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"Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?"

"This is Alexa."

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[NSFW] It's said that women may sometimes fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship...

...whereas men may fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage

I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion

I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

My relationship with my neighbors is like on that show Friends

I haven't seen any of them since 2004.

I tried to have a relationship with a sniper....

but I knew from the beginning it was a long shot.

I was trying to do some research on human and dog relationships

But I got stuck in my lab

I plotted all of my past relationships on a chart

It had an “ex” axis and a “why” axis.

My wife and I have an open relationship

Found out last night

Algebra reminds me of my past relationships

I mean, have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?

I was once in a relationship with Math

I had to leave it though, there were just too many problems

Stats show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

My relationship with trading is a weird one. They are unstable, constantly deplete my money, give me mental trauma, but I carry on thinking about the good times I had with them, and the money they made for me.

Guess I have "Stock"holm syndrome

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Last night, my wife said to me in bed "You have a messed up relationship with your mother."

I rolled over the other way and said "Ma, are you hearing this shit??"

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Three married men sit at a bar. one ugly, one average, and one handsome

The conversation shifts to their love lives.

The first, ugly man says "My wife nor I are all that nice to look at, but we have a loving relationship with great communication. We both cook and clean and take care of each other. In fact, since we have trouble looking at each other in bed, we've...

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

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What’s the difference between being in a sexual relationship with your sister and your sister being in a sexual relationship with you?

Nothing, it’s all fucking relative.

Ive stayed in relationships..

Just to avoid doing dishes!

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A fart and a relationship have on important thing in common.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

Sometimes I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

I was in a relationship with a blind girl

It was exciting but also challenging. It took me ages to get her husband's voice right

There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.

2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.

3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.

4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never fin...

Did you guys hear about those two bodybuilders that got divorced?

Apparently their relationship just wasn't working out.

Why do Hitmen have trouble maintaining steady relationships?

Because their dates are always afraid of being taken out.

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Reddit advice on relationships

Reddit advice on relationships no matter the question: “leave them, it’s a red flag!”. The Redditor then feels satisfied, having posted sound advice, and goes to sleep alone in their single-mom’s basement.

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

Juliet hates it when people give her advice about relationships.

It’s not her first Romeo.

The mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.



To no avail, she kept nagg...

Why did the dinosaur end his relationship?

Because his ex stinked.

If you’re not the hottest or ugliest wife in a poly relationship, are you

The mid-wife?

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I think every man at some point has tucked his penis between his legs and pretended he has a vagina.

I just wish I'd known that my girlfriend was doing it for the first six months of our relationship.

Plato didn't have a wife or kids..

Clearly, all his relationships were platonic.

A man walks by a homeless guy holding a sign that says "hungry and homeless, I was a vet! "

The homeless guy tells the man that he had lost his job due to the government screwing him for something he did during his service, so the man gives him some change and thanks him for his service.

As the man walks away the homeless guy yells "WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT DOCTOR-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS ...

While in prison, I started a relationship with an English teacher and I wanted to marry her when I got out...

but apparently she wouldn't let me end a sentence with a proposition.

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Me and my wife have been in a non-monogamous relationship for about 2 years now...

And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm kind of nervous to tell her.

My relationships are like fat people.

They don't work out.

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

Do you know what's the most important thing in a relationship?

Trust! Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife?

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered.

it wasn’t mine.

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

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My best friend is a sadist, but we don't let that get in the way of our relationship..

I know he'd do absolutely anything to me

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(nsfw) A very elderly couple were dating and decided to wed. On their wedding night, as they were about to consummate the relationship, the women said to her husband, "I have to warn you. I have acute angina."

"Am I relieved to hear that!" her husband replied. "Cuz those are about the ugliest tits I have ever seen."

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

What do you say when two T-rex break up from a relationship?

- Tyrannosaurus EX

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. When we separated after three years, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

Ladies, don't believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.

You'll find he screws nuts and bolts.

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

Why do tennis players suck at relationships?

Because love means nothing to them.

Selling brains for charity

Obama and Trump are asked to sell their brains for charity.

Obama offers his brains for $100,000.

"Why so much?", someone asks.

"Well", Obama says, "I studied Law at Harvard. My brains are extremely well developed".

Trump offers his brains for $10,000,000.

"That's ...

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Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble

Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble after a misunderstanding while sexting. He tried to say “I’m touching myself” but forgot the s and now she doesn’t know what to believe.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

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"How do you view Homosexual relationships?"

"HD"

My girlfriend and I have one of those 'up-down' relationships.

When I get it up, she's never down!

When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.

Communication is already encrypted.

Thailand was having a rocky trade relationship with China

China refused to trade in Thai Bhat, but the Thais noticed that they had no problem trading with South Korean money. They decided to adopt Korea's currency and imported a trillion Won so they could use it to trade with China.

Unfortunately, China said it does not recognize the legitimacy of T...

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

To be successful in a relationship, always be frank and ernest!

Frank when you're with your wife, and Ernest when you're with your girlfriend.

Got some relationship advice from my plumber friend.

He told me to Pfister till she Moens.

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There's a Psychic convention.

All the psychics are there. Palm readers, Crystal Ball people, phone psychics. So the speaker says "has anybody here ever seen a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up.
He says "has anybody here ever talked to a ghost?" A bunch of hands went up again.
He gets right down to the last que...

How do you call a relationship between man and a car?

Exhausting

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Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

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But if you fuck it youre going to jail

Keeping the mystery in a relationship

My wife says she likes to keep a little mystery in our relationship.

Stuff like:

* where the hell are my drill bits?

* why didn't you tell me they were coming over today?

and

* how much is this all going to cost?

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100...

She's a perfect 10, but also imaginary.
Our relationship is... complex.

What did the impossible non-Euclidean wife shape say to her impossible non-Euclidean husband shape?

"This relationship is very one-sided."

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

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Relationship 101

I Recently broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop gaining weight. I know I know that makes me sound like a dick but in my defense there’s no way I’m ready to be a father

I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

Two muslims were in relationship.

Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."

Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."

Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."

The long distance relationship

A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have t...

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer"

Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.

The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keepng your friends close and your anemones closer.

Never get into a relationship with an astrologer.

They want to sign and date everything.

Physical

Seventy-eight year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God? "George replied, "...

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

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Me: You get to a point in a relationship where you've seen your partner's butthole more than they have. This is a beautiful thing.

Priest: the bride has also written her own vowes.

I told my wife how nervous I was about hosting the talk on unhealthy relationships.

"I'm terrified of public speaking," I told her, "but my friend gave me a good tip: he said I should imagine the crowd naked."

My wife said, "No, you're only allowed to imagine me naked."

England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes.

We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.

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A Father is driving home with his child in the back seat

The boy looks out the window and, seeing a field full of cows, excitedly says to his father;

“Dad! Look! Moo moos!”

His father looks angrily in the rear view mirror and says

“They’re not called moo moos! They’re cows! Say it properly!”

The boy replies quietly “cows, dad.”...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.

My coworker caught his girlfriend having an affair with his best friend. He told her the relationship was over and to leave immediately. I asked him what he said to his best friend.

Bad dog! Very bad dog!

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Relationships are kinda like farts.

If you try to force it it’s probably shit.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

My best friend has a hot and cold relationship

She’s dating a plumber

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

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It's difficult to make meaningful relationships when you have a big dick

I'm just struggling to fit in

So I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

My wife and I disagree about who wears the pants in the relationship

We're very poor

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

Melinda Gates: "Bill, I think our relationship is not going to work anymore..."

Bill: "Why don't we try to divorce and marry again?"

Why is the math teacher unable to have a good relationship

He has way too many problems that need solving

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

I made a video about the symbiotic relationships between fungus and algae

Don't forget to lichen subscribe!

If you think a healthy relationship could ever arise out of an arranged wedding...

... then I have a Bridget to sell you.

GF: “ why do we need radios, our relationship is over “

Dude: “ our relationship is what? “

Ending a relationship....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just ended a five-year relationship," he confides to the bartender. "Hey, I'm sorry to hear that. Have this drink on the house," the bartender says. "Oh, no reason to be upset," the guy replies. "It wasn't my relationship."

Babe why did you get these new radios? Our relationship is over.

Our relationship is what? Over.

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

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