A local barber was arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years

I never knew he was a barber

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger.

A few minutes had passed and the whole
trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.
...

Being in customer support I can say this

Im paying for my own sins, Jesus. Thank you very much.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

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Blonde approaches the customer service counter at a grocery store...

“How can I help you miss?” Says the man behind the counter. “I need to get 80 gallons of milk please”, she replies. “Excuse me?” Says the man “why would you need all that milk for?” . “Well you see, its a beauty tip. You bathe in milk for an hour and your skin appears 10 years younger”, she sa...

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Steve arrived early for his haircut appointment and was patiently waiting while the barber finished up with another customer

The customer was loudly bragging about how he is not only the best mailman in the area, but he has slept with numerous women over the course of his career.

“Why, I’ve even slept with every woman on Maple Street except one,” he boasted. Steve’s ears perked up because he and his wife live on M...

What’s the difference between a customer, a client and a patient?

If I have customers, I get $10/hr. If I have clients, I get $100 an hour. If I have patients I get $1,000/hr

Restaurant desperate for Customers

What happens when a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" restaurant is desperate for customers?

They admit defeat.

In light of the customers' data breach Capital One unveiled a new slogan today:

Who's in your wallet?

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”



The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.

Working in customer service already did that.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

After a decades long career, the parking guy suddenly disappears. A worried customer goes to inquire.

"What happened to the guy at the entrance who collected all the parking fees and even told us where free spots are? Did he retire?"
The employee is somewhat confused.
"Sir, parking has been free ever since we opened."

...customer asked for Alabama Style Chicken Sandwich!

**Waitress:** ...in bread?

**Customer:** ... I'm not from around here!

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

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Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.


"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.


"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: *WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATE...

Walked into a hardware store and a customer service rep asked me if I needed decking...

Luckily I got the first punch in.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.

The look on his face was priceless.

Did you hear about the customer outrage when the grocery store ran out of tea?

There was a steep demand.

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I don't know why sex with customers is such a big deal

Well, anyway, I lost my job at the cemetery.

What do KFC customers and Hannibal Lecter have in common?

Both love fingers

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

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An employee of a sex toy shop answers a call from a customer...

“Hi, I purchased a cock cage from your store on Tuesday. Even though the box clearly states it’s made for men with extra large penises, the cage was still too small to fit me,” the customer explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the worker responded. “But unfortunately, it sounds like you did o...

I just saw in the local paper "Barber busted for dealing drugs" and I was amazed. I've been a customer of his for years

and I had no idea he cut hair.

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Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

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I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my taxi.

I say taxi... technically it's a hearse.

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I’m only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

A customer asks to see the manager of the restaurant where he’s eating dinner.

“This place is filthy,” the man says to the manager.

“That’s outrageous!” exclaims the manager. “You could eat your dinner off our dining room floor!”

“That’s my issue,” says the customer. “It looks like someone already has.”

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A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.<...

I know a guy who's trying to be an independent taxi driver, but he keeps getting stiffed by his customers.

I mean, he drives randos all around town all day, and he has nothing to chauffeur it.

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My intern keeps on telling customers puns. Recently he made a really bad pun and a customer turned around and asked, "Who said this shit?"

Pun Intern Did

Customer to sales girl, I'm here for the crazy pant's half off sale.

Salesgirl, Yes I know....I can clearly see your nuts.

One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife.

"No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."

The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.

After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I c...

A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help

''Yes, but I come here instead''

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

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So I got fired for eating chips at work, even though I’ve been stealing so many hearts of our customers.

Well fuck it, I hated being a casino croupier anyways.

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Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?

She obviously didn't give a fuck.

What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

A customer walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread. As the baker wraps the loaf, the customer says, "You know, I bake my own bread at home, but they come out dense."

The baker looks up suspiciously and says, "Yeah, prove it."

Customer: Can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress: Excuse me! The men I please is none of your damn business!

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always ri...

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Worst customer service ever!

I experienced the WORST customer service this morning. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So this morning, less than 12 hours later, I took it bac...

What did the customer say to the waiter who had a cool phone?

What does your fondue?

I just saw a customer rob an Apple store.

Strange. It’s usually the other way around.

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Australian Joke. Lady Customer: "We're off to Perth via Broome"

Me: "Surely you could just catch a plane instead."

Husband next to her loosing his shit laughing

True story

A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.

The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would...

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

Did ya hear about the new dry cleaners who only had a couple of customers?

They had two clothes

Customer: I want cargo space

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly

Manager: See me in my office

I work in Customer Service

because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

A barber is talking to one of his customers.

“See that kid?” he says as he points to a twelve-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, and then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills, and asks, “Whic...

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

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THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, b...

What did one O2 customer say to the other?

Nothing.

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

Some chinese guy opened a book store, but never got any customer.

He named the place ''Wong Fu King Book Store''

A bartender says to a customer, "Why the long face?"

The horse replied "Neigh."

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There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

How does a German Baker greet his customers?

Gluten Tag

I got fired from my last job for cropdusting customers.

I guess management caught wind.

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“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

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I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...

When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...

I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.

He replied with ‘Fuck off you piece of shit!’

I work in a prison.

Customer: Can I try on that dress in the window?

Saleslady: We really prefer you do so in the dressing room

A displeased customer walks in to a store.

A displeased customer walks in to a store.

"I'd like to return a broken boomerang which you have sold to me."

"Of course, no problem, we'll swap it for a new one. But, where is it?"

"Good question!"

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A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be pe...

What do you call a day spa employee who hates female customers?

A massagynist.

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

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This bar has a special menu for it's customers...

A first customer walks in, and ask: Can I have a Rum & Coke, please?

The bartender: You got it! (hands over an apple)

Customer: Errr, I asked you for a Rum & Coke?

Bartender: Just try the apple.

Customer: (Bites on the apple) Oh my god! It tastes like Rum?

...

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

Customer: I'll have a martini, dry

Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

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A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

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A young man is delivering milk to the homes of his wealthy customers...

He knocks at the back door of a big home and says, “Milkman!”

An attractive middle-aged woman comes to the door in her robe. “I am going to take a milk bath this morning.”, she says. “Go to your truck and bring 20 gallons of milk to my bathroom. I’ll be waiting.”

He heads to the truc...

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

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A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

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Customer: 'Have you got that new book about small penises?'

Librarian: 'I don't think it's in yet.'

Customer: 'That's the one!'

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

What do unsatisfied customers of prosthetic feet give the manufacturer?

Their feedback.

A man gets a job at a car dealership

He is given his first customer and asks him what he needs. The customer replies, “I need cargo space.”

The man replies, “You need cargo space? Listen, car no go space. Car go land. Rocket go space. You no need car. You need rocket.”

Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic

because baggers can't be choosers.

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In a store in US, a customer asked for half pound of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only one pound packs were available, but the man insisted on buying only half a pound.

So the boy went inside the manager's cabin and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only half pound of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing righ...

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it s...

Customer: "Could i have a margarita with light ice?"

Bartender: "I'm sorry, but all our ice weighs the same."

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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