After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

Sam walks into his boss’s office.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

“By the way”, asks the...

I started a company...

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What’s the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest?

The Chilean mining company gets its miners stuck in a shaft. The Catholic priest gets its shaft stuck in a minor.

I just bought 10,000 kW of electricity from this one company.

They charged me a lot.

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

I signed up for my company’s 401k

But I don’t think I can run that far.

What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

You could join an angling company that pays 10k a day

but, it seems kind of fishy and theres a catch to it

(btw angling is a synonym of fishing)

I was trying to get storm insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”

My career has many perks. For example, my company just sent me abroad.

I wasn't comfortable with it though, so I sent her back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

A farmer was in an accident with a trucking company and finally decided his injuries were serious enough to take the company to court.

In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning the farmer and asked, “Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”

The farmer responded, “Well let me tell you what happened. I had just loaded my mule into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupte...

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits

​

I'll leave now

I was surprised when my boss told me that our company was bought by a millionaire from Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition

John, the owner of a small company, just moved into a new office.

After settling in, he decides to message his friend. "Jim," he wrote,"I finally moved out of that dingy old office and just moved into a new one."
Happy to hear this news, Jim orders a bouquet of flowers to send to John's new location. The next day, a bouquet of flowers shows up at the office wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My buddy started an amputee porn production company.

He calls it XYX.

Bob has a small company. One day, one of his employees, Kevin, dies

Bob and his wife go to the funeral. On the way back home, she asks him:

"Dear, you know my brother is a little lazy, but he's been looking for a good opportunity. Do you think he could replace Kevin?" Bob answers:

"It's ok for me, but we would have to talk with the graveyard administ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the crappiest video game company?

Diarr-EA.

I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company

He was quite charmin, I must say.

A company decides to build a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place.

A bunch of people were really upset about this, and you can't really blame them. I mean, who wants to be enjoying a nice family outing only to look across the street and see some losers playing mini-golf?

What do you call a desert towing company?

A camel tow

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

My company recently hired Frankenstein’s monster to run our HR department. He’s surprisingly good at it.

Turns out he’s a real people person.

A man owns a company that sells cologne that doesn’t smell.

It doesn’t make sense, cents, or scents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The company Apple is just like a prostitute.

You give them your money and they'll fuck you over.

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

I was going to start a camouflage plane company

But I just can’t see it taking off

After coming to work this morning, all of us were shocked to find out that our firm has been taken over by a company in Madrid.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment

Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The japanese company Subaru is releasing an electric remodel of the Subaru Legacy

it's called Legacy 2 electric subaru

Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?

Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.

Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..

We screw, we nut, we bolt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

I didn't get the job at the sunscreen company.

They said you can always reapply.

After once again being unable to pay my bill, the water company sent me a card this morning.

Get Well Soon

Why did Elon Musk name his company Spacex?

Because Spacey was touching kids

A matematician, a philosopher and an accountant are applying for an important position within a prestigious company

During the interview the CEO askes each of them a simple question: how much is 2+2?

The matematician: Definitely 4, no doubt about it!

The philosopher: The answer in itself is not important, what matters is why did the question manifest itself.

The accountant, leaning forward an...

My company issued us new ladders.

They were cheaply made and barely supported 100lb of weight, but when I posted a picture to Reddit it got taken down by the mods.

I forgot to mark it as NSFW.

What do you call a nun employed by your company?

Nun of your business.

My company has just decided we won’t test our products on animals anymore

We make hammers.

I recently brought a car with a new company called Bargain.

As the name suggests, they’re cheap. Tires aren’t great and it’s not very efficient. Worst of all are the seats. I mean, they’re uncomfortable and really flat. Anyway, I picked up my friend one day, and I was telling her all about Bargain. She too clocked the flatness of the seats. When we arrived a...

A bunch of people got sick at the company where I work.

It was a staff infection.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

During a recent password audit by a company...

...it was found that an employee was using the following password: "**MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento**".

When asked why she had such a long password, the employee rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

My friend has a successful company where he weighs big objects

He's doing business on a large scale

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

What do you call the shareholders of a bankrupt company?

MiStake Holders.



(It's bad I know)

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

Why was the CEO of a leading prosthetics company arrested?

It came out that he was involved in international arms dealing.

Of course our company is an equal opportunity employer

We always make sure to have equal numbers of X and Y chromosomes

If the British shortbread company opened up a branch in Austin and then threw a huge party to celebrate...

...it would be a Walkers: Texas rager

The phone company has been calling me everday threatening to to disconnect me if I don't pay my bill.

I'm glad they finally stopped calling.

People are protesting for us to change the name of our company.

I don't know why, we hang the colors is a good name for our dry-cleaning business.

Why did one camera company buy out the other?

To get their competition out of the picture.

The University of Kansas football program just traded in all their company vehicles for new ones...

They wanted Les Miles

I am buying my coffin from a company located in Ireland.

I wonder if they accept crypt o'currency?

The Terminator got sick of chasing Sarah Connor, so he started a pest control company.

He became an exterminator.

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

I work at a multi billionaire company

I love McDonalds!

What do you call it when a company that sells milk doesn't have have any cows in roles of power

Lactation without Representation

Why did the freelancer sue the company?

Because he charges on Demand

I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

A man sued a drug company for making him impotent

but his lawyer got him off

A big internet company now renders donkeys with open-source technology

It's called "Google GL ass"

John was looking for a good house repairing company, with an affordable price

A friend tells him, "I heard there's this one company that does free repairs if it's your first time using their service!"

John replies, "That's amazing! I'll have them over here immediately."

A few hours later, the repairman arrives.

John greets them at his doorstep, and asks, ...

I started a job picking up trash for a company called Total.

Unfortunately I have to wear a shirt that says “Total Waste” right across the back

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

So you think my lift company is corrupt?

Well, I'm taking you down!

I'm gonna start a taxi company and employ only lovable, silly, lighthearted drivers.

I'll call it Goober

I am starting a company to produce and sell Marijuana infused meat.

Our motto is "A pot in every chicken."

On walking into the company, the CEO noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall

On walking into the company, the CEO noticed a young guy leaning Against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?”

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, “I earn Rs.25,000...

How do you call the money earned by a sewage company?

Gross Profit.

Did you hear the one about the woman who became CEO of a cannibis company?

She finally broke through the grass ceiling.

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My father used to work at a toilet company

He got fired for shitting on the job.

The electric company did a great job after the storm and it reminded me of this sub.

Shockingly quick to repost.

a friend of mine set up a boat building company in his attic.

the sails were through the roof.

I started working for a pizza company

I don't enjoy it, I just knead the dough

Levi’s is sueing a smaller company over pants

It’s because they tried to sell bootleg jeans

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

I work for the largest nanotechnology company till date.

We’re not very good.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A scrawny, skinny lumberjack asks a local lumber company if they're hiring

"Sure, but we ain't taking you. You're a skinny little shit and this is work for a big man."

Outraged, the skinny lumberjack rips the hatchet right off the bigger lumberjack's belt, walks over to a redwood tree, and knocks it down with one swing.

"Ok, then, you're hired. Just tell me t...

I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

I'm planning on starting a new condom company called 'Useful'.

So people can say they finally came in useful for once.

I think this lift building company is corrupt...

...and I believe it goes all the way to the top.

The Tates Watch Company

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.

​

The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than Ca...

I tried to sue a company that sold me an erectile dysfunction treatment that didn’t work

But the evidence wouldn’t stand up in court.

My company has a 401k program.

I was gunna join, but I figured there's no way I can run that far.