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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

My father told me, "Work until your bank account look like a phone number."...

My available balance is $9.11.

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent...

My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent... And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out... I told her..."give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and ...

Normally I go out on a Tuesday evening, but for once I was at home and the phone went at about 7pm

I picked it up, listened for a few moments, then said "Why are you asking me? You can get the weather off the Internet easily enough!" and I put the phone down kinda crossly.

"What was that?" my wife asked.

I shrugged. "No idea. Just some dumbass wanting to know if the coast was clear....

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy and you can't imagine how happy I felt..

..when I saw him put his gun back in his pocket.

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

If my phone's clock is right...

I just lasted 1 hour 45 seconds in bed

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

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My wife told me not to answer the phone during sex

I said “but what if it’s you calling”

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a homeless guy!

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

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What’s the best way to answer the phone during sex?

I cant talk now. I’m going into a tunnel.

How do Europeans charge their phones?

With EUB cables

I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.



"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”

Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

A phone has 8 numbers on it's keypad

When you press 1 it plays a D flat, when you press 2 it plays an E flat, 3 an F, 4 a G Flat, 5 an A Flat, 6 a B flat, 7 a C and 8 a D Flat. This is a dial tonic scale.

Donald Trump had a secret phone meeting with Vladimir Putin.

At the end of the call, Trump said to Putin, “Vlad, tell me something. How do you know if the people you work with are smart and trustworthy?”

Putin said, “It’s easy Don. I bring them into my office in the Kremlin, I sit them down, and I ask them one question. If they get it right, they stay....

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

What do condoms and phone cameras have in common?

They both capture the moment!

What do you call a fake phone?

A phony

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I recently installed a phone in my bathroom.

Now I can shit-talk my friends.

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A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings...

The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'

Be careful, I just received a scam phone call saying I had won tickets to see a tribute act for Elvis Presley or £20,000. Cash.

It said press one for the money. Or two for the show.

I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut..

i think she's planning to watch the highlights later..

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My wife and I were watching

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phon...

What is the fastest cell phone service provider?

Sprint.

I'll see myself out.

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Just renewed my car insurance over the phone, and as I was about to hang up the lass on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "I've got a dog."

She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "Fuck off, he can't fucking drive!"

What do Germans call the new samsung phone?

Zee flip.

I hate people who phone me up complaining about the state of the weather..

That's why i lost my job with the mountain rescue team..

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Putin's phone rings...

Hello?

Vladimir Vladimirovich, is it true, all the government has resigned?

Yes, it is true.

Vladimir Vladimirovich, does that mean I need to resign, too?

Not yet. You keep your job for now. I'll keep you posted.

Thank you, Vladimir Vladimirovich!

No problem...

The phone rings at KGB headquarters

“Hello?”


“Hello, is this KGB?”


“Yes. What do you want?”


“I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood.”


“This will be noted.”


Next day, the KGB goons come over to ...

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What do cell phone settings and anal bleaching have in common?

Both change your ring tone.

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

A lonely man to his phone

"Siri" ,why am I still single?!” *Siri activates front camera.*

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

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1942. Two Nazi generals are at their headquarters, when suddenly the Red Phone rings.

The red line is reserved for Hitler himself, so they both know who's calling. Their faces turn pale, they look at each other with fear in their eyes. Finally one of them picks up the phone, puts it to his ear and listens. He says:

"Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhrer. Yes, my Fuhre...

I got a great deal on my phone bill by switching to Sprint

When the bill comes, I Sprint

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I got a macro lens for my phone camera.

Now I can send dick picks.

What do you call it when an old person phones you back?

Boomerang

The phone at a local bar started to ring

“Hello?” The bartender asked.

“Hi I’m looking for someone. Last name King, first name Joe?” The mysterious voice asked.

The bartender started to remember the mischievous pranks on TV that started like this. Angry, he started to go off, “Oh, so you think you’re funny, huh? You joking ar...

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I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

I just got off the phone with Sea World...

They said my call may be used for training porpoises

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If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

I told Sam not to sing on his phone...

But Samsung anyway :/

We shouldn't worry about our phones and TVs spying on us.

However, our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years now.

A male kangaroo told me to get off my phone

Ok boomer

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"This dog in the park just snapped at one of our kids," yelled my wife over the phone. "The little shit!"

I said, "Well, at least he didn't get the nice one."

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

Google Pixel phones will soon come with its own proprietary mobile hot spot service that is currentlyin Alpha.

Much like their other services, Gmail and Gmaps, It is called Gspot, but phones are having a difficult time finding it.

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What’s the worst thing a phone sex operator can get?

Hearing Aids

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

A 9-1-1 operator in the deep South picks up the phone

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?"

"Oh my God, it's my wife - she done been gored by a hog, she's bleedin' some real bad! Send help!"

"Calm down sir, and tell me where you are"

"I'm at 560 Eucalyptus Drive"

"Can you spell that for me, sir?"

"U... er... E, U... er... ...

I deleted all of my German friends from my phone book

It’s now Hans free

What do cell phones order at dinner?

Apps.

Beat your kids with a phone book.

They won’t even know what hit them!

My wife asked me to sync her phone

so I threw it into the ocean.

I don't know why she's mad at me.

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have no cellphone reception ...

Found out my phone unlocks when I say "bukkake".

I have facial recognition turned on.

My girlfriend said “Hey, unlock your phone, I need to see something...”

And I said, “I don’t even let my wife go through my phone. Why don’t you trust me?”

How do you phone the maternity department at Newcastle hospital?

Dial 8

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

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I hate that my wife is always on the phone during sex.

She really needs to stop texting me at work.

A woman in the maternity ward was paging through a phone book for hours

A nurse noticed this and asked if she needed some help finding a business.
The woman replied "Oh, no! I'm just looking for a name for my baby!"
The nurse explains "But we have books full of first names for babies and what they mean."
The woman says "No, I already have a first name for...

A 911 operator answers the phone and a man answers.

911- "911, what's your emergency?"

Man-"Yes, there are 2 girls fighting over me right now."

911- "Sir, I don't see how this qualifies as an emergency"

Man- "The ugly one is winning"

A man and his wife are on the phone while the husband is driving home

Wife: be careful! It says on the news there’s someone driving the wrong way on the road!

Husband: it’s worse than that! There are hundreds of them!

I spent five dollars for a weather app on my phone....

I got two dollars and fifteen cents back in climate change.

I had a phone interview today and someone told me "to just be myself”

so I didn't answer the call.

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A Blonde Phone Call to Mom

Hi Mom, it's me.
"Hi Sally, are you okay?
I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Oh, I punch...

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I hate phone sex

Once the phone is in, you can't even hear what the other person is saying.

I named my broken phone "ok boomer". Last night, someone from Sydney called. I was surprised:

Ok boomer rang

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

Storm Ciara

I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?"

Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley"

Realised my phone was in Airplane mode

A man decides to buy a parrot

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.

The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000."

Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high pri...

A lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant

Like my name, phone number, address...

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I got angry when my phone battery died.

My therapist suggested I find an outlet.

My dad called me earlier on the phone...

A boomerang.

How come Chinese people don't have phone books?

They have so many Wing's and Wong's, they're afraid somebody might Wing the Wong number.

Sorry if it's a repost. I heard it on the Disney channel roughly 20 years ago. I'll never forget that one!

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

How did the Aussie tell his brother that his Dad phoned

Boomerang Bro.

How do you know your phone has a full battery in the Star Wars universe?

Chargar Blinks

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I phoned my boss on his day off.

"We've got a power problem," I told him.

"Describe it to me..." he continued.

I said, "Everybody thinks you're a dickhead."

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Paddy phones Ryanair to book a flight:

Operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?

Paddy replies, "How the fuck do I know?, It's your plane!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.



So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

I just read through an old phone book to pass the time.

Lots of characters, but not much of a plot.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I was on the phone with a United rep booking my flight.

They asked, "Window or aisle?"

After a moment, I replied, "Or you'll what?"

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Two archeologists are taking a piss

Two archeologists are out taking a piss in a remote area when a snake hidden in the grass bites the first one on the tip of his cock.

Archeologist 1 : I got bitten on the tip of my cock by a snake with yellow and blue rings

Archeologist 2 : that sounds pretty bad and there is no hospit...

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage...

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

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Bud and the Politician

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

Does anyone have Debbie Harry's phone number?

I was told that I could call her any time, day or night.

Got a new phone today.

My old one failed the swimming test.

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Why do horny Vegans prefer phone sex?

It's the meet-free option.

A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Sorry boss I will not be in to work today, I have a wee cough, Boss replies you have a wee cough?: Scotsman says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

My girlfriend and I don't have a vibrator, but she'd love to use one in the bedroom.

I'm posting this from my iPhone, so if you guys wanna actually pleasure a woman for once, drop a comment or two.

An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad

Dad: How's your life going son?

Son: It's going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.

Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.,

So...

The phone rings....

A man answers: "Hello?"


"*cough, cough, achoo*"


"Who is this?"


"*cough, achoo, cough, cough*"


The man slams down the phone. "Damn cold calls."

Tinder is like being on a bus.

Everyone is on their phones, but no one is talking.

I watched the rugby on my phone.

It was a little trying.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

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I hate autocorrect on my phone......

It just text my mate,

"Fancy going for a wank, down the canal?"

It was supposed to say river.

The 10 minutes I spend on my phone before I sleep

Are the best 3 hours of my day

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

I saw a sign while driving saying ”put your phone down and drive” and it was right of course

it is a lot easier to text while looking down.

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