tells him they ...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call.

Moments later, he learned his auto warranty had expired.

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand , is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut ...

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The second telephone.

What is a telephone's favorite color?

Green green, green green

Why'd they take all the telephones out of China?

Too many people calling the Wong number

What kind of trees are telephone poles made from?

Tall ones

Overheard from an old man at McDonald's

A crow sits on a telephone pole, doing nothing - looking stupid

A crow is sitting on a telephone pole when his mate, another crow arrives.

Crow#2 asks his friend: "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"

Crow#1: "Nothing really, just sitting here and looking stupid"

Crow#2: "Sounds cool, I wanna try that, too!"

An hour later a 3rd crow arrive...

A telephone company is hiring for a position digging holes for telephone poles.

Two applicants, Bob and George, come forward. They both are well qualified for the position, so the hiring manager devises a competition to see who will get the job. He says "Whoever digs the most holes with a telephone pole in it will get the job." At the end of the day, the manager asks how many t...

I once tried to get a job as a telephone operator...

...I sort of phoned in the interview though and the HR department didn’t think it was my true calling so I’ve put those plans on hold for now.

Telephone - Funny Joke

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

What do you call a sad cantaloupe in a telephone booth?

Melon call ya

Three guys go into an interview at the local telephone company

Three guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm go...

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What do you call a telephone pole shoved deep into a rectum?

A shit post.

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Cheating

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

I keep trying to fish for telephones

**but they keep ringing off the hook**

My mom asked me if I could come to the telephone.

I guess, “Maybe if it were set to vibrate.” was the wrong answer.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.

After a wh...

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
...

So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

What does answering a colorful telephone sound like?

Green green.. yellow?

If you see a flyer on a telephone poll, don't take one of the phome numbers off of it.

It's surely a rip-off.

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

The telephone rings, and the little boy answers it.

"Are your Mom or Dad home?" asks the lady at the other end of the line.

"They was in earlier, but now they is out," replied the little boy.

"My," said the lady. "Where's your grammar!"

The boy replied, "She's upstairs napping."

Phones

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the w...

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I always loved to play the game 'telephone' at parties.

I love to fuck with everyone by changing the sentence or phrase completely to confuse every body. They never could figure out how we got from "what a beautiful day to do nothing" to "mission report, December 16, 1991"

Why did the burger sit beside the telephone?

Incase onion rings

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

Telephone Poles

Bell needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for Fort McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Newfoundland and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new ro...

My mother used to beat me with a telephone

I was always on the receiving end.

Fisherman wants new radio telephone call sign for his boat.

He calls the telephone company and asks for a new call sign.

The operator says sure you can have a new one, but can you tell me why you want a new one?

"How would you like it if every time someone asked for your call sign, you had to say '4Q'?"

Did you see the joke on Reddit about fixing the telephone pole?

It was a repost

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A woman was having sex with her husband's best friend when the telephone rang

And her husband's cell phone number appeared on the caller ID.

As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry

"Relax," she said after she hung up the phone.

he was just calling to tell me that he'll be home late because he's out bowling with ...

What is the climax to a telephone receptionist who is on cocaine ?

A second line

I saw people putting notes at the bottom of a telephone pole. I asked them what they were doing and one person said:

"We are putting comments under this post."

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the man said and hung up.

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What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

A ten foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

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Yesterday my SON e-mailed me asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around playing on my computer is not a good thing? I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.

He said he was "only thinking of me", he said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the men. ...

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Miss Davies wants to teach her class about Hearsay, so they enact a game of "Telephone"

She arranges the students in a circle and turns to her first student, Peter. She whispers "The box jellyfish has 24 eyes, and a lifespan of less than one year" to Peter and tells him to pass the message on. As she watched the message being passed on, she noted the subtle look of enlightenment in eac...

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

Wrong Number

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new
position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon an...

What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone!

a joke thats originally in arabic, but I think translates well.

3 men are smoking weed when the cops show up. Panicked, one hides undrneath a car, the other climbs up a telephone pole, and the last hides under a donkey.

The cops find the first guy and ask him if he was smoking weed, and he replies "im just a mechanic, and havent smoked a day in my life" s...

Trump is banning telephone calls to and from the middle east

I can't believe our president created the teleban!

A worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" she said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the woman on the phone, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and...

"If there are 10 birds on a telephone wire and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Little Johnny excitedly raises his hand and the teacher picks on him.

"There would be none left because if you shoot one then the rest fly away!"

Ms. Teacher responds, "No Johnny, the correct answer is nine birds left, *but I like the way you think!*"

Little Johnny retorts with,...

This is the first joke I wrote by myself, feedback appreciated

A man came back home to his wife after a long business journey. After a happy reunion, their parrot suddenly started talking out of nowhere.

"Yes, put it in that hole!" it squawked loudly with a female voice.

"What the hell?" said the man. "Where did the parrot learn that?"

"No,...

Daddy, what's it like being drunk?

A little girl goes up to her dad and asks "Daddy, what does it feel like being drunk?" "Well," the father replies "You see those 2 telephone poles over there in the distance?" he says, pointing in the direction of the poles. "A drunk person would see 4 telephone poles there." The little girl, confus...

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Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons

where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave ...

Singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear'

Who wrote telephone hold music.

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Funny ‘wrong’ punchline

When I was younger the phone company, had a slogan/jingle “ reach out, reach out and touch someone”

The Joke going around was… what do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?

Answer: a 35 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

When I asked my girl ...

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

To attract this man's attention, the lawyer picks up his phone and pretends to be on the phone with a client

The Lawyer: (On the phone) yes, sir, yeah....I told you I never lost a case in my career. Yeah, sure, why no...

An American photographer on vacation.

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The ...

My friend works for the telephone company, repairing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser energy can cause permanent eye injury.

He said he would look into it.

The boss!

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ''How much is the yellow one?''
The assistant says, ''$2000.'' The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains,...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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one of grandpa's old classics

It's easier to shove a wet noodle up a wild cats ass in a telephone booth than it is to mess with me

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

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