UPJOKE
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Earlier Jokes

I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

I love you honey pie, my wife said earlier. And I love you tons, I replied.

What, no nickname for me? She asked.

Sometimes I swear she’s going deaf.

My wife called me earlier.

“Where are you?" she screamed. "I've been stuck outside this house in the rain for an hour!"

“I'm having a few beers with the guys" I said.

“Well, I need you to come and open the door for me" she snapped "I've forgotten my key!"

“Calm down,” I replied. "I'll send Dave through...

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

Grocery bagger at the store earlier told me that they're not gonna make bananas any longer.

I replied, oh really? He responded, "Yeah, they're already long enough."

He got me good. I really enjoyed that today.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I ate five cans of alphabet soup earlier.

Just had the biggest vowel movement ever.

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I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

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I took a Viagra pill earlier today, but it got stuck in my throat.

I've had a stiff neck for hours.

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I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

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Rang a tantric sex line earlier

I was on hold for ages

It was great

I read earlier that the person who is most likely to kill you, is yourself

But not if I kill him first

I think I saw Michael J Fox in a garden centre earlier today

At least I think it was him, he had his back to the fuchsias

[old joke] A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..

When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she sai...

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

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Some Jerk stole my Anti-Depressants earlier today.

I hope he's happy.

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So I was telling my wife about how I got fired from the golf course earlier.

Her: How? What happened?

Me: They caught me putting my dick in the golf ball washer.

Her: \*laughs\* So then what happened to the golf ball washer?

Me: She got fired too.

Found one of my old school reports earlier

Teacher said that I was only average at maths.

I thought, that’s mean

A cheese factory exploded earlier

Witnesses say de brie was everywhere

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

Bumped into my ex in town earlier.

Almost didn't recognise her without her hand in my wallet.

I came across an old photo of my great grandmother earlier today.

Took me nearly an hour to clean it off.

I swear, people keep putting their Christmas decorations up earlier and earlier every year.

Christmas is 364 days away, can’t they wait?

Earlier today, I knocked on the door of a fortune teller...

She asked, "Who's there?"

So I left.

I was pulled over by a cop earlier today.

“Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?”

"No officer.”

“Well" he said "this doesn't happen very often, but I've been following you for the last ten miles or so... and your driving is exemplary! Correct road positioning, perfect observation and due regard for other road users.”
<...

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Earlier I was beaten up by a woman.

I was on an elevator and she entered. She has big boobs and I was staring at them when she said "Can you please press one".

So I did.

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

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Went to the sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

My friend burnt our steaks earlier

I told him that they weren't even well done, they were congratulations

I tried to post a joke about foreskin earlier...

but it got removed

According to ATP rules whoever gets to the tennis match earlier gets the ball

First come, first serve

Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo

not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.

I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

Riding with Uber earlier..

The driver said,

"I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "Turn Left.

So earlier today I was at London Heathrow airport and a man in front of me collapsed on the luggage carousel :(

Took a while, but he was coming around slowly, though...

Saw 2 druggies having a '69' in the park earlier.

He was on crack, she was on blow.

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

My stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap earlier today...

He was high on my list of priorities...

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I ejaculated six feet earlier.

Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.

Earlier I had to go to the Pokemon Center

For my Koffing turned into Weezing.

I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

I just came across a Taxed Enough Already party rally earlier today

Fortunately, it was hardly an inconvenience. I just drove right past the protesters because they all refused to use the public roads

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overbo...

Bill Belichick was in my store earlier and whilst I was serving him he said “listen, I need a quarterback. Think you could do that for me son?”

I said “wow, really?! You want me to play in the NFL?”

He said “No moron, this drink costs 75c and I gave you a dollar”

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A group of homosexuals were staring at me earlier.

But I've got no problems with gaze.

Me: “Thank you for that glass of milk earlier”

Sperm bank employee: “What glass of milk”

Me: “The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk”

Sperm bank employee: “Oh my god”

Me: “What?”

Sperm bank employee: “You drank my glass of milk!”

I'm here with a man who lost his wife earlier today.

How careless of him.

i got complimented on my driving earlier

they left a note on the car saying parking fine

Earlier today I heard Classical music coming from my wallet..

I opened it, and realised I had 3 tenners in it...

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..

I ended up dying inside.

I paid for a coffee in Starbucks earlier

I've no idea how much it was in Earth money

Had an embarrassing moment earlier. Farted really loudly when I lifted something heavy....

Had to apologise to the guy at the next urinal.

I got fired from the keyboard factory earlier today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

I Was on an Egg Hunt Earlier.

I tried to find them by heading to the far West, but it turns out it was an Easter Egg hunt.

I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier...

Fortunately, I was only grazed.

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

I locked myself out of the house earlier

so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.


He said: “Me? How?”

My Grandfather sent me this earlier

The other day I went over to a nearby Pharmacy.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the Store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The Pharmacist came over smile...

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

I told my wife I was really sorry for what I said earlier...

"I do"

I bought an England stationery set earlier.

It's missing three pens.

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water....

Got me thinking....Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

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I participated in a lung surgery earlier

That was breathtaking

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My conjoined twin told me a great joke earlier.

It was so funny, I almost pissed himself.

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

Sheriff, my husband left the house earlier today to buy rice for lunch and he still hasn't come back. What do I do?

\- I don't know, maybe pasta.

Thought of this earlier

About an hour after the news years party we were congregated into groups talking and one guy in our little circle goes “I haven’t showered since last year!” It was too funny not to share with other people.

So when I got the opportunity I walked over to a group of people and said “I haven’t s...

A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier.

It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl.

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Had a wank in a pool earlier,

call it a gene pool.

I posted a joke about inertia earlier

But it doesn’t seem to be gaining any momentum.

My daughter brought her boyfriend round to meet me earlier, he wouldn't even look me in the eye.

He just sat there, staring at my gun.

Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker

It said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal!"

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road!

TIL: Chuck Norris died earlier this month

But the Grim Reaper hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

I ate a clock earlier

It was really time consuming.

Earlier I saw someone throwing Stephen King books at people. I asked why they were doing that...

Then IT hit me.

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Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

Earlier today

A naked woman robbed a bank.

So far no one is able to identify her face.

My son was picking his nose earlier..

I told him to make up his mind and choose one.

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

A man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me earlier

I was like what the hell man

Someone tried to tell me a joke about Covid earlier...

...but they were wearing a mask so I didn't catch it.

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

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Guess what I got asked at the hairdresser's earlier.

Fucking everything.

“Isn’t all contemporary fiction just a retelling of older stories, arranged in such a way as to appeal to the broadest population, given their familiarity with technological advancements that would seem magical to authors of earlier ages….

…” I asked the chicken as we both stood on the sidewalk. It suddenly and without comment walked across the road.

“Hey,” I called after the chicken, “why’d you do that?!”

There is a horse. The horse says "I don't think." and disappears.

This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."

But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

I swallowed some Scrabble tiles earlier.

I am not looking forward to my next vowel movement.

I heard this on the radio earlier today

Dr Fauci allegedly said that after the pandemic is over and done with we will have to wear masks for 2 months on the back of our heads so our ears will return to normal

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Thought I spotted the first English superhero earlier.

I saw a Liverpool man running down the road wearing a cape.

Turned out the fucker hadn't paid for his haircut.

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I was having a shit earlier when I had a thought:

I should probably change my pants.

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I got told off for pissing in the swimming pool earlier.

I don't know why, I wasn't even gonna get in.

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

I was in Sainsburys earlier today

And a dear old lady at the front of the checkout queue had just had her trolley full of Xmas shopping scanned. The bill came to £61.17. She emptied all her notes & coins onto the counter & with the help of the checkout girl began counting it all up. It came to £59.85. She then started sobbin...

Earlier this year I got a vasectomy

I thought it would stop me and my wife from having kids, but it just changed the color of our child.

Do not get one, they don't work.

I told a Coronavirus joke earlier today and nobody laughed.

They will get it eventually...

Blundered at the supermarket earlier, went in for 6 cans of Sprite

picked 7up

My dad called me earlier on the phone...

A boomerang.

I turned into a cat earlier

Don't ask meow

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I was walking through a graveyard earlier...

I saw a man crouched next to a grave, so i said to him "morning!" He replied, "no, I'm taking a shit"

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

I took the dog out with poo bags earlier

The wife hates it when I call her that

My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud

False advertising should be called a stuckstuck

I went to the 50 Shades of Grey midnight premier earlier tonight

Just sucks I couldn't hear the movie over all those goddamn bees in the theater

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

Earlier today I saw this dude walking out of an erectile dysfunction support group. He looked like a douche, so I tried to fight him. But no luck...

It's almost impossible to get a rise out of those people.

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My girlfriend always takes long baths after we finish watching a Ryan gosling movie

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Ryan Gosling

I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

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I won my first cage fight earlier

That fucking budgie didn't know what hit him

I discovered an underground fight club earlier.

Bloody troglodytes.

Was on the bus earlier today

And got caught staring at this beautiful woman whilst breastfeeding a baby.

She looked me right in the eye and said “you’re a weirdo!”

I asked “why, because I’m staring?”

She said “no, because you’re trying to breastfeed a baby!”

The Queen comes home from a fancy dinner slightly earlier than normal.

She walks in to Buckingham Palace and goes to find her Butler, Parker. She finds him and says "Parker, take off my jacket." And Parker takes off her jacket for her. "Parker, take off my petticoat." And Parker takes off her petticoat. "Parker, take off my dress." And Parker looks surprised but takes ...

I got really emotional at the petrol station earlier.

I don't know what came over me, I just started filling up.

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

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I was in Asda earlier...

this thick bitch was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle.

I came to pay, I had only bought milk and bread but had no change.

"£1.03 please"

"Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note.

Haven't you got anythin...

My pastor apologized earlier for cussing.

He said it was a frick accident.

Earlier today I was working on a new house in town...

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the ...

A man was shot earlier today with a starter's pistol

Police suspect the incident was race related.

I was in vietnam earlier this week

I was in a bad mood after finding out my lawyer wanted more money. While walking down the street, my girlfriend was complaining about all the mosquito bites she got and how i wasnt getting any.

I turned around, looked at her, and replied “they cant suck out any blood. My lawyer already took ...

I came out of Morrisons earlier and

There was a woman crying her eyes out, she'd lost all her holiday money. I felt so sorry for her I gave her £50. I don't usually do that kind of thing but I'd just found £2000 in the carpark.

I was watching the Dyslexic news channel earlier.

Apparently North Korea are making unclear threats to the US.

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

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Some woman knocked on my door earlier..

Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you fuck my fanny all night long."

I said, "What does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a...

Driving home earlier

I saw a young couple weaving all over the street. I told them 'Go get a loom'

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

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The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

My wife walked in to our bedroom in a huff earlier after coming out the shower

“Dave, can you remember to shut the curtains please, I’m getting changed and the neighbours can see in” she said angrily.

“Don’t worry babe”, I replied. “If the neighbours see you naked they’ll be sure to shut their own curtains”

So that’s why I’m sleeping in the car tonight.

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An earlier joke on the sub reminded me of this old classic...

Three men are at a bar, drinking around a table.
One gulps his beer and loudly brags, "Last night I made love to my wife four times! She said in the morning it was the best sex she's ever had!"

Another slams his empty mug down and boasts, "That's nothing! I just fucked my wife *nine* times...

Earlier today I read that an alligator can grow up to 15 feet...

...but I've never seen one with more than 4.

The inventor of dog treats died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was.

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Jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on.......

I fancied talking the taxi drivers lugs off so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely shit himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the path and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I say "Fuck me mate you're a bit jumpy ain't ye , nearly fucking killed...

I ate some bad Greek food earlier today...

...and now I falafel.

I disabled my popup blocker earlier today...

...or as some people call it, got a divorce.

I tried posting a joke about a malfunctioning bomb earlier

But it never blew up

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me. My friend said "it's karma"

I said "if anything, it's more annoyed"

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I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.

I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.

I got kicked out of Disneyland earlier today

I guess Disneyland security wasn’t happy with me after I sat on Pinocchio’s face and begged him to tell me as many lies as possible

I was fine with my earlier math classes,

but geometry is where I draw the line.

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