I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

I joined a fisting club recently.

It’s not something I’m particularly into, I’m just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

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My grief counsellor died recently...

...but he was so good I didn't give a shit

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog team up for a cross county adventure...

So I took a trip to the library to see if they
had a copy.


The librarian said that my description rang a
bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Fred Durst recently converted to Judaism

He is now the frontman for Limp Brizkit

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I quit my job at the Helium factory recently

For I won’t tolerate being talked to in that tone of voice.

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My wife recently asked me "what's it like to have a penis?"

"It's hard sometimes.."

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NASA recently decided to launch Uranus into a black hole

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to be rubbing Uranus and Heranus together.

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I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

I recently had surgery on both of my hands and my doctor was concerned that I would need help going to the bathroom.

Fortunately, I can hold my own.

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was "Exposure to the Elements".

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

The community theater recently posted auditions for Aladdin and a Christmas play

On audition day, local news reporter Thi Xix Hao spotted someone crying outside the audition room.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

The dejected man looked up. “You look familiar” he said.

“I am local news reporter, Thi Xix Hao. You also look familiar to me”

“I am Chad Kroeger, ...

I went out on a date recently with my ideal woman. Highly educated, funny, compassionate, beautiful. When she told me she was a gynecologist, I knew she was the one for me

...she really checked a lot of boxes.

I recently came into a lot of money...

and that's why I got fired from the bank.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

I only learned recently that children are born with four kidneys, and later on when they grow up..



..two of them turn into adult knees.

I recently swapped a Sarcophagus for a bottle of Bacardi

Well they certainly gave me a rum for my mummy

Went to a Pentecostal church recently

And was sitting there as the pastor approached and told me, “You will walk today.” I told him, “I’m not crippled.” He leaned in and insisted, You WILL walk today!” I simply nodded. But when I went to the parking lot, I saw someone had stolen my truck.

My uncle recently overdosed on protein powder

What a whey to go

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My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back.

"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.

"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

I recently lost my job as a watchmaker

I got told it was because I stood around and made faces all day.

I’m part of a local community group, and recently people have been asking for leftover moving boxes

Each time I want to say the boxes that hold still are more practical

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law said.

“I am wearing my love dress.”

“Love dress? But you’re naked!” said the mother-in-law.

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained.

The mothe...

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

My wife’s obstetrician recently bought a corvette…

She was having a midwife crisis

I recently created a database for every living person assigned female at birth.

I call it the X-Files.

I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt in public and thought to myself...

that shows a lot of balls!

I recently came across this show called Paw Patrol

I like how it teaches children, from an early age, that the police patrol the poor.

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

I was recently invited to try skydiving without a parachute.

It sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I bought a stunning house in the Arctic recently.

Gives me chills everytime I step into it.

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I'm a building contractor, recently I was hired to create a new set for a porn production company and told I have free reign over its design.

I was never a big fan of porn and was concerned I wouldn't be able to create a suitable set for such productions without guidance, but the client reassured me

"If you build it, they will come."

I used to eat a lot of cold cuts, but I recently stopped.

I quit cold turkey.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

I stopped going to the gym recently.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

I recently wrote a song about Tortillas...

Actually its more of a rap.

I recently read an article about a woman in Texas unable to abort her baby with a condition called anencephaly. Anencephaly is when you are born without a brain, however the article falsely reported that the condition is always fatal.

This is fake news. Greg Abbot is one notable person born with this condition to have survived all the way to adulthood. He even holds a position as Governor of Texas.

The man who wrote “the hokie pokie” died recently

They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.

It all started when they put his right leg in..

I was recently complimented on my driving skills

Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"

I recently taught my daughter the definition of bargain

She said “thanks dad that means a great deal”

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forwar...

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

My girlfriend recently left me and moved to a northern Canadian province.

She was having Nunavut.

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My pornstar friend recently passed away.

Per his request, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife.

I recently visited a US state north of Texas and south of Kansas.

It wasn’t great, but it was OK.

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.

Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn’t let them
keep Boolean him.

A group of mathematicians were recently caught for robbing,

According to the police reports, their days were numbered.

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A Recently Divorced Man on an Adventure

A man and his wife got a divorce after 15 years of marriage. After a month of feeling down he decided he needed to get over it. One Friday night he and a mate go to a brothel to have some fun. He asks the madam for a girl who is adventurous and special as he has had blowjobs and missionary sex for h...

There was a murder in town recently

But the detectives found the murder weapon in only 5 minutes...

...It was a brief-case

I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.

It was an eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the *smell*, the noise....

I am never flying economy again.

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

One of my friend recently started working as a postman

I asked him why are you working for such underpaying job?

He said, "it's not about money it's about sending message"

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

I lost my job as a personal trainer recently, I’m just not strong enough.

So I put in my too weak notice.

Recently, while traveling, I came upon a fork in the road.

Then a nearby cop arrested me. I should've known better than to satisfy my silverware fetish in public.

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

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Crashed my car recently.

I was in my car and started to drift to the side. I overcorrected and rolled my vehicle. The only thing broken was the glass. In other words, crash due to driver error; need to repair Windows.

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

I went to the doctors recently

He said, “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I respond, “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

What do you call a tree that recently lost a loved one?

Mourning wood

My friend Joe recently started the Dolly Parton Diet...

And to my surprise, it works! It ACTUALLY made Joe lean!

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

What do you call a metronome that recently broke?

Tempo-rary.

Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.

The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the hell he's waiting for. Chief radios back...

I, a French person, recently bought a female hamster from the Netherlands

Her name is 'Amster Dame.

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I recently decided to try taking dewormer for COVID treatment

So far I’m not sure if it’s helping with the COVID but I have stopped dragging my ass on the carpet

I recently bought a bidet

I recently bought a bidet and its been a-hole new experience!

What is the status of a hippo that is mourning because of his recently passed wife?

In the Nile

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

I recently discovered Steam...

...where you have a library of your games you can just stop and start at ease from one intuitive screen.

It's a gamechanger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie

The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy

I recently signed an apartment lease...

Below where I signed on the lease agreement I had my dad cosign

Now we're tan.

I recently took up knitting...

...and I've gotten really good. I make awesome blankets with beautiful colored patterns. I made a bunch of them, but they're all at my ex-boyfriends house and he's really mad at me. I'm worried he might destroy them or throw them out just to get back at me.

I'm deeply concerned about the safe...

At the reception following a wedding recently, someone yelled,

"All the married men please stand beside the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin...

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crim...

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

what do you call a large group of men who recently found out they've been cheated on?

A Fluster Cuck

I recently got three robotic appendages

It’s such a relief not to have to go out on a limb to get the groceries.

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife went into a coma recently and the doctor said it doesn't look like we have many options.

After a month in a coma, my wife's doctor comes to me and says that there's a way to awake her from this coma but it's rather unconventional.

I asked the Dr what needed to happen and he tells me that the only way to wake her is by oral sex.

After about 5 minutes I come out of room conf...

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

Recently my dad's been suffering from seizures.

First it was the car, then the house, then the boat.

My friend became a vegan recently.

She’s changed a lot and it’s like I’ve never met herbivore.

I recently discovered that 1 in 8 Americans is an alcoholic

I also discovered that 1 in 8 Americans actually suffers from the effects of alcoholism; the rest seem to have a pretty good time

I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles.

The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air.

I've recently discovered that I enjoy carrying small farm animals in canvas bags.

It's totes mcgoats.

I recently took a pole

I found that 100% of people were angry when the tent collapsed

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

I recently found out that the Origami school in our community is about to close for good...

I'll update more on this as it unfolds.

I cut my hair recently.

It's kinda growing on me.

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

I recently wrote a sitcom about airplanes.

It never took off.
The pilot was terrible.

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

I recently became friends with a nymphomaniac

It was a bit weird at first, but lately she started rubbing off on me.

I’ve been getting some odd pop up ads recently:

“Hot older men in your area want to know if you’ve been messing with the thermostat”

Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?

Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.

I never learn the true meaning of NTR until recently.

'Nothing to report.' Said the girl.

I recently read an article about the history of spices used in curry...

It was a cumin interest story.

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

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