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Recently Jokes

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

I recently joined a nudist colony

The first few days were the hardest.

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Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

My grief counselor died recently

Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

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My grief councillor died recently

Thankfully he was so good that I don't give a shit

EDIT: *Counselor, I can't spell it would seem

EDIT 2: Credit to Gary Delaney, for this is one of his one liners. Credit to the redditors who pointed it out

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NASA recently discovered the man with the largest penis in the universe

But they said it wasn't an appropriate thing to put on my resume, and I didn't get the job.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral.

A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

I've recently developed a severe phobia of elevators.

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

I joined a local scat group on Facebook recently who said they were having a meet up

Once I showed up and saw what they were doing to each other, I realized my mistake and skiddy-be-bop-a-do’d out of there as fast as I could.

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

Recently I was fingered for a crime

which seems like a weird punishment

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...


Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

The Oklahoma D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on highways recently.

There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colou...

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water

I responded "Well, dam"

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size

... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

I recently quit my job at the orange juice factory......

I just couldn’t concentrate.

Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero

Don't worry, he's 0K

I was feeling really lonely recently, so I bought some shares...

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

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I recently learned the meaning of threesome

It's when three people have sex together. And a foursome is the same, but with four people. Now i know, why my teacher always called me a handsome guy

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

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I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

My dad recently told me a joke that was based on Ancient Roman Numerals.

I for one thought it very funny.

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away.

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematori...

A a famous lion in a zoo recently died

Given the popularity of the lion, the zoo doesn't want the public to know this so they make a lion costume and have one of the employees pretend to be the lion.

The employee is very afraid since he would be pretending to be a lion among other lions, if he is found out, the other lions could ...

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

I’ve been bored recently so I have decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they will call the police unless I put it back.

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

I recently ate Donkey meat, I don't recommend it

It tastes like Ass

I joined a fisting club recently.

It’s not something I’m particularly into, I’m just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

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[NSFW] Recently, I asked a woman what she'd like to see in a man and she said "honesty". She asked me what I'd like to see in a woman and I said...

My penis

I recently lost my job at NASA Mission Control...

I misheard when someone said "It's lunch time", and sent a rocket up with nobody in it.

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.

Ive never worked so hard before in my life.

A woman recently got oak breast implants...

…this joke would probably be better if it had a punchline, wooden tit.

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly to a recently married couple's house...

She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch completely naked.
"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law ex...

My obese parrot died recently.

It's been really sad, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

Recently I've had a vasectomy.

That's the surgery that changes the color of your kids.

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

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I recently filmed my wife wanking me off with her toes...

Got some decent footage.

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”

“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.

He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I recently converted an old school bus into a mobile brothel......

I'm calling it the Suck-You-Bus.

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

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Grandpa Passed Recently. This Was His Favorite Joke

An older couple is driving across the country when they get pulled over by a cop - the husband is driving.

"Sir do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Says the police officer.

"What'd he say?!" the man's wife screams at him.

"We got pulled over for speeding!" Man yells ...

Most of the staff at the cemetery quit recently

I heard they’ve had to run the place with a skeleton crew.

On Kid Rock being seen recently drinking Bud Light despite his rant against their supporting trans people...

Sometimes you drink what you can afford.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

I bought a horse recently, and I called him mayo.

Mayo neighs.

Recently I read a book called the anticlimax.

The second part was disappointing

Kim Jong recently lost his job

He was in the wrong Korea

The man responsible for maintaining Autocorrect recently passed away

May he rest in pewxe.

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I recently became addicted to viagra..

My wife has been taking it really, really hard.

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

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My Grandpa recently had to start using Viagra

Grandma took it pretty hard

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A doctor just recently had sex with one of his patient..

..and he really feels bad about it.


-
**poof** a little devil appears on his left shoulder and speaks to him;
"Come on bro! Its not that bad. Many doctors fuck with their patients and it was awesome!"

-
**poof** A little angel appears on his right shoulder "Duuuuude, you´r...

I recently found out that I'm colorblind...

It came out of the purple.

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

I’ve recently started eating only escargots and abalones.

I’ve been trying to avoid fast food.

A neutron was recently arrested for robbery...

...but it wasn't charged.

My teenage son recently started asking me awkward questions about the human body....

I should've probably hid it better...

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My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.

Seems like my French classes are going really well.

I recently read a book on 'Stockholm Syndrome'

I hated it as first, but by the end, I really loved it

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Watched Good Will Hunting Recently and heard this.

So a plane is about to take off, and the first pilot does his typical announcements like "We'll be travelling at 35000 feet at a speed of...", you know, the whole routine. However, he forgets to turn off the microphone, so after the message, all the passengers hear him say to the co-pilot "You know ...

I recently got a job in zoo as an elephant circumciser.

The pay is not great, but the tips are huge.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

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I went to Japan recently, and did not see a single ninja there.

Impressive!

I was in court recently. The judge found me guilty of being 'Egotistical'

I am appealing

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

It's been reported that Donald Trump has recently found Jesus ...

And had him deported.

A toddler was recently hospitalized after swallowing several plastic horses

Doctors now describe his condition as stable.

I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden...

I realised that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.

I’ve very recently started a company selling trampolines in Prague…

My first Czech bounced.

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Two lovers of a recently deceased woman, both named Jack, attended her funeral.

They did not know about each other, nor the woman’s apparent penchant for lovers named Jack. They both, despite their typical emotional despondency, ended up caring for this woman over their respective affairs. Upon meeting and talking, at the reception, they realized they had both been played. Both...

My brother was recently involved in a chainsaw accident.

Now, my only remaining family is my two half brothers.

I recently started sleeping naked...

That way people stop sitting next to me on the train.

I had my blood tested recently and everything came back negative.

So I fired my drug dealer.

Recently, a storm came through and blew away a quarter of my roof!

Oof!

The guy who invented USB passed away recently

At his funeral, they started to lower his casket into the ground, but they had to stop half-way, and flip him over.

My son recently started an apprenticeship with one of the local plumbers

I love the look on his face when I tell friends, family, and anyone who will listen that he’s currently being potty trained.

My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

Did you hear a secret colony of gophers was discovered recently?

They say there was a mole among them.

I was a taxi driver for a while, but recently I got fired.

Apparently they didn't like it when I went the extra mile during my job.

A Korean guy recently died in a car accident near me

He was yung, so yung.

My mate got fired from his job recently.

He was working in a board games shop, he got fired for stealing.

He was taking a lot of risks.

I recently became very angry as a result of misplacing my memory foam mattress.

I had lost my Tempur.

I'm looking for a woman, recently married, recently cheated on , mad or scorned...

Who is willing to sell her man's tools for cheap.

So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.

He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.

So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"

The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on yo...

I recently took part in the World Innuendo Championships

It wasn't long before I got pulled off

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, “the muppet from Sesame Street.”

They told me, “He doesn’t count!”

I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

I recently bought clap-on lights.

Ever since then, my wife's room keeps flickering on and off.

I recently took a poll and found out

100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed

The inventor of Tetris died recently and the casket was buried vertically...

And then the entire graveyard disappeared

I recently got sick at the airport,

my doctor says it's a terminal illness.

In memory of recently passed Benedict XVI

WW2. Young german soldier captures pole. At the moment he aiming to shoot him lightning crack the sky and they hear God's voice:
- Don't shoot him, he is a future Pope
- Wow what about me?
- Ok, fine, you too

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Recently found out that one of my colleague was an insectophile...

I'm shocked really, didn't seemed like a guy who bed bugs.

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

I'm pretty lucky, so recently I came into a lot money

Which is weird cuz normally i use a sock

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

For my cake day, a joke I read recently.

The irony of Wall Street:

The dealer, not the customer, is called “broker.”

I recently received quite a nasty ear injury in a food fight at a cake shop.

So you'll have to forgive me since I'm a trifle deaf.

A mechanic just recently died

... and not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. Well, while in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at, fixing things. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's ...

I've recently developed a treatment for anger management issues.

It's called "Damitol".

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

I've really got into cosplaying as a bucket recently, but my outfit isn't that good.

It's just a pail imitation.

The man who wrote “the hokie pokie” died recently

They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.

It all started when they put his right leg in..

There has been a string of unsolved futon robberies in my town recently.

Police think the criminals…are currently laying low.

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I recently left my job after I came into a large sum of money.

Or as the bank tells it, I was fired for ejaculating in the safe.

I tried to eat aromantic duck recently

But it said it just wanted to be friends

I am surprised I didn't get any upvotes on the joke about a spine that I posted recently.

It was about a week back.

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I recently got arrested for sexually harassing a statue…

That’s when I hit rock bottom

I recently bought some abseiling gear from wish.

Despite the reviews, they really let me down.

The inventor of the "Wind Chill Factor" died recently.

He was 81 years old, but he felt like he was 64.

I went on the vodka diet recently.

I lost three days in one week.

Someone recently got kicked out of flight school

Their career just couldn’t take off

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes....

Where pretty good but we haven't got a gig yet.

Recently I've been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous

... not that they know.

I've been driving a lot for work recently...

And it's been lonely but the other day it felt like my wife was with me. Google maps wouldn't talk to me, I didn't know what I'd done wrong and wasn't sure how to fix it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son turned 18 recently. I immediately threw out his spoiled, rotten ass.

I'm donating the rest of his corpse to science.

I recently rejected a junior software dev job at IKEA.

I kinda know java, kotlin and some php but unfortunately Assembly was required.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My homosexual friend recently started using Grindr

He is so excited about it, he can hardly sit down.

The temple of the giant sea cow has recently been rebuilt

Faith in huge manatee restored

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