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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

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I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

Don't think that buying shares in a company means you get a say in how it's run.

The company probably issued a billion shares and you've only got one. Which means it's nanoyourbusiness.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

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If my penis would be a company. Then wich one it would be?

Microsoft

I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company

It’s going to be called Au Nuts

The beverage company Nage decided to do something new.

In the tiny village of Mars, Kansas, a new themepark opened on the outskirts of town. Touted as the future of entertainment, the beverage company "Nage" decided to take all their leftover & recycled parts of their product, and turn them into hardened plastic materials to construct their attracti...

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applican...

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My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!

I’m so thankful to McDonald’s for this opportunity.

Following the meatless hamburger craze, a German company announced that they will start making a patty made out of Soylent Green.

They insist it is made completely from Hamburgers.

What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft

Did you hear about the elevator company?

Profits are always up and down

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

A company i thought of making

I thought of doing a company called Procrastination Incorporated, and every shop i make, ill just put coming soon on the entrance

My Dad had 2 very attractive sisters that worked in the accounting office of the same company...

...it was the department of fine aunts.

A guy sued the airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

The IRS is investigating a seafood company in Hawaii which dealt in mollusks

They suspect it of being a shell company being in fishy business

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job...

We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?”

I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.

She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Last year me and my company were partnered with Vidcon

So, I guess you could say we were Co-Vid19

I tried to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you... won’t be covered.”

Recently, a beauty company added rice as an ingredient for their beauty masks.

The reason being is that when the mask is done, it’s easier to Pilaf.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

A wizard's company went bankrupt...

He had to let his staff go.

A once small tree house building business exploded into a giant nationwide company.

They have branches everywhere these days.

I built a successful bartering company, where I trade fresh fruits for measurement instruments to later sell them.

I started it with a banana for scale.

Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as th...

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

Gonna start a condom company, buy I'm still working on the name.

I think I'm gonna go with Don't Kid Yourself. That's also what the magnum size is called though.

Who led the digitization of your company?

1. CEO
2. CTO
3. COVID-19

20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.
<...

I worked for a company that made microphones.

A Czech one too

Our National Railway company may be utter garbage and a disgraceful stain on the image of the country...

but at least if corona shuts it down, no one will notice the change in schedules.

Which confectionary company is the funniest?

The one that produces *Snickers*

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

My brother owns a bike company.

He has spent years building it from nothing and always looked down on me for wasting my life away making puns.
Out of sympathy, he offered me a job in public relations and says with the money I'd be making, I won't have to work after 40.

I told him no thanks. I know the spokesperson never...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

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"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

What do you name a scandal in the Colgate company?

Colgate.

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I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber.

I help you get your shit together.

The company that brews Corona beer is losing revenue because people can't tell the difference between a beer and a virus. They want to change the name of the virus...

It's a toss up between the Plague Extra or the Plague Premier.



Personally I think they should call it Covid-19 Viral Stout.

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A theatre company fired me for constantly forgetting the lines

Which is complete bullshit because I never turn up to rehearsals without coke

I don’t know if this is original but my dad told this to me many years back.

A company decides to enlist a few people to help with the running of their factory, A Swiss for the time, a German for leadership, a French for the food and a Chinese for the supplies. On the first day the German walks around the factory looking at everyone and everyone is doing their jobs, he sees ...

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

I got a new job as a labourer for a well known building company.

The first day on the job we went to a site to put up a fence, it took us about half a day but we did an awesome job.

The next day we went back to the same job, ripped the fence down and built a new one using the same posts as the first day.

This went on for another three days, ripping ...

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

I had a submarine company.

But it went under

My home cleaning company went bust.

The business case was great. We hired excellent cleaners from the Filipines and elsewhere and placed them with clients. We had the perfect brand name, too:

Ethnic Cleansing

Dunno why it didn't take off.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

For 2020 reddit is committing to being the most environmentally friendly company in the tech industry.

They are committing to 100% recycled content.

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

I started a company harvesting moisture from plants.

Business hasn't been great, but we're making dew.

Why did the company quit certifying its professionals every two months?

They got tired of all the pro-testing.

A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

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The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been informally named advisor on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”

“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the business executives on relations with their female colleagues?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he answered.

“During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told ...

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

Four men are in the hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! ...

A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.

As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small ...

Two power companies were competing for a bid to install telephone poles

A city needed telephone poles installed and there were two companies competing for the bid. To choose the finalist, both companies were instructed to install as many poles as possible in one day. The company with the most poles would win the contract.

Both companies got to work the next day, ...

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Joe went to his company party with his wife on Friday.

There, he had a little to much to drink and started to argue with his boss. The boss angered by Joe, fired him at the stop. Joe goes home grunting.

The next morning, Joe asked his wife what happened last night.

Wife: You got drunk and fought with your boss and got fired.

Joe: W...

I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.

Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

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As a Fortune 500 company CEO, I never thought I'd hire a former porn star.

But I can tell this girl has a lot of spunk in her.

After my wife left me, I sold all her jewelries and bought a Tibetan Mastiff to keep me company.

She's gonna be so mad when she returns from work.

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

I used to work for a submarine manufacturing company.

Unfortunately, it went under

If you want a job at a moisturizer company,

You should apply daily.

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

What do you call a ghost with his own spooking company?

A hauntrepreneur!

I work at an IT company, and today my girlfriend left me

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomware, so I wannacry

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

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During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

A company in my town manufactures tile discs...

but their machine can only make them so fast before it starts wrecking them. I found a function that solves the problem simply by improving the machine’s code, but they laughed when I told them I had a wrecked tile disc function.

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

A farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I d...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

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Thought you'd like to know.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on a few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog o...

I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

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Layoffs at the company

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in. The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off." She replies "You better jack off, I've got a headache"

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The Manager of a company has to make a hard choice:

Lay off Jack or Jane.

They are both superb workers, but the company has run into hard times.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets up from her desk to get some water.

The manager decides to use this opportunity to break the bad news to her.

Manager: "Jan...

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

Did you hear about the maple syrup company that went out of business?

Those poor saps.

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A Texas Man Moves To Alaska

So a Texas man moves to Alaska to find more oil for his company to drill. Here gets bored one night and goes to a local bar. The man sees "Impossible Challenge: Free beer for life for the winner!", out of curiosity he asks the bartender about it. "Hey bartender, what's the challenge?" The man asked....

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

The CEO and the Envelopes

A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new CEO wa...

If social distancing makes you feel lonely...

... just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

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Have you heard of the condom company "fricker's"?

There slogan is "You're not you when you're horny".

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.


But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9...

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