I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

Customer service

A man returns to his home town in Russia after 30 years. He sees a shoe shop that he remembers from his time living there and goes in. He tells the owner "I remember this shop. I left a pair of shoes here for repair 30 years ago before escaping to the West." The owner says "Yes, I remember you. Wait...

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a pr...

How does the German baker greet his customers ?

Gluten Morgen

A store manager is doing the rounds one day when he comes upon a new employee talking to a customer

The customer wants a TV, but the employee says they don't have any so the customer walks away.

The manager, annoyed, calls the employee to his office and tells him "We never say no to a customer. Next time, tell him you need to fetch it from the back. Then go buy it from the store next door a...

What did the soy sauce dealer say to his customer.

Let me shoyu what I've got...

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today...

Will get a free Venti later

The local barber just got busted for dealing drugs. I'm shocked. I've been a customer of his for 10 years.

Never knew he was a barber, though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a customer that he reminded me of my father.

He says to me "Oh wow, he must be quite a nice guy!"

I told him "No, he's an asshole."

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you."

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you." Fred says, "Gee, I dunno Joe, I'm not good at riddles". Joe says, "This is an easy one, here goes. My mother had a child, it's not my brother, it's not my sister. Who is it?" Fred says, "I dunno. I'm an only chil...

Waitress to customer:

What’ll you have?
Customer: I’ll have the eggs
Waitress: how do you like them?
Customer: I like them just fine...
Waitress: um, how do you like them cooked?
Customer: I like them even better that way!

A customer of mine asked how much I’m charging to say this.

I said “Nothing. I believe in free speech.”

Customer complaints

Man gets into the bus with 6 kids. Elderly lady seating next raw asks the man,
Such a cute kids . Are they all yours?

The man reply’s,
No, I work at the condom factory. These are costumer complaints.

A buddha puts a hotdog stand and gets a customer...

"I want one with everything!" says the guy to the solemn looking monk. With ceremonious presicion and speed the guy virtually assembles the hot dog with all the sauces, condiments and extras in mid air.

Within seconds he hands the hotdog to the baffled guy. "That'll be 5 dollars sir."
...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.


So finally, a second custo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past.

She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

Prostitute: "C'mon man.... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center

A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her

"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm"

the wife replies "oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.

Never knew he was a barber.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

Why did the customer drink the apple juice?

Although she had ordered orange juice, she noticed that the restaurant was busy, and wasn't Karen about it.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

AITA for mixing up orders and serving a vegan customer a meat sandwich?

Oops wrong sub

The curious customer

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?...

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?

Because baggers can’t be choosers.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

A bartender has a drink ready for his customer every evening.

He’s a doctor and every time he finishes work he comes to the bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. One night, the bar is all out of hazelnuts. The bartender rummages through the inventory but is only able to find hickory nuts. He improvises a drink in the nick of time.

The doctor comes in rig...

Starbucks® has announced that they are now adding a surcharge to any customer displaying Coronavirus symptoms.

Relax. It's just a "Cough Fee."

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never l...

A terrible hairdresser was known for cutting customers' scalps with scissors.

One such customer, fed up and covered in wounds, told the hairdresser off.

The hairdresser snapped back, "Hey buddy, show some appreciation! You only paid $5 for this haircut, and I've already used $10 worth of bandages!"

\- From "Philogelos", an ancient Greek joke book dated to around...

I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today, so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.

*Just ice* was served.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and an alligator walk into a bar.

The alligator's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts...

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

Customer at home depot: is this spray good for wasps?

Me: No it kills them.

And that is how I got my first complaint of the day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to coronavirus, an all nude strip club owner put out a sign at the entrance of notifying customers of halted business operations

“Clothed for business”

I bought a dozen bees for a beehive, but when my order arrived, there was thirteen bees in the box. I called customer service and told them they gave me one bee too many.

The woman on the phone answered:

"Oh, that's just a freebie"

What did the blind salesman ask the customer?

What type of blinds are you looking for?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Store boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
<...

What’s the best part of Audi’s customer service?

The answer within four rings

Customer: "Can I have a number 5 with coke?

Me: "I'm so sorry, maam, but we don't sell cocaine."

Manager: *pulls me aside* "Why the heck would you say that!?"

Me: *goes back to the customer* "My bad, we do sell cocaine".

A guy walks into an exotic restaurant in Spain

Waiter: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the most exotic thing you have"

Waiter: "You're in luck, I'll return shortly"

Waiter leaves and returns with a bowl containing something unfamiliar to the customer.

Customer: "What's this?"

Waiter: "Every we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear customers,

To whom it may concern, starting from next week you must ask for viagra by it’s chemical name.

Please ask for mycoxaflophin. Thank you.

Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?

Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.

Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?

Me: No, my relationship.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

My brother was just fired from his job at the bank. A customer with a broken leg came in and asked if he could check his balance...

so he pushed him over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

A guy is sitting a table in a restaurant when the waitress comes over.....

Hello sir, what would you like to order?

I'll have a quickie please sweetheart...

Okay sir i'll ask again, what would you like to order?

I really want a quickie, please, you know? Tart...

With that the waitress slaps the guy and storms off.

One of the other custome...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

A burger selling shop had so little business that they were about to close.

The boss, however, suddenly came up with a bright idea in the middle of supervising the employees (especially needed because since there were no customers, the employees would look at their phones) and yelled, "EUREKA!""We'll set up a challenge!" he cried to the slightly bewildered employees. "Let's...

You ever notice how Long John Silvers employees care more about themselves than the actual customers?

It must be because they all sell fish.

Customer: Is the carrot genetically modified?

Carrot: Why do you ask?

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”



The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.<...

Customer: I have a question about the menu please.

Server: *slaps customer* THE MEN I PLEASE ARE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wants to buy an inflatable sex doll

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. The guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?” The customer says, “Female” The counter guy asks, “Black or white?” The customer says, “White” The counter guy asks, “Christian or Muslim?” The customer says, “What the hell does religion...

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

I experienced the WORST customer service yesterday at a shop.

I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. On Wednesday I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 48 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund...

A customer at work told me this the other day, thought I'd share!

A husband and wife have been married for about 50 years. And every year, a carnival comes to town where they have rides, games, and a pilot who offers rides for $10! Now, every year, the husband asks his wife if she'd like to do it. Her response is always, "no, because even though it's not that much...

I was taught to always go that extra mile for your customers, but people these days just don't appreciate good service.

This week alone I've had three passengers accuse me of kidnap.

What kind of restaurant tells it's customers they have to wait to place an order?

A closed one.

A dude is having a yard sale and is selling his TV

Customer: "Sweet I do need a new TV. How much?"
Seller: "5 dollars"

C: "What? Why is it so cheap?"

S: "Well it's stuck on full volume. The remote doesn't work"

C: "And you're just gonna sell it for $5 because you can't make it quieter?

S: "Yep"

C: "Wow. Can't tu...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in.

The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head.




The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages...

A chimpanzee has opened a brothel in New Zealand

And says that he accepts all customers and don't discriminate, because his workers are all Pan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three guys looking for a job

They come across this toothbrush seller, they ask for a job and end up getting it. Their employer tells them “ok all you guys need to do is walk around town and sell as many toothbrushes as you can, then once the days over you come back to me and tell how many you sold”, so they each get a box of to...

"Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer. “Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”

“Great. Then I’ll have a refill."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

Pandemic fun

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

A man goes to work at a grocery store.

The man isn't too bright, so they give him a job a grocer. All is going well, until a boy runs up to him and asks how much the tomatoes cost.

The man, baffled, says, "I don't know." He realizes that he just lost a customer to his incompetence. He goes to his boss for help.

His boss g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back in the days of the Milkman...

A milkman comes to the back door of a new customer, knocks, and an attractive older lady opens the door, wearing only a thin negligee’.

“Good morning, ma’am.”, he says. “My name is Ed...What would you like today?

“What I’d like, Ed, is for you to go get a lot of milk from your truck, a...

Little Bobby and the barber

A barber was cutting his customer's hair when he saw little Bobby walk by outside.

He said to his customer, "Watch this, this is the dumbest kid in the world."

He then went outside and held out his two hands.

One hand had 50 cents and the other had a dollar. He then asked Bobb...

I helped a customer at work and she told me to check my pockets when I got home.

I thought she was guna slip me her number. Turns out she stole my wallet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are sitting in a rooftop bar, 20 stories high...

And one turns to the other, asking “what’s that you’re drinking?”

The other man, a regular customer, catches the bartender’s eye as he replies “this is no ordinary drink. This drink gives me superpowers.”

The first man smirks and says “prove it.”

So the second man takes a swig, ...

There's a new store where I live that only allows Republicans to shop there.

They say the customer is always right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my grandpa’s favorite jokes

Back in the 1950s, traveling salesmen would come to rural areas and get some good customers out of it. One of these was Jack. He’s traveling on a dirt road when all of a sudden his tire pops.

He gets out of the car and realizes that he doesn’t have a spare. “Ah, shit!” he exclaims, mad that t...

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...

So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and ...

A Latino gang member has received poor customer service at the railway station, so he vandalised one of the train engines in revenge.

It was a loco motive.

A man walks into a bar and says to a customer

Man “Hello, are you Fela Kuti the famed Nigerian multi-instrumentalist, musician, composer, pioneer of the Afrobeat music genre and human rights activist? (for those that didn’t know)

Customer “No mate, you’re thinking of another fella.”

What did the bartender say to his customer that liked his beer bitter.

“Don’t worry. Beer hoppy.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The condoms

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop ...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

A Washington hooker gets a tattoo of Mike Pence on one inner thigh and one of Bill Barr on the other ...

Then when she gets a customer, she says, "If you can name both of them, I'll give you one for free."

Customer replies, "Hmm, I don't know about those two, but the one in the middle is Mitch McConnell."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.