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Cheap Jokes

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Cheap Sex

A couple, both age 77, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have ...

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

My grandpa's so cheap...

When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

My wife claims that I'm cheap

But I'm not buying it

If you find $60-80 to be too expensive for ancestry DNA kits, I have a cheap alternative...

Announce that you won the lottery and you'll quickly find relatives you never knew you had!

What's the difference between a highly paid lawyer doing meth in a penthouse and a cheap hooker doing meth in a motel?

About 6 months.

What does a cheap motel and tight jeans have in common?

No ball room

What’s expensive and dirt cheap at the same time?

Fresh grad

Cheap cow...

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to m...

A cheap man dropped a penny from the fifth floor

When he came down to pick it up he couldn't find it and was about to go crazy.

5 seconds later the penny reached the ground.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

I was in the “cheap seats” at the Rodeo and I began to heckle the people in front because they were getting splashed by mud…

…boy, did I get some dirty looks.

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Cheap parrot

A woman decides she wants to buy a pet so she heads down to the local pet store. After a bit of browsing, she fixes her attention on a lovely talking parrot on sale for only $10. The clerk tells her the parrot's going cheap because it used to live in a house of ill repute so it may not be the most f...

My dad told me never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club, because you'll see something you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day ...

Is he cheap?

He'd marry a thin girl because she could wear a smaller sized engagement ring.



Source: 1913 newspaper

What does a pair of Levi's and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.

Once you start buying cheap brakes.....

You won't be able to stop

A guy in an old, cheap car

Stopped at a gas station beside the latest Mercedes driven by a rich man. The first guy says "that's a nice car you got here, but my car is better". The second guy smiles and asks calmly "and how it is better?" The guy replies "well, my car comes with a genie" the guy with the Mercedes sarcastically...

Skinny jeans are like a cheap hotel.

There’s no ballroom.

Why is Only Fans so cheap in Alabama?

Family discount.

The cheap date

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "My girlfriend keeps complaining how cheap I am, so today out of the blue I surprised her by taking her out for drinks and cookies and pie," he tells the bartender. "Was she surprised?" the bartender asks. "I definitely think so," the guy replies. "Turns out...

The Cheap Businessman

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.
"That’s a bit much," says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.
"That’s st...

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A man was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too shor...

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

Buy a cheap phone, but don't buy a cheap car

Buy No*kia*

Got a variable rate mortgage on a haunted house and a cheap psychic to cleanse the spirits.

A month later it was repossessed.

someone offered me a cheap circumcision so i accepted

it was a ripoff

Homeopathic remedies should be cheap.

They are bottles of water that used to have some medicine in it. You should be able to pay for it with a wallet that used to have money in it.

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

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Why are prostitutes so cheap?

They have a hole sale business!

I once worked at a cheap pizzeria to get by.

I kneaded the dough.

Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

They say talk is cheap.

But my phone bill is through the roof.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

Cheap pastor

A cheap pastor had a church with significant need of a paint job. The estimate calls for 100 gallons of white latex paint but he decided to buy only one 20 gallon can he knows latex paint can be thinned with water. So he diluted 1:1 and it still coats and looks white. So he dilutes again to stret...

What kind of cheap beer do vampires drink?

Blood Light

Why are circumcisions cheap in Israel?

Because rabbis work for tips.

Part Jewish here 🇮🇱

Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe?

A little goes a long way

What do you call cheap apartments in the Middle East?

Low rents of Arabia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cheap prostitute who does her job well?

A good bang for your buck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People always say talk is cheap.

I always ask them to tell that to my therapist.

Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?

Because they've got so many Berbers!

My wife's gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I've become since we got married.

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

The Wife caught me on the Internet last night. She said “ What are you looking for “.?… “Cheap Flights” I said….and she started jumping around all excited like…..

Which I found rather strange,, she’s never shown any interest in darts before.

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

What do you call a cheap wig?

A small price toupee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do you get a cheap prostitute?

Bottom Dollar

My girlfriend keeps calling me cheap

But I ain't buying it

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

If you're ever getting a circumcision don't go for the cheap option

It's usually a rip off

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Cheap parrot

Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "Why is he so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I h...

3d Jigsaw on the cheap..

..bag of frozen fries, re-assemble the potatoes.

I bought my Dad a cheap dictionary for Christmas.

He couldn't find the right words to thank me.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.


Bonus: Also, how do you circumcise a red neck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

If you’re going to make fun of Crytpo Bros today make sure to use cheap shots.

That’s all they can afford.

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a cheap guy at a restaurant and a worker packaging silicone breast implants?

One's a shitty tipper....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a really cheap male prostitute?

Five dollar footlong.

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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Why are cheap dudes picky on prostitutes?

Because they want the best bang for their buck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

I got in touch with my inner self today.

I'm never using cheap toilet paper again.

What do you call a cheap hooker?

A quarter pounder.

An amputee found a cheap artificial arm for sale on Amazon...

It was secondhand.

Dead bird for sale, not going cheap

After long term illness my obese parrot died yesterday. Whilst deeply upsetting, it is a weight off my shoulder.

The hooker I go to is super cheap,

I get a family discount

I bought a cheap yardstick that can only be used flat on a table...

It really doesn't measure up.

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What do call a cheap male pornstar

5$ foot long.

You know what they say about getting cheap circumcisions.

It'll be a rip-off.

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