I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

I don't know why people say Donald Trump doesn't read books...

He always gets to chapter 11.

A pastor is finishing up his sermon on sunday morning...

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.

"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The ...

I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal"

It had four Chapter 11's.

My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

I asked a fraternity member for an pamphlet about his chapter.

He said, "Bro, sure."

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

Took a class at Trump University but ...

... the textbook had four Chapter 11s.

What's a Brazillian's least favorite math chapter to do?

7-1

Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene?

Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D

I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.

If Toys R Us had a book,

Chapter 11 would be named "bankruptcy"

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

Michael Cohen's new book ends the same way as Trump's stories.

At chapter 11.

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Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"

Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.

In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."

G...

Why is Donald Trump’s biography so long?

It has four Chapter 11s.

What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

chapter 7 verse 7

GUYs i saw a catholic sister last
night and decided
to
give her a lift in my car. As the car
was
moving, then i placed my hand on
the
sister's laps pretending i was
looking for
the gear lever.
The sister cast a glance at me and
said;
Mtcheew
"matthew
chapter...

"Your case is quite complicated."

Patient: Why doctor? What happened?

Doc: You have a disease from the chapter I skipped during my studies.

This was deemed "pretty bad" by my friends...

I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me.

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigor...

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, “Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

Just heard the TV weatherman say, “high in the thirties”.

Now I know the title to one of the chapters of my autobiography.

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Two psychology professors have lunch together...

One said: "Oh boy, something really embarassing happened to me today - I had a Freudian slip today in lecture. I wanted to tell my students 'read chapter 14 on Ivan Pavlov'. Instead I accidentally said 'read chapter 14 on Ivan Fuckloaf'"

"Oh well", said the other, "that's nothing. I was havin...

Isn’t it funny how many building engineers won’t include a thirteenth floor

Yet book publishers don’t seem afraid to have a chapter eleven...

I bought a mayfly's autobiography.

Chapter 1: The end.

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, a...

I recently read a book by Donald Trump on finance

It had 9 chapter 11s.

Donald has written a lot of books about business, but there's an interesting characteristic they all share...

They all seem to end at Chapter 11.

Credit (to my dismay): HRC

The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transpo...

A preacher at a church in Chicago...

...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you rea...

Summer Essay

Rough translation from Russian, so bear with me.

First day of class and all the students are assigned to write an essay about what they did during summer.

Johnny looks at his friend Bobby and says, "What are we going to write about? We did nothing but smoke plant all summer and we cer...

I heard Donald Trump has read a lot of different books..

..Apparently for the most part he never made it past Chapter 11.

Three blondes die and go to Heaven.

Stop laughing, that's not the whole joke.

They're standing outside the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes out and says, "Welcome to Heaven. We've been having some problems with break-ins lately, so I just need you to answer one simple question, and you can get in to Heaven. What is Easter?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why I changed my name

Well, for my story to make any sense, I need to clarify that I'm somewhat of a celebrity in my country. I think even internationally people have heard about me, though I'm not too sure about it (fortunately the people who know about me also tend to be technologically a bit behind the curve, so you d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Erotic literature for premature ejaculators

-------------------
Chapter 1.
-------------------

She looked at him.

-------------------
The end.
-------------------

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pastor tells his congregation how "The Bible touches on all subjects. Even PMS," he says...

"See, right here in Luke, chapter 2 it says 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

I bought one of Donald Trump's books on how to run a business

...but for some reason, it just ends at Chapter 11.

I kept reading a book about Gawker...

But every page kept going back to Chapter 11

Two biologists are discussing a new book on amphibians...

Biologist 1: What did you think of the chapter on frogs?

Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.

Twitter management's favorite part of a book is always

Chapter 11

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What is the best thing that happened to you?

As a kid I always dreamt of travelling the world, learn about other cultures and write my own book. When my father passed away he left me enough money to do so. I decided it was time to fulfill my dream.

One place my journey took me to was an island with an ancient tribe living on it that was...

Liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just a joke my grandpa told me.

So Jimmy is in class and he walks up to the pencil sharpener and looks out the window. He sees two bowlegged gentlemen and yells, "Hey check out these two funny-looking assholes!" The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him to read two chapters of Shakespeare. The next day Jimmy sees the sam...

Studying for MCAT when I heard this Joke!

I was studying for the MCAT while listening to an audiobook for a chapter on the endocrine system. Anyways, at the end of the audiobook the guy signs of saying: "Hey John, how do you make a hormone anyway?"... "That's easy Jordan, you just don't pay her." Loled so hard!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The girl in science class

So this girl is sitting in her science class and the current chapter is reporduction. The teacher begins talking about semen and how it is loaded with sugar so the sperm have energy to swim to the egg.

So the girl says, "If it has sugar, why isn't it sweet?"

And the teacher says, "Beca...