UPJOKE
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"Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?"

"This is Alexa."

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A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

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[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

My wife and I have an open relationship

Found out last night

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

I'm making a graph of my past relationships...

I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

When I was in college, my girlfriend and I tried a long distance relationship...

I had to stay 300 feet away from her at all times.

Also, the judge said i had to stop calling her "my girlfriend"

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

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I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

So I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?

I'm asking for a friend.

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My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship..

But I still wish she didn't have one at all.

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Relationships are like farts

if you have to push too hard, it's probably shit

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

Relationships are like algebra...

Ever look at your X and wonder Y?

For anyone in a relationship, take note from Twitter.

Introducing an X after many years is never a good idea.

What do you call an old lady in an open relationship?

A poly Esther.

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

Why is Jesus not in a relationship?

Because he is still hung up on his X

Mens guide to love and lasting relationships.

1. Find a woman who makes you laugh
2. Find a woman who has a job and loves housework
3. Find a woman who is honest
4. Find a woman who will wait on you no matter what
5. Find a woman who is awesome in bed
6. Most of all, it’s very important that these five woman never meet.

Why are so many bulls in toxic relationships?

Every time there's a red flag, they run towards it.

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

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I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

Elon Musk has always had trouble with relationships...

Even Twitter is now his X!

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

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What’s the difference between being in a sexual relationship with your sister and your sister being in a sexual relationship with you?

Nothing, it’s all fucking relative.

Why are relationships complex?

Because you're real, but your girlfriend is imaginary

Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship?

The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

My relationship with my girlfriend is quite complex.

I'm the real part.

I just ended a 5 years long relationship

I'm fine, it wasn't my relationship.

I was once in a relationship with Math

I had to leave it though, there were just too many problems

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Relationship 101

I Recently broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop gaining weight. I know I know that makes me sound like a dick but in my defense there’s no way I’m ready to be a father

I tried to have a relationship with a sniper....

but I knew from the beginning it was a long shot.

You should never get into a relationship with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

Algebra reminds me of my past relationships

I mean, have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as she likes to call it, a “restraining order”

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices….

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden…

Ive stayed in relationships..

Just to avoid doing dishes!

Girl: Our relationship is over.

Me: Our relationship is what? Over.

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man and woman relationship

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home ...

Girl, our relationship is like a Himalayan pink salt lamp…

I don’t think it’s working, and I feel nothing.

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

My relationships are like fat people.

They don't work out.

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

Two muslims were in relationship.

Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."

Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."

Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."

The long distance relationship

A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have t...

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Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being wit...

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A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door...

Why did the dinosaur end his relationship?

Because his ex stinked.

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

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A fart and a relationship have on important thing in common.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

My relationship with my neighbors is like on that show Friends

I haven't seen any of them since 2004.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

Relationships

They are like the suits in a pack of cards,

They start out all hearts and diamonds………..

…….but eventually you wish you had a club and a spade!

Ending a relationship....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just ended a five-year relationship," he confides to the bartender. "Hey, I'm sorry to hear that. Have this drink on the house," the bartender says. "Oh, no reason to be upset," the guy replies. "It wasn't my relationship."

The keys for men to find happiness in a relationship are as follows

Find a woman that understands your flaws, a woman that loves you, a woman that has a great sense of humour and make sure those three women don’t find out about each other.

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

Relationship

A woman decided to break off her recent engagement, and her friend said, *what happened? I thought it was love at first sight!*


To which the woman replied, *but the second and third ones changed my mind.*

There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.

2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.

3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.

4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never fin...

Why do Hitmen have trouble maintaining steady relationships?

Because their dates are always afraid of being taken out.

I was trying to do some research on human and dog relationships

But I got stuck in my lab

My romantic relationship

Seriously. It's a joke.

If your relationship is an on and off relationship...

..it’s just the demon’s kid playing with the switches.

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Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble

Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble after a misunderstanding while sexting. He tried to say “I’m touching myself” but forgot the s and now she doesn’t know what to believe.

My relationship status:

I just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away, so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

My girlfriend: This relationship is over.

Me responding on my walky talky: This relation is what? *over

Got some relationship advice from my plumber friend.

He told me to Pfister till she Moens.

Do you know what's the most important thing in a relationship?

Trust! Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife?

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"How do you view Homosexual relationships?"

"HD"

Juliet hates it when people give her advice about relationships.

It’s not her first Romeo.

How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship?

9/11

Never get into a relationship with an astrologer.

They want to sign and date everything.

To be successful in a relationship, always be frank and ernest!

Frank when you're with your wife, and Ernest when you're with your girlfriend.

Long distance relationship

A woman and a man met on Tinder and began a long distance relationship. They would communicate everyday but their distance was always 1548km apart. Eventually, the woman could no longer bear the distance apart and asked for a break up. The man said nothing. The next day, the woman noticed the distan...

"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over!"

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I am in the S&M period in my relationship

She sleeps, I masturbate.

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Spicy relationship

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she...

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

How did Kim Kardashian inform her kid that she and Kanye were separating?

“North, my relationship with West has gone south.”

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

I just can't take this long distance relationship anymore...

I'm moving the fridge to my room.

I'm finally in stable relationship!

There's some horse in this house, there's some horse in this house.

My best friend has a hot and cold relationship

She’s dating a plumber

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