This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

Nurse: “My phone just died.”

Doctor: “Let’s call it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when u have unprotected phone sex

Hearing aids

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend was mad because she found out that her contact name was “Bitch” on my phone.

Good thing she didn’t notice that it was “Bitch #3”.

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.

I must have left on Data Roman.

Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?

Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.

I was in a carpool to work when a Grindr notification went off on my phone...

The woman up front said “I know that sound, my husband plays that game all the time.”

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husb...

My iPhone screen went black but I can still hear my ringtone and answer phone calls

It's just an earPhone now.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It's still fowl language

Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar

Please stop ringing my new phone.

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

Why can’t Jared Goff use the phone anymore?

Because he can’t find the receiver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"E.T. phone FUCK, CUNT, PISS!!” -

E.T. the Extra-Tourettestrial....

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

Why does Goku hate Samsung phones?

They might blow up and kill him, just like the last cell he held onto.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(nsfw, racism) i was waiting at the bus stop when i pulled out my phone, accidentally dropped a bunch of change...

Asian guy next to me says "Yeah!? Well fuck you too!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan?

Because it has no home button.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets a phone call from his wife's doctor

Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.

Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?

Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

Puma has created a “smart shoe” that ties itself via an app on your phone.

Clever idea, but I feel devices like these lack sole.

Phone troubleshooting

Recently had a phone for Christmas, a Pixel phone of which kept crashing. I tried everything, I tried to see if the protective casing was the issue, attempted to isolate the issue but to near no avail, I even sideloaded it with another version of android

Now I have found that the issue is tha...

Day 12 without my phone

(on mobile, sorry for formatting issues)

I lost my phone 12 days ago and don't know where it is, please help.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I lost my phone at a new years eve party

if you found it, that's not my penis in the pictures. I was just holding it for a friend

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

I asked a German girl for her phone number.

She told me it was 999-999-9999.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were on the phone when the call suddenly cut out

I called her back and asked her if she was okay.
She said "Yeah, I'm fine. My call disconnected."


I said "that's a relief, I thought R.Kelly walked in and caught you on the phone."

Now she's pissed

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

A baby grabs his mom's phone and types "waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

The mom reads it and says, "For crying out loud, use your voice"

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

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Lauren Sanchez was having sex with Jeff Bezos when her cell phone rang.

After hanging up, she says, ''That was my husband Patrick, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

What kind of phones do turtles use

Shell-ular phones.

TIL that the majority of car companies make cell phones,

Except for Dodge, they just make Chargers.

Why are there no phones in China?

There’s so many wings and wongs you might wing the wong number

The phone rang, and the kidnapper says I have your wife.

Now, pay be $1 million or I'll give her back to you.

I got a new phone, and lost all my contacts.

Thank god.

A doctor contacts his patient, John, over the phone.

“I’ve got bad news and worse news, John.” He tells his patient grimly.

“Oh no! What is it?” John asks.

“Well, the bad news is that you have a day to live.”

“That’s awful! How can there be any worse news?”

“I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

If you're going shopping on Black Friday, please be considerate...

By turning your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

​

That's all!

Just donated my phone, watch, and the 500 dollars in my wallet to a homeless man

You won’t believe the happiness on his face as he put the gun away

Be careful out there, there is a scam going on where you receive a phone call saying that you have won Elvis tribute tickets or money, it then says.

Press one for the money or two for the show.

Several men are in the locker room.........

.......... of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in he room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found...

Lost your phone and it’s on silent?

Well, if you liked it you should’ve put a ring on it

I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.

Turns out I had phoned Dial-a-Llama.

i phone

Son: I want an iPhone X for Christmas


Dad: What's the magic word?


Son: Karen


Dad: Who's Karen.


Son: The woman that comes over when I'm asleep and mum is out...


Dad: ...


Son: ...


Dad: You want a case with that ...

I had a job answering the phone for people

It wasn’t for me

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans-free

"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone

What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

I don't get people who call it a first world problem when they can't charge their phones

African kids can't charge their phones either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With all the STD’s out here, I’m scared to even have phone sex.

Fuck around and I might get hearing aids.

A couple is making love. The phone rings.

The wife answers, “okay!” and hangs up, laughing.

- “Why are you laughing? Who was it?”
- “My husband. He said he will be late because he’s at a bar with you.”

I got this German girls phone number

She was being difficult about it but I eventually got it:

999 999 99 99

(Possible OC)

I actually had some good luck asking girls for their address instead of their phone number.

Some of them said "Good luck on that."

Just dropped my phone in mayo

What the helmann?

In the middle of the night, the phone rang

"What time does the library open, sir?", a man asks

"9 o'clock", answered the head of the library feeling upset for his sleep being disturbed

"Can you open it sooner, I wanna get out"

The phone company has been calling me everday threatening to to disconnect me if I don't pay my bill.

I'm glad they finally stopped calling.

Samsung Announces a Foldable Phone

weird flex but ok

An elderly man was driving down the highway when his phone rang.

It was his wife urgently warning him: “Honey, I just heard on the news that there’s some lunatic in a car going the wrong way on the highway. Please be careful!”

“It’s worse than that,” said the man, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint when his phone rings....

He jumps up, shouting, "Nuts! I forgot to feed the dog!"

my cell phone

I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

Cop: Sir, are you aware that your on your phone and speeding?

Me: Well Snapchat says that I’m only going 45.

Cop: Oh sorry sir have a nice day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mom: I called “daddy” on your phone

Daughter: and?

Mom: your father picked up. You fucking virgin.

What did the phone say to the cell tower?

Thank you for your service.

A woman is in the middle of intercourse when her phone rings. "That was my husband," she tells her partner after answering it.

"He said he's going to be late tonight because he's gone out drinking with you."

Almost every phone in the US got an emergency presidential alert today....

Unfortunately it was two years too late

How do you stop pro-life protesters from dropping their phones?

Stop roundhouse kicking them.

A man calls his home and his newly appointed butler picks up the phone...

Still a little nervous about his newly assigned duties, the butler answered nervously “Hello, who’s this?”

The man was a little frustrated with the butler’s lack of experience and so he replied impatiently “It’s your boss you idiot!”

Feeling guilty about not recognizing his own boss’s...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex without a condom is like a phone without a case

Not as safe but it just feels so good.

Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”

After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”

“Oh yes I do, he’s ups...

Friend: Bro, you have over 300 apps on your phone wtf?!?!?

Me: Yeah i have an appidemic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIO...

How does a phone get drunk

It takes screenshots

My daughter just cracked my new Iphone Xs screen, so I’m passing it back to a lucky commenter. Info below.

Girl, 7-year-old, can do basic math and alphabet, good at housework, overall a good child.

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

What noise does a chickens phone make?

Wing... wing...

What kind of music do phones like to listen to?

Symphonies.

A rotary phone asks his grandson how his first week at school was...

"Terrible! I don't think I'll ever be a smart phone!"

"And why is that?"

"They're really putting me through the ringer!"

It was a tough call to make, but the grandfather filled out an application and transferred him to another school over the hangup.

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah..." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

A man gets a phone call at work

Hello Mr Walkins, there’s been a terrible accident and your wife is in the hospital.

Oh my God the hospital?! What is it?

It’s a large building full of doctors, but that’s not important right now.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

My wife and I were sitting in our living room in silence looking at our phones...

We heard a cricket outside and she looked at me and said "I heard a cricket chirping, but you didn't tell a joke"

As a true American Patriot I always put phone numbers I want to ignore under the contact "Freedom"

Because I always let Freedom Ring.

I called my wife's phone using my best friend's phone. She answered with "Hey baby"...

She knew it was me before I even spoke. True love at it's finest.

It’s a great feeling when your phone learns that you swear ...

and eventually quits ducking up your words.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, “It’s for sound effects during sex.”

He asked, “Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?”

I replied, “No, I work in a morgue.”