We should ban the sale of pre-shredded cheeses!

Let's make America grate again!

I pre ordered death on Amazon

it feels like it’s taking a lifetime to come

Did you hear cheese companies stopped packaging pre shredded cheese in the USA?

We need to Make America Grate Again

As President, I will have only one policy: The banning of all pre-shredded cheese.

I will make America GRATE again.

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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

My local Trump-supporting grocery store has stopped selling all pre-shredded cheeses

... they want to make America grate again

What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine?

Alien vs predator

Why does it take five pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb?

LOOK IT JUST DOES OKAY?

Trump wants to make it illegal to buy pre-shredded cheese

It's all part of his plan to make America *grate* again.

President Trump announces ban on pre-shredded cheese

When asked about this decision, he was quoted as saying "Make America Grate Again!"

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

Guy: ‘Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?’

Doctor: ‘Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion and killed...

What do pre-teen ducks hate?

Voice quacks.

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

My sister is taking pre-calculus this semester.

One of her homework problems was assigned to page 45 in the textbook, but she couldn't find the problem. I suggested, "Maybe you have the Chinese edition of the book." She goes, "The Chinese edition?"

Y'know, the Wong one.

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?

He couldn't yet spit hot fire

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What's the difference between a preschool and a brothel?

You mean you don't know the difference? You sick fucks.

Why did the alien pre-emptively put perfume on before boarding the human spaceship?

Because the ship had Musk written all over it

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I just finished a book on the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan

Would you like me to samurais it for you?

Pre-tests are a stupid name for it.

They should call them EXAMples

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I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

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A young Hasidic couple goes for pre-marital counseling...

The rabbi sits them down and says, "I want you to know that almost everything in our religion between a man and a woman is permitted, with the exception of dancing. There will be no dancing between a man and a woman."

A bit surprised, the couple looks at each other, and the groom asks the rab...

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency...

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your he...

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke

To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.

I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes...

because he left when I was 2.

I always forget if the P in PMS stands for Pre or Post ...

... but in case of my wife, it stands for Permanent

The internet pre 2008

where the women were men,
the men were boys,
and the children were FBI

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Q. How many women in my house with Premenstrual syndrome does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One.......ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a fucking light bulb motherfucker! They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this motherfuckinghouse in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once th...

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Pre-nup.

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finan...

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage

Before marriage: continue reading ↓

Man: I can't wait for the day to come!

Woman: Can I go back on this?

Man: Of course not!

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Of course!

Woman: Will you cheat on me?

Man: No, why would you have such a thought?

Woman...

I was picking up my sister from pre school when a teacher asked me:

"Are you the father of Sophie?" He did not expect me to answer: "No, just her boyfriend".

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A pregnant woman is in labor

A pregnant woman goes into labor and is rushed into the hospital. While giving birth, she passes out due to the pain. When she wakes up the doctor tells her congrats on her twins. But since she was out cold and they needed to put names on the birth certificates, they had her brother name them.
...

Pre-Marriage vs Post-Marriage

Below is an example of what a typical conversation between a couple on a date will be like :

Guy: "I've never been this happier in my life..."

Girl: "Will you ever leave me?"

Guy: "Not in a million years!"

Girl: "Did you love me?"

Guy: "Of course! I'll always do!"<...

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Pre school teacher : Your child said a bad word in class...

Parent : Where the fuck did he learn that ?

Only pre-2017 kids will get this

A decent public education

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A man was having pre-mature ejaculation problems...

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

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My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

If Donald Trump becomes president, he pledges to prohibit the sales of pre-grated cheese....

Apparently it's in a bid to make America grate again!



(*I'm sorry i'll leave now*)

What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy?

Sudden Lee

A man goes to church for confession....

A man goes to Church to confess..............

Man: Hi Father, my five years old Son is very naughty.
He made all the female servants pregnant.

Father: Incredulously, and how on earth did he do it???

Man: He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms

Pre-Edit: T...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the pre-school?

He woke up.

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

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Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."

The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."

"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."

The doctor says, "...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher are invited to be part of a social experiment.

The doctor is brought into a room with a gorgeous blonde, brunette, and redhead, and asked which one he would most like to sleep with.

The Doctor replies, "I my professional experience, blo...

my pre school guitar teacher...

got in trouble for fingering A minor, but he wasn't as bad as bad as my pre school violin teacher...he fiddled with kids... but both were not nearly as bad as my pre school piano teacher....who raped me in the mouth

I once lived on a street named Prescott avenue...

And my neighboirs had a miscarriage with their already named baby Scott. So they painted over the pre in Prescott and wrote Postscott. Everyone thought they murdered him so there was a police investigation, and they got off Scott free...

There are two eras of modern rap...

Pre Malone and Post Malone

Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: No

Dad: It's Bill Gates' daughter

Son: then ok

Dad: **Goes to Bill Gates**

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son

Bill Gates: No

Dad: My son is the CEO of the world bank

Bill Gates: then ok<...

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what's the best part of...

Having sex with a transvestite?
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

A bit of history

In the Victorian era the rich people drank tea from bone china cups while the poorer classes had to use earthen-ware mugs. Bone china can stand the shock of having boiling water poured directly into it but earthen-ware can't. So the upper classes would pour their teas and then add the milk but the l...

What do you get when you ask a furry to build a computer?

LenOWO, with WinRAWR pre-installed.

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A guy shows up to a Halloween party...

No shoes, shirt, socks...

The hosts asks: what are you supposed to be?

A pre-mature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

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I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week

Needless to say, You need to come early

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

Ace King for a friend

Is it a good hand for a pre-flop raise?

Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray...

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The Jerk With the Megaphone

It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m; I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

“Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
...

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best jokes about Albania, from Romania:

Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.

How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.

Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.

The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's k...

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A tourist walks into a Spanish restaurant

A tourist walks into a Spanish restaurant. While he’s waiting for his waiter, he sees a man in another booth eating a plate of 2, giant meatballs. He asks the waiter

“I’ll have what he’s having”

The waiter replies

“I’m sorry señor but those are the testicles of the bull that was...

I HAD A ROUGH YEAR

It was a tough year, but I made it !!!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
Economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniatu...

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An Amish family takes a day off to visit New York City

An Amish family takes a day off to visit New York City.

They drive their wagon all the way into Time Square because they want to find a hotel with a room overlooking all of the cool sights they have never seen. The husband drops his wife and kids off at the front door of a super fancy hotel a...

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Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!

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Man Goes Skydiving for the first time.

The instructor tells him.



" Now there is nothing to worry about, your Chute is set to open at a set height. If it doesn't open don't Panic, just pull this cord and your Reserve chute will open. When you land there will be a Truck waiting to pick you up.



Guy is pumped up...

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I took my kids grocery shopping with me.

I don’t always buy them something, but if they are well behaved, they are allowed to pick out a toy or treat under $3. On this occasion my daughter found one of those pre-inflated balls with Disney characters printed on them. We make it to the checkout line and the cashier strikes up a conversatio...

Everyone talks about the post office

But nobody ever talks about the pre office.

Donald Trump is visiting Scotland...

...and he is looking around a hospital. When he goes into one ward, a patient sits up and exclaims "Wee, sleekit, cowerin', timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

Not knowing quite what to make of this, the Pres goes on to the next bed where the patient cries out "Fair fa' you...

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

The Police Officer fronted the press conference...

“A major incident happened at the Goodsprings Buddhism and Yoga Retreat this morning. To put it frankly, it was a bloodbath,” explained the Commissioner.

A sea of hands go up from the journalists.

“When did this happen, and why?” asked the first.

The Commission replied “Pr...

I just bought an undiscovered Stradivarius and an original Rembrandt!

Unfortunately, on further investigation I was able to discover that Rembrandt made useless violins and Stradivarius painted like a pre-schooler.

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery...

A woman who was very skeptical of modern medicine, had to get surgery. She was in pre-op and asked the nurse if there was any way she could administer the anesthesia medication herself. To which the nurse replied "I am not sure, I will go ask the surgeon." The nurse leaves to check with the surgeon....

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100% Inappropriate. 100% Sexist. 100% Rude. 50% Funny.

1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Call her.
4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care....

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A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

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