This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

The Phone Call

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye....

A blonde recieve a phone call at work, after which she breaks down, crying in her office.

Upon noticing her condition, her boss come in to find out what had happened.
"What is the matter, why are you so sad about?", the concerned boss asks the crying woman.
"I just heard that my mother has passed away", the blonde manage to stutter between sobs.
"Oh you poor thing, I'm so sorry ...

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don’t try phone sex.

You might get hearing AIDS.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”

She said, “I think the baby is coming”

Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

Life and phone batteries are very similar

When their running low, it’s time to plug them into something or they’ll die.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

What's the difference between a phone, and myself?

People will actually care when their phone dies.

An Old Man Gets An Urgent Phone Call From His Wife While Driving Home.

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90. Please be careful!"

Herman replied, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fun joke for the phone

Once bored with the conversation, ask the recipient to help you with a joke

Start off with "what has a small dick that hangs down?"

The typical answer "what??"

"A bat, you know, because it hangs upside down"

"Oh"

"What has a big dick that hangs up?'

"Huh?"<...

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.

&#x200B;

“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

Folding phones are a great idea!

But on the flip side...

Why did no one like the phone’s jokes?

They were uncalled for.

A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attatched to her eye

He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.

The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.

This carries on ...

I was talking to my dad about upgrading my phone the other day

And I wanted to get an iPhone and he wanted to get some Chinese brand I’ve never even heard of. We argued about this for hours and hours. And eventually I turned to him and simply said
“It’s either my way, or the Huawei.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint, and the phone rings ...

He jumps up, shouting: "oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

These Samsung Foldable phones seem to be breaking everywhere

They are breaking left right and centre

I asked hitler how to turn off my phone

He said: Bro, use the auff switchz

What do you get when you cross a dog with a phone

A golden receiver!

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

Answering the phone: Joe's Ho's

We pimp it!

You pump it!

I used my friends phone to call my girlfriend

when she picked up she said "hey babe," it was so cute how she recognized me without even talking

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

An aussie phones an ambulance

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car....
**Aussie** : Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
**Operator** : What is your location sir?
**Aussie** : On Eucalyptus Street. ...

A couple are talking on the phone and they say:

"I'm nearly done, just doing my make-up"

"You don't need make-up honey"

"Aww thanks!"

"You need plastic surgery"

I got a new cell phone for my wife...

Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!

Why is Cricket called Cricket? (Phone company)

That's all the employees hear!

An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

A doctor on the phone to one of his patients and says the following...

... "I have some very bad news for you and some even worse. The lab called with your test results and said you have 24 hours to live."

And the patient replies, "Just 24 hours! That's terrible! What is the even worse news then?"

The doctor tells him, "I've been trying to reach you since...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang...

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best...

I had a argument with a friend recently. 5 days ago I super glued his phone to his hand.

He just can't let it go.

How does a bottle of glue named Ed answer the phone?

Ed here

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

Seeing all these drivers looking at their phones is so infuriating, how irresponsible can you be while driving?

Anytime I see one of them in traffic it totally kills my high.

Did you hear about the guy who left his phone charging overnight?

It overcharged, caught fire and burned the house down.

He was arrested on charges of battery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I closed Reddit, turned off my phone and stood up.

I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”

Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

I heard that your mom uses her weight as her phone's pin code.

Guess that's why Apple changed it from four digits to six.

The only thing that brings joy to me anymore is when I need to get up early and if I wake up in the night and check my phone and it's still 6 hours left to sleep.

Or not needing to get up early at all, now that I think about it.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone

It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy

You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People who take phone calls while dropping a deuce...

...Are real shit-talkers.

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

What does a corpse and a phone-booth have in common?

I don't need permission to come inside either.

Help! I think I broke my phone's speaker! All I did was convert my normal rap playlist into an emo rap playlist.

Now all I can hear is a Lil Peep.

Blonde dropped and cracked her phone screen.

&#x200B;

Blonde 1: "Hey, I dropped my phone and the screen is cracked. Will they be able to fix this?"

Blonde 2: "Is it that bad?"

Blonde 1:: "See for yourself. I'll send you a screen shot."

\*After seeing the screenshot\*

Blonde 2: "Are you kidding me?"
<...

Teenage girl on phone

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

I don’t think the relationship with my phone is working out

We have no connection outside the house

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was on the phone with late xxxtentacion...

My friends walked up to me and asked “what did jahseh?”

I've deleted all my German friends from my mobile phone.

It's now Hans-free.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My pay as you go phone

My friend was always taking the piss out of me when I got my pay as you go phone

“You’ve got a pay as you go phone, you’ve got a pay as you go phone”

I got really sick after a week of this, so I decided to take out a contract


Two days later the hitman got back to me to tell ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jenny’s Mother phones Johnny’s Mother in a rage..

“I need to talk to you about your son’s behaviour! I walked in on him and Jenny playing doctors and nurses earlier, I was shocked. “

“Well all kids experiment sexually, I’m sure it was perfectly innocent” Johnny’s Mother replies.

“Sex?? He was taking her fucking appendix out!!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today my phone wasn’t working

My son took it and went outside.

Me: How come you took my phone outside?

Son:You know how it’s daytime right now?

Me:Yeah?

Son:It’s a homophone dad.

I was in a carpool to work when a Grindr notification went off on my phone...

The woman up front said “I know that sound, my husband plays that game all the time.”

My proctogogist won't take my phone calls anymore.

I guess saying "What, no happy ending!" isn't proper exam room etiquette.

Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?

Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.

I don't get what's with all the hype about Samsung's new foldable phone.

Apple did it years ago with the iPhone 6.

I was having issues getting my phone audio to connect to my car stereo

So I changed the name of my device to "Titanic".

Now its syncing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've just overheard my wife talking to her friend on the phone.

"I can't wait for Monday night, it's going to be the best sex ever!"

What a silly cunt.
Clearly she's forgotten that I'm going away on a business trip.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I use to really like phone sex

But the phones just keep getting bigger and bigger

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

When I was in Africa, I decided to play a little pokemon go until a young black boy stole my phone and ran off with it.

Oh well,

Gotta catch Jemal!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?

Because it has no home button.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having anal with my girlfriend when the phone rang

Wife: Where are you?
Me: Um, in deep shit?

My iPhone screen went black but I can still hear my ringtone and answer phone calls

It's just an earPhone now.

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar

Please stop ringing my new phone.

I don't need pictures of my wife on my phone to remind me of her.

The screen has a massive crack in it.

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(nsfw, racism) i was waiting at the bus stop when i pulled out my phone, accidentally dropped a bunch of change...

Asian guy next to me says "Yeah!? Well fuck you too!!"

I asked a German girl for her phone number.

She told me it was 999-999-9999.

Phone troubleshooting

Recently had a phone for Christmas, a Pixel phone of which kept crashing. I tried everything, I tried to see if the protective casing was the issue, attempted to isolate the issue but to near no avail, I even sideloaded it with another version of android

Now I have found that the issue is tha...

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"E.T. phone FUCK, CUNT, PISS!!” -

E.T. the Extra-Tourettestrial....

Why does Goku hate Samsung phones?

They might blow up and kill him, just like the last cell he held onto.

Why can’t Jared Goff use the phone anymore?

Because he can’t find the receiver.

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

Day 12 without my phone

(on mobile, sorry for formatting issues)

I lost my phone 12 days ago and don't know where it is, please help.

Why did the phone need glasses?

Because it lost all its contacts

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

The phone Samsung released after the Note 7 was actually more explosive than it.

It was the Samsung Galaxy S8


p.s I know good jokes don't need explaining but this is an original lame joke. S8 is the chemical formula for Sulfur which is combustible

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

TIL that the majority of car companies make cell phones,

Except for Dodge, they just make Chargers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I lost my phone at a new years eve party

if you found it, that's not my penis in the pictures. I was just holding it for a friend

Puma has created a “smart shoe” that ties itself via an app on your phone.

Clever idea, but I feel devices like these lack sole.

If you're going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate...

By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

&#x200B;

That's all!

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

I got a new phone, and lost all my contacts.

Thank god.

Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

I threw my phone out the window. It fell and broke.

I am outraged. I distinctly remember putting it in flight mode first!

Lost your phone and it’s on silent?

Well, if you liked it you should’ve put a ring on it

A baby grabs his mom's phone and types "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

The mom reads it and says, "For crying out loud, use your voice"

I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear