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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

I was recently invited to try skydiving without a parachute.

It sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

My friend Will served in the army, he passed away recently

I was told at his funeral the last words he heard was "Fire at will!"

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

My girlfriend recently left me and moved to a northern Canadian province.

She was having Nunavut.

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

I was recently complimented on my driving skills

Someone left a note on my car that said "Parking Fine"

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My pornstar friend recently passed away.

Per his request, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.

Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn’t let them
keep Boolean him.

There was a murder in town recently

But the detectives found the murder weapon in only 5 minutes...

...It was a brief-case

A group of mathematicians were recently caught for robbing,

According to the police reports, their days were numbered.

The man who wrote “the hokie pokie” died recently

They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.

It all started when they put his right leg in..

My wife died recently

She fell down a wishing well. I didn't know those things actually worked.

I ordered from this Chinese restaurant recently

(won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home heard the bags rustling and moving. I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

Because I was driving at the time, I pulled over, leaned forwar...

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.

Scientists recently discovered that there's no such thing as gravity...

This planet just sucks.

I, a French person, recently bought a female hamster from the Netherlands

Her name is 'Amster Dame.

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My grief counselor died recently...

Luckily he was so good I didn't give a shit.

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A Recently Divorced Man on an Adventure

A man and his wife got a divorce after 15 years of marriage. After a month of feeling down he decided he needed to get over it. One Friday night he and a mate go to a brothel to have some fun. He asks the madam for a girl who is adventurous and special as he has had blowjobs and missionary sex for h...

My grandad was recently taken ill

My grandad was recently taken ill, so we took him to hospital. He seemed ok for the first 3 days, but on day 3 they covered his entire back in lard. He began to go down hill really quickly after that.

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Crashed my car recently.

I was in my car and started to drift to the side. I overcorrected and rolled my vehicle. The only thing broken was the glass. In other words, crash due to driver error; need to repair Windows.

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I recently decided to try taking dewormer for COVID treatment

So far I’m not sure if it’s helping with the COVID but I have stopped dragging my ass on the carpet

I’ve been having a lot of difficulty sleeping recently, but I’ve started taking an absolute wonder drug…

It’s called MDMA, I still don’t sleep but now I feel great about it!

I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife.

I recently discovered Steam...

...where you have a library of your games you can just stop and start at ease from one intuitive screen.

It's a gamechanger.

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

I recently took up knitting...

...and I've gotten really good. I make awesome blankets with beautiful colored patterns. I made a bunch of them, but they're all at my ex-boyfriends house and he's really mad at me. I'm worried he might destroy them or throw them out just to get back at me.

I'm deeply concerned about the safe...

My friend Joe recently started the Dolly Parton Diet...

And to my surprise, it works! It ACTUALLY made Joe lean!

I recently flew to Africa to do some charity work.

It was an eye-opening, shocking experience.
The poverty, the starvation, the fighting.... the *smell*, the noise....

I am never flying economy again.

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

I recently bought a bidet

I recently bought a bidet and its been a-hole new experience!

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

At the reception following a wedding recently, someone yelled,

"All the married men please stand beside the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

What is the status of a hippo that is mourning because of his recently passed wife?

In the Nile

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".

What do you call a tree that recently lost a loved one?

Mourning wood

One of my friend recently started working as a postman

I asked him why are you working for such underpaying job?

He said, "it's not about money it's about sending message"

I lost my job as a personal trainer recently, I’m just not strong enough.

So I put in my too weak notice.

I recently got three robotic appendages

It’s such a relief not to have to go out on a limb to get the groceries.

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie

The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy

what do you call a large group of men who recently found out they've been cheated on?

A Fluster Cuck

Recently the police were called to the residence of an elderly couple. The Chief radios the station that the wife has shot the husband.

The Sgt. at the station stammers "What? Why?" The Chief calls back "Well, apparently she warned him about walking on her freshly mopped floors one more time..." Sarge is in utter disbelief "Did you go and arrest her??" Chief said not yet. Sarge asked what the hell he's waiting for. Chief radios back...

What do you call a metronome that recently broke?

Tempo-rary.

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A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he a...

I recently discovered that 1 in 8 Americans is an alcoholic

I also discovered that 1 in 8 Americans actually suffers from the effects of alcoholism; the rest seem to have a pretty good time

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

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A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

I recently signed an apartment lease...

Below where I signed on the lease agreement I had my dad cosign

Now we're tan.

I went to the doctors recently

He said, “Don’t eat anything fatty”

I respond, “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

I cut my hair recently.

It's kinda growing on me.

The Pope recently had Colon Surgery. Imagine having to operate on such an important person...

The surgeon probably poped himself

Recently my dad's been suffering from seizures.

First it was the car, then the house, then the boat.

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

I was recently targeted by an organ donation scam

They tried to convince me that, for a small monthly fee, I could have priority access to organ donation from the recently deceased.

It was a dead giveaway.

I’ve been getting into typography recently…

It’s a real character-building exercise.

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My wife went into a coma recently and the doctor said it doesn't look like we have many options.

After a month in a coma, my wife's doctor comes to me and says that there's a way to awake her from this coma but it's rather unconventional.

I asked the Dr what needed to happen and he tells me that the only way to wake her is by oral sex.

After about 5 minutes I come out of room conf...

My kid recently realized that they were born in the wrong body.

Now, I fully support anything they need to do to feel more like themselves, but I never imagined it would affect my social life like it has. The teachers won’t see me, my friends act like I’m not there. Hell even the mailman hasn’t made a delivery in weeks. I never realized how hard it was to be a t...

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

I bought some french hens recently, but it’s very frustrating that so far they’ve only laid a single egg

Un oeuf is enough.

I recently found out that the Origami school in our community is about to close for good...

I'll update more on this as it unfolds.

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

I recently took a pole

I found that 100% of people were angry when the tent collapsed

I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles.

The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air.

I never learn the true meaning of NTR until recently.

'Nothing to report.' Said the girl.

I recently became friends with a nymphomaniac

It was a bit weird at first, but lately she started rubbing off on me.

I recently told my Dad I was going back to school to major in the study of plants...

...He said, "Botony?"

I said, "Not yet, but when I get my degree I will be able to afford a bunch."

My friend became a vegan recently.

She’s changed a lot and it’s like I’ve never met herbivore.

I recently read an article about the history of spices used in curry...

It was a cumin interest story.

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

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I’ve been going to gloryholes recently

It’s great. The only downside is whenever someone knocks on my front door I cum in my pants.

I’ve been getting some odd pop up ads recently:

“Hot older men in your area want to know if you’ve been messing with the thermostat”

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

Someone recently told me a joke involving a Boomerang!

Can’t for the life of me remember it! Ah well…. Suppose it will come back to me soon!

Have you heard about the man who recently died working at the glasses factory?

Apparently he fell right into the glass grinder, making a spectacle of himself.

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

The catholic church has recently been critisized for it's treatment of women

They said it was a nun issue.

Recently got run over by a guy in a Tesla, thought he got away but:

He’s currently being charged with battery now

I recently wrote a sitcom about airplanes.

It never took off.
The pilot was terrible.

So I invested in Teflon recently,

It didn't stick.

Scientists have recently discovered that 3 out of 5 habitual marijuana users developed over productive saliva glands.

When asked if anything can be done, one leading scientist advised, "Yes, you can either spit, or get off the pot".

I've gotten a new haircut recently

At first I felt like it was too short, but I gotta say that it's starting to grow on me.

Along with "Antimatter" and "Dark Matter" we've recently discovered the existence of...

"Doesn't Matter" witch appears to have no affect on the universe at all.

I was at the zoo recently...

...and one of the tropical birds just kept screaming at me, so I screamed back. Toucan play at that game!

I recently got fired as an architect

An earthquake came and the building collapsed because it wasn’t stabilized and I said it wasn’t my fault

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

Tom Hanks was recently quoted talking about how much he disliked one of Stephen King's novels.

T. Hanks: I hate It.

My company recently had to let go of an overweight employee

he didn't work out

I have recently discovered that I have a foot fetish, but I'm not sure where to start.

I just want to get off on the right foot.

Someone close to me died recently...

Shouldn't have snuck up on me like that.

Bill Gates recently split up with Melinda Gates, who will take half of his belongings, including Microsoft office.

But she will only get Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint, because he always keeps his Word.



shoutout u/Duttywood

An owl has taken control of my elderly mothers estate recently

I guess that’s the power of a tawny

Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees....

My sub friend married a limbo instructor recently.

I swear to god, this guy will bend over backwards to please this lady!

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

I got a job at a chess piece factory recently...

...I'm on the knight shift next week.

An inquisitive cowboy ambled into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe without realizing it had recently come out of the forge.

Dropping it, he shoved his burned hand into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant.

“Kinda hot, ain’t it?” asked the blacksmith.

“Nope,” said the cowboy. “It just don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”

I recently read that it's beneficial to your mental well being to share your bed with your pets...

... but in hindsight, I probably should have left them in the aquarium.

I recently started a boat shop in my attic

The sails have been going though the roof.

My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love

Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.

My uncle recently and suddenly decided to leave his lucrative position at a local bank...

Because he lost interest

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

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I was using the local glory hole recently...

...and it felt different than normal. A few minutes later I see a guy walk out of the other stall holding cat fish. Suddenly the realization washed over me.

I cant believe I sucked a fish’s dick.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned

who is willing to sell her husbands tools for cheap.

What do you call a recently hired conductor who’s still learning the job skills?

A trainee

An Indian architect gets called into his boss's office because a comedy club he recently designed is labeled only in Hindi.

Flustered, he says, "Sorry for the construction of The Joke, English is not my first language."

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

I recently adopted an African child. He, was just 7 pounds!

Plus shipping, of course.

My girlfriends dog died recently

So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.

She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

I recently met a girl from Jerusalem

She Israeli cute!

I recently got a divorce

It was wife changing

I recently bought a horse and I decided to name him Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I recently came up with a pirate-themed tabletop RPG, but then the makers of Dungeons and Dragons found out.

They sent me a seas-and-d6 letter.

Recently I've noticed how hard jokes are to come by

So I've started using the macy's lingerie catalog instead

A cow was recently given the badge of bravery.

Her actions proved she was no cow-ard.

I started a soil business recently.

I wonder why no one's buying anything. Everything's dirt-cheap.

I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently.

I thought I was the only two.

I bought Bonnie Tyler's car recently on ebay, but it's rubbish...

Every now and then it falls apart

I just recently finished building a model of Mt. Everest and a friend asked, "Is it to scale?"

"No," I said.
"It's to look at."

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner

as all it was doing was gathering dust.

What do you tell a group of people who recently seceded from their country due to disagreements over the right to pee?

You're a nation

I was recently informed that I am a terrible host.

I appreciated their honesty because otherwise I never would have guest.

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I was driving with my wife recently and we were talking about what we wanted to happen to our bodies when we died. I want to be cremated and put in a pot of chili. She asked why.

So I can tear that ass up one last time.

An elderly woman goes to see her doctor complaining that she has been farting a lot recently.

“Fortunately though doctor,” she continues, “They don’t make any sound or smell at all. In fact I’ve passed wind several times since I’ve been sat here!”.

The doctor looks puzzled for a minute then writes a prescription out for the woman, asking her to come back in two weeks.

Two weeks...

I recently split up with my tennis playing girlfriend

Love means nothing to her

I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was.

I told them it was the one from Sesame Street.

"Pfft, he doesn't count," they said to me.

I replied "Well that's where you're wrong kiddo"

My friend recently had surgery, and tells me he feels like a million bucks

Sadly, he lives in Zimbabwe

Jack and John decided to go skiing.

They loaded up their mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door,if they could spend the night.

"I realize its terrible weather out there and I have thi...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

In other news, the United States has recently accepted a 51st state.

All the states unite around adding the State of Emergency to the country.

I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.

Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.

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