Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

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What’s the worst thing a phone sex operator can get?

Hearing Aids

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

My girlfriend said “Hey, unlock your phone, I need to see something...”

And I said, “I don’t even let my wife go through my phone. Why don’t you trust me?”

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

A man and his wife are on the phone while the husband is driving home

Wife: be careful! It says on the news there’s someone driving the wrong way on the road!

Husband: it’s worse than that! There are hundreds of them!

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I got angry when my phone battery died.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

How did the Aussie tell his brother that his Dad phoned

Boomerang Bro.

My dad called me earlier on the phone...

A boomerang.

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Woman phones pharmacy... ' Hello my husband needs something to keep his d**k up'

Pharmacist 'sounds like he needs viagra, it will keep him long and hard for hours'

Woman 'can you get it over the counter?'

Pharmacist ' if I took 4 or 5 I might......'

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Paddy phones Ryanair to book a flight:

Operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?

Paddy replies, "How the fuck do I know?, It's your plane!

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A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

“Who was that?” asks his wife.
“Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

Got a new phone today.

My old one failed the swimming test.

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me.....

I was on the phone with a United rep booking my flight.

They asked, "Window or aisle?"

After a moment, I replied, "Or you'll what?"

The phone rings....

A man answers: "Hello?"


"*cough, cough, achoo*"


"Who is this?"


"*cough, achoo, cough, cough*"


The man slams down the phone. "Damn cold calls."

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I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.



So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

Did you hear about the phone that lost power after hitting someone?

He was charged with battery.

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I hate autocorrect on my phone......

It just text my mate,

"Fancy going for a wank, down the canal?"

It was supposed to say river.

I saw a sign while driving saying ”put your phone down and drive” and it was right of course

it is a lot easier to text while looking down.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

I asked my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper, she laughed at me and said "oh uncle , you're so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the fly.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

I went to an Apple Store and set up alarms on all of the phones. What is the name of the movie?

Lord of the rings

A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Sorry boss I will not be in to work today, I have a wee cough, Boss replies you have a wee cough?: Scotsman says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

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Why do horny Vegans prefer phone sex?

It's the meet-free option.

David, a senior citizen, was driving along the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful.'
'Hell,' said David, 'It's not just one - there are dozens of them!'

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad

Dad: How's your life going son?

Son: It's going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.

Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.,

So...

How does a phone get drunk?

It takes screenshots

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I dated an emotionally-inhibited woman who tried to become a phone sex worker

She had a lot of hangups.

"Hey, I'm calling you on the freeway from my new phone."

"Be careful. They just said on the radio that there's one nut driving on the wrong side of the freeway."

"ONE nut?! Hell, there's HUNDREDS of them!"

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What's the difference between a transsexual's giveaway and a message left on a phone?

One is a voicemail.



The other is a male voice.

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

What did the phone say to his friend before his battery ran out?

“Tell my wifilove her.”

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

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*Phone sex with a blind girl*

"What are you wearing?"

Girl: I don't know.

The 10 minutes I spend on my phone before I sleep

Are the best 3 hours of my day

I think my phone is haunted.

Everyone i message keeps on ghosting me.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

My phone is at 1%

So im going to make this qu-

Make your Wife your phone wallpaper

when you feel down and having a hard time, look at your phone and remind yourself...

If you can overcome this, I can overcome everything.

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

I was on the phone with my wife

"I'm nearly home dear, can you put the kettle on for me?"

After 30 seconds of silence, I said "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" she replied, "I don't think the kettle wants to talk to you right now"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Nsfw) My girlfriend asked me why I always take my phone with me to the bathroom.

I told her it’s because I can get more shit done.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

I asked my dad for a smart phone...

But he got me an iPhone instead

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The phone rings and little Billy picks it up

A deep voice says to him ... go up the stairs, into your sister's room and kill her. A short time later billy comes back, I made, he says. Now go to your parents room and kill them too. Billy comes back later and says, too, I did. Now bring everyone out to the garden and throw them in the pool. We h...

What do a dog and a phone have in common?

They both have collar ID.

What is Roger Federer's favorite phone

The IPhone 10 s

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied: “Shingles.”

So she wrote down his name, address and phone number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse came out and asked the man what he had. The man said: “Shingles!"

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room....

My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair...

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Wife phones her Husband.

Honey, be careful on the Highway, Sky News have said that there is an idiot driving the wrong way and other drivers are having to swerve to miss him. He replied.

One? there are fucking hundreds:

Years ago, the idea of "sitting at home staring at your phone" would have sounded sad and pathetic.

Now it just sounds kind of sad and pathetic.

My, how times have changed.

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.

“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

Phone rings. Poet friend. He asks, "Do you ever get shooting pains like someone's got a voodoo doll of you they're stabbing with a long needle agan and again?"

"No," I reply.

Long pause.

Sounding concerned, he says, "How about now?"

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If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.

Was at a “Capital One Cafe” and asked the waitress for her phone number.

Oh NOW they start guarding personal data.

I'm so tired of my phone carrier...

I had the Wi-Fi hotspot on and I was connected from my laptop, the signal was awful and I ran out of data

I tell you what, I'm at the end of my tether...

I went to jail for plugging in my phone

It was a battery charge.

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I found a phone in the toilet stall

I found a phone in the toilet stall at work...

I guess I'm not the only one who leaves shit in the bathroom.

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

My blonde friend Charlene phones me up to ask for help with her jigsaw puzzle

I said "Surely, you can manage a simple jigsaw puzzle without needing help?"
She said "No honesty, it's really hard. The pieces are quite similar. I've been working on it night and day for a week and I've got nowhere"
I said "what's the picture of?"
"She said "It's a cartoon chicken."
I ...

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What do you call someone who’s never had phone sex

Virgin mobile

Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

To the person who lost their iPhone 11...

Please stop calling my new phone.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

Today I went to the bathroom without my phone.

There are 124 tiles in my bathroom.

How did a phone survived 500m fall?

It was on airplane mode.

Why does Brenda not call me back when I call her on the phone?

Cause my name's not "Back."

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I quite like phone sex...

I quite like phone sex, but it's hard getting the phone out afterwards.

What's it called when one of your parents is browsing on their phone?

The Elder Scrolls

I was busy talking to this guy who was a fake phone enthusiast

Turns out he was a big phoney

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

My phones been on 1% for the last 2 hours

I dont know when its going t

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

[insert phone ringing sounds]

Boss: why aren’t you picking it up?????

Me: I always answer on the 3rd call. Makes me cooler.

Boss: PICK IT UP

Me: fine [picks up phone] 911, what’s you emergency?

A Male kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a scotch and starts talking about the good old days when nobody was on their phones, when video games were for the rich, and the ozone layer was whole.

“Ok boomer”

I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a newly immigrated Asian lady for a phone number.

She replied "Sex free sex, free sex tonight"
Took me a minute to realize she meant "636-3629"

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs, honorable Sir", replied the village leader.


"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor."


On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not to worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the ...

Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

It's time to make a stand.

I thought my phone was broken as it keeps referring to me as Shirley.

Then I realised it was in Aeroplane mode

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NFSW] 2 dudes were chatting on the phone

The first one types

"DUDE I WAS WATCHING PORN AND MY GF ENTERED THROUGH THE DOOR"

The second one asks

"What is the problem?"

The first one responds

"SHE ENTERED THROUGH THE DOOR IN THE VIDEO"

Every time my wife gets her hair dyed, she records it on her phone.

I think she watches the highlights later.

I got a new phone free of charge from apple!

It took over an hour to charge!

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