Until Jokes - 123 Hilarious Until Jokes

I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?

A English man, an Irish man and an American are stranded on an island, until they find a genie.

The genie explains to them that usually he'd give them 3 wishes, but because there's three people and they all found him equally, that everyone gets one wish.

First, the English man makes his wish.

"Well, I've been stranded on this island for 2 years now, so I wish to go back home to m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to love joking about anal sex until I actually tried it.

Now I'm slightly torn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.

*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.

*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

I tried to start farming crows, until I was arrested.

They charged me with attempted murder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

I kept forgetting my passwords until someone told me to use 1Password!

That's a much easier password to remember.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

My wife complained about the fireworks that went on until midnight on the 3rd, I told her it was just a little fourth-play.

This just happened and she looked over and told me it was the first actually funny thing I had said in a couple of years so I thought I would post it. I'm sure someone somewhere has said this before but damnit let me relish in this moment.

Bonus, before that the last funny thing I said w...

It's 364 days until christmas.

And people already have their lights up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexual desires have been getting out of control, but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue...

...that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I struggled with winter until I bought a snow blower.

It has made my life a thousand times easier. I load it in the back of my truck and drive south until someone says "What the fuck is that"? and that is where I spend the winter.

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it just becomes a soap opera.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

I used to think orthotics were pretty dumb until I started using them

I stand corrected

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before getting married, my wife and I used all sorts of sexual positions, but it wasn’t until after being married for years that we discovered the Quantum Super position…

… where it’s rather hard to tell if my wife is alive or dead.

All my life I had wanted a Geiger counter but never knew why until I could finally afford one.

Then it clicked

I can’t wait until we colonize space

And then it’s two worlds one cup.

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

An electrician didn't get home until after 2 a.m.

His wife asked, "Wire you insulate?"

He replied, "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I?"

TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

You're not old until...

Your child gives you his old phone.

Three women are driving in a car, until they crash into a tree, and all three of them die and go to heaven.

God explains to the three ladies, that both of them lived good lives, without sin. And he let's then through the gate into heaven, but not before telling them that there's only one rule in heaven:

"Don't step on the ducks" The women are confused at first, until they finally enter heaven, and ...

Once a man was walking through the forest until...

A bear suddenly came out from the bushes. It started chasing the man. The man turned around and saw the bear chasing him, and he began to run. As they ran, the bear started getting closer and closer to him. It licked its lips as it saw its prey getting closer. All of a sudden, the man tripped and th...

I'm sticking with my citrus diet until June

Cumquat May.

At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine, and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep.

That's probably why I lost my job as a firefighter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I heard in elementary school and didn't understand until much later.

Why does superman pinch his nose during sex?

Because he doesn't like the smell of burning rubber.

“Boss, I’m sorry I didn’t show up until noon today, but…

…this morning I unexpectedly became a father”.
“Well then congratulations, is it a boy or a girl”?
“I won’t know that for nine months”.

I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did.

Turns out they were a full grown adult!

I like to lick women until they scream

Usually only takes one lick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said "Don't talk about sex until we're married"

Now we're married she says "you can TALK about sex all you want.."

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted,

"Oh, pun the door"

You don't know what you have until it's gone.

Unless we're talking about my wife's miscarriage.

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.

Trump will be President until 2020

It would have been 20:15, but the sniper got stuck in traffic...

Coffee is acidic. Until you add pumpkin and spices...

Then it becomes basic.

I never knew what happiness was until I got married.

And then it was too late.

My dad always told me I belonged to him until I was 18.

My first lesson in owning your mistakes.

A lion walks into a bar and says, "I'm not leaving until I'm drunk as a skunk". Then a tiger walks into the bar and says, "I'm not leaving until I'm drunk as a skunk". Then a skunk walks into the bar. Who leaves first?

Everybody else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought I had no interest in sex until I met a Canadian woman...

Turns out I'm Eh?sexual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do grandmas always watch porn videos until the very end?

To see if they get married.

you dont know real pain until you...

...learn the french word for bread

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa took Viagra every single day until the day it killed him.

I guess old habits die hard.

No man is complete until he's married.

Then he's finished

An older man never had a smart phone, until recently....

He was chatting casually with my brother-in-law (they are neighbors) to say he was done with smart phones.

The older man was **irate** as AT&T was charging him extra fees because he was old!

My brother-in-law was astounded. He asked the older man what on earth he means by that. I...

A Lumberjack is about to Swing his axe right at a tree until he hears a noise

"Stop! Please don't kill me, I'm a talking tree!"
The Lumberjack stops, and says
"And you will Dialogue"

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages….

Now we’re making money hand over fist

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.

Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the barte...

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car

Now everyone waves at me

What's Joe doing until January 20th?

BIDEN his time.

He used to be the village's chief, until he lost his eye...

Now he's just a chef.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I agonized about this question for a long time, until threw up my hands in frustration.

"Why the fuck did I eat them?"

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes

...

That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."

I was seeing this girl for about six weeks........ Until

someone took my damn binoculars

Don't stop until you get what you want.

Man in bed with his wife..Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders..Across her waist..under her neck..below her neck..Under her back ..& suddenly stops... Wife: (In a romantic voice) Why did you stop??? Man:
got the remote..U go back to sleep...

The owners of my local strip club have closed until further notice

Apparently nobody wants to twerk anymore!

Everybody call me ugly until they saw my wallet.

They call me ugly and broke.

I didn’t know what I was going to eat yesterday, until I opened the fridge

That’s when I saw the light

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many prostitutes do you have to kill until someone notices?

I'm not sure yet.

I struggle with Roman Numerals until I get to 159

Then it just CLIX.

Don't wait until you're on your death bed to tell people how you feel

You might be too weak to lift your middle finger

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until

they are flashing behind you.

My siblings have been trying to convince me to get a beard, but I’ve been reluctant until recently.

Now I think it’s grown on me.

Waited until the end of the halftime show...

To tell my kids that The Weeknd was over.

Try and try again until you succeed

Common policy followed in most stabbing

The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Anti-proliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be nor confusing. So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting. This should avoid having people show up for their f...

Why did it take up until last year for Volkswagen to finally manufacture electric cars in the United States?

Because it took them awhile to get the bugs worked out

My cop friend kept demanding that I praise him for the apparently excellent ticket that he just wrote until I eventually gave in and said,

"Fine, fine fine."

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…

I He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"

KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."

THE NEXT DAY
MOM:...

I never learn the true meaning of NTR until recently.

'Nothing to report.' Said the girl.

When my wife said she'd be with me until I was old and gray

I did not realize she meant 37

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with someone

sex is way more fun when I'm cheating on my wife!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everybody is a gangsta until

a Cockroach walks in and starts flying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have a lovely dog called Minton, until one day I can home and he had choked on a shuttlecock

Bad Minton

Until federal law supports the love between two men

It’s just a mandate

50 more sleeps until Christmas!

Or 3 if you’re a meth user.

Everything was great until gravity was invented.

Things went downhill after that.

I thought I was funny until I met your parents...

They got together and made a joke years ago yet people are still laughing.

19 minutes until Valentines

If I kill myself right now, I'll get flowers later.

My day started out great, until 12 o’clock

Thats when i woke up

My wife and I got in a lot of arguments until we agreed there's no right or wrong way of doing things, there's just just her way and...

...the wrong way.

I didn’t realise how difficult it was being an electrician until I tried it myself

I was shocked

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?

A Prograsstinator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They used to call me "the virgin" until last night's party

Now they call me "Drunky McShitpants"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never say anything bad about a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.

By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I didn't have sex with my wife until after we were married. Did you?"

"I don't know. What's her maiden name?"

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

I used to have a beautiful house and a lovely car, until my friend introduced me to drugs...

Now, I have a yacht and a Caribbean Island.

I was researching infinity until it hit me...

that endeavor would take me forever

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.