I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

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what do you call a pansexual person named nick who works at a disc company?

Pan nick at the disc co

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test...

He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and t...

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The only company to truly care about LGBTQ+ people after pride is PornHub...

...they have a whole section for them all year long

What do you call an excitable small black insect that used to work for a multi national transportation company?

An exuberant ex-uber ant.

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A condom company hosts a fitting at a local grocery store...

and a hot blonde is there to measure penises and tell the guy what size he needs. One guy walks up and she says “Drop your pants.” She measures him and says “You need size extra large.” Another guy walks up, pulls down his pants and says, “You need size extra small.”

In the next aisle over, a...

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

There was this company names "sofa king". But we didn't buy anything from them because...

the prices were sofa king high.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I've created a company whereby people hire us to insult the people they don't like.

We're doing a diss service.

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

What do ya call a company run by bees?

A buzziness

The company I work in is pretty transparent

In 3 month, there's about 4 cases of people running into the glass door.

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

Did you know that John Deere has a sister company that no one knows?

Jane Doe

Electronic Arts, the games company, have had their lawyers in court stating that:

”There not loot boxes in our games, there surprise mechanics”.

Yeah right, that's like saying:

”It's not paedophilia its early access”.

What would you call Steve Harris if he worked for an electrical company without pay?

A Powerslave

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A married man is out looking for some “company”

While driving late at night he spots a prostitute down a dark alley. Not caring what she looks like he tells her to get in and he drives down the dark alley to get his freak on. After things get hot and heavy a cop pulls up and turns on his brights.

He walks up to the car, knocks on the wind...

The company sent my department on a work trip

The last night before heading back home, we decided to play a prank to one of our colleges - we put a pack of condoms in his suitcase. When he got home, his wife started unpacking his stuff, and found our "gift". Without skipping a beat, he explained: "We were all given pack of condoms when we arriv...

Why does no major gaming company make an Indiana Jones game?

Because no one would pay 60$ for an Indie game.

Which company NEVER loses at blackjack?

Forever 21.

I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the

Spanish Ink Quiz Session

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I like pooping in the upstairs bathroom of the company I work for..

Because for once I’m the one causing the shit to roll downhill

What technology company was named after its founders genitalia?

Microsoft

Why shouldn't you trust the awning company?

Because they are shady.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

Today my company relocated me to their Spain office.

But it’s ok, because nobody expects the Spanish acquisition.

A Blonde, a Brunnete, and a Redhead work at a construction company.

They have all worked with each other for years, and would always eat together for their lunch break.

They would always have the same sandwiches packed for their lunch. They were sick and tired of eating the same thing every day.

The Brunette said, "If I have another turkey sandwich p...

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My penis is like a big software company.

Micro soft.

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

I was feeling very lonely one day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

I think I have finally made it big in my life. Today a representative from one of worlds biggest company said I have arrived.

It was google maps.

The cryogenics company was going out of business so I had to take my parents head's home. We were never close,...

...our relations were thawed

Elon Musk needs to start a new company,

Elon Must.

I thought I was hired as a manager in a Spanish company. But then they called me and asked me for an interview.

I wasn’t quite expecting the Spanish Inc. Quiz Session

Sent a couple of suggestions to a deodorant company this morning

Just putting my two scents in

I’m clumsy, so my my job at the tripwire and claymore testing company had a rocky start

But i think i finally found my feet

I just received “Employee of the Month” at my furniture construction company.

But some people call me counter productive.

David and Shane worked for a small furniture company which had recently developed a new product.

They had been developing a new kind of smart shelf, and it was finally finished. This shelf had everything! Part of it featured a built in wireless charger, there were USB ports, part of it could flip up to reveal a screen which could be used as digital picture frame as well as had access to YouTube...

Why shouldn't you work for an Egyptian company?

They're all pyramid schemes

Ford is creating a new company to manufacture electric vehicles using Tesla software and batteries.

They're naming it Edison.

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

Whats a communists favorite insurance company?

Allstate

What's a Texan's favorite moving company?

U'all

My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

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A family of Jews start up a train company. They call it...

IsRail

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Did you know there's a company in Ohio that recycles used condoms?

They shake the fuck out of them.

Why did the white supremacist start a baking company?

Because his family had a long history of being in bread.

Why can’t the Infiniti car company trademark ∞ ?

Because the legal battle would be endless.

Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

A pharmaceutical company specializing in nature-based products …

… was investigating reports that the bark of the Ningwood tree had the potential to help men with urinary incontinence. They tried different doses and found that the highest levels did result in some relief. In a press release about the trials they noted that more Ningwood makes it hard to pee.

Why did the newspaper company go out of business?

Too many issues

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

What’s the difference between a Chilean mining company and a Catholic priest?

The Chilean mining company gets its miners stuck in a shaft. The Catholic priest gets its shaft stuck in a minor.

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he’s calling an importa...

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A man joined a company

A man joined a big multinational company as a trainee.
On his first day,  he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone: "Get me a fuckin' cup  of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
...

Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”



The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it i...

Bob is having trouble finding workers for his house construction company

So he decides to open the position up to people with more general skills. The first candidate doesn't have much experience in construction, but insists that his previous experience will be an asset.

The man seems earnest, so Bob decides to give him a chance. He tells the foreman to watch the ...

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Business was bad, the small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.

The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner loo...

I just bought 10,000 kW of electricity from this one company.

They charged me a lot.

I recently started an explosives company.

It's only been around for a few days, but business is booming!

Why is Cricket called Cricket? (Phone company)

That's all the employees hear!

A company CEO always wants to put his employees in a good mood, so every morning he tells a funny story.

He is very shy though so he speaks over the intercom placed on his desk.

Every morning he tells the joke and a leaves the intercom on to hear the reaction.

No one says a word but after a good minute, everyone starts laughing. This happens every morning.

He is kind of confused b...

A farmer was in an accident with a trucking company and finally decided his injuries were serious enough to take the company to court.

In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning the farmer and asked, “Didn’t you say at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”

The farmer responded, “Well let me tell you what happened. I had just loaded my mule into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupte...

I met a guy who works at a toilet paper company

He was quite charmin, I must say.

Why is it okay for an ice company to commit fraud?

Their assets are already frozen

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

I was trying to get storm insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

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My buddy started an amputee porn production company.

He calls it XYX.

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

I was surprised when my boss told me that our company was bought by a millionaire from Barcelona.

Nobody expects the Spanish acquisition

I was going to start a bourbon company

but I heard it's whiskey business...

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits



I'll leave now

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I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that’s gross.

I said “no, that’s net.”

Bob has a small company. One day, one of his employees, Kevin, dies

Bob and his wife go to the funeral. On the way back home, she asks him:

"Dear, you know my brother is a little lazy, but he's been looking for a good opportunity. Do you think he could replace Kevin?" Bob answers:

"It's ok for me, but we would have to talk with the graveyard administ...

John, the owner of a small company, just moved into a new office.

After settling in, he decides to message his friend. "Jim," he wrote,"I finally moved out of that dingy old office and just moved into a new one."
Happy to hear this news, Jim orders a bouquet of flowers to send to John's new location. The next day, a bouquet of flowers shows up at the office wit...

I was going to start a camouflage plane company

But I just can’t see it taking off

I went to work today, and was shocked to learn that my company was taken over by a firm in Barcelona.

No one expects the Spanish acquisition.

A matematician, a philosopher and an accountant are applying for an important position within a prestigious company

During the interview the CEO askes each of them a simple question: how much is 2+2?

The matematician: Definitely 4, no doubt about it!

The philosopher: The answer in itself is not important, what matters is why did the question manifest itself.

The accountant, leaning forward an...

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What do you call the crappiest video game company?

Diarr-EA.

Why did Elon Musk name his company Spacex?

Because Spacey was touching kids

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The company Apple is just like a prostitute.

You give them your money and they'll fuck you over.

A company decides to build a strip club across the street from a mini-golf place.

A bunch of people were really upset about this, and you can't really blame them. I mean, who wants to be enjoying a nice family outing only to look across the street and see some losers playing mini-golf?

During a recent password audit by a company...

...it was found that an employee was using the following password: "**MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento**".

When asked why she had such a long password, the employee rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

I'm disappointed BIC company doesn't make gardening equipment

Who wouldn't want to have a Dig Bic Plow

My company recently hired Frankenstein’s monster to run our HR department. He’s surprisingly good at it.

Turns out he’s a real people person.

Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..

We screw, we nut, we bolt.

I recently brought a car with a new company called Bargain.

As the name suggests, they’re cheap. Tires aren’t great and it’s not very efficient. Worst of all are the seats. I mean, they’re uncomfortable and really flat. Anyway, I picked up my friend one day, and I was telling her all about Bargain. She too clocked the flatness of the seats. When we arrived a...

Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?

Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.

My company issued us new ladders.

They were cheaply made and barely supported 100lb of weight, but when I posted a picture to Reddit it got taken down by the mods.

I forgot to mark it as NSFW.

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

What do you call a desert towing company?

A camel tow

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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I asked my boss if the company has a 401k I can participate in.

He told me I’m too fat to run that far.

I didn't get the job at the sunscreen company.

They said you can always reapply.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

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The japanese company Subaru is releasing an electric remodel of the Subaru Legacy

it's called Legacy 2 electric subaru

Today I had an interview for a job at Microsoft, and the recruiter asked me "Why do you think you are a good fit for our company?"

I replied: "because I too am micro and soft right now"

What do you call a nun employed by your company?

Nun of your business.

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