4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

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My girlfriend said I remind her of a technology company.

I said I must be the Apple of your eye.

She said no it’s just that your penis is micro and soft.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job...

We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5% raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?”

I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as th...

A wizard's company went bankrupt...

He had to let his staff go.

Gonna start a condom company, buy I'm still working on the name.

I think I'm gonna go with Don't Kid Yourself. That's also what the magnum size is called though.

I worked for a company that made microphones.

A Czech one too

Which confectionary company is the funniest?

The one that produces *Snickers*

The company that brews Corona beer is losing revenue because people can't tell the difference between a beer and a virus. They want to change the name of the virus...

It's a toss up between the Plague Extra or the Plague Premier.



Personally I think they should call it Covid-19 Viral Stout.

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof!

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I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber.

I help you get your shit together.

George was the manager of a small branch of a large company.

He was also the lead engineer of their tickling devices. Of course, prototypes had to be tested. He called them test-tickles.

The testing was vigorous. He had to shove the test tickles on all parts of his body. On his legs, his arms, his stomach, back, and face. He had to electricute the test...

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

I got a new job as a labourer for a well known building company.

The first day on the job we went to a site to put up a fence, it took us about half a day but we did an awesome job.

The next day we went back to the same job, ripped the fence down and built a new one using the same posts as the first day.

This went on for another three days, ripping ...

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A theatre company fired me for constantly forgetting the lines

Which is complete bullshit because I never turn up to rehearsals without coke

My home cleaning company went bust.

The business case was great. We hired excellent cleaners from the Filipines and elsewhere and placed them with clients. We had the perfect brand name, too:

Ethnic Cleansing

Dunno why it didn't take off.

I had a submarine company.

But it went under

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

What do you name a scandal in the Colgate company?

Colgate.

20 canibals started working in an IT company

After about six months their boss comes up to them and says that he is very pleased with their work, that they're exemplary emloyees and that he is very happy to have them. He also says that the cleaning lady has vanished a couple of days ago and asks if they happen to know anything about that.
<...

Why did the company quit certifying its professionals every two months?

They got tired of all the pro-testing.

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

I used to sell chess sets for a big company...

But then I realized I was just a pawn that would never advance.

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The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been informally named advisor on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”

“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the business executives on relations with their female colleagues?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he answered.

“During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told ...

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

I started a company harvesting moisture from plants.

Business hasn't been great, but we're making dew.

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

A demolition company recently made the decision to demolish a stable.

Of course, there were some neighsayers, but that’s to be expected.

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

For 2020 reddit is committing to being the most environmentally friendly company in the tech industry.

They are committing to 100% recycled content.

I used to work for a submarine manufacturing company.

Unfortunately, it went under

Two power companies were competing for a bid to install telephone poles

A city needed telephone poles installed and there were two companies competing for the bid. To choose the finalist, both companies were instructed to install as many poles as possible in one day. The company with the most poles would win the contract.

Both companies got to work the next day, ...

I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.

Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

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As a Fortune 500 company CEO, I never thought I'd hire a former porn star.

But this girl has a lot of spunk in her.

A man sued an airline company over his lost luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

If you want a job at a moisturizer company,

You should apply daily.

A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack.

The first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."

Two minutes later he was back at the ma...

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During a military assault by Hun, Mulan’s company suffered a bombardment and she was knocked out.

When she wakes up, the doctor tells her: “I have bad news for you, buddy.”

Fears that her true identity has been found out, she nervously asked the doctor what is it.

“I just checked your injuries and, well your dick is gone.”

I work at an IT company, and today my girlfriend left me

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomware, so I wannacry

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Joe went to his company party with his wife on Friday.

There, he had a little to much to drink and started to argue with his boss. The boss angered by Joe, fired him at the stop. Joe goes home grunting.

The next morning, Joe asked his wife what happened last night.

Wife: You got drunk and fought with your boss and got fired.

Joe: W...

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The best name for a prosthetic ass company:

FARSE

A company in my town manufactures tile discs...

but their machine can only make them so fast before it starts wrecking them. I found a function that solves the problem simply by improving the machine’s code, but they laughed when I told them I had a wrecked tile disc function.

I used to work at a company that made tiny measuring devices.

It was a small scale operation

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So my friend Sam got a job with a large oil company to work in oil fields in the Middle East.

Once he got to his site, he found he was 35km from the nearest town, no one had a personal vehicle, and the crew was 100% men. All was well for a month or two, but Sam was getting very sexually frustrated. He asked another crew member what they did when they were so horny, and the guy gestures to th...

After my wife left me, I sold all her jewelries and bought a Tibetan Mastiff to keep me company.

She's gonna be so mad when she returns from work.

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Layoffs at the company

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in. The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off." She replies "You better jack off, I've got a headache"

A farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I d...

A man was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him: “What is three times seven?”

“Twenty-two,” the man replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator and realised he wouldn’t get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next d...

Did you hear about the maple syrup company that went out of business?

Those poor saps.

I missed out on the lead role in my theater company's adaptation of Fight Club.

I've really been beating myself up over it.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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The Manager of a company has to make a hard choice:

Lay off Jack or Jane.

They are both superb workers, but the company has run into hard times.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets up from her desk to get some water.

The manager decides to use this opportunity to break the bad news to her.

Manager: "Jan...

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Have you heard of the condom company "fricker's"?

There slogan is "You're not you when you're horny".

I once passed the chance to be CEO of a ketchup company

In Heinz-sight that was a mistake

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

What do you call a ghost with his own spooking company?

A hauntrepreneur!

There are rumours that the reason I'm leaving the company is because I was fired for breaking the windshield of my boss's Honda car...

the truth is... It's of my own Accord

My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

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A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

A group of high level executives at a company decides to start a rowing team?

No matter how hard they try, though, they always end up losing against their rival firm. After months of humiliating defeats, they send one of their guys to spy on another team's practice session, hoping to discover their secret.

After returning, the spy reveals: "I found out how they keep on...

I used to work for a soft drink can crushing company

It was soda pressing

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

My company makes parachutes for skydivers

We offer free refund for defective products but it seems like our customers are very generous about small mistakes.

A man works at a paper company

His job was to design a new kind of paper that won't rip apart when you need a paper to last. He spent months working on his newest design, and the day his boss was supposed to come by to see his progress, he was full of hope.
His boss comes to his office, grabs the stack of paper that the man h...

Why is EA the worst game company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

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A bloke heads down to a pet shop in search of an animal to give him some company as he gets lonely at home.

He didn't have many friends and wanted a pet to give him purpose. The bloke walks into the pet shop and gets greeted by the cashier

"Good afternoon sir what can I help you with today?"

"I've come to look for a pet to keep me company" The bloke replies.

"Well then I've got jus...

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares

It's nice to have some company

I applied for a job at a company that makes puzzles.

But, I am worried I may not be a good fit!

Are you searching for a remote job with no prior experience required, $120k base pay+commission and a high-end company car? PM me.

We'll search together.

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I...

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

I told my girlfriend I liked her company. She didn't think "like" was a strong enough word.

So I bought 51% of her shares.

how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

A large multinational company puts out an application for a secretary.

A golden retriever applies for the job, passes the written test and is scheduled for an interview. At the interview the interviewer asks, "Can you speak any foreign languages?"

And the golden retriever says, "Meow."

How do you get a big international company to kiss your ass?

By dressing up as Winnie the Pooh!

What do an eraser company and an abortion clinic have in common?

They both make money on your mistakes.

I got fired from my job today.

Apparently when you work at a cremation company you aren’t suppose to answer the phones me with “Hello, this is Joes Crematorium. You kill em we grill em!”

A man at a restaurant ordered a soup

The waitress brings it out and the man just sat there, not even having the soup he ordered. The waitress notices him not eating and a few minutes later she approaches him and asked "Is everything alright with the food?" And he just replied "try it" and she refused saying "sir it's against company po...

A skydiving company was taken to court because they let a man jump off without a parachute.

In response, the company said “We did tell him he could only do it once.”

What do you call a genetic engineering company in Italy?

Genitalia.

Why didn't the peppers want to start a company?

They didn't want to be jalapeno business.

A mother is concerned that her son isn't making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living

And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away.

So he would buy a new car on lo...

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My boss is a dick

My boss is a dick. He emails motivational quotes to the whole company every Monday morning.

This weeks was ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you.’

So I emailed back telling him to go fuck himself.

I had my first interview for a cheese company

I think it went grate

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A porn company finally hired me after many auditions...

There was a lot of back and forth and I always gave it my best shot.

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company.

There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks.
But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarl...

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

Today I signed up for my company's 401K

I'm super nervous though. I've never run that far before in my life.

The 4 hour erection...

I went to a chemist store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 

The woman I spoke to said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. 

She asked if she could help me.

I said that I really would have preferred to spea...

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Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

I fired my wife from my own company for drinking on work AND wasting office resources.

You know how hard it is to find sperm donors these days?!

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A married man is out looking for some “company”

While driving late at night he spots a prostitute down a dark alley. Not caring what she looks like he tells her to get in and he drives down the dark alley to get his freak on. After things get hot and heavy a cop pulls up and turns on his brights.

He walks up to the car, knocks on the wind...

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

How did the dog company make a gain?

By selling it’s bassets

A casket company has started marketing clear glass coffins.

Don't know if they will be well received...remains to be seen.

Did you hear about the FedEx - UPS merger?

The new company's gonna be called FedUp.

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