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My L‌‌esbian n‌‌eighbours E‌‌va a‌‌nd J‌‌ulia a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌recently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌eren't m‌‌an h‌‌aters!

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

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Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

I recently had hip replacement surgery. It didn’t work.

I’m still not cool.

Just recently, a multi-year project to renovate and restore London's historic landmark Big Ben was completed.

They had men working around the clock.

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The young couple next to me have recently made a sextape

I mean, obviously they don't know that yet.

My wife recently left me because of my pasta-touching fetish

I have been feeling cannelloni

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. I suddenly remembered that I was liste...

A French woman and a Spanish man had recently gotten married and moved to Spain.

The woman could not speak Spanish so whenever she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would raise her skirt a little and show her thighs which the seller understood.
One day, she wanted to buy bananas so she brought her husband with him.





As her husband could speak Spanish.

My buddy recently said he has "big duck energy"

I told him he needed to lay off the quack...

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

A man recently bought himself a new Lada, but a couple of days later he's back at the dealership complaining about the performance.

The salesman who sold him the car asks him about the specifics.



"Come outside," said the man, "and I'll show you what I mean." So they go outside, and the man points to a hill just further down the road. "You see that hill there? Every time I go up there, I can't get past 40."

...

Recently I've started teaching a poetry class in a maximum security prison.

It's a tough job but I enjoy it. It really has it's prose and cons.

My American girlfriend recently had a knee transplant here in London

which is ironic as her name is Britney

I recently got fired from my job in the penny arcade

I couldn’t cope with change

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I've been telling girls that recently I came into a lot of money

Jerking off onto an ATM doesn't have the same ring to it

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

A newspaper recently hired a new Italian capital correspondent

They were the Times' new Roman.

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...

I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

I recently discovered there's a big difference between a numerator and a denominator.

I also discovered, only a fraction of people will understand this.

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I recently came into some money…

I had sex with my wallet!

I recently heard that Turkeys aren't allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they'll always hit Fowl balls.

So I recently was walking with my young daughter through town…

Where I bumped into an old mate, Steve.

“You alright Steve, this is my daughter, Beth,” I said.

“Alright mate, what’s Beth short for?”

“Well, she is only 3,” I replied.

An elderly widower remarries after many years with his recently departed wife

On their wedding night, the old man and his much younger bride decide to consummate the new marrige.

Knowing that it might be an emotional time for her husband, she begins undressing him slowly.

As they're about to climb into bed to get down to business, she looks up at his face, and...

They recently found a mummy in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts.

They think it was pharaoh rocher.

I stayed in a hotel recently where the towels were so thick...

I could hardly close my suitcase.

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

I’ve recently started to feel aroused after looking at myself in the mirror.

I feel guilty about it sometimes but my friends say not be so hard on myself.

I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

I recently returned from Dubai, where I was given forty camels for my wife.

I generally smoke Marlboro, but hey... that seems like a bargain to me.

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My aunt recently decided to turn her home into a bed-and-breakfast.

I guess she woke up one day and said, "Not enough strangers are fucking here."

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Grandpa overdosed on viagra recently.

Grandma found it hard to swallow.

FedEx and UPS recently merged

Now they’re FedUp

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I was at a party recently when I happened to notice my wristwatch was missing.

I looked for the watch for a bit asking people if they'd seen it, but didn't have any luck. It wasn't an expensive watch so I wasn't too worried about it and eventually gave up.

Then, later in the evening, I saw a couple that I didn't recognize from across the room who appeared to be having ...

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

I recently had a procedure done on my elbow to correct a compressed ulnar nerve that required a 3-inch incision and some sutures…

Guess you can say I had surgery on my funny bone that left me in stitches.

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

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I recently got headphones to help me drown out the voices of other people.

It helps me concentrate when I'm trying to masturbate.

I mean, it's just so noisy on the bus.

People yell at me all the time, with stuff like "You have to be more responsible, you're the bus driver!"

Like c'mon Karen, really? You just sit at home all day, while I get your kids o...

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

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my friend recently got a penis extension.

Now his house looks ridiculous.

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

(Stolen from my band teacher) I broke up with my console recently,

It’s now my ex-box. It wasn’t anything personal I just wanted a switch.

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

I searched r/jokes for the Oreo speedwagon joke I heard recently, but couldn’t remember where it came from, I couldn’t find it. Then I remembered…

I heard it from a friend who, works at nabisco who… heard it from a friend who works at a grocery store who… heard it from another.

1000 men were recently surveyed about women..

10% of men liked women with thin legs.

19% liked muscular legs.

The rest liked something in between.

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I was having breakfast with my mother recently when I made a Freudian slip...

What I meant to say was, 'can you pass the butter please?' but what I actually said was 'YOU FUCKING BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE'.

An older man never had a smart phone, until recently....

He was chatting casually with my brother-in-law (they are neighbors) to say he was done with smart phones.

The older man was **irate** as AT&T was charging him extra fees because he was old!

My brother-in-law was astounded. He asked the older man what on earth he means by that. I...

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

I haven't heard anything from Lara Croft recently.

She's really gone off the raider.

A recently divorced woman comes across a genie in a lamp

A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach, when she notices a lamp in the sand. She picks it up and rubs it, and out pops a genie. "I am the genie of this lamp," he said, "and I will grant you three wishes, but under one condition: whatever you receive, the person you hate the most will ...

I just recently had to switch my gambling habit to off-track betting

I kept getting trampled by the horses

I recently read a book called 100 Things to Do Before You Die.

I was really surprised that yelling for help was not one of them.

I ordered a Thesaurus recently, when it arrived all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe my anger

In search of: Married woman, recently cheated on, mad, scorned -

Willing to sell her husband's fishing gear

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

I joined a fisting club recently.

It’s not something I’m particularly into, I’m just trying to widen the circle of my friends.

The hotel I stayed in recently tried to charge me $10 for using the A/C.

That wasn’t cool.

Recently, i decided to quit my job at the construction place because i couldn't deal with the heavy lifting.

I gave them my too weak notice yesterday.

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Bee on the Alert!!! 60,000 Giant bees were recently stolen from a farm in Pennslyvania.

Police have a huge sting operation on their hands.

My grievance counsellor died recently

He was so good I didn’t feel a thing!

My girlfriend who is studying for her scientific doctorate started criticising me the other day, complaining about small things I forgot to do recently and pointing out my minute personal faults...

So I said to her "Are you going for your degree in microbiology?"

She replied "No, no, I am working on particle physics, why?"

So I said "Okay, good, then stop putting everything I do under a microscope!"

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

My friend William recently broke his legs and is now in a wheelchair

We call him Wheeliam now

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My wife recently asked me "what's it like to have a penis?"

"It's hard sometimes.."

You can buy, sell, or swap just about anything on the Gumtree website. I recently got a motorbike for my wife

Good trade, would recommend, 10/10

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I recently quit masturbating because I found that it was an obsession in my life.

Currently, I haven't masturbated for thirty days sixteen minutes and forty seconds.

I was out camping recently when I found out that I had run out of toilet roll…

So I took a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

I recently bought a female Horse that I was hoping to ride daily, but she only sleeps during the day.

She's turning out to be such a Nightmare.

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

My friend was recently blinded and asked "Do you think I'll ever see again?"

I told him we'll play it by ear

The creator of the autocorrector died recently

Risk in piece

I recently came into some money.

Moral of the story: keep your money sock away from the rest

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got super angry and said she will never play Scrabble with me again.

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My friend told me he recently tried anal fisting.

He said it was a real punch in the gut.

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

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My family were judging me for watching porn recently.

Had I known it was a competition, I'd have put more effort in.

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time.

I had a Bison steak at a restaurant recently.

When I finished, I asked the waiter for the buffalo bill.

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists

I'm pleased to say it's really been flying off the shelves.

I was recently made redundant from my job at the Greengrocers



They gave me a months Celery, and four leeks in lieu of notice

A friend of mine who works as a road repairer was recently accused of theft.

None of us believed it was true, but when I went to see him at his house, all the signs were there!

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet and now...

Joe lean... Joe lean... Joe lean.. Joe Leeeeaaaaannn!

I recently took a trip to learn more about Greek culture and to gain a greater appreciation of their amazing works of art and architecture.

The British museum is a really cool place.

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I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

I was recently attacked by a group of clowns.

The only way I could defend myself was to go for the juggler.

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

I quit my job at the Helium factory recently

For I won’t tolerate being talked to in that tone of voice.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

The Australian Armed Forces recently declassified documents detailing their rationale for choosing the Steyr AUG as the Army’s assault rifle.

“Buy local.”

Recently a man murdered his wife of 40 years by poisoning a glass of orange juice.

I guess its, not the first time OJ has killed a woman.

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A recently-married old couple is about to have sex for the first time

They do the deed and collapse back into bed.


The man thinks to himself "If I had known she was a virgin, I would've been less rough on her."


The women thinks "If I had known the old guy could actually get it up, I would've taken my pantyhose off."

Fred Durst recently converted to Judaism

He is now the frontman for Limp Brizkit

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I recently moved into an apartment building from a house.

The neighbors came knocking at the door at 2am, are all high density living situations full of assholes.

Anyway, it totally interupted my drum lesson.

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was "Exposure to the Elements".

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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Namaste

So my wife recently took up Yoga. I came home one evening to find her on her mat doing ~~Shavanna~~ ~~Shashimi~~ ~~Shavashashanana~~ the pose where you lie on your back with your eyes closed meditating or more likely snoring gently. I pulled down my shorts, knelt over her head and rested my testicle...

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NASA recently decided to launch Uranus into a black hole

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to be rubbing Uranus and Heranus together.

Did you hear about two spiders who recently got married?

They met on the web.

I heard Batman recently became an atheist.

Christian Bail.

My wife just recently completed a 40-week body building course...

It’s a boy and he weighs 11lbs 4oz

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

My uncle recently overdosed on protein powder

What a whey to go

I recently lost my job as a watchmaker

I got told it was because I stood around and made faces all day.

The man who wrote “the hokie pokie” died recently

They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.

It all started when they put his right leg in..

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law said.

“I am wearing my love dress.”

“Love dress? But you’re naked!” said the mother-in-law.

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained.

The mothe...

I only learned recently that children are born with four kidneys, and later on when they grow up..



..two of them turn into adult knees.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

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My mother-in-law recently bought a talking parrot, but after a week she said she was taking it back.

"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.

"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

I recently had surgery on both of my hands and my doctor was concerned that I would need help going to the bathroom.

Fortunately, I can hold my own.

I recently saw a transvestite in a mini skirt in public and thought to myself...

that shows a lot of balls!

I recently took up meditation...

Well it beats just sitting around doing nothing

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