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I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

Ban pre-shredded cheese

Make America Grate Again

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I went to a party of pre-mature ejaculators

I left early...

I quit my job translating Pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

There's only one way the US is going to be able to redeem themselves after this presidency, and that's to outlaw the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

I pre ordered death on Amazon

it feels like it’s taking a lifetime to come

Guy: ‘Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?’

Doctor: ‘Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion and killed...

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I was on a flight from New York to London, waiting to take off. The Captain finished the pre-flight announcements and must have forget to turn off his mic and the next thing we here is...

“You know what Steve; what I’d really like right now is a blow job and a coffee.”

A flight attendant, hearing this going out to the entire plane, started to rush to the cockpit to inform the captain that the mic was still on. The guy next to me yelled out “Hey, Miss! Don’t forget the coffee...

I put a Pre-Owned Sticker on a kid.

He was adopted

My local Trump-supporting grocery store has stopped selling all pre-shredded cheeses

... they want to make America grate again

What do you call a rap battle between 21 savage and Six-Nine?

Alien vs predator

Why does it take five pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb?

LOOK IT JUST DOES OKAY?

Pre-tests are a stupid name for it.

They should call them EXAMples

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What's the difference between a preschool and a brothel?

You mean you don't know the difference? You sick fucks.

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

What do pre-teen ducks hate?

Voice quacks.

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?

He couldn't yet spit hot fire

Why did the alien pre-emptively put perfume on before boarding the human spaceship?

Because the ship had Musk written all over it

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I just finished a book on the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan

Would you like me to samurais it for you?

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I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency...

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your he...

My sister is taking pre-calculus this semester.

One of her homework problems was assigned to page 45 in the textbook, but she couldn't find the problem. I suggested, "Maybe you have the Chinese edition of the book." She goes, "The Chinese edition?"

Y'know, the Wong one.

I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes...

because he left when I was 2.

No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke

To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.

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Q. How many women in my house with Premenstrual syndrome does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One.......ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a fucking light bulb motherfucker! They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this motherfuckinghouse in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once th...

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Pre-nup.

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finan...

I always forget if the P in PMS stands for Pre or Post ...

... but in case of my wife, it stands for Permanent

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

The internet pre 2008

where the women were men,
the men were boys,
and the children were FBI

Pre-Marriage vs Post-Marriage

Below is an example of what a typical conversation between a couple on a date will be like :

Guy: "I've never been this happier in my life..."

Girl: "Will you ever leave me?"

Guy: "Not in a million years!"

Girl: "Did you love me?"

Guy: "Of course! I'll always do!"<...

Dads are like boomerangs...





...I hope.



Pre-edit: I heard this last night at a bar. Hopefully, it's not a repost.

Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage

Before marriage: continue reading ↓

Man: I can't wait for the day to come!

Woman: Can I go back on this?

Man: Of course not!

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Of course!

Woman: Will you cheat on me?

Man: No, why would you have such a thought?

Woman...

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

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When you get that funny feeling your wife is going to refuse to have sex with you . . .

It’s a pre dick shun.

I was picking up my sister from pre school when a teacher asked me:

"Are you the father of Sophie?" He did not expect me to answer: "No, just her boyfriend".

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Pre school teacher : Your child said a bad word in class...

Parent : Where the fuck did he learn that ?

Only pre-2017 kids will get this

A decent public education

If Donald Trump becomes president, he pledges to prohibit the sales of pre-grated cheese....

Apparently it's in a bid to make America grate again!



(*I'm sorry i'll leave now*)

What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy?

Sudden Lee

A man goes to church for confession....

A man goes to Church to confess..............

Man: Hi Father, my five years old Son is very naughty.
He made all the female servants pregnant.

Father: Incredulously, and how on earth did he do it???

Man: He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms

Pre-Edit: T...

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A man was having pre-mature ejaculation problems...

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the pre-school?

He woke up.

Dollar pints

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We do try ...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher are invited to be part of a social experiment.

The doctor is brought into a room with a gorgeous blonde, brunette, and redhead, and asked which one he would most like to sleep with.

The Doctor replies, "I my professional experience, blo...

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what's the best part of...

Having sex with a transvestite?
Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

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My Loving Wife

A couple years ago I met the love of my life. She's beautiful, intelligent, and compliments all of my weaknesses with her strengths. Recently, she became pregnant and I could not be more filled with joy. We found out we were having a boy, which was the perfect icing on the cake. Now there will be so...

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A man signs up to be a special effects supervisor in a studio.

A man, Dave, signs up to be a special fx supervisor in a film making studio. His job was to study different “boards” each containing different sound effects, and he was to pick out the most pleasing and configure them to his preferences.

The first day, Dave went to work and he was directed to...

What do you call a group of crows at a planned meet up?

Pre-meditated Murder.

What do you call a group of agitated crows?

Aggravated Murder.

I will see myself out.

Since dinosaurs came earlier than humans...

They are pre-daters.

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I am holding a pre-mature ejaculation club meeting next week

Needless to say, You need to come early

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

Business

Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: No

Dad: It's Bill Gates' daughter

Son: then ok

Dad: **Goes to Bill Gates**

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son

Bill Gates: No

Dad: My son is the CEO of the world bank

Bill Gates: then ok<...

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Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."

The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."

"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."

The doctor says, "...

There are two eras of modern rap...

Pre Malone and Post Malone

I once lived on a street named Prescott avenue...

And my neighboirs had a miscarriage with their already named baby Scott. So they painted over the pre in Prescott and wrote Postscott. Everyone thought they murdered him so there was a police investigation, and they got off Scott free...

Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

What do you get when you ask a furry to build a computer?

LenOWO, with WinRAWR pre-installed.

A bit of history

In the Victorian era the rich people drank tea from bone china cups while the poorer classes had to use earthen-ware mugs. Bone china can stand the shock of having boiling water poured directly into it but earthen-ware can't. So the upper classes would pour their teas and then add the milk but the l...

when four of Santa's elves got sick...

when four of Santa's elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

then Mrs. Klaus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

when he went to harness the reind...

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A guy shows up to a Halloween party...

No shoes, shirt, socks...

The hosts asks: what are you supposed to be?

A pre-mature ejaculation. I just came in my pants.

Ace King for a friend

Is it a good hand for a pre-flop raise?

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The Jerk With the Megaphone

It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m; I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:

“Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
...

They're having a huge sale at the mobile home dealership.

The prices are pre-fabulous

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best jokes about Albania, from Romania:

Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.

How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.

Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.

The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's k...

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