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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

[NSFW] What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A bloody rip off.

Did you hear? The new Nvidia RTX 3080Ti has been announced, it has a $1,200 retail price which is pretty cheap really. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to buy one..

As I can only afford $3,000.

Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?

Because they've got so many Berbers!

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

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A man was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too shor...

What do you call a dirt-cheap brothel in Britain?

Pound town

The stereotype of Persians used to be that they’re very cheap.

A Persian man’s wife died. After the burial he called the newspaper to write the obituary.

“Put ‘Sarah died’” he said

*Sir, you’re not paying us by word, it’s a flat rate... you can write a whole sentence if you like.*

“Put ‘Sarah died yesterday’”

*Sir, you can add six mo...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

What do skinny jeans and a cheap hotel have in common?

There's no ballroom.

Friend told me this a couple years ago. I was reminded today, by wearing skinny jeans and tugging at my crotch the entire time.

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What do you call a cheap prostitute who does her job well?

A good bang for your buck

If you're ever getting a circumcision don't go for the cheap option

It's usually a rip off

My date saw my bottom shelf tequila selection and made fun of me for being cheap and poor

They were definitely cheap shots.

Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama?

Family discount.

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

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In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink?

Blood Light

Why are Ford cars cheap?

Because they’re affordable.

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Why are prostitutes so cheap?

They have a hole sale business!

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

Last night I was just browsing the web when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights.” I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my fly and gave me a tremendous blowie!

Don't ask me why though. She’s never shown any interest in darts before this.

Buy a cheap phone, but don't buy a cheap car

Buy No*kia*

Why didn't Gandalf bring hookers to Bilbo's birthday party?

Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

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Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe ...

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

A rich, but cheap father was putting together a birthday celebration for his daughter.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it o...

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

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Why are cheap dudes picky on prostitutes?

Because they want the best bang for their buck.

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A husband and wife are having money trouble and decide the wife needs to work the streets as a hooker.

Two days later she comes back with $225.25. The husband says "that's good, but what cheap bastard gave you 25 cents?" The wife responds "all of them"

Matthew: I just bought a cheap doormat that says farewell.

Tim: Sounds like a good buy, Matt!

I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.

He was as good as his word. The funeral is Thursday.

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, b...

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People always say talk is cheap.

I always ask them to tell that to my therapist.

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

A man goes into a pet store and demands an amazing pet for a very cheap price

The shop keeper says "I have a talking fox for only £20" the man exclaims " foxes can't talk!" While he's rambling on the fox puts his paw up on the desk and says "actually I can talk... I've written 3 books and I climbed up mount Everest for the 2nd time yesterday!" The man says "wow he's amazing, ...

I have a cheap mirror hanging up that bends when it gets hot.

Anything over 30° and my self-esteem is shattered.




I hope this hits the front page after someone reposts it with Fahrenheit.

i saw an ad for a cheap home sound system with the volume stucked on high

I couldn’t turn it down

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There's a cheap prostitute in town who works the corner by McDonald's

Quarter? Pound her.

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

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Where do you get a cheap prostitute?

Bottom Dollar

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

I bought a very cheap vacuum cleaner from a sale

What do you expect? It sucks.

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Cheap parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "Why is he so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I h...

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What do you call a cheap blowjob?

a low blow

Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe?

A little goes a long way

3d Jigsaw on the cheap..

..bag of frozen fries, re-assemble the potatoes.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned

who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

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Mercedes for Sale @ $1

Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1.
She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.

As the old man was leaving, he said "I would...

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Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

You know what they say about getting cheap circumcisions.

It'll be a rip-off.

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A guy finishes shopping at the supermarket and goes to the register.

As he checks out, the girl takes notice of the items he is buying: cat food, a TV dinner for one, and a bottle of cheap wine.

The girl asks the man, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

The man, sensing a possible flirt, asks, "Why yes I am, how could you tell?"

The girl looks him...

I started a soil business recently.

I wonder why no one's buying anything. Everything's dirt-cheap.

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A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and ...

If you're nice to me, I'll sell you an action camera for really cheap.

It's a Quid GoPro.

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

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A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?

No ballroom.

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In an old age home...

90 year old Sean : I miss Sex life so much.
75 year old Tina:

How can I help?

Sean : I'd feel good if you could just hold my di*k.

So Tina held his di*k, and they kept talking all night.

This continued every night for two weeks.

Then one day Tina saw Sean w...

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never buying cheap toilet paper again.

Did you hear about the new blond paint?

Well it's not very bright but it's cheap and it spreads easy.

Costco is like my ex

Cheap and giving free samples to everyone

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What do call a cheap male pornstar

5$ foot long.

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A hungry drifter walks down a country road, and spots a small farmhouse. Looking for a bite, he knocks on the door, and a cheap, stingy farmer answers...

The drifter says, “Well hello, sir! Say, I’m mighty hungry, might you have something I could eat?”
The farmer replies, “No sir, I have nothing to spare.”
The drifter says, “Well then, I noticed you have some Honeysuckle growing out in your fields....mind if I go get myself some honey?”
The...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

I wanted to buy a skateboard, but it was too cheap!

What cheapskates.

What does a cheap circumcision have in common with a really expensive one?

They’re both rip offs.

National Bank of USA decides to save some money on coin making...

so they buy a cheap coin making machine made in China.

Soon enough, it stops working, and the bank sends an engineer to fix it. As he looks into the machine, he realises that the hardware is completely different from american, and he does not understand anything about this Chinese coin making...

The high prices in the stores are like a cheap circumcision...

A rip-off

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There is a smiling security guard in the bathroom at the strip club i go to... [Long]

Night or day doesnt matter, you go in and he just stares you down while you’re using the pisser with the biggest smile on his face.

Ive tried talking to him several times but he just stands there and smiles like the queens guard or some shit. I figured i would test him a bit and see what i c...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a free drink if I show you something amazing?"

The bartender agrees so he pulls out a tiny piano, a frog and a hamster. The hamster starts playing the piano and the frog starts singing Adele. As the bartender gets him his drink a punter asks him "how much for the singing frog?" The man replies "I'll sell him for £100 if you want?" And the punter...

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?

Get the quarter back.

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

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Jimmy's wife won't orgasm

Jimmy's wife has never had an orgasm in bed with him.

It begins to annoy him so he goes to the doctor and asks for help. The doctor has an odd suggestion - that sometimes women are too warm and this impedes the process. So all he has to do is buy a fan and put it in the room, and it'll solve ...

How did you get circumcised? My parents went for the cheap option.

It was a ripoff.

Why are circumcisions cheap in Israel?

Because rabbis work for tips.

Part Jewish here 🇮🇱

What do you call a cheap hooker?

A quarter pounder.

Dead bird for sale, not going cheap

After long term illness my obese parrot died yesterday. Whilst deeply upsetting, it is a weight off my shoulder.

What does Kentucky Fried Chicken and me trying to stretch out my last roll of cheap toilet paper have in common?

They're both finger licking good.

I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

A guy goes to stay at a cheap hotel.

He orders a 5 AM wake up call for the next day.

Next day, the phone doesn't ring till 5:30AM.

He calls reception and complains about it saying that if he had a million dollar deal, he would've lost it due to their negligence.

The receptionist says that if he had a million dollar...

I heard the flights to China are super cheap

They might be as low as Tencent.

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A drunken man who smelled like beer say down on the subway next to a priest...

The man’s tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.He opened his newspaper and began reading.After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”The priest repli...

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Fred and Ray go to the liquor store to buy a cheap bottle of booze

Once n the store, they discover that they only have $1.50 between the two of them.

Ray says, 'I've got an idea', and goes next door to the butcher shop and comes back with a polish sausage. 'here Fred, stick this in your pants, I know how we can drink all night for free'.

"What the hel...

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A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

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