Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fella buys a talking centipede for £5,000

He takes it home in small box.

After 30 mins he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a pint".

The centipede doesn't answer... Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

Getting angry, thinking he's been done, he shouts the question loudly.

At w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He’s a small arms dealer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, l...

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A man buys a lie detecting robot and brings it home.

Whenever the robot detected a lie, it was programmed to slap the shit out of whoever told the lie.

The man sets the dinner table with the robot and invites his family to eat.

The man starts off the dinner by asking his son what he did after school.

The son said: “I stayed after ...

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers.

I didn’t even know she sold them.

A man buys a cow at a market in Minsk

It's a nice, big cow that gives lots of milk. After a while, the man decides that he wants to breed the cow, so he brings the cow to his bull. As soon as the bull tries to mount the cow, the cow steps out of the way! Every time the bull tries, the cow moves just slightly, and the bull fails.

...

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A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race

Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads *Local nun has winning ass*.

She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads *Nun has best ass in town*.

The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seri...

There were three lawyers and three MBAs traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket.

‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks an MBA. ‘Watch and you’ll see’ answers a lawyer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the ...

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers

In all honesty, I didn't know she sold flowers.

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties."

Husband asks:"Which people?"

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

"Honey, why didn't you just go buy a chainsaw at the store?"

"These chainsaws cost an arm and a leg! This one is going to cost only a few fingers!"

A man buys a horse

The man is very religious, so instead of saying, “giddy up,” for the horse to speed up, and “woah there,” for the horse to slow down, he decides to train his horse differently. Whenever he says, “Praise the Lord,” his horse will start running. Whenever he says, “Hallelujah,” the horse will slow down...

Don't buy Ukrainian boxer shorts

Chernobyl fallout!

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all...

After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealers and they send out a technician to her.

The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it.

So he turns to the blonde and asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are usin...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

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I was walking into Best buy...

I was walking into Best Buy when I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

I told my wife I'd buy her something that goes fro 0 - 200 in 4 seconds...

... I bought her a weighing scale... She wasn't too excited!?

"My date hasn't arrived yet, but I would like to buy her a bag of popcorn," I told the cinema assistant.

"Small, medium or large?" he asked.

​

"Large," I replied. "If her picture on Tinder is anything to go by."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So it's a chilly morning in Brno, and everybody 's in line to buy meat.

They're waiting and waiting, and the line's not moving at all.

Eventually a Party official comes out and says "Due to the conspiracy of wreckers, there isn't enough meat. All the Jews need to get off the line".

So the Jews all get off the line and go home, but still everyone's waiting ...

Why should you never buy Soviet underwear?

'Cause Chernobyl fallout

Why was the man digging for coal not allowed to buy a drink?

Because he was a miner.

Mom told dad, "while you're out, buy some milk".

Dad is a programmer.

If Facebook buys Gmail....

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

Where did the builder buy his bricks from?

Wall-mart.

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

What did Snoop Dogg buy in Chinatown?

Faux shizzle.

I think I can finally buy a BMW.

I got a new high paying job with a large bonus. My investments are doing well. And most importantly, I haven't used my turn signal in the last 6 months.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

The other day when I was in my room playing games and watching livestreams, I remembered that it was my mom's birthday and I had totally forgotten to buy a gift for her.

I needed to find something fast and thought that maybe a sweet video would make her happy. Instead of recording myself for the video, I donated 5$ to the streamer and asked if she could count to 50. A moment later she gets the donation and starts counting slowly. I record the section and export the ...

Why don't Antivaxxers buy Panasonic products?

Because without a son it's just Panic

I went to buy a new TV and told the sales guy "I don't care what type it is as long as it's not 3D"

He drew me a picture of one.

It's true that money can't buy happiness;

but happiness cannot buy groceries.

A man buys a talking parrot from the local pet shop.

He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot to say a few things. Instead of repeating him, the parrot just swears at the man. After a few aggravating hours of the same responses from the parrot, the man threatens the bird with a severe punishment.

​

“If you don’t ...

Why did the construction worker buy the Microsoft CD?

To install the windows.

I wouldnt't buy anything with velcro

**I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.**

Why do people in China buy so much chips?

It's the cheapest way to get good clean air.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.

"Do you have any parrots for sale?" asks the woman.

"We only have one left," replies the shopkeeper. "But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."

The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, "My name's Bella and I want ...

What car can anyone buy?

A Ford.

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced ...

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

What does a pig buy if his skin becomes sore?

Oinkment

A woman buys a closet from Ikea

A woman who lives just above an underground station buys a closet from Ikea and tries to build it in her apartment. She gets it built but, before she could get any clothes inside, the underground arrives at the station and the closet collapses.

She doesn't understand how could this happen sin...

A zookeeper wishes to buy some new animals from another wildlife park.

She writes:

Dear sir, We are a recently opened zoo and are looking to purchase 2 mooses. "No that doesn't sound right." She thinks.

We are looking to purchase 2 meese. "No that can't be right either."

Dear sir, I wish to inquire about purchasing a moose. Kind Regards.

P.S...

My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"

He said "about 4:30".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Russian guys buys a car, curtains, and a bed

A russian guy always dreamed of living in The UK, but he had a one problem.. he couldn't say a word in english.. so as a genius he was he decided that he will go to the shops, he will listen to people calling and naming certain things and he'll call'em same. So at the car shop he buys a car and he...

I only buy extra virgin olive oil...

Because I don't know where those other oils have been.

A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance..

The rabbit says "tango?"

He says "nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Winning the lottery

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste...

“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Where do priests buy their sex toys?

At Boys R Us

Murphy runs up to a farmer says he wants to buy a duck.

"Have you got a duck? I need to buy a duck."

Now, the farmer knows Murphy, and knows he's got a bit of a reputation, so he says, "Sure, I've got a lot of ducks. What do you need a duck for?"

"Well, it's Friday; Friday! I've got to get down on Friday!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his friend buy ice cream.

The guy says "I don't want to be racist, but this ice tastes great!"

The friend replies "That is not racist."

"That's what I said. Fucking Romanians, they never listen."

Don`t buy Colgate whitening substance.

It guarantees whiteness within 14 days. It was been 2 weeks and I am still asian...

Money doesn’t buy happiness.

But somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Lamborghini than a bus.

I was at the grocery store deciding if I should buy a $40 jug of whey protein

So I asked my friend, to which he replied:"Just btw"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a pharmancy to buy condoms...

The pharmacist is like "Size?". "Dunno.".

He hands him a board with lots of holes.

"Take this board and try it out in the backroom. "

Half an hour later...

"So which size is it?"

"Fuck the condoms, how much for the board?".

What do you call a bunch of Vietnamese people standing in line to buy lunch?

Pho queue.

What's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'd like to buy some ice cream please...

Ice Cream Man: Sure, what kind would you like?

​

Kid: Um...chocolate

​

Ice Cream Man: Oh, sorry kid. We're out of chocolate. I still have plenty of strawberry and vanilla though.

​

Kid: Um...okay...I'll have...chocolate pleas...

If you had inherited 1 million dollars tomorrow, how would you use it? I would go to the cinema to watch a movie, buy one popcorn and one large drink.

​

Then invest the remaining $3.48.

A Russian went to buy deodorant

"Ball, or aerosol?" the shop assistant asked him.

"No, just for under armpit."

What do you call it when you buy a ticket for a chance to win a spotted, long-necked mammal?

A giraffle.

Why shouldn’t you buy cheap jeans from Northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout.

An Economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife.

While he proudly announced to the Salesgirl that he is an Economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.



The Salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra...

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way,...

I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.

It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.

I was going to buy an invisible sword...

But I don't see the point.

Who do you buy an owl toilet seat for?

A wise ass

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ...

How did the austrailian buy his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For his 50th wedding anniversary, a man decided to buy some lingerie for his wife.

He went to one of the finer stores in town and asked to see some of their nightgowns. When the salesperson brought out the first item he asked how much it was and was told $100. “I’d like something a little more sheer” said the gentleman. The salesperson brought out a second item, whereupon the gent...

I went to the store to buy condoms.

The lady at the counter asked if I needed a bag.

I said "No, that's OK. She's not that ugly."

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

What do you call the guy you buy coffee from in Antartica?

The brrrrrrista.

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Because he wanted to get along little doggy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a dog, the owner asks him, "Would you like a male or a female dog?"

"Bitch please."

I go to the store and buy ten hotdogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas. If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?

No self control

I was at Walmart at this lady was crying because she lost her tax money and couldn't buy for her kids. I gave her $200....

...since I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and I felt that if God has blessed me I should bless someone else.

I wanted to buy a noose on Amazon...

But there are no reviews for it...

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.”

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

“Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” the wife asks.

He replies, “They had avocados.”

A Venezuelan man goes to buy a car.

The car salesman says, “you can pick it up in four years time.”


The man asks, “in the morning or the afternoon?”

Salesman: “does it matter?”

Man: “well the plumber is coming in the afternoon...”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

My wife is divorcing me because I refused to buy her some new bras.

Her attorney calls it “failure to support”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken.

The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”


The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look what it did to me!”


The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the o...

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

I tried to buy a lighter on EBay

But all I found was 379,786 matches...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

Whenever I feel fat, I go into the store and buy a Mini Bic.

Each time, I get a little lighter.

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

My gf was trying to persuade me on what new phone to buy..

She said "It's either my way or Huawei"

So many dads nowadays say they're "going out to buy milk", and then never return.

Oh well, at least our moms still have the milkman: he doesn't just come and leave, he also brings the milk.

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

I went to a drug convention hoping to buy the drugs I saw on Breaking Bad. Too bad I couldn’t find any. All the dealers kept gossiping about two people I didn’t know.

Who cares if Chris told Meth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer buys a new rooster to replace his old rooster

The new cocky rooster arrives and proclaims "stand aside old man, you're done! I'm in charge here".

The old rooster replies, "I may be done, but the rule here is; whoever wins a race around this farm is the one who will be in charge"!

The young rooster agrees knowing he will win eas...

You know why deaf people don't buy new products?

They've never heard of them

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