UPJOKE
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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

I had a prior career as a night time sniper

Every mission was a shot in the dark.

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Scottish blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to the hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

...

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the growth state of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant a...

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

I was with a funeral director, planning my final arrangements. He asked me if I wanted to have a family viewing prior to the services.

I told him "Remains to be seen."

I applied to the local rock quarry...

Apparently getting stoned is not acceptable prior work experience.

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend, but they're worried about becoming intimate because she doesn't want to get a bunch of splinters. So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto and asks for assistance with the problem. Geppetto suggests that Pinocchio apply a little bit of sandpaper to his privates prior to the in...

Are you searching for a remote job with no prior experience required, $120k base pay+commission and a high-end company car? PM me.

We'll search together.

A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training.

As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away. Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use. Finally she decides the best th...

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

A 10 year old protestant boy and a 10 year old catholic girl are standing on a river bank.

The girl says, "my mom will be really angry if my shoes get wet"
And so they both agree to remove their shoes prior to entering the water.

They wade into the water and it starts getting deeper...

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.

The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do ...

So a man, his son and his daughter go out fishing prior to fishing season...

So man, his son and his daughter go out fishing prior to their local fishing season. In their region it is illegal to keep the fish that they catch prior to the season, but it is still legal to fish. After about one hour and a half, the man hooks a beautiful 55cm cod. He leans over and goes to put t...

You know, they're making the prospective Mars astronauts shave their whole bodies prior to departure. That way, when it's time for blastoff...

they'll baldly go where no man has gone before.

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

One day, prior to the world cup, the US national soccer team manager was visiting Belgium

He was having a meeting with Roberto Martinez, and they were discussing the efficiency of their soccer team.

"Our population is over 300 millions and yet we have failed to qualify for the world cup, Roberto... How did you manage to do so with such a small country ?"

"You know Dave," sa...

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

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A pilot addresses his passengers prior to take off but he forgets to turn off the intercom.

He leans over to his copilot and says, "hey, I'm gonna take a shit and then go get a blowjob from that hot blonde stewardess"

The Blonde stewardess bolts for the cockpit and an old woman screams, "slowdown honey, he said he had to take a shit first."

Prior to officially becoming a part of the United States, what was Oregon like?

It was very unOregonized.

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A church needed a new bell ringer

A church needed a new bell ringer, so the priest placed a want ad in the local paper. Soon, a man showed up to apply for the job.

The priest, on seeing that the man had no arms, said, "My son, I'm afraid there is no way for you to do this job."

"Father, I really need this job, and I'm...

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

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Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

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What do you call the dick your girl had before you?

Richard Prior

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Elderly couple getting married

An elderly couple had been going out for some time and decided to get married.

Prior to the big day, the woman asks the gent "What about sex?"

He quickly responds, "Infrequently."

She ponders and then asks, "Is that one word or two?"

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

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Revolutionary origin of a phrase.

It's the night before Battle of the Trenton and the Soldiers and staff are Cold.

First Lieutenant Cox goes to General Washington and suggests that the army go door to door in the local town and ask that the local residents put up the General's staff overnight, prior to the battle.

Wash...

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The Duck in the Bottle

A man is on a quest for true enlightenment. His travels led him to sit with the Dalai Lama.

Man: Sir, do you have the answer for enlightenment?

The religious figure walks away but comes back with a bottle and a duck.

He hands both to the man and tells him,

"The day yo...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder.

Prior to his incarceration, he worked on a farm helping his father dig and prepare the land for plants.

His father wrote to him:” Oh, how I miss when you were here to help me prepare the fields. Now I must do everything alone.”
...

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Holmes and Watson examining a naked dead body..

“Do you see that reddish impression there around the neck there Watson?” asked Holmes, pointing to the markings.

“Yes Sir, I see it” replied Watson.

“What do you make of it?”

“I’d say strangulation, Sir”.

“My thinking also Watson”.

Holmes moved to the feet, “...

A guy adopts a pink parrot from an old sailor....

unfortunately, it swears like an old sailor. He tries everything to get it to stop. He even destroyed the parrot's old cage, but that just made it worse. Then he noticed his mom coming up to the house. What could he do? He couldn't let his dear sweet mother hear this foul mouthed bird. So, he p...

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A group of five park wardens decided to start a band together...

... They all agreed on playing music of a rock subgerne kind, mixed in with symphonic elements, fantasy based subject matter and strong choruses. However they could not agree on a specific aesthetic, as each one of them turned up for their first practice session with a different color scheme.
...

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

A couple live outside Buffalo, and are used to the rhythms of preparing for large snows.

One of these preparations for many years has been tuning in to the local radio station at 6:00 the night before a storm for an important announcement.

On a typical pre-storm night, the wife would tune in just prior to 6 to hear a message about which side of the street cars were to be parked o...

A Horse walks into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and says to the barman "5 whiskeys please!" before downing the whole lot.

The barman looks at the horse and says "That's quite a stomach you've got, are you an alcoholic?"

The horse says "I don't think I am". Suddenly the horse poofs out of existence.

Se...

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3 prostitutes were drinking in a bar

After a few too many drinks the women began to boast about how much they can fit inside themselves.

The first woman took a sip of her drink and proceeded to push her fist up to her wrist into her pussy, confident that she had won the competition she sat back and smiled.

The second woma...

A mathematician opens a bakery

and does a fine job making sure the goods are absolute delights and well priced for such. However, one day his customers walk in to see that the price of pies has doubled from the day prior, Furious, they ask why, and the owner says, “Well, I realized that I was charging for one pie but selling two!...

Why was Six afraid of Seven? 7️⃣

Because Seven had two priors and extended probation and got his nickname in prison for how many minutes it took. "Took what?" You ask? You don't wanna know.

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Oh, Little Johnny.....at it again

One day, about a week prior to his birthday, Little Johnny’s dad asks, “Johnny, I know your birthday is coming up, and your mother and I really want it to be a good one, but with your mother losing her job recently, and the fact that we have a $280,000 mortgage, we may not be able to spend too much....

A Russian walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of vodka

The barman serves him his shots, the Russian drinks, pays and leaves.

A month goes by and the Russian is back. Orders 4 shots as the prior month, drinks pays and leaves.

Same on the 3rd, 4th and 5th months.

By the 6th month, the barman curiously asks the Russian why does he come...

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Wife is horrible with money

After receiving a decent inheritance from her mother, my wife decided to buy a boob job instead of start a 529 for our kids. Her prior titties weren't straight.

There was a pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers

He was a man who led with gentleness, faith, and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world.

As the pope approached the Gates of heaven, St Peter greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome, Your Holiness. Your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar after a long day at the office. On his way in, he sees a man sitting there wearing extravagant clothes, with the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime. As he approaches the bar he notices the man has an extremely small head, which is made worse due to the disproportiona...

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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s tha...

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

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A hearse was driving to the hilltop cemetery.......

......it started to climb up a steep hill out of town. The hill became steeper and the casket started to slip backwards. Just prior to the peak of the hill the casket slipped further out of its catches and fell out the back of the hearse. It started to slide back down the hill gathering sp...

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My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

Many dinosaurs were very religious

In fact, prior to the meteor strike that killed them off, the most devout dinos were taken to Heaven. It was The Velocirapture.

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The Golfer

A man and his wife his the links for some golf. On one of the holes the man hits a particularly bad drive, with his ball lying behind two trees relative to the green.

He's about to lay it up on the fairway when his wife, seeing what he's about to do, calls him a chicken-shit. He explains tha...

Corny joke

So a local state corn production and manufacturing company had an open house complete with free samples of their in house sweets and confectionery made from their finest corn.

The reception was fantastic and everything was going great, until one of the over zealous freeloaders (you know the ...

A young monk arrives for work at a monastery

A young monk arrives for work at a monastery where scrolls are copied from prior scrolls by hand. After some time he noticed that they are copying from copies. Humbly he points out to the master monk that an error could be introduced and then copied and recopied via this process.



The...

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I saw a 7-eleven coffee cup on the table in the break room.

I was curious, so I looked on the back of the cup. It said that the coffee beans were mountain-grown in the world's finest coffee-growing regions and were inspected for premium quality five times prior to being roasted. I snuck a sip of the coffee and thought, "Wow. That's impressive."

Becau...

The Welsh were the first people to use a sheep's intestine as a condom.

The English improved the design by removing the rest of the sheep prior to use.

Two old trees were arguing in the forrest

What, pondered they, was identity of a sapling newly sprung up a few years prior.

"It's the son of a beech!" Said one.

"It's the son of a birch!" Replied the other.

They decided to settle the score by asking a passing woodpecker.

After giving the young tree a quick once o...

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Three men arrive at heaven…

Prior to entering they must each tell their story separately on how they died as the greeter of the gates likes to hear the stories, good or bad. The first man proceeds to tell his story.

“ I arrived home from work early because I’ve had the suspicion that my wife has been cheating on me. As ...

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A King was going to war

A King was going to war but was worried about his beautiful Queen who was horny all the time.

Days prior to the war, he summoned the Royal Inventor and told him to design a chastity belt that will chop off any penis that got near her royal parts.

The Royal Inventor succeeded and the ...

A plane full of engineers

A group of aerospace engineering professors are on a plane heading to a convention. Prior to take-off, the pilot comes over the intercom and announces "Distinguished professors, you should be proud to know that this particular plane was designed and crafted by many of your students."

Most of ...

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Corkscrew dick

Ed and Ted are standing at the urinals in a public lavatory when Ed glances over and notices that Ted's dick is twisted like a corkscrew.

"Jesus," Ed says. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Ted asks.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed says.

"Why? What'...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

A blonde and a brunette are watching the news.

The newscaster says that two Brazilian civilians were rescued from terrorists the night prior.

The brunette says, “what wonderful news!”

The blonde disagrees: “I don’t know where they expect to move them to - do you have any idea how many a brazillion is??”

Drink Driving

I was driving on a highway in Singapore and a random roadblock was spotted there. Prior to driving past, I dropped a drunk friend.

As I drove slowly for my turn to pass, I decided to do this.

Officer: Sir, random check. (Sniffed) sir please park to the side.

Me: OK.

Offi...

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A young man wants to borrow his dad's car

A young man who had just turned 16 wanted to take his dad's coveted Camaro for his first drive as a licensed adult. He goes to his dad and asks "Dad can I take the Camaro for my first drive?" the Dad says, "Well son, I just have one question: Can you touch your butthole with your dick?" The son, sho...

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A young man worked in the porn industry to pay his way through dental hygienist school.

A young man worked in the porn industry to pay his way through dental hygienist school. After graduating he took a job in a dentist office. One day a familiar looking woman arrived for a cleaning. Upon examination, he couldn’t help but notice her extremely white teeth. Suddenly he realized how h...

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Did you hear about the ranger?

Once, there was a ranger who took care of the local parkland. Everybody liked the guy, and he was dedicated to his job - stopping people from shooting the deer in the park, maintaining fences and gates, that kind of thing. He was really good at it, too. During the time the ranger served there, no an...

A group of researchers were interested in studying...

...some of the complex effects of stereotype threat in test-taking situations. Stereotype threat is a social psychology theory that states an individual may experience anxiety when they have the potential to confirm a negative stereotype, thus adversely affecting their performance on a test. For exa...

Why would anyone trust Chewbacca to fly the millennium falcon?

He's such a wookie pilot.

I had three Star Wars jokes prior to this. But none were any good.

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The municipal philharmonic symphony and chorus were rehearsing....

The municipal philharmonic symphony and
chorus were rehearsing Symphony No. 9 by Ludwig Von Beethoven. Since
the chorus doesn't enter until the final movement, the singers were
becoming very bored - especially the men in the back row. Then the
basses had a clever idea. During break, th...

The origin of the angel on top of the tree

It must've been the coldest winter ever, with the worst snow storm this world has ever seen brewing in the North Pole on the Eve of Christmas. Santa was bedridden with a nasty stomach bug, and his workshop was short-staffed as many of the elves had contracted ~~herpes from sodomizing each other~~ th...

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A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits ...

I once called the cops on an asshat who parked in a handicap spot...

They came to check it out, found he had priors and warrants. They took him off to jail right after they figured out what to do with his wheelchair.

So I got a ticket last night

I was coming back from my friend's gig at a restaurant, where I enjoyed a good Italian dinner an hour prior.

Here's how the initial conversation went:

Cop: "Where have you been tonight?"

Me: "Fratello's Restaurant. My pal was playing guitar for the crowd from 6-9 pm."

Cop...

The votes are in, and California has legalized Marijuana.

however, one ethnic group that voted disproportionately against the proposition were Cambodian-Americans. When asked why, most said that they'd had bad prior experiences with Pot.

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So three guys sit down at a bar...

an Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American.
The Englishman turns to his two bar mates and says "I say, Last night I Rogered my old lady three times. This morning she cooked me up a plate of hot flapjacks and said I was the best man she had ever slept with. Ripping time."

The Frenchman rai...

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So a man is told by his doctor he only has five days to live...

On the first day he goes out and gets himself a Japanese prostitute with big tits and fucks her like there is no tomorrow.

On the second day he goes out and gets himself a redhead Irish prostitute with a nice ass and he fucks her like there is no tomorrow.

On the third day he goes ou...

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