UPJOKE
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There's 4 main rules when looking a good woman in a relationship:

1) Find a woman who's a good cook an an and keeps a clean home.

2) Find a woman who is fiscally responsible and appreciative of gifts you can afford.

3) Find a woman who is passionate and reallllllly good in the sack.

4) And The Most Important of All: Make sure they never fin...

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as she likes to call it, a "restraining order"

Stats show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

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A fart and a relationship have on important thing in common.

If you have to force it, it's probably shit.

Why did the dinosaur end his relationship?

Because his ex stinked.

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Reddit advice on relationships

Reddit advice on relationships no matter the question: “leave them, it’s a red flag!”. The Redditor then feels satisfied, having posted sound advice, and goes to sleep alone in their single-mom’s basement.

While in prison, I started a relationship with an English teacher and I wanted to marry her when I got out...

but apparently she wouldn't let me end a sentence with a proposition.

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What’s the difference between being in a sexual relationship with your sister and your sister being in a sexual relationship with you?

Nothing, it’s all fucking relative.

Me and my wife have been in a non-monogamous relationship for about 2 years now...

And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm kind of nervous to tell her.

Ladies, don't believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.

You'll find he screws nuts and bolts.

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

My relationships are like fat people.

They don't work out.

I was in a relationship and i was too late to see the big red flags

she is a communist

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

"hey siri, why am i so bad at relationship with women?"

Alexa: ....

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(nsfw) A very elderly couple were dating and decided to wed. On their wedding night, as they were about to consummate the relationship, the women said to her husband, "I have to warn you. I have acute angina."

"Am I relieved to hear that!" her husband replied. "Cuz those are about the ugliest tits I have ever seen."

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

Do you know what's the most important thing in a relationship?

Trust! Because if you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you know she's not gonna tell your wife?

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A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

Just got out of a relationship where He said that if I don’t love him my life will be miserable and I will suffer forever.

That’s why I’m converting out of Christianity.

Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...

That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.

What do you say when two T-rex break up from a relationship?

- Tyrannosaurus EX

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They say when looking for a relationship you should put out what you want to attract.

But boy oh boy, have I had to suck a lot of dick lately!

My girlfriend and I have one of those 'up-down' relationships.

When I get it up, she's never down!

Thailand was having a rocky trade relationship with China

China refused to trade in Thai Bhat, but the Thais noticed that they had no problem trading with South Korean money. They decided to adopt Korea's currency and imported a trillion Won so they could use it to trade with China.

Unfortunately, China said it does not recognize the legitimacy of T...

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"How do you view Homosexual relationships?"

"HD"

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Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble

Santa and Mrs. Claus’ relationship is in trouble after a misunderstanding while sexting. He tried to say “I’m touching myself” but forgot the s and now she doesn’t know what to believe.

Why do tennis players suck at relationships?

Because love means nothing to them.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered.

it wasn’t mine.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.

Communication is already encrypted.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Got some relationship advice from my plumber friend.

He told me to Pfister till she Moens.

I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language sometimes

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

Keeping the mystery in a relationship

My wife says she likes to keep a little mystery in our relationship.

Stuff like:

* where the hell are my drill bits?

* why didn't you tell me they were coming over today?

and

* how much is this all going to cost?

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Not my joke: Bill Burr, prolly the best joke ever: We have a weird relationship with cows;

1. You suckle it (milk)
1. You can eat it
1. You can tip it over when its sleeping

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But if you fuck it youre going to jail

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

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Say what you want about Amber Heard...

She is the only one who gave a shit in this relationship.

Hermit crabs have been known to have symbiotic relationships with sea anemones.

The crabs let the anemones ride around on their shells and will even share food with them.

It's a prime example of keepng your friends close and your anemones closer.

How do you call a relationship between man and a car?

Exhausting

To be successful in a relationship, always be frank and ernest!

Frank when you're with your wife, and Ernest when you're with your girlfriend.

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer"

How to use Astrology to know about your relationship future:

If she starts to speak about your sign: run!

If she starts to speak about your sign and ascendent: run like hell, and never come back!

I told my wife how nervous I was about hosting the talk on unhealthy relationships.

"I'm terrified of public speaking," I told her, "but my friend gave me a good tip: he said I should imagine the crowd naked."

My wife said, "No, you're only allowed to imagine me naked."

Just ended a 5 year relashionship

Don't worry guys it was not my relationship

Why did Seven decide to salvage her relationship with Nine?

Because she realized that if Nine went away, she'd just be two negative.

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I knew a girl who had sex with her horse.

She said that they were in a stable relationship

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Relationship 101

I Recently broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop gaining weight. I know I know that makes me sound like a dick but in my defense there’s no way I’m ready to be a father

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

The long distance relationship

A guy walks into his usual local bar and orders a beer. "All alone tonight? Where's your girlfriend?" the bartender asks. "My girlfriend and I are trying this whole 'long-distance relationship thing'," he tells the bartender. "Well, that can be hard," the bartender says. "You're telling me. I have t...

Never get into a relationship with an astrologer.

They want to sign and date everything.

For my Cake day I would like to share my biologist wife's favorite joke.

Two girls are giving relationship advice to their friend.

The confectioner says:

"The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach." And offers to help the girl bake a cake.

The doctor says:

"That is actually false, the quickest way to a man's heart is through the...

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It's difficult to make meaningful relationships when you have a big dick

I'm just struggling to fit in

I made a graph showing all of my past relationships.

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.

Instead I just swam for the surface.

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

My best friend has a hot and cold relationship

She’s dating a plumber

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

Two muslims were in relationship.

Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."

Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."

Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."

England's relationship with football is a lot like the dad who went out for cigarettes.

We keep saying he is coming home. But never does.

Does anyone know of a kind of relationship where you and the other person have a caring and mutual bond -- but you're not romantically attached to them, and you're not their family?

Asking for a friend.

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I just began a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right, but at least I know she won't be seeing other people.

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Me: You get to a point in a relationship where you've seen your partner's butthole more than they have. This is a beautiful thing.

Priest: the bride has also written her own vowes.

My wife and I disagree about who wears the pants in the relationship

We're very poor

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Relationships are kinda like farts.

If you try to force it it’s probably shit.

Why is the math teacher unable to have a good relationship

He has way too many problems that need solving

If you think a healthy relationship could ever arise out of an arranged wedding...

... then I have a Bridget to sell you.

I would never ever cheat in a Relationship..

because that would require 2 people to find me attractive.

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Johnny Depp claims amber heard or her friend pooped on his bed

This incident surely left a stain in their relationship...

My partner suggested getting married to make our relationship more secure...

I suggested we called it our rElaT10nsh!p.

My coworker caught his girlfriend having an affair with his best friend. He told her the relationship was over and to leave immediately. I asked him what he said to his best friend.

Bad dog! Very bad dog!

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

My girlfriend just dumped me

She got mad because of “the way I spend my money on myself”

But the thing is, I bought her presents every week, took her on trips, spent literally thousands on her in this relationship, and just this one time, I spend literally just a $100 on a hooker, she gets all mad and dumps me…

I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship...

I said "yes I am, why?"

She said "Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!"

Melinda Gates: "Bill, I think our relationship is not going to work anymore..."

Bill: "Why don't we try to divorce and marry again?"

Relationships are like algebra...

ever look at your Ex and wonder why?

I made a video about the symbiotic relationships between fungus and algae

Don't forget to lichen subscribe!

Before we started dating, my girlfriend was in an abusive relationship and she'd Never talk about it.

For the entire first year of our relationship, I just thought she hated high fives.

I have a graph of my relationships

It has an Ex axis and a why axis, trust me I’ve been plotting for a while

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

Ending a relationship....

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just ended a five-year relationship," he confides to the bartender. "Hey, I'm sorry to hear that. Have this drink on the house," the bartender says. "Oh, no reason to be upset," the guy replies. "It wasn't my relationship."

GF: “ why do we need radios, our relationship is over “

Dude: “ our relationship is what? “

A man is giving relationship advice via calls

A man is giving relationship advice via calls to a friend

Friend: i don't want to leave her, i really care abo-

He replies: I can't hear you, you're breaking up

Babe why did you get these new radios? Our relationship is over.

Our relationship is what? Over.

Relationships

They are like the suits in a pack of cards,

They start out all hearts and diamonds………..

…….but eventually you wish you had a club and a spade!

My romantic relationship

Seriously. It's a joke.

What kind of behaviour could underline a serious problem in your relationship?

When you feel like your partner is always trying to Ctrl+U.

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A guy said to his girlfriend before breaking up, "A relationship is like a fart."

"How is that?" She mockingly said.
He then replied, "If you have to force it, it's probably crap anyway."

The key to successful relationships is being earnest and frank...

... so when I'm with my wife in Washington D.C., I'm Earnest, and with my girlfriend in Baltimore, I'm Frank.

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

My relationship status:

I just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away, so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

How did Kim Kardashian explain to her daughter the reason why Kanye is acting this way?

“North, my relationship with West has gone totally South.”

So I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I was once in a pretty serious relationship with a cake

We went on several dates over the course of a few weeks. The chemistry was great and I thought we really had a connection. One special night I leaned in close to my cake and whispered, “I love you."



The cake burst into tiers.

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

Widowed couple

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discus...

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I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

Golf

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Jody, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a...

Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number.

If my wife answers, just hang-up

What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income

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The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

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My wife is always saying “ Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.”

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is pissed?

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