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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

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When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

A person decided to buy a horse from a monk

So, he paid the priced and got very excited to ride it. "Hyah!" he said. But the horse didn’t move. So, he asks the monk,"Why won't the horse go?". The monk replied,"This horse is a religious horse. If you say ' Thank god', it will start moving. If you say ' All the praise be to god', it will stop.<...

Anyone wanna buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

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A woman goes into a greengrocers to buy some broccoli.

She looks all around the store, but can't see any broccoli anywhere, so she asks the grocer.

He replies, "I'm sorry, but we're out of broccoli today. Perhaps some cauliflower would do instead?"

The lady ponders for a moment. "No, I'm afraid cauliflower won't work. Two heads of broccoli...

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A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie

The man decides to try it out at the dinner table

Dad: Son, where were you during school today

Son: at school

The robot slaps the son

Son: Okay Okay! I was at home watching a movie!

Dad: what movie?

Son: Kung Fu Panda

The robot slaps the son again<...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

Sarah wanted to buy some trousers for her husband, William, for his birthday.

So she went into the clothes shop and saw some jeans. They were, oddly enough, made of leather.

She thought they looked very nice, and so bought them to give to her husband.

William thought they looked brilliant, thanked her, and put them on. However, he said that they caused him to it...

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Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? responds the worker.

"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

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#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?"

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fu...

My dad left a couple years ago to go buy milk

He’s still at Costco to this day

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The...

A man buys a parrot and take it home

The parrot starts cussing up a storm, so the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After about 5 minutes, the man takes the parrot out and it says...

"Look, I've learned my lesson and will never cuss again, but you've got to tell me something!"

"What's that?" Asked the man

"What...

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.

It’s a complete rip-off.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.

Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat

Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the la...

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy 1 carton of milk, and if they avacados, get six.”

A short time later the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.
He replies, “They had avacados.”

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

Decided to buy two dogs.

I named one 1 and the other 2.
So that way when 1 dies, I have 2 left.

A man buys shoes

After paying, the shoe seller tells him: "the shoes could be tight in the first week."

Man: "I won't wear them for the first week then."

A psychic walks into a dress store to buy a new dress

She tries on a new dress but it just wont fit.









Saleslady: Ma'am, this size just doesn't fit you. May I suggest trying on a large?







Psychic: What do you mean try on a large? I'm a medium!

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I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

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Your wife says you never buy her flowers

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is it true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers!

How much would Greenland pay to buy America?

Nothing. It's a free country.

A man decides to treat himself one day and buys a ticket to the Superbowl.

He bought the ticket the day of and got a seat in the nosebleeds. He arrived a little late to the game and as he was entering the stadium he noticed a man with an empty seat right behind his teams bench. Ever the opportunist he walks over and asks the man if the seat's taken.

"It isn't actual...

I had to buy a new lawn mower today...

Trump departed my old one. I will miss you Jose.

I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite the other day

It was only when I got home I realised I'd picked 7-up

A man buys a scratch-off lottery ticket.

10 minutes after he buys it, he looks at his numbers and sees that he won.

He is so happy, he goes to his wife, and tells her that he won the lottery, and asked her what she wants to do.

The wife said, 'I'm going to take my half, and leave you, to start a new life travelling the world!...

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

A woman goes into a drugstore.

"Do you sell XL condoms?" she asks the pharmacist.

"Yes, of course, family planning is in aisle 5," he replies.

"Thanks," she says, and walks over.

About a half hour later the pharmacist is stocking shelves and sees the woman still standing in aisle 5.

"Did you find the c...

A housewife buys a parrot from a pet store

At the counter, the cashier warns her that the parrot used to live in a brothel and picked up a lot of the language they used.

She takes the parrot back to her house and puts him in a cage. The bird looks around and says "New madame, new house." She's a little surprised, but likes it nonethel...

How does the Pope buy things online?

Papal

I went over to my local beekeeper this morning to buy 10 bees.

After 5 minutes he came back and gave me 11.

I said “I only asked for the 10?!”.

He replied “You’ve got 10, and a freebie”.

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

I might buy you an exploding calculator...

But don't count on it.

To make extra cash, my professor forces all his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

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An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra

An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra , telling her “I want some action tonight”

His wife tells him she wants to go to the pharmacy with him, saying “Well if you’re going to the pharmacy, I might as well go with you and get a tetanus shot”

The old ma...

No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy

They all suck

I went to the pet shop to buy a goldfish the other day...

The shop owner asked me if I wanted an aquarium, I told him I didn't care what star sign it was.

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A mute guy goes to a pharmacy to buy condoms

He walks up to the counter and meets the pharmacist.

"How may I help you?" the pharmacist asks.

The mute guy, unable to speak, simply points at his crotch.

The pharmacist shrugs, not knowing what the man is asking for.

The mute guy points at his crotch again and pulls out...

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

Trump wants to buy Greenland

Trump wants to buy Greenland. That way when climate change removes the last bit of snow from the area, he can proclaim that he achieved what no one else in history could. He made Greenland, green again.

Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

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A fella buys a talking centipede for £5,000

He takes it home in small box.

After 30 mins he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".

The centipede doesn't answer... Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

Getting angry, thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly.

At w...

A teacher is trying to persuade the kids to buy a copy of the class' group picture:

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out: “And there’s our teacher, she’s dead.”

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties."

Husband asks:"Which people?"

A salesman told me to buy a different deer hunting rifle

He told me it was a better bang for your buck

Why does Trump want to buy Greenland?

Because he wants to build an ICE detention center.


...I will see myself out.

What do you get when you buy 13 identical Muppets?

A beakers dozen

Madonna goes into a flower shop and says, "I'd like to buy some flowers please"

"Orchids?"


"No thanks. Just the flowers."

I’d buy a house but I’m afraid I won’t be able to carry the payments.

Buy a lighthouse!

We all know that 6 was afraid of 7 because 789, buy why did 7 eat 9?

Because you should have 3 squared meals a day.

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.


T...

Who buys dates anymore?

They're so outdated.

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

I went to buy an assault rifle today

Astonished by the price, I asked the clerk:

"Do I get a student discount?"

A banker buys 5 tons of NaCl...

Yeah, he's known for his compound interest.

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

A man smokes some weed and goes to buy some protein powder

He gets to the store but realizes that protein powder is super expensive. He decides to steal it, as it was a high whey robbery

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If i ever buy a female dog, ill call her karma.

Because karma's is a bitch

What does a person buy with two left feet in the shoe store?

Flip-Flips

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

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A farmer went to the market to buy a rooster to mate with his hens

Another farmer sold him one and warned him how horny the rooster was.

The farmer took the rooster home and as soon as he put it into the pen, it has sex with every chicken. 10 minutes later it then had sex with every chicken again. Out of fear for the health of his chickens, he put it in a se...

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

a drugaddict was going to buy some drugs from a drug dealer

when they finally met, the drug dealer asked: so... what do want?

client: I want some uh... Coke.

drug dealer: is pepsi ok?

A pirate buys a cheap ship

One day, a pirate decided that it was time to be captain of his own ship. The only problem was that he didn't have much money, only a few gold pieces to his name.

So, he went to the local shipyard and spoke to a salesman. He handed over his gold and was brought a decent sized ship. He didn't ...

A lawyer wanted to buy an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids.

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apar...

A man goes to the gas station to buy some condoms

“That’ll be $3.99” says the clerk, “Would you like a bag?”
I replied, “No, she’s actually quite pretty.”

When is the best time to buy a chicken?

When they're going "Cheep!"

A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

What did the old man say when the local blacksmiths caught him trying to scare everyone away from town so he could buy up all the property for himself?

I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you metaling kids.

A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.

The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the count...

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A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

There was this company names "sofa king". But we didn't buy anything from them because...

the prices were sofa king high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a virgin girl say when she enters a room full of men bidding to buy her virginity?

Hymen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the d...

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On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

I went to the hunting store to buy some camouflage clothing...

But I didn't see anything that I liked.

Why didn't the elephant buy the car?

It didn't have enough trunk space.

I went to pike's market to buy some fresh fish.

Me: can I get a plastic bag for the fish please?

Cashier: it's already inside.

Does anyone want to buy an old theremin?

I haven't touched mine in years

I tell my wife to buy good quality products but she always gets cheap junk.

The only thing in our house that doesn't suck is the vacuum cleaner.

A guy buys a parachute and asks the shop owner..

.. do you accept returns, in case it doesn't work?

A man buys a cow at a market in Minsk

It's a nice, big cow that gives lots of milk. After a while, the man decides that he wants to breed the cow, so he brings the cow to his bull. As soon as the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow steps out of the way! Every time the bull tries, the cow moves just slightly, and the bull fails.

...

A cheaper way to buy a fence.

Buy only one post, let reddit do the rest.

Why did the programmer buy a Jack O' Lantern on Christmas Day?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

-----

^Can't ^remember ^where ^I ^heard ^it ^before

I would never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate.

That’s just nuts!

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..

Talk about short arms long pockets...

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A man buys a lie detecting robot and brings it home.

Whenever the robot detected a lie, it was programmed to slap the shit out of whoever told the lie.

The man sets the dinner table with the robot and invites his family to eat.

The man starts off the dinner by asking his son what he did after school.

The son said: “I stayed after ...

A priest buys a lawn mower at a garage sale

Back at home, he pulls on the rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the garage sale and tells the previous owner "I can't get the mower to start!"

"That's because you have to curse to get it started, says the man."

"I'm a man of the cloth. I don't even remember how...

What kind of bedding can you buy at Walden Pond?

Thoreau pillows!

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

I went to the music shop to buy a violin, the assistant said "Do you want a bow as well?"..

I said "Don't bother wrapping it"...

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Where do the senior army officials buy stuff? A: The General store

Why are the young recruits sexually active? A: They have Private parts

Parent buys an oversized raincoat for child

Child: But its too big

Parent: You'll grow into it

Child:

Parent:

Child: But I don't want to turn into a raincoat

My grandma talking to my mom about her new hearing aid,”its the most expensive one you can buy it,it cost me $5000.” My Mum: ”what kind is it?”

My grandma : “its 4:15 pm darling..”

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