I'm making a graph of all my old relationships

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

What do you call a relationship with a dead hooker?

-
-
-
-
-

A Necromance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband‘s voice right.

What do relationship advice and communist propaganda have in common?

There are loads of red flags involved.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I learned what compromise is in a relationship.

When she asks for a 10" dick, I offer to meet her halfway.

How is husband-wife relationship working

Before the wedding, man is talking, woman is listening.

Soon after the wedding, woman is talking, man is listening.

10 years after the wedding, both man and woman are talking, neighbors are listening.

Not good at relationships

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her... instead, I swam up to the surface.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long distance relationships are hard...

I haven’t seen my girl for a month and worst I haven’t had sex for a couple of weeks...









—Jose Cervantes

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

What's the only thing that can ruin your perfect relationship with your crush?

The alarm clock

How can you destroy your relationships with your family?

Adoption papers

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

I have a complex relationship

My girlfriend is imaginary

I like my relationships like my whisky

On the rocks

My girlfriend and I are in an open relationship.

One of these days I’ll let her know about it.

I just ended a 5 years relationship...

Good thing it wasn't mine

She: Our relationship is over

He: Our relationship is what........ Over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daily puns until I get a relationship #1

My dog recently gave birth to a litter of puppies, and one of them is always fighting his siblings. He’s such a son of a bitch

Daily puns until I get a relationship #2

A tomato and a head of lettuce we’re having a race. The tomato was not very fast, so he was far behind.

One of the spectators said to his friend: “Lettuce hope that the tomato will ketchup to the lettuce, or else my wife will win the bet and I will have to give her head.”

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daily puns until I enter a relationship #3

What does a horny skeleton get?

A boner.

Old relationships are a lot like algebra...

have you ever looked at your x and wondered y?

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

A man said "My wife and I know everything about each other! We have the perfect relationship!"

His co-worker then replied "Well, what are the color of her eyes?"

The man, who never paid attention to his wifes eye colour, after work went home to see the colour of this wifes eyes.

Upon entering his bedroom, he saw his wife sitting on the bed, staring at him with her eyes wide ope...

I had an on-again, off-again relationship with a classical conductor.

It didn't work out though, we could never get the timing right.

A relationship should be 50/50. She eats her dinner while I look at her. Then I eat my dinner while she looks at me.

We both have only one pair of dentures.

Long distance relationship

A woman and a man met on Tinder and began a long distance relationship. They would communicate everyday but their distance was always 1548km apart. Eventually, the woman could no longer bear the distance apart and asked for a break up. The man said nothing. The next day, the woman noticed the distan...

I just ended a decent relationship with my gf

That's the last time i trust reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To be successful at relationships, be a dog.

Say little, listen a lot, and don't poop on the carpet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

You know, just based on my “relationship resume,” on paper, I’m a great catch!

In practice, however, I’m more catch and release.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear

At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

I made a graph showing my past relationships

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis

This quarantine has been going on so long, my relationship with the gym has been slipping.

I've had to start calling it the James again.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Spicy relationship

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she...

When two women are in a relationship together...

...how do they know which one is always right?

Gravity and I have a horrible relationship.

It’s always trying to keep me down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hot single woman wants a strong relationship

She makes a post on a dating site saying that she is looking for a nice guy who wont hit her, wont run away, and is good in bed. A week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door, looks down and sees a guy with no arms and legs in front of her .he lady is confused and asks the guy who is he and w...

Girlfriend: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

Boyfriend: “Our relationship is what? Over.”

My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing"

Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices...

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

Relationships are like fat people

most of of them dont work out

Partners of women with a hearing problem are in the happiest relationship.

They always say, "Come again?"

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you classify the relationship between nude beaches and non nude beaches?

Tangenital

My girlfriend thinks I treat our relationship like a game

Unfortunately that cost her 37 points

(Disclaimer: this isn’t my original joke, it’s from some mobile game I used to play)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when penis is the most important part of a relationship

A dick-tatorship

I broke off my relationship with my cross-eyed girlfriend

She was seeing someone on the side

Friend: You give the best relationship advices, but why are you single.

Me: Coaches don't play.

The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...

They had no chemistry et. al.

I would never cheat in a relationship,

because that would require two people to find me attractive.

I love hearing "we" and "our" in our relationship.

Communism is OUR fetish.

If you're unhappy when single, you won't be happy in a relationship.

Happiness come from DRUGS not relationships.

A man walks into a bar, broken up about his past relationship

The man orders a drink and catches the attention of another man sitting at his table. They engage in a conversation and started talking about tennis. Out of nowhere, the man said:
"What's the meaning of love?"


"Nothing." The man's new friend responded.
Crying, the man ran out ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

I keep getting unlucky in relationships. My last girlfriend had no personality

And the previous one had 3

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship

But still i wish she hadn't one

Which animal is not faithful in a relationship?

Cheetah

How to get a relationship

1)Buy a sheep
2)Name it relation
3)Now you have a relationsheep

Looking for a relationship is like finding a new job...

People are way more interested when you already have one already and want 5+ years experience with a laundry list of impossible qualifications for an entry level position.

My friend just told me a long boring story about an incestuous relationship.

It was such an auntie climax.

Golden showers are the only litmus test for a relationship.

How else will you know urine love?

So I made a graph of all my past relationships...

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

What do you call it when you are clearly in the right, but have to admit you were wrong?

A man in a relationship.

I treat relationships like math problems

Once I get confused I start cheating.

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly.

“I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.”


His new bride...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man and old woman...

...are living in a nursing home. They are both 90 and neither have been married before. They decide to tie the knot so they can comfort each other in their final years. The woman hides her heart condition from her suitor because she is afraid it may cause him to reconsider.

On their wedding ...

I asked an old couple for relationship tips and the wife said "tell him a fruit joke..."

And if he doesn't appreciate fruit jokes you need to let that mango.

What starts with Y that also ends with Y?

A relationship.

I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....

Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship

My girlfriend is very insecure about relationships

It probably didn't help when I told her I've never broken up with a girl who wasn't pregnant.

I got drunk and drew up a graph showing all of the relationships I've ever had.

It had an ex axis, and a why axis.

Why are pirate relationships so unstable?

It's because they arghhhue a lot :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum...

Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other's needs.

Heidi was game and a very nice sexual relationship began. 

After several months, the guy approac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to my girl the other day, and I told her I came up with a poetic analogy for our relationship.

“You’re like my phone case,” I told her.

“Aww, what does that mean?”

“I paid $20 just to fuck you up.”

A relationship is alot like ea games

It starts off great until the microtransactions come in

If your relationship is an on and off relationship...

..it’s just the demon’s kid playing with the switches.

Relationships are like EA

It’s all good until finances roll in

Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine:

In one month divorce rates will spike.
In 9 months birth rates will spike.
In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens.

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what would you call it when holmes and watson have sex?

they would be in a holmosexual relationship

I just got out of an abusive relationship

Long story short, I’m going to jail

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a jellyfish attack and spicing up a relationship have in common?

They are both reasons I pissed on my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman are in a new relationship discussing boundaries

The man says: So... What about sex? Is that on the table?

The woman says: no its in the bed

Why can’t tennis players be in relationships?

Because love means nothing to them.

My friend asked how my long distance relationship was going

Me: so far, so good.

A groom ran out during his wedding...

His heart wasn’t in the relationship anymore and he couldn’t go through with it, so he ran out just before the vows.

The wedding party, along with everyone in attendance, was in shock.

The bride’s father convinced everyone that since he already paid for the reception, everyone should...

All my relationships were like communism..

They never succeeded.

Johnny and Lorraine met when they where 18 years old

Through the years their relationship blossomed and evolved from friends to lovers to eventually that of a husband and wife.


Alas, as is often the case their relationship was heavily tested. 10 years after getting married to Lorraine, Johnny met a woman named Clearly and started develop...

What game ruins most relationships?

Russian Roulette

My wife said I talk about Star Wars too much, and wants to end out relationship.

“May divorce be with you” I replied.

Relationships are like squared numbers

If their under 13, do them in your head.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.