A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier.

Sperm Bank Employee: What glass of milk?

Me: The one that was right here on the counter.

Sperm Bank Employee: Oh my god.

Me: What?

Sperm Bank Employee: You drank my glass of milk.

I discovered an underground fight club earlier.

Bloody troglodytes.

I came out of Asda earlier and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money that she’d been saving for months. I felt so sorry for her i gave her £50.

I don’t usually do that kind of thing but I’d just found £2000 in the car park.

I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..

I ended up dying inside.

I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the--

Car driving by: *HONK*

Me: Because if the--

Second car driving by: *HONK*

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the--

Third car driving by: *HOOONK*

Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cop...

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was so desperate for the toilet earlier while I was driving, that I pulled up to the side of the road for a piss.

Majorly annoyed my examiner.

Went to view a house earlier with period features and the wife and I had a massive argument.

She really hates it when I call her that.

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud

False advertising should be called a stuckstuck

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jumped in the back of a taxi earlier on.......

I fancied talking the taxi drivers lugs off so i tapped him on the shoulder. The driver absolutely shit himself, swerved over the road, nearly hit a bus, mounted the path and slammed his brakes on inches away from a shop window. I say "Fuck me mate you're a bit jumpy ain't ye , nearly fucking killed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won my first cage fight earlier

That fucking budgie didn't know what hit him

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

I tried posting a joke about a malfunctioning bomb earlier

But it never blew up

Earlier today I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall...

...as he turned and sneered at me I thought to myself 'that's a little condescending'.

Was on the bus earlier today

And got caught staring at this beautiful woman whilst breastfeeding a baby.

She looked me right in the eye and said “you’re a weirdo!”

I asked “why, because I’m staring?”

She said “no, because you’re trying to breastfeed a baby!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was reminded of my dad’s favorite joke when I saw a similar joke posted earlier today. He owns his own construction company and would tell this to everyone.

All the body parts get together to decide who is the boss of the body.

First is the brain. “It’s obvious I’m the boss. I’m the smartest and without me the body wouldn’t even know what to do.”

The hands speak up and say, “Without us the body wouldn’t be able to get food to the mouth. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys.

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory earlier today

Officials say theres nothing but de brie left.

- Boss, I need to leave 2 hours earlier, my wife wants me to go shopping with her.

- No way, go back to work.
- Thank you boss, I knew you wouldn’t let me down.

The inventor of dog treats died earlier today.

He was a good boy. Yes he was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.

They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
...

I wondered why music was coming from my printer earlier...

Apparently the paper was jamming.

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual...

...and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replies.

"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.

"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

I ate a clock earlier

It was really time consuming.

I shot my kids at the park earlier

The photos came out really well on my new phone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Earlier today a work colleague called me a "shallow Neanderthal mysoginist"

I let it pass though because she has fantastic tits.

I got kicked out of Disneyland earlier today

I guess Disneyland security wasn’t happy with me after I sat on Pinocchio’s face and begged him to tell me as many lies as possible

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was wandering through the cemetery earlier today when I saw a guy kneeling behind a gravestone

Trying to be polite, I said “Morning.”

To which he replied “Nope just taking a shit.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some woman knocked on my door earlier..

Some woman knocked on my door earlier and said that she had lost her dog.

She said, "If you help me find it I will let you fuck my fanny all night long."

I said, "What does it look like?"

She said, "It's a big, black, fluffy thing."

I said, "No thanks love, I'll give it a...

Earlier my friend was saying that I don’t understand irony

Which is pretty ironic considering we were at the movies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

A man was shot earlier today with a starter's pistol

Police suspect the incident was race related.

My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...

"Just use a spoon!" she screamed. "You're not a Jedi!"

Earlier today six dwarfs stole my antidepressants.

Not Happy.

An anti-vax rally ended earlier today...

...Due to an outbreak of the measles

I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

My stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap earlier today...

He was high on my list of priorities...

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

Doctor: What's wrong with your bother? Boy: He thinks he is a chicken.

Doctor: Really? How long has this been going on?

Boy: Five years.

Doctor: Five years! Why didn’t you bring him in earlier?

Boy: We needed the eggs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"

"A fucking power cut" ....was apparently was the wrong answer!

I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier

So going to the bathroom could spell disaster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was shopping with my wife earlier on.

I was surprised when she said "You are a lazy bastard."

I nearly fell out of the shopping trolley.

I was grilling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices started to make my mouth water...

Got me thinking, do vegans get the same reaction when mowing the lawn?

I was in Sainsburys earlier today

And a dear old lady at the front of the checkout queue had just had her trolley full of Xmas shopping scanned. The bill came to £61.17. She emptied all her notes & coins onto the counter & with the help of the checkout girl began counting it all up. It came to £59.85. She then started sobbin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm OK now but I felt shit earlier...

Finger went right through the paper.

I ate some food earlier but cant remember what it was..

There was a piece of food stuck in molars and I managed to get it out.



Problem is, I cant remember what it was, but I have it at the tip of my tongue.

I passed a kid sat on the side of the road dressed in rags earlier.

I asked him, "Are you an orphan?"

He replied, "Yes. What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.

Bro: That sucks man.

 

 

Earlier at the hospital,

Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I fucked a DVD.

Earlier today I was really horny, and I saw what I thought to be a blank dvd. I thought, DVDs have a tight hole, they might feel pretty good. So I put my soft pp into the hole of the DVD, and for a few seconds as I started getting harder, it felt pretty good, but then, once I was fully erect, it sta...

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

The oldest job in the world

A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest professio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

Ate 3 bowls of alphabet soup earlier...

Just took the biggest vowel movement of my life.

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

When small talk with the neighbors gets awkward.

I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. At the turnaround an old man with a walker was getting the mail. He asked me my name and we engaged in some small talk.

 

I was about to leave, but his wife came outside so I stayed and sai...

So earlier on I was asked what procrastination was.

I said I’d tell them later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never understand women, my wife said to me earlier: "Babe, I'm stuck on 6 across. 8 letters, fixed the highway?"

"Retarred." I replied.

Ungrateful bitch just threw the paper at me and stormed out.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes.

An American walks into an Irish pub. He asks the patrons, " I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People raise their heads but ignore the absurd bet and go back to drinking and merry making, except an Irishman who leaves the bar. Some time passes and the Irish...

I was walking the dog through the village cemetery earlier today...

...this nosey old woman heading the other way says "Mourning?" as we approached one another.

"No..." I answered curtly. "...I'm just walking my dog."

Honestly- I wish people would learn to mind their own business.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

Christmas keeps getting earlier and earlier each year.

There's 364 days until then and people already have their lights up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

Ivysaur evolves earlier than both Wartortle and Charmeleon...

I guess that makes him an early bloomer!

A Cowboy rides through the desert

For two days. He's hungry, thirsty and tired, his horse too. He sees a small town on the horizon. He finally reaches it on sunset and comes into the saloon and says to the Keeper:

"There's my horse outside, have someone give it food and water and comb its hair. As for me, I want a whiskey and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woke up to a blow job earlier.

That's the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was earlier thinking about semen but thankfully I'm no longer doing it

Glad there's a load off my mind.

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier today...

He was on crack, she was on blow...

The earlier we start Christmas...

the more likely Jesus will be born dangerously premature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a train earlier. And I needed a crap,

so I went to the toilet but it was out of order.


I was gutted and had to sit there holding it for an hour.


the woman opposite me wasn't happy at all, it's like she's never seen a man with a turd in his hands before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to the sperm clinic earlier...

The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup.

I said "I'm good but not ready for competition just yet."

I was fine with my earlier math classes,

but geometry is where I draw the line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

I got fired from the keyboard factory earlier today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

Earlier the Rich had cars and the poor had horses. Now the Poor have cars and the Rich breed horses

Oh how the stables have turned

Be careful of a dwarf psychic who robbed a bank and escaped earlier...

Police are warning the public of a small medium at large.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.

I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.

TIL: Chuck Norris died earlier this month

But the Grim Reaper hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

Earlier today I told my Christian friend to “Have a Good Friday.” He didn’t catch my pun.

I’m not surprised. Jokes like this usually Pass Over his head.

Earlier today I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder.

It's really SAD.

I crashed into a truck full of terrapins earlier

Turtle disaster

I was reading a book on the History of Glue earlier.

I couldn't put it down.

My dad farted in his wallet earlier

He said he needed gas money

An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad

Dad: How's your life going son?

Son: It's going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.

Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.,

So...

Earlier today

A naked woman robbed a bank.

So far no one is able to identify her face.

I stole a walking pole from a blind man earlier...

He wasn't looking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a job interview earlier today and the boss asked me, “What would you say is one of your biggest character flaws?”

I said, ‘Well I can be brutally honest at times.’ And the boss said, “No way! I think that’s a wonderful asset actually.”

And I said, ‘I really don’t give a fuck what you think.’

Sadly, my best friend of many years lost his life earlier today.

He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

I ate some bad Greek food earlier today...

...and now I falafel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad was in the cashier line earlier today

He was buying a 6-pack of beer, and a microwaveable curry.

He noticed in front of him there was a lady buying a bottle of wine and a microwaveable Chinese meal.

He smiled at her and said “hi there, are you single?”

She replied “yes, how did you know?”

He responded “beca...

I went down to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today and walked up to the main desk to sign in when the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented...

I said, 'A folding bottle.'

She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'

'A fottle.'

'What else do you have there?'

'A folding carton.'

'OK, what do you call it?'

'A farton.'

She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds ...

I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

I’m a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I’m gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.

I chose the latter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde hooks up with a guy at a bar having met earlier on Tinder.

Straight away, she starts flirting with him, subtly at first, but it quickly escalates.

"I don't usually get much response to my profile, why'd you pick me?" asks the guy.

"Well, in all honesty, I mostly use Tinder for sex", claims the blonde, "You're cute and I like what you wrote in...

I tried to post a joke about foreskin earlier...

but it got removed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,

"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"

The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes...

I gave myself a prostate exam earlier.

That's the last time I buy cheap toilet roll.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A guy and a girl are fooling around...

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her. The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wak...

I was in vietnam earlier this week

I was in a bad mood after finding out my lawyer wanted more money. While walking down the street, my girlfriend was complaining about all the mosquito bites she got and how i wasnt getting any.

I turned around, looked at her, and replied “they cant suck out any blood. My lawyer already took ...

I went into the bank earlier to check my balance

Got some funny looks standing on one leg with my arms outstretched

As of 2019, Trump is the best Thanksgiving president.

He let the biggest Turkey off scot free.

A month earlier.

A man found a mustache hidden underneath a water valve in his house...

He messaged his old room mate who had moved out 5 months earlier to see if he knew anything about the mustache as the compartment to reach the valve was in his old room.

The ex room mate replied "You found it!, My secret stache!"

I was playing Overwatch with just my D earlier.

It's hard only moving right.

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

I saw this poor old man laying unconscious in his car earlier today.

Well, I’m assuming he was poor, he only had $3 in his wallet.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.