UPJOKE
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Pre Jokes

"pre" means before and "post" means after...

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...


preposterous!

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

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Pre-nup.

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finan...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pre-mature Ejaculation is an inherited disorder

it comes in your genes.

My local tennis club doesn't allow courts to be pre-booked.

It works on a first come, first serve basis.

I pulled my kid out of pre-school because they were indoctrinating him into a socialist liberal mindset

Today, his teacher was teaching him how to share.

Pre lockdown joke..

I’ve just got back from Sainsbury’s and I’ve just seen a fella buying 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paella’s and 3 sombreros.

I thought to myself..
Hispanic Buying.

Pre-requisites

*Airforce*: "No guts, No glory!"

*Marines*: "No retreat, No surrender!"

*Army*: "No pain, No gain!"

*Security Guards*: "No I.D, No entry!"

What does the Mandalorian say during pre-workout?

"This is the whey"

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Pre-pandemic joke

It's 8.30 am. Mom goes up to son's room and see his son is still in bed

M: Get up! Get up! Why are you still in bed? You have to go to school

S: But mom, I hate school! The teachers hate me and the kids are talking behind my back

M: Son, you really have to go to school right no...

OC - What's the binge show of choice for chubby pre-med cows

Graze Anatomy

UPS refused to send my item with USPS pre-paid shipping

Come on man, it’s just one letter!

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I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

I pre ordered death on Amazon

it feels like it’s taking a lifetime to come

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I had my first pre-ejaculation club meeting today

I came extra early. No one was surprised.

The internet pre 2008

where the women were men,
the men were boys,
and the children were FBI

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physic...

I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds.

"ROAR!" he yelled.

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked.

"T Rex!"

Then he said, "HONK!"

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Triceratops," he said.

"Why does a Triceratops honk?"

And he said, "Because it has horns!"

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I went to a party of pre-mature ejaculators

I left early...

Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage

Before marriage: continue reading ↓

Man: I can't wait for the day to come!

Woman: Can I go back on this?

Man: Of course not!

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Of course!

Woman: Will you cheat on me?

Man: No, why would you have such a thought?

Woman...

Why aren’t more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

What do cannibals call it when they play with their pre-adolescent food?

Child dish.

Only pre-2017 kids will get this

A decent public education

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

My local Trump-supporting grocery store has stopped selling all pre-shredded cheeses

... they want to make America grate again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having pre-mature ejaculation problems...

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs?

Appawtizer

What do pre-teen ducks hate?

Voice quacks.

Pre-Marriage vs Post-Marriage

Below is an example of what a typical conversation between a couple on a date will be like :

Guy: "I've never been this happier in my life..."

Girl: "Will you ever leave me?"

Guy: "Not in a million years!"

Girl: "Did you love me?"

Guy: "Of course! I'll always do!"<...

Pre-tests are a stupid name for it.

They should call them EXAMples

No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke

To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.

I quit my job translating Pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the pre-school?

He woke up.

Daddy to the rescue

At a religious school, a teacher asks her pre-school class which part of their body they think goes to Heaven first.

“I think it’s your hands!” a boy answers.

“Why is that?” the teacher asks.

“Because when you pray, you put your hands in front of you,” the boy explains.

“...

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?

He couldn't yet spit hot fire

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

Q: Why are baby otters born furry?

A: The mother pre-furs them that way.

[Came up with this while nursing today's hangover, lol. My brain is now done for the day.]

Why does it take five pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb?

LOOK IT JUST DOES OKAY?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just finished a book on the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan

Would you like me to samurais it for you?

What do you call a bunch of crows that just earned a BS in Biology?

First Degree Pre-med Murder.


Sorry in advance. I'm in the middle of studying criminal law for the bar and know this is super dumb.

I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes...

because he left when I was 2.

A yogi killed a man in the park today...

Allegedly the man wouldn't let the yogi use their favourite spot for their yoga session.

They're calling it pre-meditative murder.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher are invited to be part of a social experiment.

The doctor is brought into a room with a gorgeous blonde, brunette, and redhead, and asked which one he would most like to sleep with.

The Doctor replies, "I my professional experience, blo...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

Why did the alien pre-emptively put perfume on before boarding the human spaceship?

Because the ship had Musk written all over it

I was picking up my sister from pre school when a teacher asked me:

"Are you the father of Sophie?" He did not expect me to answer: "No, just her boyfriend".

I always forget if the P in PMS stands for Pre or Post ...

... but in case of my wife, it stands for Permanent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

Is it possible to repost a joke before the original is posted?

That’s pre-posterous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week

Needless to say, You need to come early

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a preschool and a brothel?

You mean you don't know the difference? You sick fucks.

Where?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
...

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

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