This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

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Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my taxi.

I say taxi... technically it's a hearse.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help

''Yes, but I come here instead''

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Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?

She obviously didn't give a fuck.

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

A crane called into customer care

Customer care: Hello this is Amazon Customer care service. My name is Sophie. How may I help you?

Crane: I would like to know the status of my order of two big fishing poles.

Sophie: Please hold on sir....can you give me the package no?

Crane: 4201001666, by the way I like your ...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

A customer walks in to a bar

The first thing the bartender notices about this customer is that he’s really big and really hairy. So the customer walks up to the bartender and says “I’ll have a beer..........................................................and a jar of honey.” And the bartender goes “Wait, you’re a bear aren’t yo...

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I’m only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

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A mechanic has just finished a particularly tough job. When the customer shows up to get the vehicle, it turns out to be a surgeon. He vents in frustration to the doctor: “I don’t get it! How come I bust my butt all day putting cars back together, and only make a fraction of what you do?”

“After all, is there really that much different? I open cars up, I fix them. You open people up, you fix them. What gives?”

The doctor pauses, and politely replies: “Well, I see your point there...but try doing all that with the engine running.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.<...

A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.

The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would...

What did the butcher say to the customer who wanted meat that was waaaay up on the top shelf?

Sorry but the steaks are too high.

I work in Customer Service

because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

Did ya hear about the new dry cleaners who only had a couple of customers?

They had two clothes

I just saw a customer rob an Apple store.

Strange. It’s usually the other way around.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

Regular customer visits a brothel

But he is bored, and has tried everything on the menu. He wants something new, something that’ll blow his mind (no pun intended).

So he asks the clerk about any specialties for today.

-“We do have a new addition, it’s this Asian girl that can sing while she sucks you off, and she only ...

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, b...

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Australian Joke. Lady Customer: "We're off to Perth via Broome"

Me: "Surely you could just catch a plane instead."

Husband next to her loosing his shit laughing

True story

What did one O2 customer say to the other?

Nothing.

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A cashier who stutters has a customer

A customer asks a cashier:

“where can I find soap?”

“Aaaiisle sixxx, sssir”

“I’m sorry what was that?”

another customer answers:

“He said that was ‘aisle six’”

After the first customer leaves, the one that just clarified asks to the cashier’s horror with an ...

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

What do you call a day spa employee who hates female customers?

A massagynist.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarter...

Customer: Can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress: Excuse me! The men I please is none of your damn business!

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

A bartender says to a customer, "Why the long face?"

The horse replied "Neigh."

I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

I just experienced the worst customer service

I experienced the WORST customer service today. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it ba...

What did the black barber say to the white customer?

"Hello sir, what haircut would you like?"

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

Some chinese guy opened a book store, but never got any customer.

He named the place ''Wong Fu King Book Store''

What did Steve Jobs love to hear from his customers?

iPaid.

Customer service put me on hold, but there was a good orchestra playing.

It was classy-call music.

Customer: I want cargo space

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly

Manager: See me in my office

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

Why didn't the customer at the Indian restaurant complain about getting a bad curry?

It turned out to be a naan issue.

Customer: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue Me: Idk lol? Customer: You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna. Me: What about the glue?

Customer: I knew you’d get stuck on that.

A barber is talking to one of his customers.

“See that kid?” he says as he points to a twelve-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, and then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills, and asks, “Whic...

I got fired from my last job for cropdusting customers.

I guess management caught wind.

The customer is always right ...

Unless he's with his wife.

How does a German Baker greet his customers?

Gluten Tag

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be pe...

What's the difference between a disappointed sandwich shop customer and Soviet Russia?

One couldn't get pastrami, the other couldn't get past the Saami.

A displeased customer walks in to a store.

A displeased customer walks in to a store.

"I'd like to return a broken boomerang which you have sold to me."

"Of course, no problem, we'll swap it for a new one. But, where is it?"

"Good question!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking."

Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...

When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...

I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.

He replied with ‘Fuck off you piece of shit!’

I work in a prison.

Customer: Can I try on that dress in the window?

Saleslady: We really prefer you do so in the dressing room

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

Customer: I'll have a martini, dry

Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This bar has a special menu for it's customers...

A first customer walks in, and ask: Can I have a Rum & Coke, please?

The bartender: You got it! (hands over an apple)

Customer: Errr, I asked you for a Rum & Coke?

Bartender: Just try the apple.

Customer: (Bites on the apple) Oh my god! It tastes like Rum?

...

A man gets a job at a car dealership

He is given his first customer and asks him what he needs. The customer replies, “I need cargo space.”

The man replies, “You need cargo space? Listen, car no go space. Car go land. Rocket go space. You no need car. You need rocket.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man is delivering milk to the homes of his wealthy customers...

He knocks at the back door of a big home and says, “Milkman!”

An attractive middle-aged woman comes to the door in her robe. “I am going to take a milk bath this morning.”, she says. “Go to your truck and bring 20 gallons of milk to my bathroom. I’ll be waiting.”

He heads to the truc...

My wife is a prostitute that likes to keep track of her customers per week

She says she does it to keep our relationship more personal.


I don't mind much, but it's the thot that counts.

Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic

because baggers can't be choosers.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

What do unsatisfied customers of prosthetic feet give the manufacturer?

Their feedback.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Customer: 'Have you got that new book about small penises?'

Librarian: 'I don't think it's in yet.'

Customer: 'That's the one!'

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky.

Its a high-steaks situation

Why do people keep answering Amazon's Customer Question section with the response of "I don't know?". Why take the time to write it if you don't know?

Answer: I don't know

Customer: "Could i have a margarita with light ice?"

Bartender: "I'm sorry, but all our ice weighs the same."

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

The Deep Sea Marine company was sued by a disgruntled customer.

The Deep Sea Marine claimed to be the best at making flawless, impenetrable submarines. Of their five years of service, they were sued only once for a faulty submarine.

"I demand a refund, and more! I almost died!" shouted the customer.

The company was confused entirely, until the law...

Police are searching for a fugitive chef after he killed a customer who was arguing about spices used in a dish.

They are saying it's only a matter of thyme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a store in US, a customer asked for half pound of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only one pound packs were available, but the man insisted on buying only half a pound.

So the boy went inside the manager's cabin and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only half pound of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing righ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.

One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head.

"No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it s...

TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

What does a bell company in North Ireland need to have to attract customers?

Speed. People want to get their belfast

Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

The company next door had to close after losing all customers and their new CEO was fired

Apparently Open House is not the thing to do for someone specialized in security services

What did the confectioner say to the angry customer?

Don’t get your snickers in a twix.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just heard this joke from my dad: A newly hired salesman in a department store is being taught by his manager how to handle sales...

The manager tells him that he'll help the first customer, and show him how to make the most of a sales opportunity, and then he'll let him try.

A customer walks in, so the manager approaches him and says: "Good evening, sir! How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy some grass seeds.", say...

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

An Annoying Customer

There was a guy who for a living sells coffee and there is this one particular customer who always likes to humiliate him. He did this by ordering a $2.50 coffee with 10 cent coins and in doing so he throws the coins all over the counter, leaving the poor seller to pick up all the coins.

But ...

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

Customer compliants

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

A cashier is ringing up a customer...

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!

Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?

Customer: No, what?!?

Cashier: Nothing!

So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."

Customer Helpline: If you understand English, press 1.

If you do not understand English, press 2.

What’s customer service’s favorite word?

Unfortunately...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop full of customers.....

....He asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the...

I used to sell home security systems.

It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

...a customer enters a Pharmacy store, rubbing his hands together...

...the Pharmacist greets him and says: "welcome sir, you're here to get some hand lotion, I presume" and the customer goes:"what? No, I'm here to buy some "Cialis" or something, I'm having a threesome later tonight and I want it to last as long as possible". The guy buys the pills and goes...the nex...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Costco customers

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come ov...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A large white bear walked into a bar, laughed, made out with the hottest girl, broke down sobbing, and had sex with a guy in the bathroom stall. A customer asked the bartender "Sheesh, what's his problem?"

"Bipolar"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chimpanzee walks into a bar, sits down and slaps $100 cash down on the counter.

Immediately, the bartender begins chasing him around the bar, knocking over glasses of customers as the chimp laughs his ass off. This goes on for about 5 minutes. After they both tire, the chimp tips the bartender $50 and leaves. The bartender chuckles, and goes back to work as if nothing happened....

What does the smart restaurant do when a customer can't pay for their meal?

Make them wait for it