Previous Jokes - 94 Hilarious Previous Jokes

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By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

H...

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

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The mods removed the previous joke that summited about my penis.

It was improperly tagged as long.

The latest 23andMe data breach is believed to be perpetrated by the same hacker from the previous breach.

It appears they're related.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night.

He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight.

He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall.

He smashed the first bottle swearing, "you are the reason I fight with my wife".

He smashed the second bottle, "you a...

I like a house that shows sign of wear and tear from previous owners.

But all the police keep saying is "That doesn't explain the blood on the walls."

I think I was a bull in a previous lifetime

because I’m attracted to red flags

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

A blonde and a brunette are discussing the previous night out...

The brunette says, "Last night I slept with a Brazilian."

"Oh my god!" the blonde replies. "How many is THAT?"

Every day I beat my own previous record

for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

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I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity

It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.

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Two Russian women are foraging through a previously harvested potato field.

One is lucky to find two large spuds. She holds them up and says,

“Deez potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles”

The other replies,

“Oh my, are dey dat big?”

“NO, dey are dis dirty”

I've just finished a graph charting my previous relationships...

It has an Ex axis and a Why axis.

TIL that if reddit is down you can still see all of the top posts of the previous week

You just have to visit Buzzfeed or ebaumsworld

We just found an original Stradivarius and a previously undiscovered Rembrandt in my grandad's attic!

Unfortunately it turns out that Rembrandt made useless fiddles and Stradivarius couldn't paint worth a cuss.

Tired of job interviews asking me how I overcame difficulties throughout the previous year

I don’t have 2020 vision

My Dad's fav, previously posted but lost....

What's the difference between a post box and an elephants bum?
Don't know
Well, I'm not sending you out to post a letter.

Do you know that John Hammond killed all of the previous vice-president’s former wives?

He spared no ex-Pence

Boxes of previously uncounted ballots have been found in Florida

Associated Press is now declaring the State of Florida for Al Gore

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

My friend thinks he was a god in his previous life

I don't think he was being Sirius !

I told my wife I had a dream that in a previous life she was Chinese...

... She told me that was impossible because she has never been Wong.

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

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A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

If a joke is posted on reddit and no-one's previously heard it...

is it even funny?

The Washington Football Team got rid of their previous name because it was offensive

So why didn't they get rid of their offensive linemen?

Archaeologists have discovered the tomb of a previously unknown pharaoh.

When they opened it, the mummy was covered in chocolate and nuts. The hieroglyphics identified him as Pharaoh Roche.

2 carpenters hard at work talking about there previous jobs,

"I got the sack once for being just two mil out!" the first one said

"That was a bit unreasonable ," replied the second

"It was alright" said the first one,

"I didn't really want to be an accountant anyway."

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Net Neutrality won't ruin everyone's life unlike previously stated

I have it on good authority that the Amish don't give a fuck

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A woman tells her therapist that her husband made 2 fat jokes about her the previous day.

Husband: That's a lie.

Therapist: Then why would she remember you making them?

Husband: Because elephants never forget.

Employee on NSFW Sites...

Boss: What have you been working on the last few hours?

Employee: A graphic display of convergent asynchronous load distribution.

Boss: The tracker flagged you on bukkake sites.

Employee: I stand by my previous statement.

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

The photographers of previous generations had it tough.

No matter how hard they tried, they always developed a negative image.

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Studies show young people are having less sex than previous generations.

I knew I was ahead of my time.

In my previous life, night time would never help me have erection

But morning wood

2 blondes are talking with each other about their previous nights

The first blonde says "It was amazing! I slept with a Brazilian guy!"

The other blonde replies "OMG! How many is a Brazilian?!"

My resolution for the next year? The same as the previous years...

1920 x 1080

Friend :What was the best thing that happened to you in your previous relationship?

Me: The Break up.

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

New president of a country is handed 3 envelopes by the previous leader.

President of a country is handed 3 numbered envelopes by the previous leader. Previous leader says "If you screw anything up, then open one of the envelopes and it will tell you what to do."

Eventually, over time, the president screws some things up. Everyone gets mad at him and threatens t...

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The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

Version of previous post.

One of the patrons at a bar opened a bag of potato chips and gave it to the bartender's dog. When the dog ate the contents of the bag, he lay down and started grooming his genitals. A guy says to his friend ''I wish I could do that.'' The friend replies ''Well give him a chip and maybe he will let y...

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Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

Referenced my previous girlfriend in an academic paper

It was very ex-citing

In a previous life I was a psychoanalyst that turned to prostitution to pay for a rare piece of art.

Don't judge me.

I was Jung and I needed the Monet.

I mimic the voices of my previous girlfriends whenever I'm out in public.

I'm a bit of an excentric

My previous relationship was like a presidential term.

It aged me prematurely and my replacement was elected two months before I was officially out of office!

I spotted one of my previous girlfriends in the shop yesterday

It was an ex-sighting experience.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Why did my app lose its previously large female following?

Because it went into beta. :(

Job interview at NASA, in 2123.

Interviewer : Can you explain this ten year gap in your resume?

Applicant : Oh, that was when we went to Proxima Centauri, with my previous job.

Interviewer : Impressive! But why didn't you write it in?

Applicant : Oh you know, it was just a two-days trip...

The job interviewer asked about my previous experience.

"Well," I began, "I got the bus. Got lost for a while, walked down some narrow roads and I ended up here."

A 13 boy year old spent the previous 10 years of his life living with wolves

He is found, and released back into the human world. He sees wonders he never saw before. He is asking about how cars work, how you're not supposed to eat raw meat, how radio works, the constellations, until one day, he walks in on the couple designated to reintroduce him to human society getting bu...

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.

I really need to stop drinking on duty.

I've never loved this joke but I'm posting as a result of a previous, lesser joke (my opinion, prove me wrong)

A man sees a beautiful woman on the street realizing he must have her, he propositions;

"I'll give you $10,000 for you to make love to me" he says

Considering the financial windfall the woman accepts.

The man then asks frugally "ok how about $500?"

Insulted the woman re...

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

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This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy

.

>!gf is prego!<

>!we like to get kinky anyways!<

>!one night things get particularly saucy!<

>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<

>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob...

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A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

Have you heard of Y2K jelly?

It allows you to insert four digits into your date where you could previously only fit two.

I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?"

I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A man went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the previous night.

"You'll get your chance in court," the desk seargeant told him.

"I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife," pleaded the man. "I've been trying to do that for years!"

Got a bill in the mail today but it was addressed to the previous occupants and I had to send it back.

Repost.

Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?

It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question, a superfluously expanded vocabulary, and a blatant disregard for previously established axioms?

A punchline.

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

After all my previous failures I've decided that I won't let this happen again and I will train like I've never trained before!!!

Choo! Choooooooooo!

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

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A haunted house

'I can't believe how cheap this estate is! Please tell me: Is there any catch to it?'

'Well, to be honest, it's allegedly haunted ... the previous owners sold it because they claimed they saw ghosts from Monday to Saturday.'

'Ghosts? That's pretty concerning ... How do they look like?'...

A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.

The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."

The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."

The blonde...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

Ray Manzarek, Ric Ocasek, and Sting were talking about forming a new band after moving on from their previous bands.

They were going to call themselves The Police Car Doors.

A bear walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

The bear says "I'd like a rum and coke."

The bartender gives the bear a strange look and says, "Wait, I remember you from a previous joke. What happened to the big pause?"

The bear said, "I lost one in a trap."

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

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Make sure to poop before midnight on 31st December.

You don't want to hold on to previous year's shit.

One American Soldier

My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home:

One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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An Japanese man walks into a bank...

... and goes up to the teller. Even though he is new to speaking English, he says, "I wish to exchange 400 of my currency for US dollars. The teller proceeds to do so and they politely part ways. A few days pass and the Japanese man again walks into the bank, again to exchange the same amount curren...

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

Who is Jack Schitt? (Long)

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was ma...

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

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A medical school graduate starts her residency in a hospital for unusual cases

On her first day, she’s getting a tour of the facility by her supervisor while she takes notes.

They make their way to a room with a man who is masturbating ferociously. The med school grad asks her supervisor, “What disease does this man have?”

“Oh, it’s a very rare disease in whi...

What does a software engineer do when in an argument with his wife?

He copy-pastes from a previous argument. Why reinvent the wheel?

"What did you think of my new Fibonacci joke?" the man asked.

"It was as bad as your previous two Fibonacci jokes combined," she taunted.

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