If a person who speaks three languages is trilingual, and a person who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call a person who only speaks one language?

It doesn't matter. Just make sure it's not the language they speak beforehand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am trying to remember a very long joke my high school physics teacher told me.

First off I know there’s TOMT for things like this, however since this is a joke I figure it gets pretty hard to track these sorts of things down. I remember the jist and punchline of this joke, however I also remember it having a very long and intricate setup, so long I remember getting pretty bore...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom and Yuu's love story

Tom Wake and Yuu Watanabe met in Japan while Tom was on a business trip. Ironically, Tom didn't want to take the job, but he was the only one fluent in Japanese, so he reluctantly went on the trip. Usually, deals like these took place over video conferences, but the company's client insisted on meet...

My memes, chicken and children have one thing in common

They have to be deep-fried beforehand

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with two British girls last night

But I think one of them had been smoking weed beforehand.

I got two birds, with one stoned.

What is the difference between BDSM and getting arrested?

In BDSM, you pay beforehand. In getting arrested, you pay afterwards.

Good moms let their kids lick the whisk blender

Even better moms turn it off beforehand.

"Why are you fisting me?" A question that should never come up during love making.

Fisting should always be discussed beforehand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees a doctor about his premajure ejaculation problem

The doctor advises him that the next time he know's he'll be having sex, he should try masturbating a bit beforehand to relieve some of the pressure, allowing him to last longer.

Not long after the appointment, the man was at work when sure enough he started getting some very sexy texts from ...

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with a monkey walks into a bar...

A guy with a monkey on his shoulder walks into a bar. No one really pays him any attention. He walks up to the bar and asks for a drink. The monkey gets off his shoulder and heads over to a pool table. The monkey picks up the cue ball and then eats it.

"You're going to have to pay for anothe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] A boy is picking up his girlfriend for prom.

When he got to her house, the beans he ate for lunch beforehand were catching up to him and he began to have some gas. Her parents invited him in for dinner, and as he sat, he saw an opportunity: when the dog (named Fido) walked over to him, he would fart and it would seem like the dog did it. And j...

3 people are kidnapped by a group of terrorists

The terrorists are about to kill them but decide to give them the choice between a quick bullet to the head or getting infected with AIDS.

The first two pick the bullet to the head but the last guy chooses to get injected with AIDS through a syringe.

Once the injection is done, the g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time...

...there lived a great ruler in India, Emperor Akbar. This great emperor had the most beautiful wife in all the realms.

At the palace, there lived a certain Ahmed who was a low-ranking official. He took a liking to the queen, and his greatest desire was to kiss the queen's gorgeous breasts....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Put the lid down after you poop a thousand times and no one cares

But forget to lift it beforehand once and suddenly you're the bad guy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another joke to tell to someone you want to have sex with

Three flies are sealed in a jar: two females and one male.

One day, the male fly goes up to one of the female flies and says, "Hey, I know how to get out of this jar." The female fly asks, "Really?! How??" The male fly replies, "Fuck me and I'll tell you." The female fly thinks it over for a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead visit an old wishing well.

"What are you going to wish for?" the blonde asks the other two.

The brunette and the redhead ponder for a minute, rather ashamed that they didn't think of something beforehand. The redhead looks around for inspiration. When her gaze lingers on the well, she makes up her mind. She fishes a co...

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Why was the monk charged with first degree murder?

Because he meditated beforehand

[OC] [8] heheh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hippie walks into a bus...

At the back he sees a nun and he asks her

"Hey, you wanna fuck?"

The nun responds saying

"Heavens no!"

And then she walks out of the bus.
The hippie was about to go after her when the bus driver says

"I see you're trying to fuck that nun, well this is what you'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has an appointment with her gynecologist...

and while she freshens up beforehand, she grabs a spray from her older daughters room who's 17 and sprays her ladyparts.

She goes to the appointment, and her gynecologist is like "My, we dressed up today, right?".

And she's super pissed, picks her two daughters up from school and fumes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LAWS FOR ENGINEERS

Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your ent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is talking to his friend about his new girlfriend

"I did her up the arse on the first date" the guy reveals proudly.

"no shit?" His friend replies.

"nah, she had an enema beforehand"

A boy and his girlfriend are going to go to prom together.

Obviously, because it's prom, he needed a tux. There were a lot if people there, so he waited in the tuxedo line, and finally got his tuxedo. But he also wanted the night to be really special, so he wanted to get a limo. Because there were a lot of people going to prom, there were a lit of people ge...

Mr Connor took his daughter, Anna, to a Vietnamese church....

....in the hopes of getting her to stop her rebellious teenage shenanigans.
Anna obviously resistant, warned him beforehand that she'll go to the church, but she doesn't want to attend the church habitually.
Mr Connor agreed with Anna, hoping the one visit will be enough.
At the front of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Guys Go to a House Party

The host tells them beforehand, "it's an costume party, you need to come dressed as an emotion." They all agree. The first guy shows up, dressed in all red, the host asks "what are you supposed to be?" "I'm red with anger." The party-goer replied "Go ahead." The second guy shows up in all green, "wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First Day at a Pawn Shop

Apologies beforehand, since this story doesnt have a punchline, it's just funny.


A friend of mine started working at a Pawn America. On his very first day he saw this young couple come in and they started looking and browsing through rings. They saw one that interested them and asked to s...

Birthday present

An alcoholic looked at his calendar and noticed it was almost his sons 18th birthday. Being a drunk, he did not see his son very often, but felt he had to give something to his son for this momentous occasion. Having blown all his money on booze, he had an idea...

Two days later his son got a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Les Mis Joke (from r/Lesmiserables Joke by u/shepy66

Ok, so there were these two guys at a high school, a really weird, lame, goth kid from France, and a really popular rich kid named John. Nobody actually new the French kid's name, but he was strange enough for people to make up their own. Creep, Emo, Lame-ass, Weirdo, and plenty of other (and much w...

A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight.

"I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?""Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes."The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upw...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.