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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so
let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very n...

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"

"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.

"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."

"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged....

A lawyer and your client have a meet.

The client has a proposal.

If I get ten years on jail I'll pay you $3.000. If i get five years, I'll pay you $5.000. And if i get 1 year I'll pay you $10.000.

The lawyer says ok and will go negociate with the prosecutor. Than he return and says: You need pay me $10.000. We got it! On...

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"My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

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What did the Attorney do for his client that was charged with Public Masturbation?

He got him off.

I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...

Outlook not so good.

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

Your Honor, my client is not racist!

"He likes all the races, even the bad ones".

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Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approac...

Client: I want a cup of tea, please.

Waiter: 2 teaspoons of sugar ?

Client: No, I want 5. Is it the same price ?

Waiter: Yes, sugar is free.

Client: OK, don't bring the tea, I want 2 lbs sugar.

What does an exorcist do when his clients won't pay up?

He gets the ghosts to repossess the house.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

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What did the Gigolo find between his 80 year old clients’ breasts?

Lint in her belly button!

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

My Client Is Not Guilty.

Lawyer: My Client Is Trapped In A Penny

Judge: What Do You Mean?

Lawyer: He's In A Cent.

A client was pulled over for suspected dui. He was sober, and didn’t want to do a field sobriety test

But found out that asking “can you just blow me” isn’t a good way to communicate this to the officer.

I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.

Oops, wrong sub.

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

What does a cannibal life coach value in their clients?

*Consistency.*

A Salesman is working late one night to close a deal with some clients.

They start to get hungry, so he calls down to the office cafeteria to see if they can fix anything. The kitchen is already closed for the night, so the best the chef can do is whip up some sandwiches. As the chef is plating them up, he accidentally knocks the pickle jar off the counter and shatter...

Client: And a pack of condoms please

Shopper: Pack of 24?

C: When does they expire?

S: 2038

C: Pack of 6 please.

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What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for cumming!

An Orthodox Jewish lawyer tells his clients he's available to help them ...

... 24/6

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client....

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

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My wife's favorite client invited us to his house.

Everyone had a great time but I thought it was strange when I realized he didn't have piano. My wife's a massage therapist and had mentioned that they frequently ended their sessions with entertainment provided by the pianist.

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What did the flower prostitute say to her client?

¨You want floral?¨

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What do pornstars say after they’re done with their client?

“It was a business doing pleasure with you”

Lawyer: Your honour, what if my client is guilty?

Cruella: WTF? You are supposed to defend me!

Lawyer: Relax. I’m playing de Vil’s advocate.

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Did you hear about the sex worker who specialised in kinky clients?

He had a big threesome set up. Didn't go very well though...
He got off on the wrong foot.

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

Having U2 as a client would be the worst

All the work is pro bono.

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday, Bill”

A lawyer goes to heaven

St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"

St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."

The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"

St Peter says "Well, we just ...

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

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What do a contortionist duck and a lawyer with an unhappy client have in common?

Either one can stick his bill up his ass.

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

[NSFW] Why is it hard for brothels to build up a client base?

Customers keep coming and going.

A tailor is talking to a client about his suit

Tailor: We've got your suit all ready to try on. Do you need some help putting it on?

Man: No, that's quite alright I've got it.

Tailor: All right then, suit yourself.

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

The Boss and The Client

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

-The client: is room 39 empty?

-The boss: yes, sir.

-The client: can I book it?

-The boss: of course you can.

-The client: thank you.


Before going to the roo...

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A pimp has a meeting with a rich client

He’s waiting on the outside for his ladies to show up since they’re both running late. After about 20 minutes one of them shows up. The pimp says “What the fuck, where is the other one?” The girl responds “Sorry but she can’t make it.” Now the client is getting impatient. So, what does the pimp do?<...

Client: Waiter, please come taste my soup.

Waiter: Is there anything wrong with it sir? Want me to take it back to the chef?

Client: No, I just want you to taste my soup.

Waiter: But there's no spoon on the table.

Client: Exactly!

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[NSFW] Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

My client is very particular about which classical albums she wants me to restore...

“If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

While interviewing a potential client, the executive switched on his intercom and commanded:

"Get my broker on the telephone."
"Yes, sir", responded his secretary, "stock or pawn?"

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

A barber asks his client, how do you want your hair cut?

The client replied 'in silence'.

Why did the psychic turn her client down?

Because she was only offered a penny for her thoughts.

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

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A businessman is waiting at a cafe for a potential client...

when he looks over and sees Bill Gates reading the paper. He nervously approaches the billionaire and introduces himself.
"Hello Mr. Gates, my name is Peter, I'm a big fan of yours and if it's not too much trouble I'd like to ask a favor of you."
Bill Gates seems hesitant but asks the man...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "I would like to ask a few questions", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "But I have to charge you $200 to answer 2 questions" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" said the suprised client. "Yes it certainly is", said the lawyer...

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

I was sorry to hear you lost your job for sleeping with one of your clients...

That sucks, you were a great veterinarian

An Auditor was found sleeping with his client

He was guilty of inside her trading

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I just got fired for having sexual relations with my client

It's alright, I didn't like babysitting anyway.

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A working girl is hot and heavy into a date with a client.

She keeps laughing uncontrollably so her date stops having relations with her long enough to ask her what the fuck is sooo funny.
Oh don't worry about it sweety, it's just an inside joke.

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

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Why did the son and apprentice of a Japanese barber go bald after botching a very important client's hair?

To shave face!

Why didn't the client tip the server?

Because they didn't have enough cache!

(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)

What’s the difference between a customer, a client and a patient?

If I have customers, I get $10/hr. If I have clients, I get $100 an hour. If I have patients I get $1,000/hr

The lawyer called his client overseas...

..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."

EDITED to improve flow as suggested by /u/emilskoda

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What did the Japanese prostitute say to her clients to inform them she had a vaginal infection.

Cuntitchywa

What does a marijuana shop owner call his clients?

Kushtomers

Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato

A client told me he had some questions about carcinogens in his home

I told him I’d answer asbestos I can

What did the dyslexic booking agent tell his client?

Your flight is reversed

A barber gets his first client of the day and begins cutting his hair

The barber asks the client “What do you do?”
The client responds “I’m a waiter at the Italian restaurant down the street.”

The barber says to him “You’re in the service industry, I’m in the service industry, this haircut is on me.”

The next morning, the barber comes back to his shop...

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

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What do central European sex traffickers tell their clients?

The Czech's in the mail.

Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client?

All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.

TIFU By Mixing up my Client's Subway Order!

Whoops, wrong *sub*!

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessi...

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I finally got my vagina sculpting business off the ground and business is booming. My clients really enjoy my work and are always happy to pay...

For cervices rendered

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A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client.

Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses.
Free accommodation.
10 weeks paid leave per year.
Company car.
Generous pension scheme.

You know where to apply.

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

An insurance agent who was talking to a prospective client

..at her home pointed to an exquisite vase on thesideboard and asked,"Do you keep anything in it?"

Yes, my husband's ashes,"came
the reply.

“I am sorry,” apologized the agent, “I did not know he was deceased.”

"He isn't-he is just too lazy to
hunt for an ashtray."

A client just thanked me profusely for curing his erectile dysfunction.

-shrugs- It wasn't hard.

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What do a proctologist and a prostitute who's only clients are homeless people have in common?

They both spend their time at work feeling up bums.

Did you hear about the lawyer that got lost on a camping trip with one of his clients?

He was found with criminal in-tent.

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

A skydiving instructor was getting frustrated with his clients

Despite their initial willingness to sign up, all of them were now shaking, clutching their parachutes tightly, and looking down into the sky below. The man at the front of the line looked to be on the verge of tears. The instructor had been trying to get them to jump for the past twenty minutes, an...

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The couple was watching television at night.

The husband says, "Can I know why you've been sulking since I arrived?" And, angrily, the wife responds, "Today we celebrate 25 years of marriage, and here we are, standing in front of this television."

"MY GOD! I was so busy that I completely forgot! Forgive me, my dear. Go put on your...

What was the deal the coffee-addict lawyer offered potential clients?

Grounds for divorce

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I have had sex with SO many clients on the job

And my family said being a school teacher would suck!

A Nagging Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on h...

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if linking my Gmail messages to my Microsoft email client would be a good idea.

"Outlook not so good"

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

The lawyer looked at his rich client and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news,"

The client said, "well gee, I guess lets here the good news first."

So the lawyer said "You're wife has found a picture worth $10 million."

The client replied, "Oh that's fantastic! But whats the bad news?"

"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

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Two prostitutes were talking about clients...

When one of them points to the Mercedes across the street.

"You see that car, the owner afforded it because of me" she said with a smile on her face

"You know, that's not how it works, we don't give them money, they give it to us" the second said confused.

"Yeah, I know, before ...

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