A priest was preaching one Sunday.

"The sermon that I'm going to preach today is about honesty"

Everyone nodded.

"Before I begin, I would like all those who have read Matthew chapter 29 verse 15 to raise their hands"

More than half the people raised their hand.

"That is very unfortunate to see as there is ...

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

A rabbit says to a fox, "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes"

"Come on, you know that's impossible! No one will publish such rubbish." says the fox

"Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while, the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.

Then comes a wolf. "Hello, what are we doin...

Why was "Art of the Deal" so long?

It had six Chapter 11s.

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

You know that I can tell Donald Trump has never finished a novel...

He can't get past chapter 11

A minister told his congregation:

"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Nearly every hand went up. <...

I realized that I get aroused when I read the last chapter of a novel.

I just came to the conclusion.

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The Jews are camped in front of the Red Sea. They see the Egyptian chariots approaching. Moses turns to his PR man.

Moses - "Nu, where are those boats you got us?"

PR Guy - "Boats? You didn't say nothing 'bout no boats."

Moses - "So what do you want I should do? Part the waters and we can all just walk across?"

PR Guy - "If you can swing that, I'll get you your own chapter in the Bible!"

Did you hear about the Canadian chapter of the KKK?

They call themselves the Eh Eh Eh.

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The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company. Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation sy...

Three sons left home, went out into the business world and all prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how much Mom enjoys reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the enti...

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer

to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day.

Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult
for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, I will create a compa...

A minister had fallen on tough financial times...

So tough, that he was unsure of how he would pay next months bills, or continue to provide food for his family.

One day, in a moment of doubt, he prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am worried and uncertain, but know that you always provide for your children. Please, give me some words from your book...

I'm from far in the future, the year 2104.

I came to ask you all a question; Why does my history textbook have a separate chapter for every month of 2020?

My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

I asked a fraternity member for an pamphlet about his chapter.

He said, "Bro, sure."

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

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A panda walks into a bar, orders a burger, downs it in a few bites, pulls out a gun and shoots two bullets into the roof.

On his way to the door the waiter exclaims “why the f*ck did you do that?!”

To which the tired looking panda rolls his eyes and tosses a torn up wildlife manual across the counter, “i’m a panda, look it up...” before casually walking out the exit

After finding the relevant chapter the ...

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First Time Teacher

Day 1 of home schooling


0800  opened school website to get assignments.


0900  found where assignments were hidden on the website.


0915  called school to have the website explained.


0930  called school again.


0945  Had wife call school ...

Why is the last chapter in a chemistry textbook about benzene?

Because it's the PHENYL CHAPTER :D

I came up with this myself. I'm so proud.

What's a Brazillian's least favorite math chapter to do?

7-1

The bride's mother makes a toast at a wedding

The bride's mother, nearly tearing up, stands up and makes a toast to a new chapter in her daughter's life. She says, "I see you grow faster everyday, but all I can see is that little kid inside you."
The bride then freaks out and screams "Mom, I can explain everything! How did you even find that...

The Teachers New Name

Ms.Johnson has been teaching high school for years. She always showed up early and always left late. Before the start of the next semester, all the new students in Ms.Johnsons class found out that she will now be known as Ms.Simmons.

On the first day of class all the students started to congr...

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read that in chapter 3, page 37 in a medical journal on Tuesday, November 2006 at 4:19PM.

Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"

Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.

In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."

G...

Your typical rock band

In my history of Rock and Roll class, chapter 13 focused on the early rock artists post punk era. At the very beginning of the chapter the band King Crimson is briefly mentioned, they seemed to have qualities that later artist would adopt and were quite popular, with songs such as 21 century schizoi...

What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

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One Sunday after church,

Father Tom was approached by Dave, who had been a regular churchgoer for years, but had recently been missing service. Father Tom asked him if everything was okay, as he had missed several services over the last few months. Dave told Father Tom "I've been working non-stop trying to save my business....

chapter 7 verse 7

GUYs i saw a catholic sister last
night and decided
to
give her a lift in my car. As the car
was
moving, then i placed my hand on
the
sister's laps pretending i was
looking for
the gear lever.
The sister cast a glance at me and
said;
Mtcheew
"matthew
chapter...

I recently read Donald Trump’s book...

Unfortunately, I didn’t get past Chapter 11.

Why is Donald Trump’s biography so long?

It has four Chapter 11s.

Just finished the art of the deal by Donald trump. Great book. You can find the secret to his tremendous success in....

Chapter 11

Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

The first few chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it.

If Toys R Us had a book,

Chapter 11 would be named "bankruptcy"

I tried reading Trump's autobiography but

it kept on going back to Chapter 11.

"Your case is quite complicated."

Patient: Why doctor? What happened?

Doc: You have a disease from the chapter I skipped during my studies.

Took a class at Trump University but ...

... the textbook had four Chapter 11s.

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and sai...

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

Michael Cohen's new book ends the same way as Trump's stories.

At chapter 11.

This was deemed "pretty bad" by my friends...

I'm not really good at writing stories so bear with me.

Simon, a high school student, passed his sophomore year with a 100% in Algebra 2. Thinking he was the most outstanding student ever, he went to his counselor to ask if he can skip directly to Calculus AB.

"Calculus is a very rigor...

Isn’t it funny how many building engineers won’t include a thirteenth floor

Yet book publishers don’t seem afraid to have a chapter eleven...

One Sunday morning in church...

... as Pastor Smith is about to deliver his sermon he asks the congregation how many of them managed to read Mark Chapter 17 as he'd asked them to the previous Sunday.

Almost all hands in the church went up.

"Very well," Pastor Smith continued. "By the way, Mark only has 16 chapters, a...

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The Medicrin Story - taken from a Boy Scouting website

Long ago, before Gamecubes, before Playstations, even before Atari, there were nasty, vile monsters roaming the land. In those days, a few brave, strong men made their living by protecting common people from these beasts. This is a story about one such man named Erik and the adventure he had. 
...

Donald has written a lot of books about business, but there's an interesting characteristic they all share...

They all seem to end at Chapter 11.

Credit (to my dismay): HRC

Just heard the TV weatherman say, “high in the thirties”.

Now I know the title to one of the chapters of my autobiography.

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Why I changed my name

Well, for my story to make any sense, I need to clarify that I'm somewhat of a celebrity in my country. I think even internationally people have heard about me, though I'm not too sure about it (fortunately the people who know about me also tend to be technologically a bit behind the curve, so you d...

Three blondes die and go to Heaven.

Stop laughing, that's not the whole joke.

They're standing outside the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes out and says, "Welcome to Heaven. We've been having some problems with break-ins lately, so I just need you to answer one simple question, and you can get in to Heaven. What is Easter?"...

I bought a mayfly's autobiography.

Chapter 1: The end.

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Erotic literature for premature ejaculators

-------------------
Chapter 1.
-------------------

She looked at him.

-------------------
The end.
-------------------

I downloaded a book on Ethics from the PirateBay

I hadn't gotten to that chapter yet

Two biologists are discussing a new book on amphibians...

Biologist 1: What did you think of the chapter on frogs?

Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.

Summer Essay

Rough translation from Russian, so bear with me.

First day of class and all the students are assigned to write an essay about what they did during summer.

Johnny looks at his friend Bobby and says, "What are we going to write about? We did nothing but smoke plant all summer and we cer...

Liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I’m going to preach on the subject of Liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.”

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I ...

I bought one of Donald Trump's books on how to run a business

...but for some reason, it just ends at Chapter 11.

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Good Girls, Bad Girl’s And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot

Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Naughty girls unbutton your pants


Good girls wax their floors

Bad girls wax their bikini line

Naughty girls wax your nutsack


Good girls blush during sex sce...

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Just a joke my grandpa told me.

So Jimmy is in class and he walks up to the pencil sharpener and looks out the window. He sees two bowlegged gentlemen and yells, "Hey check out these two funny-looking assholes!" The teacher immediately scolds him and tells him to read two chapters of Shakespeare. The next day Jimmy sees the sam...

Studying for MCAT when I heard this Joke!

I was studying for the MCAT while listening to an audiobook for a chapter on the endocrine system. Anyways, at the end of the audiobook the guy signs of saying: "Hey John, how do you make a hormone anyway?"... "That's easy Jordan, you just don't pay her." Loled so hard!

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