Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving.

I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the therapist after my phone died.

I just needed an outlet.

I was on the phone with my wife

"I'm nearly home dear, can you put the kettle on for me?"

After 30 seconds of silence, I said "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" she replied, "I don't think the kettle wants to talk to you right now"

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What STD do you get from phone sex?

Hearing AIDS

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

I just realized my phone unlocks whenever I say "Bukkake"

I guess I had facial recognition turned on

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a newly immigrated Asian lady for a phone number.

She replied "Sex free sex, free sex tonight"
Took me a minute to realize she meant "636-3629"

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

What do a dog and a phone have in common?

They both have collar ID.

I was busy talking to this guy who was a fake phone enthusiast

Turns out he was a big phoney

My phones been on 1% for the last 2 hours

I dont know when its going t

Phone rings. Poet friend. He asks, "Do you ever get shooting pains like someone's got a voodoo doll of you they're stabbing with a long needle agan and again?"

"No," I reply.

Long pause.

Sounding concerned, he says, "How about now?"

How did a phone survived 500m fall?

It was on airplane mode.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

Today I went to the bathroom without my phone.

There are 124 tiles in my bathroom.

I thought my phone was broken as it keeps referring to me as Shirley.

Then I realised it was in Aeroplane mode

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.

“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My phone always want to become the president whenever I forget to charge it overnight

Power hungry bastard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I quite like phone sex...

I quite like phone sex, but it's hard getting the phone out afterwards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NFSW] 2 dudes were chatting on the phone

The first one types

"DUDE I WAS WATCHING PORN AND MY GF ENTERED THROUGH THE DOOR"

The second one asks

"What is the problem?"

The first one responds

"SHE ENTERED THROUGH THE DOOR IN THE VIDEO"

I had a joke about erectile dysfunction saved on my phone...

but it's taking awhile to get up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: So... you told me on phone that you're dyslexic, right?

Me: Yes.

The rapist: Good. Get undressed now.

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

A butcher answers a phone call.

The caller asks:

- Do you have chicken legs?

- Yes.

- Do you have a pig head?

- Yes.

- Do you have cow ears?

- Yes.

- Do you have turkey wings?

- Yes.

The caller finally says:

- Damn, dude, you must look really crazy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

It's time to make a stand.

The phone number for the Anti Vax Society is 545-5437

Otherwise know as KIL-KIDS

No shirt no shoes no service

I've been lied to my entire life. I walked into 7-11 naked and my phone still worked just fine.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

The wife checked her husband's phone and found the following names.....

- The Tender one
- The Amazing one
- Lady of my Dreams

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his Mother. Then she called the second number to which his Sister replied.
When she dialed the third number, her own phone rang !!

She cried until her eyes ...

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

I deleted all the German people I know from my phone

Now it’s Hans-Free

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just dropped my mobile phone in a bowl of mayonnaise.

Fuckin hellman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

Treat your phone like you treat your child

With respect

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see."

I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

What's the difference between a commuter's phone and a 737 MAX?

The phone doesn't randomly lose Lyft completely while operating.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to an all new high in the number of people with STDs, I’m too scared to even have phone sex

Might get hearing aids

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

an anti vaxx kid is like my phone

it’s supposed to last longer but always dies at ten

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

What do you call a Hippopotamus in a phone booth?

Stuck....

Phones are like infants;

The more you drop them the slower they get.

Credit: u/IdStillSmash

I lost my phone so I decided to call it,

I keep getting a busy signal.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

A Scottish guy phones in sick to work.

Boss ask's what is wrong Jimmy? Jimmy replies I have a wee cough.

Boss says you have a wee cough? Jimmy says thank you Boss I was only going to take one day.

What does a plant say when picking up the phone?

“Aloe?”

My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”

She said, “I think the baby is coming”

Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it." About 20mins later he gets another call..." "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

A guy with a beard and hat rides by in a carriage while talking on the phone.

I guess he was only Am-ish.

How do you dry a wet phone?

You ring it out

One day we'll be able to put our thoughts from our brain into our phones.

Let that sync in.

The Phone Call

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked hitler how to turn off my phone

He said: Bro, use the auff switchz

There are only two phone numbers in China the wings and the wongs

So you might wing the wong number

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fun joke for the phone

Once bored with the conversation, ask the recipient to help you with a joke

Start off with "what has a small dick that hangs down?"

The typical answer "what??"

"A bat, you know, because it hangs upside down"

"Oh"

"What has a big dick that hangs up?'

"Huh?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phone call with Jeff.

Me: Hey Jeff, wanna here a joke?

Jeff: sure, fire away

Me: what has a tiny penis and hangs down

Jeff: What?

Me: A bat, what has a large penis and hangs up?

Jeff: What?

*click*

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

Two phones walk into a bar

Phone 1: Hey man you still having trouble with the WiFi?

Phone 2: Unfortunately. I just don't feel like she and I really connect anymore, you know?

Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!

Way fewer bars!!!

- Excuse me, is that your phone flashlight?

- Yes, why?
- I want another gynecologist.

A blonde is in bed with her lover when suddenly the phone rings.

She answers and has a short conversation with the caller. When the call ends, she turns to her lover and says: “That was Frank. He told me not to worry and not to stay up and wait for him tonight cause he’s playing cards with you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had an odd hunch that my brother would watch horror-themed clown porn in the park. So i bought a pair of binoculars with a 5280 feet capability, and used them to view his usual bench from afar. When he finally sat down and pulled out his phone, my suspicions were confirmed

I saw It cumming from a mile away

Why did no one like the phone’s jokes?

They were uncalled for.

Life and phone batteries are very similar

When their running low, it’s time to plug them into something or they’ll die.

An Old Man Gets An Urgent Phone Call From His Wife While Driving Home.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"

Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phones with 10x zoom are amazing

I would finally be able to send dick pics

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.



“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, and the phone rings ...

He jumps up, shouting: "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

I was talking to my dad about upgrading my phone the other day

And I wanted to get an iPhone and he wanted to get some Chinese brand I’ve never even heard of. We argued about this for hours and hours. And eventually I turned to him and simply said
“It’s either my way, or the Huawei.”

A girl and a boy who happens to be her friend were having a chat on phone..

Girl: Okay. Btw I have a question



Boy: Ask



Girl: What are we?



Boy: Mammals



Girl: No, I mean me and you who are we?



Boy: Two mammals

Folding phones are a great idea!

But on the flip side...

Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

A man phones a dental clinic to inquire about the price of removing a tooth

"Hello. How much is it to get a tooth removed", asks the man


"That'll be $700, it includes anesthetic, tooth extraction by myself, and assistance from a nurse", replies the dentist

"That's a bit much for me, how much if the nurse extracts it?"

"Well I guess we could do that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.

The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.

This carries on ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

I used my friends phone to call my girlfriend

when she picked up she said "hey babe," it was so cute how she recognized me without even talking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A phone call in a business trip...

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the pho...

An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

These Samsung Foldable phones seem to be breaking everywhere

They are breaking left right and centre

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

Why is Cricket called Cricket? (Phone company)

That's all the employees hear!

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

I was in a carpool to work when a Grindr notification went off on my phone...

The woman up front said “I know that sound, my husband plays that game all the time.”

I got a new cell phone for my wife...

Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

How does a bottle of glue named Ed answer the phone?

Ed here

What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone

A golden receiver!

Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.



Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"

Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"

Blonde 1:: "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."

\*After seeing the screenshot\*

Blonde 2: "Are you kidding me?"

Blonde 1:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

Answering the phone: Joe's Ho's

We pimp it!

You pump it!

Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving?

Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.

Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?

Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I closed Reddit, turned off my phone and stood up.

I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?

Because it has no home button.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who take phone calls while dropping a deuce...

...Are real shit-talkers.

An aussie phones an ambulance

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car....
**Aussie** : Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
**Operator** : What is your location sir?
**Aussie** : On Eucalyptus Street. ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.