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Quickly Jokes

Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

What do you call an argument that ends too quickly?

Agreegious.

A guy calls 911 and says: "Please, send the cops quickly, there are two women fighting over me"

Says the male 911 operator: "That sounds pretty good for you, why do you want the police to come?"

Says the caller: "Because the fat one is winning!"

Why does the French army surrender so quickly?

They have nothing Toulouse.

I was surprised Wagner got to Moscow so quickly

I guess they were really Russian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

Why can’t Superman drive quickly?

He always gets stuck in the Lois lane.

Why did a blonde on a diet eat her food quickly?

She thought she was fasting.

What makes a man age quickly?

A manager

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.

My wife asked me how I manage to always eat so quickly...

It's because I always take seconds.

As a musician, people asked me what my secret was to moving on from my ex so quickly.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.

The barman says "That was quick!"


"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

The man answers "no money."

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

The one about the quickly wed couple

So a man, lets call him Dan, meets this girl, we'll call her Stacy, on a blind date. They hit it off right away and chat the night away. Well they go on another date, this one went even better than the last, Dan's heart flutters every time he thinks of her. So then Dan asks her on a third date and t...

Why was the woodman able to save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandma so quickly?

Because he knew "Inside every wolf there are two people..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist : your problem seems to be over attachment, a tendency to fall in love very quickly without regards of other person's feeling.

Me : please don't talk like this, baby doll.

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

That escalated quickly

### That escalated quickly

I was getting a handjob off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How are you so good at this?"


"Years of practice," she said.


"Bit of a player in your day were you?" I laughed.


"No," she replied, "my dad had no arms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

The Coronavirus infects you very quickly

The first person who had it was infected right off the bat.

Why do tailpipes get worn out quickly?

Because their job is exhausting!

A new nightclub opened in my town, but it went out of business quickly.

It was called the "Watch Your Head" bar.

Apparently, nobody walked into it.

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

Wife asked me why I came so quickly,

I told her “winners never come last”.

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.

Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?

Applicant: 546320

Interviewer: That's wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

What do people say when they need a belt quickly?

There’s no time to waist!


(I’m trying my best lol)

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

Why do people from Russia walk so quickly?

They're Russian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s extra important sexual abusers get fired quickly from the work place.

Otherwise, they start rubbing off on people.

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

Why does listening to One Direction make people age more quickly?

It makes you go see Niall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do machinists leave so quickly after sex?

They just screw, nut, and bolt

Why did Coronavirus spread so quickly?

Because Asians never fail tests!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

A new Vietnamese restaurant opened up, and quickly became very popular.

Every day, customers would line up for hours just to eat at this restaurant. One day, the line was still out the door until closing time. The manager came out and told people that he was cutting off the line. Only people inside could order, and the rest would have to come back tomorrow. Customers we...

Why didn't the police respond quickly to the Capitol incident?

They thought everything was all white

Never judge too Quickly

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

Child: "Officer! Please come quickly! My father and another man have been fighting for an hour!"

Police Officer: "What? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

Child: "Until just before my father seemed to be winning."

How do you burn a lot of calories quickly?

Set a fat kid on fire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

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What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button?

A frog in a blender

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

Being a freshman everyone always told me first year would go quickly...

but I didn’t realise it would ZOOM

(im sorry)

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A man walks into a bar, orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says "Hey, buddy, are you okay?"

The man says "No, honestly, I'm not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and... I caught her in bed with another man."

The bartender says "Oh, man, that's awful! What are you going to do?"

The man: "I'm gonna drink myself to death. I just...

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

I’ve found an easy way to lose three hundred pounds quickly!

Well... that’s the last time I bet large sums at the casino.

Why did the USSR fall apart so quickly?

Because they're always Russian out there.

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.

Why did the fetishist come so quickly?

He had an appointment and was in a furry.

These jokes about apple are getting old really quickly.

Punch line: $999

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

Why did the Flash leave that greasy diner so quickly?

Because he got a bad case of the runs!

When my Girlfriend tried to kiss me in front of my friends, i quickly shut her down.

She looked at me with big disappointed eyes and asked me "Are you ashamed of beeing seen kissing me?"

When i told her i was, she ran of crying.


I felt really bad for the rest of the day, but i just can't lie to my own family

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A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

Why did the baker mix in his flour slowly instead of doing it quickly?

He didn't want to whisk it.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

A man had won the lottery and quickly went home to tell his wife.

Man: Honey, I just won the lottery, pack your bags!

Wife: Oh, that's fantastic, where are we going?

Man: I don't know where you're going, just be gone by five.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

I just came back from a trip to Thailand and I was quickly surprised by the many Caucasians. I was then reminded that this is not the politically correct name for them.

They would not like to be called Caucasians but Ladyboys instead

Why do insomniacs always solve things quickly?

They don't sleep on it.

This year is going by quickly

Oh wait, that’s just the idiots playing premature Christmas music.

A man and his wife walked quickly into a dentist's office.

A man and his wife walked quickly into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull t...

Why did the German student finish his degree so quickly?

He was afraid of Stalin grad...

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

He thought for a moment and said, *“You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

What is the biggest obstacle in getting rich quickly?

Cops

What paper product speaks really quickly?

Wrapping paper.

4 aliens crash land onto Earth and know no English, but can learn quickly.

The aliens split up, to hopefully develop their knowledge in the language.

The first alien walked into an office building and heard someone speaking into the phone. "Yeah. Of course." he heard.

The second alien walks by a restaurant and sees a little kid playing with utensils and sayin...

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