I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An employee of a sex toy shop answers a call from a customer...

“Hi, I purchased a cock cage from your store on Tuesday. Even though the box clearly states it’s made for men with extra large penises, the cage was still too small to fit me,” the customer explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the worker responded. “But unfortunately, it sounds like you did o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don't know why sex with customers is such a big deal

Well, anyway, I lost my job at the cemetery.

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

​

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

I just saw in the local paper "Barber busted for dealing drugs" and I was amazed. I've been a customer of his for years

and I had no idea he cut hair.

A coke dealer is waiting for a customer at a diner

the customer sits down, slides over the money, the dealer slides over a bag of white powder. At that moment the cops burst in to arrest the dealer and the buyer. The dealer quickly says "it's just some caster sugar to put on his pie", a cop doesn't believe him and checks the white powder, it is inde...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

A very curious customer asked a local tomato farmer if their tomatoes are genetically modified.

"No." Said the farmer "No." Said the tomato

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was sacked today for having sex with a customer in the back of my taxi.

I say taxi... technically it's a hearse.

One morning a customer entered my flower shop and ordered a bouquet for his wife.

"No card is necessary," he instructed us. "She’ll know who sent them."

The delivery truck hadn’t even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer’s wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.

After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I c...

A store manager watches from a distance as a salesperson argues with a customer.

After a few minutes, the customer storms out of the store.

“I saw what just happened,” the manager says, “and I guess you’ve forgotten my motto of ‘the customer is always right.’”

“I know,” the salesperson says, “but . . .”

“No buts,” says the manager. “The customer is always ri...

Customer: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: you need to buy a drink first

Customer: ok I'll have a Coke.

Bartender: is Pepsi OK?

Customer: sure how much is it?

Bartender: 3$.

Customer: And what's the wifi password?

Bartender: I told you. 'youneedtobuyadrinkfirst' no spaces no capitals.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

What type of customer is Target’s worst nightmare?

Expert marksmen/gun enthusiasts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the time a sex worker denied a customer service?

She obviously didn't give a fuck.

What did the customer say to the waiter who had a cool phone?

What does your fondue?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Worst customer service ever!

I experienced the WORST customer service this morning. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So this morning, less than 12 hours later, I took it bac...

A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.

He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.

I was at work the other day and after telling a customer what he owed, he handed me a bag of Tyson wings and drummettes.

I said to him, "Sorry, we don't accept chicken tenders."

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

A liquor store employee asked a customer if he needed any help

''Yes, but I come here instead''

A Motivational Speaker Runs a Hot Dog Stand

A customer comes and buys a hot dog. The hot dog costs $3 and the customer gave a $5 bill. The Motivational Speaker takes the $5 and pockets it.

The customer, now angry, shouted "Hey! Gimmie my change!"

To which the Motivational Speaker responded, "Change is from within."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.<...

I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I’m only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

I work in Customer Service

because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

A man stands on a street corner, looking for the right customer to sell to.

The man sees another man who seems important. Fancy, gray suit from a world-renown tailor, a watch witch appears to be 24k gold and looks like the guys in the suit commercials.

The man on the corner takes his chance. "Excuse me, sir in the gray!" He starts, getting the man's attention. "Would...

What did the butcher say to the customer who wanted meat that was waaaay up on the top shelf?

Sorry but the steaks are too high.

The oil change shop tried to scam a customer by telling him that his car needed "blinker fluid"

The customer said, "Nice try, you can't trick me. My BMW doesn't have blinkers!"

Did ya hear about the new dry cleaners who only had a couple of customers?

They had two clothes

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

THE salesman story.

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, b...

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

Customer: Can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress: Excuse me! The men I please is none of your damn business!

I just saw a customer rob an Apple store.

Strange. It’s usually the other way around.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Australian Joke. Lady Customer: "We're off to Perth via Broome"

Me: "Surely you could just catch a plane instead."

Husband next to her loosing his shit laughing

True story

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cashier who stutters has a customer

A customer asks a cashier:

“where can I find soap?”

“Aaaiisle sixxx, sssir”

“I’m sorry what was that?”

another customer answers:

“He said that was ‘aisle six’”

After the first customer leaves, the one that just clarified asks to the cashier’s horror with an ...

I got beaten up after I told a customer “we don’t have coke, is Pepsi okay?”

My first and last day as a drug dealer.

What did one O2 customer say to the other?

Nothing.

Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets?

They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

What do you call a day spa employee who hates female customers?

A massagynist.

XM Radio is looking for feedback on Reddit about how to improve customer service

They're taking Sirius replies only.

A bartender says to a customer, "Why the long face?"

The horse replied "Neigh."

Customer: I want cargo space

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly

Manager: See me in my office

A barber is talking to one of his customers.

“See that kid?” he says as he points to a twelve-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, and then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills, and asks, “Whic...

What did the black barber say to the white customer?

"Hello sir, what haircut would you like?"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same...

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

Some chinese guy opened a book store, but never got any customer.

He named the place ''Wong Fu King Book Store''

Why didn't the customer at the Indian restaurant complain about getting a bad curry?

It turned out to be a naan issue.

What did Steve Jobs love to hear from his customers?

iPaid.

Customer: What’s the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue Me: Idk lol? Customer: You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna. Me: What about the glue?

Customer: I knew you’d get stuck on that.

I got fired from my last job for cropdusting customers.

I guess management caught wind.

How does a German Baker greet his customers?

Gluten Tag

A displeased customer walks in to a store.

A displeased customer walks in to a store.

"I'd like to return a broken boomerang which you have sold to me."

"Of course, no problem, we'll swap it for a new one. But, where is it?"

"Good question!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was this Wal-Mart greeter ...and everyday he was cheerful, happily greeting customers with a "Welcome to Walmart; I hope your day is wonderful!" or an "Enjoy your shopping!"

One day a loud, boisterous, unkempt woman comes in with her two children, who are running around and causing havoc as she yells at them. The old man greets her in his usual cordial manner, and she snaps back a rude reply to him.

Smiling, the old man looks at the lady and says, "What wonderful...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fella working at a Sherwin-Williams store has a particularly challenging customer one day.

It's a Saturday morning, so the shop is pretty busy; there's quite the line of people needing paint mixed up. This lady's completely out of place; dressed to the nines, talk-to-the-manager haircut, the works. She hands our man Joe a tiny paint chip and says, "I need this exact color. It has to be pe...

I'm on a customer help live chat right now and the message tone sounds like someone hitting a tennis ball.

Now that's service.

Customer: I'm just not sure I really want to buy this pillow.

Pillow salesman: Well why don't you sleep on it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Those are some damn sexy legs” a cute customer said to me while we toured the showroom of the furniture store I work in. I was so flattered- obviously my workout routine was working!

But then he said,
“Oh, I’m talking about that chair over there. I’ll take it”

A Quality Assurance engineer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The QA then proceeds to order 999,999,999 beers, 0 beers, a lizard, -1 beers, and plate of ueicbksjdhd.

The first real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A customer tools me this joke today.

You experienced veterans may have heard it before but I haven't so it made me laugh.

He took out some change in his pocket and showed me some pennies, one at a time.

1 penny: "Smell anything?... You should, it's a cent."
2 pennies: "See any fruit?... It's a pair."
3 pennies: ...

Customer: Can I try on that dress in the window?

Saleslady: We really prefer you do so in the dressing room

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man is delivering milk to the homes of his wealthy customers...

He knocks at the back door of a big home and says, “Milkman!”

An attractive middle-aged woman comes to the door in her robe. “I am going to take a milk bath this morning.”, she says. “Go to your truck and bring 20 gallons of milk to my bathroom. I’ll be waiting.”

He heads to the truc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked if a customer wanted to dine in or take away...

When at work one evening, someone wanted some fish and chips...

I asked if they wanted to dine in or take away.

He replied with ‘Fuck off you piece of shit!’

I work in a prison.

Customer: I'll have a martini, dry

Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a store in US, a customer asked for half pound of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only one pound packs were available, but the man insisted on buying only half a pound.

So the boy went inside the manager's cabin and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only half pound of butter".

To his surprise, the customer was standing righ...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic

because baggers can't be choosers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is a prostitute that likes to keep track of her customers per week

She says she does it to keep our relationship more personal.


I don't mind much, but it's the thot that counts.

A man gets a job at a car dealership

He is given his first customer and asks him what he needs. The customer replies, “I need cargo space.”

The man replies, “You need cargo space? Listen, car no go space. Car go land. Rocket go space. You no need car. You need rocket.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Customer: 'Have you got that new book about small penises?'

Librarian: 'I don't think it's in yet.'

Customer: 'That's the one!'

What do unsatisfied customers of prosthetic feet give the manufacturer?

Their feedback.

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This bar has a special menu for it's customers...

A first customer walks in, and ask: Can I have a Rum & Coke, please?

The bartender: You got it! (hands over an apple)

Customer: Errr, I asked you for a Rum & Coke?

Bartender: Just try the apple.

Customer: (Bites on the apple) Oh my god! It tastes like Rum?

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

Why did the bartender only charge his customer for the vodka in his screwdriver?

Because as of yesterday, OJ is free.

Grocery store meat departments are starting drone delivery but customers think it's risky.

Its a high-steaks situation

Why do people keep answering Amazon's Customer Question section with the response of "I don't know?". Why take the time to write it if you don't know?

Answer: I don't know

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

"Have you got any books on customer service?"

Librarian: probably...somewhere...

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Customer: "Could i have a margarita with light ice?"

Bartender: "I'm sorry, but all our ice weighs the same."

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

Whats the difference between Walmart and Target customers?

About 200 pounds.

Police are searching for a fugitive chef after he killed a customer who was arguing about spices used in a dish.

They are saying it's only a matter of thyme.

What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress's name tag?

A: "What did you name the other one?"

A store manager heard his clerk tell a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for a while, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Horrified, the manager came running over to the customer and said, “Of course we’ll have some soon. We placed an order last week.” Then the manager drew the clerk aside. “Never,” he snarled, “Never, never, never say we’re out of anything- say we’ve got it on order and it’s coming. Now, what was it s...

At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion.

One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head.

"No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

TIFU by making my customer the wrong sandwich, giving her an allergic reaction.

Whoops. Wrong sub.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat

The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!"

The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!"

Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during ...

The Deep Sea Marine company was sued by a disgruntled customer.

The Deep Sea Marine claimed to be the best at making flawless, impenetrable submarines. Of their five years of service, they were sued only once for a faulty submarine.

"I demand a refund, and more! I almost died!" shouted the customer.

The company was confused entirely, until the law...

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers"

-New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

A cashier is ringing up a customer...

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!

Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?

Customer: No, what?!?

Cashier: Nothing!

A mailman notices a mail box with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

The company next door had to close after losing all customers and their new CEO was fired

Apparently Open House is not the thing to do for someone specialized in security services

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.

It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.