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Earlier I was beaten up by a woman.

I was on an elevator and she entered. She has big boobs and I was staring at them when she said "Can you please press one".

So I did.

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Went to a sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked if i’de like to masterbate in the cup?
#
I said, “I’m good but not ready for competition yet”

I tried to to catch some fog earlier today

I mist.

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A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..

..then I realized he was aborted.

Earlier today I was working on a new house in town...

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the ...

I heard this on the radio earlier today

Dr Fauci allegedly said that after the pandemic is over and done with we will have to wear masks for 2 months on the back of our heads so our ears will return to normal

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An earlier joke on the sub reminded me of this old classic...

Three men are at a bar, drinking around a table.
One gulps his beer and loudly brags, "Last night I made love to my wife four times! She said in the morning it was the best sex she's ever had!"

Another slams his empty mug down and boasts, "That's nothing! I just fucked my wife *nine* times...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

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Thought I spotted the first English superhero earlier.

I saw a Liverpool man running down the road wearing a cape.

Turned out the fucker hadn't paid for his haircut.

I went to the cinema to watch a film about lorries earlier and it was rubbish.

Too many trailers.

A man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me earlier

I was like what the hell man

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I took a viagra earlier today.

It got stuck in my throat and I’ve had a stiff neck ever since.

Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked

her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I got pulled over earlier today...

Cop - “License and registration sir? You show signs of being drunk.”

Me - “Officer I assure you I haven’t even had a sip.”

Cop - “Alright sir, well how about a quick test. Imagine you’re driving down the dark road and see two lights in the distance, what is it?”

Me - “A car..?”<...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

I took the dog out with poo bags earlier

The wife hates it when I call her that

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

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My conjoined twin told me a great joke earlier.

It was so funny, I almost pissed himself.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I had to use my step-ladder to clean the windows earlier.

i don't get on with my real ladder

Thought of this earlier

About an hour after the news years party we were congregated into groups talking and one guy in our little circle goes “I haven’t showered since last year!” It was too funny not to share with other people.

So when I got the opportunity I walked over to a group of people and said “I haven’t s...

I told a Coronavirus joke earlier today and nobody laughed.

They will get it eventually...

"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.

"What glass of milk?", he replied.

Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

"Oh my god!"

Me: What?

"That was my glass of milk."

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

I went to the corner shop earlier and now my bank card smells funny!

I think they might have cologned it.

Mike Pence walked in to the Oval Office earlier with some bad news for President Trump.

"Mr. President, unfortunately 3 Brazilian tourists in New York have been diagnosed with coronavirus."


"That's terrible!", exclaimed Trump. "What are we going to do?!"


"Wait...how many is a Brazilian again?"

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

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I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...

He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

When I checked-in earlier today at the hotel, I asked if I could have a room with a street view.

The receptionist said "Sorry, they're all pixelated."

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

Earlier this year I got a vasectomy

I thought it would stop me and my wife from having kids, but it just changed the color of our child.

Do not get one, they don't work.

I met a Muslim girl earlier today

She wasn't a perfect 10 but shiite

I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..

I ended up dying inside.

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

Earlier, I was wondering why my boomerang hadn't come back after I threw it.

And then it hit me.

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

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A man visits his dentist and asks for a tooth removal

A man enters the dentist office and ask the dentist if he could have his tooth removed with no anesthesia used....the dentist answers that this will be very painful and no sane human would tolerate the pain from pulling the tooth out of its roots...

The man replies: "What about this, if I scr...

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Betrayed

Perry was riding a cab when he saw the *Nun* that he likes very much



"I wish I could kiss that Nun" said Perry



"You could come back here later at 12 MN, I assure you she'll be praying at the back of the church." said the cab driver

"Are you sure?!" said Perry wit...

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Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the--

Car driving by: *HONK*

Me: Because if the--

Second car driving by: *HONK*

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the--

Third car driving by: *HOOONK*

Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cop...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

I had a clock for lunch earlier.

I couldn't finish it, it was time consuming.

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

Alright, so I bought some shoes from a drug dealer earlier today..

I shouldn't have bought those shoes because i've been tripping all day.

I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hair...

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

A man is walking by his son's room, when he hears him praying...

and he decides to poke his head in the door to see what he is saying.

"Dear God, I love Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa."

The father thought this was strange, but didn't pay much mind to it, as his young son was just expressing his feelings.

The next day the man comes...

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

Why is it better to be a stoner than an alcoholic?

Because 4:20 is earlier than 5:00

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

I discovered an underground fight club earlier.

Bloody troglodytes.

I fed thousands of /r/jokes to the new OpenAI artificial intelligence (GPT-3), here's what it came up with.

Q: How do astronauts shower?
A: They take a spaceship!

Q: Where do birds go when they want to talk to each other?
A: Tweet-el

Q: What did the pepper do when he got excited?
A: He pepped up!

Q: What do you call a man who is trapped in a bush with a lion, tiger and bear?<...

My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud

False advertising should be called a stuckstuck

I came out of Asda earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

We have only one Mother

I don't know if it translates well but here is a joke from my country

Teacher asked kids to construct a sentence ending with "We have only one Mother"

So the first kid stands up and says:
"My Mother loves me so much she wakes up an hour earlier everyday just to prepare me food for s...

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

A cheese factory exploded earlier

Witnesses say de brie was everywhere

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I was so desperate for the toilet earlier while I was driving, that I pulled up to the side of the road for a piss.

Majorly annoyed my examiner.

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

Went to view a house earlier with period features and the wife and I had a massive argument.

She really hates it when I call her that.

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So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert

When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inqu...

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

A rope walks into a bar....

The bartender says, "hey, we don't serve ropes here sir". So the rope goes out side gets twisted and messes up his hair and walks back in minutes later.

"Hey are you that rope that I told to leave earlier" shouted the bartender. He looks at the bartender and says "No sir, I'm a frayed knot".

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Jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on.......

I fancied talking the taxi drivers lugs off so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely shit himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the path and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I say "Fuck me mate you're a bit jumpy ain't ye , nearly fucking killed...

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Two Buddhist monks were meditating.

One of them said. 'Something happened today I could not get it out of my head.'

'What is bothering you?' Asked the other monk.

'I went shopping earlier this morning, and the cashier asked me what the hell I bought that for, it pisses me off.' Reply the first monk.

'What did you ...

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I won my first cage fight earlier

That fucking budgie didn't know what hit him

I wondered why music was coming from my printer earlier...

Apparently the paper was jamming.

I tried posting a joke about a malfunctioning bomb earlier

But it never blew up

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

My stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap earlier today...

He was high on my list of priorities...

I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory earlier today

Officials say theres nothing but de brie left.

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

Earlier today I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall...

...as he turned and sneered at me I thought to myself 'that's a little condescending'.

- Boss, I need to leave 2 hours earlier, my wife wants me to go shopping with her.

- No way, go back to work.
- Thank you boss, I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

Three astronauts walk into a bar

On the way in, one of them spots ten dollars on the floor. As he bends down to pick it up, one of the others claims that he saw it first, so it belongs to him. The third then claims that he dropped it earlier, so it must be his.

Whose ten? We have a problem...

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Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

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The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...

"Just use a spoon!" she screamed. "You're not a Jedi!"

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier

So going to the bathroom could spell disaster

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

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My girlfriend has been secretly recording me for years and now she’s blackmailing me into doing all these gross fetishes of hers

I just wish I had realized earlier because now she has a lot of shit on me

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I was walking through the cemetery earlier and saw a guy crouched behind a tombstone..

I said morning! As I walked past

He said no, I'm just having a shit.

A man was shot earlier today with a starter's pistol

Police suspect the incident was race related.

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A male whale and a female whale were...

swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship t...

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I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone

Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”

To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual...

...and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

The inventor of dog treats died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was.

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replies.

"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.

"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

Since dinosaurs came earlier than humans...

They are pre-daters.

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Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

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Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

Earlier today six dwarfs stole my antidepressants.

Not Happy.

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

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Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

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I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

An anti-vax rally ended earlier today...

...Due to an outbreak of the measles

Earlier my friend was saying that I don’t understand irony

Which is pretty ironic considering we were at the movies

I got kicked out of Disneyland earlier today

I guess Disneyland security wasn’t happy with me after I sat on Pinocchio’s face and begged him to tell me as many lies as possible

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Two guys are sitting at a bar.

The older guy says to the younger guy, I was talking with my wife earlier and I can’t remember if she told me that she has Alzheimer’s or AIDs and I don’t know what to do.

The younger guy says, it’s easy, all you have to do is drive your wife somewhere and drop her off. If she finds her way h...

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

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Some woman knocked on my door earlier..

Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you fuck my fanny all night long."

I said, "What does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a...

I was in Sainsburys earlier today

And a dear old lady at the front of the checkout queue had just had her trolley full of Xmas shopping scanned. The bill came to £61.17. She emptied all her notes & coins onto the counter & with the help of the checkout girl began counting it all up. It came to £59.85. She then started sobbin...

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...

Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier today...

He was on crack, she was on blow...

I got fired from the keyboard factory earlier today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

Baseball bet

Two guys are sitting at the bar watching a baseball game when the batter hits a high pop fly to center field.

The first guy says “I’ll bet you $50 bucks he drops it.”

Second guy says “You’re on. That’s an easy play.”

The centerfield proceeds to drop the ball and the second gu...

Joke from Slovakia

The earlier post reminded me of a joke my brother saw in a newspaper when he lived in Bratislava.

Two guys are sitting on a couch watching television.

Buddy: Hey, do you know how to play the piano?

Guy: I don't know, I've never tried!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"

"A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!

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