Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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My conjoined twin told me a great joke earlier.

It was so funny, I almost pissed himself.

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

Me: Thank you for that glass of milk earlier.

Sperm bank employee: What glass of milk?

Me: That glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.

Sperm bank employee: Oh my God.

Me: What?

Sperm bank employee: You drank my glass of milk.

earlier today I dropped an ice cube

It slipped under the refrigerator and I couldn't reach it. I was really upset about it at first but now I'm over it. water under the fridge.

A Blonde Arrives At Home Earlier Than Expected...

...she discovers her husband in bed with her best friend, the wife grabs a gun, puts it to her own head...

Husband: "Honey! Wait! Don't do it!"

Blonde: "Don't worry dear, after I do me, you're next!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of homosexuals were staring at me earlier.

But I've got no problems with gaze.

At the tube station earlier I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.”

He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.

I bought an England stationery set earlier.

It's missing three pens.

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I participated in a lung surgery earlier

That was breathtaking

I locked myself out of the house earlier

so I shouted through the letterbox to my cat to let me in.


He said: “Me? How?”

Earlier I saw someone throwing Stephen King books at people. I asked why they were doing that...

Then IT hit me.

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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town...

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid...

I was attacked by a flock of sheep earlier...

Fortunately, I was only grazed.

2 people dislocated my toe earlier

It was a joint effort.

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A whale of a tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

I Was on an Egg Hunt Earlier.

I tried to find them by heading to the far West, but it turns out it was an Easter Egg hunt.

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

Went to the bathroom earlier and took a poo

not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.

My wife walked in to our bedroom in a huff earlier after coming out the shower

“Dave, can you remember to shut the curtains please, I’m getting changed and the neighbours can see in” she said angrily.

“Don’t worry babe”, I replied. “If the neighbours see you naked they’ll be sure to shut their own curtains”

So that’s why I’m sleeping in the car tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm...

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

A young man walks up to the bar and sits down next to a young blonde woman.

As he sits down the 10 o’clock news comes on. The news team were at the scene of a man who was preparing to jump from a tall building.

The blonde looks over to the man and asks “Do you think he’ll do it?”.

The man answers “Yes, I think he probably will. In fact I’m willing to make a be...

Blundered at the supermarket earlier, went in for 6 cans of Sprite

picked 7up

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A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other.

Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy. She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they hav...

My flatmate drank my cannabis tea earlier, and he is now walking around the flat as if he owns the place.

He's so high on my tea.

A ship, sailing past an island, finds a man there who had become stranded alone years earlier. The commander disembarks to rescue the man and sees three huts.

"What's that first hut there?", he asks.
"Oh, that's my house", replies the castaway.
"What about that second hut there?"
"That's my church."
"And what about the third one over there?"
"That?", replies the man, disdainfully. "That's the church I used to go to."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Earlier I was beaten up by a woman.

I was on an elevator and she entered. She has big boobs and I was staring at them when she said "Can you please press one".

So I did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was golfing at a course he'd never been to and got lost.

He sees a woman ahead of him, so he approaches her.

"I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am, but I've never played here before and I'm a little lost. Can you tell me what hole you're on, so I can figure out my place?"

"Sure! I'm on nine and you're one hole behind me, so you must be on eight!"...

I posted a joke about inertia earlier

But it doesn’t seem to be gaining any momentum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

I swear Christmas decorations go up earlier and earlier every year.

It's 364 days till Christmas and my neighbours already have theirs up!

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me. My friend said "it's karma"

I said "if anything, it's more annoyed"

Someone tried to tell me a joke about Covid earlier...

...but they were wearing a mask so I didn't catch it.

The Queen comes home from a fancy dinner slightly earlier than normal.

She walks in to Buckingham Palace and goes to find her Butler, Parker. She finds him and says "Parker, take off my jacket." And Parker takes off her jacket for her. "Parker, take off my petticoat." And Parker takes off her petticoat. "Parker, take off my dress." And Parker looks surprised but takes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Had a wank in a pool earlier,

call it a gene pool.

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I was having a shit earlier when I had a thought:

I should probably change my pants.

My son was picking his nose earlier..

I told him to make up his mind and choose one.

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier...

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My wife and I were arguing earlier and she brought up my apparent “lack of direction”.

“Where the fuck did that come from?!” I said.

I have a dog and his name is Libido.

Them: I thought you said earlier that you don’t have a dog.
Me: ::sigh:: Exactly.

Earlier this year the World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot spread COVID-19. Dogs are not impacted by any lockdown, do not have to be held in quarantine and can be released.

WHO let the dogs out

I went into a Starbucks earlier and asked the barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

They replied: "I'm not, it's a coughy filter"

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

My partner caught me saving my pubes earlier

She asked “what the hell are you doing?”
Apparently ‘preparing your dinner’ was not the correct response.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got told off for pissing in the swimming pool earlier.

I don't know why, I wasn't even gonna get in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife got a bit frisky earlier and demanded we have sex in the shower....

At least half of the other swimmers weren’t happy about it.

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Went to a sperm clinic earlier

The lady asked if i’de like to masterbate in the cup?
#
I said, “I’m good but not ready for competition yet”

I was walking down the street earlier when some guy threw a block of cheese at me

I thought to myself, "That's not very mature."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

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Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

i was playing a game earlier and the other team was really good and i'm new so i left. and then i realised i didn't rage quit i parent quit

i wasn't mad just disappointed.

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled bay earlier...

I couldn't help but wonder, what his handicap was.

Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

A man threw a jar of mayonnaise at me earlier

I was like what the hell man

Earlier today I read that an alligator can grow up to 15 feet...

...but I've never seen one with more than 4.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought I spotted the first English superhero earlier.

I saw a Liverpool man running down the road wearing a cape.

Turned out the fucker hadn't paid for his haircut.

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

I told a Coronavirus joke earlier today and nobody laughed.

They will get it eventually...

I accidentally drank a little food coloring earlier today..

I ended up dying inside.

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

A construction worker sits down in his favourite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week.

He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices a cute little girl, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the shimmering glass in his hands, filled to the brim with golden ale. As the night progresses, the folk get cheerier and louder each passing minute. ...

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An earlier joke on the sub reminded me of this old classic...

Three men are at a bar, drinking around a table.
One gulps his beer and loudly brags, "Last night I made love to my wife four times! She said in the morning it was the best sex she's ever had!"

Another slams his empty mug down and boasts, "That's nothing! I just fucked my wife *nine* times...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a viagra earlier today.

It got stuck in my throat and I’ve had a stiff neck ever since.

I went to the cinema to watch a film about lorries earlier and it was rubbish.

Too many trailers.

Put a load in the dishwasher earlier

My wife prefers to call it intercourse

I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

Earlier today I was working on a new house in town...

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the ...

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

Thought of this earlier

About an hour after the news years party we were congregated into groups talking and one guy in our little circle goes “I haven’t showered since last year!” It was too funny not to share with other people.

So when I got the opportunity I walked over to a group of people and said “I haven’t s...

I took the dog out with poo bags earlier

The wife hates it when I call her that

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop stopped my car earlier today

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of the--

Car driving by: *HONK*

Me: Because if the--

Second car driving by: *HONK*

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the--

Third car driving by: *HOOONK*

Me: Because of the "Honk if you think cop...

Mike Pence walked in to the Oval Office earlier with some bad news for President Trump.

"Mr. President, unfortunately 3 Brazilian tourists in New York have been diagnosed with coronavirus."


"That's terrible!", exclaimed Trump. "What are we going to do?!"


"Wait...how many is a Brazilian again?"

A cheese factory exploded earlier

Witnesses say de brie was everywhere

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

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Just ask for Sally

So there is this guy, let's call him Joe.

Joe wakes up one day and realizes not only is it pay day, but he has the day off. So Joe goes through his regular morning ritual and then pays some bills, gets groceries and thinks to himself "well I have everything I need so let's have some fun."...

I had to use my step-ladder to clean the windows earlier.

i don't get on with my real ladder

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

When I checked-in earlier today at the hotel, I asked if I could have a room with a street view.

The receptionist said "Sorry, they're all pixelated."

I met a Muslim girl earlier today

She wasn't a perfect 10 but shiite

My stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap earlier today...

He was high on my list of priorities...

I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought

who in the hell names their kid "Earlier"?

Earlier, I was wondering why my boomerang hadn't come back after I threw it.

And then it hit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ejaculated 13ft from my bed to my toilet bowl thinking about my first crush earlier.

I thought to myself, 'if only my younger self could see how far I've cum'

What font does alphabet soup use?

Times New Ramen.



*Credit for this goes to Kim Komando. I heard it on the radio earlier today.*

- Did you clean the windows?

- Yes, I did. Why?
- Hmm, I was wandering why the Sun came up two hours earlier.

Earlier this year I got a vasectomy

I thought it would stop me and my wife from having kids, but it just changed the color of our child.

Do not get one, they don't work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told a joke to a Japanese guy earlier about Sodium and Nickel...

He didn't get it though, so he just said "NaNi?!"

I met the Godfather of the Scottish mafia earlier...

He made me an offer I couldn’t understand.

Earlier today I felt like throwing up..

So I put a dart board on my ceiling.

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

My dad called me earlier on the phone...

A boomerang.

I had a clock for lunch earlier.

I couldn't finish it, it was time consuming.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

A village was devastated by a lion's multiple attacks on the villagers.

Many hunters attempted to kill the lion but all of them became prey of the lion.

One day a hunter named Killer John (KJ) came to the village claiming that he can kill the lion. The villagers asked what are your going to do that the earlier hunters couldn't do.

KJ asked the help of vill...

Two muslims were in relationship.

Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."

Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."

Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."

I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier

So going to the bathroom could spell disaster

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Earlier today a German Shepard jumped over the fence and took a shit on my lawn

Then 30 minutes later his dog came and did the same thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud

False advertising should be called a stuckstuck

Saw a group of 4 guys beating up an old guy earlier and decided to step in

He never stood a chance against 5 of us

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

I wondered why music was coming from my printer earlier...

Apparently the paper was jamming.

My wife got really mad at me earlier when I tried to force feed our young son...

"Just use a spoon!" she screamed. "You're not a Jedi!"

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

I went to a German massage parlour earlier

Whole experience was pretty hans on

I got fired from the keyboard factory earlier today

I wasn't putting in enough shifts

Saw two druggies having a '69' in the park earlier today...

He was on crack, she was on blow...

A man was shot earlier today with a starter's pistol

Police suspect the incident was race related.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through the cemetery earlier and saw a guy crouched behind a tombstone..

I said morning! As I walked past

He said no, I'm just having a shit.

I tried to post a joke about foreskin earlier...

but it got removed

I discovered an underground fight club earlier.

Bloody troglodytes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a film with my little boy earlier. He said, “Dad I’m scared, is that woman going to die?”.

I said, “Judging on the size of that horses cock, yes”.

There was an explosion at a French cheese factory earlier today

Officials say theres nothing but de brie left.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

I felt kinda sick at the airport earlier...

It could be a terminal illness.

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