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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

I recently signed an apartment lease...

Below where I signed on the lease agreement I had my dad cosign

Now we're tan.

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

I went to the doctors recently

He said, “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I respond, “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

I recently took a pole

I found that 100% of people were angry when the tent collapsed

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles.

The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air.

I’ve been getting some odd pop up ads recently:

“Hot older men in your area want to know if you’ve been messing with the thermostat”

My friend became a vegan recently.

She’s changed a lot and it’s like I’ve never met herbivore.

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?

Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

I was at the zoo recently...

...and one of the tropical birds just kept screaming at me, so I screamed back. Toucan play at that game!

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

I've gotten a new haircut recently

At first I felt like it was too short, but I gotta say that it's starting to grow on me.

So I invested in Teflon recently,

It didn't stick.

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

My sub friend married a limbo instructor recently.

I swear to god, this guy will bend over backwards to please this lady!

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

Someone close to me died recently...

Shouldn't have snuck up on me like that.

I recently got fired as an architect

An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee

he didn't work out

I recently wrote a sitcom about airplanes.

It never took off.
The pilot was terrible.

Bill Gates recently split up with Melinda Gates, who will take half of his belongings, including Microsoft office.

But she will only get Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint, because he always keeps his Word.



shoutout u/Duttywood

An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently

I guess that’s the power of a tawny

An inquisitive cowboy ambled into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe without realizing it had recently come out of the forge.

Dropping it, he shoved his burned hand into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant.

“Kinda hot, ain’t it?” asked the blacksmith.

“Nope,” said the cowboy. “It just don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”

What do you call a recently hired conductor who’s still learning the job skills?

A trainee

I have recently discovered that I have a foot fetish, but I'm not sure where to start.

I just want to get off on the right foot.

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

My uncle recently and suddenly decided to leave his lucrative position at a local bank...

Because he lost interest

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

I recently got a divorce

It was wife changing

Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently

I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk

I recently adopted an African child. He, was just 7 pounds!

Plus shipping, of course.

I recently met a girl from Jerusalem

She Israeli cute!

My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love

Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned

who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

I recently read that it's beneficial to your mental well being to share your bed with your pets...

... but in hindsight, I probably should have left them in the aquarium.

Recently I've noticed how hard jokes are to come by

So I've started using the macy's lingerie catalog instead

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

I recently started a boat shop in my attic

The sails have been going though the roof.

A cow was recently given the badge of bravery.

Her actions proved she was no cow-ard.

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I was using the local glory hole recently...

...and it felt different than normal. A few minutes later I see a guy walk out of the other stall holding cat fish. Suddenly the realization washed over me.

I cant believe I sucked a fish’s dick.

I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out.

They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter.

I got a job at a chess piece factory recently...

...I'm on the knight shift next week.

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

I was recently informed that I am a terrible host.

I appreciated their honesty because otherwise I never would have guest.

I started a soil business recently.

I wonder why no one's buying anything. Everything's dirt-cheap.

What do you tell a group of people who recently seceded from their country due to disagreements over the right to pee?

You're a nation

An elderly woman goes to see her doctor complaining that she has been farting a lot recently.

“Fortunately though doctor,” she continues, “They don’t make any sound or smell at all. In fact I’ve passed wind several times since I’ve been sat here!”.

The doctor looks puzzled for a minute then writes a prescription out for the woman, asking her to come back in two weeks.

Two weeks...

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I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

I recently bought a horse and I decided to name him Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

My brother recently got dysentery and kicked the bucket

That’s why we use a toilet, now.

My girlfriends dog died recently

So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.

She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car recently on ebay, but it's rubbish...

Every now and then it falls apart

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

as all it was doing was gathering dust.

I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was.

I told them it was the one from Sesame Street.

"Pfft, he doesn't count," they said to me.

I replied "Well that's where you're wrong kiddo"

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

My friend recently had surgery, and tells me he feels like a million bucks

Sadly, he lives in Zimbabwe

I recently split up with my tennis playing girlfriend

Love means nothing to her

I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"

"No," I said.
"It's to look at."

Does anyone remember the joke I posted about a chiropractor recently?

It was about a week back

I was recently asked to say a few words at a friend’s funeral.

I stood up at the podium, looked at my friend’s family and friends, and said “2,000 pounds.”

I then made my way back to my seat.

My friends’ wife stood up and said, with tears in her eyes, “Thank you, that means a ton.”

I saw my girlfriend’s search history recently. She googled how to make her razor last longer.

I’m glad she considers me hers, but I don’t know how I feel about the nickname Razor.

I recently saw a catfish at my local river.

No clue how it baits the hook with those tiny paws.

I went to my psychiatrist recently.

I told him I had been feeling down, and depressed lately, and I sometimes don't know how I will ever become happy and content anymore.

He looked at me and said, with a concerned look on his face "have you considered suicide?"

To which I said "I didn't know that was an option

I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.

Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.

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So, the church in my town fell on hard time recently

There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local fl...

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Where do recently deceased female dogs get written up in the newspaper?

The o-bitch-uaries

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

Recently I got invited to a nudist dinner party but I had to skip it

I had nothing to wear

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I recently got a Fitbit.

If I wear it on my left hand, it's says that I'm running...

And if I wear it on my right hand...

I get jizz on it.

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

I recently got a job selling vacuums and finally got the courage to make a pun around my new coworkers

it sucked.

People should not condemn recently blinded people.

It’s not their fault they are Neo-Not Sees.

Recently my rug got destroyed due to multiple explosions.

I guess you could call it a carpet bombing.

I recently started writing a mystery novel...

...Or did I?

The band U2 recently developed a GPS...

It's terrible! The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

I recently lost a bag of dirt.

I can't believe I'm dirt poor.

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

I've been suffering a lot of seizures recently...

...so far they've taken my house, my car and my boat.

I hardly drive anywhere yet have recently bought a Ferrari, a BMW, an RX-7, a Mercedes-Benz and an Aston Martin.

I clearly have the car owner virus.

My friend was recently hit by a huge hailstone on his way home,

at least he was smart enough to put some ice on his wounds.

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

The FBI recently found a common link amoung those that stormed the capital on the January 6th riots.

Turns out they all shop at Traitor Joes.

I recently ordered one piece of sodium and one piece of copper.

When the delivery guy showed up, I noticed that he was only holding the sodium. I asked him,

"Did you have the copper with you?"

He replied,

"Na right now, Cu later."

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I recently became a therapist and had a new girl come in today

I could tell she thought I was judgemental the minute I looked at her

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I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky.

It became an ass ending sending ascending.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...

It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

Scottish lawmakers recently voted to make menstrual products free

It's about bloody time.

My son is such a happy boy... I recently persuaded him to swallow a flashlight...

...his face lit up.

Recently joined a Styx cover band

We play the same songs, but heavier. We’re called Logz.

I bought my wife a pug recently

Despite the flat nose, ugly wrinkles and bulging eyes, the pug likes my wife

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire....

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

My grief counselor died recently

Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care

I’m 3’6”, which makes certain daily tasks extremely difficult. Recently, I spent a good 10 minutes in my local supermarket wondering how to get the pasta down from the top shelf.

Then suddenly the penne dropped.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

I saw it written on a Glass Door.

My uncle Hans (a hotdog lover) has been very ill recently. Last night, craving a hotdog, he went on a drive to the nearest hotdog stand. Sadly, as he was driving, he became even more unwell...

...he took a turn for the wurst.

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer recently

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

Joke that has recently become popular in Russia in light of recent protests

- Dad, which concentration camp are we going to?
- Dunno, son, I’m not interested in politics.

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

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A woman recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with ...

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I've been seeing a lot of NSFW jokes recently..No more Vagina jokes

Period

My friend recently just graduated from college with a degree in Electrical Engineering.

He applied for a job and was immediately contacted by a wealthy man who was looking for someone to help incorporate electricity onto his fence. As my friend finished his job he was about to leave when he tripped and landed right onto the fence. I don't even know if he's even alive or if he still has...

Recently, Qanon members are being called Zs instead of Qs.

They are now blowing up Social Media saying “We are Not-Zs.”

How do you call a female moth that recently laid eggs?

A MOTHer.

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have recently changed my "porn browser" to Microsoft Edge...

...and oh man, it takes too long to cum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

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