A Therapist is complaining to his friend about not having any clients

His friend replies it may have something to do with putting his profession on the office door in such large font that it had to be broken into two words.

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.

"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just got fired for having sexual relations with my client

It's alright, I didn't like babysitting anyway.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is it called when a prostitute gets a new client?

Expanding her whore-izons

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

What did the client ask the conflicted, silent pimp?

“Penny for your thots?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

What did the client say to the server?

I GET you.

I’ve started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato

After their post case hookup; why did the lawyer never call his client back?

It was more of a hit it and acquit it situation

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

My Client Is Not Guilty.

Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny

Judge: What Do You Mean?

Lawyer: He's In A Cent.

A attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Paul, I have good news and bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $1-2 million. I think she could be right."

Paul...

The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

The lawyer looked at his rich client and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news,"

The client said, "well gee, I guess lets here the good news first."

So the lawyer said "You're wife has found a picture worth $10 million."

The client replied, "Oh that's fantastic! But whats the bad news?"

"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client?

All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

What does a marijuana shop owner call his clients?

Kushtomers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do central European sex traffickers tell their clients?

The Czech's in the mail.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An agent in New York is about to interview a new client.

He looks at the young actors resume. He has great experience, and great training. The young actors enters and he is charming, funny, and very talented. There is just one problem- his name is Penis Von Lesbian.

The agent says, "Look man, I would really love to represent you, I think you have a...

An Auditor was found sleeping with his client

He was guilty of inside her trading

A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "I would like to ask a few questions", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "But I have to charge you $200 to answer 2 questions" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" said the suprised client. "Yes it certainly is", said the lawyer...

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

I got transferred from work three times this year for letting my clients give me oral during checkups.

I’m starting to think that maybe a veterinarian career isn’t for me.

The Boss and The Client

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

-The client: is room 39 empty?

-The boss: yes, sir.

-The client: can I book it?

-The boss: of course you can.

-The client: thank you.


Before going to the roo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.

What does an amateur Mexican real estate agent say to his clients.?

Hey look, homes

What did the prostitute say to her client when they concluded their transaction?

"It was a business doing pleasure with you."

I’ll admit; my business plan of impersonating and running marathons on behalf of fee paying clients who want prestige without effort, is not going well.

But I’d still give you a run for your money.

A lawyer took a client who was charged with aggressively weaving objects to throw at people

He had a real basket case on his hands

I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...

Outlook not so good.

What was the deal the coffee-addict lawyer offered potential clients?

Grounds for divorce

Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...

A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.

Oops, wrong sub.

Why didn't the client tip the server?

Because they didn't have enough cache!

(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend of mine was recently accused of having sex with one of his clients...

As a result, he has been publicly humiliated, and is probably going to be indicted any day. On top of that, a wonderful marriage, not to mention years of schooling and training, wasted for a moment of weakness. It's such a shame, for he was truly a nice guy, and an absolutely gifted mortician.

What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?

Thanks for coming.

Mr. Marcus was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

What did the dyslexic booking agent tell his client?

Your flight is reversed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have had sex with SO many clients on the job

And my family said being a school teacher would suck!

TIFU By Mixing up my Client's Subway Order!

Whoops, wrong *sub*!

What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client?

"We stand behind our product"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is waiting at a cafe for a potential client...

when he looks over and sees Bill Gates reading the paper. He nervously approaches the billionaire and introduces himself.
"Hello Mr. Gates, my name is Peter, I'm a big fan of yours and if it's not too much trouble I'd like to ask a favor of you."
Bill Gates seems hesitant but asks the man...

A skydiving instructor was getting frustrated with his clients

Despite their initial willingness to sign up, all of them were now shaking, clutching their parachutes tightly, and looking down into the sky below. The man at the front of the line looked to be on the verge of tears. The instructor had been trying to get them to jump for the past twenty minutes, an...

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to...

An insurance agent who was talking to a prospective client

..at her home pointed to an exquisite vase on thesideboard and asked,"Do you keep anything in it?"

Yes, my husband's ashes,"came
the reply.

“I am sorry,” apologized the agent, “I did not know he was deceased.”

"He isn't-he is just too lazy to
hunt for an ashtray."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a male prostitute say when his phone keeps ringing after he's seen 3 clients in a row?

"FOUR FUCKS ACHE!!"

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

A banker tells his client that a £1,000,000 investment will turn into a ton of money!

So the the client asks "How much is a ton of money"

The banker responds "Two Thousand Pounds"

The Coffee Bean Trial.

There was a man who was being tried for tresspassing on a coffee plantation. He trampled dozens of pounds of coffee beans and plants on his way through. Looking at charges of tens of thousands of dollars, there was no way he could pay all of it, he would be ruined. As a last ditch effort, his lawyer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.<...

A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.

-shrugs- It wasn't hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

The lawyer called his client overseas...

..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."

EDITED to improve flow as suggested by /u/emilskoda

Lawyer goes to jail to confer with his client. Lawyer says: "Joe, I've got some good news and some bad news."

Lawyer: The bad news is that they did a DNA analysis of the blood found at the crime scene and you're going to charged with triple homicide.

Prisoner Joe: What's the good news?

Lawyer: Your cholesterol is down to 200.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer in Los Angeles helped make history last month

His client was a UPS driver accused of sexually harassing a woman while dropping off a package. He figured his best chance to win was to fill the jury with people who saw this behaviour as normal. So, he manipulated the process to fill the jury exclusively with male porn stars. It was the first time...

What do you call a fortune teller that always predicts happiness for her clients?

A hooker with a gimmick

I work with mentally disabled people. Today I tried to tell a client the Nacho Cheese joke.

"Hey, you have nachos! What do you call cheese that isn't yours?"



"Tasty!" -Holds up a-okay sign-



"...Well...you aren't wrong!"



Happy Valentine's Day everybody!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The old man at the IRS office

An 80 year old gets a summons from the IRS to appear at the offices to discuss large deposits coming into his accounts that don’t appear on his tax filings..

The old man is a bit nervous and he hires a lawyer to assist him...

He arrives Monday morning and goes into the interview room.....

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

Question from a Legal Ethics Law School Final Exam

A potential client comes into John's office and says he has been out of jail for 3 years and wants to check to make sure he is now officially off probation. John agrees to investigate. He tells the client it will cost him $100 if the matter can be handled with a simple phone call but he will have ...

A therapist is giving a statement after her client committed suicide.

"I only saw him once," she told the investigator.

"What did he talk about?"

"He said he felt lost in a crowd, totally unoriginal - just another putz. That everything he says and does is ordinary."

"What did you say to him?"

The therapist winced. "Umm, well...I kind of m...

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.

Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.

You know where to apply.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Square testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is alwa...

The Devil’s Offer

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in r...

Of course Goldman Sachs called their clients "muppets"

Some of them ended up living in garbage cans.

Sherlock Irritates Watson

A confirmed bachelor, Sherlock Holmes did not have a lack of admirers willing to satisfy all his carnal needs, but yet he chose to be single, which irritated Watson to no end. As a sidekick, Watson did not get to enjoy the constant fawning of young nubile flesh willing to submit to his every wish. O...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Studies show that prostitutes have higher levels of oxytocin than the average person.

Oxytocin is known to increase erotic vocalizations during sex. Scientists believe that this may be an adaptation to help with pleasing their clients.

It's a very powerful whore-moan.

A man is contacted by a lawyer

"I'm sorry to contact you out of the blue" the lawyer says. "I have to say this is one of the strangest requests I've ever had from a client. You see, I'm representing your biological mother. When she gave you up for adoption 30 years ago, this was her condition.

"I'm adopted?" The man asks...

There was a man named Reap that organized lavish parties.

Tremendous, ridiculously luxurious parties, with hundreds, if not thousands of guests and in return, he would receive exquisite gifts.

As his mother’s birthday was approaching, and Reap knew she was a huge fan of vintage cars, instead of the normal compensation, he requested, that for his ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dominatrix walks down the hallway of her brothel...

...into one of the many rooms. Inside, there's a man blindfolded, handcuffed, and chained to the floor. She walks up and slaps him as hard as she can and says, "Who's my little bitch?"

The man screams and yells, "What the fuck are doing?"

The mistress was confused, she'd been prepped f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dyslexic plumber had a bad day.

He hated his disorder because it made him sound unprofessional when speaking to his clients.

First, he visited the home of a soccer mom with a broken dishwasher. "Are you the woman with the busted wishdasher?" he asked. She was, and she didn't correct him so as not to offend him. He fixed the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three redditors link up for the weekend and hit a brothel outa town.

They walk into the venue and take a seat. The Madame greets them and rings a bell... Out come three scantily clad girls.

"You should know", says the Madame, "to give the client a 'real experience', we don't use condoms here".

The redditors look at each other for a second, then nod and...

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Turns out that sperm is only collected from our clients and they don't like when I ask if they're here to make a withdrawal or deposit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A prostitute has a problem...

There once was a very prolific prostitute. She serviced many a John and a Jane over her career.

Her biggest insecurity was always the way her vagina looked. She had rather large pussy lips (labia minora). Occasionally, she would be rejected by a client because of the way her lady bits looked...

A Jewish shopkepper is educating his son

"Ethics is the most important aspect of business." he explains.

"What is ethics?" asks his son.

"Imagine that a client comes in and buys a jacket paying with a 100 dollar bill. As he leaves I notice that he gave me two bills that stuck together."

"And now the ethics comes into ...

A cemetery superintendent was hoping to approve newly donated lands for internment

The Holy Cross Cemetery had received a surprise donation that would double the real estate of their current holdings, which were already overcrowded.

The lead undertaker, Arthur Falconer, was tasked by the superintendent with surveying the new land to plan how to layout the new headstones....

My friend Steve was looking to rent a house.

Steve's wealthy, so he had two realtors competing to lease him their latest properties. The first realtor opened his pitch bragging about the laundry list of folks who had rented property from him.
"I've rented out properties to Buddha himself, to four Norse gods, even Christ and a few of his dis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman named Andrea gets sent to prison for marijuana possession.

The facility is overcrowded, and it’s four people to a cell. It’s late at night when she arrives, and not a single one of her cellmates so much as stops snoring even after Andrea is shoved in and the door clangs shut. Tired and defeated, she picks up a strangely familiar smell just before she falls ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...