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Phone Jokes

*Phone rings at work*

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's the emergency?

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

"You have a reminder set for 5pm today," my phone said.

"A reminder? What is it?" I asked.

"It's a notification to ensure you don't forget something, but that's not important right now," the phone replied.

Then I remembered I'd left it in Airplane mode.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s ok if your phone autocorrects “Fuck” to “Duck”

You’re still using Fowl Language.

My girlfriend is like an iPhone 7.

I wish I had an iPhone 7.

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

Phones

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the w...

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

There's iPod, iMac, iPhone...

and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor…

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor asking to speak to my husband.

I told him my husband wasn't home at the moment.

He called several more times, and again, my husband wasn't home.

Getting tired of his phone calls, I finally said to him to hang on a minute. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

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My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”


He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”


I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

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I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?

Because it has no home button.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings.

All of a sudden he jumps up and yells: "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

I just dropped my phone in the bath...

Now it's synching...

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"

She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phone calls and blowjobs are the same thing for me.

Im never on the receiving end

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

"Where are you?" she moaned.

"I'm at the pub," I replied.

She said, "I think the baby's coming!"

I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."

My wife was just in a minor accident. She's told the police that the man she hit was on his phone and drinking a Coke at the time

But they keep going on about how he can do what he wants in his own living room.

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but customer service told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request.....

The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway the rep. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?”

“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.”

Today I asked my phone

"Siri why am I still single?"

And it activated the front camera

Why did the phone go to jail?

It was charged with battery

What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

How is a toddler like a cell phone?

If you can't find it in three days it's probably dead.

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”

After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”

“Oh yes I do, he’s ups...

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A phone rings at the Robertson estate

A phone rings at the Robertson estate.
Hello?
Hi, I'd like to speak with Pat Robertson
Oh, sorry to inform you that he has passed.
Click.
Again the phone rings.
Hello?
(Obviously the same person): Hi, is Pat Robertson there?
I'm sorry to say he is no more.
Click.
Phon...

Why did the Dog not answer the phone?

Because of no collar ID

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Never have sex on the phone

You could get hearing AIDS

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold?

An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a cell phone and anal bleach have in common?

Both can change your ring tone.

Late at night a divorced man has a phone call from the police station.

They tell him that he should show up because his ex-wife was arrested. So the man goes to the police station and finds her ex-wife there with the police.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he says.

The police chief gestures to the ex-wife to explain it.

"Nothing," she says. "You know when we ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you think that your computer, laptop and phone spying on you is scary then think again,

Because your vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be careful of strange phone calls.

I just had a random guy phone me asking if I wanted to meet

up with him and compare dick sizes.

Fucking weirdo never showed up.

I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...

She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.

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‪A mobile phone is like a penis.‬

Fun to play with in private, but should never be pulled out at the dinner table..

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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I was having sex when I got a phone call from my friend saying there was an emergency

I told him I was coming as fast as I could

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

Doctor's phone rings.

Dad: Doctor!, Doctor!

We were watching soccer with a TV dinner.

I guess I wasn't looking, I nicked my son's wrist.

There's blood everywhere, I, I can't stop the bleeding,

.. wait, oh it's a mess..

Doctor: Don't panic, my nurse has called an ambulance.

What's...

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A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."

The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"

"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

Why can't a Samsung be disguised as an iPhone?

Because eventually, its cover would be blown.

What is Abraham Lincolns least favorite phone box?

John Wilkes Booth

So I phoned the drugs helpline and the voice on the phone said " For advice on cannabis"

Press 'hash'

I just got the new iPhone for my wife

All things considered a pretty good trade.

Why do thieves prefer to steal Android phones over iPhones?

Because they like to Hangout and not FaceTime.

You lost your phone and its on silent mode?

Too bad. If you like it then you should've put a ring on it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW, what do you call phone sex on an iPhone?

A Steve job.

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

One time I tried to marry my phone...

I wanted to make it my Wifi

And I felt a really strong connectio

I thought I saw all the right signals

Plus I really wanted to tap that

So I gave it a ring

Turns out it was already engaged

Besides, I wasn't its type

We would have been such a great we...

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.
Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
Ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street ....'
Operator: 'How do yo...

What do they call mobile phones in prison?

Cell phones.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?

Put it into airplane mode.

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.

"It’s Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope it’s not another emergency."

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, "Hi, what’s up?"

"Don’t worry, everything’s OK," replies Dr. Gold. "It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a little game...

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

They all have phones!

A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone.

"Can I speak to Mr. Green please?" A little voice at the other end asks.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the receptionist says, "Mr. Green died last week."

"Thank you." The little voice then hangs up.

The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, "May I speak to Mr. Green, p...

Today I gave an iPhone and $500 to a homeless guy.

You will never know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex...

... last night she called me from Chicago!

Cops smashed my phone.

Cops smashed my phone. Well it's my fault for having it on the dark mode.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put my phone under my pillow last night.

When I woke up it was gone and there was a $1 coin in it's place.

Fucking Bluetooth Fairy!

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men?

Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999

While flying to LA, a flight attendant offered me some free head phones

I asked her how she knew my name was Phones?

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

I phoned up my local take away and asked for a kebab.

I said: do you deliver? The guy said no, just lamb or chicken!

What does Julius Caesar mainly use his iPhone for?

CarPlay, DM

I just came on my phone’s screen and it didn’t unlock

So much for facial recognition

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.....

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad ...

What do you call a mobile phone company that doesn't like South Korean cars?

Nokia

I'll see myself it out

A meeting in Stalin's office during wartime. Suddenly, the phone rings.

Stalin takes it:

\- This is Comrade Stalin.

(Pause)

\- Ah, hello, Comrade Churchill.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)

\- Yes.

(Pause)

\- No.

(Pause)
<...

What do iPhones eat for breakfast?

Siri-al

(My 7 year old's joke)

Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An android phone and an iPhone meet after a year.

iPhone: What......the......fuck.....dude? You.....are.....infested.....with.....malware!! 


Android Phone: Fuckers don't update me. But what happened to you? Why are speaking with a lag? 


iPhone: Fuckers.....updated......me.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

Today I donated my watch, my phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You don’t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

I cut my phone bill in half!

It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.

"How is she?" I asked.

"Very critical," replied the officer.


"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

Friend asked to use my phone to call his mom..

Told him to just hit redial.

My mother was horrified when I told her on the phone that I was about to meet my maker.

Until I walked through her front door a few seconds later.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"

A wife decides to surprise her husband at the office one day, and finds him on the phone with his hot secretary perched on his lap.

The husband catches sight of his wife at the same time. Without missing a beat, he says into the phone, "And in conclusion, Gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I can't be expected to continue running this office with only one chair."

My wife’s like an iPhone

I can’t put jack in her anymore

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

A Scotsman phoned his boss:

Scotsman: Sorry boss I have a wee cough so I will not be in today.

Boss: You have a wee cough?

Scotsman: says OK Boss but I was only going to take today off....

What do you call when a Pirate updates their iPhone?

an iPatch.



Story:

I went to a Pirate dinner show and they were giving away bandanas and eyepatches and I thought of this joke.

Hate it, love it... I don't care :)

What do you call someone that saw an iPhone being stolen?

An iWitness.

I phoned my wife.

I said, "I've got something to tell you, but it's hard to say."

She said nervously "Go on."

I said. "Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog's Dead."

What's the difference between an American and a phone charger

One's USA, while the other is USB

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife on his phone, and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried Phone sex once.....

but the holes were too small...

I asked my son to go get me a phone book.

He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, "Who was that?" And his lovely wife replies, "I don't have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."

The Pope receives a phone call...

...and on the other side is Jesus. Jesus says that now is the time, the Second Coming is upon humanity, and that he is letting all his followers know about this, and he thought he should give the Pope, a devout follower, a call. Jesus also tells the Pope He has good news and bad news.

"What's...

I check my girl’s phone every day

I have to make sure she’s not talking to Pete Davidson

Dropped my phone in a load of mayo

What the Hellmann

What kind of phones do squids use?

CephaliPods

TIFU by ordering food from my phone.

So I used the Subway app to order my lunch. I was in a hurry, so no time to wait in line. I put the order together, paid for it, and made my way to pick it up.

When I told the guy my name for the order, he handed it over and thanked me for my business. I went to check the food to make sure h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife answer the phone during sex.

If she keeps this up I'm going to stop calling.

My dad advised me not to use my phone on the first date.

Imagine my frustration when she choked to death because I couldn't call an ambulance.

A man phones the house and the maid picks up the phone.

A man phones the house and the maid picks up the phone. He asks the maid where the wife is. She says the wife is in the bed with a man. After a long pause, the man gathers himself together asks the maid to do a favor for him and promises her $50,000. He asks her to go to his study room and to ge...

A man speaks frantically into the phone

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

My phone just replaced the word "killed" with "kilt."

Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.

Where I live, I have poor cell phone coverage. I also have to drive several miles to get decent food and shopping.

The struggle is rural.

What will happen to your iPhone under Communism?

There won't be any iPhones, but you will have an UsPhone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

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