I went to a bookstore recently.

Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I wondered why they were doing that. Then IT hit me.

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

The band U2 recently developed a GPS...

It's terrible! The streets have no name, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.

Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.

So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.

Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire....

I bought my wife a pug recently

Despite the flat nose, ugly wrinkles and bulging eyes, the pug likes my wife

I was recently asked who my favourite vampire was. I said, “the muppet from Sesame Street.”

They told me, “He doesn’t count!”

I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

A bank in my city recently caught fire and burned down

Iv never seen that much toasted bread before

Recently I've been learning how to draw optical illusions so I can surprise my girlfriend with one on her birthday.

Unfortunately she walked in and caught me practicing the other day.

Her: "What's that!"

Me: "I can explain...it's not what it looks like!"

I recently bought a boat for a friend.

I was pier pressured.

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

I saw it written on a Glass Door.

I have seen a lot of fat jokes recently, and I honestly think we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is.

I recently learned sign language

So I can tell jokes people has never heard

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

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Little Johnnys mother recently gave birth to his brother little jimmy

Now little johny is jealous of all the attention and the gifts that his new brother little Jimmy is getting from his parents and neighbors. Evil little johny decides to poison him

One night when his mother was sleeping, little johny took some poison and applied it to her breasts and lips so t...

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs is winning the war on drugs.

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A woman recently lost her husband.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with ...

I recently took my grandma to a fish spa...

It was easier than burying her or getting her cremated.

I recently found out my GPS can point out potential wildlife threats

It always tells me "bear left"

A close friend recently died, and at the funeral I asked if I could say a word

The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".

Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.

I recently had a chat with a Spanish girl whose name is apparently "senorita 2"

Unfortunately she wasn't able to recognize any of the words I was saying. That's probably the only time I'll speak with "MS-DOS".

I've recently updated my will

It's now a Bill

So I've been watching an anime adaptation of the bible recently

And my favourite arc so far is Noah's

I recently learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon.

Now everyone's talking about it.

I saw anti-maskers in Wallmart recently and I laughed at them

But I remembered my parents told me not to make fun of mentally disabled people

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

I recently started an all vegetarian diet

The hardest part is catching them.

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

My friend John was recently disemvoweled...

He is now known as Jhn.

I recently broke my funny bone.

I fail to see what's so humerus about it.

My buddy just recently got a transplant...

He says it’s a fern but it identifies as a ficus.

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I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

I recently visited my grandfather in his old folks home..

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and started to chat. He said things were going okay but sounded a little frustrated.

Just then he starts to lean over, almost off his chair, when a nurse rushes over and straightens him back up. My grandfather mumbled something under his breath.
...

How does Mario communicate with his recently deceased sibling?

Luigi Board.

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.

Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.

I recently got caught up in a heist at an Apple Store.

I guess you can call me an iWitness

I had a job canning drinks at a factory but have recently quit

It was soda pressing

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

What did a husband say to his veteran wife that recently gave birth?

Thank you for your cervix

I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...

It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

Did you hear about another recently discovered symptom of COVID-19?

Elect-ile dysfunction.

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I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

I recently completed a self defence course

I tell you what, the next person who attacks me in slow motion has a thing or two coming.

I recently took a poll and found out

100% of campers were angry when their tent collapsed

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m rea...

My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her...

She's always critter sizing.

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

I went to a comedy class recently to work on my stand-up

I’ve been going there for about a month now and the people are great and I’ve been having a good time, but recently I’ve been kicked out.

You see in this comedy club they have a drink and snacks table, I wasn’t that hungry but I was thirsty so I go to the punch but there was a long line.
...

I recently came across Shakespeare's chewed pencil...

It's so chewed, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

My grief counselor died recently

Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

I went to the doctor’s recently. He told me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

Me: You mean like bacon and burgers?

Doctor: No fatty. Don’t eat anything.

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A line of four recently-deceased souls lines up at the gates of Heaven, awaiting their judgement...

St. Peter addressed the first man in line. “While you were alive all you cared about was getting drunk. You loved alcohol so much that you married a woman named Brandy.” St. Peter promptly turned the man away.
To the second man St. Peter said, “While you were alive the only thing you truly cared...

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I recently got my ass kicked at a Mexican restaurant.

I don’t recommend ordering the machos.

I recently pursued my dream career of becoming a very successful plagiarizer.

I tried, but I didn't make it.

My obese parrot died recently.

It's been really sad, but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

Lost 160 lbs recently...

Finally signed the divorce papers

I recently got married. It was a love marriage

My parents really loved her parents

The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.

They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.

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The person who invented autocorrect died recently.

May he roast in piss.

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

Most of the jokes I've heard recently aren't very good

But they're running for office anyway.

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I recently got a new tattoo on my ass cheeks

It’s a squirrel reaching under to grab my nuts

I’ve recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

So i've gotten a fish tank recently

And I check the Temerature and the pH-Value regularly. But my Guinea pigs keep diying. Do u guy have any advice?

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

Recently my friend passed away, and we saved his brain onto a massive computer

Rest in PC

Did you hear about the girl who recently decided to eat vegan?

Of course you did.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

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Two recently married men go to a drink. One of them tells he has a problem, that his new wife is too dominant in bed.

The second man tells: You are very lucky, every man would want to be in your position.

First man: You do not understand I can barely sleep 2 hours each night.

Second man: I do not see any problem with that, you are a very fortunate man.

First man: No, you still do not understan...

I recently got thrown out of Home Depot for asking...

an attendant whether he had a big sized caulk.

My 70 year old father recently enrolled in college

His first year and he's already a senior.

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A girl recently graduated prostitution college with the highest honours.

She was awarded her degree cum louder.

A blonde was called into court recently

She was so dumb, she asked a Jehovah's Witness what they saw.

(If this is offensive to anyone, I'll delete it.)

I've recently taken up tap dancing.

Unfortunately I keep falling into the bath.

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer

It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed ...

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Me and my family recently went to a zoo

It had bad ratings on websites. When we went there it was completely empty except one small dog

It was a shit zoo

In an effort to bridge the cultural gap with my Hispanic friends, I’ve been saying “muchos” a lot more recently

It means a lot to them

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

I recently had a cancer scare. The doctor said I may have full blown colon cancer

But thankfully it was only semicolon cancer

I recently lost 70 lbs.

Don't worry though, I found it at McDonald's.

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine,

It was about a weak back.

A friend recently told me that he can't go to sleep without at least 4 or 5 whiskey drinks and that he's afraid he may have a drinking problem.

I told him he should try to get a handle on it.

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

Scientists recently discovered that there is no such thing as gravity

The Earth just sucks

I recently got fired at my job at the calendar factory

It's because I took a day off

I've recently started to learn about the history of chess boards

Seems they have quite the checkered past.

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.

The man who invented USB died recently.

At the funeral they lowered his coffin down, brought it back up, turned it over and lowered it again

Scientist recently linked a disease to women acting like a Karen.

It's mad cow disease.

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I recently was fired from my job at the manure processing plant

I got shit canned

A tennis factory was recently established near my house.

They’re making quite the racket

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently...

The RCMP found over 2000 dead crows on Alberta highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu. A pathologist examined the remains of all the dead crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT the Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from ...

[NSFW] A monastery recently installed some new statues

And they looked great.

The head monk of the monastery decided to take a bath. But once he had undressed and ran the water, he realized that he was out of soap.

Thinking that the extra toiletries were just on the opposite side of the hall, he decided to just pop out and go grab the soap...

Been having trouble with my eyes recently, so I went to the doctors yesterday. Unfortunately, he told me I lost 20% of my sight...

Sigh...

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I recently came out as pansexual...

But I'm only attracted to cast iron.

I tried dating teflon, but it just wouldn't stick.

I guess it's true what they say: "Once you go black, you never go back."

I recently bought a gun

It can only shoot NaCl bullets because it's a salt rifle.

I came into some money recently,

I really must buy some more toilet paper.

A short psychic recently escaped from prison.

There is now a small medium at large.

I saw a magic show recently with a Spanish magician...

His next trick was a disappearing act. He said “uno, dos” and disappeared without a tres.

A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man...

...and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says.

The Mexican responds, “How a...

What do you call recently married spiders?

Newly Webs

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Two cockraoches were eating at a dumpster when the 1st cockroach tells the 2nd cockroach about a house that he went to recently.

1st cockroach: It was really clean! The kitchen, bathroom and everywhere else. All countertops were wiped clean, no grime, no food stain or spills, just a very clean house.

2nd cockroach: Dude, please, I'm trying to eat here.

My wife and I have recently moved into my Mother-In-Laws while our house is being renovated...

Being intimate is pretty tricky!

I constantly have to remind her that my Wife is sitting downstairs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

They recently removed the urinal from our mens washroom at work...

I really miss that urinal. I mean I missed it once in awhile when it was there... But now I really miss it!

Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero

Don't worry, he's 0K

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Wife and me checked into a motel recently...

On the counter was a promotional card... said 24/7 adult entertainment channel available in every room.

So I asked the desk clerk... can you make certain that the porno channel for our our room is disabled...?

She said: no - it's just regular porn, you sick bastard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been watching 3-way porn recently...

The women never seem to show up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently gained the power to make others crap themselves.

Ever since then, everybody has been losing their shit.

I recently took up yoga, and the instructor asked me how flexible I am...

I said "I can only do Fridays"

I recently ran into my daughter while she was at her work

That's the last time I'm going to that strip club

The farmer down the road from me recently won an award

He was outstanding in his field

My Great Aunt recently passed away

Me and my mom were planning the funeral and we were decided what wood the casket should be made of... apparently mourning wood wasn’t the right answer

I recently joined a nudist colony..

The first week was the hardest

I’ve been getting into trading socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street.

One of NASA's first astronauts has recently died.

I know because I just read his orbit.

I signed up for German language lessons recently. They replied, and I am kind of worried now.

They said, “We have ways of making you talk.”

My grandmother died recently

She was found keeled over in her kitchen, her dentures stained with foods high in antioxidants.

The doctors said it was a heart attack but I know better...

I reckon it was an oxi-dental overdose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbours recently made a sex tape ....

Well obviously they don’t know that yet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently discovered my therapist uses electric stimulation to encourage group participation.

I was shocked to say the least.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I miss my wife, she always used to say that I take things literally. but she divorced me recently...

She was stuck at her parents' place due to the corona lockdown since March. When I called her that when would she be coming back, she said she will try to come as soon as the 3 months lockdown is lifted and she added she would like to see that dick in summer.

When she got back she found me ha...

My friend Jay had twin daughters recently, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kay and Elle.

My mexican friend, Jesus, recently got addicted to methamphetamine

We now call him the Methiah.

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