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A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm

It was the first anniversary of my relationship with my girlfriend yesterday.

Being the sort of person I am, I arranged for a fancy car to arrive outside at 7pm sharp, a lovely meal at a fine restaurant and a walk by the moonlit pier followed by a night of wine and intense passion.

Ever the nit-picker, I awoke to an earful from my girlfriend because as usual there’s o...

I went to the Opticians today and at the end she asked if I was married or in a relationship...

I said "yes I am, why?"

She said "Well your eyes are fine but your girlfriend needs to come in for a checkup ASAP!"

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Relationships are kinda like farts.

If you try to force it it’s probably shit.

I made a video about the symbiotic relationships between fungus and algae

Don't forget to lichen subscribe!

A man is giving relationship advice via calls

A man is giving relationship advice via calls to a friend

Friend: i don't want to leave her, i really care abo-

He replies: I can't hear you, you're breaking up

Relationships are like Indian food

They start out hot and spicy but end up with someone on the toilet crying and saying why me.

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Me: You get to a point in a relationship where you've seen your partner's butthole more than they have. This is a beautiful thing.

Priest: the bride has also written her own vowes.

Melinda Gates: "Bill, I think our relationship is not going to work anymore..."

Bill: "Why don't we try to divorce and marry again?"

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

Two muslims were in relationship.

Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."

Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."

Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."

My romantic relationship

Seriously. It's a joke.

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I just began a sexual relationship with a blind woman.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right, but at least I know she won't be seeing other people.

My coworker caught his girlfriend having an affair with his best friend. He told her the relationship was over and to leave immediately. I asked him what he said to his best friend.

Bad dog! Very bad dog!

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

GF: “ why do we need radios, our relationship is over “

Dude: “ our relationship is what? “

My relationship status:

I just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away, so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

The key to successful relationships is being earnest and frank...

... so when I'm with my wife in Washington D.C., I'm Earnest, and with my girlfriend in Baltimore, I'm Frank.

Guys, if your marriage fails don't just blame her. It takes 2 people to make a toxic relationship.

Blame her and her mother.

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A guy said to his girlfriend before breaking up, "A relationship is like a fart."

"How is that?" She mockingly said.
He then replied, "If you have to force it, it's probably crap anyway."

Why do relationships between string instruments never work out?

They always result in domestic violins.

Babe why did you get these new radios? Our relationship is over.

Our relationship is what? Over.

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What did the jam say to the bread after the failure of their relationship?

"Your deserve butter."

How do you know someone’s in a good relationship in high school?

Because you’ve never heard of them

What kind of behaviour could underline a serious problem in your relationship?

When you feel like your partner is always trying to Ctrl+U.

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

Relationships are like algebra.

You look at your x and wander y.

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Micky and Minnie Mouse were having relationship problems

It got so bad, Micky decided to call his lawyer. After explaining his situation, Micky's lawyer said, "Micky, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's silly". Micky responded, "I didn't say she was silly. I said she was fucking Goofy!".

Not good at relationships

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her... instead, I swam up to the surface.

You should never get into a relationship with a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

Middle-aged man looking for companion. If you're looking for honest relationship please call this number.

If my wife answers, just hang-up

I was once in a pretty serious relationship with a cake

We went on several dates over the course of a few weeks. The chemistry was great and I thought we really had a connection. One special night I leaned in close to my cake and whispered, “I love you."



The cake burst into tiers.

Relationship

A woman decided to break off her recent engagement, and her friend said, *what happened? I thought it was love at first sight!*


To which the woman replied, *but the second and third ones changed my mind.*

What's the greatest benefit of a male-male relationship?

Double the income

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I know of a zoophile scientist who is studying human-dog sexual relationships.

He's always in his lab

I was on a date with this girl and she started telling me about her violent ex relationship.

"Thats really terrible. How bad were the beatings?" I asked holding her hands.

She replied, "It depended on how angry I was at the time."

I just ended a long-term relationship today.

I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

Guys if you and your pickles are in a toxic relationship, here's what to do

Try to talk it out, even if its HARD TO OPEN UP. then if things go SOUR, get rid of them. There, DILLemma solved

They say that 1 out of every 3 people in a serious relationship will be unfaithful at some point.

Now I've just got to figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend.

Don't rush into a relationship, be friends first

Maybe they have hotter friends

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

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My wife is always saying “ Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.”

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is pissed?

I want to tell you all about the relationship between electromagnetism and light

but I realize that will have me talking Faraday or two.

I've just finished a graph charting my previous relationships...

It has an Ex axis and a Why axis.

Plotting a graph of my past relationships is a little "complex"

Plotting a graph of my past relationships is a little "complex". It has imaginary "ax-es".

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

I'm finally in stable relationship!

There's some horse in this house, there's some horse in this house.

What do you call a relationship with a dead hooker?

-
-
-
-
-

A Necromance

Date a girl for a year that’s a relationship

Date a girl for a month and that’s a Spotify premium free trial

What's the hardest part of maintaining a relationship while being a necrophile?

No matter how hard you try, it all just falls apart

She: Our relationship is over

He: Our relationship is what........ Over

I finally got out of an abusive relationship

I'm glad, my hands were starting to hurt!


^(Source: SrGrafo stream musings)

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

My girlfriend and I are now in a long distance relationship

I still see her all the time, I’m just not legally permitted to be within 1,000 ft. of her.

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I learned what compromise is in a relationship.

When she asks for a 10" dick, I offer to meet her halfway.

What's the worst part for vampires in a committed relationship with women?

Having to wait 24 days for the good part.

What do relationship advice and communist propaganda have in common?

There are loads of red flags involved.

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

How is husband-wife relationship working

Before the wedding, man is talking, woman is listening.

Soon after the wedding, woman is talking, man is listening.

10 years after the wedding, both man and woman are talking, neighbors are listening.

My father and I have a hit and miss relationship...

He either hits me or he misses me!

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

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Long distance relationships are hard...

I haven’t seen my girl for a month and worst I haven’t had sex for a couple of weeks...









—Jose Cervantes

I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman..

He was always too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment.

He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off.

She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was ...

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A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”...

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

How can you destroy your relationships with your family?

Adoption papers

My girlfriend asked me last night if she was still as pretty as the day we met. I said of course! She frowned and said “You have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I was as happy with her as ever. I said of course! She said again “you have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I still wanted to be with her and only her. I said as long as her sister is still in a relationship.

Apparently I shouldn’t have been *that* honest.

My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship.

One of these days I’ll let her know about it.

A man said "My wife and I know everything about each other! We have the perfect relationship!"

His co-worker then replied "Well, what are the color of her eyes?"

The man, who never paid attention to his wifes eye colour, after work went home to see the colour of this wifes eyes.

Upon entering his bedroom, he saw his wife sitting on the bed, staring at him with her eyes wide ope...

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To be successful at relationships, be a dog.

Say little, listen a lot, and don't poop on the carpet

Both me and my girlfriend are submissive

we are still working out the kinks of our relationship

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Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear

At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

A few minutes after she was hired, the boss and the secretary got up from the couch in the office and started dressing.

"I want to confess", the secretary says as she lifts her pants.

"I hope it does not mess up our relationship after what has just happened on the couch. But I don't really type as fast as I said in the interview."

"It's okay", the new boss replies, "I want to confess, too, and I hope it...

They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy.

Now all of my relationships are platonic.

Was holding a crab when it started pinching me

My mom told me to let it go. I replied “no, this is the least abusive relationship I’ve ever been in.”

My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing"

Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"

I’ve tried asking for relationship advice on Reddit

I learnt many ways to file a divorce instead

Long distance relationship

A woman and a man met on Tinder and began a long distance relationship. They would communicate everyday but their distance was always 1548km apart. Eventually, the woman could no longer bear the distance apart and asked for a break up. The man said nothing. The next day, the woman noticed the distan...

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

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A hot single woman wants a strong relationship

She makes a post on a dating site saying that she is looking for a nice guy who wont hit her, wont run away, and is good in bed. A week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door, looks down and sees a guy with no arms and legs in front of her .he lady is confused and asks the guy who is he and w...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

A relationship should be 50/50. She eats her dinner while I look at her. Then I eat my dinner while she looks at me.

We both have only one pair of dentures.

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I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

I had an on-again, off-again relationship with a classical conductor.

It didn't work out though, we could never get the timing right.

There once was a bee

He was a very charming and funny bee. But when he saw this beeutiful girl bee, he changed. He got shy when ever she was a around. He couldn’t look her in the eye, or even buzz a few words to her beefore feeling sick. Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t meant to bee, so he gave up on her. He retur...

Gravity and I have a horrible relationship.

It’s always trying to keep me down.

I just ended a decent relationship with my gf

That's the last time i trust reddit.

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

My relationship is like an iPhone.

I don't have an iPhone.

When two women are in a relationship together...

...how do they know which one is always right?

At His second coming to Earth, Jesus asks the people: "Do you know who I am?"

They responded: "You are the eschatological manifestation of the deepness of our being. You are the enigma that gives sense to all our interpersonal relationships. You are the cosmological fabric that keeps our minds and our world together."

Jesus goes "Wha..?"

So I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices...

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

Relationships are like fat people

most of of them dont work out

Partners of women with a hearing problem are in the happiest relationship.

They always say, "Come again?"

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

You know, just based on my “relationship resume,” on paper, I’m a great catch!

In practice, however, I’m more catch and release.

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

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Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

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Spicy relationship

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she...

Girlfriend: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

Boyfriend: “Our relationship is what? Over.”

My girlfriend thinks I treat our relationship like a game

Unfortunately that cost her 37 points

(Disclaimer: this isn’t my original joke, it’s from some mobile game I used to play)

My friend just told me a long boring story about an incestuous relationship.

It was such an auntie climax.

The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...

They had no chemistry et. al.

If you're unhappy when single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness come from DRUGS not relationships.

I just ended a 5 year relationship

don’t worry, it wasn’t mine

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

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How do you classify the relationship between nude beaches and non nude beaches?

Tangenital

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What is it called when penis is the most important part of a relationship

A dick-tatorship

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