I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

What does the Mandalorian say during pre-workout?

"This is the whey"

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds.

"ROAR!" he yelled.

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked.

"T Rex!"

Then he said, "HONK!"

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Triceratops," he said.

"Why does a Triceratops honk?"

And he said, "Because it has horns!"

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

pre means before and post means after,

to use both at the same time would be...



preposterous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't sure what to wear to my Pre-Mature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting...

so I just came in my pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

I told my online friend that I'm a body builder and he asked what my pre-work out was.

Apparently lots of mcdonald's along with everything else I eat wasn't what he would've assumed.

I love going to pet shops. If I see an empty cage, I put a large pre prepared sign, saying "CHAMELEON"....

(stand back and watch the fun.)

Why do PC builders hate adoption?

Because they dont want a pre-build

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wanna make America grate again.

Pre lockdown joke..

I’ve just got back from Sainsbury’s and I’ve just seen a fella buying 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paella’s and 3 sombreros.

I thought to myself..
Hispanic Buying.

From my kids: What do you call a pre meal snack for dogs?

Appawtizer

Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.

My wife told me it is called a “pre-natal sun burn”. Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.

Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child’s skin dark brown but he shouldn’t feel any pain.

She told me that there...

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Pre-pandemic joke

It's 8.30 am. Mom goes up to son's room and see his son is still in bed

M: Get up! Get up! Why are you still in bed? You have to go to school

S: But mom, I hate school! The teachers hate me and the kids are talking behind my back

M: Son, you really have to go to school right no...

Di d y ou k n o w

tha t it’ s po s s ib l e to wri t e on t he phon e wit h you r p e ni s?
Th e on ly is su e is bal ls pre ssin g sp a c e a ll th e ti me

A teacher gives his pre-K students a riddle.

Teacher: A train was moving in the East direction at a speed of 100 mph. Another train was moving in the opposite direction at 200 mph.
What is my age?

Student: 70

Teacher- Right Answer! How’d you figure out?

Student: I have an uncle named Larry. He is 35 years old and only ...

Join my new national campaign and ban pre-grated cheese.

so we can make Britan grate again

Pre-requisites

*Airforce*: "No guts, No glory!"

*Marines*: "No retreat, No surrender!"

*Army*: "No pain, No gain!"

*Security Guards*: "No I.D, No entry!"

Complicated Concept!

A professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture. A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does ph...

Why aren’t more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

Yo momma so old...

She pre-ordered the bible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had my first pre-ejaculation club meeting today

I came extra early. No one was surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I finally persuaded my frigid wife to make a sex-tape last month, and now she thinks we could make a living as porn stars.

Although so far, we've had no pre-orders for Disinterested Blowjobs 2.

A long time ago, I had a job where I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.

It feels like ancient history.

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

My local Trump-supporting grocery store has stopped selling all pre-shredded cheeses

... they want to make America grate again

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

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I went to a party of pre-mature ejaculators

I left early...

Did you hear the joke about censorship?

You might expect to simply see the word \[removed\] here, but actually most censorship is self-censorship whereby people edit their own work to pre-empt any conflict with the censors, so please DM me for the answer to this joke

My son only knows the first 10 letters of the Alphabet

Turns out we sent him to a pre-k school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a flight from New York to London, waiting to take off. The Captain finished the pre-flight announcements and must have forget to turn off his mic and the next thing we here is...

“You know what Steve; what I’d really like right now is a blow job and a coffee.”

A flight attendant, hearing this going out to the entire plane, started to rush to the cockpit to inform the captain that the mic was still on. The guy next to me yelled out “Hey, Miss! Don’t forget the coffee...

I pre ordered death on Amazon

it feels like it’s taking a lifetime to come

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

There's only one way the US is going to be able to redeem themselves after this presidency, and that's to outlaw the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pre-nup.

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finan...

NEWS FLASH: Massive earthquake devastates Pakistan

I major earthquake hits pakistan causing massive damage and loss of lives. Early reports outline damage to infrastructure, roads, power and water supply. A horryfying number of confirmed casulties lists 1 million dead with many stilll unaccounted for.

The world leaders have come to togeth...

I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes...

because he left when I was 2.

Why does it take five pre-menstrual women to change a lightbulb?

LOOK IT JUST DOES OKAY?

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I just finished a book on the military nobility of pre-industrial Japan

Would you like me to samurais it for you?

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw the rapper Shaggy perform at the Super Bowl pre-game concert. In case you're wondering who invited him...

It wasn't me.

No one laughed at my pre-workout routine joke

To be fair, it was a bit of a stretch.

Pre-tests are a stupid name for it.

They should call them EXAMples

The internet pre 2008

where the women were men,
the men were boys,
and the children were FBI

Only pre-2017 kids will get this

A decent public education

What do pre-teen ducks hate?

Voice quacks.

I saw a Facebook post from an old friend the other day

He’d been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. He’d been a smoker all his life so I wasn’t too surprised. Everyone was commenting on the post and wishing him well, but I decided to go out of my way to show him I really cared. First, I called the local market and had them send a basket of pears to ...

Abortion isn't murder

It's cancelling a pre-order

Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?

He couldn't yet spit hot fire

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage

Before marriage: continue reading ↓

Man: I can't wait for the day to come!

Woman: Can I go back on this?

Man: Of course not!

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Of course!

Woman: Will you cheat on me?

Man: No, why would you have such a thought?

Woman...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having pre-mature ejaculation problems...

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were ha...

Why did the alien pre-emptively put perfume on before boarding the human spaceship?

Because the ship had Musk written all over it

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the pre-school?

He woke up.

I was picking up my sister from pre school when a teacher asked me:

"Are you the father of Sophie?" He did not expect me to answer: "No, just her boyfriend".

I always forget if the P in PMS stands for Pre or Post ...

... but in case of my wife, it stands for Permanent

Pre-Marriage vs Post-Marriage

Below is an example of what a typical conversation between a couple on a date will be like :

Guy: "I've never been this happier in my life..."

Girl: "Will you ever leave me?"

Guy: "Not in a million years!"

Girl: "Did you love me?"

Guy: "Of course! I'll always do!"<...

Merry Christmas from the FAA

Santa decided to make sure that his equipment was working. He hitched up the reindeer and ran pre-flight tests on the sleigh. Everything was just fine. As he swung up into the seat, he sees a man wearing a trenchcoat and carrying a shotgun walking towards him.

The man smiles and says, "Hi! I'...

If Donald Trump becomes president, he pledges to prohibit the sales of pre-grated cheese....

Apparently it's in a bid to make America grate again!



(*I'm sorry i'll leave now*)

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer and an accountant were all up for a job interview

A mathematician, an engineer, a lawyer, and an accountant were all up for a job interview:

The mathematician was called in and asked as part of the interview, “What is 1+1?” The mathematician gets his calculator out and does the calculation and says “2.”

The engineer is then asked the ...

Breaking News: Secretary of Defense Mattis has released an official statement on the realistic outlook of a North Korean pre-emptive attack.

*"We'd whoop-them-Gangum-style."*

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two male friends decide to spend their holiday together

They don't have a lot of money so they decide to rent a small room for them both. Unfortunately the only one available has only one double bed.

After all they are close friends and know each other since pre-school. A couple of nights in the same bed is not a problem.

One night after pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My pet turtle Francois

When I was a kid, I had a pet turtle named Francois. He was just a red eared slider, but I thought he was the coolest thing ever.

One summer, I went to camp, and Francois died. My father was the worst at breaking bad news, so he said Francois was alive and well -- and living with my mother. ...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher...

A doctor, a businessman, and a pre-school teacher are invited to be part of a social experiment.

The doctor is brought into a room with a gorgeous blonde, brunette, and redhead, and asked which one he would most like to sleep with.

The Doctor replies, "I my professional experience, blo...

Guy: ‘Doctor, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the condom never broke. How is it possible?’

Doctor: ‘Let me tell you a story. There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion and killed...

What do you call a pre-maturely born Chinese boy?

Sudden Lee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old, gross joke about deer hunting



*This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent.*

I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game wa...

If crows plan to make a group...

Is it a pre-meditated murder?

Classical joke

I remember once in pre-virus times, I was standing in a fairly long line for a classical music concert. A dude on a skateboard rode up to me and asked “what’s all the excitement about? Who’s playing?” I told him “Yo-Yo Ma.” And he punched me in the face!

A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked o...

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