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Why did the son and apprentice of a Japanese barber go bald after botching a very important client's hair?

To shave face!

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

There is a street corner where hookers wait around to be picked up

On a light post nearby a parrot is hanging around. As he watches he says, “Same old hookers, same old clients”

This is bad for business so one of the hookers get mad at the parrot and throws a rock at him. He falls down onto the ground. The next morning a nun is walking and sees the parrot. ...

A lawyer and your client have a meet.

The client has a proposal.

If I get ten years on jail I'll pay you $3.000. If i get five years, I'll pay you $5.000. And if i get 1 year I'll pay you $10.000.

The lawyer says ok and will go negociate with the prosecutor. Than he return and says: You need pay me $10.000. We got it! On...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so
let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very n...

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Confessions

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down....

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What do pornstars say after they’re done with their client?

“It was a business doing pleasure with you”

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My wife's favorite client invited us to his house.

Everyone had a great time but I thought it was strange when I realized he didn't have piano. My wife's a massage therapist and had mentioned that they frequently ended their sessions with entertainment provided by the pianist.

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

True story… three days into the pnw heatwave I overheard a coworker and his client talking about how they were dealing with the heat…

Client: “I had to spend the last three days at my girlfriends apartment” Coworker: “Oh, does she have air conditioning” Client: “No… Only Fans.”

I was sorry to hear you lost your job for sleeping with one of your clients...

That sucks, you were a great veterinarian

Lawyer: Your honour, what if my client is guilty?

Cruella: WTF? You are supposed to defend me!

Lawyer: Relax. I’m playing de Vil’s advocate.

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

(thought of this on the bus) What's it called when a lawyer hides his virtual services from new clients?

E-legal concealment

*rimshot*

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

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[NSFW] Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.

"Sir," the trucking company's lawyer says to the farmer, "my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?"

"Well, you see," replies the farmer, "I was driving to the fair, and my favourite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and--"

"I didn't ask for...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"


"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

Lawyer: Your honor, my client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: he's in a cent!

Having U2 as a client would be the worst

All the work is pro bono.

I'm fine..

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor?
Paddy responded: 'Well,...

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

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The moth with depression

One evening physiotherapist is beginning to count down the minutes until he can close up his practice when his Secretary tells him that he has a walk in client, “well we are still open, so be it” says the physiotherapist “send them in!” The Secretary then gets kind of nervous and reveals that the cl...

Client: And a pack of condoms please

Shopper: Pack of 24?

C: When does they expire?

S: 2038

C: Pack of 6 please.

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What did the flower prostitute say to her client?

¨You want floral?¨

[NSFW] Why is it hard for brothels to build up a client base?

Customers keep coming and going.

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I finally got my vagina sculpting business off the ground and business is booming. My clients really enjoy my work and are always happy to pay...

For cervices rendered

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

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I'm a building contractor, recently I was hired to create a new set for a porn production company and told I have free reign over its design.

I was never a big fan of porn and was concerned I wouldn't be able to create a suitable set for such productions without guidance, but the client reassured me

"If you build it, they will come."

My client is very particular about which classical albums she wants me to restore...

“If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

Rick, a salesman, specilized in real estate. As he was talking to a client names Down about a property. The client said to Rick...

"Never in my life have i seen such a pretty house!"

"Gonna buy it?" asked Rick.

"Give me the paperwork" said Down. "I'm gonna."

"You made the right choice." said Rick, while grinning a grin. What he had neglected to tell his client was thay the upstairs was completly damaged....

Magic 8-Ball, what do you think of Microsoft's email client?

Outlook not so good

The phone rings at a local law firm...

"Good morning, Krantz Krantz Krantz & Krantz LLP."
"Is Mr. Krantz available?"
"No, I'm afraid he's in a meeting with a client at the moment."
"And what about Mr. Krantz?"
"He's away in Washington for the week."
"Then, is Mr. Krantz in?"
"Ye- err, wait, it's Tuesday....

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An arab was wrongfully taken into custody at the airport..

After feeling humiliated by the incident he decided to hire a lawyer to sue the TSA

The lawyer tells him “I’m sorry this happened to you. Ever since 9/11, your people have been forced to live in fear. This needs to stop! Now tell me exactly what happened?”

The arab goes on to explain h...

A farmer is caught in a huge storm

He starts praying and swears to god that if he gets out alive,he will sell his only horse and give all of the money to his local church.
Miraculously, he survives, and the next day, he goes to the market to sell his horse. A client then shows up and asks :
-how much for that horse ?

-oh...

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

I read today in the local newspaper that a barber in the city was arrested for drug trafficking

I was his client for a long time but I didn't know he was a barber

While interviewing a potential client, the executive switched on his intercom and commanded:

"Get my broker on the telephone."
"Yes, sir", responded his secretary, "stock or pawn?"

A tailor is talking to a client about his suit

Tailor: We've got your suit all ready to try on. Do you need some help putting it on?

Man: No, that's quite alright I've got it.

Tailor: All right then, suit yourself.

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A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light.

The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!”
The officer calmly told him of his violation.
The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.
The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finis...

I had just began to present my client's case in Court the other day when without warning the Judge slammed down his gaval, yelled "Guilty! ", and left the room.

Clearly he struggles with premature adjudication.

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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.

The client, out of the blue, suddenly asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright.

So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. After a few minut...

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A pimp has a meeting with a rich client

He’s waiting on the outside for his ladies to show up since they’re both running late. After about 20 minutes one of them shows up. The pimp says “What the fuck, where is the other one?” The girl responds “Sorry but she can’t make it.” Now the client is getting impatient. So, what does the pimp do?<...

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A working girl is hot and heavy into a date with a client.

She keeps laughing uncontrollably so her date stops having relations with her long enough to ask her what the fuck is sooo funny.
Oh don't worry about it sweety, it's just an inside joke.

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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me.

I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

While on the run from the cops, Peter hid in a dentist's office.

Seeing that the dentist left for a break, he quickly donned the uniform to avoid getting caught. Soon after, a man entered the office for his appointment. Peter knew nothing about dentistry but he was in too deep to bail.

The client said, "I have a problem with my cavity."

Peter, tryi...

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

Did you hear about the lawyer that got lost on a camping trip with one of his clients?

He was found with criminal in-tent.

A barber asks his client, how do you want your hair cut?

The client replied 'in silence'.

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

I asked my Magic 8 Ball if linking my Gmail messages to my Microsoft email client would be a good idea.

"Outlook not so good"

At the Barber Shop

A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While sitting down on the barber chair, he tells the barber that he can never properly shave his cheeks.


The barber goes to a drawer and takes out a small wooden ball. He tells the client to place it in his mouth between the cheek and his teet...

What’s the difference between a customer, a client and a patient?

If I have customers, I get $10/hr. If I have clients, I get $100 an hour. If I have patients I get $1,000/hr

Yoga instructor killed one of his clients.

The murder was premeditated.

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

Somebody walks into an ice cream parlor

and asks "what flavors do you have?"

The attendant says "over there on the signs on the wall, you'll see them all"

Clients goes "Ehm, well I'll have a cone with two scoops of *Mondays Closed*."

I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client.

Oops, wrong sub.

How to weigh a pig

A farmer is out in the field with his client, who is there to buy a pig, as they are walking along the client asks him, "how much does this pig weigh?"

The farmer pulls the pig out, puts his tail in his mouth and says, "she's 245 pounds easy."

Astonished, the client thinks he's being f...

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What do a proctologist and a prostitute who's only clients are homeless people have in common?

They both spend their time at work feeling up bums.

I’ve started a waxing/hair removal business, and I have decided to only take female clients for the time being.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

Did you hear about the limo driver who drove for 20 years but never found a client?

All that time wasted with nothing to chauffeur it.

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I just got fired for having sexual relations with my client

It's alright, I didn't like babysitting anyway.

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "I would like to ask a few questions", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "But I have to charge you $200 to answer 2 questions" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" said the suprised client. "Yes it certainly is", said the lawyer...

Client: Waiter, please come taste my soup.

Waiter: Is there anything wrong with it sir? Want me to take it back to the chef?

Client: No, I just want you to taste my soup.

Waiter: But there's no spoon on the table.

Client: Exactly!

I'm a doctor, and my old secretary was a cannibal. She always ate clients in the waiting room, and one day I caught her in the act.

I fired her then. For the longest time, she was trying my patience.

A client told me he had some questions about carcinogens in his home

I told him I’d answer asbestos I can

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

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A client receives his bill from his lawyer in the mail.

He’s livid at the amount and calls the lawyer to berate him for charging such ridiculous fees. The lawyer listens for a moment before stopping the client midsentence.



“You know,” the lawyer says, “you’re being a real jerk about this and I’m beginning to regret naming my first boat aft...

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

What does a marijuana shop owner call his clients?

Kushtomers

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A couples' therapist encounters a client with a giant red "M" on her chest. [NSFW]

Concerned, the therapist asks the woman if her husband is abusing her in some strange satanic manner. "No," replies the client, "my husband is a Mississippi fan and insists on wearing his game jersey every time we have an 'interaction'." A couple days later, the therapist meets another client who sh...

A lawyer asks his client if she is guilty because he's in love with her.

"I'm just trying to get you off," he says, hopefully not for the last time.

Why did the psychic turn her client down?

Because she was only offered a penny for her thoughts.

Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...

A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Rich man arrested for murder

A rich man is arrested for murder finds an Attorney that says

" Rich people don't to jail, You have too much money to go to jail, I'll represent you"

It was long drawn out trial, and when his client was convicted, the lawyer made sure he didn't have any money left.

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A businessman is waiting at a cafe for a potential client...

when he looks over and sees Bill Gates reading the paper. He nervously approaches the billionaire and introduces himself.
"Hello Mr. Gates, my name is Peter, I'm a big fan of yours and if it's not too much trouble I'd like to ask a favor of you."
Bill Gates seems hesitant but asks the man...

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

Which fruit defends their clients in the juridical system?

The advocato

You wanna know how I know that good hookers aren't worth the money?

Because I always overcharge clients.

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My therapist abruptly canceled me as a client.

After I told her I used to follow my last therapist home. Shame, we were making progress, I almost had her cross street

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?

On a queso by queso basis.

The lawyer looked at his rich client and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news,"

The client said, "well gee, I guess lets here the good news first."

So the lawyer said "You're wife has found a picture worth $10 million."

The client replied, "Oh that's fantastic! But whats the bad news?"

"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your child...

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

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What do central European sex traffickers tell their clients?

The Czech's in the mail.

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