This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

Those pants are like a cheap hotel

No ballroom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember when McDonalds used to serve cheap, crappy food? I went in for the first time in years and I was surprised how much it had changed.

It’s actually quite expensive now.

Never trust a cheap hooker.

She'll turn on a dime.

I bought a cheap yardstick that can only be used flat on a table...

It really doesn't measure up.

In a small town near Dracholt, the only cow in the town stopped giving milk

After some research, the town folk learned that they could buy one in Aubin, another town near Dracholt, for cheap. The cow was wonderful. Everyone was happy as she produced lots of milk every day. They also got a bull to mate with the cow, so they'd never have to worry about cows or milk anymore....

They say talk is cheap.

But my phone bill is through the roof.

The cheap date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend keeps complaining how cheap I am, so today out of the blue I surprised her by taking her out for drinks and cookies and pie," he tells the bartender. "Was she surprised?" the bartender asks. "I definitely think so," the guy replies. "Turns out...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a bungee jumper and hooker have in common?

They are fast, cheap and if the rubber snaps your fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner for something amazing but also cheap

The owner says that he has a talking fox for only £20. The man says "How rediculous, foxes can't talk and even if they could why would you sell him so cheap?!". While he's asking this a fox comes over, puts his paw on the desk as if to interrupt and says "Actually I can talk. I've written 3 books an...

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple walks into a bar and the husband asks for whatever is on tap and cheap...

...the bartender reaches for the cheap stuff and pours them Busch. They drink a little bit and seem satisfied as the wife asks her husband,

"What beer is this? Who makes it?"

The husband, unsure due to his vague order asks the bartender "Hey, who makes this beer? My wife is curious."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

The Cheap Businessman

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
"That’s a bit much," says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.
"That’s st...

Did you hear? The new Nvidia RTX 3080Ti has been announced, it has a $1,200 retail price which is pretty cheap really. Unfortunately I don’t think I’ll be able to buy one..

As I can only afford $3,000.

My rich neighbour just had a private ice rink built!

I said to him "Can I have a go?" and he said "Yeah, but it'll cost you a dollar"

I thought: what a cheap skate.

Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama?

Family discount.

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are prostitutes so cheap?

They have a hole sale business!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too shor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a really cheap male prostitute?

Five dollar footlong.

So this guy goes to a confectioner... (long)

(A confectioner makes objects out of candy or chocolate, in case you didn't know)

So this guy goes to a confectioner, placing an order for a VW Beetle made from chocolate. Scale, 1:32

"That won't be cheap" the confectioner says. "Money's no issue" the customer replies. "And it'll take ...

Three guys are talking, the first guy says...

..."I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn." And the second guy says, "Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort." And the third guy says, "I got you both beat. I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cheap prostitute who does her job well?

A good bang for your buck

What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink?

Blood Light

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

If you're ever getting a circumcision don't go for the cheap option

It's usually a rip off

Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?

Because they've got so many Berbers!

Last night I was just browsing the web when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights.” I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my fly and gave me a tremendous blowie!

Don't ask me why though. She’s never shown any interest in darts before this.

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

Where do music loving cats go to for vacation

Sing-a-purr
(I know it’s cheap, I’ll see myself out)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Real or Fake???

### Real or fake

I walked into the store the other day, and immediately noticed the girl working there. She was conventionally attractive and had really big breasts. I mean, really big.


I was just there to browse around, but I couldn't help myself. Something made me go over to th...

What do skinny jeans and a cheap hotel have in common?

There's no ballroom.

Friend told me this a couple years ago. I was reminded today, by wearing skinny jeans and tugging at my crotch the entire time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

Buy a cheap phone, but don't buy a cheap car

Buy No*kia*

I asked my partner what sort of engagement ring she'd like.

"One that's a bit like you," she said.

"Full of sparkle?"

"Cheap and round," she replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mercedes for Sale @ $100

Mercedes for Sale @ $100
Someone put up this advertisement.
No one believed it could be true so no one responded, but an old man responded and went to see the car.
The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 Kms, for $100.
She handed him the papers and the car keys....

Pick-Up Line Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?"Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go...

Two guys immigrate to Alabama

Two guys immigrate to Alabama and decide to have a small bet regarding which one of them can integrate better. They decide to meet in one year to decide the results.

After one year they meet up and the first guy goes: ''Every sunday I go to church and then Walmart. I only eat chicken, shrimps...

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a cheap prostitute in town who works the corner by McDonald's

Quarter? Pound her.

A farmer is caught in a huge storm

He starts praying and swears to god that if he gets out alive,he will sell his only horse and give all of the money to his local church.
Miraculously, he survives, and the next day, he goes to the market to sell his horse. A client then shows up and asks :
-how much for that horse ?

-oh...

I bought a used Lamborghini cheap with hopes of making a quick buck. My friend offered to flip it for me.

He was as good as his word. The funeral is Thursday.

I want it my way

I told my wife she can only get an iPhone, but if she isn't going to get one then I'm just getting her a cheap Android phone. She tried to argue with me, but I wouldn't have it.

I said, "Baby... it's my way or the Huawei."

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People always say talk is cheap.

I always ask them to tell that to my therapist.

A rich, but cheap father was putting together a birthday celebration for his daughter.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are cheap dudes picky on prostitutes?

Because they want the best bang for their buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The No Poo Kangaroo

You know how you can buy booze cheap at the airport in foreign countries? Well this world traveler told me that some airports also sell exotic animals. He was in Australia recently and decided to buy the cutest kangaroo. He took it home and a few weeks later noticed that his furry friend hadn't p...

When you pay a lot for an "antique" chair and then find out that it's just a cheap modern chair that the seller roughed up,

that's distressing.

i saw an ad for a cheap home sound system with the volume stucked on high

I couldn’t turn it down

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe?

A little goes a long way

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cheap blowjob?

a low blow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

I have a cheap mirror hanging up that bends when it gets hot.

Anything over 30° and my self-esteem is shattered.




I hope this hits the front page after someone reposts it with Fahrenheit.

You know what they say about getting cheap circumcisions.

It'll be a rip-off.

I bought a very cheap vacuum cleaner from a sale

What do you expect? It sucks.

Sandbox games

The newlyweds and young parents in town discover that the fine sand in the nearby nature resort makes for excellent sandbox sand. So people go in to get a big cart of sand and make some cheap garden sandboxes for their children. The park rangers forbid this and nobody can steal sand anymore. This gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

Why are circumcisions cheap in Israel?

Because rabbis work for tips.

Part Jewish here 🇮🇱

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hungry drifter walks down a country road, and spots a small farmhouse. Looking for a bite, he knocks on the door, and a cheap, stingy farmer answers...

The drifter says, “Well hello, sir! Say, I’m mighty hungry, might you have something I could eat?”
The farmer replies, “No sir, I have nothing to spare.”
The drifter says, “Well then, I noticed you have some Honeysuckle growing out in your fields....mind if I go get myself some honey?”
The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cheap parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "Why is he so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I h...

3d Jigsaw on the cheap..

..bag of frozen fries, re-assemble the potatoes.

I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday.

Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

What does a cheap circumcision have in common with a really expensive one?

They’re both rip offs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

If you're nice to me, I'll sell you an action camera for really cheap.

It's a Quid GoPro.

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Dave is hanging out with his friend Steve at a bar

Dave is really down in the dumps so Steve asks him what’s up.

Dave: “My wife has been making me pay for sex!”

Steve: “Really? How much does she charge you?”

Dave: “$50 every time!”

Steve: “Wow, you’re lucky!”

Dave: “Lucky!? How could you say that!?”

Steve: ...

I wanted to buy a skateboard, but it was too cheap!

What cheapskates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do call a cheap male pornstar

5$ foot long.

What is the object of American football played by really cheap people?

Get the quarter back.

The high prices in the stores are like a cheap circumcision...

A rip-off

How did you get circumcised? My parents went for the cheap option.

It was a ripoff.

What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.