A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he’s got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. “Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...

...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?”

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What did the flower prostitute say to her client?

¨You want floral?¨

A tailor is talking to a client about his suit

Tailor: We've got your suit all ready to try on. Do you need some help putting it on?

Man: No, that's quite alright I've got it.

Tailor: All right then, suit yourself.

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A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway.

She thinks to herself: "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything."

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together. The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to g...

While interviewing a potential client, the executive switched on his intercom and commanded:

"Get my broker on the telephone."
"Yes, sir", responded his secretary, "stock or pawn?"

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

Lawyer: my client is trapped in a penny

Judge: what..?

Lawyer: he’s in a cent your honor

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I finally got my vagina sculpting business off the ground and business is booming. My clients really enjoy my work and are always happy to pay...

For cervices rendered

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Why does the law society expressly prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

... To prevent the possibility of clients being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"

"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.

"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."

"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged....

I had just began to present my client's case in Court the other day when without warning the Judge slammed down his gaval, yelled "Guilty! ", and left the room.

Clearly he struggles with premature adjudication.

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A chiropractor was talking to his client, his client mentioned that he lived on an acreage and invited the chiropractor over to hunt on his land.

The chiropractor was not a frequent hunter, so he calls up his buddy to come with him. They get up to the clients land, and the chiropractor goes to the door to let the client know they will be accessing their land. The client says, ‘no problem. Could I get a favour from you first though?’ See that ...

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A pimp has a meeting with a rich client

He’s waiting on the outside for his ladies to show up since they’re both running late. After about 20 minutes one of them shows up. The pimp says “What the fuck, where is the other one?” The girl responds “Sorry but she can’t make it.” Now the client is getting impatient. So, what does the pimp do?<...

A Freudian slip from a doctor to his... client

"We medical practitioners do our very best, Mr. Smith. Nothing is more sacred to us than the doctor-plaintiff relationship."

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "I have some good news, and I have some bad news." he says.

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be r...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

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The Politician and Sex Workers

A politician visited Sex Workers Anonymous in order to get more information about how these women in his community were doing. He meets three poor prostitutes and speaks to them that their lifestyle is hurting them and that depending on how often they were engaged in the business, he would provide t...

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Applying for a sales position

A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:

\- Do you have sales experience?

\- Yes sir, I worked selling clothes.

The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:

\- Come to work tomorrow at 9 AM. You'll work al...

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

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A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

Spelling counts

Waiting on a Zoom call to start, but were having technical issues. Client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but she's the client. Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

An employee hadn't showed up for work, and it was getting pretty late.

The boss had a meeting in some time, and this particular employee was supposed to present the pitch to the clients. Ten minutes go by, twenty minutes go by... and there's no sign of the employee.

The boss decided to call him. However, the employee did not answer so the boss tried his wife's ...

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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

Did you hear about the lawyer that got lost on a camping trip with one of his clients?

He was found with criminal in-tent.

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New bordello opened

New bordello opened. They will make every sexual wish come true, but if client can't pay, they will ask a butcher from neighboring meat shop to cut part of your body.

So, one day came russian oligarch. He fucked everyone in the bordello. Female prostitutes, male prostitutes, barman, barmaid a...

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

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How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to collect all the information from the client what he wants done
1 to fill a flipchart with nonsensical bullshit
1 to whip the interns to actually collect the data required (i.e. someone has to pretend to work)
1 to write a report about it
12 to bill the work of the 18 people ...

Cleaning

I had a cleaning lady come to my house and when I opened the door I saw a 75-year-old lady standing there. So I told her what to clean and she worked but, it wasn’t done that great. So I asked her “how do you keep your job?" She then explained to me, “I just keep clients who can’t see any better tha...

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

After 25 years away, a man comes back to his home country for the holidays.

He decides to explore his old neighborhood, and when he reaches the building where he used to live, he notices that the shoemaker's shop across the street has not changed a bit.

All sorts of memories arise to the surface of his mind as he used to pass this shop everyday. And then he remembers...

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if linking my Gmail messages to my Microsoft email client would be a good idea.

"Outlook not so good"

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

What’s the difference between a customer, a client and a patient?

If I have customers, I get $10/hr. If I have clients, I get $100 an hour. If I have patients I get $1,000/hr

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

Windows can be fun!

**Client:** How good are you guys at PowerPoint?

**IT Expert:** We Excel at it...

**Client:** Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

**IT Expert:** Word.

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A man is in a VIP airport lounge en route to Seattle.

He is meeting with a very important client who is also flying to Seattle but she is running a bit late. While waiting, he notices Bill Gates sitting in a chair enjoying a cognac. Being a forward type of a guy, the man approaches Bill Gates and introduces himself. He explains to Gates that he is cond...

Donner Party.

Here's a rare treat....an original joke

At work I was talking with a client who brought up the Donner Party and asked if i knew who the were. I replied that yes, I did. They were the group snowbound in the mountains in the 1800s and turned to cannabalism.
I added that they were supposedly...

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

Client: Waiter, please come taste my soup.

Waiter: Is there anything wrong with it sir? Want me to take it back to the chef?

Client: No, I just want you to taste my soup.

Waiter: But there's no spoon on the table.

Client: Exactly!

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What do a proctologist and a prostitute who's only clients are homeless people have in common?

They both spend their time at work feeling up bums.

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

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How does a pornstar say good bye to a client?

Nice business doing pleasure with you.

I'm a doctor, and my old secretary was a cannibal. She always ate clients in the waiting room, and one day I caught her in the act.

I fired her then. For the longest time, she was trying my patience.

A client told me he had some questions about carcinogens in his home

I told him I’d answer asbestos I can

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I just got fired for having sexual relations with my client

It's alright, I didn't like babysitting anyway.

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A client receives his bill from his lawyer in the mail.

He’s livid at the amount and calls the lawyer to berate him for charging such ridiculous fees. The lawyer listens for a moment before stopping the client midsentence.



“You know,” the lawyer says, “you’re being a real jerk about this and I’m beginning to regret naming my first boat aft...

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A man with an itch goes to a house of ill repute. He walks in and is greeted by a seedy looking man with a vast array of keys behind him...

“I have $100, what will that get me?” Asks the client.

Grabbing a key behind him the proprietor turns around and tells the man, “second floor, down the hall, third door on the right.”

After a bit the man passes by on his way out the door and tells the proprietor, “that was the best sex...

Butler's night off

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jerves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at th...

I’ve started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

I got an email notification about a joke being posted in Reddit

I clicked delete, but my email client wouldn't let me send it to trash. Apparently, jokes can only be recycled, not sent to trash

A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.

"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.

Why did the psychic turn her client down?

Because she was only offered a penny for her thoughts.

NSFW: Too Tight!

So I just heard this one from, believe it or not, my sweet old mom. I'm not sure if it's original or not.

An older woman goes to a plastic surgeon who has perfected a fantastic new technique. As he's doing a face lift he installs a little screw on the top of each clients head. This way, ...

Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client?

All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

Kid Ink walks into a barbershop

The barber isn’t in tune with modern pop culture, only knowing bits and pieces, so he doesn’t recognize the rapper.

Kid Ink decides to take advantage of this and play a harmless prank.

Kid Ink sits down in the barber chair. The barber, wanting to get to know his client better, breaks...

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "I would like to ask a few questions", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "But I have to charge you $200 to answer 2 questions" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" said the suprised client. "Yes it certainly is", said the lawyer...

The Boss and The Client

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

-The client: is room 39 empty?

-The boss: yes, sir.

-The client: can I book it?

-The boss: of course you can.

-The client: thank you.


Before going to the roo...

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato

An old accountant had a curious habit

Everyday, just after he arrived in the office, he would take a small and battered yellow envelope from his drawer and peruse attentively the single sheet of paper inside. Then, he would take a glance around the office, smile and nod to himself, and go on with his day normally.

His employees ...

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

What does a marijuana shop owner call his clients?

Kushtomers

I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.

Oops, wrong sub.

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A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

The attorney tells his client the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"What's the bad news?" asks the accused.

"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."

"What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is 130."

Two men decided to try riding in a hot air balloon...

Neither of them has any experience ballooning. They leave the ground and suddenly realize they are way off course. The decide to let out some air and get close enough to the ground to yell out and get someone's attention.


They see a small town and yell out, a man in a suit looks up and ...

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

The lawyer looked at his rich client and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news,"

The client said, "well gee, I guess lets here the good news first."

So the lawyer said "You're wife has found a picture worth $10 million."

The client replied, "Oh that's fantastic! But whats the bad news?"

"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

A tragedy in the Mystic town

The Mystic town is populated by the human powers, who oddly look like big canisters with labels on them, and is divided into two parts by a huge road. One side of the road is for "General Powers", where guys like Strength, Speed and Agility live. The other one is "Other's" half, where Karma, Qi, Wil...

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Sex on the job

Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!"

Employee: "*She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?"*

Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Employee: "*I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!"*

Client: "You're the worst ...

Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one...

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What do central European sex traffickers tell their clients?

The Czech's in the mail.

An Auditor was found sleeping with his client

He was guilty of inside her trading

Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as th...

Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...

A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

As a skydiving instructor, I realized midair that I had accidentally given my client the wrong backpack

Me and my wife landed on the ground safely

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

Working from home - day 6

Client: "No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors"

Me: "Moooom!"

A psychiatrist goes into a room full of mentally ill people to check if some of them have become sane...

He takes a whiteboard pen and draws a door on the wall.

He says: "Those of you who think they are sane can now leave the psychiatry by using this door. All the people jump up from their chairs and furiously try to open the door - everybody but one.

The psychiatrist is relieved to see t...

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A businessman is waiting at a cafe for a potential client...

when he looks over and sees Bill Gates reading the paper. He nervously approaches the billionaire and introduces himself.
"Hello Mr. Gates, my name is Peter, I'm a big fan of yours and if it's not too much trouble I'd like to ask a favor of you."
Bill Gates seems hesitant but asks the man...

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A friend of mine was recently accused of having sex with one of his clients...

As a result, he has been publicly humiliated, and is probably going to be indicted any day. On top of that, a wonderful marriage, not to mention years of schooling and training, wasted for a moment of weakness. It's such a shame, for he was truly a nice guy, and an absolutely gifted mortician.

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

I’ll admit; my business plan of impersonating and running marathons on behalf of fee paying clients who want prestige without effort, is not going well.

But I’d still give you a run for your money.

Boss call an employee in his office

“I am sorry but we have to let you go. However according to our policy we will compensate your by paying you a 6 month salary.” The guy hates his job so he is quite relieved about the news. Whistling happily he decides to invest the money on himself and goes to a car dealer. When he enters the shop ...

TIFU By Mixing up my Client's Subway Order!

Whoops, wrong *sub*!

Attorney Checks Out Early

An attorney at the peak of life, and in great physical shape, suddenly drops over dead at the age of 38.

He arrives at the Pearly Gates and immediately asked, "Why did I die so young, surely this is an error?"

St. Peter looks into the Great Book of Life and replies, "Sorry no mistake, ...

What was the deal the coffee-addict lawyer offered potential clients?

Grounds for divorce

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