I told my wife I had a dream that in a previous life she was Chinese...

... She told me that was impossible because she has never been Wong.

Boxes of previously uncounted ballots have been found in Florida

Associated Press is now declaring the State of Florida for Al Gore

If a joke is posted on reddit and no-one's previously heard it...

is it even funny?

I couldn't keep working on my previous job after what my boss said to me

What did she say?

She said "You're fired."

My Dad's fav, previously posted but lost....

What's the difference between a post box and an elephants bum?
Don't know
Well, I'm not sending you out to post a letter.

My friend thinks he was a god in his previous life

I don't think he was being Sirius !

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

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An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn’t know how to tell him what she w...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

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A woman tells her therapist that her husband made 2 fat jokes about her the previous day.

Husband: That's a lie.


Therapist: Then why would she remember you making them?


Husband: Because elephants never forget.

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract COVID19. All dogs previously quarantined can now be released.

In short, WHO let the dogs out.

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

Now you know

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In t...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

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By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Typical Camp Commander

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over and asked them why do they do it.

"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"

The new camp commander sea...

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They need the money.

Two poor friends can't get jobs during the pandemic. They got fired from a lumber yard during layoffs. They decide they should join the armed forces. The Air Force pays the most so the both go to the recruiting office the next day. The first guy goes in and the recruiter asks him what his former job...

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of a previously unknown pharaoh.

When they opened it, the mummy was covered in chocolate and nuts. The hieroglyphics identified him as Pharaoh Roche.

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

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The stubborn duck

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any coffee?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell coffee. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any coffee?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the b...

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[NSFW] The Vatican is about to select 5 archbishops from a group of 30 religious and pious priests. Due to previous scandals and accusations the Pope has decided to make the appointment procedure different and complicated so that only the best remains.

All the priests were stripped naked and a bell was tied to their penis. After that right in front of them, a group of 30 gorgeous nude women were brought. The goal was to find out how much resistance the priests have and how strong their devotion to God was. The ladies started to dance, twerk, even ...

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The tale of the bear and the rabbit

A bear and a rabbit is sitting next to each other in the woods, taking a shit when the bear asks the rabbit. “Do you mind when you get shit stuck in your fur? “No.” says the rabbit. The bear then proceeds to wipe his ass with the rabbit.

A few weeks later, as both walk together they stumble ...

A man goes to a marriage agency to see about finding a wife...

The agency man (AM) who works there greets him and starts to ask him the usual questions to get to know him. Name, age, that kind of thing. He also asks him -

AM - "So, you have been married before?"

"Twice" the man responds.

AM - "Ah ok. I see. So what happened to your previous...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

So a KGB inspector goes to visit a Siberian prison to check on the inmates in their cells.

First he goes to the first cell and asks the inmate "why were you arrested?" The inmate replies him "My watch was always 10 minutes late and thus i was always late for work so they assumed that i was late because i was planning a coup".
He then proceeds to go to the second cell and asks the inmat...

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Larry the horny Cockerel

Farmer goes to market to buy a cockerel to mate with his hens. At the market he sees one going very cheap. The previous owner is very happy to sell it. Back at the farm the cockerel (now named Larry) is set among the henhouse, the farmer goes to bed.
Larry Fucks most of the hens to death, jumps ...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

A radio DJ is on air and comes up with a competition

The winner will get £1000 if they can come up with a word, not in the dictionary without checking.

Several listeners call in but unfortunately their responses were already in the dictionary.

Hamish, a Scottish listener, phones in and says "Goan"

The DJ checks the dictionary an...

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation. Last time we did this we got out of the building in 43 seconds.

When the alarm went off today we all ran out, but I accidentally bumped a drill off one of the tables.

The supervisor said “We got 40 seconds so we have beaten our previo...

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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An Asian man goes on a trip to America

He goes to an American Bank to converts his money to dollars, while going through his trip he meets a generous old friend who decides to let him stay in his place and also pay for his expenses during his stay.

After a few days he decides to return back to his country and heads to the bank to...

An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sperm sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man ...

John the fisherman

A fisherman walks into a bank to apply for a loan.

The banker sits him down and goes: "So, what was your net gain for the previous year?"

The fisherman thinks for a bit and says: "An assortment of tuna fish"

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

TIL that if reddit is down you can still see all of the top posts of the previous week

You just have to visit Buzzfeed or ebaumsworld

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

Friend :What was the best thing that happened to you in your previous relationship?

Me: The Break up.

I just bought a rescue dog!

It must have previously been owned by a locksmith, ‘cos when I got home it made a bolt for the door.

[LONG][INSPIRING] America: The land of opportunity

Good Read!
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in New York walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
...

Why did the group of previously miscarried mothers meet at chilis?

They wanted their baby back ...baby back... baby back

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mods removed the previous joke that summited about my penis.

It was improperly tagged as long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Studies show that young people these days are having less sex than previous generations

I knew I was ahead of my time.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle, "you a...

A guy walks into an exotic restaurant in Spain

Waiter: "How can I help you?"

Customer: "I'm looking for the most exotic thing you have"

Waiter: "You're in luck, I'll return shortly"

Waiter leaves and returns with a bowl containing something unfamiliar to the customer.

Customer: "What's this?"

Waiter: "Every we...

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

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A boy turns 14 and asks his dad if he could have a car as his present.

Dad asks "Can your d reach yor a* hole?" The boy stretches as much as possible, but doesn't make it.
"No, dad, it doesn't" he replies. Dad says " Well, you're not grown up enough for a car. Let's see again next year." The boy turns 15 and asks his dad for the same present. Dad asks "Can your d ...

A 13 boy year old spent the previous 10 years of his life living with wolves

He is found, and released back into the human world. He sees wonders he never saw before. He is asking about how cars work, how you're not supposed to eat raw meat, how radio works, the constellations, until one day, he walks in on the couple designated to reintroduce him to human society getting bu...

In my previous life, night time would never help me have erection

But morning wood

Ranking all my previous relationships on a chart...

I have an 'ex' axis and a 'why' axis.

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Three ministers and their wives were riding in a van to a conference...

when the driver took a curve too fast, sending the vehicle off the road and over a cliff. All six perished, and found themselves in line at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter called the first couple forward, examined his book, then looked sadly at the minister.

“I’m sorry to say that I can’t l...

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?

A punchline.

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827."

Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the prev...

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Basil worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some...

My resolution for the next year? The same as the previous years...

1920 x 1080

Buckin' Bronco

Late one evening a mother and father were feeling frisky and started to go at it. They didn't hear little Johnny sneak into the room. The father was on top, and little Johnny hopped on his back, and yelled giddy up horsey. Immediately the father froze, absolutely mortified when he realized what was ...

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John and the cab driver

One cold, winter evening John finished his office job in London Victoria and went straight to the pub. He had few drinks too many that night and decided to take a cab home, but when he looked in his wallet he only had last £20 inside. He approached a black cab outside the pub and asked how much woul...

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A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

2 carpenters hard at work talking about there previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" the first one said

"That was a bit unreasonable ," replied the second

"It was alright" said the first one,

"I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mellinials today definitely have it easier than previous generations...

My grandfather had to cross the Atlantic to punch a Nazi.

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An old man grabs a seat at the bar...

An old man grabs a seat at the bar and order a double scotch, which the barman promptly serves him. After drinking all his glass in one shot, he asks for another one, which the barman serves him.

The old man then say "How about a little friendly bet my friend?". The barman repond "why not" a...

I rented a house out of town.

It looks so isolated and peaceful. I asked the landlord if the house was rented by anyone before. He said that the house was previously rented by many ones. I asked why they left house and he said that they never left the house. I didn't get what he said.

A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.

100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up.

“I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.”

And with a wave of the ange...

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A snake bit a man on his penis

Two friends were hiking deep in the woods for a few days. On the second day, while one hiker is peeing, he is bitten by a snake on his penis. Through excruciating pain, he manages to crawl back to the campsite to his friend.

\*"A snake bit me on the penis!! You need to go get help!"\*
...

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office.

Mexican dude flees to the US without realizing that Trump's in office. Changes identity and calls himself Ted. Trump throws out all the Mexicans but Ted (who was previously Juan), just graffitis "Still Mexican. Still here." at random places around the country. The cops can't find him but they do kno...

I mimic the voices of my previous girlfriends whenever I'm out in public.

I'm a bit of an excentric

I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?"

I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."

A blonde and a brunette are discussing the previous night out...

The brunette says, "Last night I slept with a Brazilian."

"Oh my god!" the blonde replies. "How many is THAT?"

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Hitler dies and is sent to hell.

He spends 30 earthly years there being tourtured and abused, going through worse than he even could imagine.

After this time, god calls him up for a talk, considering a pardon. He asks Hitler: "If I sent you back to earth today, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I would load all the ...

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Net Neutrality won't ruin everyone's life unlike previously stated

I have it on good authority that the Amish don't give a fuck

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This general goes to war and loses his left eye

(Translating this joke from Urdu to English. Let's see how it goes)

This general goes to war and loses his left eye so he visits the eye doctor and asks the doctor his options. The doctor tells him that he could put an artificial eye in his left eye socket. The general agrees and after a few ...

A telemarketer called me up 15 minutes ago on my cellphone (they call every fxxking day)

He said, "We have a vehicle warranty and have noticed that you are in need of one."

I said, "How do you know that I am in need of a warranty right now?"

He said, "Your previous warranty just recently lapsed and we need to make sure that you are continually covered."

I said, "I a...

New president of a country is handed 3 envelopes by the previous leader.

President of a country is handed 3 numbered envelopes by the previous leader. Previous leader says "If you screw anything up, then open one of the envelopes and it will tell you what to do."

Eventually, over time, the president screws some things up. Everyone gets mad at him and threatens t...

My friend is a hunter, before he sets off hunting he takes the meat from a previous hunt and rubs it all over his head.

It's how he gets his game face on.

Got a bill in the mail today but it was addressed to the previous occupants and I had to send it back.

Repost.

A joke I heard several years ago...

The former president gives the new president 3 boxes and asks him to open one each time he is in a major crisis.

When faced with his first crisis, he opens the first box and it says "blame it on the previous administration"

When faced with his second crisis, he opens the second box and...

2 blondes are talking with each other about their previous nights

The first blonde says "It was amazing! I slept with a Brazilian guy!"

The other blonde replies "OMG! How many is a Brazilian?!"

After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.

I really need to stop drinking on duty.

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Everyone knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his mate Jim one day, "Y'know, I know absolutely everyone Jim! Just name someone, anyone, and I can introduce you."

Tired of his constant boasting, Jim tried to call him out, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No worries mate, Tom and I are old friends and I can pr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

This year's Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge

As big as the previous two combined

I keep getting unlucky in relationships. My last girlfriend had no personality

And the previous one had 3

The photographers of previous generations had it tough.

No matter how hard they tried, they always developed a negative image.

I spotted one of my previous girlfriends in the shop yesterday

It was an ex-sighting experience.

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

Why did my app lose its previously large female following?

Because it went into beta. :(

A man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the previous night.

"You'll get your chance in court," the desk seargeant told him.

"I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife," pleaded the man. "I've been trying to do that for years!"

A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a murder committed the previous night

Detective: Well, who do you think did it?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.

Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to servitude to the Lord.

When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.

So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isn’t copying a mistake?

Brother John ponders this and decides, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Japanese sword smith meets his three sons at a shrine, and explains his final wish.

"I refuse to die until I am a great-grand father." He says. "Until you all three of you have given me a great-grand child, I will live on. When each of you grant me this, I will give you all a sword, each matching your personalities." After I give you the swords, I will die.

The child of the ...

For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19

Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should have known that this year was going to look like ass

After all hind sight is 2020



Edited from my previous post

A native american man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies. When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, they people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold w...

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